Detective Comics #10

Batman versus Gotham Cemetery?

Once upon a time, an armored car was transporting valuables. Lots of people made jokes when they saw it drive by: "Hey, look! We could be rich if we were to rob that!" "Oh, Jack, you're so bad!" But this was Gotham City, so many of these jokes were not jokes at all. Nobody was laughing at these jokes, especially not Batman. "That is not a funny joke at all!" said Batman when Robin told it to him. "Oh, you have no sense of humor, Dad," said Robin. But that was just a fantasy I made up. Batman and Robin weren't around which is probably why one group of people in a van decided to make the joke a reality.

"Oh no! We have been hit by a rocket propelled grenade! I hope we do not spill all of our money!" cried the driver of the security car.

The two security men were stunned from the explosion and the subsequent car crash. They were not badly injured. One of them said, "Look! Look! It is the Batman!" And then the other one said, "That is not Batman at all! Not at all!"

"And that one is not Batman either. Nor is that one! Nor is that one!" screamed Stan the Security Man.

Those were the last words that Stan and Mike the Security Men would say because the Batmen who were not Batman shot them down dead in the streets. And then the Batmen said, "Look at us! We are stealing the money that most people only joke about stealing! We will be wealthy just like the billionaire Bruce Wayne!" They did not know that Bruce Wayne was also Batman. That was just a coincidence that they said that.

Across town, there was a hospital named Gotham Memorial Hospital. That is a funny name for a hospital! Gotham is not gone! It does not need a memorial! Gotham is all around the hospital. See? See Gotham? Gotham is not dead yet.

Inside the hospital, people are treated for their gun wounds. Many people get gun wounds in Gotham. A gun wound is not a wound you get from being hit by a gun. It is a hole you get in your body from the bullets that come out of the gun. Many bullets come out of many guns in Gotham. Bang! Bang! Bang! That is all you hear all night in Gotham. Bang! Bang! Bang! And sometimes you also hear "Ha ha ha!" or "Wah wah wah!"

Inside the hospital, Bruce Wayne flirts with Charlotte. Charlotte is a reporter. If she knew Bruce Wayne were Batman, she would print the story a lot of times. She would become very famous. But Bruce Wayne would never let her see his penis ever again. So maybe she could keep the secret. She would keep the secret if it meant she could keep the penis.

Bruce Wayne has seen many vaginas. Bruce Wayne has also watched The Bride of Frankenstein. Bruce Wayne is very curious now to see Charlotte's vagina.

Charlotte is sad because her sister Jill was put in jail by The Batman and possibly killed by her fake lawyer Snakeskin. Charlotte needs to get away so she is moving to Paris, France. She will get a small cot in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower because France is very tiny in the DCnU. She will live on a street called a Rue and she will eat buttered bread and she will say, "Oooh la la, ze painting is magnifique!" Bruce Wayne is sad that she will be leaving because he has not lost the new thrill of dating her. But Bruce just wishes she would hurry up and break up already because something is going "Boom boom boom" outside the hospital window and Batman needs to investigate it.
Meanwhile, The Fake Batmen escape into the Gotham Sewers with their loot. Detective Bullock says, "Geesh, lookee here at dish fake Batmansh. Whaddya t'ink da real Batmansh would shay about dish here fake Batmansh?" Commissioner Gordon says, "Tally ho, Bullock, I bet he'd be right mad about these Batmen taking a piss with him. Cor blimey, block off the sewer mains! Pip pip!"

Fake Batman with the soul patch says, "I am Number Two and I am in a sewer! Did you hear my good joke, Number Three? Did you? Number Three?"

Batman says, "Number Three is tied up right now and cannot hear your joke." Fake Batman with the soul patch says, "Oh! Oh! That is a good joke, The Real Batman! Indeed!"

Fake Batman with the Soul Patch has his head stepped on by Batman. He will not be telling any more jokes any time soon. Batman then punches Fake Batman #4 in the face. Fake Batman #4 does not like to be punched in the face. He does not have a sense of humour like Gordon or a sense of humor like Bullock either.

The Real Batman kicks Fake Batman #1 in the face and then does a back flip to dodge the bullets fired out of Fake Batman #1's very real gun. That is when Fake Batman #4 grabs Batman from behind and says, "Surprise! I know a joke too! Knock knock!" "Oh! Oh! Who is there?" asks the Real Batman because he enjoys a good knock knock joke. "Fake Batman killed," replied Fake Batman #4. "Fake Batman killed who?" asked The Real Batman very excited for the punchline!

"Fake Batman killed WHOM!" corrected Fake Batman #4, forgetting the punchline because he couldn't stand bad grammar.

Batman was confused by the joke. He did not realize that the punch line was supposed to kill Batman too! Batman knew Robin was good with knock knock jokes so he would ask him later when the day was done. Batman could not be distracted though. He needed to catch the last Fake Batman! So he threw his Batgrapple around Fake Batman #1's legs and tripped him up. Then he wrestled with him in the sewer.

Fake Batman #1 also knows the punch line to Fake Batman #4's joke! He blows up too but it does not kill the Real Batman. The Real Batman wears real armor because people try to blow him up all of the time. Batman crawls out of the sewers without retrieving the loot stolen by the Fake Batmen. That is because there was a bigger joke that Batman wasn't told! The bigger joke was the person behind the heist and all of the suicidal Batmen!

Ha ha! It was Gas Man all along! Ha ha! Get it? In the sewers? Gas Man?

Gas Man was behind the heist from the very beginning. His gas must be very powerful to get his henchmen to give up their lives in the robbery. Dying is not a funny joke at all. Most criminals do not get into the job of criminalizing to die. They do it so that they can make easy money. Dying is not easy. It is hard. They would rather serve burgers for minimum wage than die. But I guess Gas Man's gas makes them do hard things that are not funny.

Batman goes back to the Batcave to do detective work. He is so very smart; he will solve the problem. Alfred serves him tea while he thinks. Alfred says, "Do you want some tea?" Batman says, "I will have the tea." Alfred says, "Have you discovered anything?" That is Alfred's favorite line to ask Batman. Alfred knows Batman loves to answer that question. Batman likes to show off how smart he is and to show what an amazing detective he can be. Batman says, "The thing that was stolen was from Dunhill Laboratory. Do you know that name?" Alfred plays dumb. Alfred loves to play dumb because Batman likes to look smart. Alfred says, "You mean the place trying to make a black hole creator?" Batman smirks. Batman sees what Alfred is doing. Batman is a great detective; he cannot be fooled so easily. Batman explains to Alfred the mystery because talking about the mystery helps Batman solve the case.

Oh look! Batman has found a clue! This clue will crack the case for Batman! Thank you, Alfred! Thank you, Batcave!

Batman follows the clues to Waynetech! Bruce Wayne always lets scientist's work at Waynetech. Those scientists always end up being mad scientists! Look at Victor Fries! Now look at Hugh Marder! See him inside his Hadron Collider that he built in Waynetech! See him transforming! See him...no, no! Batman! Look behind you! See the other way! No! It is too late for Batman! The Gas Man is here! Watch out for the Gas Man!

Gas Man tells another joke! His real name is Mister Toxic! That is a dumb name, Mister Toxic. Are you trying to be like Mister Bones? Mister Bones has a cyanide touch! What do you have, Mister Toxic? A radium blast? That is not very funny at all. Batman is not laughing at that joke.

Batman has been irradiated. Just like the time Batman (played by Adam West) was trapped in the X-ray case in Gotham's Nuclear Reactor by The Mad Hatter (played by David Wayne who looks like Rip Taylor) and he was fluoroscoped to death! But he did not die! No, no! That was a joke he played on the Mad Hatter! He put a fake skeleton in the chamber so that the Mad Hatter would think he had died! But he didn't die. But lots of people heard the joke and were sad. The whole world heard the joke and was sad. Even Aunt Harriet (played by Madge Blake) cried and cried. But that was a different story and a very different dimension. So forget that part of the story or you might be confused next bat month in the same bat comic.

Once upon a time, the story would have to be finished next month. See you next month when we will have plenty of more jokes! Ha ha!

I can't even comment on the Two Face back up story. Something about Two Face still having some hope of redemption. But his hope of redemption needs to be found alone and not by some guy named The Leader bringing it out of him. And so Two Face, having been kidnapped (or something), now comes back with a vengeance and he's ready to kill people. Or something. I don't know. I don't think the story is interesting enough to pay attention to. Anybody else out there reading it and caring about it? Write about it in the comments!

Detective Comics #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'll give this story a break because it didn't try too hard to tell a goddamned Batman story. It's a villain that actually has powers that can hurt Batman but he isn't over-the-top or trying to end the world. He has his own motivations and Batman is just an impediment to his goals. The back-up story is incomprehensible to me. Perhaps when the final chapter is written, I'll go back and reread the whole thing and see if it makes any sense.