Aquaman #36

The worst thing on this Lego cover is not the Lego or the reused Zero issue cover!

Last issue, Arthur had discovered that the corpse of his mother was missing from her tomb. It's possible her body was never actually interred in the tomb since her tomb was left unguarded at the bottom of the ocean without any means of repelling anybody or anything that wanted to gain access to it. But since this is a comic book, it probably means that Atlanna never actually died. Or she's been resurrected as a Black or White Lantern.

Aquaman, realizing he needs a mystery solved, brings in help in the form of J'onn J'onzz. Batman is going to be so pissed when he hears about this.

Batman: "Is his nickname 'The World's Greatest Detective'? No, it's not! It's 'Martian Manhunter'! What if the culprit isn't a man, hunh? How is he going to solve The Mystery of the Missing Murdered Mother?!"

To help investigate the years old cold case of Atlanna's assassination, Shin and Evans are brought in to help with their "scientific" theories of Atlantis.

Just because you can think up a theory doesn't make it science. The "unique nature of the landmass" enables it to record the "souls" of the departed? Sounds like wacky doodle hoodoo to me!

Vulko tells the story of the night Atlanna was assassinated which allows Martian Manhunter to telepathically link with the unique landmass. Some more hokum that passes for science (more like seance, amirite?) takes place and Aquaman learns that his mother faked her death to escape with some unknown people she had been protecting. And then J'onn loses the ability to learn anymore because that would end the story too soon. Although I bet Batman would have had it all wrapped up by now.

Doctor Evans, being the authority on the shape of holes and determining what object should be placed inside the hole, declares that they should put a key in a hole. They did that last issue when they learned about the psychic residue trapped in the city of Atlantis. So they try it again and this time, all of the psychic energy fills up J'onn J'onnz and he attacks Arthur while declaring that the king must be killed.

Fucking Doctor Evans! Can people stop this guy from putting things in other things and creating disasters?!

J'onn begins to kick everybody's ass and Aquaman thinks, "Why didn't I hire Batman for this job?"

Oh yeah! That's why he hired J'onn! Because, unlike Batman, Martian Manhunter has a weakness!

J'onn did pick up a clue or two while being overwhelmed by spirits. He saw the image of a large portal and heard the word "maelstrom." I guess that means Aquaman is on the trail of yet another of the seven lost tribes of Atlantis!

Aquaman #36 Rating: Once again, Aquaman didn't stop anybody from eating anything. He's really slacking off. I don't think Aquaman is interesting enough to keep starring in these big, epic Atlantis stories. I just want to see him make fish fight his battles and wear octopuses on his head!

Catwoman #36

Stupid Lego. Don't they know Catwoman never keeps her catsuit fully zipped?

The worst part about these Lego covers are the Lego characters. The next worst part is that they're recycling the covers from the Zero issues. So those images in the background are a traumatic reminder of when Ann Nocenti took over this comic book and pissed in fan's faces for two years.

Selina Kyle has put away the cat suit to become the head of the Calabrese crime family. She's been busy trying to get the crime families to pool some of their income in an effort to make the underworld a safer, more profitable place to do business in Gotham. I think she understands the importance of doing illegal business that is just under the radar of The Batman. But the Black Mask doesn't like what he's seeing. Unless he doesn't like something else, like maybe Selina is stealing his shit or cutting into his profits or marking his turf or vomiting hairballs into his shoes. I might understand it better if I wasn't still confused about all that Elizabeth I talk from last issue!

There's also a new Catwo-Man in town!

The old Catwo-Man busies herself with meeting crime bosses and smiling politely in that threatening manner that proves she's the best crime boss in the room. Everybody is wearing suits instead of costumes. It's a very confusing comic book to read. Who is the bad guy? Where are the tough one-liners? How come nobody has yet said, "Is that all you've got?" At least Black Mask has the decency to wear that stupid mask so I feel like I'm reading a comic book.

I think these are the bad guys! Ask-a-lot, Incorporated! Unless it's Ocelot, Inc!

I could never write a story like this. All the intrigue involved in businesses and construction and the criminal underworld and corrupt cops and politicians. It's all a bunch of stuff that I would find too boring to research to make a credible story out of it. I suppose some people find this kind of thing fascinating which lends to being curious enough about it that they follow this kind of shit in the real world. As long as it can be made into a fascinating Catwoman story, I'm all for it. You know, the way Charles Soule made practicing law fun over in She-Hulk. Or the way John Grisham made clerking in a law firm seem as exciting as battling spies except with copiers and billing reports! If I were going to write an exciting story about the things that I hold near and dear to my heart, it would revolve around candy and masturbation.

Who are all these strange named people that keep getting mentioned now in this comic book? Come on, Genevieve! Talk about something I understand! Kit-kats! Butterfingers! Is Sforza a chocolate bar? Is Borgia a powdered candy? Is Elizabeth I a British version of Chunky?

This comic book has gotten too highbrow for me! What happened to all of the Guillem March ass and tit shots?! This book is going to lose its Teen Plus Rating if it can't find its way back to the gutter! I mean, as long as Ann Nocenti isn't writing it, I'm happy! I don't mind pretending to recognize the historical, art history, and literary allusions scattered about the comic book as long as it means I don't have to read anymore awkward dialogues written by that monster!

I suppose if I were paying for Showtime, I might know more about this stuff!

I mean, of course I already know all about Caterina Sforza! She was, um, an Italian noblewoman, the illegitimate daughter of Galeazzo Maria Sforza, Duke of Milan and Lucrezia Landriani, the wife of the courtier Gian Piero Landriani, a close friend of the Duke. Who doesn't know that?!

On a side note, does anybody know how to edit a Wikipedia page so that a person (not me! My, um, cousin!) can change the wording of something on Wikipedia so that it reads differently than the text that they've recently copied and pasted from it? Just, you know, wondering. For a friend! I mean, my cousin!

Speaking of Caterina Sforza and Wikipedia as I just did, I want to mention this bit from the Wikipedia that I read many, many years ago and didn't just read trying to learn about this Sforza character! This is the bit copied directly from Wikipedia:

The Orsis believed Caterina because she left her children as hostages, but once inside she let loose a barrage of vulgar threats and promises of vengeance against her former captors. According to a legend, when they threatened to kill her children, she exposed her genitals from the fortress walls and said: "Ho con me lo stampo per farne degli altri!." ("I have the mold to make more!")

I guess this history stuff isn't as highbrow as I'd first thought! Also, is that the proper way to provide the translation of a quote in another language? Does Chicago agree with that style? Just wondering! I'm not saying it's right or wrong! What do I know? I don't even know what Cesare Borgia had against Caterina Sforza!

Forget all of that previous nonsense! I should probably mention that Selina Kyle agrees to distribute heroin for the Hasigawa family in exchange for using their ports to ship guns out of Gotham City. Eiko Hasigawa seems disturbed that Selina agrees to this proposition. I guess they won't become best friends any time soon! At least not until Eiko realizes that Selina has no intention of distributing heroin in Gotham.

One of Selina's right hand cousins has been leaking information to Detective Alvarez who suddenly thinks he's going to bring the Gotham criminal underworld to its knees all by himself. But Selina doesn't mind because she wants the shipment of heroin nabbed by the cops. Then she gets what she wants without hurting Gotham City. And all she has to do is pretend she doesn't know anything! That's my favorite play too! That way, when you really don't know something, it seems like maybe you do know that something because you've spent so much time pretending you don't know things that you obviously do know about!

And then the new Catwo-Man pays Selina a visit. And the new Catwo-Man is...Eiko! I probably guessed that in my sleep and then forgot I'd guessed it.

Come on! That Robin waiting list line is a killer!

And finally, Nick Calabrese, Selina's traitorous cousin, is nabbed by The Black Mask. Which probably means trouble for somebody or something. I mean besides just Nick!

Catwoman #36 Rating: More Caterina Sforza! Less Lucretia Borgia! But even if that doesn't happen, I'm more than happy with this change to the comic book. It's a strange direction to go with Selina Kyle, but why not? It just needs at least one scene between Selina and Batman each issue. Or now, maybe between Batman and Eiko! I hope Batman and Eiko accidentally fuckfight next issue!

Superman #36

These Lego covers have made my comic book collection completely worthless! You know, even more worthless than it was before.

The last few issues, Superman and Ulysses have been running through parks holding hands, making daisy chains to put in Ulysses magnificent hair and to cover Superman's growing bald spot, hiding in the bushes comparing penises, rolling around on the grass giggling about girls, and all those other things two young boys in the throes of friendship never actually do.

Throes might not be the right word here! Although isn't making friends as difficult and painful as birthing a child? It must be or else why have I not made a new friend in nearly fifteen years? Maybe that's not entirely true. I think the actual hard part of friendship is maintaining a relationship that you enjoy long enough to think of it as a friendship. That takes so much effort! You have to get dressed and showered to leave the house. You have to endure weather and strangers. You have to experience other points of view which might call into question beliefs you've held and cherished for many, many years! It's a horrifying and life-altering process that I'd simply rather just avoid. Just like I'd rather avoid childbirth! And death! And all manner of things that might pull me out of my comfort zone like a bomber crippled by flak! That's actually a pretty clever simile since flak can mean both antiaircraft fire and strong criticism!

If any agents are reading this, I've got plenty more wayses with words just like that! I'm working on a novel called "Too Clever By Far." I was thinking of subtitling it "The Story of the Person Carrying This Book" to really sell a lot of oversized editions that can be read by strangers from far away. Maybe it can even come with a fake pair of glasses in a secret compartment in the back of the book! And that compartment will pad the book to make it look much thicker than it really is, thus making the person reading it look that much smarter!

So basically, Ulysses doesn't like hard work.

Ulysses comes from a planet that has no violent conflict at all. Perhaps it never had but it's probably more likely that the populace of the planet decided to stop poking each other with sporks all by themselves many, many centuries before Ulysses arrived. Either way, that paved the way to make Ulysses' work much easier once he arrived on his adopted planet. But now he moves and he finds he can't get any peace and quiet to pursue his grand work because his roommates are wild, drunken louts that thrive on conflict. Well, Ulysses, you know what I have to say about that? Go fuck yourself! Run away! Get the fuck out of here! You're nothing! You want to be a savior then you have to put in the hard fucking work, you asshat! You didn't see Jesus taking the easy way out and only bringing his message to the Sadducees and Pharisees where he would have been able to dine on the best flesh and drink the most expensive blood! No! He palled around with dirty ass guys that probably smelled like two week old dingleberries! He brought his message to the poor and the leprous and the sexy, sexy sex workers (who also probably smelled like two week old dingleberries). You want to be a savior? You save the people that need saving! You don't just decide that saving them would be too difficult. Jerko.

Has anybody checked to see if Ulysses has a recipe book with a section for serving "humans"?

Ulysses is making a huge mistake here. Just accepting the first six million people to arrive at the landing site? Shouldn't he be doing background checks? He's probably going to wind up with six million criminals running from the law or running to a world that doesn't know how to fight back! And if he is gathering people for his homeworld to eat, shouldn't he refuse to bring skinny, malnourished cattle aboard his Meals on Wheels spaceships?

Superman decides to confront Ulysses. The conversation goes something like this:

Superman: "You're wrong!"
Ulysses: "You are!"

There's no time to pack! Six million people without possessions will beat you to the ship! And he'd better not kick off two people to make room for his parents because that seems like something that might spark violence!

To settle disputes about who can get into Ulysses Space Ark, Ulysses brought along two alien bouncers from his home world. But they don't bounce violently! They just gently shove people away by placing their huge, muscular tentacles against the tiny human bodies and shove them politely away with loads and loads of kindness.

Ulysses tells his parents that they can't come on the trip with him because who wants their parents living on the same world as they are? Back off, mom and dad! Can't a guy live his own life on his own terms without you guys butting in constantly with your judgments and your nitpicking and your petty reminders of how awful I was while growing up?! Um. Anyway, I think he doesn't want to bring them along because it would be weird to eat your own parents.

I don't really think his people are going to eat them. Obviously Geoff Johns would play on the Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man" because it's such a cultural touchstone for nerds, but he's not going to blatantly steal the entire plot! Which is why I think the humans will wind up being pets and/or sex slaves.

Now I've got Porno For Pyros stuck in my head.

Ulysses begins punching Superman which, and correct me if I'm wrong, disqualifies him for making the trip back to his home world.

That was a joke! Obviously the residents of The Great World want non-violent people to journey to their homes so they won't put up any fight when they're outfitted with sparkly collars with cute little name tags (with phone numbers in case they get lost!) and/or sexy lingerie. But they need a violent piece of shit like Ulysses to maintain control of their six million new residents.

Ulysses defeats Superman and lets him in on a little secret: he's done this kind of thing before on other worlds. Maybe people are fuel for running his home planet?! Planets also always need people to pick fruit and work the drive-thru of fast food restaurants, so maybe that's what he needs all the Earthlings for. I suppose we'll find out next issue when Superman takes a trip to the Fourth Dimension! Read that last bit out loud while speaking into a microphone that provides echo effects.

Superman #36 Rating: It's about time this comic book was worth reading. Thank you, Geoff Johns, for finally realizing that you can't just put any crappy, piece of shit writer on one of DC's flagship titles. Although I think we should all engage in a letter writing campaign to demand DC Comics apologizes for letting a hack like Scott Lobdell write their most important character for so long. Was nobody at DC Comics reading what Scott Lobdell was passing off as entertainment? Seriously, Geoff Johns. You owe your fans a long-winded, forced, insincere public apology! Immediately, sir!

Secret Origins #7

"Featuring The Flash and more"? How bad must the other origins be for DC to not want to include them on the cover?

The Flash
This origin is easy! Barry Allen gained his powers on that day he bumped into the shelves housing all of the chemicals and they went crashing down against each other like dominoes, spilling dangerous mixtures and shattering glass containers all across the floor of the police lab. When his Sergeant came in screaming, "What the fuckity fucking fuck is fucking going the fuck on in fucking here?!", Barry Allen panicked and said, "Er...lightning!" Then the Sergeant said, "Well, don't fucking let it happen again!" And stormed out of the room, slamming the door. And then Barry Allen was struck by lightning while standing in the chemicals and all the windows shattered and furniture exploded and Barry somehow survived. His Sergeant slammed the door back open and yelled, "BAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYY!" Then Barry looked at the camera and shrugged his shoulders while holding up his outstretched palms and Captain Singh played his sad trombone somewhere in the station.
[[MORE]]
This version of Barry's secret origin begins with the most important part of Barry's origin that I can't believe I left out: PUNS! I mean, just mentioning running or being fast or being late or being quick or slow or whatever isn't really a pun but I don't know what else to call it! Sucking up to the Speed Force? Anyway, Barry likes to remember his mother on the day he had to run a race in school. See? They mentioned running! Where's my niece so I can slap her? Because that was a real niece-slap'er! Now that's a pun!

It's also the last thing Barry's mom ever said to him!

Barry is portrayed as a real momma's boy with a flair for the dramatic and a serious penchant for worrying! Maybe that's just because Barry is remembering the story of that day through an adult that knows the story ends with his dead mother all dead and stuff. Killed! Murdered! Some would even say it was...WIFEACIDE!

The police showed up to the murder scene and told Barry's father, "We're gonna run you in! Get it?!" And Barry's dad said, "That was some quick thinking, you guys!" And the cops were all, "Us cops got ta work on our race relations!" And Barry's dad was all, "Before you run me in, can I hug my son real fast?" And one of the policemen said, "Speed it up, buddy!" And Barry was all, "OH MY GOD MY MOTHER IS DEAD AND MY FATHER IS GOING TO JAIL AND MY LIFE IS RUINED!"

Was that a pun? Calling it an "open and shut" case when the door was obviously not opened or shut properly? Also, why is this kid noticing evidence at the scene that the police didn't notice?

Barry puts police tape all around the house where his mother was murdered so he can preserve the crime scene until after he grows up and gets a degree in forensics. That's what he feels he has to do after seeing the way the Central City Police arrived on the murder scene and said, "Who here isn't a dead body?" Then when Barry's dad raised his hands, they said, "Whelp, you must be the killer then."

Then one day, Barry Allen was struck by lightning and doused by chemicals! He had become...THE STREAK! I mean, THE FLASH!

As a Crime Scene Investigator, Barry has all the skills he needs to design a suit that can resist huge amounts of friction and can shrink down to fit inside of a ring. Probably. I don't know where else he got those skills. He spends some time jerking off police officers with his words. Hey Barry! Don't you think it's time we all stop worshiping the ideal of what a police officer should be and start facing the reality of what they've actually become? Shouldn't we start noticing how the only people they're protecting and serving are themselves? Don't look up to cops, Barry, to find your inspiration. Be better than them.

The Flash Secret Origin Rating: I feel like I just rewatched The Flash pilot on the CW! At the end of The Flash's story to his dad, he has a memory of seeing some person standing in the shadows in the room where his dad was cradling his mom's dead body. I bet that was Pre-Flashpoint Flash! That jerk ruined everybody's good time while trying to save his mother from getting killed! And why would he want to save his mother anyway? Does he not want to be The Flash anymore? Does he hate being a Forensic Scientist? Does he hate having to take a day out each month to go visit his father in Iron Heights? I know that would drive me crazy! And then once you're there, you have to pretend to care about this person simply because he's your father? Ugh! I'd rather sleep in!

The Huntress
Does Earth-2 The Huntress even need a Secret Origin? Isn't her secret origin simply this: Helena's father is Batman and her mother is Catwoman. Boom! Secret origin! It would only be surprising if she somehow lived a normal life.

"Happy 5th Birthday! You're a sidekick now! Stop staring at my boob!"

On the night Helena's mom died (as seen in that comic book issue that the editor doesn't remind me of with his little box of reminderation), Helena met Supergirl!

Don't mind the way Supergirl's hair slides behind her eye. It's a Kryptonian thing.

Earth-2 Supergirl's suit is cuter than regular Supergirl's suit which often makes it look like she's wearing a diaper. Earth-2 Supergirl's suit makes it look like she's wearing teeny, tiny panties. Or a jockstrap. But Karen would soon change that, just as Helena needed to change her suit.

Catwoman just hadn't been feeling like herself for the last two years for some inexplicable reason!

The Huntress Secret Origin Rating: Nothing terribly new or different in this origin. All it really did was make me remember how much I miss Worlds' Finest starring the Super Besties. Stupid DC Comics.

Superboy
This last Secret Origin should prove interesting since Superboy's history has become convoluted after a string of bad writers all took their turn at making something sensible out of his past. Instead of mentioning how awful most of that was, I'm going to agree to forget all of it and allow this story, no matter what it says, to take its place. Here, for the first time after six or seven times, is the Secret Origin of Superboy!

It begins with Kon hanging out at STAR Labs trying to figure out who he is. First thing he knows for sure: he was created in a lab. After that, things get a little muddled.

As were we all, Kon.

This Superboy's history goes through H'el on Earth where Superboy didn't die but was recruited by that stupid cosmic piece of shit nothing, Oracle, and continues during the last story arc of Superboy by Aaron Kuder. It's nice to know he doesn't have to remember any of that bullshit future crap that happened in Teen Titans when he wasn't actually himself but Joke-el.

Superboy leaves having finally figured out he's Superboy. After that, his DNA results come in! It turns out he's 45% Kryptonian, 45% Human, and 10% Other! Oh no! So, um, pretty much what we already knew before this. How about revealing that final secret, you stupid dumb fucking shithole Secret Origin?! God curse you and your loins, Frank J. Barbiere! And your editors too! I'm not letting them off the hook! I'm also not going to name them because fuck editors.

Superboy Secret Origin Rating: It was actually nice to get a concise history of Superboy all in one place that just quickly focuses on the various plot points that were important in his horrendous comic book run. This story could have been better if it took place in LA since the title was "Lab Rat" which could be read two ways if, you know, it were taking place in Los Angeles.

Klarion #2

Does anybody else constantly hear far-off circus music when sitting alone in a completely quiet room?

Notice how this cover gives a handy key to learning Old Portugese [sic] by superimposing it's letters on top of the Latin letters? That scares me into believing that Ann Nocenti is going to be leaving secret messages in Old Portugese [sic] throughout her Klarion books. In other comics like Constantine, the messages in the magic language are usually nonsensical bullshit. But since Ann Nocenti's normal dialogue is nonsensical bullshit, what will happen to the magic chants?! Do I even dare to translate them? How long can I look, unblinking, into the abyss before I lose all semblance of my self? Maybe I'll get the neighbor kid to read them first. A young, healthy mind of a stupid kid probably has enough elasticity to survive pure, unfiltered Ann Nocenti dialogue. And if not, the worst that will happen is I won't have to hear him constantly jumping up and down on that Goddamned pogo stick! No wait. The worst thing that can happen is that he'll lose his mind and scream constantly, day and night! That shouldn't last long though before the parents send him away, right? I know parents have an innate ability to completely ignore their kids when they're being loud, obnoxious monsters, but they can't tune out their kid's continuous scream of pain and existential horror, right?

Since my mind might not survive reading this comic book intact, I want to confess something here that might help other people suffering like I have. In these modern times, it's tough to admit this because so many people adamantly feel opposite the way I do, and it's possible I'll be shunned and banished from modern cities by revealing this fact about myself. But here it goes. I like circus peanuts. Actually, I like the Easter version of the circus peanuts which are a pastel pink, purple, and yellow color and shaped like rabbits. Oh, I'll eat the orange peanut ones as well but I like the calming color and cute figures of the Easter versions better. I actually can't remember the last time I've eaten a circus peanut though because I'm too ashamed to be seen enjoying them. I might as well go into a beauty salon and ask for a mullet. Sometimes I feel hopeful that the circus peanut eaters of the world will be cut some slack when I see so many anti-shaming posts on Tumblr about nearly everything. And yet...and yet, it still seems to be acceptable to savage anybody that eats circus peanuts or wears a mullet. Remember, we will never all truly be equal until we regard other people's likes and dislikes with respect. So please stop treating me like a pariah because I enjoy circus peanuts, you retarded faggots.

Oh wait! That's why people treat me like a pariah! Because I still call people retarded faggots! Never mind. Y'all were correct to shun me. Move along.

For those without tender sensibilities (or those with super tender sensibilities who can't wait to become outraged by more shit I write) who are still reading, I'm going to explain the magic trick of the previous two paragraphs! See, I set up this long-winded defense of myself as a victim, trying to garner sympathy as I present my downtrodden position, so that right at the end, by using a couple of offensive slurs, I shock the readers into wondering how they could ever have been coming around to my side on the circus peanut issue, and thus probably make them hate circus peanuts (and the eaters of) even more. Now, everybody understands that part of the trick. They get that the lady in the box wasn't actually in both halves of the box after being sawed in half and separated. But most viewers won't catch the long con being played here. You see, now that I've used the phrase "retarded faggots" in a light-hearted, facetious way to mock myself and make myself look like a completely bigoted asshole for my own amusement (I'd say the reader's amusement but I'm sure no readers were amused by that), I can now use the phrase again in the future as a jokey callback to this moment! So I've given myself permission to use an offensive phrase as a running joke within my commentaries! Because I've always wanted to call everything a retarded faggot willy-nilly! I also, apparently, only want to be read by male high school athletes!

I sincerely apologize for offending anybody for using the R-slur and the F-word. No, the other F-word. You know, the one I just used! The horrible one that's also a British cigarette! Come on, you know! The one that isn't fuck! I just typed it like one paragraph ago! Anyway, I'd fix it if I could but what can I do? Blogger auto saves as I type! I can't delete it now! My hands are tied!

Hopefully everybody reading this is now in a proper mood to match mine while we read Klarion together! Is your stomach kind of messed up and you're not sure if what you've just read, by someone you thought you respected, should be seen as witty or anger-inducing or cruel or insightful? Well, embrace that confusion and join me on a journey into the grandest confusion of them all...a journey into Ann Nocenti's World!

I don't know Klarion. Tell me, why are you remembering this now?

Are Daddy Longlegs a spacefaring, dimension-hopping order of spider? How did Klarion and his friend encounter one back on Witchworld? Perhaps when Klarion says "Daddy Longlegs," it's just the nearest approximation in English of the creature he and his friend tortured. Although Klarion showed he knew a lot about Earth's history and culture in the last issue. Maybe Witchworld is just a dimension created by the witches of Salem as they sought to escape persecution. That makes sense since Klarion's original look was that of a Puritan.

This issue is called "Love Takes a Train" because I don't know why. Is that a movie reference? A song lyric? Does love often take trains? Is that a saying about love leaving a lover?

Whatever the case, I think we can see that Klarion has fallen into a love triangle quicker than any Young Adult Novel's protagonist in the history of young adult novels. Because what is a story about young people without any feels caused by relationship troubles?

So, Klarion, about that spider story? Are you going to finish it?

Rasp has tapped into some kind of reality crawling web spider thing that finds out data about the people all around him. So just by looking at somebody, he can see the websites they love to visit. If GoogleGlass ever cracks that technology, most of y'all are going to be fucked. Not me though! People will look at me and see that I visit sites about computer gaming history and old text adventures and Oglaf and sites about old school Dungeons and Dragons and Achewood and some comic book sites and, okay, well maybe that site about naked women bending over but who can blame me? You can see everything!

Rasputin is floating over the crowd but Zell doesn't want the crowd filming Rasp flying, so she tells Klarion to fly up there and drag him to the ground because that would look much cooler on film than Rasp just hovering there.

Is that the end of the story? I suppose telling that boring ass story was slightly better than Ann Nocenti typing in big bold letters, "KLARION HAS NO EMPATHY!" But not by much.

All the cool kids into Technomancy who love to visit the Neapolitan Club can't actually handle real magic and get scared, so they begin throwing rocks at Klarion and Rasp and Zell. I guess that's like how I spent many of my teenage years hoping to get laid but then was absolutely terrified when a woman first told me she wanted my penis inside of her. And like the magic kids, instead of embracing what I'd most hoped for, I, too, threw rocks.

To escape from the mob, Klarion casts a spell to hide their retreat. And just in case the readers were unsure if the spell worked or not, one of the Technomancy kids says, "Where'd they go?" It worked! Huzzah!

Meanwhile, the cook and the landlady hang out on the roof discussing the children.

Later, Klarion and Zell have Dark Arts Training. One of the things Piper the Landlady tells Zell is that she must deal with her internet footprint. Why? What does that have to do with anything? Is that part of magic? Hiding your recent Google searches? Making sure nobody finds out who you're stalking on Facebook? If the power of the Neapolitan Club comes from knowing your "shame," then shouldn't you be training the children to block off the parts of their mind that deal with guilt? I don't think what you look at on the internet constitutes your shame. Unless, I suppose, you're Ann Nocenti and you simply believe everybody is looking at penises and vaginas whenever they log on to the internet. And even if they are, where's the shame in that? The shame is in believing that feeling and being sexual is a bad thing. Or that feeling those things by yourself while looking at strangers is a negative way to deal with your sexuality. Maybe I'm not the person to ask! I never feel shame.

Although I have thought a few times about deleting that retarded faggot stuff from earlier. Is that shame nibbling away at my mind?! Get away from that, you shame mice!

Coal and Necrot, the Abbott and Costello of the Neapolitan Club, discuss their newest toy, The Buddybots! They're little spidery things that people swallow and then the spidery thing takes the person over. They're self-replicating and use material from the host to grow and change. So, you know, they're nanobots. But a little bit bigger because they aren't corporate nanobots! They're "indie!" They've got that "zine spirit!" They're full on "D.I.Y." They're also upcycling but Coal doesn't mention that! Turning used up teenaged kids into useful techno-zombie soldiers.

Wait. That thing is going to crawl out of Rasp's ass and become his girlfriend?

At one point, Necrot asks Coal what his motivations are. What is he trying to accomplish with this scheme? And Coal says, "I live in an old bank vault, Necrot. What do you think I want?" Um, a studio apartment, at the very least? Some IKEA furniture? How did that answer the question?! Later Coal clarifies that he wants everybody to be addicted to the technology he's creating. I don't know how that equals "I live in a bank vault."

We also find out that Coal has a splinter in his heart! Aww! That'sh why he'sh sho grumpy, poor guy. Klarion just needs to remove the splinter and he'll be grateful and happy and carefree!

During training, Klarion and Zell remember that they're the only young boy and girl in this comic (not counting that loser, Rasp), so they'd better get to the making out part.

"Hello. Put your dick in me, Big Guy."

If that Buddybot had come out of his penis and made a pass at him, I would have declared my unending love for this comic book. I suppose the Buddybot was confused about where it should come out since I'm sure Rasp's palm smells like Rasp's penis.

Klarion #2 Rating: I should probably find an article where Ann Nocenti describes what this book is about because her books are always much better when she talks about the concept than the script she eventually writes about that concept. I guess the bad guys are going to take over the world using technology and make a lot of money because technology is just like magic in that everybody is under its spell. And the magic people are going to prevent the technomancers from taking over by using good old fashioned natural dark magic which will set everybody free from the allure of their cell phones! Also, some teenaged boys will fight over one teenaged girl because God forbid Nocenti introduce more females to steal the spotlight away from Zell.

Deathstroke #2

Get it? Deathstroke is missing an eye! Or was missing an eye? I think he's better now that he's in a young body again.

I was wondering what Tony S. Daniel's pitch to DC was for a new Deathstroke series and I think I figured it out. He probably walked into the pitch meeting, set down his Slurpee and Skittles, threw his arms up over his head and said, "Imagine, if you will, Deathstroke the Terminator...as a young man!" He paused for about twenty seconds so that the gasps of his audience wouldn't drown out the rest of his pitch. "DC is into selling comic books, right?" Lots of old gray heads bobbed up and down. After they were all done sucking each others' dicks, they said, "Yes!" Daniel continued: "And, no offense to you old farts running things up here in Paycheck Plaza, but kids don't want to read about old people. That's why Deathstroke failed last time!" One of the braver executives raised her hand and said, "Are you sure it wasn't because we allowed Liefeld to write and draw it?"

"What?! NO!" screamed Daniel as he climbed up onto a swivel chair for effect but realized his swaying and tottering as he tried to keep his balance wasn't inspiring confidence so he climbed back down before continuing. "It is never the writer or the artist's fault! The fault is always in the readers or the editors! The editors should have realized that the kids don't want to read the adventures of an old guy and they should have fixed that! Well, since they're so fucking stupid, I've come along and I've fixed it! Deathstroke shall be made young again! The kids will flock to this comic book once they realize it's not about a sexy hot old lemon party man but about a super sexy hot young stud!" Applause filled the room. Roses were thrown. More dicks were sucked.

And that's why I'm sitting here reading another shitty comic book by Tony S. Daniel!

This issue begins with Slade Wilson discovering his new youth.

Slade counts the rings on his penis to verify his age.

Guess what happens on pages two and three after Slade sees his penis for the first time in years in stereo vision? It's a double splash page! I forgot to predict it but since I've predicted one for every single one of the credit pages in a comic book Tony S. Daniel is drawing and writing, you have to assume the prediction was implied.

Deathstroke pulled two swords out of his ass in order to confront the man that took time to build an arts and crafts Throne of Weapons so he could look cool when Slade finally woke up.

Slade's entire reaction to suddenly waking up youthful is to look at his penis and laugh a lot. And then, it's right back to getting serious and figuring out who his mystery date is. Hopefully we'll revisit the entire suddenly being young thing because that's a major life event! That's a big change! I want a scene with Slade sitting at a bar discussing the ramifications of suddenly being young again. How did it happen? Are there any side effects Slade should be worrying about? Will he be able to find a younger audience? I have a feeling the penis look and the laughter were all we're going to get and that Slade doesn't have any more questions about it.

When the person in the throne doesn't answer Slade's question of "Who the hell are you?", Slade tries to cut his head in half while yelling at him to answer. That makes sense! It's absolutely what a person that thinks of themselves as "a good guy" would do! Totally acceptable to kill a person for not answering you after you've asked them a question one time. So fucking rude to expect a person to repeat themselves.

The person in the chair is a hologram created by the person not in the chair: Red Fury. The only thing I know about Red Fury is that he needs to fire his costume designer.

Was there an edict handed down from up on high in the DC Offices that declared no more billionaires? So now along with Oliver Queen and Bruce Wayne, Slade Wilson is also broke.

It turns out that Red Fury hired Slade Wilson to do a job for him but that job was so super sensitive that even Slade Wilson couldn't know he was doing the job! So Slade Wilson spent a week doing who the fuck knows and now he's got to drink a magic potion to restore his memory so that he can fix whatever went wrong during the time he forgot! I have a feeling the plot is this convoluted because Tony S Daniel doesn't really know what he's doing. So he's throwing all the spy tropes against the wall and he'll just keep the ones that stick over time. All the reader needs to know right now is that some guy named Odysseus is trying to kill Slade and Red Fury, and the only way to stop him is to find a bunch of other mystery people involved in the secret mess that nobody remembers.

"Dur! Stop him what now?"

The next panel shows an army of those guys from the cover charging into the ruins of Deathstroke's headquarters. And when you turn the page, Slade Wilson is in full Deathstroke gear with a couple of rifles blowing the shit out of Eye Men. And that, kids, is why Tony S Daniel sucks at drawing his own shit. He has no idea how to pace a comic book or how to choreograph a fight scene or how to realistically map what's going on in the space within the panels. Where did Deathstroke's outfit come from? Did they just wait until he found it, put it on, and armed himself?

Slade is fighting 300 people which, if he kills them all, will be half as many kills as he's racked up over his entire career! I think Slade low-balled his kill count last issue when he said it was 600. Just that fight on the bullet train when he fought an army of ninjas should have been at least one hundred in just an hour or so!

Slade manages to kill 299 people and survive bringing a mountain down on top of his head. And yet Opossum gave him such a hard time last issue? Opossum must be the biggest bad ass of all the mercenaries ever in the DC Universe! He's my new favorite!

Instead of using the magic potion on himself so that he'll remember what's going on (thus saving Tony S Daniel from having to explain anything! Whew! That was a close one!), Slade makes the last surviving attacker drink it so that he'll tell Slade all about Odysseus.

More like EYEronic, amirite?!

Turns out The League of Assassins, Lady Shiva, and Bronze Tiger are all working for Odysseus. Isn't Ra's al Ghul going to be a little jealous that his people are being used to chase down a hack like Deathstroke?

Bronze Tiger looks a little bit different than he did in Red Hood and the Outlaws which is a good thing. Hopefully he's just a guy that kicks ass now and not a fucking cereal mascot. Who thought it would be a kick ass idea to turn him into an actual tiger?!

Red Fury spoke two sentences to Slade Wilson that threw Slade's one and only trusted associate, Benjamin Williams, under the bus. So guess who Slade trusts more? You got it! The guy he just met in the ridiculous costume! Fuck the guy Slade has been working with for years! Remember in the Swamp Thing Annual how Etrigan tried this trick on Swamp Thing concerning Cappuccino and Swamp Thing knew better than to believe the fucking asshole that didn't mean anything to him? How Swamp Thing continued to trust and believe in the person he'd worked closely with? And he didn't even know Cappuccino for as long as Slade has known Benji! I guess that just shows that Charles Soule is a better writer than Tony S Daniel. Not that there was any doubt of that in anybody's minds!

Slade decides to drink the last of the magic juice so he can remember what happened during that week he forgot about. It turns out the guy he was hunting, Odysseus? It's his son Joseph! Although it's weird that in his memory when Slade comes face to face with him, he calls his son "Jericho." No wonder Joseph hates his father! How cold is that, calling your son by his code name?!

Deathstroke #2 Rating: When last we saw Jericho, he was able to take over people's minds without disappearing inside of them. I guess he retains that ability and is even able to control hundreds of people at a time. Has he taken over the entire League of Assassins? Also I shouldn't say "when last we saw Jericho" since the previous incarnations of Slade Wilson across three very different versions of him in his last New 52 comic series, his portrayal in Team 7, and his completely revamped history in Villains Month Deathstroke #1, it's best to just assume that none of that shit ever happened. Except that time he fought Stillborn! I'm still pretending there is an idiot name Stillborn in the DC Universe. I think his real name was Deadborn but that's just semantics since, based on his origin, Stillborn actually fit better.

Arkham Manor #2

Why is Batman teaming up with Michael Myers?

This issue begins with a man named Seth being carted off to Arkham Asylum simply because he punched his mother in the face. How do you give somebody who assaulted their mother a fair trial? Wouldn't most jury members just be thinking, "Way to go!"? Hmm, maybe that comment says a bit too much about my relationship with my mother! Also, all of my commentaries are first and foremost works of fiction and should never be thought of as memoir or biography! Especially the parts that make me look bad. Those parts are complete fabrications!

But that part with Seth was just a flashback. The current action continues with Jack "Batman *wink wink*" Shaw imprisoned in Arkham and attending group therapy while he tries to solve the double murder that recently happened inside. I wonder if Batman and Nightwing, independent of each other, ever snuck into Arkham in disguise to try to solve a murder and wound up beating the fuck out of each other? I should probably stop wondering if certain stories have ever been written and just start writing the stories I want to see in DC Comics! Then I can sell them to Scott Lobdell so that he could put his name on something that was finally worth reading.

Therapy looks like so much fun! No wonder everybody does it!

I wish I had some experience with therapy so I could insert a story here that would really make me seem like a horrible person, but I don't. I've always been just fine with all of the horrible things I've ever done in my life (or have had done to me) and never felt the need to talk it over with somebody I'm paying. Although sometimes I reveal too much about my personal life to the barista at the coffee shop. That's kind of like therapy, right? Although I don't think I'd like any kind of therapy; it's group therapy that looks like fun.

Mental illness is so much fun!

During therapy, an Arkham staff member barges in and reveals to the entire room that Zsasz has gone missing. That seems like the kind of news you deliver quietly by memo. This might be why Arkham has such a problem with riots.

After therapy, "Jack Shaw" has a brief conversation with "Eric Border." It ends with far less people dead than usual. That might be proof that the story currently running in Batman is just a hallucination brought on by The Scarecrow's 'Piss and Tear' Fear Formula. Or it's proof that The Joker can't actually smell The Batman. Or maybe Eric Border is just this normal guy whose face The Joker eventually steals because he, you know, needs a new face.

He is kind of funny though! So I think it is The Joker!

Batman doesn't notice that Eric Border is actually The Joker, but he does seem to recognized the old man in the wheelchair. He thinks the old man is somebody dangerous. Maybe he just got The Joker vibe off of Eric Border and now thinks this old guy is The Joker?

Batman tells Eric his suspicions via phone but the reader still gets left in the dark. I should be left frantically wondering who this mysterious old man could be (a Talon, maybe? Some other member of the Court of Owls? Lex Luthor?) but instead I'm just annoyed. I want to know! Stop keeping secrets from me, comic book! I paid good money for you! You work for me now!

Later that night, Batman escapes his cell when he sees, through his cell window, Seth lying in a pool of blood. Batman arrives too late to save Seth but in time to fight a mad cabinet maker. Or maybe he does arrive in time to save Seth even though Seth has a bit of a hole in his head.

Jack "Batman" Shaw almost catches the killer but the guards arrive to knock Jack Shaw out and let the killer finish drilling his hole and get away. Batman winds up with a concussion and a possible murder rap on his hands seeing as how nobody else was found in Seth's room with him. And in therapy remember, it was pointed out that Jack Shaw had never murdered anybody and Batman had to be a big showoff and put doubt in everybody's mind about his status as a murderer. Idiot!

Akrham Manor #2 Rating: Not much was really revealed this month. All I learned is that Batman, as Jack Shaw, is a huge failure that doesn't recognize The Joker, is afraid of an old man in a wheelchair, gets beat up by Arkham guards, and can't stop one crazy murderer. I'm surprised he was able to pick the lock and escape his cell! Maybe that's part of the personality Batman worked up for Jack Shaw: he's a bit of a fuck-up. That's so nobody can guess he's The Batman since The Batman never fucks up! Between that and the mustache, this secret identity will never be cracked! It's almost as good as a pair of glasses!