Futures End: Superboy #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Got some gute news todays, feels? Not dat news bout dozens a cities burnin' all 'cross da Dusty Stretches aldough dat pobably pissin' off dem richies and dere s'porters, sees? Nah, Old Goggs gots a recortin' via messenger from upstate Old York. Promised it be from Prof, so seems he well y good, for da minute. Nah, his recortin' of a bigbig meetup in Upper Kinder Camp. Donna knowedit how he snucked in und recorted it but he findered a way, ja? Seems dese kinderen, none more den bout firteen or fourteen, sees, meets up on some nights ta tell demselfs stories round a bongfire. So tonight, as Goggs and Archivist Melville und our new friends sits jess outside a Reading City finking up our plans ta git dem Deep Stacks outta dere mit little trouble as possible, she jess gonna hit play on dis recortin' und let da world hearem a truthful recortin' of da actual res'dents of Upper Kinder Camp. Enjoys it, ja?

[Noises of scrambling, clicking, static, and mumbling before a new voice begins speaking over the crackling sound of a large fire]

Cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys, take sounds.
Shoves sounds, eat sounds, belly sounds.
Throw sounds. Catch sounds. Gobble sounds.
Take sounds, cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys.

Vroom! Vroom! [For several seconds, many voices take up the chant, whispering hoarsely, "Vroom! Vroom!" over and over until the main voice continues]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [The vroom chant stops and is replaced by screams and cries]
Scramble! Dither! Produce!
Press play! Press record!
Remembit, cheese monkeys, remembit!

[Sudden gasps followed by oohs and ahhs amidst joyful cries of "Superboy"]

Fill eyes, cheese monkeys. Gobble pictures.
Gobble sounds. Gobble whys.
Whys man, Superboy, whys man.
Whys togather none pay rent? Whys?

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Many voices begin repeating, nearly in unison, lines apparently memorized by the throng]

"Superboy never gived up we cheese monkeys. Taught we, cheese monkeys. Pretty we, cheese monkeys. Leave past behind! Leave past behind! Cheese monkeys, cheese monkeys! Leave past behind!"

[Lots of whooping and hollering. The main speaker waits patiently for the crowd to quiet down before continuing]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [More screaming and terrified yelps]
Lone! Little! Lost!
Empty souls! Empty wallets!
Not cheeses! Not monkeys!

Pay rent! A band done!
Tear ears! Whore ears! Fear ears!
Whys man, Superboy, whys man.
Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Again, many voices begin repeating, less in unison than previously, lines apparently still being learned by many in the throng]

"Finish problem! Fights alone! Others stay! Cheese monkeys stand down!"

[A chorus of plaintive "no"s come from the crowd who obviously know the ending of the story]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sk....[Squeaks and squeals of delighted terror drown out the speaker]
Cheese monkey, I, overwhelped.
Gobble hate! Gobble pain!
Sky tigers pay rent!

Whys man, Superboy, whys man!
Help cheese monkey, I!
Why cheese monkey, I?
How cheese monkey, I?!

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make sounds!

[Once more, many voices begin repeating, enthusiastically and full of joy, lines memorized by the many in the throng]

"Cheese monkeys stand up! Cheese monkeys together! Cheese monkeys suck following orders! Stand down, pay rents!"

[Cheers and enthusiastic hooting and clapping from the crowd]

Sky tigers! Whoosh! Sky tigers! [Laughter and boos this time, possibly brought on by the body language of the speaker]
Sky tigers squabble! Sky tigers betray!
Gobble greed! Gobble desire!
Sky tigers gobble sky tigers!

Cheese monkeys win! Cheese monkeys triumph!
Whys man, Superboy, whys man?
We! Cheese monkeys! We!
Stand together! Fight together!

Make sounds, cheese monkeys! Make remembits! Loud! Loudly! Loudsest!

[One final time, the throng repeat memorized lines, this time yelling them, screaming them, laughing them loudly]

"Thanks Cheese monkeys! Thanks Superboy! Family all! Family! We, cheese monkeys, family! Thank you, Superboy!"

[The rest of the broadcast is several minutes of unintelligible screaming, mumbling, laughing, and yelling until the recording reaches its end with several loud clicking noises and a final, soft buzzing]

Superboy #32

The living weapon finally cracks!

This is a story about Superboy. Superboy was created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to be a living weapon, you know? Because the best kind of weapon is not the kind that sits there passively waiting for you to use it. No, no! That's conservative and traditional thinking! The best kind of weapon is the kind that you have no control over! The kind with emotions so that when somebody says "Guns don't kill people. Living weapons kill people," they're more accurate than that other stupid version of the statement. Who wants a gun that can't kill people?! What a useless object! That's why you need a living gun that can get pissed off all by itself and do the killing all by itself so that all those pinko lefties will finally be right when they say guns kill people!

If I had a living weapon, I'd probably take it on walks at the park and keep it off leash. Then when it ran up to people, I'd say, "It's okay! He's harmless!" And they'd be forced to uncomfortably smile and pretend they didn't hate my fucking guts for allowing my living weapon to shove its muzzle right in their crotch. Then if my living weapon ever did kill someone, I'll justify it by saying that my living weapon was always loving and had never harmed anybody ever so it must have sensed that the person it killed was a horrible person and probably the next Hitler. I'll blame the victim for all of my troubles and resent them for getting my living weapon euthanized. Afterward, maybe I'll start up some kind of cultural campaign trying to explain how living weapons aren't dangerous at all! I'll show pictures of a baby curled up with a living weapon and say, "See? That baby isn't dead! Living weapons are never dangerous!" I'll ignore the fact that a living weapon has a mind of its own and can go off for any reason and at any time simply because I love living weapons so much! And nobody will ever convince me that a person hurt by a living weapon wasn't asking for it or else why would the living weapon have hurt them, hunh? Answer that!

Superboy begins with a scene that's intensely insensitive to quadruple amputees and the decapitated.

As you can see, Aaron Kuder honed his writing chops on the elementary school playground. Next up, he'll place Parasite in various situations and wind up calling him Bob and Art as well as Matt. He'll probably follow all of that up with a rhyme about pee in Coke and a ditty about where milk, lemonade, and fudge come from. Then he'll finish up with a few facts about gross things and things that might be grosser than those already gross things.

Superboy has suddenly come into telepathic contact with the other Superboy. That Superboy was lost in time while destroying Krypton but apparently he's back in the Now of the DC Universe and being kept in a stasis pod by Harvest. It makes sense if you don't give a shit about anything that has happened to Superboy in The New 52 prior to Aaron Kuder taking the helm. I highly suggest not giving a shit about that past stuff because, so far, Aaron Kuder's work on Superboy has been the best of the series (aside from Justin Jordan's run that was cut short due to interference with a Lobdell story). Superboy hasn't really had a chance to be in a story that was just his story and contained within the pages of his comic book. Kuder is finally giving him that chance so I'm going to ignore all of the past history of this poor kid. For now, all I need to know is there are two versions of Superboy in the present due to time-shenanigans and they must merge with each other to survive.

Superboy and the New Newsboy Legion head off to save Kon-el who's being held in a N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility in the Arctic. Or the Antarctic. Or at the Harvest School for the Gifted in some desert in Africa or something. Fuck if I know! See what happens when I try to make sense of Superboy's past?! I'm instantly confused! So let me start over relying only on Aaron Kuder's work.

Superboy and the New Newsboy Legion head off north to Alaska to save Kon-el who's being held in a N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility. On the way there, Niti kisses him and then shows him her ass while making eye contact. That's like the universal sign for human presenting! Unless she's not making eye contact when she shows him her ass and looks back over her head. She might be looking to see if there is any movement in the crotch area since he's wearing that skin tight outfit.

I'm guessing there is a lot of movement in the crotch area.

In the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility currently being approached by the New Newsboy Legion, Rose Wilson, Hammersmith, and Leash are all thawed so they can defend the facility and keep Kon-el for themselves. Remember that thing I said about previous history not existing? I'm really resisting commenting on it right now! For all I know, this is the first appearance of Rose Wilson. And if you want to remain sane, you'd join me in my ignorance.

As Superboy and his friends arrive to battle some Ravagers, Aaron Kuder puts a few typos into the script in honor of Howard Mackie. It's really touching. I hope when DC unfreezes Howard Mackie because they're desperate for another writer to fill some quotas, they show him this homage to him. If I were Aaron Kuder, I would have also added about twenty extraneous punctuation marks as well as the typos.

And then there's the big fight scene. The fight scene is usually where I take a break from describing the action to talk about other things going on in my life. But nothing is going on in my life. So let's get back to the action!

If only Dave Sim were here to over-explain the injury to the eye motif!

I have to say, after seeing Superboy get his vile jelly stabbed out, I'm ready to petition Congress for another go at the Comic Book Code Authority! Ghastly! Just look at the eyeball flopping off into the distance! I can't believe teenagers are allowed to read this! Shouldn't they be studying and promising their purity to Jesus?

I don't really know much about Superboy's levels of invulnerability, so I'm just going to have to believe Rose has a sword that can easily enough lop out Superboy's eyeball. Plus Superboy's powers have been wonky from all the time travel and from battling parasite and from his genetic defect that is killing him, so it's easy enough to think this could happen to Superboy whereas it would never happen to Superman.

Superboy knocks out Rose and kills Hammersmith and Leash. Okay, maybe he doesn't kill them. But he does throw them on a trajectory that crashes them through a solid fortress's outer walls and off into space. Or maybe just miles away into the harsh environment of Alaska. So while he might not have killed them, he certainly didn't try to not kill them. Then again, if I were to remember Joke-el's pre-Kuder history, I might remember he's murdered plenty of people already so these two hardly count at all.

Superboy continues on to find Superboy on his own. When he finds him, he realizes it isn't Kon-el at all but an alternate version of himself. He reaches out to merge with himself and then everything explodes.

Or multiplies. Or something. "Malkovich Malkovich!" "Superboy! Super! Boy! Superboy!" "Pika pi!"

Superboy #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't help but rate this comic book on a curve. After all the confusing shit the character of Superboy has been put through, it's nice to see him star in a fucking story of his own. Even if he's still locked to the crappy baggage from the first two and a half years of The New 52. It looks like Aaron Kuder is going to put all of that history to rest and finish this comic book off with Superboy ready for a new start. Thank Christ. Seriously, thank you, Jesus Christ. This is a miracle that only you could have accomplished which is why I now accept you as my Lord and Saviour. With a "U"!

Superboy #30

Apparently this comic book has been so bad, DC has finally decided to go with no writer on it at all!

Actually, asshole, that caption was a joke. Actually me? I'll actually you! Go fuck your grandmum.

Sorry! Sorry! Jesus Christ, that's no way to begin a comic book review! Especially after I've decided, from here on out, to do normal comic book reviews that will rival the shitty comic book reviews being put out by places like Newsarama or Comic Vine. I'm going to get serious about a career as a comic book critic and begin kissing Marvel and DC's asses so that they'll use some of my blurbs on the advertisements for the trade paperbacks. I'm going to actually start mentioning the art in my reviews instead of just discussing the writing and my own bowel movements. Today is the first day of the rest of my life! Just like every other day except different somehow. I think it's more inspirational or something.

Here's my Professional Comic Book Review of Superboy #30 (even though I haven't read it yet. Does that matter?):

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a superhero? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to shoot web out of your wrists and swing about the city? Have you ever thought about flying high up in the sky and writing articles for a major metropolitan newspaper? Have you ever thought, 'Gee! I sure would like to be Batman's best friend and wear tights!'? Have you ever gotten back from war only to have to see your family gunned down by bad guys and decided to go around shooting people in the face? I know I have! Not the war part, of course, since I'm only ten! But that's why Superboy is such a good book to read! Because it is about a boy (like me!) who is also super (like a superhero!)!

"This comic book is very exciting because Aquaman is killed on the very first page! That made me sad because Aquaman is a good guy and he talks to fish and I love fish a lot! It also made me confused because Superboy is not called Villainboy although I guess if you are a super-villain you could also take the name Superboy. But that seems disingenuous. Mrs. Traforsky helped me with that word! She said that would be a good word and it was better than the word I wanted to use which was 'stupid.' Then she left a book called a thesaurus on the desk by me and winked. I later told the principal and she was reprimanded. I was going to say 'yelled at' but remembered that I should use my thesaurus!"

Normally this scene would make me happy. But nothing Superboy does makes me happy.

"The art in this comic book is pretty good because Aaron Kuder is writing and not drawing! Although the art kind of looks a little bit like Jorge Jimenez Moreno (I wish I had three names!) is trying to ape (cinnamon for 'copy'!) R.B. Silva's style. But that doesn't make any sense because if you were an artist and you wanted to copy somebody else's style, you would probably not choose R.B. Silva's style to copy. If I were to explain R.B. Silva's style of art to an alien, I would show them a picture of me and say, 'This is one of his characters!' Then I would show him another picture of me with a wig on and say, 'This is a different one of his characters!' Then the alien would give me a spaceship and we would be friends.

"I should tell you the story of Superboy so you don't have to read it yourself. Once upon a time there was a boy that was born with a purpose so he already had a head start on most people that never find their own purpose. But he didn't like his purpose because it was to be a living weapon and he was all, 'Nuh unh! No way!' So he made some friends and traveled in time and then traveled in time some more and then forgot to travel in time this one time, so he died. But then he was replaced by a different Superboy from a different time because the reader of the story is supposed to believe that, across lots of timelines, the one the reader is being forced to focus on is the most important one of them all. I suppose that's true since the reader doesn't have any choice. The different Superboy is a bad boy and wants to kill everything. He also traveled through time a few times but he always remembered to travel in time so he never died. Now he is in New York and ready to kill Aquaman for realsies."

This is an accurate representation of a New Yorker.

"I ate a banana for breakfast and now I feel sick. I hope I don't have Monkey AIDS. Whenever kids in my school get sick, we always hope we don't have AIDS. My teacher, Mrs. Traforsky, says that we shouldn't say that because there was a time when AIDS almost wiped out everybody. But when we asked her how a person gets sick with AIDS, she wouldn't tell us. That's why we're always worried that we have it!

"The New Yorkers are afraid of Superboy because they think he might be as dangerous as Superman. I don't know why they are saying that because Superman is not dangerous at all. He is a nice guy and he saves people and their pets all of the time. I guess the people of New York don't know any better because they are also afraid of the police and the police are good guys too!

"At one point, Superboy gets a bloody nose and yells, 'Oh no! I'm dying of AIDS!' But then some guy called The Golden Surfer comes along and says, 'You shouldn't say that. I am an adult and I know better. You are probably not dying at all, so you should stop complaining and just get back to doing your homework.'"

The New 52 could really use the Newsboy Legion to save it!

"Superboy is captured by The Guardian! Will he be harmed by him? Will he be helped by him? What will happen? If you want to find out, you should pick up this book at your local library!"

"Umm. I'm back! I guess I didn't fulfill my page quota and was given my assignment back to fill a few more paragraphs. Umm. Superboy winds up getting medical treatment for his Time Travel AIDS because The Golden Guardian Surfer has a secret fort filled with people that are really good at curing things like Space AIDS and Time Travel AIDS and the flu."

Why is it that somebody always wants to fuck Superboy?

"The New Newsboy Legion now know all about Superboy. They know he isn't the regular Superboy. They know he's part human and part alien. They know he's having bad dreams. They know he's probably a time traveler. They know lots of stuff that scientists can figure out in a lab if they find you on the street with a nosebleed. The oldest New Newsboy Legion member, Harold, notices that Superboy's serotonin levels are out of whack. I looked that word up and it seems like if you do a lot of the love drug, your serotonin levels can get out of whack. But Harold believes that drugs are not the problem with Superboy because it's more likely time travel. That seems like a reasonable assumption! I bet Harold's kids used to come home all the time smelling like alcohol and sex parties. He'd be all, 'Where have you been, young people?' And they were all, 'Oh crapola! We've been, uh, time traveling, daddy!' And he'd be all, 'Well, I hope you didn't cause any temporal paradoxes! Now get some sleep.'"

And this is how Superboy discovered the meaning of friendship!

"Superboy begins to think that maybe he doesn't have to be a super villain if good people are going to constantly give him everything he needs anyway. So he decides to live with the New Newsboy Legion for awhile since they are providing free meals and free shelter and free medical. But he is still haunted by his past! If you think you would like to read a book about a bad guy that might stop being a bad guy and decide to become a replica of the good guy whose position he has taken over, you should read this comic book like I am doing! It is really exciting and filled with fun things like muscular guys without shirts and cute women drooling over them! It is possible that a future issue will reveal some of the mysteries of sex to the readers! Thanks for reading!"

Whoops! That was my Reading Rainbow Review and not my Professional Comic Book Review. Whatever. This was much better.

Superboy #30 Rating: +5 Ranking. Holy fuck! A well done Superboy comic book! I think I just shit my shorts. If you want to know the reason why this book was so much better than the other Superboy books, I can tell you! It's because I met Aaron Kuder and infused him with a bit of my local reality field. So he's a bit more real than everybody else in the universe.