The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #5

I'm totally up for some of this nuclear fusion.

I hope that the cover isn't Captain Atom and Captain Atom's son or else I'm going to be even more turned on than I already am.

The issue begins by the media giving Max Thrane a super villain name: Ultramax! Fuck! How did I not guess that? It was just sitting there all stupid and obvious and I didn't even bother to pick it up. To be fair, I've been pretty cautious about the things I pick up lately after the slugs on the dog shit caked in vomit incident.

This issue is called "Quantu Mechanic" which is either the dumbest name since Ultramax or I'm being too literal in the way the graphic designer smooshed the words of the title together. It's probably the first one.

Before Captain Atom beats Ultramax in a battle that just looks like two oiled up porn stars under a spotlight trying to outfuck each other, he decides to find his son, Genji.

Don't do it, Tess! You can resist! You don't have to drop everything you're doing to go play Overwatch simply because you were reminded of it! You can finish reading this comic book first. Think about this, Tess: after you finish this "review," you'll be completely caught up for the first time in so long I can't even remember! Oh, sure, I still have fourteen comic books in the stack. But they're fourteen comic books I purchased just today!

Okay, Tess! You've sold me! Besides, I can probably play Overwatch all day and night tomorrow. Unless the mechanic doesn't call back with good news about my work vehicle. At that point, I might be spending the rest of the week shopping for a new work vehicle and stressing out over my business and hating everything.

Here's a handy chart of the stress I can handle in life (in equal units of stress called Fuckingshitballs):

0 Fuckingshitballs: I can take on the world, motherfucker!
1 Fuckingshitball: Why was I even born?!
2 Fuckingshitballs: Oh my god it's gotten worse? How is that even possible?!
3 Fuckingshitballs: I curse the day my father's penis ever entered my mother's vagina for I never asked for this burden called life!
4 Fuckingshitballs: Who do I see about ending this ride?
5 Fuckingshitballs: Is there even anybody in the world who can handle this much stress? Are they stupid?

To get a good idea of how much stress it takes to get me to 5 Fuckingshitballs, here's a handy chart of how many Fuckingshitballs different things equal.

Having anything at all that I have to do coming up on the calendar: 5 Fuckingshitballs.
Talking on the phone with somebody I don't know: 5 Fuckingshitballs.
Realizing a clerk I see often mysteriously has learned things about me through the barest of interactions: 5 Fuckingshitballs.
Having to deal with a work vehicle's failing electrical system which could potentially lead to having to search for a used car to replace it which means interacting with a whole bunch of people I didn't expect to be in my life and then having to deal with the bureaucratic nonsense of registering it and then getting it outfitted for my business and just, in general, having to do a whole bunch of stuff outside of my normal routine or else my adult life is going to fall apart completely and I might as well be dead at this point because it would be so much easier and relaxing: 5 Fuckingshitballs.

As you can see, my scale only goes up to 5 Fuckingshitballs. Also, my chart probably would have been easier if I just stated "having to do anything outside of my normal routine which takes me outside of my house" equals all the Fuckingshitballs all the time. Ultramax begins going on a murder spree of people who once used his services to assassinate somebody. Since Captain Atom failed to connect with his kid, I suppose he'll have more time to stop Ultramax.

But first, as he's dropping off Genji, he's got to deal with a thing that could be anything, like maybe a toaster or a cigarette case!

Fucking stupid comic book bullshit. "How are we going to get Captain Atom to realize the military has been spying on his son?" This is the answer they come up with? A random glinting light in a window across the street? What kind of superhero rushes off to save the world from every glint of light they see out of the corner of their eyes?

Oh, today while having lunch at the St. Johns McMenamins, I overheard two old hippies talking. You're probably picturing them exactly just from the phrase "old hippies" because that's the perfect way to describe them. Both had long, scraggly gray hair cascading off balding heads and they were both wearing Grateful Dead tie dye t-shirts. I wasn't listening because I found myself thinking, "I bet I could glean some important wisdom from these two burnouts!" No, I began listening when I heard the first one say, "I could feel a really strong breeze through the larger glory hole." He then referenced a smaller glory hole that needed some work as well. Is there another usage of the term "glory hole" that I'm not familiar with? If not, these two old guys were talking about fixing up the booths in their sex shop.

Captain Atom isn't pleased with the surveillance of his son so he rushes off to confront General Eiling. While he's yelling at him, Ultramax stops by to battle. Or fuck?

Gross! Their colliding streams knocked them into the Slash Fiction Quantum Field! Now things are really going to get dicky!

Captain Atom wins the fight although is it really winning if you just shove the guy out of a portal and into who the fuck knows where? That seems more like helping him escape. Anyway, there's still one more issue so I guess they'll finish battling there. After that, Captain Atom can go do the one thing he knows he shouldn't do but won't be able to stop himself from doing: revealing his true identity to Genji. Then Genji can be all, "You're no my father!" And bam! Just like that, he'll be a DC Superhero!

The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #4

Can we call a moratorium on using The Vitruvian Man as the basis for comic book covers?

If the basis for this cover wasn't Vitruvian Man and was instead some kind of nod toward the endless cycle of the Hindu universe, I apologize. I'm only suggesting it might be that because of the six arms thing. Now I wish Jesus had had six arms. I bet they would have gone with a different method of execution. Happy Easter!

I hate when I'm eating chocolate covered graham crackers and I wipe my lips with a napkin and it looks like I just wiped my ass with it. I also hate when the same thing happens after rimming someone.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm excited to read this comic book. I say that because sometimes I pretend to be excited about things I'm not excited about. It helps me get through the day without becoming an adult who throws a tantrum. Unless it's one of those days when I'm pretending to be excited about throwing a tantrum in Starbucks. That's an entirely different story.

I hope this series ends with Captain Atom encountering Doctor Manhattan on Mars. No wait! I hope it ends just after that when they're fucking.

I should probably point out that this is an adult rated commentary! Maybe I don't need to add that warning. How many kids actually read things on the web? There's video in them thar hills! (The video is the gold and the hills are the Internet!)

Captain Atom has been told by the military to go on television and tell the public that he's not a tool of the military. He also demonstrates that he's the opposite of the terrible Captain Atom everybody remembers from J.T. Krul's run at the beginning of The New 52. Instead of leaking radiation everywhere and being a danger to everybody, he absorbs radiation and is friend to all animals! Hooray!

"I can't put my finger on why it looks like they're both pondering the situation?" I think as I stroke my chin and ponder the situation.

Captain Atom, in his civilian identity of Cameron Scott, has hired a detective to find his son. She has a robot leg so wounded vets have a character with which to identify. This turns out to intersect with one of my hobbyhorses:

Close-up shots of women's legs while wearing skirts!

Captain Atom's first mission as a government tool is to figure out why a man being put to death who was hit by one of Captain Atom's Quantum Tantrum Blasts has remained in a stasis field for five years. His name is Max Thrane and I bet he winds up taking some kind of stupid super villain name like Max Power!

A STAR Labs scientist is on the scene to explain how they know the things they know about the "Temporal Warp Bubble." See, they know time is stopped inside the bubble because Max Thrane hasn't grown any facial hair! But even though time has stopped, his heart is still beating, though slowed down exponentially. Yes, he said exponentially. I have doubts he means it in the literal sense. He probably just means "slowed down a lot!" Which means maybe he should have said it's slowed down logarithmically? I'm beginning to doubt this scientist's scientific credentials. You can't just say he's from STAR Labs and get me to buy into his nonsense!

Max Thrane manages to absorb a bunch of Captain Atom's power and escape his Temporal Warp Bubble. He also escapes the prison. What he most likely doesn't escape is the plot to this comic book. I'm sure Captain Atom will hunt him down and defeat him in the rematch.

Captain Atom's detective tracks down Captain Atom's kid and his name is Genji. Which reminds me it's time to play Overwatch! Goodbye!

The Ranking!
No change! Captain Atom may have had trouble tracking down Genji but Dr. Megala has been keeping an eye on him and experimenting on him in secret for years. So far, he hasn't shown any signs of being a superhero. But I'm sure that will change when his dad tries to hug him and he's all, "Where were you when I was growing up?! DADDY ISSUES!" Then his Quantum Pilot Light will flare up and he'll be Captain Atom Kid!

The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #3

Tragedy! I don't mean the death of Captain Atom's wife. I mean the shape his ass is in.

• Captain Atom has returned to the year 2017. He'll probably meet his seventeen year old son this issue. Luckily he can't create a time paradox by accidentally causing his son to fall in love with him because this is the present. Time paradoxes can only happen in the past, for some reason.

• This issue is called "Back to the Future." I feel like Cary Bates may have ripped off that title from somewhere.

• Dr. Megala has been waiting for Captain Atom to return. He's been pining away in his wheelchair, slowly falling apart. Although the guy talking to Captain Atom through the drone doesn't look like a decrepit old man at all. Maybe that's because Captain Atom left The New 52 universe and arrived back in the Rebirth Universe. That should explain everything.

• Captain Atom discovers his wife died seven years ago. I probably didn't have to mention that since it's right there on the cover.

• The most important thing to change since Captain Atom returned is that he can transform himself into a normal person. That's always a plus when you're a superhero. It's tough writing a character who can't look human. Or one that doesn't look human and can't talk! Remember Skitters from Teen Titans? She sure didn't last long! When she was normal, she couldn't do anything. But then to become interesting and transform into Skitters, she had to spin a cocoon which took like a whole day. When she emerged, she was now a superhero but she couldn't communicate and was super gross and nobody gave a shit about her. What a terrible character.

• Dr. Megala and General Eiling test out Captain Atom's new powers and discover he's the most powerful hero to ever grace the DC Universe. I think. He's offered a job working with the government but turns it down. But since the offer wasn't really an offer and more like one of those "Do it or we'll ruin your life" things, Captain Atom will probably change his mind. Especially when he discovers he has a seventeen year old son. That's reason enough to not have his life ruined, I guess. I'd rather go to jail for three counts of manslaughter than have to pretend I'm interested in some seventeen year old stranger who just happens to share my DNA.

The Ranking!
No change! It's kind of boring but I expected that from a Captain Atom comic book.

The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #2

"I've got it!" screams the mistaken artist believing he's come up with a dramatic comic book cover.

Imagine, if you will (because it's not hard. Just fucking go along with this. Stop being so stubborn), driving through the American Southwest in the 1950s. You've got the top down in your huge steel car that steers like a child's spring-loaded rocking horse and is painted the colors of a football team that hasn't won a homecoming in twenty years and whose mascot is a fish nobody has ever heard of. Don't try too hard to figure out what that reference might be because it isn't a reference. It's just a colorful turn of phrase to get your imagination going but in a way that isn't directing it too narrowly. You're free to imagine your own world, baby!

Dammit. Stop interrupting. Now I need to start again.

Imagine, if you will, driving through the American Southwest in the 1950s with that car and stuff. The stifling wind blows back your hair and tastes slightly of electricity and cancer. You've passed through half a dozen small two gas pump towns where old fellas greet you at the pump and their wives greet you inside at the register. Too many stray dogs to count have sniffed at the cuffs of your pants or the hem of your long skirt, depending on what you've decided to be wearing in the fantasy. Maybe you're naked. What do I care?

Are you still imagining? Okay good! You're getting a bit weary from the road (unless you're just dizzy from the radiation in the atmosphere) and you see a town up ahead in the distance. It'll probably have a small motel where you can unwind by masturbating frantically in the shower as you wash the dirt of the road and the gamma rays of the air from your tangled hair. But what you don't know is that this town hides a secret. You might be too self-involved when you arrive to notice how it's different from other communities. Like antelope at a watering hole, the residents glance furtively about them without even realizing they're doing it. They're kinder than the people you've met previously who have been far kinder than the people you left behind in the big city you're imagining you came from. If you imagined you're from a smaller place, fix that! That's a part of the fantasy that you don't get to control, jerko!

You pull into the motel parking lot (The Setting Sun Inn) and laugh audibly. Not the kind of laugh you'd emit upon hearing a neighbor's anecdote about somebody at work making a huge fool of themselves but a kind of relieved chuckle. So many motels along this stretch have entered the atomic age by cutely referencing the testing of nuclear weapons that it's a slight comfort to be staying in one that decided to keep the old fashioned charm of a name that represents the end of a long, weary day and the promise of a restful night's sleep. Of course you only feel that way because you don't yet know this town's secret.

Perhaps you get lucky and your rest is fulfilling and peaceful. You wake, masturbate again, grab a quick breakfast at the diner across the parking lot (Also The Setting Sun but a Diner instead of an Inn. You might remember later how you thought it should be The Rising Sun Diner as you strode across the already too hot asphalt on your way to grab some hash browns and gravy), and drive out of town without ever learning why the town was different from any other town you've driven through on your journey. You eventually make it to wherever you were headed for whatever reasons spurred you on to that destiny. Hope for a better life on the West Coast? A chance at romance? Running from the bodies you buried in the crawl space under your neighbor's house. Who knows! None of that is pertinent to this fantasy.

But in the end, you aren't lucky. Because if you were lucky, I would end this fantasy and you would be sitting there thinking, "What the fuck was the secret?! The secret, goddammit! What was it?! You can't end your story like that!" So even though the secret might not be pleasant and most likely will end in the death of the main character (which is you, remember), you can't bear to not know it. You would sacrifice the safety and happiness of your alternate timeline self simply to satiate your curiosity. What a fucking bastard.

So instead of having a restful sleep, the clerk at the front desk grabs your wrist as she hands you the key to your room. She still smiles at you but there's an urgency in her grasp and you feel her desperate need to articulate something to this stranger who thinks they're just passing through. And, again, you might be one of those. But the clerk feels she can't take that chance. She's been complicit in the death of too many strangers who weren't let in on the town's secret. Her fingernails begin to dig into your wrist and you pull back, maybe a bit too frantically. She's caught you by surprise and your heart rate skyrockets. For the first time since you've entered this town, somebody's smile falters. Her lips tremble and her eyes go glassy and distant. "Don't stay," she croaks in a voice straining to not break into a sob. You almost bolt out of the front office but that curiosity that resides in your actual chest also lives in the chest of your alternate persona in this story. You have to know. What's going on. Why should you leave? So you ask.

"Why?"

But before the clerk (Ms. Waverly. Her name was Ms. Waverly. The black and gold nameplate near the little bell read Ms. Waverly) can answer, the air around her shimmers. You hear a muffled roar that seems to echo down from above as if you were at the bottom of a deep canyon and somebody was yelling from the top of the cliff's edge. The air around Ms. Waverly streaks red and black and shimmers like the air over a desert road. A blast of warm air punches your hair back and stings your face. It only takes a second or two but in the end, Ms. Waverly is gone. The shock of the incident keeps you from noticing, at least for a few seconds, an intense pain in your right foot. You were standing back on your left heel and your right foot was still stretched out ahead of you, where you were standing when Ms. Waverly grabbed your wrist. You look down and notice blood gushing out of the front of your shoe. Not the front, exactly, but what is now the front after having lost about an inch of the toe. Your big toe has been sheered in half, and maybe the tips of several others. If you hadn't fallen back violently when Ms. Waverly grabbed you, what happened to your right foot might have happened to the rest of your body.

You stumble out the door away from the incomprehensibility of whatever the hell that was. You run, limping heavily, toward the diner across the parking lot where two old men sit smoking on a bench outside. Their eyes open wide with fear as you stumble toward them and they do that thing you noticed earlier...that bit where they glance back and forth quickly and tense up, like rabbits having seen the shadow of a hawk. They know you've seen it. Their secret. You don't yet understand it and maybe that's a good thing. But, once again, you have to know. What just happened in front of your eyes? What took your big toe?

"Ms. Waverly!" you stammer. "She just...she...she's gone!" One old man stands up and puts an arm on your shoulder.

"Come on, kid," he says, possibly saying son or daughter, depending on your vision of yourself and how you present yourself to the world. "Take a seat. You're still here, by God. You'll be okay." You slump onto the bench next to the other old timer who nervously chews on the end of an unlit cigar.

"A mighty shame," he states, unemotionally and with a voice like irradiated gravel blown across the potholed asphalt of a long Southwest road. Your breaths come hard and fast and you feel like passing out. The first man, the one who stood at your approach, kneels down in front of you and begins removing your shoe. He pulls a handkerchief out of his back pocket and wraps it around your bleeding foot. The other man pats your knee and gently takes your hand in his surprisingly smooth grip.

You win the fight to stay conscious because you have to ask: "What was it? What did I see?" The old man tending to your foot looks up at you, makes eye contact, then looks over at his friend. You glance over at his friend and see him biting his lower lip, the cigar now in his free hand. He begins to speak in that voice which reminds you of a motorcycle throttling low.

"Imagine, if you will, an ocean. In that ocean float millions and millions of plankton. What they know, who can say? They're just little creatures and their entire world is simply drifting en masse towards whatever destiny has in store for them. For what is an inconceivably small fraction of them, being that whales are so large and eat so many at a time, death awaits. There one moment. Peaceful, tranquil...or whatever the feeling of just being is to a goddamned plankton. And just gone the next. Imperceptible to the others, really. The whale is on a scale so large that the plankton, if they were sentient, couldn't articulate what was happening. They couldn't know the scale of the world they lived in. Imagine only knowing a world of plankton. And imagine you're the plankton at the top of the plankton food chain. What do you have to fear? You eat them little veggie bastards getting their energy from the sun. You have nothing to fear. Except...there's this thing that happens. This thing where your mates just up and disappear for no reason at all. Just huge swaths of them...gone."

Your foot is throbbing but your heart has stopped racing. The old man's story has distracted you from the terrible sight you saw earlier, even as his story offers a vague kind of explanation for what you saw. He's telling you the town's secret the only way he knows how. By parable. Because what you've quickly understood from the story is that the people of the town are not, like they thought, at the top of the food chain yet have no concept of what terrible whale engulfs them one at a time. The only evidence? The occasional organic matter that comes slightly too close to the feeding but not close enough to be consumed.

These men have obviously told this story before. They recognize the moment you understand what they're saying, and they grow quiet. You want to know why they don't leave. You want to know how they have survived to the age they are. You want to know how they live with this terrible knowledge that their lives aren't in any way under their own control. But what you don't want to know is the real secret they have yet to tell you. It's the secret they keep to themselves, and it's the secret they won't pass on to you as you race out of town in the middle of the night. Why burden a stranger passing through with the truth, one of them will say to the other long after you've fled. Why let them know that this creature...these creatures, for surely the laws of nature work the same on whatever plane this predator exists...doesn't merely hunt in this one small irradiated town in the American Southwest. They feed across the world.

The old man with the cigar pulls another from his shirt pocket as he watches the dust roil around your car as you back out of the parking lot across the way. He hands it to his friend and they light their cigars together as they watch your taillights disappear down the perfectly straight highway that connects their little town to the rest of the world. They inhale deeply and, as they do, they shift their glances quickly to the right and to the left, unconsciously, and constantly, keeping an eye out for something they'll almost certainly never see coming.

The Review!
• This issue is called "Past Imperfect" and can I get a fucking memo passed around every comic book office across the world that reads: "NO MORE FUCKING VERB TENSE PUN TITLES!" How many fucking stories are there now called "Past Imperfect" or "Present Perfect" or "Past Perfect Continuous." Okay, that last one doesn't really work. But enough already!

• Captain Atom went back in time to 1994 last issue. This issue begins in 1997 so I guess Zero Year wasn't a big deal. Especially considering there were no superheroes. Yes, Captain Atom points out that in 1997, there are no superheroes. So now that's fucking continuity. Have fun fucking that one up, future writers who wind up mentioning somebody doing superheroics twenty years in the past! I mean, Superboy must have been around doing some shit, right?

• Captain Atom is 27 years old in 1997. So I guess he's going to be doing some more time travel soon since there's no way DC Comics is going to have a forty-seven year old hero in the current DC Universe. Hopefully Captain Atom will still fuck things up so badly that the DC Universe's old continuities will somehow fold over onto the current one and they'll all, somehow, coexist.

• Captain Atom goes about his life, dating and working and pretending to write science fiction so he can learn about time travel from professors of physics who only have speculative and theoretical ideas on how it works and so can't really help him out. Not that he really wants help. He just wants somebody to basically say, "You know what? It's okay to enjoy yourself without fear of fucking up the future. You deserve it, man!"

• In the year 2000, Captain Atom's wife Takara becomes pregnant. Okay. So that would make a seventeen year old new Captain Atom. Got it! I can probably wrap up the review on this entire series now, right?

• On his way home from being tested, Captain Atom is shot by some carjackers. The bullets force his body to go critical (since he still has quantum traces of his powers inside him or some other technobabble bullshit). And since Captain Atom never existed in the year 2000, he's sent back through time! He winds up back in 2017. I think. There are clouds over his head that read, "Give to 2017 super hero fund." So, you know, I guess that's a clue?

The Ranking!
No change! Next issue, Captain Atom probably meets his son! I hope they don't have sex. That would probably cause a time paradox.

The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #1

I know why he fell. He was written by J.T. Krul.

Captain Atom is a really clever character because his secret alias is Captain Adam. He is also subversive because he's become a caricature of Doctor Manhattan who was a caricature of Captain Adam. I don't know why that makes him subversive but it sounds like it probably does and by saying it, it sounds like I know things that I really don't fucking know. It's better to write vague things that hint at hidden depths than to try to write long explanations of things you hardly understand. That's tantamount to dumping a whole load of chum in the ocean to bring sharks to your boat. Except the ocean in this instance is the Internet and the sharks are the Actually Nerd Trolls. Boy how I hate those guys. Nobody ruins a good joke like an Internet Actuallyier!

I don't remember when we last saw Captain Atom. Probably in Convergence or Futures End but those don't count. He may also have made a cameo in Firestorm or some other comic book that treats nuclear men farting radiation across the city as normal and nothing to be afraid of. But I think, in regards to this story, the important last time we saw Captain Atom was probably in the last issue of the J.T. Krul series which went about five issues too long (most of those issues were at the beginning of the series. What I'm saying is that Krul began the story in entirely the wrong place). In that issue, I believe Captain Atom had decided to go live on Mars like another character that he was based on who was based on him. You know the one! The one that, along with his friend Ozymandias, is fucking with the Rebirth Universe.

Before I begin reading this book, I'd like to be transparent about my bias of Captain Atom. I don't have a specific problem with his character (except that he's military and, thus, lacks any sort of whimsy that doesn't involve calling your friends gay retards with whores for mothers). I have a problem with his usual cast of characters. Why does he always have to be at odds with General Eiling? That guy isn't a super villain at all! He's just a regular villain. And Doctor Megala?! He's just a pathetic old Daddy Issue in a wheelchair. I really wish Captain Atom would kill them both so he could find a proper nemesis, maybe Captain Atomess! She's be super hot and horny and constantly be making fusion innuendos.

The issue begins at the end of 2012. Captain Atom isn't hidden away on Mars but he has been contained by Dr. Megala deep underground. Captain Atom decides he's too dangerous to live and meltsdown. But that's probably not the end of his story because I'm only on page four of the first issue of a six issue series. Hopefully he'll simply time travel to 2016 and become the new Jonni DC, continuity cop. But instead of making sure everything is in continuity and fixing the shit that isn't, he should just go around saying, "Who cares. Don't care. That's continuity now even if it makes no sense. Yep, that's continuity too. And that. And that. It's all canon, bitches!"

After Captain Atom blows, the narrative moves to twenty-three minutes earlier instead of four years later. Dammit! Is this Captain Atom story going to start in the wrong place as well?! Writers need to stop thinking they need to explain every single little thing and just let the story get to the interesting bits. Not knowing the whole story is always better than knowing the whole story. Nobody needs Star Wars Episodes I-III! We're better off imagining that shit!

Oh, he was on the moon. That's super different than going to Mars. Totally not like that other guy.

Captain Atom is out flying around irradiating everything when he comes upon a cruise ship being swamped by a giant wave. He decides to intervene so that now the people on board don't just have to worry about drowning, they have to worry about cancer as well. What a huge dick. I mean, he keeps the boat from sinking but only due to a huge burst of radiation which changes the water around the boat into gelatin.

Oh, fuck you, random nobody boat person with opinions.

Well, I'm convinced! Those passengers on the cruise ship must know what they're talking about since they're people and they're talking which means they're, like, influential and shit. I mean, I do hate when people talk shit about Batman and Superman when they're only trying to help. Am I, in a way, one of those people? I don't talk shit about Batman and Superman though. I just talk shit about D-list superheroes who have never been able to rise in popularity even when they had a huge starring role in Zero Hour.

Captain Atom's rescue of the ship has sent his body into spasms of nuclear explosions and is about to endanger all life on Earth. But being on the moon was so lonely!

Captain Atom's "flare-ups," as they're being called by Eiling and Megala for insurance reasons, attract the attention of Superman, Cyborg, and Hal Jordan. Remember, this is 2012! So Hal Jordan is still a stubborn piece of shit ready to fight anything with fists Green Lantern. And Superman is still New 52 Superman. And Cyborg is still boring.

Dr. Megala explains to the Justice League that Captain Atom isn't the dangerous threat they think he is; he's actually a lot worse. And he says it right in front of Captain Atom. No wonder Captain Atom kills himself at the beginning of this comic book.

The Justice League decide to escort Captain Atom back to Megala's Suppression Dome but don't make it back in time. Another way to look at it is that they brought Captain Atom over a populated area just in time to destroy most of the city when he blows up. I suppose they save everybody by blocking the individual rays shot out of Captain Atom as if he were a grenade throwing shrapnel instead of a seamless burst of deadly energy that would have been impossible to stop. Or at least harder to depict being stopped by Cyborg's White Noise Cannon in a visual way.

The narrative finally catches up to the point where Captain Atom tried to kill himself. But instead of dying in an atomic blast, he's shot through time back to 1994. Oh no. Am I going to have to relive Zero Hour all over again?!

The Ranking!
Once again, a Captain Atom comic book has begun at the wrong place in the story. There is too much prologue here. I suppose it's one way to flesh out a six issue miniseries seeing as how six issues is always about two issues more than the story needs. But even though I'm not a fan of Captain Atom and this story was relatively mundane and probably unnecessary, I'm interested to see what they do with Captain Atom going back to the Zero Hour year. Will he fix continuity so that I can just resume pretending every story I've ever read from DC actually matters to the current universe? Not that I don't already think that anyway. I just wish DC Comics would put out a press release that just says, "Fuck it! We screwed up multiple times since 1985. Just forget all that shit about certain stories not having occurred. They all happened and every character remembers every story whenever the current writer needs them to remember it!" I think Captain Atom could be that press release!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1

Whoopee! I don't have to go two months without Scott Lobdell!

I have never before read a Dan Garrett Blue Beetle comic book (unless I read one in one of those Secret Origins comics DC likes to publish every few years) but I guarantee that this will be the worst one I'll ever read in my life! That's a fact!

No, no! I shouldn't allow Lobdell's previous New 52 train wrecks on the Teen Titans and Superman and Red Hood to bias my reading of this comic book. The whole point of Convergence is to give us all a chance to start over with a slate already muddied and fucked-up by old DC continuity! And I, for one, will not spoil my chance to be reborn! This is Scott Lobdell's day to shine! This is the day that I will laugh at his stupid fucking jokes! I will marvel at his meta-textual use of the word "meta-textual!" I will not read this while constantly thinking, "This is not a Blue Beetle story. This is a story of a protagonist that can be switched with any other hero in the DC Universe and still work! If by 'work' I mean 'not really make a whole lot of sense but is still kind of story-shaped.'"

This issue takes place on Earth-4 in Hub City! And their opponents? The Legion of Super-heroes from 31st Century Metropolis! Is that why Lobdell got the gig? Because he'll be writing teenagers? Who in the comic book field still thinks Scott Lobdell is good at writing teenagers? I think the only people that buy into his teenage characters are below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! No offense, below average intelligence thirteen year old boys!

If there is one demographic that needs more putting down, it's below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! Stop showing your dick to your classmates and read the fucking text book, kid! I get it! School is bullshit! What an observation! Guess what else is bullshit? Your future! Har!

I hope no below average intelligence thirteen year old boys figure out where I live because they can probably beat the crap out of me.

That one in green and yellow stripes isn't a man! I bet they're not all mad either!

Vic Sage doesn't ask one question during his report. I bet since the dome fell, he hasn't been able to ask a single question! He finally stopped ruining every dinner by shouting, "Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?!"

The Madmen have decided to reenact Les Miserables right in the middle of the street and the national guard is not happy about it. Their rendition of "A Little Fall of Rain" was toneless and lacked any sense of heartbreak. "Master of the House" seemed to be played just to emphasize the swearing and the dirty bits. "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" was upbeat and set to a ragtime tune! It was just a complete travesty and the city just wasn't going to stand it any longer. If only The Question could have reprised his role as Jean Valjean but, alas, his ability to ask that one pertinent question went out with the dome.

The Madmen find the critique harsh and disrespectful, leaving them only one choice.

Maybe the national guard would prefer Godspell?

Nathaniel Adam was the guy who yelled fire. You probably know him better as Captain Atom. Get it? His name is Adam and he's a captain! Vic Sage is the Question and he's a reporter with lots and lots of questions he wants answered! And they're both friends with Ted Kord who is the Blue Beetle. I'm surprised Ted Kord gets to be the Blue Beetle but since I really don't know the history of the Charlton Comics, I probably shouldn't be surprised by anything I read. Or everything, actually! One of those. What I'm trying to say is I'm completely ignorant!

Ted Kord has been busy building, according to his assistant Tracy, "another big expensive nothing-burger." That's snappy clever dialogue that will catch on with all the kids! Unless it already caught on with the kids? Is that something the kids say? Or is that something Scott Lobdell thinks the kids say? I wouldn't know because I say things that come out of my own brain instead of totes using things everybody is already saying. I mean, I can't even. You know what I mean, guys?

This is typical Scott Lobdell dialogue. He thinks he's being clever by twisting an old saying but he just winds up writing dialogue that doesn't make sense. So visionary people do the same thing over and over again and expect different results? Sounds about wrong.

Nat Adams pays Ted Kord a visit. Luckily Kord works on his machines with the news broadcasting on a television in his work space so he can point at the news reporter saying "Massacre at the Barricade!" at just the right moment.

Ted: "You're murdering people, you murderer!"
Nat: "I'm keeping the peace through murder! The people want murder! I mean peace! Via murder!"
Ted: "I'm trying to save everybody from the dome!"
Nat: "I'm saving them with murder!"
Tracy: "You guys need to hug and make up! No amount of murders should ruin a friendship!"

Ted and Nat make up because Ted wants to shoot his laser and Nat wants to feel regret for the murders he committed but that would probably take too many pages so he spends one panel remembering them and then everybody moves past the fact that he murdered a bunch of unhappy poor people.

Ted blasts the dome with a laser and Captain Atom gets his powers back! And his ridiculous fucking costume. Can I blame that on Scott Lobdell too? Please?!

What the fuck, you asshole? You couldn't fly through the big fucking hole in the roof that you just saw the lights through?! I'm more angry at this vandalism than the murders!

The light is being caused by Dr. Spectro because he got his powers back as well.

Let me tell you a little something about Scott Lobdell: he doesn't understand rules. Maybe he couldn't come up with a story that didn't revolve around the superpowered Charlton characters so he came up with this cheat about Ted Kord cracking the dome. Then he probably whined and moaned that it's actually a good character moment because out of all the characters in the DC Universe, which one of them would have the ability to crack the dome even slightly? I mean besides all the ones you'd think of before Ted Kord. Get to Ted Kord already and agree with Scott. But this isn't the only proof of Lobdell not being able to play the game that editorial sets up. Remember Flashpoint? Remember how there was no time travel? Remember who brought fucking Harvest in from the future via time travel? Yep! Scott Lobdell! I think. Maybe it was DeFalco.

Anyway, now the dome is up but a bunch of people with super powers are flying around the city.

Fuck, I hate myself. Now I'm tempted to go back and delete my previous lines about being surprised.

This next panel is a real doozy!

This is one of those stupid jokes he would have wedged into any of his comic books.

First, this comic book should be taking place in a time when the phrase "honest injun" probably wasn't a big deal. Second, Nathaniel Adam is a military man and would hardly care about correcting a villain using an insulting term. Third, Nathaniel Adam was just responsible for murdering a dozen poor people in the streets of Hub City so it seems a little hypocritical to be correcting somebody's use of an offensive phrases.

As Cap and Doc bicker about niceties, some Booster Gold motherfucker appears and asks where he might be. My guess is that it really is Booster Gold because his penis needs to have a good time with Blue Beetle's puckered ass. He must have come from an alternate future reality because remember how Scott Lobdell doesn't remember how those things work and how this dome is out of space and time?

I hope whoever is writing the Booster Gold book isn't somebody whose writing I like because I'm probably going to hate that book too if it's crossing over with this one.

Booster Gold disappears and everybody loses their powers. So maybe Blue Beetle's machine did something other than crack the dome. And whatever it did probably makes sense in a way that will make me feel like an asshole for picking apart the story.

No, it won't. I'll be fine.

Telos arrives and tells everybody about that battling deal. Cap gets his power back and Doctor Spectro probably would get his back if he hadn't shattered every bone in his body falling from the sky when he lost his powers earlier. The Question arrives and they all pack into the Beetle's Bug as the dome disappears. Next issue, more shitty writing! Also a battle against the Legion of Super-heroes!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1 Rating: Suckity suck. Some people might be charmed by dialogue like "I suspect Telos is an unreliable narrator" or "I accomplished nothing--nothing!" or "the last thing we need right now is your transcendental nihilistic dime store crap" or "why would I possibly care about offending anyone?" or "this is frustrating." But I see it as Scott Lobdell sprinkling his story with unconscious moments where he's openly talking about his own writing. Poor guy. Maybe one day he'll work through his low self-esteem and hit one out of the ballpark!

Futures End: Justice League #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs thunked tryin' ta survive in Old York 'midst da lower voices mit dere love of thievery und murder was difficult. She forgettem how hard being on dat dusty road were, sees? Gotsta constant worry bouts feeds und gasses fer da vehicle und bandits und mutative raccoons. Forgot how much fun it were too if'n ya well prepared! Und dese guys Goggles tooked out back in her skydyhole, dey had lotsa lotsa ammunition fer der big bangers, which now am Gogg's big bangers, sees? Food ain't been a prob yet. Goggles been high stocked fer long minutes ready ta take a quick powder, sees? Plus she gots a small army, dis point. Dem lower voices been streamin' outta Old York like da lubrication down a young'ns leg kissin' her firs crush, sees? Und Goggles been collectin' em all up acause wes gots places ta go und fings ta do und hell ta face. Eventually. Maybe. Maybe we decide later whevver er nah we gonna face dat hell, ja? 'Til den, wes all gonna make a little jaunt ta Reading City und collect up dem Deep Stacks and dere deep stack of knowits. Mayhap we gonna corpse us some Long Boxers jess fer da pure pleasures of it too, sees?

Ja, ja. Goggles knowsit! She gonna make a place fer peace und love und all dat hooey 'ventualy. But some peeps, ya jess ain't gonna be ables ta live mit no matters what. So fucks em, see? Fucks em und take alla all dere fun fun littyrapture books fer gute measure.

Dis week, Goggles gots part two dat story bout dem dumb dumb Justice Leaguers what knew dey weres strollin' updown inta some trap y still fuckin' kept traipsining right along. Now we gonna read 'bout how dey all corpse it, right? Teach em a lesson, it would.

Well, some duster bester corpse some uvver duster soon or Old Goggs gonna bet bored mit all dis posturing.

Dis fuckity Captain Atom gonna talk like he da master of everting und he can do whatevem he pleases acause he be all kindsa powerful. But den he grow up all bigbig y threaten everduster's life if'n dey donna let him git offa Mars. If'n youse can control alla dat unyversem matter den donna youse fink ya can git offa dis here planet? Fuckin' bonger. Aspeakin' of bongers, dis duster be completely naked und he ain't got nuffin' 'tween his legs. Dis guy can shapes his body up however he want to, so he got big muscles und a tight abdomens und a tighter ass but he ain't gonna gives hisself a big ol' cock? Who am dis guy? I loves my vagina but I pobably swing out some gantic bonger jess ta intimidates alla dem good guys.

Ever duster fights y fights while dey jess keeps on talkin' y talkin'. Somedust, I jess wisht dey'd all jess shut up und punch each ovver ta death if'n dey've decided punchin' am da way ta go. Goggs ain't never been in a battle mit some duster tryin' ta corpse her where she thunked da best fing ta do was ta philosophize mit her enemy. If dese peeps thunked dey could reason fings out, why dey fightin'? Jess do one or da ovver, ja?

No fate be worse den being corpsed, ya psycho monkey.

I figger dat ape jess a dumb monkey und he donna know any better. But why dusters almays gotta trots out dat whole "fate worse than death" garbage? When ya corpsed, dat's it. Dere ain't nuffin' more lef', sees? So dat's da worstest fate dere is. If ya still be livin' but in some kinda despicable, horrid conditions, well...at least ya ain't dead, sees? Some fates mightem be "as bad as death," like maybe bein' brain dead or sumfin. But no fate is worse. How can a fate be worse den not existin', feels me? Da monkey continues sayin' dat it took him many round trips ta break free from da mind controls. Well, do ya fink ya coulda broked free from bein' dead affer a few round trips? No, ya Mope. So sees? Dat weren't a fate worse den death at all acause ya had hope of changin' it! I guess monkeys ain't been known fer dere skills mit metaphysical finking.

Finally, dat alien guy gits free und puts da telepathos whammy on dat Captain Atom so dat he gits stuck in dreamsland. Captain Atom gits ta be at home again und be human again und not be dat big cosmic monster he'd become. Now dat kind of visit ta dreamsland, Old Goggs wouldna mind. Give back my old world ta me fer until I dies und I be happy ta sleep dat big sleep minute affer minute, round trip affer round trip. Slong as Old Goggs didna haff ta wake backs up in The Dusty Stretches, she be lovin' da idea of gittin' stuck in da dreamsland. But since dis shit what she gonna haveta wakes up ta ever single day, she jess hopin' when she sleep, she donna fuckin' dreams.

Hmm. Dat's it fer dis week acause dis here fun fun book was kinda pointless. Lotsa lotsa fightin' over gittin' off dat damned Mars but none a dat fightin' had ta take place at all. Dey could haff jess left dem badbads ta rot since none of dem could gits past dat shields. I guessin' dat Captain Atom desperate 'nuff ta kill everduster, so mayhaps it be a gute ting dey took dat trips, specially fer dat alien guy. But he gonna stay on dat planet all lonesome like takin' care a dem prisoners real nice like acause he a good guy. Also Mars be his home, so mayhap he telepathosing all hims ancestors or sumfin. Mayhap wit dem telepathos powers, he can have seance sex mit dem ghosts of his ancestors. He bang bang bangin' in his mind while dem prisoners all dreamin' dey in dere happy places too. Dat fuckin' alien jess usin' dis prison as a rationalization fer escapin' life. It like his drug, dat prison, sees? Also, mayhap he don't fuckity like humans no more acause dey stink or sumfin.

Goddess be wif ya all if'n dats what ya wants. I say ya should wants it acause she gives you shit fer practical free right here in dis life! But ya free ta do what ya wants, sees? Anydust, gonna be in Reading City in a week or two cause we takin' fings slow. Hope dem Long Boxers jess keep ta dere hidey holes whilst we clear out dem Deep Stacks. Wisht us luck, ja? Und youse lower voices in Reading City? Git ready ta join up und den burn it all down. We gots a world ta build.

The Fury of Firestorm #15

I keep reading this cover as "Death of Captain Atom" and having involuntary movements of my most private of parts.

I'm reading Fury of Firestorm out of order because Artya (who has the best Avatar on Tumblr and only seems to have a presence on Tumblr so it can Disqus) sent a message to me about it that totally spoiled the whole thing for me! Well, not actually! Here's the message:

Just finished reading Firestorm 15. No, no Ronnie's mom in sight. But Jurgens kinda fulfills one of your wishes. No, no homoerotic stuff. Someone kind of dies. And becomes someone else, someone lost, in a sense. I know you don't like spoilers; i'll keep it vague: a certain bad guy could be this guy, from another timeline. Or worse, the bad guy is Stephen Hawkings. Jurgens just gave a big big gigantic lifesaver to Defalco. Doesn't make it any better. It will be great to read what you think about.

So maybe I wasn't so wrong about reading the cover as the death of Capatin Adym! I mean Atom! My guess is that Dr. Megala dies since that's really what's going on on the cover. Dr. Megala is in Firestorm at the time. But he can't become Harvest because that's so obviously Tim Drake after being bitten by a Vampire and living his undead delusion for 1000 years. Now I'm speculating on things somebody else has said and not even speculating on the comic book which I should just be reading anway! My thoughts just keep spiraling further and further outward, away from the actual thing I'm supposed to be contemplating. Shadows of shadows of shadows of the philosophical ideal of the thing casting shadows.

Or something. Maybe I should just read Firestorm.

We left off with Dr. Megala having inserted himself into the body of two high school boys after discovering their location via his newly created Gaydar. Oh, and Captain Atom decided he was already bored of living on the moon. I think "boredom" trumps "existential crisis." I was also left wondering what happened to Ronnie and Jason once Dr. Megala forced his way into Firestorm.

Turns out they're in the same place Sinestro and Hal Jordan are in! Except it's a little more dreary.

Dammit, Ronnie! Don't interrupt now! I want to hear all the sexy details!

Where does Jason's body go when he and Ronnie become Firestorm? This current Firestorm is like trying to stare at one of those three dimensional pictures that were hot shit back in the early nineties. Jason's body is gone because he and Ronnie merged to become Firestorm. So Jason's mind ends up in Ronnie's mind while Jason's body just disappears for a bit unless it's also absorbed into Ronnie's body. Let's just say they merge completely in a very satisfying and loving way. So now two minds are in Ronnie's body, Jason's and Ronnie's. Now Dr. Megala has transferred his mind into Ronnie's body as well. But Dr. Megala's body remains outside of this big Firestorm pastiche. His mind has now taken control leaving Ronnie in the back of Dr. Megala's mind which is in Ronnie's body which means Jason's mind is in the back of Ronnie's mind which is in the back of Ronnie's body currently being controlled by Dr. Megala's mind whose body is entirely separate.

I think I'm making this too complicated! But then love isn't always easy. Anyway, when Dr. Megala takes over Firestorm, he ends up giving it old man Popeye face.

Whenever Dan Jurgens uses foreshortening on a full body, it just winds up looking like a person with a gimpy, baby leg.

Dr. Megala informs his fellow scientists that they're stupid and he's the smartest man on Earth and now he'll never have to endure another incontinence joke at his expense! He's managed to repress the personalities of Jason and Ronnie. While they watch Dr. Megalastorm flit about and try out his new powers, they decide to have a short discussion about The Guardians of the Universe.

Why doesn't this have a "Rise of the Third Army" tag on the front cover?

Minus the masturbation jones, the connection between the Guardians of the Universe and Dr. Megala is pretty obvious. In the DC Universe, if you're super smart you're prone to corruptibility. The Guardians. Niles Caulder. Dr. Megala. Mr. 8, Dr. Sivana, T.O. Morrow, Lex Luthor, and probably a bunch more that'll come to me later while I'm walking down a staircase. It's like Ogilvy, the Penguin's right-hand man said, "You want to be smart but not too smart!" He may have said it differently. I'm one of those annoying people that never get quotes perfect because I don't actually give a fuck about quoting people or things. But I still retain the general idea behind what was said and that's good enough for me. Although it really grinds the gears of people obsessed with quotes. I'm always being corrected which just fucks up the conversation and derails any discussion. It's not that important! I can already feel the gray clouds brewing in the minds of readers who think exactly the opposite and store quotes for every occasion. Fucking nitpickers!

Dr. Megala's first major act as the new Firestorm is to transform the heads on Mt. Rushmore into scientists, alchemists, and great thinkers: Galileo, Newton, Einstein, and himself. He states that he's the fourth greatest mind. Does that mean he is the smartest man on Earth followed by Lex Luthor and then Mister Terrific? I know Mister Terrific isn't on the same Earth anymore but he kept going on and on about being the 3rd Smartest Person but his comic didn't last long enough to explore that statement. What about Stephen Hawking? What about me? I have a feeling Dr. Megala is actually about the 25th smartest person on Earth.

Speaking of the smartest people in the DCnU, who's the smartest woman in the DCnU? Dr. Veritas the Omniologist? She's probably a contender for one of the top two spots above Mister Terrific now that she exists!

While Jason and Ronnie try to figure out a way to kick the old man out of their body, General Eiling begins a conversation with Captain Atom that I'm tired of hearing.

Well, trust him now and deal with fighting him later or just fucking begin fighting him now. What's your choice? Fucking stop trying to piss him off!

As if there isn't enough going on in this comic book, Dr. Megalastorm notices (while in South Dakota) that Qurac (on the other side of the world) has just test fired a long range missile for their budding nuclear program. Dr. Megalastorm turns the missile into a Rubik's cube while even more chaos erupts on the U.S.S. Independence which is neither in South Dakota nor the Middle East but the Pacific Ocean. This comic book has a lot of shit going on!

Captain Atom realizes Dr. Megala transferred his consciousness into Firestorm and decides to go beat his ass.

That's right! At least not while you were being written by J.T. Krul.

Predictably (which is a good thing because it plays out true to the characters! I didn't mean that in the derogatory way it sounded), Captain Atom knocks Dr. Megalastorm loopy in one or two panels. This causes Dr. Megala to lose his complete grip on Firestorm and suddenly Jason and Ronnie are now disembodied heads that can taunt Dr. Megalastorm! How many more people can you fit inside of this body? Can everyone on the planet live inside of a Firestorm as disembodied, chatty, back seat driver heads? Now Ronnie and Jason simply have to find a way to eject Dr. Megala from the Firestorm body. If they figure out this trick, does that mean Jason will be able to eject Ronnie from the body? Or will they only be able to manage this because Dr. Megala is an invading mind with his own body back at the Continuum? I'm pretty sure it's that last one.

With Captain Atom zapping Dr. Megalastorm and Jason and Ronnie taunting him from inside his head, he eventually loses control and winds up in the Quantum Field with Jason and Ronnie. That means Dr. Megala is gay because the Quantum Field doesn't immediately reject him.!

Anybody up for a lemon party?

At this point, nobody is in control of Firestorm. At this point, Captain Atom is barreling toward Firestorm to destroy him. At this point, it's apparently too late for Captain Atom to stop his attack. But it's not too late for a nice, long, casual conversation before that happens.

Captain Atom should have stopped his attack as soon as Firestorm called him "chrome dome!" Dr. Megala, being bald himself, would never have called him that as an insult in the heat of battle. Fucking Batman would have figured that out.

At the last moment, Captain Atom realizes Firestorm is telling the truth. He absorbs most of the blast which fragments him, sending pieces of himself all across the timestream. One of those pieces lands in the 31st century as Nathaniel Adym who you might recognize from Legion Lost if you or anybody else was reading that comic book. I thought there must have been some kind of connection but since Tom DeFalco is writing Legion Lost, I thought the connection could have simply been Tom DeFalco thinking Nathaniel Adym was a cool name and having no clue that he was stealing it from Captain Atom.

With his impressive store of time travel and military knowledge, Captain Atom quickly rises from naked bum in an alley to the Captain of the Science Police's time traveling division, Echo Squad!

It's yet to be seen in Legion Lost if Nathaniel Adym has any of his Captain Atom powers although I would suspect he does. My big gripe in Legion Lost was how Nathaniel Adym time traveled past Flashpoint. Well, if he still has some Captain Atom powers, its possible he was able to manipulate his Time Bubble and force it back in time. I could live with that!

But what's even more interesting is that hundreds of pieces of Captain Atom seeded the timeline. How many more Captain Atoms are there and will there be a future gigantic crossover event dealing with the many faces of Captain Atom? Is there a Caveman Adm? A Puritan Nathaniel Addam? Perhaps the Dragon in the next Beowulf comic will be Dragon Adam? I wonder if one of his shards landed on Earth 2? Or maybe even Earth C? Is there an animal version of Captain Atom now? I bet he's a Tamarin Monkey!

The newest member of The Zoo Crew!

The least important part of the cosmic collision is that Ronnie was knocked unconscious and Firestorm plummeted into the ocean. I guess when Ronnie is knocked out, Jason doesn't get to take over command of the body. Or maybe he just doesn't realize at this moment that he can do that. That might be how he saves their asses from drowning next issue.

I should probably mention the fate of Dr. Megala as well: his body has fallen into a coma. But where his mind has gone is a mystery!

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Dan Jurgens has a way of writing comic books that hasn't changed since the 1980s. Sometimes that's a horrible, horrible thing. And sometimes it's simply the change of pace that a comic book has been needing. And I think Firestorm is finding its footing much better under Jurgens than it had been under whoever was writing it before. How can I be bothered to remember? Joe Harris, maybe? Ethan Van Sciver? Gail Simone? One or all of those people! I'm also interested to see if Tom DeFalco works in the Captain Atom revelation before Legion Lost ends or if it doesn't matter over in that toilet water comic book. Although with Captain Atom fragmenting across all time and space, he's actually ready for another go at his own title! I think that's a premise that a strong comic book can be built around!

The Fury of Firestorm #14

Well get on with it then!

Last issue, Dan Jurgens introduced some secret characters to entice people to pick up the next issue and see what was going on. Except I know better! He was trying to keep Dr. Megala and Captain Atom's participation in this comic book secret for as long as possible so that people wouldn't instantly drop the book. Although I like to think comic book readers are smarter than that. It's not like J.T. Krul is coming on board! Just the character he tried to ruin.

When Captain Atom returns, will we have a love triangle?

At the end of last issue, Firestorm was crushed under a ton of machinery. But you can't keep a good nuclear man down! He returns to handily defeat Relay, Black Star, and Skull Crusher. Or if he can't defeat them, at least humiliate them until they turn cute fuzzy tails and run.

I'm pretty sure "FSASH!" is the sound effect for homosexual sex. Interesting note: "FSASH!" is also the sound effect for heterosexual sex!

While Ronnie Raymond easily counters all the attacks launched against him, he has a casual conversation with Jason Ruach's disembodied head. This conversation leads me to finally have a favorite half of the Firestorm couple.

Ha ha! Leave it to a dog person to basically say dog people are stupid!

Firestorm eventually flees and heads home, leaving the super villains to continue raiding STAR Labs like Ronnie and Jason believed they were doing. What a crappy super hero! Meanwhile Captain Atom looks on from the moon where he fled from everything. What a crappier super hero! The only person accomplishing anything is Dr. Megala! Since he's lost Captain Atom, he's getting closer and closer to finding Ronnie and Jason and then controlling Firestorm.

Smartest man in the DCnU and he's working on perfecting Gaydar.

The next day there's a little drama at high school but it isn't exciting at all. It's supposed to be the best part of this comic book and nothing much happens. Although Jason does find out that his dad is dating Ronnie's mom!

Nope! Guess again!

Dr. Megala, armed with all of the data he's collected with his robot Dataxen and his fancy quantum gaydar, sets up a trap to capture Firestorm. It works just as easily as you would expect when the smartest guy in the world matches wits with two high school guys. Dr. Megala traps Firestorm and transfers his consciousness into Firestorm's body! I don't know if that means there are now three consciousnesses inside of Firestorm or if Ronnie or Jason or both were transferred into the body of the old man. And what happens when Dr. Megala doesn't want to be Firestorm anymore? Does he just end up in the body of Jason and/or Ronnie? If it's "and", how the hell will that work?!

I think it's about time Captain Atom showed up to save the fucking day. Which he, you know, does. Super.

Shouldn't that be, "I'm here to help. Unless maybe it isn't my place to help? Would helping actually end up harming? Who am I to play god? Perhaps I should let man make his own way? Maybe I should just spend 12 issues paralyzed by my fear and doubts? You know, if that's okay with you? Maybe I should just get back to the moon. Sorry!"

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #14 Rating: No change. Better than the comic was with all of the crazy national Firestorms but not enough focus on Ronnie and Jason's relationship!

The Fury of Firestorm #13

Hopefully Dan Jurgens received the memo that this comic book is a Teen Romance.

For awhile, I thought the romance between Jason Rusch and Ronnie Raymond was just a joke I was making. And then I believed they really were having a romance but the writers were being really subtle about it. And then the Zero Issue had them finally merge like the original Firestorm and it did it while Narration Boxing wedding vows! So I wasn't being sly and edgy and funny at all. The book really is a teen romance!

And I love it for that!

I don't think Jurgens got the memo that Ronnie's mom is a racist dirtbag!

Okay, maybe I made that up about Ronnie's mom. Maybe! It seemed like it could have gone that way for awhile but then she met Jason's one-armed dad and it seemed there might have been a little fire there. And now they're pretty familiar with each other because their kids were involved in that Firestorm project together. And now they keep skipping out on school events because they're seriously involved with each other. And their parents, Al and Joanne, seem to be fine with it! If a little confused.

"It's gay teenagers."

The boys are missing their school conferences because they're battling some gigantic robot attacking a nearby air force base. But it seems to be immune to the Firestorm Transmutation Power. Or maybe Ronnie Raymond is just doing it wrong since that was never his specialty. The robot tosses them into a grounded fighter jet, destroying it. This pisses off the base commander, General Eiling. Oh no! Not him!

In all my excitement about how well Jason and Ronnie were getting along, I'd forgotten the spoiler I'd heard about this issue. Until now. We're gonna have a shitty guest star!

The robot eventually retreats from the battle and doody-headed Ronnie Raymond believes they defeated it. But the robot heads back to its secret base with all of the data it's collected from the fight. Someone is learning about Firestorm and I doubt it's for a good cause. While the robot is downloading its data, Ronnie and Jason make it back to school a bit late.

Jason is still wearing panties?

Later that evening while Tonya and Ronnie are working on a school report, some thugs break into STAR Labs. They set off the alarm on purpose. Apparently Jason, being the complete and utter nerd that he is, has a STAR Labs Scanner in his house because when he hears the news, he rushes right over to merge with Ronnie. Right in front of Tonya!

The gay sex sound effect is awfully close to the vagina exploding sound effect.

The jerks breaking in to STAR Labs are working for the same people that sent the data collecting robot after them earlier. They're testing Firestorm in the same way Deathstroke was tested by Zealot and the Omega Men. Someone likes what they see and wants Firestorm for reasons that won't be explained until next issue. And the mystery man (it's Captain Atom's crippled genius scientist!) wants him even after Skull Crusher, Black Star, and Relay seemingly defeat him. And Captain Atom (probably) is looking on from the moon declaring that he must return! Why? Isn't the moon nice this time of year? You spent so long pouting only to come to the conclusion that you must leave the human race and now a few months later, you're already ready to return? Fine! Just don't be written by J.T. Krul.

I guess Relay has Gaydar. Also, Dan Jurgens seems to think Jason's disembodied head is actually a ghost head floating nearby observing the action instead of just thinking inside Ronnie's mind while using Ronnie's body.

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #13 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm just super happy the romance is continuing even though Ronnie keeps trying to pretend he likes girls and Jason is keeping Tonya by his side as his beard. But I gave he comic an extra boost in the rankings not because the action part of the story was very good (it was just mediocre) but because Ronnie's mom and Jason's dad have begun dating!

Captain Atom #0

It's finally here! The last issue of Captain Atom. I thought it should have been cancelled when the Second Wave began but I suppose there were lesser known heroes that nobody was buying that were making less money than poorly written comics about more popular heroes like Captain Atom, Batman, The Teen Titans, Green Arrow, Superboy, and Grifter. But now that Captain Atom is finished, I hope it starts a trend! You better buck up, Green Arrow, and stop being written so poorly! I wonder how many writer changes the Batman titles will get before one of those (The Dark Knight!) gets cancelled.

Captain Atom's origin has pretty much been fleshed out already. So this is what would bring Captain Atom and J.T. Krul back into my good graces: 19 pages of Captain Atom silently walking around the moon, watching Earth, the sun rise, the stars. No Narration Boxes. Simply Captain Atom growing more and more bored with the same routine. And then page 20, Captain Atom saying (in space!), "Fuck this!" and flying back toward Earth.

You know what? Pretend that's what the Zero Issue depicted. I'm not going to waste my time commenting on an issue showing Nathaniel flying about in planes and then being roped into the experiment that blasts his particles all over the universe until he finally manages to recombine himself using his horrible knowledge of biology, chemistry, physiology, and penis sizes. Here's some dialogue that I don't want to comment on but probably exists in this book.

Narration Box: "I had it all! Good looks! Family! A bit of a father issue but who doesn't have some of that? Hot sex every night with a different woman that I'd meet down at the bar just off the base where all the Air Force groupies would hang out. So why did I volunteer to have my molecules dispersed across the universe turning me into a lonely, philosophical, existentially brain damaged smurf?"

I keep glancing at the cover of Issue #0 and refusing to open it. I think I'm boycotting the final issue! Except I already paid for it so this is officially the worst boycott in history! Even if I hadn't purchased it, it would have been a boycott of $2.99. Which would still qualify it as the worst boycott in history. So I guess I might as well read the stupid mess.

I'm not biased at all! I'm just, um, realistic! Because remember what the great philosopher Captain Atom said: "Reality. Subjective. Objective." Yes. YES! Of course! Such staggering genius.
I just looked at the cover again and giggled. He's naked with abs and big muscles and hair but he didn't make himself a penis! I think that's essentially what's wrong with Captain Atom's nature. He has no balls. It's an analogy! Or a metaphor. Or a literal depiction of his inability to just fucking get on with things.

Speaking of an inability to get on with things, perhaps I should just break down and read this thing. I did pay for it, after all.

Captain Adam's father has died so he's been freaking out and breaking formation and acting like he's going to get himself killed while flying a plane. So he soon finds himself grounded. Since he can't do what he wants, he heads over to hang out with Dr. Megala. Dr. Megala gives his a bunch of bullshit about scientists and theories and basically states that general relativity is as theoretical as string theory. So from the start, the reader knows that Dr. Megala is crazy and he doesn't know what he's doing. So he decides to once and for all prove M Theory (which he defines by lifting the definition straight out of Wikipedia. I know that because I had to read about it) by sticking Captain Adam in a molecular oven.

But a monkey wouldn't have been able to entertain us with twelve issues of existentialist monologues.

Captain Adam is disintegrated. And then he reintegrates as Captain Atom. Ta da!

Ha! This is the reaction I said he should have had when shown the universe destroying the previous universe!

Captain Atom quickly figures out his power and uses it to save his colleagues as they fight some Zentradi Battle Pods. He destroys all of the battle pods but then the Air Force pilots turn on him and calling out to destroy it before it can destroy them. And all the pain and loneliness begins! Boo hoo!

I edited out a Narration Box to make the ending seem even more poutier and depressing than it really is. Ha ha!

Captain Atom #0 Rating: Yay! It's finally over!

Captain Atom #12

Let me guess the plot: Captain Atom has an existential crisis while the world nears destruction.

Last issue was some kind of commentary on wish fulfillment. Be careful what you wish for and all that what not. And it was all Captain Atom's fault because he's just not smart. He wants a normal life so that he can be with Ranita. So he creates a normal version of himself. But his mind is not linked to that person. It's a completely new person entirely. Unless J.T. Krul changed his mind about that because it was never stated outright, so he's free to do anything he wants I guess. But it makes sense if that's what happened. Because then Captain Atom went back to the lab to pout in silence while his subconscious mind began fulfilling the wishes of everyone else in the lab. But all of those wishes went badly too because Captain Atom is a fucking asshole.

As I begin reading this issue, J.T. Krul have a philosophical discussion. Krul begins thusly:

My response is: "Oh fuck me!"

My first year of college, I took a course at Portland State University called "The Philosophy of Science." I thought it would be interesting. I like science! I like philosophy! Jolly good then! Philosophically, I figured I'd love this class. The first day of class, the professor and one single student argued the nature of reality for nearly the entire class. At one point, the student said, "How do I know that what I see out the window actually exists outside the window?" I was thinking, "Jump the fuck out of it and find out, asshole." I dropped the course after attending that single class. Philosophy isn't merely spiraling down deeper and deeper into "what is reality?" or "what can I believe?" Those questions are important and part of it but if you're going to spend all of your time debating experience instead of enjoying experiences, you might have missed the point of life. If you really wanted to know what lie outside that window, go find out. But if you jump out the window and end up lying on the ground with two broken legs but still find yourself wondering, "Is this pain real or just a manifestation of electronic signals shooting off in the right place in my brain creating the illusion of pain?", then you might have a philosophical problem. I mean, a problem with philosophy, like an addiction, and not an existential quandary about the true nature of reality. Or, I guess, both! Philosophy pun for the win!

Back to Captain Atom, the fictitious character wondering about the true nature of reality (boy, would he be surprised that he's just ink on paper! (or do the images created by that ink on paper exist objectively since it's only being interpreted by my eye and brain in tandem with each other?)): he's just sitting in his globe of green fluid and jizz pouting and masturbating away. No, seriously! Look at that picture! I think I just figured it out. Maybe he still has a link of some kind to the Nathaniel he created, kind of like a spy camera in the back of the brain. So he's watching the date and watching them kiss from his ocean of lotion. And he's masturbating to the images. Each time he has an orgasm, he's fulfilling the wish of another person inside the lab. But then he loses the link to that wish as he falls away from the peak of pleasure and the wish deteriorates and becomes sour.

I think I like that explanation. Perhaps I should just put the comic book away and believe that's how Captain Atom ended! Sitting lonely in a sphere and masturbating cursed wishes on everyone! Stop reading now if you also want to believe this! You sicko perv.

Oh wait! Page Two supports my theory as well!

After having ignored her cell phone all night because she wasn't sure if it was real or not, Ranita finally accepts it as an actual object in her space and answers it. Scott Alexander Alexander Scott "Scotander" Scott Alexander Alexander Scott Scott Alexander has left a bunch of voice mails and texts for her. It's a good thing this comic has been cancelled or Scott Alexander's name was going to eventually consume entire blog posts because I can't stop making it longer and longer! He was trying to find Ranita because they're having problems at the lab. Except that doesn't actually make sense, does it? What can she do to help? Oh! That's right. She can flirt with Captain Atom and get him to stop pulling this shit!

The lab worker, Ben, that suddenly found his old box of toys that exploded into flames when he opened it has been running around the lab on fire. The other workers try to put him out but he thinks about his past when he burned down the family home as a child because he was angry that his father took away his toys and Ben erupts into flames again. He's become one of those trick candles unfunny assholes put on your cake on your birthday. "Ha ha! You couldn't blow out your candles!" "Ha ha, you don't get any of my cake, bitch." That might be the exact exchange between me and my mom on my eighth birthday. Or it might be a complete lie. Reality! Objective! Subjective!

While Ben is running around the lab catching everything on fire, Captain Atom is flying through space in Dr. Megala's mind. And it causes the universe to crack open and candy to fall out because there's an actual page in this comic that I find interesting!

I like the idea of the Big Bang taking place inside an already established Universe because how would we know otherwise? But then the moment is ruined by Dr. Megala's reaction. Up until now, the Dr. Megala that has been written would think this was fascinating and not horrible. But I guess he has to react this way to fit the theme of the issue.

Ranita and Nate arrive at the Continuum to help out because Dr. Scott Scott Scott Alexander Alex Scott Xander Scotty Scott Alexander Scott Scott SCOOOOOOTTTTTTT texted "I tilled you so!" and "Captain Adam is running emery boards!" Which brings us to another philosophical reality question: what is the nature of reality when autocorrect has its fingers in everything you type? How do we know that your mother didn't actually want you to bring five dildos back from the store? Maybe your friend didn't make it to the party because his car really did run out of ass. And how do you know that the chimera didn't spank the martian's monkey in the middle of the llama's lymphatic train? Yeah! Chew on that one!

Hmm, I was getting to some point in that last paragraph but I took a right turn at Albuquerque. Oh yeah. It was that Krul does provide a panel with the proof that this human Nate really is completely separate from Captain Atom.

Proof that Captain Atom is the stupidest piece of shit in the universe. "I'm totally crushing on this chick. I know! I'll make an autonomous being that looks and acts the way I used to look and fuck her with it!" New being goes off with woman. Captain Atom watches jealously and sits and stews and wonders if he's kissing his woman. Except for the part where the guy creates another lifeform, this is like every single day in junior high for me!

Normal Nate runs into the lab and confronts Captain Atom. He wants to be angry. He wants to know why he ruined this for himself. But that's the problem with creating clones. They aren't you!

Nerd alert: This whole cloning thing was a huge problem for me when I played Auto Duel on the Apple IIe. In the game, you could create a clone of yourself at a shop so that if you died, the clone would activate and you'd continue the game. It was basically the save game file but it disturbed me that the clone wasn't really you. The actual you died. Just because there is another body out there with all of your memories, it doesn't mean you still didn't die. The universe ended for you and it doesn't matter that another being is walking around thinking it's you! Sure, for the clone, every thing is grand! It thinks it is you. All of its friends think it's you. But what do you care? Your consciousness winked out when the bandits machine gunned your gas tank and blew your body all over Route 285.

This same thing comes up with the work scientists are doing on teleportation. A Nova program was recently detailing how they're teleporting particles by using entanglement. They were showing how two particles are entangled then pulled apart across a large distance. Then a third particle is introduced to the first particle. Another particle is introduced to the second particle. Then the third particle is destroyed as its information is transferred to the fourth particle. Voila! Teleportation!

Well, not exactly. Information may have been teleported and that's good for some things. But then they speculated that this is how human teleportation might work and I nearly shit my pants. They showed how a booth would be set up in the same way, sending the information from New York to Paris. You'd enter a booth in New York, get scanned, disintegrate, and then you'd appear in the booth in Paris. I just thought, "That's not a teleportation booth! That's a suicide booth!" One very theoretical scientist said something like, "Sure it's you. It's all the same information." Then another guy whose name I wish I could remember said, "I wouldn't get in it!"

So, you know, that's what's going on here. Although now that Nate has arrived to stop Captain Atom, it looks like they're going to merge. So that may have been the point all along. Captain Atom was recording the experience and memory of human contact on this other Nate so that he could absorb him later and have the memories for himself.

This also supports my masturbation theory!

In the end, Captain Atom misses the point and moves to Mars the moon. But you can't blame him for missing the point. He's not very smart. I mean, even the smart people in this comic miss the point. Like that part where Dr. Megala should have said, "It's fascinating!" because that's what Dr. Megala would have done. They all miss the point. I should probably try to explain it.

When Captain Atom fixes everything, he says, "I tried to give them what they wanted, but they seemed determined to get what they felt they deserved." Later, just before moving to the moon, he says, "Maybe that was my big mistake. Living in my own fantasy. Ignoring my new reality since the day of the accident." So he decides what he deserves is to be apart from everyone by moving to the moon. But he just pointed out that the fantasies didn't work because the fantasies couldn't work. They failed because the people couldn't allow themselves to have what they wanted. And now he's doing the same thing. He's not allowing himself to have what he wants. And yet he's been discussing subjective and objective reality this whole time. Dude. Stop pouting and removing yourself further and further from other people. If that's what you want, be near people. Maybe meet a nice Firestorm with which you can have intimate relations. Keep trying. I guess the moral of Captain Atom is "Fuck it! I give up!"

Captain Atom #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Both because it's finally over and because this issue does what the rest of the series has been trying to say really, really poorly.

There were two moments during this entire 12 issue run that I think would have made for great Captain Atom stories but ended up just being big misses by the creative team. I think the beginning of Issue Three when he's dealing with survivor's guilt and getting a little religious and/or schizophrenic could have made for a fascinating take on this character. He went through big trauma perhaps he should act like a trauma victim! That could have been wonderful. And now at the end, this issue could have been the first issue of the entire series! It's like this issue did everything in one shot that the rest of the series has been fumbling and stuttering and not knowing how to say. But the problem is I don't think the creative team realizes Captain Atom missed the point of his whole experience. If they did realize it and this was an early issue, Captain Atom could have grown into a really interesting tragic character. But instead it just comes across as "I quit!" and a retelling of Watchman's Jon removing himself to Mars. Too bad.