Batwoman #32

Batwoman vs. Vampirebatwoman! Fight to the...orgasm?!

This issue begins in faux media res which means it starts off with one strike against it. It is the opinion of any intelligent comic book reader (a rare creature indeed!) that comic books should begin somewhere (anywhere!) and continue from there. Perhaps a few flashbacks or reminiscences along the way but the story should continue along from the point of page one. Instead, comic books like to show a hero getting their ass handed to them on page one and then begin the actual story on page two until the plot catches up to that first page which the comic book then, generally, repeats. I suppose a writer might defend himself with some kind of bullshit about exploded narratives or non-sequential, non-linear story telling. But as I noted so eloquently when I called it bullshit, that's bullshit. Because once the story really begins on page two, it just begins a linear, sequential, unexploded life until the final page. And if that's the case, I've got a novel idea! Just begin with page two! Let the cover be the exciting lure to get the reader into the story. You don't need an action packed page one to get the reader interested.

I know what you're thinking! How often have you picked up a comic book and were faced with dialogue on the first page? What a bummer, right?! Where's the action? Will this comic book even have any? Is it going to be all talking and fat Claremont sized Narration boxes?! How many times have you put down a comic book because you were already bored by page one simply because no knuckles were busting chops? I can answer only for myself: I have no boxes full of comic books I've never read simply because they didn't engage the primal, violent part of my brain on page one! Although I do have shelves packed with independent comic books that are full of great characters and nearly no violence at all!

Oh shit! Don't stop reading! Look! Violence! Dammit. I should have begun with this image!

Just think how much better Moby Dick would have been if it began with the encounter with the great white whale! Ahab would be all, "Smile you son of a bitch!" and then the book would continue, "Thirty six hours earlier. Call me Ishmael."

The issue truly begins at a children's charity carnival where Kate Kane runs into Sophie, an old fuckbuddy from her days at West Point. It seems Sophie's going to be working in Gotham so that she can come in between Maggie and Kate! It's not like that little fucking prick Jaime isn't already ruining things. I wish she'd just get hit by a train already.

Sophie just happens to be dating the daughter of the dead husband of Nocturna, so that's probably how she and Batwoman will wind up kissing and doing other lesbian activities like holding hands and scrapbooking. Since Kate is already feeling like Maggie is pushing her away, she's ripe for a little non-fiancée poontang.

Nine pages in and no action?! Good thing that first page satisfied my bloodlust. Otherwise I'd have to make due with a trip to the carnival and a visit to the psychiatrist and a half-naked man training. My attention is beginning to wander!

Oh wait! My attention is back! Although now I have to go repress myself.

Nocturna heads out to steal some grail for her to drink her morning blood out of. And by a crazy coincidence, Batwoman is out on patrol looking to beat the living crap out of something! Or unliving crap, if the only creatures she can find are vampires.

Batwoman tries to stop Nocturna but then page one happens and Batwoman is knocked out cold. But Batwoman shouldn't worry too much that she failed since Sophie's girlfriend called in the Pest Control to take care of Nocturna. Unless it's somebody else she wants killed with a similar name since Natalia Matternacht isn't Nocturna's name at all! Well, it's damn close. I guess I can forgive her for getting it wrong. Although when you want somebody assassinated, I think the name is kind of important. Anyway, this is her friend from Pest Control:

I find the name derivative and uninspired. My guess is he doesn't last two issues.

Batwoman #32 Rating: No change. Even with the loss of one of the greatest creative teams in the history of people teaming up with other people, I'm still thoroughly enjoying this comic book. I like the way it handles the beats. You know what I mean by the beats? It's like how Kate Kane is all enjoying a day at the carnival and then suddenly she's shitting herself that Maggie doesn't love her anymore and then she's on patrol looking to fuckfight somebody. And still we get a bit of insight into some other characters as well. Although I wish I'd never met Killshot. That guy's had nearly no panel time and I already think he's a major fucktwat. I think "fucktwat" is the South London equivalent of "douchebag." I also could be wrong since I don't know anything about South London.

New Guardians #32

The Psions? Those were the Guardians pet lizard people!

The Psions are a race of emotionally stunted lizard people that love to experiment on other creatures and hate to remember that they were created through experimentation. They've repressed the cultural memory of their origin so severely that whenever a child Psion asks his parents where he came from, they immediately kill and eat him and forget that they ever had a child. Then they find a new planet and grab a few new creatures from that planet and begin trying to turn them into gods, wondering the entire time what all the salty leakage from their eyes is about.

Kyle Rayner will get along great with the Psions since he's got a lot of repressed memories sitting around repressing themselves inside his brain. From this moment on, I'm going to use "repressing myself" as a euphemism for masturbation.

The issue begins with some Psions dealing with...well, something they can't rightly remember but it probably has to do with that extra room of the house with the tiny bed in it. What was that for again?

I guess the Oan protecting the Fuzzy Wuzzem is Zeppo, the missing Bohemian Guardian. It also might be Elric of Melniboner.

Melniboner. I'm such a goddamned child.

Quaros (the Bohemian Guardian that I previously referred to as "Zeppo" when I couldn't think of his name) gets kidnapped by the Psions right along with all of the Fuzzy Wuzzems. As I was updating my list of what planets are in which sectors, I noticed one of my entries which proves that I write this shit purely for myself since nobody was going to see this entry but me. It was for Sector 2813 and reads:

Planets:
1. Krypton. Just kidding! It's gone!
2. The space where Krypton used to be!

While Kyle Rayner is off not existing and battling planets, Carol Ferris and the Bohemian Guardians continue to hunt for Quaros.

By this logic (and what is a Guardian if not pure logic?), Kyle Rayner is more powerful than a Bohemian Guardian. It's possible that has already been pointed out. I have trouble processing information which I've previously completely ignored.

The Bohemian Guardians come up with a plan to find Quaros. They hold hands and then explode.

Do comic book characters often take the Lord's name in vain? Disgusting!

Apparently the hand holding explosion plan worked because the Bohemian Guardians now know where Quaros is being held. It's a huge ship filled with Space Sharks and Squid Drills and Manta Spaceboards. The Psions have been quite busy repressing stuff. What the Bohemian Guardians don't know (but should because this is true of everything, including blind dates and family gatherings) is that they're walking into a trap. And Carol Ferris follows right along because she doesn't know what else to do. I suppose once she's being experimented on, Kyle Rayner will feel it in his heart or soul or whatever part of the male human body feels love. Oh! The penis!

Nobody can resist falling into a good trap.

Just as the Psions are moving in to capture Ferris and the Fuzzy Wuzzem that has been turned inside out and made into a cybernetic Fuzzy Wuzzem assassin begins ominously approaching Carol, Kyle Rayner appears out of a rip in space-time! And that's his only appearance in the entire comic book. So you know, this issue was better than most.

New Guardians #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad that New Guardians has surgically removed itself from the cascading crossovers of the Green Lantern Universe. And since this comic book isn't called "Kyle Rayner, New Guardian" but instead "Green Lantern New Guardians," he doesn't even need to be in it very often. It's really about the Bohemian Guardians now, right?! And Carol Ferris! Kyle could have continued to not exist and I probably wouldn't have even noticed.

Pandora #12

Why is there an interrobang after "death"? It's not like adding "death" to the end of the phrase "battle to the" is a surprise! Now if it were "battle to the orgasm," it might call for an interrobang.

Sometime during the last issue, Pandora had her regenerative powers negated by SHADE agent, Agent Kincaid (who is a werecrow (and a white woman (and a horrible person))). Then Vandal Savage arrived to take advantage of Pandora's sudden vulnerability.

This issue begins with Marcus Aurelius forgetting to say something really wise before he dies.

"Aaaargle baaarrrggle" isn't the most memorable final saying but I suppose it's hard to come up with anything good when your neck is broken.

Pandora tries to save him with some of her World Merging power. Unless the power she used was her Visiting Sad Places power. It could also have been her First Issue Cameo power. Whichever power she uses, she fails. But I think she's able to channel Marcus's actual last words in Runespeak! They're much better than "Aaaargle baaarrrggle"!

His very wise final words are these: "F yo eyes, punk!" So beautiful.

A battle ensues and for the first time since The New 52 began, I'm not enjoying Vandal Savage. He's been written so well in all of his other appearances and now he's just a douche teasing Pandora because she's sad about losing Marcus. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with him teasing her because she's shown weakness. All weakness should be attacked and mocked. Why else would they teach that experience in high school if it wasn't an important value to our society? If it was a bad thing, teachers and other students would step in when someone is humiliated for showing any sign of weakness. So I'm not upset that Vandal is teaching Pandora that crying is for stupid jerks. I'm upset at the below par cleverness of his taunts. They're repetitive and weak. Somebody should come along and start hassling Vandal Savage for using such weak insults. That'll show him.

Oh. There we go! Nice one, Werecrow!

Agent Kincaid's one-liner might not seem that witty but it's fitting. She brings the whole love is weak thing back around and turns it on its head when she makes Vandal weak while expressing SHADE's love for him. It's a bit sloppy but I get the point! And now the playing field is even between Pandora and Vandal.

Once Vandal gets beat up a bit and is tossed from the top of the building, he begins to regain some of his devilish pomposity. Agent Kincaid and Pandora also fall from the building though, and they take it a lot worse than Vandal. I think his anger and his arrogance are what fuel his immortality and there isn't a creature on Earth that can battle against the force of his will.

I bet people think Vandal Savage would be a great lay after all his years and experience on Earth. But I bet he's the worst. He probably treats all intercourse as just another method of masturbation and satisfying his own needs.

Savage toys with Pandora a bit more before she repeats Marcus's last words and blinds him. Of course that only stalls him for a few seconds to allow Agent Kincaid to step in and threaten Pandora. Wait, what? What kind of stupid move is that?! Pandora is broken and dying and not a threat at all at this point! Yet Vandal Savage seems as strong as when the battle began. Point the gun at him, you stupid morphy!

Sorry! Sorry! I let my passion get the best of me. I apologize for using a shapeshifter slur. I don't know what got into me. I've never used the M-word before in my life! I know an apology isn't going to make up for all the shapeshifter's who had to read that word in print which caused them to...um, well, you know. Have hurt feelings? Be disgusted with me? Feel righteous indignation when they called me a typically disgusting one-shape? Make them weep uncontrollably because of a word in print? Well, I'm sure the shape-shifting community will feel good once they've tarred and feathered me in a public forum and ruined my life for the poor judgment I had in typing a single word. I totally deserve it.

Kincaid doesn't kill Pandora and Vandal Savage doesn't kill anyone because Giganta arrives to save her new best friend!

It's good to see a powerhouse like Giganta actually get to act like a powerhouse for once.

Giganta demands that Pandora be given back her regenerative powers or else Kincaid is going on a fantastic voyage, if you know what I'm saying! And if you don't, you probably just think I mean Giganta is going to throw her into the ocean like she did with Vandal, so it really doesn't matter because that's something, I guess.

Pandora #12 Rating: -5 Ranking. I don't know why this comic book is as high in my rankings as it is and so I'm fixing that right now. Especially since the art has been sub-par over the last couple of issues. At least I got to see Vandal Savage topless!

Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32

I missed the issue where Damian was encased in carbonite.

I used to pronounce the "Ra's" in Ra's al Ghul as rhyming with moss because I can't even pronounce English names. But then I heard Batman pronounce it as rhyming with mace in Young Justice and I slapped myself in the face and said, "Stupid! You embarrassment! You idiot! How did you not know?!"

I hate when people act like they're better than you when you mispronounce a name. It's a fucking name! If somebody has never heard it said out loud before, there's absolutely no fucking reason that person should know how to pronounce it. I still constantly mispronounce Andrea's name from The Walking Dead because I was pronouncing it differently for eight years while reading the fucking comic book before I ever heard them pronounce it on the stupid television show. And people are so quick to correct you! So fucking smug in their ability to pronounce a name correctly! La dee da! Now if only that were the way they tested a person's IQ! "Pronounce all of these names. If you get any wrong, we'll fucking laugh right in your face and throw you out, you stupid twat."

Let me take a second to compose myself and wipe the spittle from my computer monitor. Yes, that's right. I rant and rave out loud as I type!

Okay. So Batman and Frankenstein have journeyed to the place formerly known as Nanda Parbat where Ra's al Ghul has an emergency Lazarus Pit. They arrive a little bit later than they would have liked and find that Ra's currently has Talia's corpse dipped just past her private area. If he never dunks the rest of her, will her bottom half come alive? I bet even just half of her is a pretty good match for the Jeezly Crow Batman.

This Pit fires up the libido.

This Lazarus Pit is supposedly even better than the Well of Sins Lazarus Pit in the heart of 'Eth Sven'leven. Ra's hadn't been able to access it while Nanda Parbat had its fat magic ass sitting on top of it. Here is an insensitive joke about the size of a city: "When Nanda Parbat sits around the Lazarus Pit, it really sits around the Lazarus Pit!" Um. Anyway, since Nanda Parbat arsed off, Ra's has decided to take full advantage of the purest pit in the world.

Here's another insensitive fat person joke: "How many fat people does it take to change a light bulb? One!"

Here's an equal time insensitive skinny person joke: "How many skinny people does it take to change a light bulb? Don't worry about it. The fat person already took care of it."

The rules for this pit insist that the corpse must be immersed in the liquid for 24 hours which is why Talia and Damian are in the sarcophagi. Fill 'em up and let 'em stew. This pit also erases memory. That seems like a huge hassle. Ra's really is crazy if he wants to rule the world with two mindless people that don't know anything and have no relationship to the people they once were. That just sounds like a hassle.

So you can't call Frankenstein a monster without sounding insensitive and you can't call him Frankenstein without a bunch of pseudo-intellectuals jumping down your throat and pointing out that the monster's name wasn't Frankenstein. Those people are pedantic assholes!

Batman and his army of Yetis attack Ra's and his army of Man-bats to keep Damian's corpse from being immersed in the Pit. Mostly Bruce just doesn't want to have to deal with another Jason Todd.

Batman escapes with Damian's sarcophagus while Frankenstein holds off the Man-Bats. But first Batman knocks a huge stone pillar on a bunch of Man-bats. Is it okay to kill Man-Bats? Or is this one of those situations if one of them dies, it isn't really Batman's fault since they should have upped their invulnerability quotient when transforming.

Frank doesn't do a quality job holding back al Ghul's forces.

Before Batman can make a clean getaway, he's forced to have one more conversation with Ra's al Ghul.

How sweet! It's Batmamabearman!

And, of course, that last conversation turns into one last battle (after one last double page Superman advertisement). The battle goes on for a few pages until Batman is about to put out both of al Ghul's eyes. But there are a couple of reasons he can't go through with it. The first reason is that Batman spent a long time under the Comics Code Authority, so he's hesitant to provide any Injuries to the Eyes for the corruption of the younger readers. And the second reason is because a BOOM Tube blasts open out of which that fucking asshole piece of shit craphole bullshitter Glorious Godfrey steps. Ugh. What a bastard.

Also a bunch of parademons come out of the tube which really can't be very good for New Earth!

Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32 Rating: No change. Well well well. That was a fucking surprise twist ending! I wasn't expecting to see Glorious Godfrey any time soon. Although the introduction of Apokolips into the Robin story was ruined for me just because the final DC ALL ACCESS page in all of last week's comic books make sure they differentiated "ROBIN RISES: OMEGA #1" from all the other text whenever it was mentioned. And Omega has been touted as Darkseid's daughter trapped on Earth. So even when I try to avoid all spoilers, DC still manages to kick me in the teeth and shit down my throat. I think. That metaphor might not accurately describe how it feels to read spoilers from DC itself. Anyway, a decent enough issue, I suppose. Lots of fighting. Not enough Yetis. Just the right amount of Frankenstein.

Supergirl #32

"Why hello, Worldkiller! Pleased to meet you!" SOCKO!

Once upon a time there was a super girl whose name was Supergirl. Her name was also Kara Something-el or something but everybody just called her Supergirl. She was from the planet Krypton which blew up. You should probably infer from that statement that her parents also blew up. It might have been more complicated than that although there was this one really great scene where Kara's father was all, "I love you, Kara's Mother!" And then Kara's mother who was really pissed off about Kara's father saving Kara's life (unless she was really mad that he didn't save her life?) said, "You were the worst scientist ever." And then everybody blew up and Kara's father had to die while feeling his lowest low ever.

So I mentioned the blowing up bits so that you'd understand why Kara was so angry and why she was chosen to be a member of the Red Lanterns who are also very angry even though their planets didn't blow up. Most lanterns aren't angry but occasionally you'll meet a real dick of a lantern that will try to burn down a house or a forest. Some of them even try to asphyxiate people with their secret emissions. But these Lanterns were angry because of other reasons that are other stories that aren't Supergirl's story so they probably shouldn't be told here taking up her valuable word real estate.

I think that's all the background story a new reader needs to understand Supergirl's motivations. Oh! It might also help to know she's lonely in case that wasn't implied in that part about her home planet blowing up!

Did DC Comics pay Iron Maiden for the use of their font?

Currently Supergirl has been kicked out of the Red Lantern Corps. If you want to know why, you have to read a comic book that hasn't been published yet. There are two ways you can do this and both require time travel. The first way is to hope that time travel is invented in your life time, buy a time machine when it's invented, time travel back to right now when you were reading Supergirl #32, give your past self the time machine so that they can travel into the future to get Red Lanterns #32, wait for your past self to return while you enjoy your copy of Red Lanterns #32 that you brought with you to kill time waiting for your past self to return because you remember when you visited yourself that you didn't know how to work the time machine very well and returned to the past two hours after you left instead of immediately. The other way you can time travel to read Red Lanterns #32 is to just travel forward in time how you normally do it by wasting your life masturbating and watching cartoons. Before you know it, Red Lanterns #32 will be on sale! Score!

Anyway, Supergirl decides to head back to Earth with her Red Lantern Ring. She probably wants to yell at her best friend Silver Banshee. "Why didn't you console me when I was dying of Vaginal Kryptonite Poisoning?!" And Silver Banshee will be all, "Ye wee Blarney Stones! Ye never even telled me aboot jour strange sexually transmitted disease!" And Supergirl will be all, "That's no excuse!" And Silver Banshee will cry and hug her and beg for forgiveness and say, "Can ye never forgeeve me?!" And Supergirl will be all, "Didn't you tell me you could speak any language you hear fluently? Doesn't that mean you shouldn't have an accent?" And Silver Banshee will be all, "Why no ye dumb slut! Beggorah and shenanigans!" And then I was all, "I'm tired of writing this stupid conversation!"

It's a lucky thing that Supergirl decided to head back to Earth since that's where Worldkiller and his Diaperans are headed! Probably to kill her so maybe on second thought, it's an unlucky thing.

So Earth has to suffer just so you can pal around with Supergirl? Just fucking ask her for her number!

On Supergirl's way home, she takes a side trip into Action Comics #33. Another comic book that hasn't been published yet! Hopefully your future self remembered that you needed to pick up this comic as well before sending you off in the time machine. Maybe that's why it took you two hours to return! Because you had to make two stops! No wait. That doesn't make sense! It's time travel! It takes no time at all unless you're a moron that can't operate the controls! You really have to be dumb to not know how to use a time machine. They always have easy to read dials that you just spin and set to the proper time before pushing the button or pulling the lever that turns the machine on. Isn't it weird that time machines never have GPS units in them? How do they know where to find the Earth when you go back 80 years? It's not like Earth was just sitting in the exact place where you departed! I'm sure Google will figure all that shit out so that it runs in the background and all the pilot has to do is set the correct time. Hopefully they'll account for the missing week when we changed to the Gregorian calendar back in 1752! Holy crap! Imagine how many people will be lost if they screw up that math!

So after doing whatever she managed to do in Action Comics #33, Supergirl arrives in Earthspace just in time to battle a bunch of Diarrheans.

I think Emanuela Lupacchino is the spiritual successor of Mahmud Asrar.

Supergirl destroys a bunch of spaceships and makes a lot of aliens really sad. But there is one that she makes really happy. Super happy even! That alien is named Worldkiller-1! That is a weird name, isn't it? It's times like this that I wish I was about to have a baby so I could name it Worldkiller-42. Then everybody would have to think, "Holy crap! There are forty-something more world killers out there?!" Most people probably can't do math that intricate on the spot so they would probably say "forty-something." I try to keep my speculative fiction grounded in reality.

Once Supergirl learns Worldkiller is Kryptonian, she offers to give him a handy.

Why are artists still using this sound effect improperly?! There is a very specific time and place for this! The time is usually when your roommates are out of the apartment and the place is anywhere in the apartment that is easily washed off.

Supergirl continues to beat on Worldkiller-1 until his face falls off and his body disintegrates. But she didn't kill him! Because the one thing she learned as a Red Lantern was not to kill! Unless she learned something else. I don't know where all these heroes learn that killing is a bad thing. How dare they look down their noses at American soldiers who kill for reasons obfuscated by the chanting throng of nationalists proclaiming the soldiers are killing for freedom. I'm not sure about you but I don't feel any freer whenever another brown person halfway across the planet is gunned down by an American. Hmm, I guess I'm looking down my nose at soldiers too! No, no! They're just following corporate orders! I mean, American military orders! Weird how I made that mistake.

So Worldkiller-1 did not die. He just returned as Space Slender Man. And he wants her body! Join the club, buddy!

They plummet into the Earth's atmosphere which is still full of Kryptonite because the American military is even dumber in comic books than real life. So now Supergirl is getting weaker and weaker while Worldkiller-1 tries to bond with her.

Supergirl #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is there any chance Emanuela Lupacchino is going to stick around? She seems like the kind of artist that doesn't hit her deadlines regularly enough to do anything but fill-in issues. I have no evidence to back that up except that her art is terrific and she hasn't been doing any comic book monthly. Tony Bedard has been a very competent writer during The New 52. I was sorry to see his run on Blue Beetle end so quickly. He also did a great job with the Beowulf back-up stories in Sword of Sorcery. Also remember the other things he did and pretend I said really good things about those as well.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32

Is this the first comic book cover to show two male characters masturbating in public?

They're not literally masturbating although the douchebag fucktwats of the world would say, "Red Hood and Speedy are literally masturbating on the cover of Red Hood #32!" No, they're metaphorically masturbating as they cock their phallic symbols. But it's not a subtle metaphor: the positioning of the weapons, the way both characters are in mid-cock, the cheesecake Starfire ready to take them both on on the hood of the car. Maybe even "masturbating" is a conclusion too far away to jump to; maybe they're just pulling out their pieces for the imminent three-way. Whatever the fuck is going on on this cover, it serves its purpose by reminding me one thing: Scott Lobdell is back!

I realize I've been reading Scott Lobdell's comic books all wrong. I've been trying to think about them. I've been expecting them to be more than they truly are. Lobdell has always written to his idea of the twelve year old boy comic book fan. Although way back when I was twelve and way back when I was a boy, Elfquest was my favorite thing in the world. Even then, I don't imagine I would have liked Lobdell's writing. I've spoken with some people who think back and believe Lobdell did a good job on X-Men years ago. I think those people are just forgetting that they were nearly twenty years younger and probably liked some really shitty comic books simply because they featured lots of costumed characters fighting lots of other costumed characters. And while those fans have matured over time, Lobdell has not. He's still writing to the same audience he assumed was reading his stuff years ago. He's trying to keep the gateway open for the twelve year old boy fans that only want to see action and side-boob! So to make sure Scott Lobdell gets a fair shake in my reviews, I now turn this commentary over to the twelve year old boy inside of me.

That wasn't meant to sound as pervy as it did.

This issue begins with Jason Todd taking a controversial ideological stand!

Me too, Red Hood! Fuck those terrorists!

Terrorists should just take whatever America tells them they should take! If they don't like our foreign policies and imperialist attitudes, why don't they fucking go to Mars? No wait! America owns Mars, you fuckers! Maybe they should go live on Ceres! No wait! America probably wants that too because it might have valuable minerals on it! Maybe they should just kill themselves and go to Hell! No wait! America wants Hell too! We could totally exploit all of that free labor. And just think of the neverending reserve of energy from the eternally burning pits of fire? Maybe the terrorists should just calm down and accept our way of life! Fucking bullies! Goddamn cowards! I can't wait to see Red Hood shoot a bunch of them in the face!

I'm on page two and still no shot of Starfire's tits or ass. Darn it!

Oh man! I commented too early on Red Hood's terrific speech! He has even more smarter things to say after the terrorists are cowards speech!

This might be the best thought out logical conclusion I've ever read!

Fucking terrorists! I can't believe someone would read a bumper sticker and then decide to kill themselves in their war against people that don't believe in their bumper sticker! Although I'm not quite sure how terrorists aren't getting their hands dirty. Isn't killing yourself to kill a bunch of innocent people that have no real power behind the idiotic decisions made by our government "committing" or "getting their hands dirty"? And by Jason's logic, he wouldn't mind them so much if they dressed up in a garish costume before doing it? Also, isn't what The Joker and The Penguin and all the others do "terrorism"? Don't they rule Gotham by making other people afraid? Isn't that also what The Batman does?! Except his targets are more focused than other terrorists.

I don't know! What do I know? Red Hood knows what he's doing because he's a hero! I'm just a stupid idiot kid trying to read the most awesomest comic book in the world! I also tend to say things that a twelve year old boy might not actually say but staying in character is hard in the face of the shittiest writing in the world!

It also has the shittiest art team apparently since this is how Jason Todd begins his attack on the terrorist ship he's infiltrated.

Panel before title page.

Title page. I guess he was using some kind of camouflage tech developed by Speedy.

Anyway, I'm sure all the inconsistencies will be explained away later. I'm just hoping for a little Starfire side-boob soon! But I'll have to wait because first Speedy arrives on the front of the plane to murder the pilots! Way to go, Speedy! The only way to stay sober is to find something to occupy your time! Murder is so much better than heroin!

Now that's a great opening line! And well worth taking the time to say while hoping the pilots don't tilt the plane or something crazy.

Red Hood totally throws some guy out of a window and begins shooting other guys in their faces. It must be the best job in the world getting to kill people without feeling the guilt and remorse of killing people because you've turned them into this completely evil other who are only out to destroy and terrify! Fuck man! I can't wait to join the marines! Get my hands on some weapons and legally kill me some terrorists! Or any brown person in some other country far away that I can assume is a terrorist!

The hologram might be showing signs of nationalism but I don't think it's currently being racist.

Starfire finally appears on the eighth page although her boobs are drawn like male pecs so I'm not scanning that! Gross! Then she says "squee" in a totally retarded way and Speedy points out that the internet is dumb. That's probably because Speedy doesn't like to hear people criticize him when he's totally acting like a person that needs to be criticized. It's much easier going on believing you're an awesome archer that arches the shit out of everything his pencil touches rather than hear that you're actually not a very good archer at all and you should probably stop writing already and retire.

There is a better way to prove to the internet that it's not wrong about your abilities other than telling the internet that it's wrong in its conclusions! What is that better way? Do a better job!

This is Scott not doing a better job at all. Does he not own a dictionary? There are a number of them on the internet! Oh, but that doesn't mean they're right though.

And just because I'm, for some reason, in the mood to point out errors in Lobdell's writing, here's another one.

I actually don't care that much about typos and sentences that were obviously reworked and wound up retaining some of the old sentence so that it reads like the one in the panel above. Look, we all do it. If you edit or have decent editors, they're caught and fixed and no harm done. No big deal. I probably have a number of typos in this commentary alone which won't be fixed until I reread it next month. The real issue I have is that Lobdell's turns of phrase, his story elements, his plots, and his characterizations are all half-assed month after month. This is a guy that doesn't give a shit about the scripts he turns in. This is a man that has no respect for the characters and thus no respect for the fans of those characters. And I'm sure twelve year old boy me would have said the exact same thing. Although I did seem to read and enjoy a lot of Marv Wolfman when I was that age, so maybe I would have been a fan of Lobdell as well. But times change. I will no longer defend Wolfman's current material just because I liked it when I was younger and I think Lobdell deserves the same treatment from those who might have enjoyed his stuff when they were younger. Let's just be honest. Lobdell's writing is terrible. We, the internet, can all agree on that, right? And for once, the internet is spot on about something.

The next few pages are full of hero worship as Roy and Jason stare out the window of a crashing plane and watch Starfire dismantle a nuclear bomb. While they watch, a "slap" sound effect is added for some reason. I don't think I want to know the reason. What could possibly be sla...no! No! I don't need to know what's going on.

I think at this point I have to admit that I couldn't do the pretend thing where I was enjoying Lobdell's writing. So it's back to criticizing every single little miniscule tiny teeny thing he does!

Speaking of criticizing Lobdell, I began watching the first season of Young Justice recently. I forget the lines and moments that led me to this theory, but I felt very quickly that Scott Lobdell stole most of the what he was doing for The New 52 from watching Young Justice. I made that declaration somewhere (I have too many rants and raves to remember where) a few days ago. And then I just recently watched the episode where Superboy finds his older brother in Cadmus. You know? The one that burns the Superman logo onto his chest backwards while looking into a mirror? Kind of the way H'el did? Anyway, back to Red Hood!

After America is saved, some villain in a swamp tries to be threatening while being a bumbling moron. He never gives his name so forget about him. Hopefully he'll never show up again. Meanwhile, The Outlaws are ambushed by an encephalo-magnetic pulse. I hate those things! They're knocked out and taken prisoner guest. Too bad they weren't killed.

Why is Roy wearing Hammer Pants?

Well if Man-Bat has to be anywhere, I'm glad he's in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That gives me one more reason to hate it!

SHADE has picked up a space ship that was sending this message: "Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran. You are our final hope." So Starfire enters the ship and then flies screaming back out of it. Now all of the readers are on the edges of their seats wondering what Scott Lobdell decided must have been inside the ship during the time he had to write the next script.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32 Rating: -2 Ranking. It's so nice to have Scott Lobdell back on this book. I don't mind if he ruins this one. But having him at the helm of Superman? That was simply blasphemy on DC's part. I would probably have more to say about it but my laptop's fan just conked out and now my laptop keeps trying to overheat. So I should probably deal with that before I completely crash my hard drive!

Wonder Woman #32

When life gives you labyrinths, make minotaurade.

Because I don't know anything about anything else, I decided to consult Princess Wikipedia for the origin of the saying, "When life gives you labyrinths, make lemonade." Err, or something. Anyway, she made a face and rolled her eyes and said, "Really? You're going to demand information from me? Well I'm busy. But I'm sure my retinue has uncovered some information." And she was correct! Although her retinue are idiots that publish sentences like this in her name: "In 2011 the rap duo Bad meets evils song loud noises Eminem said 'Life handed me lemons, I jumped back in the public eye And squirted lemon juice in it'". Illiterate peasants are running her kingdom!

Ever notice how every Wikipedia article details the subject for a bit and then ends in an "In Popular Culture" section which basically means "All the Times This Subject Was Mentioned in Modern Pop Music, Shitty Movies, and Anime."

The Wikipedia entry on "Themyscira" currently reads, "A place preparing for a big fat war, fatty fuck cock ass democrats suck!!."

The Wikipedia entry for "Hell" currently reads, "An hour or more alone at a table with your parents. Or a realm quickly emptying of lost souls being visited by Moon and Desire."

The Wikipedia entry for "Olympus" currently reads, "Wadn't dat da place with all a dem gods and such? The ones defeated by Yahweh? More like Obunchalimppussies, amirite?"

Never mind this panel. This is more important. Way back when Sarah Palin was first announced as the vice presidential candidate, I visited her Wikipedia page to learn more about her. It read, "A taco." I laughed so hard that I hit refresh before thinking clearly and taking a screen shot and it had already been fixed. I never read the restored page though because "a taco" was really all I needed to know.

The First Born keeps yammering on about killing all the gods until Strife walks up and sits on his hand. Then he says, "Rrrrggh." I think that means, "Okay, I guess you can live because my thumb feels really fucking nice resting lightly upon your labia."

The Wikipedia entry for "labia" currently reads, "If only teenage boys knew the actual names for the female genitalia, they could find lots of good wank material here! I mean, lots of good information. Unless showing the majority of photos of female genitalia minus the pubic hair is only going to confuse them later in life."

Anyway, the battle begins in Harvest's realm. Cassandra and the S&Minotaur attack. They're easily contained by Moon, Desire, Harvest, and Wonder Woman. But then The First Born arrives to destroy Harvest's entire realm. He's successful enough that Harvest gives up. But not Wonder Woman! She sends everybody away so that she can face the First Born in a one on one, hand to hand deathmatch supreme.

The Wikipedia entry for "mano a mano" currently reads, "Total gay man on man sack action with nachos."

Hermes managed to survive the tussle in Hell and he's the guy that teleports everyone away from The First Born. He's also the one that has to explain to Zola that he doesn't know if Wonder Woman will survive the battle against The First Born. And that's when Orion and Wesley Willis return to save the day! But that day won't come until next month.

Wonder Woman #32 Rating: No change. Thirty two issues of The New 52 Wonder Woman and I still don't know why she's been living in London. Why do you ignore the important parts of the story, Azzarello? Do you hate the readers?! We have questions that need answers! Like how many kebabs does Wonder Woman down each night on the way home blitzed from drinking at the pub? Does she enjoy her chips with mayonnaise or ketchup? When she goes dancing at the clubs (you remember? That thing she likes to do that Charles Soule told us about because you were too busy writing about the war between the gods?), which drugs does she take? If only you cared about the character, Azzarello! Stop screwing around and writing something worth reading! I think you're just content to only be ranked at #2 in the most objective New 52 Ranking System ever devised (mine!).