Red Lanterns #37

Three issues of Godhead and a Tie-In in my immediate comic book reading future. *sob*

Time for Guy Gardner and Simon Baz to save the universe! Don't let that smarmy Hal Jordan manage it! Or that arrogant Sinestro! Or that weak-willed weaselly Kyle Rayner!

Here is a short list of things that have not been touched on since Godhead began but probably should have caused waves somewhere:

1. Larfleeze lost his stuff.
2. Mogo lost the protection of his Lantern Ring and is now adrift in space, far from any warming sun because the Lanterns don't even care enough to share one of their rings with him.
3. What does Darkseid think about Highfather gearing up for war? Is he just too busy razing Earths, collecting Supermen, and fending off Bat-invasions?
4. Guy ditched Ice in Dubai to go beat shit up.

That last one is probably the most important. Although it's possible Ice left on her own when she realized Guy was more interested in the dictator across the sea than in her bikini.

Now on New Genesis, it's about time Malhedron made up with Guy and Simon so they can put an end to Highfather's bullshit.

Right on time. Well, actually a little late since Guy and Simon had to mostly break out of the Miracle Prison all by themselves.

Guy and Simon learn from Malhedron where the stolen rings are being kept. Guy's interest is mostly in the Blue Ring. Probably because it boosts the Green Lantern's power. At normal power, they've had no luck defeating any of the New Gods. But with a Blue Ring backing them, they might have a chance. And Guy will probably be the person that will have to wear the Blue Ring because Saint Walker is being a big baby, pouting about the death of all of his friends and worried about the Spectrum Light destroying the universe.

After Malhedron leads Guy and Simon to the rings, he skins out for the territories. Simon Baz goes full frontal assault on Hyalt because he doesn't want Guy Gardner trying to sacrifice his life in this fight. So Guy heads on in and discovers the rings. He slips on an extra Red Ring and throws the fabled Double Red Punch of Death on Hyalt's robot sentry.

Guy should have put all the rings on! If Kyle can handle it, he can too! And then he'd be unstoppable!

I guess two Red Rings increases a person's vomit levels.

The Star Sapphire Ring flies off on its own to create a new Lantern. Maybe it's John's Violet Ring and it wants him back. After Simon gives Guy a pep talk about how awesome Guy Gardner is, Guy decides that maybe the world wouldn't be better off without him. It's no It's A Wonderful Life. Unless it is? I've never seen it so maybe this is exactly like that movie? Was Jimmy Stewart taught the lesson that his life meant something by a Muslim?

Finally the Bohemian Guardians meet up with Kyle, Stewart, Ferris, and Walker who weren't killed by Highfather like every reader reading New Guardians #37 thought had actually happened. They were just teleported out of Highfather's range of smell. The Bohemian Guardians let them know that they have a plan to end this war but they can't tell them about it until Sinestro #8. So I guess that's next!

Red Lanterns #37 Rating: No change. Ugh! Get Guy out of this Godhead bullshit before his time is up! Not many issues left of Red Lanterns now. And then where will Guy wind up? Since New Guardians and Green Lantern Corps are also ending, I bet a new series begins where the Lanterns create some kind of universal crew that responds to emergencies. It will be composed of Lanterns of all different Spectrums because every emergency in space will need a different response team. Or maybe DC has decided it's time to calm down with all of this Lantern shit. Everybody is burnt out on cosmic crises!

Robin Rises Alpha #1

So Damian has heat vision now?

Batman and Robin #37 ended with Batman returning Damian Wayne to life after a slight detour to Apokolips so that he could humiliate Darkseid again. This issue takes a step back in time to begin the end of that story from Alfred's point of view as he sits back in the Batcave hanging out with the Batpets that didn't manage to sneak off into the BOOM Tube.

I see Batcow got a nice tan from her time in California. Get it? She's leather! Tanning?! No?

Holy shit. The Batkids have been gone for sixty two hours? Which means Batman has been gone for even longer? That means it takes an awful long time before the Hellbat suit will destroy its wearer. Why doesn't Batman wear it more often?! He can take it out on short jaunts without a problem if he can survive over sixty hours in it on Apokolips! I bet it uses a ton of battery power though. And now that Batman has lost all of his wealth, he probably can't afford to wear it anymore. Unless he truly has to wear it! Like when the entire Justice League comes after him. That was the Hellbat suit he was wearing in Engame, wasn't it? It would certainly explain why none of the other Justice League members wanted to give Bruce access to it for his journey to Apokolips. Why give him the one thing that would ensure that he can beat every single one of them?

Dammit. As Alfred goes off to put on his 90s Comic Book Alfred Pennyworth Gear, he walks through a panel that demands to be my new header. But I just made the Supergirl header! I really need to figure out the code to enable random headers each time the page reloads.

About eight pages are used to repeat the action at the end of Batman and Robin #37 with some minor changes in perspective and a few new details, like how the BOOM Tube can't close until Cyborg's system reboots. It's a good thing Darkseid commanded Kalibak not to follow them or else Alfred would have had to shoot his ass.

Oh well. I guess Kalibak listens to Darkseid as well as Orion listens to Highfather.

As the Batfamily prepared to face whatever came through the BOOM Tube, Damian accidentally crushed a Batarang. I guess Damain can probably take Kalibak all by himself now, right? Maybe he even has Omega Beam Eyes! Which is probably a horrible turn of events for a kid that really can't control his anger very well.

After a short bout, it looks like Damian is going to have to deal with Kalibak all by himself.

Damian displays super speed, super strength, flight, invulnerability, and super precociousness. He very nearly takes down Kalibak on his own before being pinned under Batman's gigantic penny. It's a very heavy penny! Plus, Damian's probably a little bit dizzy and concussed from his battle with Kalibak. Even invulnerability has a tough time against the fists of an Apokoliptian.

But then the Batpets save the day and provide a distraction while everybody else gets their wits together.

I'm sure Alfred Pennyworth the Cat was the mastermind behind Titus's attack and the placement of the Batcow pie.

Batcow has now had more interactions with New Gods than most DC Characters. She's a rising star!

Cyborg finally reboots and Batman ghost flies a Batjet into Kalibak, sending him through the BOOM Tube just as it closes. Then everybody hugs and says, "I'm glad everything is back to normal now!" as Damian flies around the room making muscles.

Uh oh. Reunions are happening! Just a few more panels before Damian utters the question everybody's been waiting to hear: "Where's Dick?"

Meanwhile in Nanda Parbat, a naked woman kills a bunch of guys in the snow and declares she doesn't know who she is. It is a mystery! Nobody can guess who she is at all!

As things settle down and Batman begins to put Damian through a number of tests to figure out the limits of his powers, Dick's name never comes up. I'm sure it will be the source of much consternation for Batman in the next issue of Batman and Robin.

Robin Rises Alpha #1 Rating: I recently mentioned in some commentary or another that Batman should get a sidekick with superpowers. And now that he has one, it's going to be weird. With a kid as powerful as Superman with the same diverse set of superpowers, Batman is going to be superfluous! Robin can now rush in, take all the bullets, tie everybody up at super speed, and do his homework, all before Batman even crashes through the skylight. He can even kill one or two people and hide the bodies before Batman notices! I guess Batman's next quest is to find a cure for superpowers.

World's End #12

Look at all the creators! I guess we're back to ten different plot threads crammed into each issue.

Friends Update!

Last issue, Big Barda manipulated Mister Miracle into freeing Darkseid. I guess that explains why Scott Free and Fury are slightly annoyed at Big Barda over in Futures End.

I'm not sure if time in the dimension where New Genesis and Apokolips reside flows the same as in ours. Am I supposed to believe that Darkseid was so damaged by his fight with Earth-Main-Earth that he had to eat the heart of his own planet to feel better? And by eating that heart, he would become trapped in the Mobius Chamber for a few years? Or is he in the chamber to console himself after Batman pissed all over his turf? Also, Darkseid apparently made a deal with Highfather which gave the Earth-2 Universe to Darkseid to do with as he pleases if he'd just leave the other 51 Universes alone. So why the fuck is Highfather still so hot to defeat Darkseid over in the Godhead crisis? Maybe the Anti-Monitor should show up already and just wipe the Apokolips Dimension off the face of everything.

This issue begins with everybody on Apokolips kissing Darkseid's ass and polishing his throne and pretending that they weren't all happy that he'd been out of the picture.

This entire story so far has given Apokolips the reputation for being a fragile planet that can barely sustain itself without feeding on hope and the hearts and minds of millions of innocents. Is that why it's called the "God planet"?

Down in the firepits of Geneva, Power Girl and Huntress depict that scene where one friend has gone evil or rabid and the other friend is all, "I know my friend is still in there! All you need are hugs and positive affirmations!" And the other friend is all, "Hiss! Spit! I am the devil's pincushion! Blarg!" And the other friend is all, "No! No! I know you can hear me! I love you and you love me! Fight against the evil! Fight!" And the other friend is all, "Fri...fri...fri...NO! RAWR! I'M EVIL NOW!" And then the evil friend runs away because love is so strong that they must flee or else be turned back to good! I like when that scene was an entire book about a rabid dog and then it ended with the acknowledgment that the dog had always tried to be good and never wanted to kill anybody but what could he do, having been stricken by fate or destiny or possibly just a degenerative nerve disease called rabies? Trying to hug it out with that dog was a mistake! Love isn't as powerful as those musicians on that funky submarine would lead you to believe.

People are being betrayed by their friends all over the place! That's probably why this issue was called "Betrayal."

"By the way, I have Scoliosis."

Over in Chicago, Dick Grayson is acting just like Dick Grayson would act. He gave his son to Constantine so his son could get to safety while he remained in the path of a tidal wave to murder the man that shot Barbara Grayson. And after that was done, he just stands there waiting to be washed away. Earth-2 Dick Grayson has completely captured the spirit of what makes Dick Grayson such a great character! Weakness, defeatism, violence! It's all here!

More betrayal when Commander Khan discovers that Terry Sloan planted a bomb aboard their spaceship. Granted, that betrayal was entirely expected. It's why Khan searched the entire ship until he found the hidden bomb that he just knew Sloan would have planted. They then punch each other in the face a bunch of times until the scene shifts.

Earthlings begin evacuating into the Project Beyond tunnels under the United States but even those, as The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick discovers, are full of Apokoliptians.

And lastly, The Avatars of the Earth continue to battle the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips. I mean three. Although The Huntress joins up with them because nobody quakes in their boots about the mention of the Three Horsewomen of Apokolips. They just look around with an awkward smile thinking, "Are you having a laugh? Are you taking the piss?"

World's End #12 Rating: -1 Ranking. Still too much going on. They're trying to pack too much into each two or three pages allotted to each plot thread. This winds up creating a bunch of snapshots that have no emotional impact at all. And most of the plot threads simply kind of cancel each other out. Who cares about the Avatars defeating the Four Horsewomen if the Earth is destroyed by a rain of moon debris and floods anyway? Who cares if Dick Grayson survives while billions of other people die? Did this story really need to be told? Instead of giving us a rushed, half-assed version of the final days of Earth-2, wouldn't it have been better to just keep everything vague, filling in small moments with stories from those heroes who survived the war? Anyway, this was my favorite moment so far:

Really? Honestly? Only minutes left? Hallelujah!

FRIENDS UPDATE!
With the third episode, the series can begin to get into the real meat of the profound themes the show is best remembered for. We've gotten to the heart of each of the characters and now we understand them just enough to follow them on their dark journeys. The third episode concentrates mainly on three of the six friends. First off, we have Chandler resurrecting an old habit, the vice of smoking which disgusts his friends. Here we find out that Chandler is not so above it all as we once thought; he is not our joke spewing friend we met two episodes ago. Here is the demon version of Chandler, Chandler That Was, the one only hinted at by his incessant need to keep his distance from the others. This is man that will do whatever he can to get whatever he wants. At one point, he spews venom into the caring faces of his friends and they all turn on each other as he happily goes about his smoking in peace. Here is a grumpy, mean-spirited, beaten down man that cares more about his cigarettes than his friends. Who is the smoking Chandler? What secrets does his impish face and sarcastic demeanor hide? We only get hints to his darkness in this episode, but it is enough to make us wonder: will he someday do violence to one of the other friends?

Second, we see Phoebe dealing with the fear of adulthood through her superstitions and conspiracy-minded beliefs. Modern day has allowed people to live a near decade in a transitory place between childhood and adulthood. This is probably the main thrust of the series which people remember fondly because they were too mired in self-denial to understand the nefarious message the show was trying to get across. This strange limbo allowed by modern day luxury is not a place of fun time jokey friendship hangouts in coffee shops. It is full of fear of the unknown, the loss of the comforting safety of home, the terrifying and dizzying struggle to maintain balance on the precipice of adulthood as one watches all of their innocent, childhood things recede into the past. This is a scary place to be. And it hits Phoebe full force when she suddenly finds her bank has made an error in her favor and deposited five hundred dollars into her account. Five hundred dollars! That's adult money! She panics because, in Phoebe's world view which makes this entire scenario more palatable to an audience expecting jokes and whimsy, Phoebe believes that the Karmic debt of this windfall will destroy her life. And no matter what she does to remove this debt and allow her to wallow in the peace of near-adult limbo, she continues to gain more and more money. Eventually she finds a thumb in a soda can which only results in a payout by the soda company in the amount of seven thousand dollars. She rids herself of this money by giving it to Chandler so that he'll quit smoking. He accepts and in this moment, we see that Chandler, more than the others, already has one foot in the adult world. Perhaps his previous demons have caused him to grow up too fast, or perhaps they have allowed him to see money as a panacea, to accept the world for what it is. He is the least ready to deny the transition.

Speaking of characters having a foot in the adult world, the literal potato sack Ross might seem to be the most adult in that he is married (currently separated from his partner) and has a degree in dinosaurs and a real job at a museum. But this adult life he entered too soon, and as the show begins, it is all falling apart around him.

The final story revolves around Monica's boyfriend who is a father figure to the entire group. We see in their admiration and love for this man a group of people completely devoid of strong fathers in their lives. The only person not completely charmed by this man is Monica. But that makes sense because once she realizes she is dating a father figure, the relationship loses its sexual allure. She must abandon this man and thus the hearts of all of her friends are broken once more by an untimely loss of dad. The episode ends with everybody losing themselves in gallons of ice cream as they deny the despair and heartbreak and the loss which life has heaped upon them year after year. They are in a dark place but they are together, and they have each other, and thus the title of the series becomes doubly important in that they are all they have to cling to in a world that offers nothing but pain and loss.

Batman Eternal #38

Batman Eternal has now run more issues than any other comic book in The New 52.

Friends Update!

With Jason Bard having lost the respect of all of the honest cops in Gotham and possibly some of the corrupt ones as well, Batman feels he's able to turn his attention to the daily chaos of Gotham City for a bit. Right now, that involves yet another mass escape from Arkham Asylum. This time it was because The Spectre dropped a Vengeance Bomb all over Arkham Grounds and sank the fucking hospital. The inmates who weren't found bleeding out or pinned under debris made a break for it and now they've started a new gang. Those inmates are Bane, The Scarecrow, Clayface, Poison Ivy, The Joker's Daughter, and Mr. Freeze.

Catwoman has been helping Batman to uncover their location because Catwoman really wants Batman to get off her back and stop lecturing her simply because she's trying to save the city in a different way than he is.

Is anybody ever going to talk about what Clayface did to Poison Ivy back in Detective Comics #15?

And after I don't know how many issues, the story once again turns to Jim Gordon in Blackgate Penitentiary. He was so close to getting free after his daughter, Batwoman, and Red Hood found evidence that would have exonerated him but they handed it over to Jason Bard without ever making a copy of it. That doesn't seem likely, does it? You know what else doesn't seem likely? That Batgirl would have just shrugged her shoulders and gone on with her life after they failed to free her father. Especially after she went so far off the rails that Batman sent Jason Todd to look after her. She must be working on another plan that the reader just hasn't been privy to up until now. Maybe Jim let everybody know that he's fine in Blackgate for now. Maybe he knows he can help with this entire mess better from behind bars. Especially since his bunkmate is Rex Calabrese.

I first heard the Urban Legend of the Ether Bunny from my friend Bob when he got back from the first war in Iraq. It seems The Ether Bunny Urban Legend was mentioned way back in Richard F. Burton's The Book of The Thousand Nights and a Night! See the link to my Richard F. Burton page for more fun notes by good old Dick! Maybe that should be my New Year's Resolution! To finally finish reading Richard F. Burton's translation of the 1001 Arabian Nights!

Batman takes out The Joker's Daughter and Mister Freeze quite easily. Bane and Ivy plan on ambushing Batman though. Although Catwoman and Killer Croc set up an ambush of their own to spring on Bane. And it looks like Ivy was in on it as well.

Killer Croc takes down Bane by cutting off his supply of Venom and then lacerating him in dozens of places so that Bane begins to bleed out, drugs and all. He wants to make an example of Bane somehow but I don't think the somehow will be revealed this week. But it was this revenge against Bane for throwing Croc out of Wayne Tower which allowed Catwoman to manipulate Croc to help Batman.

Oh. I guess that's the example. Humiliate Bane and prove to everybody that Croc ain't no dummy. He even knows a little French!

So Batman packs up a bunch of villains having only lost Poison Ivy who knew to get out while the getting out was particularly decent. Scarecrow, before falling, tries to convince Batman that The Riddler knows more than he's been riddling about the chaos in Gotham. But my money is still on Catwoman being behind it all! That Batman needs to be taught a fucking lesson, the arrogant prat!

Finally, Jason Bard goes to see Jim Gordon in prison and confesses everything to him. Bard explains that he can make it all right but he needs allies and he needs help. Gordon's advice is to do everything legally and by the book from here on out or none of it will count for anything. Also, Jim would very much like to be let out of Blackgate, please.

Batman Eternal #38 Rating: No change. This was a good chapter for the current Catwoman title. It helps to explain how she built up her reputation so fast amongst the Gotham Underworld by removing the crazy, super villain element from the playing board. So Selina really is playing all sides to set herself up as the savior of Gotham. Batman might frown on her method of restoring order to the city but is it really any more illegal than the things Batman does to maintain order? Hell, it's a lot less violent!

FRIENDS UPDATE!
In the second episode of the season, you can already see how the Pilot was tweaked to make the show more successful while maintaining its artistic edge. Joey's hair wasn't quite as moppy, and now he seems to be as into food as he is into women. It's played as jokey here but foreshadows the dark, gluttonous life ahead of him as he continues his lonely pursuit of fame. Monica is a clean freak with parental issues, indicating a personality that is going to eventually spiral into loneliness and, quite possibly, madness. Phoebe is still spacey but they decided to give her a more grown-up look. But it's still her childlike naivete that allows the viewer to accept the chilling and macabre experiences from her past. Chandler didn't tell one dream but he loves to tell jokes every chance he gets, if the definition of a joke is mentioning other television shows or old folk songs without much context. At one point Rachel says, "I was in the kitchen," and Chandler finishes, "With Dinah?" The audience goes wild for this joke! Later, while watching Potato's Sonogram, he says, "Star Trek!" or something, and everybody goes crazy. Chandler's obviously the character trying hardest to keep from getting too close to the others. What dark secret lies in his past that has taught him a harsh lesson that every relationship ends in inevitable loss and pain? The producers seem to have decided that the laugh track worked best when calibrated to The Big Bang theory range where the audience titters at nearly everything and guffaws whenever anything is said that probably deserves more than a titter. Ross seems to have been cast perfectly as a literal sack of potatoes because he's still a literal sack of potatoes. But now he's having a baby sack of potatoes with his wife and her lesbian partner. He reacts even more like a sack with even more potatoes in it. Rachel continues to be The Newborn Babe, having gone from spoiled rich brat to a completely blank slate now lost in a new reality where people get jobs and aren't completely shallow. Or, at least, shallow in a totally different way than rich people are shallow. She is the cypher brought in amongst the already close set of friends which will allow all of the others to see themselves through her newborn eyes where they'll learn something about themselves and, just possibly, be saved. Still no sign of the monkey or Gunther.

I forgot to mention my favorite joke of the Pilot Episode! It's when Phoebe said her mother committed suicide. Ha ha! Oh, hilarious. The only time I laughed during this episode was when Ross's ex-wife suggested they name the baby "Helen" if it's a girl and Ross said, "Seriously? Helen Geller?" Ha ha! Maybe you had to hear the way he delivered the line. Kind of like a chicken stuffed in a sack of potatoes, choking on a worm. Anyway, you can't go wrong with a good Helen Keller joke! Although this is probably the best Helen Keller joke: Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman. Ha ha! Get it? Women can't operate machines as well as men can! You expect the punchline to be ableist but then it goes all M. Night Shyamalan on you and winds up being sexist!

Futures End #34

First hook-up of 2015: Father Time and The Atom!

I know you're all super excited about my Friends Updates but I haven't watched the second episode yet! I'm sure they spend some time in Central Perk engaging in the kind of witty banter that caused everybody watching at home to say, "Fucking White people." I mean, more probably people were sitting at home screaming with laughter while tears filled their faces, trying to catch their breath for just a moment so they could turn to their loved ones and say, "You're just like <INSERT FRIENDS CHARACTER HERE>!"

Now that we're all through with the holidays, when do all of the television shows start up again?! Especially the second half of Mad Men Season 7! I feel like I've been waiting a year for that season to continue!

When Futures End #33 ended, Firestorm was about to be killed by Doctor Polaris. Doctor Polaris is able to manipulate magnetic fields which allows him to control metal. If only Firestorm had the ability to defend against non-organic substances! Harumph! Poor Madison and Jason are doomed!

Ha ha! She's bad at superheroing because she's a girl!

Come on, Madison! Don't bring shame to the name of my alter ego! Not Tess but my other alter ego! No, not Grunion Guy, the other one! Not The Red Lizard either! Man, I just realized I have a lot of alter egos. Madison is the name of my high-voiced character that I use while playing First Person Shooters. Madison is super friendly and just wants everybody to have a good time! Madison also gets called horrible names quite frequently. Hey, did you guys know that a high percentage of people who play multiplayer video games are jerks? You'd be surprised!

Madison should be able use her powers instinctively to fight back and save her life instead of lifting up her skirts and yelling, "Eeek! A Doctor Polaris!" The first time some random guy attacked me on the street, I knew enough to bash him over the head with my skateboard and begin screaming like a madman that I was going to kill him as I chased him back the way he'd come. Then later that night when his friend tracked me and my friend down to a 7-11 and his friend punched me in the face, I knew to get back up off the ground, smash this new asshole in arm as hard as I could with the trucks on my skateboard (I was aiming for his face but he blocked. Lucky for him!) which drove that guy away as well, even though he was about a foot taller than me and had huge muscles. The next day, I could barely lift my arm from swinging the skateboard so hard. My friend Paul and I actually waited for the cops after that incident to report what happened and the police had just come from talking to the other guys (who called the cops on us! Jerks!) and one of the cops said to me, and I might be misquoting him a bit here but I think I have the general message behind what he said at the time: "Those other guys are fucked up and bleeding all over the place." I think I would have made a natural Firestorm!

Meanwhile, The Atom and Father Octocock engage in a lively debate about whether The Engineer has been compromised by Brainiac (she has. She's always being compromised by everything!). Father Octocock agrees with me. But The Atom has a different point of view on the subject. I think he's going to give an elegant defense for his position!

A Shrink R.A.Y.! So it does exist! Batman of Japan is going to be ecstatic when he learns he'll be able to fuck his sidekick now!

Palmer removers Father Octocock from the body it had created around it and waves it around like a pom-pom. That's when Frankenstein is shot in the back by a SHADE Agent and Amethyst declares, "He's dying!" How can she tell?

Back in Las Vegas, Voodoo, Mercy, and Bangers and Mash are just waiting around until they hear from Sgt. Rock or King Faraday about their next mission. They were supposed to kill Fifty Sue but it looks like she's now on their team. And Brother Eye has been taken care of, so now what do they do?

Yay! A new mission! Or an invite to play some World of Greyhawk.

Over in New York City, Terry McBatman is about to learn the hard way that when speaking to your internal A.I. Butler (or wherever he's located. Where is he located? In the future?), sometimes other people are listening in. Oh, and other people are always listening in to everything if the other person is The Batman. And now that Batman is doing some detective work on his own, perhaps he won't try to stop Terry McBatman once he figures out what Terry is up to.

Also, he might want to join the side of the fight that doesn't have this creature on it.

Futures End #34 Rating: No change. Still not much has changed since Cadmus Island was destroyed. It feels like everybody is regrouping and getting ready to face the next battle they don't yet know is coming: Brainiac! Okay, Father Time knows Brainiac is coming. But who's going to believe a cock-faced octopus? There's only one thing I'm not yet sure about:

When did these characters enter the story and what the fuck Earth are they from?

The Multiversity: New Thunderworld Adventures #1

I hope he's called Captain Marvel in this so that he can say his own name without accidentally transforming.

This year, I'm going to steep myself in one of the most intellectually challenging television programs to ever air on network television: Friends! One episode per day for however many episodes there are! Probably like ten thousand. That's using exaggeration for comedic effect! Probably about as much comedic effect as the first episode of Friends contains! I think the first episode was mostly spent calibrating the levels on the laugh track. The rest of the episode was spent setting up the premise of the series which is that these characters are friends. Oh, it also introduced the characters! Monica is the one with a flat ass that wears potato sacks as clothing. Ross is literally a sack of potatoes. Chandler is the one that isn't as attractive as the others so he has to talk about his dreams a lot. Phoebe is the one that doesn't get as many lines as the others because she believes in wacky doodle things. Joey is the one that loves to fuck women and needs a haircut. And Rachel is the rich one that doesn't know how to live life. But she's going to learn with some help from her new friends!

From now on, my Friends Updates will appear after the comic book commentary so I don't bore everybody with intellectual criticism that's even more abstruse than my usual comic book critiques. I hope if you're interested in learning more about one of the greatest works of art ever to have been created and shown on prime time network television to millions of people who couldn't process what they were seeing because they simply didn't have the deep theological, ontological, historical, and entomological background needed to truly appreciate Friends, you won't be too intimidated by my grandiose language and join me on a journey of true discovery! Plus I think later there is a monkey in it!

Until my next Friends update, we'll immerse ourselves in less highbrow waters by reading the next tale in Grant Morrison's "The Multiversity" series. This one takes place on Thunderworld, an aptly named Earth because people that yell "Shazam!" cause thunder and lightning. Or maybe just certain people who found themselves in front of an old wizard who gave them the power of the Rock of Eternity. And then a whole slew of other people (and a tiger!) that Billy Batson decided to share his power with. What a good kid, that Billy!

Our story begins, as every true Captain Marvel story does, at The Rock of Eternity where the old wizard Shazam is suddenly faced with a rival Rock!

It's a tale of science versus magic! Although probably not as satisfying as the tale on the same topic being woven by Ann Nocenti over in Klarion.

By speaking Dr. Sivana's name aloud, his children now become Scientific Marvels! Obviously superior than the crappy old Magic Marvels that rely on superstition and make-believe to power them.

Holy heck! What's going on in my pants area?! SHAAAAAAAAZAM!

Down in Fawcett City, Billy Batson encounters Billy Batson from one day in the future! Unless it's two days in the future since the calendar suddenly contains a new day called Sivanaday. That's the day Captain Marvel is killed by Black Sivana, his brother, and their sister with the huge swooners and the long gams and the tight little mini-skirt!

Holy heck! What's that funny feeling I'm feeling inside my lower belly?!

Captain Marvel lets out his mighty Marvel Whistle to summon the rest of the Marvel Family to help battle the Sivana Family. Oh man. I hope Mary Marvel isn't as hot as Georgia, Sivana's daughter, because I might just go crazy with lust! I'd better pull out my mattress full of cornflakes so I don't get any funny ideas tonight!

Doctor Sivana has learned about the Multiverse and its parallel Earths by reading Grant Morrison's comic books. Now the Doctor Sivana's across all the universes have teamed up to create Sivanaday, the Day In Which Captain Marvel Dies! One of Doctor Sivana's counterparts is a snake. Is he Doctor Hissivana? Ha ha! That's just the kind of witty joke that the residents of Fawcett City would appreciate, seeing as how it wasn't blue at all!

Now Doctor Sivana is turning the Rock of Eternity into a cube farm. He's putting down awfully cheap carpet, installing florescent lights, and sprucing the place up with potted cacti. I'm sure the motivational posters and the Human Resources department aren't far behind. Doctor Sivana has realized the one true way to suck the magic out of the heart of the world: turn it into an office!

Arg! Whack! Oof! I think...I think...NO! The wizard is getting a case of the Mondays!

As Captain Marvel battles the Sivana Family, The Marvel Family shows up to, um, battle the Sivana Family too! Maybe I should have thought a little harder on that sentence construction. But I was kind of distracted by the strangest feelings in my lower body. It's as if I really need to pee but in a super good way!

Look at where her arm...and the way her leg...oh...oh my...*shudder*.

Junior knocks Black Junior to the moon while Georgia compares her body with Mary Marvel's. If "compare" is the right word! Why am I suddenly picturing apples and oranges?! Big, ripe, luscious oranges and little, tiny perky apples?

Somebody's about to wish they were wearing something other than spandex!

Junior tricks Georgia into saying "Sivana" and she turns back into her regular old self. Well, that was a stupid plan, Junior. Although if I were confronted with her, um, her, well, her everything and I was wearing spandex, I'd probably want her to not look like she's been looking because total embarrassment, right?! I mean, not for me though! Everybody would look at my pants area and say, "Whoa. Why do they call you Junior?!"

I hope guys with big dongs brag about their big dongs so it doesn't look like I'm bragging about having a big dong because I might have a little dong! I mean, they do because my dong is so big, you wouldn't believe! But not too big if too big is undesirable to the ladies! Then it's the perfect size, probably! No wait! It's a little bigger than the perfect size! Which is actually the perfect size!

While the Mavels battled the Sivanas, Doctor Sivana let loose The Monster Society!

It's Tawny the Tiger! Silly tiger! Monster-hunting weapons are for kids!

Captain Marvel heads to the Rock of Eternity to punch Doctor Sivana's teeth straight! All of the other Doctor Sivanas are giddy with blood lust!

Well, most of them, anyway.

On board the scientific Rock of Eternity, Captain Marvel confronts the true Black Sivana, a monster created from pure science which seems a lot like magic. Captain Marvel kind of points out the same thing. But first he needs to travel to yesterday to warn himself to not ignore the warning which he warned himself of yesterday. The warning makes Captain Marvel aware that Sivanaday is the shortest day of the year because the Alternate Earth Sivanas cheated Earth-5 Sivana by giving him shitty Suspemdium! And once Sivanaday ends, Black Sivana is no more! Captain Marvel wins again!

Oh man how I would wreck that smile. Um, I mean, three cheers for the Marvel Family! Hip hip hooray! And two more!

Trinity of Sin #3

"Oh god! What are all these monsters?! And why are we all so overdressed?!"

My 2015 New Year's Resolution is to start shoving a twenty sided die up my ass just before I shit so that I can yell, "Critical!" as I poop.

I reread last month's commentary last year, so I do not remember what had been taking place in this comic book. My memories are currently a hazy collage of shimmering alcohol, sweaty naked flesh, and blood. Holy Christ, so much blood. But I do think Quackers the Cosmic Duck was making trouble for the poor, misunderstood Trinity of What The Fuck Did We Do To Deserve This?

This issue begins with Pandora remembering that time she was visiting the Winslows when she opened a box that released all the evil into the world and then said, "Did I do that?" But eventually she realized that she was just a prisoner of a mediocre catch phrase and she rose above being typecast as the Mother of All Monsters to become The Ray of Hope and Light! Or something. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Does anybody understand this comic book? Do they want to tell me what profound, thematic conclusions they've reached while reading about the Trinity of Sin? I think this series is trying to teach people not to rat out their best friend even when he totally wants you to, and not to open unmarked boxes, and to always be asking, "Who am I?" The problem is I'm always going to rat out my friend if that's what he needs, I'm certainly going to keep opening unmarked boxes, and I'm never going to ask "Who am I?" because I know I'm not the type of person that needs other people to see how fucking introspective I am. I fucking know who I am! And I'm a bad-ass motherfucker!

I bet The Question is pointing at something he doesn't recognize and asking, "Who am I?"

The Trinity have found themselves on Earth That Was or Will Be or Has Become or Something. Quackers the Cosmic Duck is using the guilt of the Trinity of Sin to reshape Earth into Shadow Earth, home of the Cosmic Duck People. But The Phantom Stranger digs deep into the wellspring of his personality which is composed entirely of not wanting to be punished and constantly rebelling against Dog to say, "What if I kill myself before the spell is finished? Will it save the world?" And then The Question said, "Hey! You stole my dialogue! I can tell because it ended in a question mark!" And Pandora said, "I have these guns!"

Quackers the Cosmic Duck quickly gets to first base with The Phantom Stranger because she remembers he's totally into kissing people he's going to betray. Quackers is all, "Mmm! Mmm! Did Christ use any tongue? Should I use tongue? Do ducks have tongues?" The Phantom Stranger loses his mind which is the appropriate reaction to having been kissed by a Cosmic Duck that's actually kind of sexually appealing. Everybody is captured. But Pandora is less attracted to female Cosmic Ducks than the other two, so she breaks free and later frees them from their captivity as sex slaves.

I don't know what kind of contraption The Question is in but I think I want one.

The Trinity wind up in the Woods of Uncertainty outside of Quackers' domain. It's pretty exciting stuff if you're into boring fantasy books that exceed five hundred pages because they're filled with scenes that don't fucking matter. So far, this story feels like J.M. DeMatteis is filling time until he can figure out what this story is supposed to be about. At least I hope that's what he's doing or else Quackers the Cosmic Duck is just a re-skinned version of Blight with some minor tweaks to her history.

And to continue the Fantasy Book Theme J.M. seems to be going with, he gives The Trinity a quest! A quest to find the Box of Redemption!

If this where the Shannara series instead of a twenty page comic book, this page alone would comprise five different books.

Oho! The Box of Redemption, is it?! It will save humanity but, coincidentally, it could also save them! Because don't the Trinity of Sin need some kind of redemption? I mean, I don't think they do. But the characters themselves and everybody they encounter seems to think they need redemption.

I bet Quackers also needs it! Why else would Quackers allow them to go questing for so long without stopping them?

Surprise!

Trinity of Sin #3 Rating: No change. What's in the box? What's in the box!? What's in the BOX!!? WHAT'S in THE box!!!? WHAT'S IN THE BOX!!!!?