Sunday, July 15, 2012

Aquaman #10

They begin the fight on the streets of Germany and end up in a storm at sea!

A is for Aquaman. Aquaman's real name is Arthur. He faces adversity. Anons ask him questions that simply say, "Asseater." Aquaman is angry at all the assholes. Aquaman is from Atlantis.

B is for Black Manta. Black Manta is a bad man and a bully. He is battling Aquaman because they have a blood feud. He has a big head. He thinks he can beat Aquaman but he should know better. Black Manta's name is not on the cover of the comic book. Black Manta is a black man.

C is for Curry. Curry is the most delicious food on every continent. Curry looks like crap but it tastes delicious. It is also Aquaman's last name. Aquaman Curry. No, no! It is his civilian last name! Arthur Curry!

D is for Dr. Shin. Dr. Shin is a dick. Dr. Shin had delusions of grandeur. But Aquaman's Dad did not let Dr. Shin publish his scientific findings. Dr. Shin decided to draw blood from Aquaman. He determined Black Manta could do the job. That did not work out so well.

E is for Entertaining. Entertaining is something I never thought an Aquaman book would ever be. Not for all eternity. Except I was wrong.

F is for Fathers. Black Manta was at fault for Arthur's father's fatal heart attack. Aquaman mistakenly felled Black Manta's father while trying to find Black Manta. They will never be friends. Now they must fight the blood feud because neither can forgive the other.

G is for Geoff Johns. Geoff Johns gets to do whatever he wants with Green Lantern. "DC is going to Reboot all the characters? Not Green Lantern, Goddammit!" Green Lantern's story goes on without any history getting thrown out like gross garbage.

H is for Homework. Black Manta did lots of homework to find the hiding places of The Others. See The Operative hurl Manta's homework in the air so he doesn't get shot full of holes?

I is for I. Why does The Operative have an "I" on his forehead? I don't know! Perhaps it has to do with his secret identity?

J is for Justice League. Just why did Aquaman join the Justice League? Did his jumping Great White Sharks justify his inclusion on the team? Green Lantern could have just made construct sharks instead of jerking around some real sharks who were just going about their shark business.

K is for Keeping Secrets. "S" could have simply been for secrets but I didn't want "K" to be for Killing. And what else is "K" going to be for? KKK? Kicking? Kebabs? Aquaman kept secrets from Mera. His secrets were not about kangaroos or a Kickstarter project. His kept secret was about killing Black Manta's father. Oh look! K is for Killing!

L is for Lust. I love looking at Mera's luscious body. Look at those legs! Look at those lips! Look at the other things that don't begin with "L"! Wouldn't you like to get laid by that? I hope she's not a lesbian!

M is for Mera. Mera is a married woman so maybe I shouldn't have said those other things! Mera is learning that her man might not be everything she thought he was. "M" may also stand for Manta's man parts which you can see in the panel above.

N is for Nothing.

O is for Operative. The Operative is an old man. He is also one of The Others, Aquaman's non-Justice League team who were hunting down Black Manta after Dr. Shin hired him which he kept secret from Mera. The Operative was out investigating Black Manta's operation to find out why Manta wants The Others' relics.

P is for Prisoner of War. Prisoner of War was practically murdered by Black Manta for making prank phone calls. No, I'm putting you on. Prisoner of War puts on his pals dog tags to get special powers. But Black Manta wanted his shackles for nefarious purposes. Manta is keeping secrets too!

Q is for Quarrel. Black Manta and Aquaman are having a quarrel. It is not quaint nor quiet. It is quite violent. I hope it's over quickly.

R is for Relics. Black Manta is hunting for The Others' relics. He has already retrieved The Seer's Seal of Clarity. Now he's robbed Ya'wara of her Globe. Prisoner of War rebuked his efforts to take his Manacles. Now Black Manta has run off to Dr. Shin's remote island to steal Aquaman's rustic Atlantean Belt Buckle.

S is for Something.

T is for Telepathy. Aquaman can talk to sea creatures with his telepathy. Ya'wara can talk to land animals with her telepathy. Aquaman and Ya'wara can touch each others minds with their telepathy which makes Mera totally jealous.

U is for Underwater. None of this issue takes place underwater.

V is for Vostok-X. Vostok-X has not ventured from his home on the moon yet. So Vostok-X was very much absent this issue. He is not a vampire.

W is for Walls. The walls in the DC Universe are weak. When someone wants to walk somewhere, they usually just walk through a wall.

X is for Vostok-X. Yes, I exceeded the expected limit of one concept per letter. Eat excrement! Eee! Tex creme meant!

Y is for Ya'wara. Yippee! Ya'wara wears a bikini all year round. Yes! Yee haw!

Z is for Ziege. Since this battle takes place in Germany, "Z" is the German word for Goat. Don't say I never taught you anything.

Aquaman #10 Rating: No change. Half of this comic was simply The Operative breaking into Black Manta's hideout. If that half had been more like the second half, I could have raised Aquaman's rank. Oh well. I'm a fickle bitch.

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