Batman Eternal #38

Batman Eternal has now run more issues than any other comic book in The New 52.

Friends Update!

With Jason Bard having lost the respect of all of the honest cops in Gotham and possibly some of the corrupt ones as well, Batman feels he's able to turn his attention to the daily chaos of Gotham City for a bit. Right now, that involves yet another mass escape from Arkham Asylum. This time it was because The Spectre dropped a Vengeance Bomb all over Arkham Grounds and sank the fucking hospital. The inmates who weren't found bleeding out or pinned under debris made a break for it and now they've started a new gang. Those inmates are Bane, The Scarecrow, Clayface, Poison Ivy, The Joker's Daughter, and Mr. Freeze.

Catwoman has been helping Batman to uncover their location because Catwoman really wants Batman to get off her back and stop lecturing her simply because she's trying to save the city in a different way than he is.

Is anybody ever going to talk about what Clayface did to Poison Ivy back in Detective Comics #15?

And after I don't know how many issues, the story once again turns to Jim Gordon in Blackgate Penitentiary. He was so close to getting free after his daughter, Batwoman, and Red Hood found evidence that would have exonerated him but they handed it over to Jason Bard without ever making a copy of it. That doesn't seem likely, does it? You know what else doesn't seem likely? That Batgirl would have just shrugged her shoulders and gone on with her life after they failed to free her father. Especially after she went so far off the rails that Batman sent Jason Todd to look after her. She must be working on another plan that the reader just hasn't been privy to up until now. Maybe Jim let everybody know that he's fine in Blackgate for now. Maybe he knows he can help with this entire mess better from behind bars. Especially since his bunkmate is Rex Calabrese.

I first heard the Urban Legend of the Ether Bunny from my friend Bob when he got back from the first war in Iraq. It seems The Ether Bunny Urban Legend was mentioned way back in Richard F. Burton's The Book of The Thousand Nights and a Night! See the link to my Richard F. Burton page for more fun notes by good old Dick! Maybe that should be my New Year's Resolution! To finally finish reading Richard F. Burton's translation of the 1001 Arabian Nights!

Batman takes out The Joker's Daughter and Mister Freeze quite easily. Bane and Ivy plan on ambushing Batman though. Although Catwoman and Killer Croc set up an ambush of their own to spring on Bane. And it looks like Ivy was in on it as well.

Killer Croc takes down Bane by cutting off his supply of Venom and then lacerating him in dozens of places so that Bane begins to bleed out, drugs and all. He wants to make an example of Bane somehow but I don't think the somehow will be revealed this week. But it was this revenge against Bane for throwing Croc out of Wayne Tower which allowed Catwoman to manipulate Croc to help Batman.

Oh. I guess that's the example. Humiliate Bane and prove to everybody that Croc ain't no dummy. He even knows a little French!

So Batman packs up a bunch of villains having only lost Poison Ivy who knew to get out while the getting out was particularly decent. Scarecrow, before falling, tries to convince Batman that The Riddler knows more than he's been riddling about the chaos in Gotham. But my money is still on Catwoman being behind it all! That Batman needs to be taught a fucking lesson, the arrogant prat!

Finally, Jason Bard goes to see Jim Gordon in prison and confesses everything to him. Bard explains that he can make it all right but he needs allies and he needs help. Gordon's advice is to do everything legally and by the book from here on out or none of it will count for anything. Also, Jim would very much like to be let out of Blackgate, please.

Batman Eternal #38 Rating: No change. This was a good chapter for the current Catwoman title. It helps to explain how she built up her reputation so fast amongst the Gotham Underworld by removing the crazy, super villain element from the playing board. So Selina really is playing all sides to set herself up as the savior of Gotham. Batman might frown on her method of restoring order to the city but is it really any more illegal than the things Batman does to maintain order? Hell, it's a lot less violent!

FRIENDS UPDATE!
In the second episode of the season, you can already see how the Pilot was tweaked to make the show more successful while maintaining its artistic edge. Joey's hair wasn't quite as moppy, and now he seems to be as into food as he is into women. It's played as jokey here but foreshadows the dark, gluttonous life ahead of him as he continues his lonely pursuit of fame. Monica is a clean freak with parental issues, indicating a personality that is going to eventually spiral into loneliness and, quite possibly, madness. Phoebe is still spacey but they decided to give her a more grown-up look. But it's still her childlike naivete that allows the viewer to accept the chilling and macabre experiences from her past. Chandler didn't tell one dream but he loves to tell jokes every chance he gets, if the definition of a joke is mentioning other television shows or old folk songs without much context. At one point Rachel says, "I was in the kitchen," and Chandler finishes, "With Dinah?" The audience goes wild for this joke! Later, while watching Potato's Sonogram, he says, "Star Trek!" or something, and everybody goes crazy. Chandler's obviously the character trying hardest to keep from getting too close to the others. What dark secret lies in his past that has taught him a harsh lesson that every relationship ends in inevitable loss and pain? The producers seem to have decided that the laugh track worked best when calibrated to The Big Bang theory range where the audience titters at nearly everything and guffaws whenever anything is said that probably deserves more than a titter. Ross seems to have been cast perfectly as a literal sack of potatoes because he's still a literal sack of potatoes. But now he's having a baby sack of potatoes with his wife and her lesbian partner. He reacts even more like a sack with even more potatoes in it. Rachel continues to be The Newborn Babe, having gone from spoiled rich brat to a completely blank slate now lost in a new reality where people get jobs and aren't completely shallow. Or, at least, shallow in a totally different way than rich people are shallow. She is the cypher brought in amongst the already close set of friends which will allow all of the others to see themselves through her newborn eyes where they'll learn something about themselves and, just possibly, be saved. Still no sign of the monkey or Gunther.

I forgot to mention my favorite joke of the Pilot Episode! It's when Phoebe said her mother committed suicide. Ha ha! Oh, hilarious. The only time I laughed during this episode was when Ross's ex-wife suggested they name the baby "Helen" if it's a girl and Ross said, "Seriously? Helen Geller?" Ha ha! Maybe you had to hear the way he delivered the line. Kind of like a chicken stuffed in a sack of potatoes, choking on a worm. Anyway, you can't go wrong with a good Helen Keller joke! Although this is probably the best Helen Keller joke: Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman. Ha ha! Get it? Women can't operate machines as well as men can! You expect the punchline to be ableist but then it goes all M. Night Shyamalan on you and winds up being sexist!

Arkham War #1

My guess is The Mad Hatter is picked last. Even after Mr. Combustible with the light bulb head.

My picks (and reasons) for my army from the characters on the cover (excluding Bane since he's the other captain!):

Deadshot. He's good at killing and, aside from a minor death wish, not insane.
Poison Ivy. With her on the team, you'd have control of every battlefield. Also less insane than the others.
Ferdie. I think even insane people are unmanned by a ventriloquist's puppet running around drilling out people's eyes. I'd only pick Shauna the Ventriloquist as well if I had to pick them together. She's fucking nuts!
Scarecrow. He's going to cause fear and chaos no matter what, so I might as well pretend that he's working toward my ends. I'd have Deadshot ready to pull the trigger on him at the first sign of him turning on his own.
The Prankster. It's modern warfare! You definitely need a techie on your team.
Man-bat. Even though I can't stand him, I'll need an air force. I'd only take the more psychotic Woman-bat to maintain air superiority.
The White Rabbit. If I need anything scouted that can't be seen by air, she'd be the best of this bunch. Not a whole lot of real super powers in this bunch, so I think she'd be uncatchable. Although she'd probably turn on me.
Killer Croc. I'd need some muscle to go against Bane's venom crazed Blackgate crew. Croc is more reliable than what we've seen lately from Clayface.
Mr. Freeze. Simply for his technology. His brand of insanity probably wouldn't really hamper the war effort either.
Talon. I suppose having an undying death dealer would be good to have. Although I might need The Court of Owls to keep him under control. And who wants them in the war room? They won't try to win the war. They'll drive it toward a stalemate! Jerks.

I think everyone else is too crazy or useless for my tastes. Who needs The Riddler leaving clues to each of your offensives? The Penguin and Emperor Blackgate are going to be more concerned with wresting control from me. The Joker's Daughter is written by Nocenti so I'm not going to want to hear her awkward, stilted dialogue. Two-Face won't take orders from anybody but his coin. The Mad Hatter has a bit of a low self-esteem problem and I think he'd resent being an underling. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are idiotic characters. Having a serial killer amongst the troops is sure to bring down morale, so Zsasz is out. Dollmaker is out for pretty much the same reason. The others I either don't recognize or I just don't know enough about, like Black Mask or Professor Pyg or The Reaper.

I'm almost certain my entire army would be wiped out almost immediately by Bane's thousands of venomized prisoners out of Blackgate along with The White Rabbit already working for him and telling Bane all of my movements. Why did I pick her?!

Anyway, Bane wants Gotham. Gotham has currently been parceled out amongst the nutcases of Arkham by The Penguin. That means Turf War! Let's go!

Bane's first stop was Blackgate to pick up more soldiers. Gee, I hope Warden Agatha is okay!

Commissioner Gordon and Detective Pierce (who just made detective last year, so I don't think I should be familiar with her. I also don't know if she's an old Preboot character either) watch the chaos from the rooftop of Police Headquarters without bothering to turn on the Bat Signal. It'd probably just seem like a mockery at this point since they've lost all hope that Batman or the other Justice League members are alive. They know Bane has taken Blackgate and he's got a small army invading from the sea. And Gotham is no longer in GCPD's control because the inmates are running the outside of the asylum. Gotham is pretty much down for the count.

You know things are bad when the title of the comic is a pun on a horrible moment in history! Why not name this "The Hollow Cost" or "The Trail of Fears"? Maybe those will be the titles of future issues!

I can tell I'm really getting into a comic book when I already want to scan my third image and I'm only on page five. I suppose scanning the title doesn't really count. But page five takes place in Gotham Memorial Hospital, so I'm already a little bit creeped out. If you want to tap into my ancestral instinct for scary places, empty hospitals usually do the trick. Which sucks for me because it's a trope that's constantly being used! Also, I don't know why my ancestors were so scared of empty hospitals that it seeped into our DNA and now I'm paying the price. But since I'm rational and science-minded, I have to believe there is a logical explanation for the thing I just made up.

Another ancestral fear: small people that all look the same. Although if they dance and sing morality tales, it mostly mitigates the fear. It's still creepy though.

Professor Pyg has been given the section of Gotham with the hospital and I'm glad he's the first psychotic to be highlighted since I know little about him. He has just finished a major transplant on a professional violinist and he's just chasing him down to examine the surgery and make sure the violinist's body isn't rejecting the donor foot.

Seems okay! I don't think he'll be very good at violin anymore. But I do sense a huge soccer contract coming his way!

The Scarecrow drops by as part of his journey across Gotham to warn everybody that the Banecoats are coming. But Professor Pyg isn't buying it. He's got the injured to heal and the sick to kill.

Pyg's hospital looks like any Grand Theft Auto game ten minutes into playing.

At this point, I'm more interested in Scarecrow's encounters with all of Gotham's insane residents than I am interested in the big war that's going to take place! It's got a nice Alice in Wonderland feel going. But pretty soon somebody is going to get punched in the face and that never happened in Wonderland. Decapitations galore. But no face punchings.

Ha! Speaking of Wonderland. But then, Gotham has always been fixated on the works of Carroll.

So what are all the normal citizens of Gotham doing during this time? Do they all have "When Gotham Falls Apart" bunkers to hide away inside? You'd definitely get your moneys worth out of one of those things. Although the money would probably be better used renting a U-haul and getting the fuck out of that city.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Prison, Bane has killed or recruited all of the inmates. Now it's time for him to fall in love with Agatha!

I sense some John McClane Die Hard shit about to go down in this prison!

The Warden doesn't give up secrets and shit because she has a fucking eye-patch. So one of the top security guards points the way to a sealed wing of the basement that houses unknown weapons. Bane breaks in and finds a half-dozen Talons in cold storage. Don't do it, Bane! Don't start another Night of the Owls crossover! Please! Although this might actually be good. It'll be a way for Tomasi to deal with all of these dangerous zombie assassins that even Batman doesn't know what to do with. They can all be killed in the Arkham War by Mr. Freeze or maybe the Gotham Butcher will feel upstaged and eat most of them.

Meanwhile the Scarecrow holds a meeting with the new Mayor Cobblepot about the impending threat looming on their Neighborhood Collective. Oswald tells Jonathan to buck the fuck up and fight for what's his. I also notice that, not having a hair cut in about nine months, I've got The Penguin's hair and hairline. Maybe if I gained forty pounds, lost about ten inches of height, and shaved off the sideburns, I could go as The Penguin for Halloween! Gaining the weight would be nice because I could blame it on the costume! But I'm not sure how to lose the height. Jump off the roof a few times?

The Penguin's plan to help the city is to destroy the bridges so that the Arkham Residential Leaders can't flee and must fight to protect their new real estate. Bane's plan to help the city is to maim Professor Pyg and the rest of the loonies. For some reason, he just has to have Gotham. I suppose that's motive enough for his attack on the city. But what's the underlying reason for the conquest? Why does he need to be the sole authority? Why Gotham? What happens once he takes control? Does he just kill, maim, and burn through all the resources until he's the sole authority of a burning pile of rubble and corpses? I don't believe he actually knows what he's going to do. This is just a super powered tantrum. His sole motive is to win or knock the playing board and pieces from the table so that nobody else can.

Arkham War #1 Rating: Villains Month may have delivered quite a few misses but I'm enjoying Forever Evil and I'm enjoying this more! I don't need super dark comics with lots of angst-ridden fisticuffs. Dark humor with the Arkham Asylum inmates though? Oh yes. Definitely yes. Peter Tomasi really knows how to write to the characters instead of just sticking cyphers in costumes and forcing them into exciting plots. The Scarecrow makes sense. Bane makes sense. The Penguin makes fucking sense! At times I feel like I can't entirely explain why a certain comic book series isn't working for me. Sure, I can attack the writer's mother's womb for the horrible disaster it brought forth into the world but sometimes I just can't place my finger on why the writer is such a disaster. Seeing how well Tomasi sculpts a script and story to the characters, now I can see precisely why Ann Nocenti is so horrible with Catwoman. It's because she doesn't know the character and, judging by interviews I've read from her about Green Arrow and Catwoman, she doesn't seem to care that she doesn't know the character! She thinks boiling historical characters down to a couple of bullet points means understanding the character. And she claims to over-research her subjects. Well, that I believe by all the bullshit lingo she adds to any story, half of which she uses incorrectly. But I don't believe she over-researches the characters she writes. But I kind of get that, as well. She wants to bring her own unique spin to the character and not be influenced by past writers. I get it. But I don't agree with it. Not in the comic book format where the characters aren't their costumes! They are an amalgamation of all that written history. You can't just fucking ignore that and then get excited when you decide to give Catwoman a cat. As if she's never had a cat before!

Scarecrow #1

Those must be self-hating Crows to be working with the Scarecrow.

I'm going to start with something that has nothing to do with anything because I've had this quote in an open notepad note for about a week now. And every time I want to open an old notepad file, I have to copy it before opening the file. Then I paste it back in to notepad after I'm done with the old file. Mostly because I don't need to save this quote for any reason but I did want to talk about it. So now I'm talking about it!

This is from the comment section from the CRPG Addict's blog after he wrote about why he likes crossword puzzles rather than sudoku:

When you get to Might & Magic's Xeen series, you will get your crossword puzzle in one of the dungeons. Of course, I forget if it is in Clouds or Darkside at the moment :) When you complete it, be ready for an "Interesting" reward.

It's comments like these that boggle my trying-to-live-a-spoiler-free-life mind. I know the commenter is just trying to connect and engage in dialogue. But the need to ruin even the surprise of a crossword puzzle being encountered in an RPG hurts my non-existent soul. It's a well-meaning comment but ruins so much of what makes discovery enjoyable. And to top it all off, he adds the "be ready" part of it. It's like going to see Empire Strikes Back and somebody saying, "Hey, you like twists? Be ready for a good one about Luke's father near the end!" Actually, it's really just like every movie trailer that says, "You won't believe the shocking twist ending!" Great. Now that you told me there was a twist, I'll have it figured out in the first ten fucking minutes. Assholes.

I know I'm being overly sensitive to this shit. But it's a truly ruinous comment in innocuous clothing, so I felt I needed to say something to somebody. You were the lucky somebody!

I don't know yet who's writing this issue but the "self-delusion is underrated" is a pretty fucking accurate statement. Ignorance is bliss for the person bathed in ignorance. Obviously if fucking sucks for everybody who has to put up with that asshole. But sentience is definitely a curse.

I recently mentioned how I don't go in for that whole "dissatisfaction with getting all you ever wanted" crap. I'm more of the Willy Wonka type and the living happily ever after once you've gotten everything you ever dreamed of. It's too fucking American to always want more and to think ambition has no ceiling. It's a travesty to teach people that they must continually grow or need more. Don't you know that happiness is being happy your needs satisfied? If you're dissatisfied with getting everything you've always wanted, you obviously have yet to get everything you've always wanted!

On the next page, I see Peter J. Tomasi is writing. That's a good thing because I really liked some of the shit coming out of the Scarecrow's mouth here and I didn't want to accidentally praise a writer I can't stand! That would have been embarrassing! I already feel like I failed my readership by liking Tom DeFalco's Shadow Thief story and actually giving a thumb's up to H'el's origin!

There sure are a lot of words in this comic book!

The panel above made me happy. Sometimes things just make me giddy and make me smile and make me love comic books. I love the idea of the lunatics of Arkham splitting up Gotham under the auspices of The Penguin. Sure, there's no way this peace can last. But I'm sure they'll all have fun trying to pretend for a day or two. And then Bane will think, "Why the fuck am I not kicking Cobblepot's ass?" And Poison Ivy will need another few acres to grow some gigantic Venus Flytraps on. And Mr. Freeze will accidentally flood Zsasz's killing fields as his ice melts in the noon day sun. Except there is no sun because the eclipse has eclipsed the entire world in the way comic book eclipses do. But the ice will melt anyway because Gotham City really isn't that fucking cold.

The Scarecrow is visiting all the districts to spread some gossip that will, hopefully, cause fear in the people that hear it. The news is about Blackgate Prison so I hope the news is that Emperor Blackgate is going to try to take over The Penguin's job. Again!

According to The Scarecrow, I must be insane.

I don't really think of dealing with the world as it is or as I think it should be. I just deal with my life as I want to live it and fuck all to what anybody else thinks.

Apparently "Would-Be World Conqueror" is still a regular occupation in The New 52.

The Scarecrow wanders about Gotham discussing the New World Order and how his peers fit into it with his new buddy Hudson, a guard from Arkham. As I said before, there are a lot of words. It's a very dense comic book as Scarecrow wanders about psychoanalyzing everything. And it's pretty fucking entertaining shit. Example time!

Hamlet: "Veggie or Meat-lovers? That is the question. Whether tis nobler to the stomach to suffer the pangs and bloating of Little Caeser's or link arms and forgive the shitty policies by patronizing Papa Johns?"

The Scarecrow visits The Riddler next who, like Mr. Freeze, declares that he's not crazy like all of the others. But unlike Mr. Freeze, he declares that he will remain neutral in any upcoming battles because he has everything he wants. But he does mention "bane" in a Riddler sort of way, so it's possible he already knows something is brewing and Bane is at the heart of it. Or I'm just acting paranoid trying to make sense of all of the crazy crap The Riddler says.

While The Scarecrow is looking for Poison Ivy, Hudson's cousin from Blackgate that he tried to kill attacks them.

And he's pumped up full of Venom! Looks like The Riddler was dropping a hint about Bane.

I forget what all the Forever Evil tie-ins are going to be but it seems like this is building up to some kind of Forever Evil Gotham War. I know there's an Arkham one and a Rogue's one. This must be the lead-in to the Arkham War or whatever it's called.

Killer Croc shows up long enough to put down the Venomized guard and then disappears back into his turf: the sewers. Although the Sewers now has to contend with Ann Nocenti's fantasy realm, Under-Gotham. I supposed I should get some of that in the Joker's Daughter issue later. And more Croc stuff in the Killer Croc issue. And Bane's plan over in the Bane issue. I think Gotham City has more escaped lunatics per capita than anywhere else in the world. Even Los Angeles!

The Scarecrow finishes his rounds and kills off Hudson because Hudson was just standing in as The Scarecrow's therapist. And The Scarecrow doesn't need him any more because he's talked through all of his problems and he's ready to take over Gotham. Just like, I'm sure, every other inmate is ready to do as well. Like I said: none of them are actually going to be happy with their tiny parcel of Gotham.

Scarcrow #1 Rating: This issue was really quite entertaining even if it was merely a prologue to Akrham War. I really hate writing this last paragraph where I sum up my thoughts on an issue because reviewing these things isn't really my intention here. So let me just end with one more piece of good advice from The Scarecrow instead of a coherent rating:

Just don't be a dick about it.

Scarecrow! (as seen in Batman and shit)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Jonathan Crane
Occupation: Former Professor of Psychology, now Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: Injustice Gang of the World
Base of Operations: Gotham City
First Appearance: WORLD'S FINEST COMICS #3
Height: 6' Weight: 140 lbs
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
When he was a small boy, Jonathan Crane liked to frighten birds. His fascination with the subject of fear persisted into adulthood. Crane became a professor of psychology at Gotham University and was known as an authority on the psychology of fear.

Crane was a tall, spindly figure who dressed shabbily, choosing to spend his money on books rather than clothing [Seems sensible to me!]. His faculty colleagues disliked and derided Crane, mockingly referring to him as "Scarecrow" Crane due to his appearance [Are y'all paying attention to Gotham Villains? Stop calling other people names because they're different than you! Because they're going to take that name and use it as their super-villain moniker! Everyone is just lucky I never decided to become the super-villain "Tiny Junk!" I would have stormed banks yelling, "I'm a grower not a shower! I mean, hands up, this is an erection! I mean stick up!"].

Crane's strange obsession with creating fear led him one day, while lecturing students on the subject of fear, suddenly to fire a bullet at a flower pot, shattering it. The students were unnerved to see their professor wielding a loaded gun in class [Oh, such simpler times.].

One afternoon Crane overheard some of his colleagues mocking his shabby, scarecrow-like appearance. Bitterly, Crane decided that if he had much more money, he would gain his colleagues' respect, and be able to dress better and buy still more books [I just lost all respect for Crane because he needs the respect of his douchebag peers.]. The next day he lectured about the ways criminals extorted "protection" money from victims through fear. Later, Crane decided to turn criminal himself, utilizing his knowledge of creating fear. He took the guise of the Scarecrow, believing it to be a perfect symbol of fear and poverty combined.

As the Scarecrow, Crane hired himself out to people who wanted others intimidated through illegal means [As opposed to legal means like setting cops and lawyers on people.]. Crane was fired from the university for his fanatical teachings and classroom behavior. The Batman deduced that Crane was the Scarecrow, and he and Robin captured him (see Batman II, Nightwing).

The Scarecrow, who has become a notorious master thief and has clashed repeatedly with The Batman, leaves straws behind at the scenes of his crimes. Besides using conventional means of terrorizing his victims and opponents, the Scarecrow has also devised various scientific means of affecting the human brain to create the sensation of fear. It has become apparent over the years, however, that Crane himself is subject to fears, including the fear of capture by The Batman.

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Scarecrow is a brilliantly cunning criminal mastermind and psychologist who is an expert at creating terror. He can induce fear in a person by affecting his or her mind with a special fear-inducing gas, high frequency waves transmitted by electronic devices, or a fear-inducing pheromone chemical.

The Scarecrow has little skill at hand-to-hand combat [I just love how every single entry has to give a shitty, generalized description of their brawling ability.].

Batman: The Dark Knight #14

Batman has been gassed by Crane about a half dozen times since the Reboot. Can you say "Fear Toxin Addict"?

It seems like Batman has spent a couple of weeks hallucinating in Crane's dirty basement. Well, he's finally escaped and he's ready for the physical altercation part of the confrontation with Jonathan Crane. This usually lasts about two panels. Batman paneling Crane and then Crane paneling the floor. Wait, that's not right.

Batman takes a scythe to the shoulder as he attacks The Scarecrow. And even though it penetrated Batman's suit, I won't argue that this is a hallucination. The Scarecrow probably has a Vorpal Scythe, +5 Against Flying Rodents. The Scarecrow believes Batman is still partially suffering from the fear toxin and that might explain what Batman does to the Scarecrow.

I think Batman panicked. Or I can simply believe Batman is completely in control of every move during a battle and there was never even a slight chance of the bat-grapple exploding Crane's head.

While The Scarecrow extricates himself from the roof, The Batman crawls off leaving a trail of blood. The Scarecrow grabs one vial of his Fear Toxin made from children's tears and his own piss, and frees the little girl he currently has locked up in the house. She runs outside just before the house explodes sending The Scarecrow tumbling across the yard. The house exploded due to some major damage to the water heater or the gas line or the electrical wiring or something. Maybe all of those things helped!

Robin finds Batman nearly out of his mind and nearly out of blood. He takes him back to Wayne Manor where Alfred fixes him some tea and fixes up his wounds.

Quick! Someone pee on Damian's face! You can make a Fear Toxin Antidote!

Let this be a lesson to you, Batman! Never confront The Scarecrow without taking some kind of precaution. You'd think he'd have some kind of anti-fear deodorant or Be Brave Aftershave (TM). The old sitcom Batman would have been ready! Although it would have looked like he wasn't ready by the end of the episode. You'd have to wait until the beginning of the next episode to realize Batman was never really in any danger. But even if Batman wasn't prepared to fight off the new super Fear Formula, he could have been a lot more cautious and gone in with a scuba tank or some other kind of breathing apparatus.

While the Batman and Gordon drill the little girl (interrogate her!), The Scarecrow heads off to speak with the most popular guy in Gotham right now.

Where the fuck is Ogilvy?

The Penguin has been causing trouble in all kinds of comics this Reboot. He's been selling Nuclear Missiles to Somali Pirates, he's been helping out young up and coming hoodlums, he's been fucking with Bruce Wayne, he's hired Lady Shiva to cause some trouble, he's attending The Joker's big party, and now he's helping The Scarecrow. He probably did some other things that I don't remember and those things were probably pretty vile. Oh yeah! He had Catwoman's Talon Daggers in her Night of the Owls crossover. Oswald should lose some weight with all the action he's getting.

The Scarecrow has hired The Penguin to build a Fear Toxin releasing blimp. Except for being paid in a big bag of diamonds, I'm not totally sure why The Penguin helps out Jonathan Crane on this one. The Penguin is a business man. Sure, he's an unethical businessman who will do anything he can to make some money or gain the upper hand in a deal. But helping The Scarecrow turn Gotham into a giant riot of panic? Well, hell. I guess there's money to be made even in that!

I hope this doesn't mess up The Joker's party.

Batman: The Dark Knight #14 Rating: No change. I wonder if the torture of Batman helped Crane develop an even stronger fear toxin? Not much really happened this issue. This issue was kind of like the hallway from the living room to the kitchen. You don't really spend much time there but there are usually a lot of pictures to look at on your way to the other end.

Batman: The Dark Knight #12

Oh Batman! Have you ever faced off against The Scarecrow without succumbing to his Fear Toxin? I'm beginning to think you get off on it.

Last issue ended with Batman being injected with Scarecrow's Fear Toxin while Batman was riding inside of a minecart beneath a ramshackle building where the Scarecrow was keeping Commissioner Gordon captive. It's probably not as silly or far-fetched as it sounds. Perhaps the only way to catch a genius like Batman in a trap is to make the trap really fucking ridiculous. So Scarecrow hides in a fridge on the porch with a cartoon shotgun. That's pretty nonsensical! Then he shoots Batman in the face when Batman decides to use the front door instead of crashing through a wall or a roof or a window like he would normally do because Batman's game is thrown off by the fridge on the porch. Then a trapdoor opens up in the front lawn and Batman falls through it into a mine cart which begins careening down tracks leading to who the fuck knows. And, of course, The Scarecrow has a trapdoor on the porch that allows him to drop directly on Batman and fill him full of chemicals. I might buy it if Grant Morrison were writing it!

That last line was a joke. Do I really have to explain that last line was a joke? I don't want people thinking that I seriously think a ridiculous scene would be better if written by a writer that usually comes up with terrific stuff (like having the Special Class in New X-Men! Genius!). What kind of a fanboy do you think I am?!

Apparently The Scarecrow's trap worked to perfection because this comic begins like this:

This Batman by Finch looks like something Simon Bisley would have drawn after eight scotches and being hit in the head by a two by four.

I've never quite understood why a villain would capture Batman like this and not unmask him. What the fuck is up with removing his shirt but leaving his cowl on? Some kind of stupid respect for the game between these two? I'm sure it will be explained away in a page or two. But I still find it ridiculous.

This issue is called "Mirror, Mirror." That doesn't inspire any hope in me that this will be anything but another "Look how similar Batman is to his crazy enemies" Batman story. The tragedy with Batman's parents is the biggest moment in Bruce's life. He loved them and was destroyed when they were taken away from him. But The Scarecrow's father tortured him constantly. My guess is Crane murdered his father at some point but still wants to make him proud. Batman will probably defeat Crane by using the similarities and differences between their relationships with their parents. Or maybe Batman will just put on some glasses and pretend he's Crane's father which will scare the shit out of Crane and he'll collapse in a blubbering heap.

Oh fuck me! It's explained away in the very next panel. And poorly! A locking mechanism! He should use the same mechanism on his shirt. I'm sure he uses it on his underwear.

Before Crane begins with his psychological fear experiments, he informs Batman that Gordon has been released. He was merely bait to collect the Bat.

That was my reaction too, Batman! This again! Maybe that means Hurwitz will change it up. Or it just means Hurwitz realizes he's treading the same old ground and thinks that having Batman realize it somehow pardons him of the offense.

I know the Scarecrow used to be a crazy psychologist (or psychiatrist. Whatever) so that's why he begins with wanting to discuss Batman's past. And the shadows of Batman's parents on the ground are likely caused by the Fear Toxin drugs still in Bruce's system. But the fact that Batman tells Crane, "I've dealt with my past," just seems batshit looney bins. Batman shouldn't be giving his enemies any clues to work with at all! Talking is bad, Batman! Just shut up and kick some ass. Now Crane is thinking, "A-ha! So there was something Batsy's past that he felt he needed to deal with!"

The next page confirms my speculations. The Scarecrow, of course, knows nothing about Batman's past. But it's a good bet to assume everyone had to deal with something. Batman becomes agitated and cries out, "You can't possibly know this! You can't see this!" And Crane agrees and says he doesn't care. He just cares how it feels. But again, Batman is just saying way too much. The Fear Toxin can be blamed for his mouthiness but I still can't believe that Batman went after The Scarecrow without a respirator or an antidote or something. Batman isn't the type to be caught going in overconfident. He fucking prepares for everything! Look over in Action Comics how he's bugging Superman! The fucking balls on that guy! But here he is, yet again shitting his batsuit in front of The Scarecrow.

Batman: "Hey, Alfred! I'm going to go catch The Scarecrow now!"
Alfred: "Yes, Master Bruce. I'll prepare the laundry."

See? Everyone is scared of something. The big twist is going to be Batman finding out what scares The Scarecrow.

After some flashbacks where Batman relives how much of a giant scaredy baby pantywaist he was, he turns the tables on The Scarecrow.

I think maybe Batman is still on that mine cart because this story line is on rails!

This story isn't satisfying my Batlust at all! And I love The Scarecrow. But since I'm being so negative, let's talk about something I like in the story.

Jonathan Crane's father would shove him in a tiny, dark pit to record his reactions to fear. So that's the big fear tie-in with The Scarecrow. He followed in his father's footsteps by studying fear as well. He also ended up testing unwilling subjects to learn as much as he can about fear. And a scarecrow is supposed to, you know, scare things! Crows, in particular! So that sort of ties-in to the fear experiments and all. But this image of what little Jonathan Crane would do when his father released him from the pit really ties it all together in a beautiful image.

I appreciate how he runs out to the most open space he can find after being confined by his father.

But then the comic hops right back on the manure truck. The shit express? The Space Shuttle of Diarrhea?

It's like Gregg Hurwitz read the first story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight and decided to rewrite it already! The first issue of this comic begins with Bruce Wayne declaring he will never be afraid. And then each subsequent issue exposes things that he fears. But forget all of those fears! Now the only thing Batman fears is fear!

The Scarecrow continues psychoanalyzing Batman by sheer speculation since he's not privy to any of Bruce's visions or memories. He finally decides that Bruce doesn't want to exist anymore. He doesn't want to feel loss or fear or pain. And that's pretty much how it ends.

The only way this comic can redeem itself is if next issue begins with Batman saying, "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Crane?" And then he punches Crane in the nose and says, "I'm so sick and tired of you criminals believing that there is a part of you inside of me. I'm not you. I'm not a scared little boy running from childhood trauma. I loved people who are gone now and I miss them but the memory of their death does not drive me to do what I do. The memory of their lives and who they were and what they stood for drives me. My butler Alfred reminds me every day that...oh shit! Well fuck. I guess I have to kill you, Doctor Crane!" The end!

Batman: The Dark Knight #12 Rating: No change. Maybe for a Reboot, this rehashed old Scarecrow story would fly for new readers. But, as I've said before, this is the third Scarecrow story in Batman titles so far this year. And the theme of fear is just a rehash of the theme of the first story arc in this same fucking title! Although I do like the look into the Scarecrow's past. I think that would give this book its own identity if each story really delved deeply into the criminal's story. But don't make every story the same old mirror of Batman shit. "Oh, look how similar Batman is to the Joker/Riddler/Penguin/Mad Hatter/Catwoman/Bane/Whatever."

Batman: The Dark Knight #11

How many times is Gordon going to be a victim?

Gordon has been kidnapped by The Scarecrow because The Scarecrow has some kind of deadly plan for him and The Batman. See, The Scarecrow is sick and tired of Batman and Gordon ruining his crimes. You can't be a criminal mastermind in Gotham City without being targeted by the lousy do-gooders. Of course, you can't be a lousy do-gooder without being targeted by the Dirty Fucking Gotham Cops either. You also can't be an average citizen without constantly fearing being killed by a Criminal Mastermind, harassed by a Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop, or having your property damaged by some overzealous do-gooder. The city is a goddamn wreck.

DC needs to think about what they're doing to Gotham City in The New 52. With all of the Batman and Batman Family titles, eighty percent of the action in the DCnU takes place in Gotham City. Another ten percent probably takes place in New York. Five percent takes place beneath the Eiffel Tower. And the final five percent is split between Seattle, Coast City, the Congo, and other random locales. I'm not sure how someone like the Scarecrow doesn't accidentally trip over a fucking Costume just walking to Gordon's house to set up the trap.

Batgirl: "Hey Nightwing! Nice night for a swing, hunh?!"
Nightwing: "What was tha...mutter mutter whisper whispe" *gone*
Batgirl: "*sigh* Nice ass, Grayson."
Black Canary: "What are you mooning about? And who the fuck is Grayson? Um, never mind. Do you want to go to the Eiffel Tower with the Birds this week?
Katana: "I will not touch you against Black Canary's pudendum!"
Batgirl: "What the fuck?"
Starling: "Katana's dead husband's soul is trapped within her katana and she speaks with it all the time. Next panel, I will have forgotten this fact and find it totally unbelievable and nuts.
Batwoman: "I like the way your sword thinks, Katana! *rowr* *makes claws*"
Catwoman: "You goddamn bitch! That's my schtick! You should be saying, "Squeak!" in a sexy voice and flapping your arms like a spastic."
Batwing: "I trailed an African criminal to Gotham! Have any of you seen Batman?"
Catwoman: "Mmm, I have. More than some fans like, even. *squeak* *flaps arms spastically*
Scarecrow: "La la la! La la la la! La la la! La la la la!"
Poison Ivy: "Oh, look who's up to no good. It's little Johnny Crane."
Batgirl: "Oh my! Do you think we should stop him?"
Black Canary: "Fuck that. This is Batman's turf. Let him handle it. Anyway, I've got cramps."
Starling: "Weird! So do I!"
Katana: "私も!"
Batgirl: "Yeah, we should just go back to my place and watch movies with Alysia."
Black Canary: "But isn't that Gordon's house Crane is breaking into?"
Batgirl: "Fuck it. He loves being rescued by Batman. Let's just go."

Meanwhile, Bruce will put up with anything to touch his sword to some pudendum.

Awkward post-near-break-up-fight date.

Why is Bruce even seeing Natalya again? He's a playboy but so far in The New 52, he's being treated like a serial monogamist. Why is he enduring bullshit like this apology date? Once the woman is fucking tired of the way Bruce Wayne is always disappearing or his mind is always on other things, it's time for Bruce to just walk away. It's not like he's going to suddenly start acting any different. Oh, is Natalya the true love of Bruce's life now? Well then, Alfred can just fuck off with his message that Gordon has been kidnapped!

Shit, I never had the options Bruce had and I never put up with this bullshit. And look at Natalya! Making fucking excuses for Bruce! Please, girl, have some respect for yourself. He's a narcissistic asshole. You don't have to apologize for him. Some advice for both of you: walk the fuck away. Let it die. It's over.

That whole awkward part of relationships where you're beginning to discover the other person is an asshole but you're not quite over the newness of the sex with them is simply miserable: pretending that there is more there just to fuck them one more time (because the chemistry and the sex are terrific!); both parties just wading through the bullshit and trying to come to a meeting place where they can drop the pretense and just fucking kiss already; ignoring the insults and abuse you've endured up until this point because of the wetness/hardness in your nether regions. Disney should make a movie dealing with that kind of love!

The scene is actually pretty brilliant in its uncomfortableness. But I intensely dislike Alfred telling Batman to turn on the television in front of Natalya to get the news that Gordon is missing. Now Bruce takes off as if there were something he can do. And then Batman saves Gordon. Does he just assume Natalya is a gorgeous musical savant who can't make logical connections in any significant way? I wanted to type "significunt" but figured people would just see it as a typo as opposed to simply misogynistic whimsy.

The next page is a two-page splash that shows the Batmobile racing away from Wayne Manor with bats flying along with it and the title of the issue, Cycle of Violence (Part Two although it doesn't say Part Two anywhere). I've complained about the overuse of splash pages when not needed throughout my New 52 commentaries. But I thought I'd actually print some corroboration to my dislike by a professional, Greg Rucka (who left DC a few years ago): "Normally I detest writing splash pages; I think they're a waste of precious real estate, and I think they've been overused to such an extent that they've lost all dramatic impact." That's from his comments on 52 Book One, Week Eleven. Hey, that's what I've been saying! That Rucka is a genius!

Batman heads out to do some detective work even though this is not Detective Comics but The Dark Knight. I think in The Dark Knight, he should eschew detective work and just go around beating the shit out of informants and possible witnesses (only if the witnesses are asshole though!). At least his detective work in this comic is pretty shoddy.

I'm going to go out on a limb, way past any actual knowledge I have on the subject of forensics and being scared to death, and say, "Forensics cannot show that someone was scared to death!" But hey, if they could, might as well jump to the conclusion that The Scarecrow is to blame! What a fucking shit detective.

Batman does eventually take readings of some elements in the bathroom and discovers traces of Gordon's feces and Fear Toxin. So at least he can now be sure that the Scarecrow kidnapped Gordon and that Gordon crapped his pants.

Do I have to actually admit that Batman didn't find fecal matter? You knew that wasn't actually in the comic book, right?

That last paragraph (and this one!) is my Narration Boxing because I'm assuming that somebody, somewhere is reading this. Unlike if I just thought it in my head in the same language. That would be crazy!

Later at the Jason Todd Memorial Playground...

This isn't too creepy.

And even later still at the R. Kelly/David Finch School for Pissing on Possibly Older (or Younger) Than They Actually Look Young (or Old) White Girls...

Are you imagining what the Scarecrow's penis looks like too? Oh, well now you are!

While Scarecrow does whatever he's doing to the girl (which ultimately ends up being whatever I tell you he's doing to the girl because I'm reading the comic book and choosing what pictures I want to show you), he flashes back to his father conducting fear experiments on himself. Now Hurwitz has linked Batman (by having Natalya mention it during their awkward date) and Scarecrow with tragedy and fear in their youth. And after Scarecrow finishes pissing on the girl's face, he collects some samples.

I guess Scarecrow Urine and Children's Tears mixed together create the Fear Toxin. Or maybe the antidote.

Batman does some more detective work by interrogating a stuffed animal named Ducky. Look, you can either buy the comic book and read it yourself or read my interpretation of events! And I say Batman interrogated a stuffed duck!

See? Also, this is more proof that David Finch sees all females as fourteen to sixteen years old. 30 year old? Looks like this. 8 year old? Looks like this. 50 year old? Looks like this with a some crosshatching on the face.

Ducky tells Batman that the little girl was shoved inside a black van with the license plate BEATNGU HLLWMAN. He tracks it to a ramshackle house which he doesn't sneak into because Gordon is in there and he's in trouble! And because he doesn't sneak in, he gets blasted in the face by The Scarecrow's No More Fears Urine and Tear Mixture.

When did Jonathan Crane become a hillbilly with a Dr. Seuss shotgun?

This causes Batman to fall backwards into a well-concealed hole in the front yard where he falls into a mine cart on some tracks and The Scarecrow, having jumped through a trapdoor on his front porch, lands on Batman and shoves a bunch of needles into Batman full of Fear Urine. Yes, that's exactly how it happens even though I've been known to make things up. My guess is that next issue Batman yet another Fear Toxin Freak Out even though he knew he was coming after the Scarecrow and should have taken precautions. Like some kind of antidote or possibly a 5-Hour Batman Urine Courage Boosting Enhancement.

Batman: The Dark Knight #11 Rating: No change. The title really hasn't gotten much better even with a professional writer on board. So far, it's just another standard Scarecrow jam. Here's to hoping there's some kind of twist at the end of the story to differentiate from every other Scarecrow story that's ever been told. And no, I don't want the twist to be Batman realizes Scarecrow, like everyone else, is scared sometimes.

Batman: The Dark Knigh #10

Let me guess: Alfred's 2012 April Fool's Joke.

First off, let's check out this new writer, Gregg Hurwitz. I see he's written a bunch of mystery type suspense novel things that people seem to really like. That's probably a good thing to have under your belt when writing Batman books. And this book really needs an identity. It needs a perspective that the other books don't have. Why does DC need four Batman books? I'm looking for the answer to that question. Give this title a personality all its own and I'm all for four (or more?) Batman titles. Although if this book finds its groove and begins chugging along, something is going to have to be done with that crappy Detective Comics book as well!

This issue begins with a guy sewing his own lips shut. It might be the Scarecrow since he's spouting off about fear. And the lips sewn shut thing is reminiscent of the face of a scarecrow. But the Scarecrow was already featured heavily in this book! And didn't he also get a minor story in Detective Comics as well? Oh well. Ladies and Gentleman, another fucking Scarecrow story!

Since David Finch draws all women as if they were fourteen years old, I don't have any idea how old this prisoner of the Scarecrow's is.

While this poor Gotham girl is being tortured by one of the various bad men in Gotham City, Bruce Wayne is having after sex piano lessons with a professional concert pianist named Natalya.

I think Bruce's piano's keys have a non-standard layout. Maybe Robin was fucking with it.

When's the last time I complained about David Finch's version of Bruce Wayne's face? Has it been awhile? I think I need to mention it here. I hate the way David Finch draws Bruce Wayne. I don't like the way he draws any man's face but since I don't know most of the men he's drawing, I don't know if they look the way they should! Bruce Wayne does not look the way he should.

And listen to that bullshit he's spritzing all over her. He's all over the place with his metaphor but I feel I need to say this: if she's bringing light by conjuring something pure and beautiful out of thin air, I hardly think that's impractical. But mostly, he's spritzing bullshit. Spppt! Sppt!

Batman and Commissioner Gordon are currently working on a case where kids are being kidnapped and then reappearing later but changed. Emotionally tampered with. Bruce's date is interrupted by a call from Commissioner Gordon saying that they've spotted one of the missing kids being dumped on the street. The police have picked up the girl and are giving chase to the guy who dropped her off. The thug's car loses control and is about to crash through the glass window of a building. Like a paint store or a hobby shop, right? No.

This is Gotham! Let's just keep all the newborn babies at street level with one thin pane of glass between them and the crazies of this town. Also, just one small sidewalk away from a street where any slight accident will cause something like this to happen.

That car is about ten feet away from exploding a dozen infants like ripe watermelons at a Gallagher show. But Batman swings down from the sky, kicks the thug out the passenger side window, and slides into the seat just in time to keep the car from smashing into Gotham Memorial Maternity/Emergency Bullet Surgery Ward.

For some reason, the guy Batman just kicked out of a speeding car and onto the asphalt is in the middle of a conversation he's been having with nobody. I guess he has just suffered a pretty severe trauma.

Nurse: "GO TO HELL, BATMAN!"

The thug claims The Hollow Man is kidnapping the children but he doesn't know what he looks like. That's probably the Scarecrow, right?

Afterward, Batman goes to speak with the little girl but, like the others before her, she isn't speaking at all. Batman asks her a few questions and then just sits with her sadly as she takes his hand in comfort. It's a nice moment.

But it's completely blown by the next page. Batman is back in the Batcave and Robin comes up to him to tell him he's been listening to Bruce and he's willing to mellow out and try to be less violent when apprehending thugs. And this is Batman's reaction:

Has Batman ever in his life had this reaction to anything ever? Sure, he's consumed by the case. I get that's the point. Also, the point is to give Robin a reason to have an emotional blowout. But I just don't buy that Bruce wasn't listening at all when he acknowledged Robin previously. Sure, the acknowledgement was the half-hearted "Uh-hunh" that a busy parent might give. And I could see Bruce not getting it or saying something unfatherly or not quite getting Robin's point. But not listening and not hearing Robin? Forget it! He's fucking Batman!

Meanwhile, James Gordon heads home. He likes that his neighborhood is a grid. He likes that the bum he helps out with the occasional dollar doesn't ask for the occasional dollar. He likes chess. He likes order. He's anal. I get it! Which is why, if he likes order, I don't get why he turns on the shower where it'll spray him in the head and shoulders while he turns it on! I'm not even close to being as anal as Gordon here and I can't stand getting hit with water out of the shower nozzle as I turn it on. Okay, okay. On the rare occasion, it happens. Like if my girlfriend has just used the shower and I turn on the water, some might already be queued up and spray down on my head.

So I guess The Scarecrow could have left the lever turned to the shower nozzle versus the tub's faucet so he'd immediately get sprayed in the face. Everything's okay here! Never mind anything I said!

Although if he's so obsessed with order, wouldn't he have checked the switch first to make sure the water didn't spray all over him?!

Man, I'm really being a picky douchebag this morning! I must have something to prove! I'm going to tear this successful writer a new one! He sucks! He's no good! Although, really, I want a good Batman book. And maybe this one will get there. I was hoping to hate Dial H because a big shot professional was writing that one as well but that was a really good book! How about I put the claws in for the rest of this one. Except most have my problems are really with the way the art is telling the story. I don't think Finch is very good at storyboarding Hurwitz's story.

Gordon takes the fear gas right in the face and begins hallucinating scary stuff. But the big hallucination is of his children and the way he failed them both, allowing Babs to get shot and James Jr. to go nuts.

And then the Scarecrow appears to fuck with Jim some more.

But what does The White Rabbit have to do with any of this?

Another few pages previous to this has Bruce Wayne not giving Natalya what she needs, so she tells him some of his faults and sends him on his way. I can't keep all of these Batman titles straight but they've all been showing Bruce heavily dating specific women who all make jokes about how he suddenly has to go off at the drop of a hat and how he's always so busy with his functions and charities. This one seems like Natalya is going to teach Bruce Wayne how to be a better person in his day to day life. Aren't all of these Wayne personal relationship stories missing the point? Isn't Bruce Wayne supposed to be an uncaring playboy philanthropist who simply cares about himself and, if it makes him money, Gotham City as well? Isn't the point that the secret identity acts in such a way so that nobody would ever suspect Bruce Wayne is The Batman even though they're so closely tied together in so many ways? I think writers need to stop trying to fix Bruce Wayne!

And why is The Scarecrow after Commissioner Gordon when he's been abducting children up until now? Why the sudden shift in prey? Has it all been leading up to this moment so far? Were the children test subjects? Or were they simply to freak out Gordon and cause him to feel even more unable to protect his children, Babs and James Jr. as well as all of the other children, Gotham's children?

Batman: The Dark Knight #10 Rating: No change. The writing is much better but how can it not be? This book has been downright awful. It's definitely turning around as of this issue. But even if the new writer did approach with the idea of a Scarecrow story, couldn't DC's editors have steered him away from that? This is the third Scarecrow story for Batman in the first year of The New 52! He's practically getting as much face time as Bats himself. And Finch's art was just sloppy this month. I know I've never praised his art before anyway, but it was simply rushed this month. Maybe it was because he only had one woman to draw throughout the entire issue and he was just fucking bored.