Suicide Squad Loves The Banana Splits #1

I feel like this comic book has a target audience of one and that one is me!

I used to watch The Banana Splits early in the morning before school back in early elementary school. They were sort of like The Monkees if the The Monkees were furries. I was sold on the show just from the opening theme song with The Banana Splits running around an amusement park. I can't really recall the plots to the shows but I get the feeling they were always trying to evade the landlord because they hadn't sold enough crack to pay the rent yet. My favorite part of Kick Ass (and pretty much the only part I remember) was when Hit Girl begins murdering the fuck out of people while The Banana Splits theme song played. I have that version of the theme song (and the original!) on my iTunes and I never skip it when it comes up. If only the Suicide Squad had such good music to accompany their crazy exploits.

That's my love of the Banana Splits half! My love for the Suicide Squad half begins with Ostrander's run post-crisis in the eighties. That's my favorite all time mainstream super hero comic book run of all time. I have to add all of those qualifiers because it can't really compare to my love of Elfquest or Cerebus or Transmetropolitan or The Sandman or definitely not Shade the Changing Man or Astro City or Planetary or Strangers in Paradise or many others. But for a super hero comic book from DC or Marvel? Totes my fave! It did shit no other comic book at the time was doing. Like, um, things you wouldn't believe! Adult things that didn't have to do with sex (but if they had, it would only have made it better!). Also, that's where Oracle was created! And the eventual reveal of who Oracle was might be one of the greatest and most satisfying reveals in comic books. Those kinds of things are hard to pull off! Unlike me who is easy to pull off! Get it?! I come quickly!

The issue begins with The Banana Splits nearly being gunned down by overzealous cops on their way to play the Whisky-a-Go-Go. They've traded in their Banana Buggies for a military grade Humvee. I guess they finally figured out how to sell all of their crack. Or maybe their music took off.

I feel like they're making light of a monstrous problem in our society!

It turns out the violent cops who turn up to taze the Banana Splits work for somebody known as "The Boss Lady." That could be Amanda Waller although it goes against the spirit of the Suicide Squad to hunt down an innocent band of non-criminals for recruitment. They must really be selling drugs to get by! It's also possible they're being kidnapped by a female super villain to use their music against the world. Sort of like how the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band's instruments were used for evil by Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, and the Future Villain Band (aka Aerosmith).

While the Suicide Squad are on another mission going tits up (which sounds great but it isn't for some reason), The Banana Splits have been sent to Belle Reve for some reason? Resisting arrest, I guess? Oh! I bet the cops found all the crack they were trying to sell for rent in the trunk of the Humvee. Unless Humvee's don't have trunks. I guess it was in Snork's trunk.

In Belle Reve, the Banana Splits act the same way The Monkees would act if they were sent to prison. They really are pretty much the same exact group. But I think The Banana Splits were meant for a slightly older audience.

Deadshot, Katana, Flag, and Killer Croc are in serious trouble on their mission. So Amanda is all, "I know how to save you! I'll send some prisoners who haven't actually been convicted of anything yet and probably shouldn't be in Belle Reve at all but are because otherwise it would have been too hard to figure out how to do this crossover! Also, they're musicians whose only experience with violence is through slapstick. Although to make this entire premise more palatable, I'm watching a fight scene on the lunchroom monitor right now explaining how The Banana Splits are great fighters because one of them is a gorilla, one is a lion, and one is an elephant. So don't worry, Deadshot! You'll be safe in one quick music montage chase scene!"

I wonder which one is going to die?

The Suicide Squad apparently weren't as on the verge of death as Waller was led to believe. After the Banana Splits parachute in to save the Squad, the Squad save the Banana Splits. It really just seems to be Rick Flag whose life is in danger. The threat? It's the same threat as in the mid-80s Apple IIe game, Wasteland! The AI of a robot factory has achieved sentience and decided to make millions of robots to cleanse the world of humankind. I guess that's the same plot as in Terminator as well. And probably a whole bunch of other stories from the 80s. We were really afraid of machines in the eighties. I didn't eat toast for twelve years. I still eat my Pop Tarts uncooked like a barbarian!

Snork comes up with a plan and then Harley describes the plan to Amanda. In doing so, we have a new piece of verified canon that I'm currently adding, in Sharpie, to my Who's Who entry of Rick Flag.

"Likes being fingered in the butthole during sex."

Some people might want these Hanna-Barbera crossovers to be alternate universe stories. But remember if you choose to believe that, you can't know for sure that Flag needs one up the bum to orgasm.

The mission is successful and the Banana Splits choose to remain in Belle Reve so they can shed their bubblegum pop image and become hard core idiots. Fuck that nonsense! Bubblegum pop forever!

The back-up story is about Snagglepuss. I bet at some point, he exits stage left! Probably to go suck a dick. The story is by Mark Russell with art by Howard Porter so I'm bound to like it. I'm sorry, Steve Buccellato, that I have no opinion at all on your coloring skills.

I don't remember Snagglepuss being so philosophical! Maybe I was watching his cartoons incorrectly!

I bet Snagglepuss and Foghorn Leghorn would have made a cute couple. Volatile, but cute!

The Ranking!
I don't rank one shots and specials! Unless sometimes I feel in the mood to rank them. Today isn't one of those days.

Catwoman: Election Night #1

Dammit. I only picked this up because I thought it said "Erection Night."

• I'm skipping ahead in my stack of comics to read this before it is no longer topical. It would be weird to read this three weeks from now when nobody wants to be reminded of the election. Not that anybody wants to be reminded of it now! Can you believe how the people voting for that one person can actually live with themselves?! It's shocking!

• That's enough of my intense, biting political commentary! I'm just going to read this comic book now about a sexy sex kitten who can't get enough bat-dick.

• For some reason, the story begins when Selina Kyle is a little girl which means she's missing her best two features!

• Selina is living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayard Girls, an orphanage where she pretends a cat named Ali is her best friend. They hang out in the laundry room trying not to get adopted or beaten up by the ugly orphans. It doesn't work. The ugly orphans find her anyway.

• That's enough of the flashback! It's time for Tits in Tight Leather. That's my secret name for Catwoman that I never tell anybody because I don't want them to think I'm sexist. Is it sexist to view a fictional character as a sex object? I mean, she is just an object in that she's a drawing on paper! And that object is definitely sexy because my pants are suddenly too tight in the front.

• Catwoman with her two best features appears on the credits page and I'm less interested in Catwoman's best features than I am in the credits. Not because I see Meredith Finch is writing this story and now know that I'll be wasting the next hour of my life reading something she wrote. No, what really excites me is that I don't see Russell's name in the credits but his name was on the cover. And you know what else was on the cover? A Prez billboard! Which means, using my super duper sleuthing skills taught to me by my Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course classes, Mark Russell must have written a Prez back-up story for this Erection Day Special! I think plowing my way through an inane and probably sexist Meredith Finch story might be worth it to get to the chewy Corndog Girl center!

• In the present, Catwoman is busy beating up one of the Penguin's henchmen who was trying to steal from Miss Kitty. What a hypocrite she is!

Hey! A cat's tongue is no joke! Many times, my cat Judas licked my arm raw in his overzealous taste tests!

• The next day, Catwoman picks up her copy of the Gotham Gazette which she apparently subscribes to. She also feeds Ali the Cat who is still alive somehow. He looks pretty fucking beat up, so he's probably twenty or so. You know how you can tell a cat is old just by glancing at it because it's gotten to that point where it's all, "Fuck it. I've licked myself clean with my tongue for my entire life. What the fuck do I care what I look like now?" Also, their meow becomes the sound of rusting metal scraping across more rusting metal. Sometimes they're almost blind so you can get them to run into table legs by calling them and snapping your fingers right next to a table leg. I mean, if you were a big jerk, you could do that! Who would even think of something like that? Poor kitty!

• In the Gotham Gazette is a story by Vicki Vale where she typed "ormally" instead of "formally." I hope she got fired. Oh, the article is about The Penguin running for mayor. Didn't I already see this story on that terrible Gotham television show? Is The Penguin also super gay for The Riddler in this?

• Riddle me this, Riddler: What's black and white and sucks dick all over?!

• Catwoman comes to the conclusion that The Penguin's run for mayor has something to do with Miss Kitty because of course everything is about her. The unfortunate thing for me and my commentary is that, this being a comic book by a mediocre writer, she's probably absolutely right. I don't like stories where the main character knows what's going on at all times from the fewest clues life throws at them! Life is not this easy! It's why my favorite author is Philip K. Dick! Because his theme is usually "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! HOW DO I LIFE?!"

• The Penguin speaks exactly like Donald Trump and is really concerned about putting a wall up around Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls. This is lazy satire. I can't wait to get to the Prez story! That one will be full of brilliant satire! And Corndog Girl!

• Back in the past, Selina learns that she's not supposed to hate jerks who cut up your face with a box cutter. You're supposed to go, "You know what? I don't know why that bitch tried to kill me, so how can I judge?"

• Fuck you, Miss Kitty.

• The Penguin's plan is apparently to build a wall around Gotham City to keep out all the Narrows riff-raff and suburbanites. But he also plans to knock down Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls! Selina was right! This election really does affect her and the things she cares about! I guess now she'll vote for The Penguin's opponent and he'll lose and everybody will celebrate the democratic process! Right?

• Constance Hill is The Penguin's opponent and she vows to do whatever it takes to beat The Penguin! So, like, she's going to campaign and shit? Or is vowing to do whatever it takes in front of Catwoman her whole plan? "Hey, Catwoman! We must win because I build bridges and not walls (I totally just made that up right now myself! So clever, right?! Okay fine! Somebody else said it first! But who can tell who, so it's kind of mine, right?!) So I'll do whatever it takes to win, if you get my meaning! Do you get my meaning? You're a thief. People steal elections? Do you need more hints?!"

• My guess is that Catwoman will discover an embarrassing thing about The Penguin (like how he's really still a big fat gay criminal!) and then expose the truth which will cause everybody to vote for Constance Hill in a landslide. As if voters care about truth!

Did Catwoman just give that guard a handy to get into the casino?! He doesn't look very pleased about it!

Batman is waiting for Catwoman in an empty room of the Iceberg Casino. He's also super jealous. He's all, "What took you so long? What are those stains on your gloves I'm picking up through my Bat-Semen-Detecting Goggles?!" Actually, it kind of looks like Catwoman's suit is covered in semen stains.

What's up with this suggestive dick-sucking framing?

• At first I thought Batman and Catwoman were working together on something. Why else would Batman be waiting for her inside the casino? It's the only thing that makes sense, right?! Nope. Batman is just trying to stop Catwoman from doing things Catwoman's way. AGAIN! Doesn't this fucking jerk get it yet? He might be able to control all the little orphans he adopts but why does he keep thinking he can tell a grown-ass woman how to live her life?! Why's he always trying to Daddy her? And I don't mean in a sexy way. Wait. Is it sexy to call some guy Daddy when you fuck him? Ugh. I think I'm going to throw up.

• Batman hands over some of The Penguin's recent real estate transactions because he somehow knows what Catwoman was after. That's disturbing. The only conclusion is that he's bugged her Catsuit or her vagina. And why did he even need to show up to hand over the documents? Couldn't Catwoman have done it herself? And if he was planning on helping her with the documents, why the fuck was he waiting for her inside the casino?! Now Penguin might be on alert because people broke into his place!

• I suppose it's possible Batman was in disguise as the guard who got the handy. That would explain the guard's sour expression. So risking meeting Catwoman inside the Iceberg was the only way to get the handy and get her the information!

• The next flashback makes it apparent that one of the horrible kids became Constance Hill. And that she also murdered another horrible kid so that she could take the girl's place in her upcoming adoption. Which would also explain why she doesn't want Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls knocked down since they'll find the skeletal remains of her murder victim. So, once again, Catwoman was right because earlier she said she didn't trust Constance Hill, the perfect candidate!

• Is this story going to end with a big "VOTE FOR JILL STEIN!" banner?

• Catwoman has grown into her ability to jump to the perfect conclusion because as a kid, she was a complete fucking idiot. All of the evidence of murder were right in front of her and she couldn't put the pieces together. But when she sees one of The Penguin's henchmen fucking around outside Miss Kitty's and then sees he's running for mayor the next day, she immediately knows the two are connected!

• Now that Catwoman's an adult, she finally figures out the murder. You can't get anything past older Catwoman! Younger Catwoman though? Please. What an idiot!

• Catwoman breaks into the debates to destroy all of the candidates. She's in a hurry this time so she trades handies for kicks to the face and the tired old "cat got your tongue" line.

• Catwoman exposes Constance's decade old murder and Batman exposes The Penguin's shady real estate dealings and nobody becomes mayor. But Batman does get a good idea to make more money buying up properties!

• The story ends with Corndog Girl living in Miss Kitty's Home for Wayward Girls, for some reason. Continuity be damned! This probably works or something. Whatever, it's a segue!

• Next up is a Prez story by Mark Russell called "Trigger Warnings". Shouldn't there have been a Content Warning before using the term Trigger Warning?

• Remember when I said there would be brilliant satire in the Prez comic? I take that back! It's lacking in subtlety and the humor doesn't quite make up for the bluntness of the message. Maybe it was tweaked so that the typical voter would understand the message. What good is satire if audience bias can simply interpret the story however they want?

• So after the more guns is dangerous and confusing segment, we get the men discussing women's health issue bit.

It's still screaming to the choir but at least it's funnier.

• Juxtaposing the two issues of gun control and legislating women's bodies winds up being much smarter than I realized. Mostly because I'm stupid and stubborn. So when you write a story showing how dumb open and carry is and make it super obvious that it's dumb with a lot of dumb characters, I just want to think, "Duh! That's dumb!" But then when you sit the issue of guns and how many people die from them and how Congress will do nothing about it right up next to women's health issues like birth control and abortion, issues which Congress are stampeding to legislate, I finally see the genius of the story. Again, though, not like this isn't shit that isn't super obvious to the people who agree with it.

What?! But that sounds like a Win/Win Situation!

• After finishing the story, I'm super sorry that I ever doubted Mark Russell's ability due to the lack of subtlety in the gun nuts shooting up a burger joint scene! Everything wraps up in such a way that I'm super jealous of Mark Russell and might have to one day stalk him, kidnap him, and shove him in the well I've dug in the basement. Can people exist only on semen caught on their tongue like snowflakes?

The Ranking!
I'm not ranking this! Are you crazy?! It's a one-shot! It'll clutter up my rankings! Also, I forgot to add Nightwing to the list! I should fix that!

Prez #6

I'm all for Corndog Girl on the twenty dollar bill.

Some people have been wondering why I put my reviews behind a pay wall so I thought I'd answer them now. Because they're worth it. Oh, and actually they're not--and never have been--real reviews. I'm not concerned with pointing out how the letterer perfectly captured the feeling of a vampire growling out sex commands. Or how the colorist created a cheerful and bright tone which contrasted poignantly with the sorrow and despair of the characters in the book. Occasionally I'll point out how David Finch somehow fucked up so badly that he put six fingers on Wonder Woman (not hyperbole!) or I'll defend Rob Liefeld's ability to draw feet by pointing out they're just as good as everything else he draws. I definitely do concern myself with the writing though. But is that really much of a review when I'm discussing a comic book? That's probably not even 50% of the final product! So, no, I am not writing reviews. I'm writing spontaneous essays based on whatever the fuck digressions the comic book's plot points send me spiraling into. If you're into reading fucked up ephemeral tidbits loosely based around DC Comic books, you might actually be interested in getting your ass behind the paywall. If you're not, well fuck it, right? You've got an infinite amount of free internet to peruse at your leisure. Hell, even most of the porn is free!

But if you're interested in discovering just how big my crush on Corndog Girl is, you might want to keep reading!

It's pretty fucking big, I tell you what.

Corndog Girl thought the biggest crisis of her presidency was apologizing for America's bullying, Imperialistic, self-righteous, know-it-all, narcissistic attitude! But she was totally and completely wrong if she thought that which she might not have actually thought because I may have just assumed it. The next big crisis on her plate is the Cat Flu! It's killing thousands of Americans a week because good for it! I'm pro anything that has cat in the name! Go cat flu! You're so fucking adorable! Although have you thought about maybe changing your name to Kitten Flu because, seriously, come on? How cute would that be?

These assholes are actually a bigger problem than the Cat Flu.

This paragraph is where I discuss why people who hate the government but are okay with big business doing whatever the fuck they want are complete and utter morons so if you're one of those morons, you might want to skip this paragraph and pretend I called you all geniuses instead. I feel living with lies is probably the most enjoyable way to get through life anyway. The basic premise of government is that it is of the people. People have the means to participate in government (no matter how shitty those means currently are because corporations have convinced the government to stop listening to people and, at the same time, have purchased dozens of talking heads to convince people that the government is evil and corporations are good) and to change it. No matter how crappy the system seems to work, it's at least possible to change the government. It's actually quite possible and reasonable to change local government which is how you begin to change state and national government as well. But people are allowed zero participation in corporations. No, I don't count owning a fucking stock as participating and you shouldn't either, you--what did I call you earlier? Oh yeah!--utter moron. The more you hate government and try to destroy it in favor of corporations and rich people doing whatever the fuck they want, the less ability you have to change anything. Don't trust the government? Try to change it. If the government changes in a way you don't like because other people have convinced it to change for the better, whine and pout. Oh, and try to change it, I guess. Whatever. I mean, does voting even work? Maybe the utter morons are right! In that case, I guess the best way to change the government is to start a small business, then grow that business into a bigger business, then keep growing that business into a major corporation, then avoid being bought out or subsumed into another business or destroyed by your investors, then become a nationally renowned corporation, then hire a lobbying firm, then donate millions upon millions of dollars to politicians who will reside in your pocket, then ask them to piggyback all the really shitty and selfish changes in laws to bills that the opposition party really needs to pass and voila! You've changed the system! Congratulations, you bastard.

Meanwhile Tina (formerly known as--and I only bring this up for clarification with my readers and not to try to pin her to her past--War Beast) is being harassed by the government because they want her back in their armory.

President Corndog Girl decides to seek help in finding a Cat Flu Vaccine from Fred Wayne.

The cat e-mail thing is a good gag but absolutely not the reason I scanned this page. My lust is squarely to blame.

Fred Wayne has a top secret project that he says can help save the world. He hasn't revealed it to anybody yet because Corndog Girl is the first politician who seriously wants to change the world for the better as opposed to changing the world for the richer (and by "richer," I obviously don't mean everyone! Don't make the tiny few who profit from most of the government's decisions laugh!).

President Corndog Girl's horrible congress override her veto and give Boss Smiley and his stupidly nicknamed cohorts everything they want. Once again, it's a win for nobody! I mean, it's technically a win for some people but that portion of the population for whom the win matters is so small that it's effectively zero. Therefore nobody wins. Nobody.

Well, maybe the cutest person in this futuristic version of America wins because she's as smart as she is fuckable. That was supposed to be a compliment!

This story makes me giddy and not just because all of my blood flow has been redirected to a certain area of the body due to fantasizing about my future life with President Corn Dog girl. I constantly wish logic were being used in courts and congressional hearings and house votes all across this nation. I'm tired of the answer to any ethical dilemma being determined by which side throws the most money at something. When Monsanto was suing small farmers for stealing their patents because some of Monsanto's patented soybeans were found on their farms due to natural pollen distribution, I couldn't understand how the small farmers didn't have a suit against Monsanto for contaminating their farms! I mean, logically I couldn't understand it! Monetarily, I knew exactly why the farms were getting screwed by Monsanto. I get that there are strict controls in place to keep judges from having too much power but I think we need some kind of common sense law where a judge can simply look at a suit and proclaim, "Fuck you!" Then he'd bang his gavel and the bringer of the offending lawsuit would have to pay a bajillion dollar fine.

Maybe the answer is to stop having judges who are voted into power or appointed and have a jury system for judges. But the judge jury pool would only be full of accredited scientists who are fucking smart enough to not listen to lawyers when they're entire case amounts to four truckloads of manure.

President Corndog Girl's maneuver works and congress repeals the law that gave Boss Smiley and his friends the rights to whatever DNA they could register. Her new plan to stop the spread of Cat Flu is to airlift all of the cats into New Mexico where they'd remain quarantined for a number of weeks. People are predictably angered at their cats getting a vacation while they continue to have to work fifty-two weeks per year.

Bad comic book! Bad! Pulling the putting a pet down scene is tantamount to terrorism!

Prez #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. I fucking love this comic book! I hope DC Comics doesn't forget to publish Part Two sometime in the future! Although if they don't use the same creative team, I don't really care if they never publish it again. At that point, it'll be a crap shoot as to whether it's worth reading or not. I think Mark and Ben have created a really special six issue mini-series here with potential for more wild satire and cute Corndog Girl predicaments. Plus Boss Smiley is only getting started! He was practically just a bit player in this series. I'm sure he's going to be real trouble in the near future! I bet he and his cohorts do really wild and unbelievably greedy things like maybe Pharmaduke will raise the price of prescription pills by 7000%! Oh man, that would totally be hilariously unrealistic! I love you, Corndog Girl!

Prez #5

That "Teen" tattoo seems like it'll be a bad idea for a high percentage of her life.

Teenagers, right?! 'nuff said!

So a teenager has become the president of the United States of America! That is some crazy shit right there! You can't make that stuff up! Hilarious! And of course she's doing a better job than any other president in the entire history of presidents! Mostly because she's one smart cookie with super cute freckles. Her hair is cute too. And she's got a tight body and a cool sense of fashion. She probably has like some skills or something too but who cares?! She's adorable!

The issue begins by pointing out how conservative news reporters and talk show hosts are idiots. That's a smart observation! It makes me think as I read it, "Yeah! I've totally thought how vacuous and simple-minded their arguments are! Right on, comic book!" It's too bad that stupid idiots who enjoy conservative news programs won't read this and think, "Yeah! I am a super huge idiot for swallowing this pap and disinformation! Der!" Hopefully nobody reading this right now is applauding what I've written and saying, "Right on!", while high-fiving their stupid friend who follows them around just in case there's a high-fiving moment. I'm just saying be careful about cheering me on because I'll probably be lampooning your beliefs unfairly in a few paragraphs and then you'll feel a bit awkward and embarrassed and won't be able to look your high-five friend directly in the eyes.

Corn Dog Girl is all, "America is terrible and I'm here to apologize for all the terrible stuff we've done!" And the ditz who somehow has a job interviewing politicians says, "You hate America because you don't support sending young men to their deaths or to be horribly wounded so that when they return to the United States from a corporate sponsored war you can feel good by referring to them as heroes!" And I'm reading this comic book and thinking, "I wonder if President Ross gives lap dances?"

Corn Dog Girl decides to travel the world apologizing in person for America's past abuses of practically whatever you can think of. Do you have a dictionary nearby? Open it up. Point to a word. Whatever it is, America took advantage of it while probably killing a bunch of people who couldn't speak English. Oh, who am I kidding?! I'm exaggerating. Of course they spoke English although it was only as a second language.

In the future, fashionable lady's underwear is just mummy bandages. So fucking hot.

Meanwhile the newest model of American imperialist violence has escaped from the lab. It's name is War Beast and it loves musicals where women don't love men but the men keep pushing and pushing and singing and just hanging around and never taking no for an answer until finally the woman sighs and shrugs her shoulders and marries him and cries herself to sleep every night for the rest of her life. Musicals are so romantic!

War Beast travels America living in a port-o-potty. I hope he's also writing poetry which is competent at best but really sends a message to bourgeois adults who just don't fucking get it at all, man.

War Beast's mouth is an asshole!

The definition of maturity is when you stop thinking about assholes as gross or funny and begin masturbating to them.

Oh my god. Hottest president ever after Garfield.

The CEOs all have holographic projections covering their heads to maintain anonymity. The guy in the previous scan is Big Pharma. They call him Pharmaduke. Get it?! Ha ha! That dog was crazy. Although I think 97% of the jokes in a Marmaduke comic were "The dog is really big."

Pharmaduke is all, "We're working on a cat flu vaccine that is guaranteed not to cause morons to think it causes autism. But we need more money to buy bigger facilities because I'm just so big!" Corn Dog Girl is all, "I have freckles! Cute ones and not disgusting ones! Imagine my naked booby, Tess! Imagine it!" This comic book is really good!

Then it's time to explore the jet Corn Dog Girl will be taking on her Sorry America Stepped On All Of Your Toes Tour!

Duh. It's a meat generator. Who would masculinize it? Also look how easily its feelings were hurt! Zing!

Zinging the entire female gender is probably not a great idea in this social climate where we're all currently pretending everybody is equal. Look, I warned you earlier that you were going to regret high-fiving your high-five friend!

Let the apologies begin!

That Iraqi guy's English is spectacular! But that Japanese guy? What does he want from America? We never bombed them with two atomic bombs again! Meaning!

Corn Dog Girl...shit! Excuse me! I keep calling her that. I'm such a dick. President Corn Dog Girl visits Pakistan next. She wants to meet with the insurgents as well as the Pakistan government although she should probably call them freedom fighters in their presence. But the Pakistan government is all, "Fuck those dicks! If you give them one ounce of apology, we'll let loose our Russian Automated Sentry Robots! And you know how poorly programmed those pieces of shit are!" But President Corn Dog Girl is all, "We must make peace no matter the risk to ourselves!" Then she looks around to see how many people are clapping but only finds lots of people working on eulogies for her funeral.

Back in church, War Beast continues to seek redemption.

Based on the last issue mention of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, I would have liked to have seen War Beast choose the name Dorcas.

Pharmaduke tells his assistant Candi that the stock market doesn't work at all because it's just a popularity contest. The stock market is exactly like the comic book market in the 90s. Blue Chip stocks are those that are too expensive to be battered by speculation. They're the Amazing Fantasy #15s and the Action Comic #1s of the market. But most of the stock market is composed of variant covers, holographic card inserts, chrome covers, and horrible looking but mind-boggingly popular 90s Image comics. They're only of any real value while everybody believes they have value. Stock market analysts have to tell people that "bubbles" aren't really part of the stock market and that nobody should worry about them because people need to keep investing in the market or the whole thing collapses. Money isn't simply generated in the market if it's left alone, no matter how many moronic, ignorant assholes tell you that. People make money in the stock market because new money constantly flows into the stock market. And it only does that if people are convinced that it's some plodding machine that continually grows money over the years no matter what happens. But bubbles are part of the market. And the market can suffer a catastrophic collapse if all you millenials just decided to give the finger to all of the generations before you (who deserve it because they've given you the finger every day of your lives) and just completely ignored the stock market. Don't even bother with it. Just let it die! You have the power! Just like Sailor Moon!

What was the comic book talking about before I remembered how much I hated Image Comics in the 90s? Oh yeah! Pharmaduke is being a real dick about releasing the cat flue vaccine. Somebody is going to make him pay! Probably those Anonymous Hacker guys who are like the greatest Joes and Janes in the world! Totally doing a good job! Pip pip! Keep doing what you're doing which is mostly ignoring me!

Back in Pakistan, President Corn Dog Girl is all, "I'm saying important things and looking cute while doing it!"

This is only Page Sixteen and I feel like I've already read three comic books! More comic books should have this much story. Stupid decompression. I blame the millenials!

The Millenials should really consider changing their label to The Scapegoat Generation. Goats are cool.

As President Corn Dog Girl leaves her meeting with the insurgents (who are only surging for water!), the Russian Robots attack! They kill everyone which, you have to admit, solves the problem. You know what also solves the problem? Giving everybody water, food, and basic necessities. During the attack, President Corn Dog Girl's Tour Jet is shot down! The Ambassador almost dies from cardiac arrest but President Corn Dog Girl thinks fast and has Tabitha the Meat Maker create a heart to use as a transplant! It totally makes sense because the future! It also allows for an awesome cameo!

Yay Carl!

Prez #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is worth more than most comic books because it tells 300% more story. Also the art is fantastic. Also the jokes are funny. Also it comments on our culture and probably makes fun of all the correct people. Insults are so funny but you have to be careful who they're directed at or else they become bullying which is bad. Only bully the people it is socially acceptable to bully! And remember: President Corn Dog Girl is my favorite so you should just move on to somebody else. Oh, who am I kidding? Hardly anybody is reading this comic book so I'm definitely the biggest fan of Corn Dog Girl.

Wasn't this some great entertainment?! And just think: it's only one of fifty pieces that you'll be missing out on once Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea goes Membership Only! Don't think I won't do it! I pretty much write these for myself anyway. What do I care if you're not getting them for free anymore?! Cough up one dollar per month already before you begin missing out! Go to my Patreon site and sign up today! Or later this month. Whatever!

Prez #3

How adorable is Corndog Girl?

I've always had a secret fantasy about being an adorable, perky, cute young girl. It's probably why I was so into Sailor Moon during college. Sometimes I'm not sure if I have a crush on somebody like Corndog Girl or if I just really wish I could be Corndog Girl. Because it's not like I would want to date her or have sex with her or do much more than just look at her and read her comic book adventures. But I definitely would love to be her and then sit in my room for a week exploring my adorable body. So I'm basically doing something worse than objectifying her. I want to be her so that I can ravage myself!

When I think of the weirdness created by sexuality and crushes and growing up and just plain enjoying some cute aspect of another person, I can't help but think of Michelle Trachtenberg. If I watch something like old episodes of Degrassi Junior High, my crush on fourteen year old Caitlin isn't gross because I was fourteen years old back when the show aired. I'm reliving the nostalgia of the crush. Now that she's a forty year old woman, I have a crush on the forty year old Stacie Mistysyn. But I was in my early twenties when I discovered Michelle Trachtenberg on The Adventures of Pete and Pete. Not in a weird pedo way! I thought she was cute and hilarious and adorable! I saw Harriet the Spy because this kid charmed the pants off of me. Then I discovered she was in Buffy one season and I was happy to see Nona was continuing to get work. And now I see her and she's an adorable and sexy grown-ass adult and it's weird because I can't not see that little girl in the cast. It's also weird because I just wish I were Michelle Trachtenberg! Unless that's not weird? That's probably not weird, right?

Um, anyway, last issue, Corndog Girl was elected to the presidency of the United States. Also her father died which is too bad because she could probably have done something about his Cat Flu as the president. We were also introduced to Carl the End-of-Life Bear which is a brilliant idea and would go a long way to cure everyone's fear of death. Unless it just increases everybody's fear of bears.

This issue begins (right after a few pages portraying Smiley Enterprises as an unfeeling, horrible corporation which seems a bit unfair, really) with the President-Elect taking meetings with people suddenly super interested in Corndog Girl.

Based on this alone, she's the best president the United States will ever have.

Prez Rickard stops by to run off the venture capitalist and then usher Beth out of Eugene and into the real world where hemp bracelets can't be used as a down payment on college text books. Rickard is going to be Corndog Girl's vice-president as insurance against assassination since nobody in power wants Rickard in control of anything. He's the comic book version of Bernie Sanders, I guess.

This is how I've always thought of work. Not as how much I'm making but in how much time they're stealing from me. Now that I have my own business, I'm stealing from myself. Fucking bastard.

Manny, an employee of Boss Smiley (who was speaking in that panel up there), is turning out to be a main character or something. It's possible he was in a previous issue but since I didn't develop a crush on him, I can't remember. He'll probably become a member of Beth's cabinet since the scene after Manny goes home with a hurt ankle, betraying Boss Smiley's loyalty for his own concerns over his health, Prez Rickard tells Beth that she can actually fill her presidential cabinet with smart people instead of people to whom she owes favors.

I wonder if Neils deGrasse Tyson knows he's in this comic book?

One thing I find strange about how much Americans seem to hate smart people whom they constantly label as arrogant is that the smart people are usually overly polite and kind even in the face of blatant stupidity. Sagan. Tyson. Bill Nye. Also they're so smart that they can burn the fuck out of somebody without the person realizing how insulted they should suddenly feel. Maybe that's why they get called arrogant? If I were in their position, I'd have a worse reputation as a know-it-all dickface than Richard Dawkins.

Even if this is the version of Gargamel that just needed some mashed up smurf juice so he could turn shit into gold, the premise still holds true.

Meanwhile there's some satire about how dumb Americans are. Although is that really satire at this point?

Manny loses his job because he doesn't take big enough shits to justify his bathroom breaks. That Boss Smiley is a real hard-ass!

And then it's time for the inauguration where Beth meets her biggest government rival, Senator Old Guy Who Has Been Plotting Her Demise!

Oh Beth Ross! If you don't win over the hearts and minds of comic book fans everywhere, comic book fans everywhere have no hearts and minds.

The Bible which Senator Thorn uses to swear Beth into the presidency is Mark Russell's book, God is Disappointed In You. That would work for me. Any book would work for me since the whole swearing on some random holy book means about as much as swearing on a Judy Blume novel.

After Beth is officially the president, she gives a speech that would shame nearly every actual elected government official if they were capable of feeling shame. Then some Open Carry asshole tries to kill her but he's turned into a red smear on the sidewalk because Anonymous hacked into the security bot that was, to Senator Thorn's knowledge, going to be just for show. Suck it, Senator!

And lastly, Beth's grandma sends her a Sexy Frog as a gift for her new job.

Prez #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is an entertaining book that didn't go the route I completely thought it was going to go based on how DC Comics believes "young and hip" stories should be told. You know, throw in a lot of last week's slang and tons of references to doing things online. Instead of trying to be glitzy cool, it's smart and funny and a shame it's only going to be a limited run and missed by a lot of people. I hope word of mouth helps Prez sell a ton of Trades when it's collected because I'd love for this series to be extended into a whole mess of six shots. That would be a good format for DC to continue to use. I'd feel more confident buying a Prez six issue series than picking up a continuously running Superman comic book because it would assure me that an actual story with a beginning, middle, and end is being told. Continuous comics will always, at some point, meander into boring territory or horrible story lines. But if a comic book pitch for a six shot is accepted for publication, it usually means the story impressed enough people to take a chance on it. I hope DC Comics takes a lot of chances on Mark Russell's Beth Ross because this is some fun and intelligent story telling. I think it's what the kids were calling "some sick shit right here" a few weeks ago? Um, also the art is fantastic! Sorry, Ben, if it seems at times I'm ignoring you but realize you're at least 60% of the reason I have a crush on Corndog Girl.

Prez #2

Taco Soldiers are the best soldiers.

This issue begins with Corndog Girl Beth Ross still not president of the United States. She'd better hurry up and win the election because this series only has ten issues left after this! It really can't spend more than two issues getting her elected! Since she isn't in the White House yet, she still has to attend classes at Paris Hilton Community College. That's hot.

While learning about why Rome fell because it probably fits in to the story thematically, her asshole classmates take pictures of her because she's Youtube Famous. Also she's a candidate for the presidency but I have a feeling that's less important.

She's the most adorable character since Maps who was the most adorable character since 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 who was the most adorable character since Vampire Tig (who I still haven't forgotten! I love you Vampire Tig! Please suck me!).

Beth is wearing a Trans-Vaginal Mesh shirt which I'm sure is a band. It's also something that I dare not ask Lord Google about! I probably know enough about it from the constant commercials about how trans-vaginal meshes have destroyed billions of lives and somebody needs to be sued over them.

Beth's father has the dreaded Cat Flu which is worse than Cat Scratch Fever which is actually a real thing and not just a Ted Nugent song. My cousin Jason had it once and he thought he had cancer because it creates a hard lump in your lymph nodes under your chin or on your neck or something. He was really scared until he found out it was Cat Scratch Fever. Everybody was relieved that they didn't have to be sad and could make fun of him instead.

I wish Carl would become the main character in Action Comics.

Carl the End-of-Life Bear appears for a total of six panels and he's way more interesting than Superman has been for two and a half years! I think I might want to fuck him.

Beth's father begins to hallucinate but it sounds a lot like wisdom and encouragement so Carl the End-of-Life Bear holds off on mauling him to death. Dad is all, "Beth! Your brain is brainy! Go get it!" Then Carl the End-of-Life Bear gives Beth's dad some Banana Pudding and Beth's dad dies. I think maybe Beth has a lawsuit against the hospital! Although I think if you eat anything from somebody with the title "End-of-Life," it's your own fault. No lawyer in the world can defend that kind of stupidity. Although I would probably smoke some of Carl's Mary Juana. I bet Carl would be the best friend ever. I'd totally suck his dick.

Why don't animal peeners have hair on them? That's probably proof of Intelligent Design. God was all, "I can't hide those hot little pink lipsticks with hair! Will Pablo Picasso cover his masterpiece, the Mona Lisa, in feces?! No way!" Then God remembered Picasso will be hanging around that Gertrude person a lot and decide that the Mona Lisa probably needed a better model and decided that other guy would paint it. Whatever his name was. Probably one of the Ninja Turtles, right?

Man, if you believe in God, I probably think you're dumb. Now hold on! I know that sounds arrogant! But just wait until you stop believing in God! You'll realize how stupid you were to believe in God and you'll think, "Oh yeah! Hey! Tess was right!"

You know the best way to get somebody to believe in God? Destroy their life when they don't believe in God! You know the best way to get somebody to stop believing in God? Destroy their life when they do believe in God!

Meanwhile in the House of Representatives, the vote for president continues to fail to pick a winner. But Corndog Girl is gaining ground because all the representatives have begun to vote for Corndog Girl so they can negotiate with the other candidates for their votes. But they hold out too long and Corndog Girl winds up president of the United States. Tacos for everyone!

Carl! Make that seven panels he appears in!

A guy named Preston Rickard picks up Beth before she can be mobbed by reporters at the grave of her dad. He's going to be Beth's Yoda because he's been through this before. I mean almost been through this before! Sometimes fans of certain comic books have to forget that they know things because of those comic books. They have to shut their stupid holes and just take it. Prez offers to be Beth's vice president because everybody apparently hates Preston Rickard more than Corndog Girl. Although they don't really hate Corndog Girl! They just hate the idea of her being president. I don't know why! If she were giving a State of the Union speech, I'd finally sit through one!

Also, I bet Preston "Prez" Rickards is working for Boss Smiley! Somebody has to be!

Prez #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Guess how many Narration Boxes this comic book has? Zero! Now guess how good it is? The opposite of zero! I think that math proves that using Narration Boxes is lazy and never, ever needed to write a good comic book. The art is super duper cute. And the story is actually story-like! If you are not reading this comic book, I weep for humanity.

Prez #1

I can't wait for all of the references to social media and apps and constant cell phone usage! That means youth!

The writer, Mark Russell, is my age and seems to be as fascinated with The Bible as I am. He has a book out called God is Disappointed in You which is a casual retelling of The Bible with cartoons by Too Much Coffee Man's Shannon Wheeler. I will (most likely) soon have an ebook out tentatively titled "Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs." That will probably change. It goes a bit more in-depth in my reading of The Bible since Mark Russell's book retells the entire Bible in about three hundred pages. I've got three hundred pages alone on Genesis. But that's good for me! Because I can publish one study guide for each book of The Bible which means more money! Although I don't have Shannon Wheeler doing any art for it. Maybe I can get Gerhard to do some stuff. What's he been doing since Cerebus wrapped up?

My point is that Mark Russell is writing a teenager and he's my age. Which means he'll be pretty good at it because I'm excellent at catching the flavor and nuance of teenage language! Here's an example:

Teen #1: "I was talking with this guy the other night."
Teen #2: "What did you talk about?"
Teen #1: "No. We were talking talking."
Teen #2: "Oh right! Did you use protection?"
Teen #1: "No! We were talking talking talking!"
Teen #2: "I'm confused. Can we just go back to using language that actually describes what we were doing instead of describing something we were not doing which winds up being something different every time?"
Teen #1: "Hashtag no."

Spot on, right?! I hope Mark Russell captures the majesty and wonder of being a teenager the way I do!

The story takes place in 2036 where old men still run the country but they somehow know how to use "pocket drones" and "camera eyes" and "cell phones." So far this is pure science fiction! I bet they can even pop boners without pills and they don't constantly hit on their interns! A group of senators called "The Colonels" are having a secret meeting. I bet it's to whine about how they have to take orders from a young girl whose first executive order was that everybody had to register to vote under their Hogwarts' house!

Apparently the president isn't a teenage girl yet. The Colonels are meeting to come up with a candidate whom they can manipulate and control. Most of their potential candidates have either turned out to be too gay or too well-documented while they were enjoying their youth. They eventually choose a Christian that eats hot dogs like he's fellating the other candidates. Apparently in the future, nobody can be president because our lives have become too well-documented and America is still hung up on pretending to believe their elected leaders are temptation denying, heterosexual, god-fearing teetotalers. As if that's ever been the case.

Meanwhile in Eugene, Oregon, the place furthest away from giving a fuck about politics, the future president appears!

Oh, she's adorable. I'd vote for her!

I bet I could have been president at her age too! I once threw a block of lard in an empty, still turned on Kentucky Fried Chicken deep fryer and it exploded into flames! Man, I wish that place had burned down that day!

Meanwhile on host Amber Wave's show on DCNN, Senator Jay Thorn proves that conservatives are still more worried about the fraction of people cheating the food stamp system instead of giving any fucks about the people who actually need the program. If people who claim they believe in Christian values actually believed in Christian values then they wouldn't care about the percentage of people who cheat the system. People will always cheat every system. The senators in power cheat the fucking system all the time and they just call it their job. A real Christian would simply feel sorry for those taking advantage of the system. Those people are cheating themselves out of a quality life. But that's their choice. It's not our responsibility to take the free ride away simply so that they'll pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Even without the system, they'll find some other way to cheat themselves out of living a fulfilling life. But a much higher percentage of people need the system, and use it as, a safety net to protect them from tough times and to help them get back on their feet. Those are the people Christians should be worried about. Stop trying to be the Bootstrap Police and simply concentrate on the people who need help. Oh wait. My entire argument is invalid because the real reason conservatives want to end any program that helps the needy is because they're greedy, vengeful assholes who just can't bear it if one single person in the United States of America is using their taxes in a way in which they disapprove because they fucking worked hard for that money, Goddammit!

But this Senator Thorn is suggesting Taco Drones which sounds good to me! I'm in!

In the future, people can vote via Twitter. Presidential candidates are forced to campaign on Vlogs or Videocasts or YouTube Channels or Redtube streams or whatever currently has the most viewers in every state. It's campaigning for the future! Which is probably why Beth Ross is going to win the presidency because the Corndog Girl video is hitting its viral peak during elections and she's going to get a fucktonload of write-ins. I'm sure the runner-up will still be that fucking kid whining about Charlie biting his goddamn finger.

Beth needs to make some money to save her dad who has The Future Flu. It's more deadly than even Past Flu which was pretty deadly. Heck Present Flu is no picnic either! She tries to go on a show called Double-Dare Billionaire but doesn't make it on because some other kid wins by shooting himself in the leg. It's not as gruesome as what goes on in the Big Brother house on a daily basis though, so at least entertainment has improved in the future.

This guy obviously hasn't been paying attention to the power of the internet to vote on stupid shit like the names of local bridges and flavors of potato chips.

Even Mark Russell has some misbegotten trust in the electoral system somehow being more powerful than the internet because in his fictional story, Corndog Girl (Beth Ross!) only wins Ohio. But anyway, because of her win, no candidate gets enough electoral votes to win the presidency. That means it's up to the House of Representatives to vote on the winner. Although we all know who really runs America, don't we?! Yes, Big Business! In a secret CEO Meeting at Build-a-Burger Headquarters, Boss Smiley tells the other CEOs how it's really going to be: Corndog Girl in 2036!

Prez #1 Rating: Where's the like button on this site? How do I give this comic book affirmation without a gorram like button?! I guess I have to use words? Okay then. I think Beth Ross is an adorable and likeable character. She's selfless and tenacious and her hair looks great and the freckles are really cute. I was worried about how "cool" this comic book was going to try to be but it's got quite a bit of that Transmetropolitan colorful fun wacky future flair. And I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by the appearance of Boss Smiley as the behind the scenes master manipulator who's going to be Beth's Fremesis but there I was! Surprised! And excited. This is a solid book that looks to be a lot of fun and has a platform to comment on lots of social issues. I mean, Mark Russell has already solved the food stamp problem. How soon can we get these Taco Drones in the air?

Convergence: Infinity Inc. #1

I remember this issue!

About three in the morning, my downstairs neighbors began arguing with each other. Apparently the guy tried to slip his dick into her ass while they were fucking and she wasn't having any of it. At first I thought it was just my view of the world that made me interpret what I was hearing as an argument about buttsecks but then she said a few things that confirmed it like "It hurts!" and "You don't get it. You put your body inside of my body!" and "I have never had anything up there! I should know! It's my body!" and, most particularly, "Don't stick it in my ass!" His voice was just a deep rumble so I couldn't hear him but it seems like he was trying to convince her to go with it and then thought maybe the way to get her to say yes was to point out how other guys have fucked her in the ass which, according to her vehement reaction, wasn't true. At one point I thought I might have to either throw on some pants and go down to make sure she was okay or call the cops but she never sounded frightened just thoroughly pissed off at him. It was when I could finally hear him say, "You're my girlfriend! I'm not trying to rape you! I could go to jail!" (because that, of course, is the only reason not to rape, amirite?!) that I realized I might actually have to get involved. But she, still sounding firmly in control, loudly and forcefully told him to get out of her apartment three or four times after each of his mumbles. Then the door slammed and that was it. I'm sure they've already called each other this morning and made up. They yell at each other a lot between bouts of sex. Seems like a fun couple!

Seems to me that if you ever have to convince your partner that you're not trying to rape them, you're probably an asshole.

The issue begins with some people watching a performance of The Tempest. Why does it always seem to be that play which writers choose to use in their stories? It's probably the play I'm least familiar with. Although this time I get it! The players are transported to and trapped on a crazy island! Just like the characters in Earth-2 Metropolis have been trapped under a dome! And some guy named Caliban is important for some reason or other!

Oh! And if I didn't get it, the Silver Scarab points it out for me! Thanks, Hector!

The entire team has gathered to watch Jade's performance as Miranda. That's heavy handed as well because, you see, Miranda is a daughter and Jade is also a daughter! I don't know if I can remember the names of all of the Infinity Inc kids. I remember Sylvester Pemberton as the Star Spangled Kid and Starman's kid. And Hector Hall as the Silver Scarab and Hawkman's kid. And Hippolyta Hall (unless she wasn't married to Hector yet) as Fury and Wonder Woman's kid. And Todd Rice as Obsidian and Green Lantern's kid. And Jade Scott (except her first name was something else (and also her last name!)) as Jade and Obsidian's twin. And Big Lunk as Nuklon and The Atom's kid. And I can't remember Northwind's name at all or whose kid he was! I also may have gotten some of that information wrong. I never owned any Infinity Inc books. I just read my cousin's copies.

Todd has brought a "friend" along because remember how gay he turned out to be?! I don't think he came out until after Infinity Inc was cancelled, right? So they're playing the "just a friend" scene backstage to show how the whole team knew he was gay already anyway.

After the play, Jade heads off to find Brainwave Junior who missed her play. He lives in a rough part of town because he's a drunk. I guess he couldn't handle losing his powers. Unless he was a drunk before because he couldn't handle having his powers. Unless he was just a drunk because he liked drinking so much. Since it's a rough neighborhood, she's followed by a couple of thugs that took up thugging because they're nice guys that women never noticed because women don't realize that when somebody is nice and thoughtful, they deserve sex.

I don't understand how being nice is supposed to get you laid anyway! Isn't being sexy what gets you laid?! You know what also helps? Being confident and useful and independent! If you like somebody and you can't get their sexual attention by being nice to them, you should rescue some children from a burning building. They'll be all, "Let me take your pants off for you so I can put my mouth against your thingy!" But when you're nice to them, they just say, "Thank you! How sweet and kind you are!" See how my hypothetical situation involving being nice didn't result in getting laid? How could I have written that unless it isn't true? If you want sex, be sexy and confident. If you want romance, show yourself to be useful and independent. If you want to be an angry nice guy, keep playing Magic the Gathering and living with your parents.

Don't get mad at me for the Magic the Gathering comment! I play Magic the Gathering and I've had sex close to five times! But that's because I don't live with my parents. See how that works?

I call these guys thugs. It's funny but until all the recent hubbub about the word "thug", I only ever thought of the word in the context of comic book henchmen and black and white fifties crime movies. But it's totally used as a racist term now. If you're not talking about comic books, of course.

The word thug is a good example of how I've pointed out that the word "retard" will eventually be put to rest but the next polite term which we use for mentally handicapped people (I don't currently know what that is!) will just replace retard as a slur and we'll just have to think up a new one. It isn't that the word retard has any inherent negative connotations to it. It's just that mentally handicapped people were called mentally retarded because their mental growth was retarded for one reason or another. And since we called mentally handicapped people mentally retarded because that was the decided upon term, people began calling other people who weren't mentally handicapped "retarded" as an insult. So no matter what we call mentally handicapped people, some people will turn that term into an insult and we'll be back to square one. That's what thug has become. It absolutely, in certain circles, has become the new way to say nigger. Which is really fucking weird if you're a comic book fan because we all know thugs are the guys Batman beats up without any trouble on his way to get the leader. Are my thug Heroclix going to be deemed racist now?

Jade beats up the blond thug and tells his friend Choochie to take him home before the Citizen's Patrol picks them up. Jade's a fucking narc, man. She's probably going to take her drunk and unconscious friend Henry to an intervention now.

Oh yeah! It was Hippolyta Trevor! And then I think she hyphenated after the marriage?

The rest of the team are going about their daily lives when Telos breaks in with a special announcement. Infinity Inc gets to fight!

Because of this whole doming thing, does that mean Hippolyta and Hector's son Daniel will never be born and will never become the next Dream of The Endless?!

Apparently the team got a note that they would be heading to Hex's city to battle the Dogs of War. Since Hex comes from a weird post-apocalyptic future, they might be real dogs. The team hops in their spaceship and heads out to battle.

Sorry you guys drew this lot, Infinity. I'm going to have to side with Hex on this one.

Hex and Sylvester trade a couple of lines before Hex's pal Centurion screams, "Centurion shall draw first blood!" He then shoots some blasts out of his hands. Turning the page, the next panel has Hex explaining what happened. He says, "Well, Roman--ya blasted their ship ta pieces, and took out the fancy-pants with one shot." I guess Jerry and Ben (you might be thinking Ice Cream right now but I'm thinking Twin Peaks) ran out of room while scripting and drawing the comic book! I bet there was supposed to be a page with the blast hitting the ship and ship exploding and crashing into the ground. Or it was always meant to be this idiotic.

And that's pretty much how it ends. Infinity has once again found themselves in a shitty situation. At least this time it doesn't involve a bunch of tangled relationships and junior high school drama. It just involves possibly being killed in a plane crash. Next issue, Jonah Hex will probably shoot and kill them all.

Convergence: Infinity Inc #1 Rating: This issue, more than most of the others, has made me realize exactly what is wrong with Convergence. One twenty-two page issue isn't enough space to revisit Infinity Inc. It really isn't enough space to revisit any of these old characters which is one of the main problems with this Convergence deal. With all the space that's wasted with the Multiversal Thunderdome plot, and the characters having to talk about life under the dome, readers don't really get much time to reacquaint themselves with their old friends. I really appreciate the books that have spent most of the first issue trying to tell a story that avoids the dome and the Convergence as much as possible. The first few pages of this book captured a bit of that drama I expect from Infinity. Too bad that stuff didn't fill the book.

Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special #1

This is why The Joker is trying to kill off The Batman.

Happy Valentine's Day! Remember how everybody you know probably made some kind of Friday the 13th joke about Valentine's Day this year? That was pretty funny! Pretend I said the funniest line you remember. Go ahead. Just attribute it to me. Any time you think, "I wonder who said that witty, wonderful, and charming thing?", just convince yourself it was Tess who said it! It probably was anyway!

The issue begins with Harley Quinn imitating Jack Sparrow. But some killjoy comes up and tells her to try acting like everybody else and to stop endangering her own life by having fun. His philosophy probably has something to do with living as long as humanly possible no matter how fucking boring and mundane that life is. Me? I want to go out in a big flaming explosion of doughnuts and blow jobs! Preferably blow jobs being performed on me but I'll take what I can get as long as their are doughnuts and explosions as well.

On second thought, I'd like to live through that. Please don't make me die ever.

How many crap jokes is this poor guy going to have to endure?

Over in Gotham City which is a totally different place than New York (somehow), Bruce Wayne learns that he's to be auctioned off for charity. Some lucky lad or lady is going to pay to go on a date with Bruce Wayne! It will just be dinner, of course. Unless the winner is hot enough to extend dinner into a night of rough fucking. And if she's super duper hot and intelligent and artsy, Bruce may even confide in her about his secret life as Batman and she can look forward to a horrible untimely demise at the hands of one of The Batman's many enemies! Perhaps The Mighty Carp?

The big twist surprise that nobody was expecting comes on the next page where Harley learns about Bruce Wayne's charity date and decides she needs to win the auction so she can break off a piece of Kit-Catwoman's Bat. Harley calls Tony up to plan a few robberies targeting some of the most vile people in America. You know, the rich ones that got rich by any means necessary. The ones that grew up realizing that the easiest way to win Monopoly was to be the banker and just fucking steal as much money out of the bank as possible while nobody else was looking. And then lie about where all the money came from!

Is this foreshadowing for the jokes at the Mighty Carp's expense later? I mean other than just being true. Napping and crapping are some spectacular activities.

Harley falls asleep and we learn that Harley's beaver talks in her sleep. That's weird.

Harley dreams about a life with Bruce Wayne. She dreams about herself in a polo outfit and diamond underwear and a bikini and an evening gown. It's a shame she isn't dreaming about a life with Pamela Isley. Then Poison Ivy could be in a polo outfit and diamond underwear and a bikini and an evening gown! But instead she dreams about Bruce who wants so many kids that she kills and eats him and flushes him down the toilet (after pooping him out of her behind). I guess napping while dreaming about crapping is as good as it gets. But Harley doesn't like the talk of children, so she wakes up in a cold sweat. People only ever have a cold sweat when they have a nightmare or when their spouse is about to talk to the person they've been fucking behind their spouse's back.

After waking from the nightmare, her beaver hasn't quite gotten enough so it suggests she think sexy thoughts and go back to sleep to try again. Maybe this time she'll dream about Poison Ivy and Harley's beaver will be satisfied.

Yay! Somebody's waking up with goopy underwear!

Later that night, Tony and Harley take an Ice Cream Truck and head out to rob some rich asshole that totally isn't based on some other rich asshole. It doesn't take long because Harley beats the guy with a bat and smashes a Ming vase over his head and breaks his kneecaps with a hammer. And that was all after the guy tells them where he keeps his money! Um, mostly. I guess the first thing she did was hit him with the bat while saying this really hilarious pun that I can't even remember now. But oh boy was it a good one!

Meanwhile The Carp has acquired a sidekick named Sea Robin and a magical formula that allows him to leap great distances. Like a carp, I guess. He has yet to hear a crap joke. But then, he's yet to run into Harley as well.

I guess everybody attending the event expected a few of the bidders to get this out of control since nobody seems to care about the woman bleeding out in the middle of the ballroom.

Harley tries to stop The Carp from robbing the place but is laid out by a Taser net. Then Bruce Wayne is covered in Puffer Fish poison and begins to hallucinate a life with Harley Quinn. I'm beginning to sense a pattern with these Harley Quinn One Shots!

Harley figures that if she's sleeping with Batman, she might as well be his new Robin. I didn't mean for that to sound as perverse as it does. Oh, what the heck. Yes I did. The Dynamic Doing It With Each Other have a case to solve that involves Catwoman stealing some cat thing! How despicable!

Hopefully Harley doesn't investigate all the names in that little Black Book because I bet most of them are dead and that would make things weird between her and Batman.

Bruce Wayne wakes up to find himself kidnapped by The Carp who wants five million dollars in ransom or Bruce Wayne dies. Using his greatest detective skills, it looks like Bruce is going to find out that Carp wants to use the money for a good reason and will end up cutting him a check for his freedom. But maybe not before Harley mounts a rescue attempt that will fail spectacularly! At least she's bringing in Poison Ivy to help out. So if she doesn't get to fuck Bruce, she'll definitely be fucking Pamela.

Harley goes in alone with tear gas just as Bruce strikes a deal with The Carp. Hopefully she doesn't kill The Sea Robin with a crowbar because that might fuck Bruce up a little bit.

This was cute and made up for the part where Harley said, "Squeeee."

After the "rescue," Harley and Bruce go on their date where Bruce learns that Harley is really turning her life around. At least the parts of her life she admits to. I notice she doesn't mention the crap catapult or the occasional mindless killing.

The exact moment The Joker decided Batman needed to finally die.

No wait! Maybe this was the exact moment!

Apparently Batman practices kissing like a cold fish when he's in the cowl. That's why Catwoman likes him so much! You know? Because cats like fish! Batman must also spray some kind of Bat-De-Cologne-ifier on himself when he puts on the costume, especially immediately after going on a date as Bruce Wayne.

Harley Quinn basically tells Batman to get the fuck off of her building and fly back to "his" stupid fucking city. He threatens to stalk her and then flies away happy that he took bad kissing lessons.

Harley Quinn Valentine's Day Special #1 Rating: Hasn't Harley reached critical mass yet? I wonder if it's the success of this title that made DC Comics see the error of their ways in selling continuity to their fans. This title has next to no ties with the regular DC Universe and yet it sells like flapjacks on a day when people are really hungry for flapjacks. This along with Batgirl's new upbeat makeover and Gotham Academy's super fricking fucking cuteness overload may have awakened DC Comics to the possibility that fun, whimsical comics are a good thing. They can still have dark and desperate in some titles. But not every fucking title has to be a huge boner killer. I'm really looking forward to the June makeover, especially if they keep The New 52 universe but allow for some major flexibility with stories in other universes. They don't all have to take place in the same universe, guys! You've got 52 of them! Maybe one of them should be a world where every person but Barbara Gordon is in a wheelchair! They can all be computer whizzes and she can't even figure out a calculator! Not even one of those programmable ones which overconfident parents often buy their kids only to realize later that their kids don't even know what most of the buttons mean.