Catwoman #37

Fucking new highbrow Catwoman comic book! First historical quotes and now ballet?! How am I supposed to understand any of this?!

Why is this comic book still rated Teen Plus? Selina Kyle is almost always fully clothed now and she's too busy with her crime family business to be horny the way women never actually are! I have to lie about women and their levels of hornyness on my blog because my blog isn't rated and children might be reading it. And the worst thing American children can learn, it seems, is that women like to fuck just as much as men do. Sometimes more! And sometimes men like to fuck less! Remember Married With Children? Al never wanted to fuck Peggy even though she was constantly pawing at his cock. And that show was practically a documentary about the American family. At least my family, anyway.

The Bundys and the Conners were probably the only families on television that I identified with. My mom could barely stand to watch Roseanne because the explosive fights between Roseanne and Becky reminded her too much of her blowouts between her and my sister. I was Darlene. Our family didn't have a DJ. Come to think of it, our family didn't have a Dan either!

This issue begins with Selina's cousin, the one that was passing information to Alvarez, dumped at her door by Black Mask's men. He's wearing a note which says, "Might want to seal your leak." But what if Selina liked the leak? Some leaks serve good purposes, like valves that vent pressure to relieve stress on a system. You know, like Nick was doing for Selina!

Come on, Catwoman! If anybody can change the rules of the game, it's you! Cats don't follow rules. They say, "Rules? What is this rules you are talking about? Can it be eaten? No? Then take it away."

Everybody in the Calabrese organization minus Antonia and Selina want Nick's head for squealing. But Selina would rather have information from him. The whole kidnapping was orchestrated by Black Mask so that Selina would know Black Mask put her in the position to have to deal with a family member turned traitor in front of the entire organization. It's a move to make her look weak in the eyes of the other Gotham crime families, and Black Mask wants her to know he's behind it.

Black Mask uses this opportunity to try to get the Hasigawa Family to partner with his new venture which, if I remember correctly, currently has an exclusive contract with the city of Gotham for reconstruction. Or something. Business is boring. I wish Catwoman would steal something!

But since that doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon, I guess I have to wait with everybody else to see how she punishes Nick.

Ouch. Maybe Selina knows she won't be able to go through with it and she'll escape with him and they'll live happily ever after in Metropolis? Maybe?

Actually, what do I care what happens to Nick and Antonia? I can barely even remember their names!

Eiko Hasigawa has arrived just in time to hear Selina's ultimate decision on the Nick situation. So maybe Catwoman will save him! Catwoman has to do something. Her name is all over the cover!

Or maybe Batman will save Nick! Doesn't Batman usually save people? Isn't that what he's supposed to...

Oh. Well. Um. I guess that's it for whats-his-name.

So family, right? What's up with that?!

Catwoman #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Now that Selina Kyle has proven she's got what it takes to keep a crime family in control by sacrificing a close family member, she's going to own Gotham City in no time! Plus she might just kill Black Mask for this. I think it's long past due that Black Mask was stricken from Batman's recurring villains roster! Besides, Roman Sionis can always be replaced by the next guy to pick up the mask and imagine it's talking to him.

Leaving behind my typical blog voice, I just want to say this about this issue: Genevieve Valentine actually made me care about the death of a character whose name I couldn't even remember when I started reading this issue. Some writers could kill a major character and it wouldn't faze me! So kudos, Genevieve, on some really good shit happening here in Catwoman. I miss Catwoman doing Catwoman adventures, and I think we still need more Batman especially since I already trust you to do their relationship well, but fucking hell if this isn't ten thousand times better than what Nocenti was passing off for scripts. And even calling this ten thousand times better than a Nocenti script feels like I'm insulting you!

Catwoman #36

Stupid Lego. Don't they know Catwoman never keeps her catsuit fully zipped?

The worst part about these Lego covers are the Lego characters. The next worst part is that they're recycling the covers from the Zero issues. So those images in the background are a traumatic reminder of when Ann Nocenti took over this comic book and pissed in fan's faces for two years.

Selina Kyle has put away the cat suit to become the head of the Calabrese crime family. She's been busy trying to get the crime families to pool some of their income in an effort to make the underworld a safer, more profitable place to do business in Gotham. I think she understands the importance of doing illegal business that is just under the radar of The Batman. But the Black Mask doesn't like what he's seeing. Unless he doesn't like something else, like maybe Selina is stealing his shit or cutting into his profits or marking his turf or vomiting hairballs into his shoes. I might understand it better if I wasn't still confused about all that Elizabeth I talk from last issue!

There's also a new Catwo-Man in town!

The old Catwo-Man busies herself with meeting crime bosses and smiling politely in that threatening manner that proves she's the best crime boss in the room. Everybody is wearing suits instead of costumes. It's a very confusing comic book to read. Who is the bad guy? Where are the tough one-liners? How come nobody has yet said, "Is that all you've got?" At least Black Mask has the decency to wear that stupid mask so I feel like I'm reading a comic book.

I think these are the bad guys! Ask-a-lot, Incorporated! Unless it's Ocelot, Inc!

I could never write a story like this. All the intrigue involved in businesses and construction and the criminal underworld and corrupt cops and politicians. It's all a bunch of stuff that I would find too boring to research to make a credible story out of it. I suppose some people find this kind of thing fascinating which lends to being curious enough about it that they follow this kind of shit in the real world. As long as it can be made into a fascinating Catwoman story, I'm all for it. You know, the way Charles Soule made practicing law fun over in She-Hulk. Or the way John Grisham made clerking in a law firm seem as exciting as battling spies except with copiers and billing reports! If I were going to write an exciting story about the things that I hold near and dear to my heart, it would revolve around candy and masturbation.

Who are all these strange named people that keep getting mentioned now in this comic book? Come on, Genevieve! Talk about something I understand! Kit-kats! Butterfingers! Is Sforza a chocolate bar? Is Borgia a powdered candy? Is Elizabeth I a British version of Chunky?

This comic book has gotten too highbrow for me! What happened to all of the Guillem March ass and tit shots?! This book is going to lose its Teen Plus Rating if it can't find its way back to the gutter! I mean, as long as Ann Nocenti isn't writing it, I'm happy! I don't mind pretending to recognize the historical, art history, and literary allusions scattered about the comic book as long as it means I don't have to read anymore awkward dialogues written by that monster!

I suppose if I were paying for Showtime, I might know more about this stuff!

I mean, of course I already know all about Caterina Sforza! She was, um, an Italian noblewoman, the illegitimate daughter of Galeazzo Maria Sforza, Duke of Milan and Lucrezia Landriani, the wife of the courtier Gian Piero Landriani, a close friend of the Duke. Who doesn't know that?!

On a side note, does anybody know how to edit a Wikipedia page so that a person (not me! My, um, cousin!) can change the wording of something on Wikipedia so that it reads differently than the text that they've recently copied and pasted from it? Just, you know, wondering. For a friend! I mean, my cousin!

Speaking of Caterina Sforza and Wikipedia as I just did, I want to mention this bit from the Wikipedia that I read many, many years ago and didn't just read trying to learn about this Sforza character! This is the bit copied directly from Wikipedia:

The Orsis believed Caterina because she left her children as hostages, but once inside she let loose a barrage of vulgar threats and promises of vengeance against her former captors. According to a legend, when they threatened to kill her children, she exposed her genitals from the fortress walls and said: "Ho con me lo stampo per farne degli altri!." ("I have the mold to make more!")

I guess this history stuff isn't as highbrow as I'd first thought! Also, is that the proper way to provide the translation of a quote in another language? Does Chicago agree with that style? Just wondering! I'm not saying it's right or wrong! What do I know? I don't even know what Cesare Borgia had against Caterina Sforza!

Forget all of that previous nonsense! I should probably mention that Selina Kyle agrees to distribute heroin for the Hasigawa family in exchange for using their ports to ship guns out of Gotham City. Eiko Hasigawa seems disturbed that Selina agrees to this proposition. I guess they won't become best friends any time soon! At least not until Eiko realizes that Selina has no intention of distributing heroin in Gotham.

One of Selina's right hand cousins has been leaking information to Detective Alvarez who suddenly thinks he's going to bring the Gotham criminal underworld to its knees all by himself. But Selina doesn't mind because she wants the shipment of heroin nabbed by the cops. Then she gets what she wants without hurting Gotham City. And all she has to do is pretend she doesn't know anything! That's my favorite play too! That way, when you really don't know something, it seems like maybe you do know that something because you've spent so much time pretending you don't know things that you obviously do know about!

And then the new Catwo-Man pays Selina a visit. And the new Catwo-Man is...Eiko! I probably guessed that in my sleep and then forgot I'd guessed it.

Come on! That Robin waiting list line is a killer!

And finally, Nick Calabrese, Selina's traitorous cousin, is nabbed by The Black Mask. Which probably means trouble for somebody or something. I mean besides just Nick!

Catwoman #36 Rating: More Caterina Sforza! Less Lucretia Borgia! But even if that doesn't happen, I'm more than happy with this change to the comic book. It's a strange direction to go with Selina Kyle, but why not? It just needs at least one scene between Selina and Batman each issue. Or now, maybe between Batman and Eiko! I hope Batman and Eiko accidentally fuckfight next issue!