Futures End: Justice League #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs thunked tryin' ta survive in Old York 'midst da lower voices mit dere love of thievery und murder was difficult. She forgettem how hard being on dat dusty road were, sees? Gotsta constant worry bouts feeds und gasses fer da vehicle und bandits und mutative raccoons. Forgot how much fun it were too if'n ya well prepared! Und dese guys Goggles tooked out back in her skydyhole, dey had lotsa lotsa ammunition fer der big bangers, which now am Gogg's big bangers, sees? Food ain't been a prob yet. Goggles been high stocked fer long minutes ready ta take a quick powder, sees? Plus she gots a small army, dis point. Dem lower voices been streamin' outta Old York like da lubrication down a young'ns leg kissin' her firs crush, sees? Und Goggles been collectin' em all up acause wes gots places ta go und fings ta do und hell ta face. Eventually. Maybe. Maybe we decide later whevver er nah we gonna face dat hell, ja? 'Til den, wes all gonna make a little jaunt ta Reading City und collect up dem Deep Stacks and dere deep stack of knowits. Mayhap we gonna corpse us some Long Boxers jess fer da pure pleasures of it too, sees?

Ja, ja. Goggles knowsit! She gonna make a place fer peace und love und all dat hooey 'ventualy. But some peeps, ya jess ain't gonna be ables ta live mit no matters what. So fucks em, see? Fucks em und take alla all dere fun fun littyrapture books fer gute measure.

Dis week, Goggles gots part two dat story bout dem dumb dumb Justice Leaguers what knew dey weres strollin' updown inta some trap y still fuckin' kept traipsining right along. Now we gonna read 'bout how dey all corpse it, right? Teach em a lesson, it would.

Well, some duster bester corpse some uvver duster soon or Old Goggs gonna bet bored mit all dis posturing.

Dis fuckity Captain Atom gonna talk like he da master of everting und he can do whatevem he pleases acause he be all kindsa powerful. But den he grow up all bigbig y threaten everduster's life if'n dey donna let him git offa Mars. If'n youse can control alla dat unyversem matter den donna youse fink ya can git offa dis here planet? Fuckin' bonger. Aspeakin' of bongers, dis duster be completely naked und he ain't got nuffin' 'tween his legs. Dis guy can shapes his body up however he want to, so he got big muscles und a tight abdomens und a tighter ass but he ain't gonna gives hisself a big ol' cock? Who am dis guy? I loves my vagina but I pobably swing out some gantic bonger jess ta intimidates alla dem good guys.

Ever duster fights y fights while dey jess keeps on talkin' y talkin'. Somedust, I jess wisht dey'd all jess shut up und punch each ovver ta death if'n dey've decided punchin' am da way ta go. Goggs ain't never been in a battle mit some duster tryin' ta corpse her where she thunked da best fing ta do was ta philosophize mit her enemy. If dese peeps thunked dey could reason fings out, why dey fightin'? Jess do one or da ovver, ja?

No fate be worse den being corpsed, ya psycho monkey.

I figger dat ape jess a dumb monkey und he donna know any better. But why dusters almays gotta trots out dat whole "fate worse than death" garbage? When ya corpsed, dat's it. Dere ain't nuffin' more lef', sees? So dat's da worstest fate dere is. If ya still be livin' but in some kinda despicable, horrid conditions, well...at least ya ain't dead, sees? Some fates mightem be "as bad as death," like maybe bein' brain dead or sumfin. But no fate is worse. How can a fate be worse den not existin', feels me? Da monkey continues sayin' dat it took him many round trips ta break free from da mind controls. Well, do ya fink ya coulda broked free from bein' dead affer a few round trips? No, ya Mope. So sees? Dat weren't a fate worse den death at all acause ya had hope of changin' it! I guess monkeys ain't been known fer dere skills mit metaphysical finking.

Finally, dat alien guy gits free und puts da telepathos whammy on dat Captain Atom so dat he gits stuck in dreamsland. Captain Atom gits ta be at home again und be human again und not be dat big cosmic monster he'd become. Now dat kind of visit ta dreamsland, Old Goggs wouldna mind. Give back my old world ta me fer until I dies und I be happy ta sleep dat big sleep minute affer minute, round trip affer round trip. Slong as Old Goggs didna haff ta wake backs up in The Dusty Stretches, she be lovin' da idea of gittin' stuck in da dreamsland. But since dis shit what she gonna haveta wakes up ta ever single day, she jess hopin' when she sleep, she donna fuckin' dreams.

Hmm. Dat's it fer dis week acause dis here fun fun book was kinda pointless. Lotsa lotsa fightin' over gittin' off dat damned Mars but none a dat fightin' had ta take place at all. Dey could haff jess left dem badbads ta rot since none of dem could gits past dat shields. I guessin' dat Captain Atom desperate 'nuff ta kill everduster, so mayhaps it be a gute ting dey took dat trips, specially fer dat alien guy. But he gonna stay on dat planet all lonesome like takin' care a dem prisoners real nice like acause he a good guy. Also Mars be his home, so mayhap he telepathosing all hims ancestors or sumfin. Mayhap wit dem telepathos powers, he can have seance sex mit dem ghosts of his ancestors. He bang bang bangin' in his mind while dem prisoners all dreamin' dey in dere happy places too. Dat fuckin' alien jess usin' dis prison as a rationalization fer escapin' life. It like his drug, dat prison, sees? Also, mayhap he don't fuckity like humans no more acause dey stink or sumfin.

Goddess be wif ya all if'n dats what ya wants. I say ya should wants it acause she gives you shit fer practical free right here in dis life! But ya free ta do what ya wants, sees? Anydust, gonna be in Reading City in a week or two cause we takin' fings slow. Hope dem Long Boxers jess keep ta dere hidey holes whilst we clear out dem Deep Stacks. Wisht us luck, ja? Und youse lower voices in Reading City? Git ready ta join up und den burn it all down. We gots a world ta build.