Bombshells #3

Constantine as a rabbit is my favorite DC Bombshell.

As a male comic book blogger, I try to hide my misogynistic tendencies so that people other than just male comic book nerds will like me. But fuck that shit! This is DC Comics Bombshells! Trigger Warning: Imma gonna be talkin' 'bout some titties!

But first let's talk about John Constantine as a cigarette smoking, tie wearing rabbit. Isn't he adorable?! Zatanna looks like an overly filled colostomy bag next to him! I just want to hug him and squeeze him and tell him how much he probably tastes like chicken! He's so freakin' cute! You know what? I take back my trigger warning. Let's talk about bunnies instead!

Mascara Bunnies are some of my new favorite bunnies since I first realized they existed just a few months ago when I encountered them all alone in the dark, closed pet store that I stalk once a month. I mean clean.

My other favorite bunnies are the ones with New Wave Flops and the ones with sideburns. Apparently I would like all of them even better if they wore ties!

Before Bunny Constantine makes an appearance, I guess I have to read the Batwoman story. Not that I'm disappointed about reading the Batwoman story because she's super hot and sexy with cleavage and a short skirt and she once made fun of Ernest Hemingway which people who often want to seem intelligent never want to do but totally should because Hemingway was awful in a lot of ways (mostly in the story telling way!). Imagine if Batwoman were turned into a bunny! I just had a cutegasm! And it wasn't a cute cutegasm either. It was dark and sensual and explosive (because Bombshell Batwoman drawn by Marguerite Sauvage was involved). Currently Batwoman is beating the crap out of somebody with her bat.

I wonder if Kate Kane's father ever told a wealthy landowner that his wife was actually his sister? And then stole all of his wells?

Harper Row drops in to help Batwoman defeat the Jew-hater. I don't actually know if he hates Jewish people so I shouldn't have said that. I should maybe have been more accurate and called him the man who profits from the death of Jewish people. I don't think you have to specifically hate somebody to give them up to a mass murdering government for some quick cash.

By the way, Harper Row is adorable because she's basically the Bill Dozier Batman television series. I wish Batwoman met Harper Row the same way Batman met Harper Row because then I would have seen Batwoman's nipples as Harper hooks them up to car batteries to jump start her heart! I think that was how Harper met Batman. Although if she used electricity on his heart, she must have been knocking it back into rhythm and not bringing him back to life because Flatliners is one of the biggest lies you've ever swallowed.

I realized this weekend the first lie all parents tell their children. It's when they give them a pacifier so the baby thinks it's sucking on a titty. Then the poor little baby sucks and sucks and sucks but doesn't get what it really wants. Parents are jerks. Also, I warned you I was going to talk about titties!

Batwoman leaves her bat behind and tells Harper to keep it. She's practically forcing Harper to become a vigilante!

See?!

Maggie Sawyer and Kate Kane go out to Cobblepot Boardwalk for Kate's last night in town before she flies off with Waller's Task Force XX. They waste a lot of panels that could have been used for titillating possible last sex ever on cotton candy eating and Ferris wheel riding and Milk Bottle breaking. None of those are sexy euphemisms.

One lousy panel?! And it looks like it was lifted from a pornographic Sailor Moon manga which I totally don't own any of at all and if Doom Bunny says otherwise, he's a big fat liar!

Kate goes off to war the next morning and Maggie sits around crying just waiting for her Dear Jane letter.

Kate meets Amanda at the train station where they get on a magic train full of women doing things men do! And probably better, I must say if I want women reading this to say, "Oh! Tess is just trying to make up for his usual sexist crap!" Kate meets her teammates Doctor Light and Big Barda. Waller gives her her mission which is to enter Berlin as a spy and hit Hitler over the head with a baseball bat shouting, "Baseball is better than cricket!" She has to shout that because the Brits also have an operative going after Hitler! Her name is also Batwoman but she uses a cricket bat, of course. The Americans figure if the Brits beat them to it, the attempted assassination will just wind up being unintentional comedy. A cricket bat will never knock out Hitler's brains! For that, a Louisville Slugger is needed!

Kate also finds out about her contact.

Oh yeah. Now that's the Bat/Cat relationship I want to see!

That's the end of the first story which is a pretty good ending because it leaves the reader full of sexy thoughts about the Cat and the Bat giggling together as they write Maggie's Dear Jane letter after fucking.

The second story begins in The Cabaret of The Joker's Daughter. Some of the German soldiers who came to see Zatanna's burlesque show have been chosen to be sacrificed in a magic ritual. The Joker's Daughter sings the English version of the song which the German sang at the beginning of the first episode of this story. But she sings it all wrong because her lyrics are nothing like my translation. She's such a moron.

Zatanna is forced to help with the ritual since she's the one that knows magic. The Joker's Daughter doesn't know magic at all. Hell, she doesn't even know any good jokes. Double hell, she is a joke! At least Ann Nocenti's version of her is. I guess this is a new version so I don't have to hate her with a passionate psychotic rage.

Some creature named Tenebrus the Binder is created from the bodies of the Germans. Tenebrus takes the form of Spider Jerusalem. The Joker's Daughter is given the job of being its handler. Zatanna decides things have gotten out of control and runs back to her dressing room so that the most adorable character in DC Comics' entire history can be spotlighted in one panel.

Oh my god! He's so scruffy! Awww!

The final story this issue isn't about Starrikov and Stargirlikov. It's the sex romp starring Wonder Woman, Mera, and Steve Trevor's penis.

"Penis."

Mera is a total gossip who can't stop pointing out how much Wonder Woman wants to sit on Steve Trevor's mysterious man parts. But Wonder Woman is all, "He is sick! I let all sick people bring me to orgasm with their mouths! It is...um...just something that helps!" But then Mera's Sea Chariot is struck by a shell from a tank and everybody flies into the water! Mera manages to keep Steve Trevor from drowning by shoving his penis in her vagina.

I know! Totally gasp!

Wonder Woman heads inland to check out modern war with her own eyes and it pisses her off. She decides to subdue her enemies rather than kill them because she'll only kill when there is no other way. Mera also does some stuff and she threatens to make me forget all about Batwoman and begin researching local laws against having sex with comic book characters.

Bunny Constantine who?

The Germans surrender and then General Lane comes rolling along in his tank. He recognizes Steve Trevor and realizes that these women are the kinds of women Amanda Waller's lady parts have been engorged over for her Bombshells project. He doesn't seem to have a comment on Mera's dolphins floating in bubbles behind her. If I were Mera, I would have created cute little legs made out of water for them to walk about on land.

DC Comics Bombshells #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm glad somebody at DC had the sense to turn their Bombshells covers into this particular comic book. Although if it had been left up to the regular decision makers at DC, this comic book would be all tits and ass and little personality. I know in real life most people look for tits and ass over personality (unless you're a woman and then you drop the tits and probably pretend you're into senses of humor and ass) but that would have ruined this comic book. Marguerite Bennett can be completely forgiven for any part she had in the creation of Twat Lobo now that she's brought this into the world. I'm sure she was helped by Marguerite Sauvage and her editiors, Jessica Chen and Jim Chadwick. Whatever and whoever came up with this thing, I just want to thank them because this is a fun comic book that looks amazing and has Constantine as a smoking bunny. Plus it kind of gets me horny and that's always a plus. I meant the lady empowerment turns me on! Not the other stuff that probably titillates the uncouth!

Catwoman #40

Another poster I knew close enough to get partial credit, rounded up, leaving my guessing the movie poster streak at 100%!

After walking to the comic book store a week and a half ago, I stopped by The Pied Cow to meet the Non-Certified Spouse and a couple of friends. I brought out the movie poster covers from that week to see if everybody recognized them. Catwoman was the only one nobody was sure about. But I said I was pretty sure it was a Steve McQueen movie and that the title of the movie was a single name. But I just couldn't remember the fucking name. So I asked Lord Google to give me some "Steve McQueen movie posters" and there it was: Bullitt. And then I had to watch the San Francisco car chase from the movie on YouTube. And I'm nauseated! Not just from the footage being shot from the inside of a muscle car driving fast on the hills of San Francisco but from the memories of being a passenger in my cousin's monster truck driving on those hills. Holy fuck I don't think I've ever been more scared then when he parked sideways on one of those steep hills in a fucking truck cab raised four feet off the ground. I thought for sure we were going to roll sideways down the hill.

I used to have nightmares about driving the hills in San Francisco. For whatever reason, I was terrified to drive up those steep hills. I didn't mind coming down them but going up completely freaked me out.

Who wants to bet the issue begins with some historical correspondence?!

"And I was all, 'Cleo's kid ain't even Caesers, ya know? Know how I know? Cuz he's jus' inta rim jobs, get me? That kid? That's Titus Pullo's kid fer sure cause ya know Pullo donna pullout! Har!'" -- Antony

Selina is beginning to see too many similarities between herself and Cleopatra. She's probably hoping that before she loses everything to a Roman, she can pull her asp out of the fire. Oh!

Holding one of Falcone's men hostage, Selina is hoping to put the Black Mask in the same position he tried to put her in with Nick and his betrayal. She's forcing his hand by asking that he send Mason to speak with her or the Falcone man dies. That puts pressure on Black Mask to cave to her demands or face the wrath of the Falcone family because he's putting their man in danger just to avoid dealing with Selina. She's already been threatened with a gang war so she doesn't have anything to lose. If the war starts this way, at least she knows Black Mask will have as many enemies as she does with the added benefit that she gets to make the first move.

Nobody is quite sure who the Forster Lane Book Club will side with, so Selina, having gotten in good with Lewis, one of its members, decides to pay their leader a visit.

Penguin is probably still angry that Catwoman dragged him into an Ann Nocenti story.

Penguin and Catwoman part company with some kind of respect for each other and the way the other does business. And since The Penguin's goals are loftier than any other crime boss can possibly imagine, he acts like he doesn't really care what happens during this turf war. As long as he gains the right turf and the right allies, he seems content to let the others bicker for scraps. I think he's just an arrogant, uninteresting jerk who's giving penguins a bad name!

Selina's people kick off some minor skirmishes on Hasigawa's docks to lure out Black Mask. Selina lets the Falcones have their man back. The cops get involved and somebody sets off the Bat-signal when the Egyptian Club is hit by another group. And Alvarez and Keyes are still trying to figure out why they're still in this comic book and whose side they're on and whether or not they trust each other or anybody at all.

They might as well be Laurel and Hardy.

Selina beats Alvarez and Keyes to their stool pigeons (or their wannabe rats?). Mason tries to take Antonia hostage because taking hostages is the cool thing to do. But Selina slices him open and sends him on his way. Although he does manage to shoot Antonia in the knee before skulking out of Gotham with some juicy family history that Selina will probably want to learn. Eventually. Now Selina will probably tell Antonia that she's an idiot for not following orders and staying away for the night.

Just like that!

Then Catwoman waves at Batman and the gang war takes a break for a couple of months.

Catwoman #40 Rating: No change. I really need the Cliff's Notes version of this story! Or some kind of relationship flow chart so I know who is in bed with who and who trusts what and which gang is besties with which other gang and who keeps tattling to Alvarez and Keyes and how often Eiko and Selina have sex. I'm just so confused! I think I kind of know what's going on but I don't really trust my memory to keep it all straight. And maybe dumb down some of that historical context for me, Genevieve! Sheesh! Who knows anything about the relationship between Caeser and Cleopatra! Did they know each other? Didn't they live on different continents? How did ancient people travel very far when they only had camels and jogging briskly as traveling options? Also weren't they just fictional characters invented by Christopher Marlowe under a pseudonym?! How about using some letters from Kurt Vonnegut or Ernest Hemingway next time. They're writing style is easily comprehended by seventh graders! I think I could handle that.

Catwoman #39

The oversized boobs are to distract you from finding Balent's secret kitty.

Previously in Catwoman, a whole lot of stuff you didn't understand happened between a whole bunch of people whose relationships you couldn't keep straight. But it was all done so well that you put the comic book down and thought, "I just readed some smartish stuff!" Then you played Candy Crush Saga for an hour after which you contemplated suicide for fifteen minutes. Ultimately, you dropped the subject, knowing you didn't have the nerve to ever actually go through with it no matter how pointless your life had become, and headed off to eat some Chicken Fries from Burger King.

I hope Valentine begins this issue with some correspondence from some historical personage that I can understand. Who are some stupid women who wrote a lot of letters?! I hope the opening quote is by one of them!

Surprisingly, the letter is from a man! And it's understandable because he's stupid! It's from Cesare Borgia to his sister Lucrezia and he thinks good news is as good as medicine for curing illnesses! What a dope! Of course, it was 1502 and they probably thought a lot of weird shit could cure illnesses. Back then, doctors would witness something like somebody farting a lot on their deathbed only to get better so they began feeding dying people lots of beans. Although I should be careful belittling people from the past! I'm not one of those people that equates ancient culture with innocence and naiveté. When people think aliens had to help the Ancient Egyptians build the pyramids because they can't understand how they could have been built without machines and modern know-how, it just shows a lack of imagination on the part of the modern thinker. Humans were not dumber two thousand years ago. Hell, they began building the ladder of knowledge which we stand at the top of looking down on them and their accomplishments. Maybe a letter containing good news is better than medicine! What do I know? I'm not a doctor or an epistler!

As quickly as Catwoman rose to prominence in the Gotham Underworld, she's falling just as fast to Black Mask's coup.

Black Mask gets the families close to him to agree to an assassination of Selina Kyle. But Lewis of the Forster Lane Book Club rats Black Mask out to Detective Keyes. Somebody needs to draw a diagram showing the relationships between the crime families and the police and who trusts whom because my head is too full of Spaghetti-Os to keep it all straight.

Ugh, I can't believe I used to love Spaghetti-Os as a kid. I'm sure I'm still paying, in some manner, for all the cans of that crap I ate thirty years ago!

The assassination attempt fails and the assassin is killed. It's one of Falcone's men, so Selina learns that the Falcones are no longer standing with the Calabreses. So who's left that has her back? Eiko Catwoman, Batman, Mason, and The Book Club of Forster Lane? That's not so much an army as a sparse cocktail party with cucumber sandwiches and mimosas.

Mason wants Selina to work with the Blask Mask now that he's in good with the Hasigawas and the Falcones. But it's way too late for Selina to work with the Black Mask. The possibility of that alliance died with Nick. But Selina has Mason's ear and he's Black Mask's right hand man. She also has Eiko's...I don't know, heart, maybe? And she's the daughter of the head of the Hasigawa clan, so she's got some pull there as well. And Falcone is a minor player at this point having hidden in Hong Kong for the past five years or so. All of this intrigue is too much for me! If I were Selina, I'd just put the Catwoman costume back on and go steal a famous piece of jewelry.

The Penguin hasn't made a move yet. I'm sure he's going to kill somebody in a few pages.

Smart! Selina's not a great hand-to-hand combatant. But she's a top notch fuckfighter! Now she's in a position to crush Eiko if they ever get into another fight! Er, fuckfight!

The Penguin finally turns up in Black Mask's office offering an alliance with him. It's going to be hard pretending that The Penguin and Catwoman don't already know each other when they eventually meet up again. And then all of those Nocenti stories are going to bubble up to the surface like murder victims in Slaughter Swamp.

The issue ends with Selina taking Falcone's man hostage when he comes to apologize on behalf of Carmine Falcone who claims he had no knowledge of his man working with Black Mask. She plans on holding him unless Black Mask sends Mason in exchange. This way she can put pressure on Black Mask to make a choice between Mason or his relationship with the Falcones.

Catwoman #39 Rating: No change. One of my hopes and dreams for next issue: The Penguin murders Black Mask. DC Comics killed Harvey Dent last year, I think they can let Roman Sionis go as well. The Mask can just find another face to sit on. Another more hopeful dream: Selina and Eiko both dress up as Catwoman and reenact the fuck scene from Catwoman #1. Plus less criminal underworld intrigue. I don't have any synapses left to keep the characters and relationships straight! Maybe a few of them can all die over in Batman Eternal to lighten the load on my brain.

Catwoman #38

It's fuckfight time!

I hope this comic book earns its Teen Plus Rating this month. Maybe Batman is stopping by to apologize for constantly being a patronizing dickhole. And to borrow some cash because he's all kinds of flat broke right now. Probably horny too. When is the last time Bruce Wayne got laid? Was it the pianist, Natalya?

This issue begins with more ancient correspondence that is practically in another language. Something about how Selina had to kill Nick or else the other crime families would have smelled weakness all over her. But by having Nick killed, she filled Antonia with poison and fangs or something. It's all very convoluted because that's what happens when you let people into your life. Suddenly your actions affect the way they feel and it's like, "Ugh! I just want to do whatever I want without being bothered by consequences!" That's why at thirteen, I told my entire family to fuck off! Oh wait. That's what I'm planning to do on the thirteenth of this month.

If killing family is good enough for the Queen, then it must be good enough for me! Can you rent chainsaws?

This issue must have a fuckfight in it because it's called "The Serpent." Rim shot!

Oh! I hope the fuckfight features rimming!

Selina is leaving Antonia behind as she answers an invitation to a meeting with the Black Mask. Black Mask's meeting isn't so much as a trap as an open invitation to Selina's execution. Selina knows it but what better way to make a fool of a foolish asshole like Black Mask than to kick his ass when he thinks he has the upper hand?

Doing it with your high heeled shoe is just the cherry on top.

Hopefully Selina will strangle Black Mask with her thong next! I was going to suggest she do it with her bra but judging by her shirts which constantly hang open to her belly, she doesn't wear a bra. Speaking of Selina's bras, did she lose two full cup sizes since going from Catwoman to Crime Lord?

Black Mask's mask just grins stupidly as he listens dumbfounded to Selina put him in his place. I bet after she walked out, he sputtered and ranted about how he's the goddamned Black Mask and nobody treats him that way for like ten minutes as his bodyguards looked around nervously trying not to laugh.

Selina leaves the meeting less concerned about the business of the Calabrese family and more interested in how she's going to ruin Black Mask.

Later that night, Batman tries to take her into custody for running guns. She asks him to trust her to do her vigilante thing her way just like he does his vigilante thing his way but he says that he's a man and she's a woman which somehow explains his reasoning somehow. Okay, he doesn't actually say those things but it's totally in his body language and his history of talking down to Selina and his throbbing bulge in his Bat-codpiece. Selina is tired of his shit which can only mean one thing:

LET THE FUCKFIGHT COMMENCE!

It's almost like I only read Catwoman for the fuckfights.

The fighting part of the fuckfight ends and then it's on to the fucking part of the fuckfight!

Whoops! Looks like Batman comes in his Batpants in that second panel and Selina doesn't take too kindly to it.

Then the new Catwoman arrives! Holy shit! A fuckfight à trois!

Catwoman is just checking in to make sure everything is going okay and that the gun deal is being stopped. Which is also why Batman is there. And also why Selina is there. So what's the problem? Oh right! The problem is only Batman is trying to stop it his way which is the right way. If only he realized what a benefit having Selina and Eiko running two of the crime families would be since they love to undermine their own deals! That's a lot of crime that never even winds up happening!

Batman once heard Alfred say that to somebody somewhere.

Catwoman walks away with some final biting words to Batman and he lets her go because what more is there to do? He already came in his Batpants!

Antonia winds up in jail since the gun deal was busted due to an anonymous tip. The guns got away and were probably dumped in the ocean since Selina's plan all along was to get them out of Gotham. Falcone's men on the dock were busted with all the heroin, so that's off the streets as well. At least until the corrupt Gotham cops start selling it themselves. But a lot of trouble has been stirred up by the deal gone wrong and Hasigawa has moved one step closer to turning his back on the Calabrese family and working with Black Mask instead.

I don't think anybody in Gotham is unclear about who the anonymous tip was. Selina had Nick killed and she's still found herself on the outs with the criminal underground, including her own family.

Shouldn't some huge, culturally relevant diamond come to town to be put on display for a couple weeks at this point? And shouldn't it be stolen by a master cat burglar?!

Meanwhile, things just get more complicated.

What?! I'm already having enough trouble following all the ins and outs of the manipulations and power plays!

The problem with bringing The Penguin into this mess is that now I have to remember all the previous, horribly written interactions between The Penguin and Catwoman!

The story ends with Selina spying on Mason (Black Mask's toady who has, on at least two different occasions, seemed overly concerned with Selina and her family's welfare) because she needs to know if Black Mask is going to try to kill Antonia for the gun deal debacle. Selina wanders off and almost gets hit by a car but is saved by Mason. When she asks him why he would bother saving her, he says, "What are brothers for?" Wait, whut?

I wonder if Genevieve Valentine is going to make sense of all of the stuff Ann Nocenti wrote about Selina Kyle's past? Is this the brother she had when she was an orphan on the street that I can't remember anything about because I read it so long ago and don't have the drive to dig through my comic book boxes to refresh my memory? That question is so somebody else will remind me what happened in Selina's early years!

Catwoman #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. Well written but damn if my brain is about to hit an overflow limit with the characters and relationships in this book! If this were a movie, I'd be the asshole two rows behind you constantly going, "Who was that guy again? What's he to her? Wasn't he in Lord of the Rings and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and The X-Files and Alien Resurrection and Deadwood?" Quick! Guess who I'm talking about! He was also in everything else ever filmed!

Catwoman #37

Fucking new highbrow Catwoman comic book! First historical quotes and now ballet?! How am I supposed to understand any of this?!

Why is this comic book still rated Teen Plus? Selina Kyle is almost always fully clothed now and she's too busy with her crime family business to be horny the way women never actually are! I have to lie about women and their levels of hornyness on my blog because my blog isn't rated and children might be reading it. And the worst thing American children can learn, it seems, is that women like to fuck just as much as men do. Sometimes more! And sometimes men like to fuck less! Remember Married With Children? Al never wanted to fuck Peggy even though she was constantly pawing at his cock. And that show was practically a documentary about the American family. At least my family, anyway.

The Bundys and the Conners were probably the only families on television that I identified with. My mom could barely stand to watch Roseanne because the explosive fights between Roseanne and Becky reminded her too much of her blowouts between her and my sister. I was Darlene. Our family didn't have a DJ. Come to think of it, our family didn't have a Dan either!

This issue begins with Selina's cousin, the one that was passing information to Alvarez, dumped at her door by Black Mask's men. He's wearing a note which says, "Might want to seal your leak." But what if Selina liked the leak? Some leaks serve good purposes, like valves that vent pressure to relieve stress on a system. You know, like Nick was doing for Selina!

Come on, Catwoman! If anybody can change the rules of the game, it's you! Cats don't follow rules. They say, "Rules? What is this rules you are talking about? Can it be eaten? No? Then take it away."

Everybody in the Calabrese organization minus Antonia and Selina want Nick's head for squealing. But Selina would rather have information from him. The whole kidnapping was orchestrated by Black Mask so that Selina would know Black Mask put her in the position to have to deal with a family member turned traitor in front of the entire organization. It's a move to make her look weak in the eyes of the other Gotham crime families, and Black Mask wants her to know he's behind it.

Black Mask uses this opportunity to try to get the Hasigawa Family to partner with his new venture which, if I remember correctly, currently has an exclusive contract with the city of Gotham for reconstruction. Or something. Business is boring. I wish Catwoman would steal something!

But since that doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon, I guess I have to wait with everybody else to see how she punishes Nick.

Ouch. Maybe Selina knows she won't be able to go through with it and she'll escape with him and they'll live happily ever after in Metropolis? Maybe?

Actually, what do I care what happens to Nick and Antonia? I can barely even remember their names!

Eiko Hasigawa has arrived just in time to hear Selina's ultimate decision on the Nick situation. So maybe Catwoman will save him! Catwoman has to do something. Her name is all over the cover!

Or maybe Batman will save Nick! Doesn't Batman usually save people? Isn't that what he's supposed to...

Oh. Well. Um. I guess that's it for whats-his-name.

So family, right? What's up with that?!

Catwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Now that Selina Kyle has proven she's got what it takes to keep a crime family in control by sacrificing a close family member, she's going to own Gotham City in no time! Plus she might just kill Black Mask for this. I think it's long past due that Black Mask was stricken from Batman's recurring villains roster! Besides, Roman Sionis can always be replaced by the next guy to pick up the mask and imagine it's talking to him.

Leaving behind my typical blog voice, I just want to say this about this issue: Genevieve Valentine actually made me care about the death of a character whose name I couldn't even remember when I started reading this issue. Some writers could kill a major character and it wouldn't faze me! So kudos, Genevieve, on some really good shit happening here in Catwoman. I miss Catwoman doing Catwoman adventures, and I think we still need more Batman especially since I already trust you to do their relationship well, but fucking hell if this isn't ten thousand times better than what Nocenti was passing off for scripts. And even calling this ten thousand times better than a Nocenti script feels like I'm insulting you!

Catwoman #36

Stupid Lego. Don't they know Catwoman never keeps her catsuit fully zipped?

The worst part about these Lego covers are the Lego characters. The next worst part is that they're recycling the covers from the Zero issues. So those images in the background are a traumatic reminder of when Ann Nocenti took over this comic book and pissed in fan's faces for two years.

Selina Kyle has put away the cat suit to become the head of the Calabrese crime family. She's been busy trying to get the crime families to pool some of their income in an effort to make the underworld a safer, more profitable place to do business in Gotham. I think she understands the importance of doing illegal business that is just under the radar of The Batman. But the Black Mask doesn't like what he's seeing. Unless he doesn't like something else, like maybe Selina is stealing his shit or cutting into his profits or marking his turf or vomiting hairballs into his shoes. I might understand it better if I wasn't still confused about all that Elizabeth I talk from last issue!

There's also a new Catwo-Man in town!

The old Catwo-Man busies herself with meeting crime bosses and smiling politely in that threatening manner that proves she's the best crime boss in the room. Everybody is wearing suits instead of costumes. It's a very confusing comic book to read. Who is the bad guy? Where are the tough one-liners? How come nobody has yet said, "Is that all you've got?" At least Black Mask has the decency to wear that stupid mask so I feel like I'm reading a comic book.

I think these are the bad guys! Ask-a-lot, Incorporated! Unless it's Ocelot, Inc!

I could never write a story like this. All the intrigue involved in businesses and construction and the criminal underworld and corrupt cops and politicians. It's all a bunch of stuff that I would find too boring to research to make a credible story out of it. I suppose some people find this kind of thing fascinating which lends to being curious enough about it that they follow this kind of shit in the real world. As long as it can be made into a fascinating Catwoman story, I'm all for it. You know, the way Charles Soule made practicing law fun over in She-Hulk. Or the way John Grisham made clerking in a law firm seem as exciting as battling spies except with copiers and billing reports! If I were going to write an exciting story about the things that I hold near and dear to my heart, it would revolve around candy and masturbation.

Who are all these strange named people that keep getting mentioned now in this comic book? Come on, Genevieve! Talk about something I understand! Kit-kats! Butterfingers! Is Sforza a chocolate bar? Is Borgia a powdered candy? Is Elizabeth I a British version of Chunky?

This comic book has gotten too highbrow for me! What happened to all of the Guillem March ass and tit shots?! This book is going to lose its Teen Plus Rating if it can't find its way back to the gutter! I mean, as long as Ann Nocenti isn't writing it, I'm happy! I don't mind pretending to recognize the historical, art history, and literary allusions scattered about the comic book as long as it means I don't have to read anymore awkward dialogues written by that monster!

I suppose if I were paying for Showtime, I might know more about this stuff!

I mean, of course I already know all about Caterina Sforza! She was, um, an Italian noblewoman, the illegitimate daughter of Galeazzo Maria Sforza, Duke of Milan and Lucrezia Landriani, the wife of the courtier Gian Piero Landriani, a close friend of the Duke. Who doesn't know that?!

On a side note, does anybody know how to edit a Wikipedia page so that a person (not me! My, um, cousin!) can change the wording of something on Wikipedia so that it reads differently than the text that they've recently copied and pasted from it? Just, you know, wondering. For a friend! I mean, my cousin!

Speaking of Caterina Sforza and Wikipedia as I just did, I want to mention this bit from the Wikipedia that I read many, many years ago and didn't just read trying to learn about this Sforza character! This is the bit copied directly from Wikipedia:

The Orsis believed Caterina because she left her children as hostages, but once inside she let loose a barrage of vulgar threats and promises of vengeance against her former captors. According to a legend, when they threatened to kill her children, she exposed her genitals from the fortress walls and said: "Ho con me lo stampo per farne degli altri!." ("I have the mold to make more!")

I guess this history stuff isn't as highbrow as I'd first thought! Also, is that the proper way to provide the translation of a quote in another language? Does Chicago agree with that style? Just wondering! I'm not saying it's right or wrong! What do I know? I don't even know what Cesare Borgia had against Caterina Sforza!

Forget all of that previous nonsense! I should probably mention that Selina Kyle agrees to distribute heroin for the Hasigawa family in exchange for using their ports to ship guns out of Gotham City. Eiko Hasigawa seems disturbed that Selina agrees to this proposition. I guess they won't become best friends any time soon! At least not until Eiko realizes that Selina has no intention of distributing heroin in Gotham.

One of Selina's right hand cousins has been leaking information to Detective Alvarez who suddenly thinks he's going to bring the Gotham criminal underworld to its knees all by himself. But Selina doesn't mind because she wants the shipment of heroin nabbed by the cops. Then she gets what she wants without hurting Gotham City. And all she has to do is pretend she doesn't know anything! That's my favorite play too! That way, when you really don't know something, it seems like maybe you do know that something because you've spent so much time pretending you don't know things that you obviously do know about!

And then the new Catwo-Man pays Selina a visit. And the new Catwo-Man is...Eiko! I probably guessed that in my sleep and then forgot I'd guessed it.

Come on! That Robin waiting list line is a killer!

And finally, Nick Calabrese, Selina's traitorous cousin, is nabbed by The Black Mask. Which probably means trouble for somebody or something. I mean besides just Nick!

Catwoman #36 Rating: More Caterina Sforza! Less Lucretia Borgia! But even if that doesn't happen, I'm more than happy with this change to the comic book. It's a strange direction to go with Selina Kyle, but why not? It just needs at least one scene between Selina and Batman each issue. Or now, maybe between Batman and Eiko! I hope Batman and Eiko accidentally fuckfight next issue!

Catwoman #35

Trick or treating in Gotham, I'd expect a pumpkin full of bullet casings and used needles.

I'd like to have a frank discussion (and by "discussion," I mean "monologue") about sexual relations between the genders since this book is full of sex and not full of decapitations. You really can only have one or the other. So Batman and Robin gets the decapitations and this book gets the fornication. Although the book has really just been coasting for thirty four issues on the first issue sex scene between Batman and Catwoman. Hardly a sheet has been soiled since! But it still has a teen plus rating for some reason. Perhaps DC was just trying to protect the fragile minds of children from Ann Nocenti's dialogue. You can't be too careful with brains still forging their neural pathways. You don't want to expose them to terrible shit so that their brains get used to terrible shit and wind up, as adult brains, seeking out that terrible shit for pleasure.

Oh yeah! Speaking of pleasure, I was going to discuss how our society views sex differently depending on the gender of the person engaged in the act. I think before we can entertain the possibility of social equality when it comes to men and women engaging in coitus, we have to first change the language. When teaching some young person (or grown ass person raised by their Auntie Grizelda), the act is usually described as the penis entering the vagina. Although, really, it depends on how many inches the penis is if we're going to accurately state it entered the vagina! Perhaps people that know what actually happens during sex (don't look at me! I keep my eyes closed!) say something like the penis enters the vaginal opening. The vulva? Or the labia? Labias? The cricket?!

Anyway, forget all that! I'm getting distracted! What I meant to point out is how our language, even when just describing the act in regards to the reproductive organs, places the male organ as the subject and the female organ as the object. The lady parts are seen as passive while the male parts do all the banging. And since language codifies thought (or something more accurate that doesn't sound as smart), what the person being told about sex hears is the man acts out sex on the woman. That puts the power in the penis and, thus, the man (though, just so you don't shut me down for erasure, not in all cases. This is a general discussion of the (boringly) average populace. I don't have time to go over every individual case. Well, maybe I do. But I'm not going to since I barely know about the case that would most likely involve my reproductive parts!). So from now on, we should describe sex as the vagina enfolding the penis. I suppose you could also use engulfing or swallowing as well but that might frighten young boys away from the vagina.

Although is that really such a bad thing? Frightening boys away from it? Why don't we just say vagina have teeth? I mean, we already have a social contract between adults and children that allows for adults to lie to them as often as possible. They lie about the tooth fairy and Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Stork and Jesus Christ. Why not tell boys that women's vagina have teeth which fall out during the woman's first time having sex? And by "fall out," I mean latch on to the penis and lacerate the fuck out of it? I suppose that would cause more trouble than it's worth since the first time a boy and girl engage in sex (because they really, really love each other and plan on spending the rest of their lives together and never think about fucking anybody else ever), the boy will want to know where the woman's vagina teeth have gone. Then he'll think that she's already had sex and he'll pout and cry and be a little douche because, even at that young, innocent, naive age, he already thinks a woman belongs to him and that she owes it to him to not have had sex before she even met him. And then the girl will have to tell the boy how she had a really bad bicycle accident where she fell on the bar really hard and knocked out all her vaginal teeth.

Maybe it's best just to be honest with kids!

So did we learn anything? No? Oh well. I guess I'm not the person to be educating other people on whatever I thought I was trying to educate them on. How did Catwoman fit in to this discussion?

I don't even know how Catwoman fits into the discussion of Catwoman?! What language is this letter in? Prig Latin?

The name of this issue is "Comfort to the Hurt of the King." So if I understood the Prig Latin letter, maybe I'd understand what this issue was about! All I know for sure is that Catwoman is now the heir to the Calabrese Crime Family and that she's no longer being written by Ann Nocenti. Thank the Vaginal Teeth of Santa Jesus Bunny!

Now instead of jewel heists, this book is going to be about crime family drama! Except it hadn't been about jewel heists for quite a while anyway. Remember when Ann Nocenti had Selina declare she was done with jewels and gems?! I think it was because of Eclipso. Holy shit was that an awful story. Just like all of her other stories!

Selina is suddenly fascinated with the reign of Elizabeth I. Did she rule England? Was she the one that was around during Shakespeare's time? Didn't she enjoy that fucking Faerie Queene bullshit by Wrong Way Spenser? I don't know if that was Edmund Spenser's nickname or not, but I think he would have liked it!

I hope in four hundred years, people call the end of the 20th Century the Tessian Age! How do I become powerful enough for that to happen? Is it too late? Did I make my first mistake by being born to the wrong mother?! Stupid mom!

I like the premise of this story. I like how it's working around the events of Batman Eternal in much the same way Arkham Manor is. But it's just weird that it's a Catwoman story.

Catwoman's current job is to not steal anything. Also, she needs to get the Hasigawa Family to join the coalition of Crime Families for the Betterment of Gotham City (CFBGC. That's a dumb acronym. No wonder people like backronyms better). The Hasigawas are rarely ever heard about because Valentine may have just created them for this story. They're Japanese which means they're probably good martial artists with the skills and values of the samurai. What's that called? Sokobon? Sodoku? Bukake? Bushido! They probably also love raking sand, growing small trees, bubble tea, and folding paper. I'm not stereotyping! I'm playing the odds!

I think Selina and Eiko are going to become good, Teen Plus friends. If you get my meaning! I mean, video game sleepovers and gossip parties and roller skating and getting drunk on wine while discussing Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn's Teen Plus relationship.

Meanwhile, Alvarez and Keyes are still in this comic book. I suppose that's a good thing although every time I see them, I'm going to be thinking of Nocenti. They've been hunting Catwoman for quite awhile now. Did they know she was Catwoman? I can't remember. They do know that Selina is selling Gotham's guns to out of towners and Alvarez doesn't like it! How come neither of these cops have figured out that Selina works in their Suicide Hotline Department?

I'd rather you write it for me! What are you talking about?! Does this have something to do with that "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" song?! Is this a reference to Elizabeth I?!

Later, Batman shows up. And simply because Genevieve wrote the following two panels, I love her for taking over this comic book! Unless Genevieve is a guy's name. And then I meant platonic love, of course!

Glad to see Selina saying "Fuck you!" to Batman. Even if it is just with a look. Maybe especially because it's just that look!

Batman has so many facets depending on who's writing him. Of course there's the hyper-violent, emotionless vigilante which we get way, way too often. I like the Batman in this current scene with Catwoman, even though he's awkward and uncomfortable and mostly a dick. He really thinks this is a sweet interaction, doesn't he? Batman just can't see when he's being a controlling, withholding, unbearable asshat. And I love that Batman! He should be emotionally awkward and unsure how to pursue a relationship with a woman that isn't just Bruce Wayne arm candy! His relationship with Selina could work because they know the other's true selves (not that she knows his identity yet in The New 52. But Bruce is the mask anyway, so it doesn't really matter) but Batman...well, shit, Batman is constantly going to fuck it up. Just because he doesn't know how not to be completely Batman. And I want a Catwoman that will have no real part of him until he straightens the fuck out. So I love those two panels. There can be a variety of reasons and interpretations for that look Selina gives. But I think they all wind up in a kind of "Fuck you, Batman" place.

As I've stated before, Batman loves to lecture Selina every chance he gets. And he doesn't miss the chance this time either!

Goddamn this comic book has needed more of these two having real fucking interactions.

Meanwhile, Black Mask becomes some kind of player or opponent or something. We'll see eventually, I suppose. And Selina notices, later that night from her balcony, a woman on top of a building far away. A woman in a cat suit!

Catwoman #35 Rating: +20 Rankings! Okay, okay. I'm just a little giddy from the non-Nocenti I just didn't partake of. Or did partake of! Stupid negatives. Whatever! I suddenly have high fucking hopes for a huge turn around on Catwoman! Hey, Genevieve? How would you feel about writing Klarion soon?