Futures End: Red Hood and the Outlaws #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! Recently, Goggles broadcast went national via short wave radio. But the signal was being blocked in Reading City by The Long Boxes, a gang of misogynistic, bigoted comic book know-it-alls who replaced it with their own show called "Truly Fanatical!" This is their broadcast.

Oh, um, hey, um...shit. Uh, this is Weasel and not, see, um, P.T. Goddard. See, he's...well, he's fucking dead, okay? Pretty near all of us...um, uh...all of them, the Long Boxes, are dead. Fuck that shit though, you know? Being dead just to be part of something bigger. Weasal ain't a Long Boxer no more, okay? I'm just...well...I'm here to shut down the jammer and read a message and, see, um, I guess do one final episode of "Truly Fanatical"? Yeah? That's what...I mean, yes, that's why I'm here.

Okay. Okay. OKAY!

Here's the message first. From, well...uh, um...you know who it's...okay...Goggles. It's from Goggles. She has...what? Hunh? Oh, okay, okay. It's from Goggles McDeathhurt. Right? Okay then. Here's the message. Ahem.

"Reading City is now closed. Please vacate the premises. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Is that it? Um...uh, yeah, okay, that's it. That's the entire message. Now I'm going to finish up this last show and, uh...well hell...I need to make it quick because, um, this city is kind of fucking on fire. So, let's see...this review is for, um, oh...yeah, yeah, I fucking get it, okay?...Red Hood and the Outlaws by the, um, oh, greatest writer to ever live, according to us, um, them, uh, the Long Boxes: Mister Scott Lobdell.

The issue begins with Mister Lobdell's deft use of, see, uh, narration boxes to ensure new readers know what character they're looking at and which old readers appreciate...oh, um...so very, very much.

Ugh. Really? I mean, really? I don't get the...okay, yeah. Yeah. Just don't...yeah, OKAY! Sorry. Fuck.

Jason Todd fears he's boring whatever he's talking to...the whisky bottle? his mask? the reader?...with his stories about the past. His stories are masterpieces of brief, succinct witticisms such as...ha, um...such as "another homeless orphan dealing and stealing in order to 'live' on the streets of Crime Alley." Wow. Majestic in its details. Astoundingly, um, beautiful in its portrayal of all homeless orphans yet laser focused to, see, uh, describe Jason Todd's early years. It exudes pain and misery. The reader cannot help but, um, feel symphony for his...what? Oh. Um, okay, yeah, sorry. The reader cannot help but feel sympathy for his plight. How did this...uh, see, um, hmm...poor child arrive at such a desolate situation? Only a master of fiction can create so much tension on the first page. Marvelous.

Red Hood is trapped in an abandoned building by the...uh...Central City police. The police are written as brilliant men just serving to protect, um, the public, hmm, peace. When Red Hood blows up a building, one of the, um, cops perceptively notes, "It was a distraction!" That's some fine police work, right there. You don't normally get a, ha, um, writer that can put himself into any profession and come up with, ha ha, um, hmm, dialogue so spot on and realistic.

This is ridiculous. I don't get why...yeah. I know. I see it. Yes, yes. Please...come on...don't...okay, okay. Just back the fuck off, okay?

Every thought by Red Hood draws you deeper into the profound philosophy of this heroic villain. Sometimes, what he says might not...um, well...make any sense, you think. But if you think about it more, you'll realize that you, the reader, don't make any sense. Mister Lobdell is questioning you and your ability to comprehend, um, er, the labyrinthine thoughts of Jason Todd. One could become lost trying to find their way out, but a way out there is. Careful study of every word will show how the negation of each statement only helps to solidify the truth of the statement so negated! Oh! A master craftsman like Scott Lobdell the world will never know again!

There are those that would, see, um, say that every plot of Scott Lobdell's is derivative of the X-men's struggle to stand heroically in a world that hates them, or the flip side of that, in Magneto's struggle to dominate the world so that he alone can make it the perfect place to live. But those people lack, um, imagination and are missing the point.

Mister Lobdell has fine tuned this plot. He's ground it down to a razor thin edge that can slice through the fog of social ills and placate the readers with the fog resistant understanding of a Native American fucked up on...um, what the fuck...really? I can't...but...okay, okay...fine. OKAY!...um, a Native American fucked up on peyote and shitting himself in his sweat lodge. His writing, like his penis, so tasty...so lickable. His writing, um, like his, uh, boner, raging against the constricting waistband of society's way too tight pants, seeking a way out to splurt his psychoactive jizz ideas across our expectant tongue minds. How can a comic book reading, um, fandom that appreciates well told stories and morally ambiguous characters that, um, we can fully identify with, how can that fandom not worship at the golden testicles of Mister Scott Lobdell, greatest comic book writer to ever have lived.

Look, um, you're not going to shoot me even aft...yeah, yeah. Okay. Just let Weasal go, man. I can't finish this. Please? Just let Weasal...no...NO!

[Loud bang and a scream, followed by sobbing and moaning. Rustling noises continue for several seconds before a new voice breaks in]

Dis here been "Truly Fanatical," sees it? Dis show over.

Futures End: Batwoman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! Recently, Goggles broadcast went national via short wave radio. But the signal was being blocked in Reading City by The Long Boxes, a gang of misogynistic, bigoted comic book know-it-alls who replaced it with their own show called "Truly Fanatical!" This is their broadcast.

Seriously, Scanners, fuck you. A big fuck you from your host, P.T. Goddard! You want to keep listening to that fucking cunt's broadcasts, you'd better tell her to get the fuck out of my city, gets it? If she and her Deep Stacks motherfuckers think they're going to sneak all of their comic book goodies out of here without us taking a shot at them, they've got another think coming! So don't be concerned if you hear some strange noises during this episode of "Truly Fanatical." That's just me cleaning and preparing my gun for my little excursion later to end that bitch Gobbles once and for all.

Until then, let's enjoy this issue of Futures End: Batwoman, shall we? And by "enjoy," I mean fucking despise it and everything it stands for with its gay, femimystical agenda.

The cover is one of those 3D images that shift when you change perspective. So some might think this is a picture of Batwoman suddenly opening her mouth wide to receive the goods. But we all know she's only hungry for twattage, so the image is really here closing her mouth quick after pretending she was going to swallow the beefsteak. That's a huge part of the femimystical power of the woman agenda. They think it's fucking okay to look sexy and alluring, teasing the fuck out of men on a constant basis with their short shorts and low cut blouses, while never planning to give it up. So right from the cover, I know where this comic book is going. Why do some writers feel they need to put their fucking agendas into stories for entertainment? Shouldn't they just stick to normal, regular plots where the guy is the hero and the guy fucks the girl? Now that's good, wholesome, storytelling without pushing any weird outside agenda onto everyday, normal life.

The issue begins with Alice declaring she has to kill her sister Kate.

You're right. It doesn't.

Batwoman has become a vampire because she's got to suck something and it ain't gonna be a penis. Alice needs to kill her because she disapproves of Kate's raw sexuality. She probably believes a woman's power doesn't come from seduction but from dancing naked under the moonlight while bleeding all down her legs. She probably believes a woman's power doesn't come from giving birth but from letting the egg pass unfertilized through the gates of her golden temple. As a femimystical heroine, she has to stop other women from pursuits that parallel the desires of the patriarchy. At least the femignostics agree women are free to do whatever they want even if what they want is to serve a man like they should. But these femiystical bitches just want a world without men. So maybe it is ironic that Alice has to kill Batwoman when Batwoman doesn't give a shit about men. But she's still using her female power all wrong. Vampires are patriarchal figures of masculine sexuality at its most irresistible, and Alice can't have Kate taking on that role. Femimystics can accept lesbianism but only in its most diluted, soft-core porn fashion where naked women cuddle and touch other naked women but nobody ever sticks their tongue in anybody else's pussy. True lesbians, to the femimystical, may as well be men.

A bunch of shit happens that proves Batwoman is using her femininity incorrectly because she's violent and murderous and calls another woman a bitch. She basically represents men in this comic book and Alice's agenda is to kill Batwoman and thus all men. The femimystical never come right out and say they want to kill all men though which is why this femimystical story is written as an analogy. The femimystical women believe women are love and peace and beauty and nature. They oppose violence and technology and hatred and ugliness (although, let's be honest, they don't really have a true aesthetic sense since any woman, to them, is beautiful. But come on!). But in the perfect femimystical world, there are no men. So where did they go? How did they all disappear? Couldn't be through violence and hatred, right? No, no! That's a man's way! To the femimystical, men will just, I suppose, eventually dwindle away, powerless and out of touch with the true universe. I bet this story ends with Alice never killing Kate because a femimystical woman doesn't kill, as I mentioned. I bet she just battles Kate until the sun comes up and then Kate disintegrates, easily washed away from the world by her own ignorance and ineptitude. Just the way the femimystical women think the world will eventually dispose of all males.

Damn, that's a really high waisted outfit.

Alice uses a bit of technology which doesn't totally go against femimystical modes of thought as long as the technology is used sparingly and in conjunction with the desires of nature. Here, Alice is using technology given to her by a man to help destroy Kate, the current symbol of manliness out of control. So that's okay then. I guess. Whatever.

The issue ends with Kate being killed by a hug and a wooden stake. So men are destroyed by love and nature. That's a better femimystical ending than having the sun rise and kill Batwoman even if that would have represented man destroying themselves. But then I don't claim to be able to think like a femimystic! Why would I want to? They're fucking crazy witches that think drinking menstrual blood restores their power. I might love my boner and love jerking off but I don't think I need to eat my seed to restore my manliness. Ugh.

Jesus Christ. Some of this shit comic book companies put out as entertainment. More like propaganda. When did comic books become the chosen method for people trying to change the world? The world was just fine until this garbage started coming out. Things were in control when white males were running everything and not being second guessed by all the people that don't know any better. You know who those people are! Those are the people whose blood I'm going to be spilling tonight as they think they can sneak into my city and take my shit. I guess it's currently The Deep Stack's shit but since it's in The Long Box's city, it's our fucking shit. And once they open up those vaults, we're going to descend on them like a biker gang of mutant raccoons. Tonight you die, Boggles.

That’s all I have to say about that! Thanks for listening to Truly Fanatical! Talk to you in twenty-three!

Futures End: Worlds' Finest #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! Recently, Goggles broadcast went national via short wave radio. But the signal was being blocked in Reading City by The Long Boxes, a gang of misogynistic, bigoted comic book know-it-alls who replaced it with their own show called "Truly Fanatical!" This is their broadcast.

Fuck you, Scanners! Fuck you right in your cock gobbling faces, you pieces of shit! Nobody in this city is going to be listening to that illiterate, dumb as a fucking cock, can't even fucking speak English fucking cunt Gobbles Upbutt-turds. Who can stand listening to that mongrelese? How can you idiots not just turn that shit off! Stop following that fucking show, you morons. Maybe the day she learns how to conjugate a few verbs correctly, she might be worth listening to. Until then, fuck trying to understand her shit, right? Someone talks like that, they're probably fucking retarded anyways.

That show is dead in Reading City, here me? This is the show you're going to get, comic book lovers! "Truly Fanatical!" That's me, P.T. Goddard, knower of all things comical anybody could ever know! And this is Long Box Country! It's our city and we won't have any of that Gobbles bullshit commentary on comics since she doesn't even know shit about them anyway. Fuck that whore. How the fuck did she get a fucking sponsor for her show? Probably because she's got titties.

Speaking of titties, I have in my talented little hands (if you understand what I'm saying, ladies, and, well let's face it, you probably don't being, you know, one of the, shall I say, less intelligent gender) a comic book featuring the two biggest boobs at DC Realfeel™ comic books! No, no! I'm not talking about Geoff Johns and Jim Lee although I can understand why you might jump to that conclusion! I'm talking about Power Girl's titties! The Huntress is also in this comic book but I'd probably only add half a titty to the total if I were to include her mamma-jammas.

I've got here the Futures End issue of Worlds' Finest, which is an apt title for this comic because boner city, right? The cover should replace "Power Girl" and "The Huntress" with "Right Boob" and "Left Boob." Without that boob window, Power Girl would have zero fans being that she's just a second rate Superman. No wait. Supergirl is a second-rate Superman and Power Girl is a third rate Supergirl. And the Huntress? Shit. She's worse than every Robin ever kicked the side of Batman and most of those Robins were huge pussies. Hmm, I guess she compares favorably to them after all! OH!

Oh, is that what we're supposed to call huge tits? Healthy?

Power Girl raids Cadmus Island because she knows her best friend and, probably, her strap-on lover is being held in their OMAC Prison Complex. As the truly fanatical know, her mission is bound to fail because, as seen in the pages of Futures End #18 and #19, she winds up under Brother Eye's control. But for now she's free and she may even manage to free The Huntress because something should probably happen in this comic book that'll matter in the Futures End weekly since Keith Giffen is advising on the issue. Unless he was just advising Paul Levitz on a proper diet to keep regular. How old are those guys anyway? They must be going on nearly dead.

While Power Boobs explores Cadmus Island, she discovers a lab where scientists have vivisected Steel. Good. Talk about third rate Supergirls! Why did DC even bother with that character? The only reason they created him was to have yet another black character. As if they didn't already have enough, they decided some useless guy, that nobody believed was a genius, by the way, could fill Superman's role when he wasn't available to protect Metropolis? Who cares if he's dead? Although now I wish there was a Futures End: Steel #1 that was just twenty pages of him being taken apart alive, panel by panel. The picture shows a big laundry cart filled with Steel's parts that says, "Steel Vivisection Results." Really? Those are the results? A big pile of waste products? I think somebody just did it for fun.

Metaphor? Oh yeah!

Power Girl emasculates Deathstroke by bending his phallus and then knocking it out of his hands. I can see that. He probably has her beat in a one on one match where he knows who she is or suspects she has powers. But here he needs to take some time to assess the situation, having first thought she was simply an unknown human having breached security. She might be strong but he has a much sharper and more tactical mind for battle. So Power Girl wins the first round due to surprise but I'm sure Deathstroke will take her out by the end. If not then Paul Levitz is a fucking hack that doesn't know anything about comic books or these characters.

Next, Deathstroke blows his load all over Power Girl's chest.

This happens every time Power Girl wears an article of clothing that covers up her cleavage.

Before Deathstroke can teach Power Girl a thing or two about kicking ass, Fifty Sue arrives on the scene to stop Power Girl. Fifty Sue is some super powered creature created by Cadmus. Her looks were made to match her attitude. She's a horrible little monster so she was made to look like a little girl. Power Girl suspects she might be Darkseid's daughter which would be something since Darkseid's daughter was supposed to appear in Vibe and then that stupid shit got its ass cancelled because it was about the most boring character DC ever created. Again, when you create a character just to have another minority character, it's going to wind up stupid and dumb bullshit.

And then a sixth rate Supergirl comes to Power Girl's rescue. Great.

She doesn't quite fill out the suit as well as the original. Not bad though. Not bad at all.

Fifty Sue defeats both Power Girls because DC decided they needed some all-powerful antagonist working for Cadmus and in cahoots with Brother Eye. And who better than a little girl that nobody has ever heard of before? I'm just surprised DC made her a white little girl. I guess it would be wrong to make her a minority since she's the biggest bad guy on Earth right now. Can't have that!

Once again, another Futures End comic book that didn't fucking matter at all! Maybe Fifty Sue will turn out to be related to Darkseid somehow since something needs to explain why Giffen was involved in this book. I guess he had to make sure that Paul Levitz didn't do something stupid that would make DC a laughingstock for years to come because DC has a reputation of excellence to maintain! Not like they've ever done anything stupid like that before! You know, something really fucking dumb like having a character like Eclipso defeat all of DC's heroes in a huge summer event only to have his secret headquarters on the dark side of the moon to protect himself from his greatest weakness, the sun, even though the location of his headquarters meant he was bathed in sunlight for nearly half of the moon's rotation each month. Fucking idiots.

That's all I have to say about that! Thanks for listening to Truly Fanatical! Don't fucking listen to that other fucking illiterate show or the Long Boxes will fucking kill you. Talk to you in twenty-three!

Futures End: Superboy #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Got some gute news todays, feels? Not dat news bout dozens a cities burnin' all 'cross da Dusty Stretches aldough dat pobably pissin' off dem richies and dere s'porters, sees? Nah, Old Goggs gots a recortin' via messenger from upstate Old York. Promised it be from Prof, so seems he well y good, for da minute. Nah, his recortin' of a bigbig meetup in Upper Kinder Camp. Donna knowedit how he snucked in und recorted it but he findered a way, ja? Seems dese kinderen, none more den bout firteen or fourteen, sees, meets up on some nights ta tell demselfs stories round a bongfire. So tonight, as Goggs and Archivist Melville und our new friends sits jess outside a Reading City finking up our plans ta git dem Deep Stacks outta dere mit little trouble as possible, she jess gonna hit play on dis recortin' und let da world hearem a truthful recortin' of da actual res'dents of Upper Kinder Camp. Enjoys it, ja?

[Noises of scrambling, clicking, static, and mumbling before a new voice begins speaking over the crackling sound of a large fire]

Cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys, take sounds.
Shoves sounds, eat sounds, belly sounds.
Throw sounds. Catch sounds. Gobble sounds.
Take sounds, cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys.

Vroom! Vroom! [For several seconds, many voices take up the chant, whispering hoarsely, "Vroom! Vroom!" over and over until the main voice continues]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [The vroom chant stops and is replaced by screams and cries]
Scramble! Dither! Produce!
Press play! Press record!
Remembit, cheese monkeys, remembit!

[Sudden gasps followed by oohs and ahhs amidst joyful cries of "Superboy"]

Fill eyes, cheese monkeys. Gobble pictures.
Gobble sounds. Gobble whys.
Whys man, Superboy, whys man.
Whys togather none pay rent? Whys?

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Many voices begin repeating, nearly in unison, lines apparently memorized by the throng]

"Superboy never gived up we cheese monkeys. Taught we, cheese monkeys. Pretty we, cheese monkeys. Leave past behind! Leave past behind! Cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys! Leave past behind!"

[Lots of whooping and hollering. The main speaker waits patiently for the crowd to quiet down before continuing]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [More screaming and terrified yelps]
Lone! Little! Lost!
Empty souls! Empty wallets!
Not cheeses! Not monkeys!

Pay rent! A band done!
Tear ears! Whore ears! Fear ears!
Whys man, Superboy, whys man.
Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Again, many voices begin repeating, less in unison than previously, lines apparently still being learned by many in the throng]

"Finish problem! Fights alone! Others stay! Cheese monkeys stand down!"

[A chorus of plaintive "no"s come from the crowd who obviously know the ending of the story]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sk....[Squeaks and squeals of delighted terror drown out the speaker]
Cheese monkey, I, overwhelped.
Gobble hate! Gobble pain!
Sky tigers pay rent!

Whys man, Superboy, whys man!
Help cheese monkey, I!
Why cheese monkey, I?
How cheese monkey, I?!

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Once more, many voices begin repeating, enthusiastically and full of joy, lines memorized by the many in the throng]

"Cheese monkeys stand up! Cheese monkeys together! Cheese monkeys suck following orders! Stand down, pay rents!"

[Cheers and enthusiastic hooting and clapping from the crowd]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [Laughter and boos this time, possibly brought on by the body language of the speaker]
Sky tigers squabble! Sky tigers betray!
Gobble greed! Gobble desire!
Sky tigers gobble sky tigers!

Cheese monkeys win! Cheese monkeys triumph!
Whys man, Superboy, whys man?
We! Cheese monkeys! We!
Stand together! Fight together!

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make remembits! Loud! Loudly! Loudsest!

[One final time, the throng repeat memorized lines, this time yelling them, screaming them, laughing them loudly]

"Thanks Cheese monkeys! Thanks Superboy! Family all! Family! We, cheese monkeys, family! Thank you, Superboy!"

[The rest of the broadcast is several minutes of unintelligible screaming, mumbling, laughing, and yelling until the recording reaches its end with several loud clicking noises and a final, soft buzzing]

Futures End: Green Lantern Corps #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Memember backs in da Formertimes how scared everduster was gettin' mit ever fing, from foreigners ta youfs ta drugs ta guns ta poverty ta jess bout anyfing ya can fink on. Peeps so scared a everting dat dey forgetted how dif'cult it been ta be young y full a rampagin' hormones mit an ultimately incomplete brain so any time some dumb dumb kid did somefin stupid dat might ruin dat kid's future selfs life, dey fink it were okay ta put dat kid on trials as an adult. Peeps so hungry fer punishments dat dey finkin' it be okay ta ignore da reasons fer juvenile law. Jess finking ta demselfs, "That child is going to get away with murder unless they are tried as an adult! They'll be free at eighteen! Where is the justice in that?!" Whevver peeps likes it or not, da justice system weren't set up jess ta protect da victims of crimes, sees? Da perpetrators of dem crimes also needs protection from da emotional y rabid mobs dat jess wants ta see blood fer blood. Und while somedust dat's 'propriate, sees, sometimes it ain'ts. And dats when da justice system uz s'posed ta tell da angry peeps, "We's know alla ya alls peeps supremely pissed offs right now but we gots ways ta deal mit criminals what don't involves torches y horses y swinging corpses, kays? We knows whats we be doin' und we 'preciate ya don't be pushin' us 'round while we's tryin' ta do da best job ta protect everduster in dis here case." Even dat...even dat which Goggs jess said woulda gonna raise da hackles on some dem Formertimes peeps acause dey donna wanna hear bout some duster jess murdered some ovver duster havin' any rights. "They gave up those rights the minute they took away some other person's life," dems scared peeps sayin. Mos' cases, mayhaps dat be true. Dat sure be true now in The Dusty Stretches. Justice dead und buried here und if'n ya wanna be a dick, ya gonna haff ta answer ta all dem ovver baddest asses dat violently, murderously, vigilanteishly hate peeps being dicks.

So anydust, back ta dat fing bout kinderen being tried as adults in dem Formertimes. When some kid murders or rapes or seriously y maliciously harms some uvver kid, peeps cryin' out ta try dat kid as an adult acause all dey can sees is da punishment. All dey sees is da victim needs justice. But deys forgets dat kids ain't built fer adult society. Dey cain't, physically, unnerstand some dem consequences of dere actions. Und da adult dey gonna one day become shouldna haff ta live dere entire lifes in jail fer somefin dat stupid, half-brained kid did years ago. Yeah, dem victims gonna haff ta live mit da pain of being victimize, truth. But some dusters gotta fink bout da dumb dumb fing dey did as a kid y a teen und how much dey regrets dat stuff even dough dey never been punished fer it und re'lize da later, adult selfs of dese juvenile criminals gonna hates dat kid dey was as well. Dis one dem problems mit dat Way of the Liard religion und da like...dey fink evil be an actual entity. Dey fink ya can label peeps as jess evil or jess goods. But really, peeps jess animals forced inta dis fuckity culture, dis make believe society, dis artyficial construct dat weren't meant fer dere animal brains. Takes fuckin' time ta figger it out, more fer some den fer ovvers. But da ones dat says, "I knew right from wrong my whole life!" or "My parents taught me that I shouldn't forcefully impose my will on others even though the animal part of my brain desired something and I hadn't yet developed the cognitive ability to process empathy yet, so why can't everybody else have lived my exact life and reacted the exact way that I did, hunh? Answer me that!"

Sure, sure. It's fuckin' tough fer da victims y dere families ta see some convicted juvenile walk affer jess a scant few years of punishments. Dat's obvious. But truths being, a society gotsta takes inta account how da juvenile brain grows afore dey frow away da life of the adult dat juvenile will someday become. We all of us been dat raw, emotional, hormonal, every nerve ending firing way hotter den seem possible a'times, und mos' a us...well, mos' a youse...made it frough dat time lucky y unscathed. Ya didna do somefin stupid dat mighta ruint yer life. Ya fink ya made it frough cause ya had common sense and good parents and youse were smart y polite and followed the rules. But really, ya were jess damned lucky, sees? Fate, providence, random happenstance jess never putted ya in a situation where ya wound up doin' somefin stupid, feels? Jess like ever now y den, some kid falls outta some tree und breaks her Goddessdamned neck...nobody gonna blame dat kid fer being a kid und not knowin' any better 'bout safety or how ta climb a tree. Dat kid jess revelin' in pure kid joy und somefin bad happened and dat was it. We alla us jess lucky ta survive childhood. Some a youse dusters jess lucky ta make it frough mitout ruining da life of da adult ya were bound ta become. Und some of us, sees, includin' Old Goggs here...well, some of us were given second chances fanks ta da foresight of a legel system dat knows kids takes some time ta gets mit da program dat culture y society 'spects us ta git wit from birf.

Anydust, dat's da long way of Goggs sayin if ya wanna change da world...if ya wan' fings ta be mucho different from dem Formertimes, ya gotta look ta dem what don't know any better. Dem dat weren't corrupted by round trip affer round trip of law built upon law built upon social contracts built upon hearsay y heresy und fear y loathing and the illusion of safety and bullshit affer bullshit affer bullshit or racism y sexism und bigotry. That's Old Goggs thought, anydust. Mayhap it be time we see how dem kids groweds up outside dose Formertimes and outside da influence of dem Formertimes here in da first few round trips of The Dusty Stretches...mayhap it's time ta see how dey gettin' along mit dis world, sees? Mayhap dey come up mit somefin we can works mit. At da very least...dere's hopes in havin' kinderen around, even if dey wild y unruly. And mayhap dey be jess malleable y wild enough ta grasp all dat horsedick philosophy Goggs choked down while at Buzztown.

Enh. We'll be seein'. Soons, I guess. How 'bout lookin' at a fun fun littyrapture book dat looks like, jess judgin' by da cover (which I fink I pobably shouldna do, right?!) with Stewart as an Indigo, it mights be 'bout redemption itdelf.

Poor, misunderstood Lantern Stewart. He has racked up lotsa lotsa kills but all mit gute reason. Cept maybe dat time his arrogance caused a planet ta blowed up. Dat mayhap jess been chalked up ta da learnin' sperience.

'Parently, da Green Lantern Corps wants ta take back Space Sector Zero ta reestablish control da unyverse. Ugh. Fuckity fuck control. Dat missin' da whole point of a police force. Youse guys weren't s'posed ta be military, feels? Ya established youselfs ta protect y serve, ja? Enough mit dis control bullshit. It onny leads ta fuckin' ruin, ta hatred, ta conflict y aggression. Peeps donna need ta be controlled. Dey need ta trusted, fuckers.

John picks Feska ta go on da mission ta Oa mit him. Old Goggs woulda choosed 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 acause...well, Old Goggs donna really know why. Somefin mussa comed over her...demonical possession or somefin. Also finkin 'bout some vampire named Tig alla sudden. Fuckity weird, ja?

Imagine a unyverse where all da dusters ya know are friends und dere ain't no duster mit ulterior motives or desire fer powers causin' rifts all updown dose friendships. Old Goggs gots high hopes fer places like Upper Kinder Camp, feels her?

Indigo-1 arrives, like one dem ghosts from dat urban bout da greedy guy, ta teach Johns a lesson. See dese Indigo dusters be criminals what been given second chances by dem rings acause da indigo light be 'bout compassion. Dats da part of justice mos' peeps tend ta forgets. Noduster seem ta wanna pay no mind ta compassion y rehabilitation. Dey jess wants ta live in da easy world fulla black y whte und good y evil. Gray fucks dem up, sees it? Dey donna wanna hear bout no gray horsedick acause it jess be too difficult. Dat's where John findin' himselfs right now. Givin' up on da gray cause da bullet in da head of anyduster not playin' by his rules be easier den figgerin' out a way ta make peace.

Old Goggs figger dat dis here writers, Vans Jensens, got some close up personal unnerstandin' a dem juvenile indiscretionaries.

I speakeded on dis while back when I readem dat Batgirl issue, bout how da Goddess say everting ya encounter, ya encounterin' at jess da right moment, at zactly da time ya needs it. Dis here fun fun book...it jess provin' ta Old Goggs dat she on da right track und dat sendin' da Prof ta Upper Kinder Camp, if'n he got my secret message during my Suicide Squad broadcast, was da right fing ta do. Dis here what dat leader of dem Indigos says, right dere at da near-end: "All appears bleak, so many embrace entropy and lash out. So many dark souls decide that building the future is hopeless. Instead they destroy. But do not follow this path, children. For there exists another road." Dat's Old Goggles way, what was da way she found in Buzztown, what was da way The Professor tried ta git inta her fick head in dat first round trip affer da General Breakdown. We gonna rebuild da future. We gonna fill dese here hearts up mit hope. But we ain't gonna rebuild dat which oncet was. Dat da part Old Goggs saw afore Prof or Savant, bless her pacifist hearts, saw. Dey stuck in old ideas y old ways. But Old Goggs is too, somewhat. Mired in what were learned by too many years in da Formertimes. Dats why, and dis Old Goggs' idea alone, she gonna learn bout dem kinderen places. Hopes Prof gits back ta her soons mit some intels, sees? Cain't jess march in unprepared. Cautious be da way, dis time. Dey might be reactin' like scared rabbits when we come acallin...but dey also might turns out ta be da fuckity honey badgers everduster a'eady finks day are. No tellin, really. It all jess urban affer urban bout dem kinderen places.

Anydust, gonna be gittin' long ta Reading City soon. Hear tell dem Long Boxes be jammin' Goggs' broadcast und talkin' over it ta da Lower Voices demselfs. Dis trip mayhap gonna be a bits more violent den Goggs a'eady hoped it uz gonna be. Goddess walk wif ya, feels it?

Futures End: Justice League #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs thunked tryin' ta survive in Old York 'midst da lower voices mit dere love of thievery und murder was difficult. She forgettem how hard being on dat dusty road were, sees? Gotsta constant worry bouts feeds und gasses fer da vehicle und bandits und mutative raccoons. Forgot how much fun it were too if'n ya well prepared! Und dese guys Goggles tooked out back in her skydyhole, dey had lotsa lotsa ammunition fer der big bangers, which now am Gogg's big bangers, sees? Food ain't been a prob yet. Goggles been high stocked fer long minutes ready ta take a quick powder, sees? Plus she gots a small army, dis point. Dem lower voices been streamin' outta Old York like da lubrication down a young'ns leg kissin' her firs crush, sees? Und Goggles been collectin' em all up acause wes gots places ta go und fings ta do und hell ta face. Eventually. Maybe. Maybe we decide later whevver er nah we gonna face dat hell, ja? 'Til den, wes all gonna make a little jaunt ta Reading City und collect up dem Deep Stacks and dere deep stack of knowits. Mayhap we gonna corpse us some Long Boxers jess fer da pure pleasures of it too, sees?

Ja, ja. Goggles knowsit! She gonna make a place fer peace und love und all dat hooey 'ventualy. But some peeps, ya jess ain't gonna be ables ta live mit no matters what. So fucks em, see? Fucks em und take alla all dere fun fun littyrapture books fer gute measure.

Dis week, Goggles gots part two dat story bout dem dumb dumb Justice Leaguers what knew dey weres strollin' updown inta some trap y still fuckin' kept traipsining right along. Now we gonna read 'bout how dey all corpse it, right? Teach em a lesson, it would.

Well, some duster bester corpse some uvver duster soon or Old Goggs gonna bet bored mit all dis posturing.

Dis fuckity Captain Atom gonna talk like he da master of everting und he can do whatevem he pleases acause he be all kindsa powerful. But den he grow up all bigbig y threaten everduster's life if'n dey donna let him git offa Mars. If'n youse can control alla dat unyversem matter den donna youse fink ya can git offa dis here planet? Fuckin' bonger. Aspeakin' of bongers, dis duster be completely naked und he ain't got nuffin' 'tween his legs. Dis guy can shapes his body up however he want to, so he got big muscles und a tight abdomens und a tighter ass but he ain't gonna gives hisself a big ol' cock? Who am dis guy? I loves my vagina but I pobably swing out some gantic bonger jess ta intimidates alla dem good guys.

Ever duster fights y fights while dey jess keeps on talkin' y talkin'. Somedust, I jess wisht dey'd all jess shut up und punch each ovver ta death if'n dey've decided punchin' am da way ta go. Goggs ain't never been in a battle mit some duster tryin' ta corpse her where she thunked da best fing ta do was ta philosophize mit her enemy. If dese peeps thunked dey could reason fings out, why dey fightin'? Jess do one or da ovver, ja?

No fate be worse den being corpsed, ya psycho monkey.

I figger dat ape jess a dumb monkey und he donna know any better. But why dusters almays gotta trots out dat whole "fate worse than death" garbage? When ya corpsed, dat's it. Dere ain't nuffin' more lef', sees? So dat's da worstest fate dere is. If ya still be livin' but in some kinda despicable, horrid conditions, well...at least ya ain't dead, sees? Some fates mightem be "as bad as death," like maybe bein' brain dead or sumfin. But no fate is worse. How can a fate be worse den not existin', feels me? Da monkey continues sayin' dat it took him many round trips ta break free from da mind controls. Well, do ya fink ya coulda broked free from bein' dead affer a few round trips? No, ya Mope. So sees? Dat weren't a fate worse den death at all acause ya had hope of changin' it! I guess monkeys ain't been known fer dere skills mit metaphysical finking.

Finally, dat alien guy gits free und puts da telepathos whammy on dat Captain Atom so dat he gits stuck in dreamsland. Captain Atom gits ta be at home again und be human again und not be dat big cosmic monster he'd become. Now dat kind of visit ta dreamsland, Old Goggs wouldna mind. Give back my old world ta me fer until I dies und I be happy ta sleep dat big sleep minute affer minute, round trip affer round trip. Slong as Old Goggs didna haff ta wake backs up in The Dusty Stretches, she be lovin' da idea of gittin' stuck in da dreamsland. But since dis shit what she gonna haveta wakes up ta ever single day, she jess hopin' when she sleep, she donna fuckin' dreams.

Hmm. Dat's it fer dis week acause dis here fun fun book was kinda pointless. Lotsa lotsa fightin' over gittin' off dat damned Mars but none a dat fightin' had ta take place at all. Dey could haff jess left dem badbads ta rot since none of dem could gits past dat shields. I guessin' dat Captain Atom desperate 'nuff ta kill everduster, so mayhaps it be a gute ting dey took dat trips, specially fer dat alien guy. But he gonna stay on dat planet all lonesome like takin' care a dem prisoners real nice like acause he a good guy. Also Mars be his home, so mayhap he telepathosing all hims ancestors or sumfin. Mayhap wit dem telepathos powers, he can have seance sex mit dem ghosts of his ancestors. He bang bang bangin' in his mind while dem prisoners all dreamin' dey in dere happy places too. Dat fuckin' alien jess usin' dis prison as a rationalization fer escapin' life. It like his drug, dat prison, sees? Also, mayhap he don't fuckity like humans no more acause dey stink or sumfin.

Goddess be wif ya all if'n dats what ya wants. I say ya should wants it acause she gives you shit fer practical free right here in dis life! But ya free ta do what ya wants, sees? Anydust, gonna be in Reading City in a week or two cause we takin' fings slow. Hope dem Long Boxers jess keep ta dere hidey holes whilst we clear out dem Deep Stacks. Wisht us luck, ja? Und youse lower voices in Reading City? Git ready ta join up und den burn it all down. We gots a world ta build.

Futures End: Justice League United #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Deux nights ago, I, Goggles fer ya lower voices jess first times hearin' my voice acause ya jess first times gittin' dis broadcast, wakes up from da dreamsland where I had beens sloggin' frough dust up ter my tits. I was finkin bout tryin' my hand at swimmin' frough it, it be so dickin' thick. See, Goggs uz a champeenship swimmer back in da Formertimes. Anydust, when I wokeded up, I findered myselfs on a spacious patio mit a martini and a bowls a mixed nuts on da table nearish. I fink it were a martini acause Goggs never uz much fer da drinkin but it had dat olive in da funny glass like on da cover dat Funnygut book my tamā owned but which I never read. Da sky were blue und clear. A shimminy pool stretchered out afore me. Da air uz crisp und it didna hurt ta breathe. I sighed. It had, alla it, ever single minute of it, been a nightscare. The Dusty Stretches jess a figment, sees? I spread my toes wide, starin' at da smooth browness of da skin as opposed ta dat cracked, old leather beaten look I's gottens useded ta. I uz naked und beautiful und serene. And den Grant comed out from da vague, foggy building what was behind me, pale and naked hisself und also so, so very beautiful. He smiled loverly und I began ta panics. He shouldna be here, I thunked. If he's here den alla it, ever piece a it, happened. He sayit, "What's wrong, Goggles?" Und I picked up dat bowl of nuts und I hurled dem at his head und I screamed, or I growled, or I laughed, or I choked, or, mayhaps, I doned dem all. Und den I woked up, tryin' ta catch my breaf, scramblin' ta hold onta dat world as it fadered 'way. I uz a'eady sobbin' when I woked, sobbin' and cursin' dem fuckin' dreamslands, cursin' da dust, cursin' Prof y Grant und everduster und everting acause fuckit. I's almays so fuckin' tired but fuckit. Fuck da dreamslands, feels me? Old Goggs would rather stay awake.

The Goddess pobably wanna tell me dat dream be a gift a some sort. But fucker her too. Gifts donna leaf ya wishin' ya was dead jess so ya wouldna haff ta feel not a thing no more, minute affer minute til da unyverse jess finally wears itself out. Aldough, I should pobably confessem, it were nice ta see Grant's bonger 'gain, even if it onny a figment.

Dis da future Old Goggs wishta haff gotten!

Goggs sure do miss animals what ain't rodents, feels her? Gots enuff a rats y squirrels, sees? How dem squirrels fuckin' survivin', da little bassards? Dey ain't much better ta eat den da rats but at leas' dey donna smell like piss when ya cooks 'em. S'pose Old Goggs could visit one dem kitten farms und gits herself a kitten but some fucker sure fing gonna come along und eats it soon as she turns her backs on it, und den where would Goggs be? Out fousands of koku and broken hearted! Fuck dat. Und I ain't seens a dog fer quite a few round trips now. Mayhap las' one I saw be dat one dem guys crackin' bongers over. I bet dere bears y wolfs und shit out deres somewheres, sees? Gots ta be. Bets I sees a deer soon now dat dis show on da road! Dat'd be a sight, ja? Stomach growlin' jess finkin' about it.

Hmm. Maybe dis ain't no future Goggs wanna haff ta deal mit.

Big probs keepin' animals acause dey eats so Goddessdamned much, ja? Dem Formertimes peeps had luxuries all updown everplace und da biggest one uz feedin' good eatin' food to good eatin' food! Dey ain't never did know da sweet taste a canine, sees it? Dumb bassards. Aldough, wonders where Goggs can gets a keepin' bear? Dat be odysseic.

Dis here girl, Equinox, she gettem a telepathos massage from dat alien guy what chows on dem Oreos. Oh fuckity, I miss dem Oreos! Mayhap Goggs can find her some teensy known 'venience store somedust outs here on dese backroads. Anydust, dat alien got mad scares 'bout somefin done gone wrong, pobably has ta do mit da futures. Dumb dumb telltales 'bout changin' da past so some future don't comes 'bout. Blargh, says old Goggs!

So Equinox goes ta visit da Animal Man.

Aww. Ain't Maxine a cute little fuckity, ja?

Turns out Supersman mussa closed up da Phantom Zone acause now da Justice League puts da really bigbig badbads in a prison on Mars. Gotsta wonder if'n dey even gets a trial, rights? Guessin' not since da Justice League is all fulled up mit righteous pricks. Anydust, 'parently dem badbads 'scaped und now...um...now what? So dey run loose on da Martian surface. Big deals! Lets em!

Ha ha! Oh, Stormguy! Ya wear youse naivete as proudly as ya wear yer 'Merican flag cape.

Da Justice League goes ta Mars acause dey a bunch of idiots. Jess leave dem shields up round da planet und let da fuckity badbads run free. 'Less day also keepin' Warworlds in storage up dere. But ever time somefin looks like a trap und everduster knows it's a trap, dey still alla dem gotta go trip da trap. Dumb dumb fuckers.

Why's everduster in action fiction gotta fink of demselves as immortal bad asses what can handle everting? Out here in The Dusty Stretches, if ya fink somefin is a trap, or you fink some place gonna host an ambush, or you know some fuckity horsedick wantin' ta kill ya, ya donna fuckin' stand ups und yells, "Comes und gets me, fuckers!" Fuck no! Ya avoid da trap and jess go da ovver way. Ya stay outta dangerous places. Und ya prepares ya house mit loads y loads of booby traps ta kill any duster dat comes at ya mit malice in dey hearts. Sos when Cybot says da place is too quiets und Stormguy agrees und says, "It's gotta be a trap," dese dumb fuckers next line a dialogue should be, "Lets alla us git da fuck outta here!" How many kokus ya wanna bet dat ain'ts what dey says at all, feels?

Da next line is by Equinox und it's "Arrgh!" which seems ta s'port dat trap feory.

Cockfist? Cuntthumper? Captain Telepath?

Da badbads suddenly appear und da first ting dey says is, "Looks like our rides here." See, ya dumb fucks? Jess shoulda stayed at home like Old Goggs said und leave dese asscabbages ta rot on Mars. But no! Ya gotsta go trigger da trap und bring dem a fuckity ship ta git home in. Gute one.

Oh fuckity. Even better! If dat be da onny fing can bypass da shields den why even worry bouts a breaksout on Mars? Arrogance gonna git dese fuckers in trouble ever fuckin' time.

Ya know whats kinds of peeps haff survived dese here Dusty Stretches? Da kind what don't says dumb merde like, "Let's go investigate!" Nein, nein. Dems what survives now says, "Let's gettem da fuck outta here, pronto!"

Anydust, da big dumb dumbs find dat alien guy what tells dem dey shouldna haff come. Why he gotta tell dem dat? Dey shoulda fuckin' knowedit demselves. Guess 'telligence ain'ts got nuffin' ta do mit what joker gits dem supered powers, ja? Also, Old Goggs guesses a littyrapture book where da heroes hears tell of some conflict den jess decides ta not bovver mit it acause it's pobably a trap wouldna be interestin', ja?

Peeps still survivin' these Dusty Stretches do falls fer traps now y den, sees it? But dats acause dey fink like dese heroes und fink deys immortal baddest asses dat cans handles anyfink anyduster frows at dem. Und dats why dese richies, dese power hungry bigbigs gonna lose everting soon. Acause dey fink no matter what, da world gonna keep turnin' dere way, sees? Dey fink dey gots enough smarts und enough power und enough weapons und, well, enough enough, ta comes out on top of any conflict dey gits inta. Dey got dat bigtime arrogance makes dem fink dere power und control rests solely on dere abilities und dere merits. Dey, nots one of dem, don'ts realize dey actually sittin' on da top one of dem jenga towers dat jess need ones more block pulled out fore it all gonna crumble down round dere tears. Even tellin' em dis! Even assuming dey lissenin' ta dis broadcast...tellin' dem flat out what gonna happen, dey still gonna walk right inta da trap as carelessfree as can be. Jess watch. Or, jess lissen. Dat time acoming.

Oh ja, turns out dat Captain Atomical be da bad guy ahind it all. Also, dis here telltale gonna be continued nex' week, sees? Dat not cause Old Goggs gettin' bored mit dis broadcast und gots a big itch ta go fuck somefin, nope. Dat acause it continuated in some ovver fun fun littyrapture book which Old Goggs gotsta dig outta some box somewheres. Donna worry! She ain't gonna leaves ya hangin on it, sees? Be backs nex' week, feels? Takes care.