Deathstroke #6

Daddy issues strike again!

I'm so glad Deathstroke's daddy finally got out of that hospice bed in Gary, Indiana to make Slade's life a living hell. Remember that issue where we learned the thing that most drives Deathstroke is his need to prove he's better than his abusive father? The cover of that issue said, "In the name of the father...". So even though Slade Wilson is an old man and successful, he's still trying to get his daddy's love. What an asshole. Give it up, Slade. If you ever find yourself chasing your father's love, it means your father never gave a shit about you and it's time to just cut ties. You should never have to fight for a parent's love. If they don't show it, they're worthless. Find a surrogate mother or father if yours is a piece of shit. Or just lose yourself in drugs! But don't embarrass yourself like Slade Wilson is doing.

I hope this issue ends with tears and hugs!

Oh no! Harley has daddy issues too?! Oh wait. Of course she does. I forgot about her ex for a second.

Deathstroke and Harley discover the torn apart body of Possum in the first double splash page of the comic book. Possum is definitely dead this time because his head is detached from his body. And there is no way it's going to start talking even though Harley has squatted down next to it and doesn't finish her sentence about not being easily creeped out. She'll finish that sentence on the next page no problem! It's not like the guy chose the name "Possum" for any particular clue as to his powers!

Dammit! How did I not see this coming?!

After laughing at Harley because she's surprised by the suddenly alive disembodied head and then telling her that his name is Possum for a reason, Slade is surprised by the other parts of Possum which attack him. He thinks, "How can he--? Even my healing factor's not this good." Well, he is named Possum for a reason, Deathstroke! Ha haha ha haaaa haaa!

Slade manages to impale Possum's head on the end of his staff which, I guess, causes Possum's other body parts to back off so that Slade doesn't kill their boss. Although is Possum's head really the boss? I think this is finally the penis's chance to take over once and for all!

Odysseus has taken Rose and Joey Wilson captive although he still doesn't remember his grandson's real name. How long before somebody informs Tony S. Daniel that Jericho's real name is Joey? Maybe draw it up in a two page spread. That should get his attention. Possibly have a fourteen year old girl yelling it?

Odysseus sucks Jericho's soul into his own face while Rose watches her brother being killed. She's so upset that she calls him by his real name! No, just kidding. She still calls him Jericho. But before Jericho can be killed, Deathstroke and Harley Quinn arrive on the scene to save him.

No, wait. It's just a diversion. Sorry, Joseph!

Guess what time it is now, folks?! Second double splash page! In that huge amount of wasted space, Deathstroke kills three of Odysseus's five best soldiers! Too bad to figure out which of his soldiers were the five best, he had all of his soldiers fight to the death. Seems a little shortsighted because now he just has two soldiers in his army of mindless thugs.

Deathstroke Lifetime Kill Count: 937

Why is she so happy about it?

If Batman doesn't show up at some point, I'm going to be severely disappointed. Did he just crawl out from under the rubble of the explosion, wipe off his bat suit, shrug his shoulders and go home? Of course he didn't! He's The Jeezly Crow Batman! He's going to hunt these psychos down and bring them to justice!

I mean, he should do that. But since Tony S. Daniel is writing this, Batman probably won't act like Batman should act. Besides, he's a man! Who wants to bother with drawing more men?! Ugh! David Finch understands.

Odysseus, lying on the ground bloody and wounded and missing the opposite eye of his son, is all, "Wha-wha-what?! But you're dead!" He's confused and on the ground and weaponless so Slade shoots him in the head and ends it.

Ha ha! Just kidding! Tony S. Daniel, remember?! Slade, between panels apparently, gives Odysseus time to stand up and gather his scythes and then Slade charges him with his sword. I guess when you kill your father, you want to be fair about it.

What?! No motherfucking great fishing trips? Just standard, okay, run-of-the-mill fishing trips?! Kill that bastard!

Deathstork Deathstroke basically fought Batman to a standstill last issue. But this issue, he can't even last three poorly choreographed panels against his dad without losing a fucking eye. And the two panels above were the first two! Here's the third:

This is why I hate Narration Boxing. Even while screaming about his eye, Slade is calmly reminiscing about his past.

Slade is obviously thinking about his first blade from dad while screaming about his eye being hacked out because the final two Narration Boxes show how Slade is noticing his father's eyes glowing in the immediate situation. He's also allowing himself to think about the fight after this fight which is a big no-no in contract killing! You concentrate on the opponent in front of you! Only after he's dead do you move on to the next kill! I should know! I once saw a movie about a contract killer!

On the next page, Slade mentions how he's become attached to his new eye and doesn't want to lose it. So he was just overreacting in that last panel. I suppose he could have lost it for a few seconds but then his healing factor kicked in and regrew it.

Some other stuff is happening while Slade and Odysseus battle. Cheshire gets shot in the ass. Jericho gets kidnapped by a Mexican. And Harley Quinn collects a pile of guns from who the fuck knows where so that she can sit on them.

Odysseus doesn't recognize Slade because Slade is now young and Odysseus apparently never looked at his son when he was this age. What father doesn't recognize their own son?! That fucking bastard deserves to die! And that's what he does as Slade impales him on a piece of broken "sky craft." But then Bronze Tiger, who everybody has been ignoring because there were too many characters to deal with during the battle, stabs Slade through the heart with his tiger claws.

Deathstroke Lifetime Kill Count: 938.

Victor the Inquisitor shows up unexpectedly to make a racist statement and then Jericho shouts, "Enough!" Slade blacks out and wakes up naked in a room with Fury, the woman with the second worst mask in comic book history (just after New 52 Raven's) where he gets to Narration Box a bunch of stupid, useless Narration Boxes about agreeing to another mission and things being personal even though his father told him not to let emotion interfere with business. And then the book is over until June where it will continue to be a shitty piece of shit for as long as Tony S. Daniel writes it.

Deathstroke #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. What a bullshit conclusion. You know what my favorite part about the new, young version of Deathstroke is? It's how he has to assure everybody that he's Slade Wilson and nobody believes him anyway. I'm so happy that that's a part of my Deathstroke comic books now! I think it's time for him to just leave the mask on so he doesn't have to keep answering questions regarding his identity. So tiresome! I should also clarify Deathstroke's Kill Count! I added one for killing Odysseus even though Odysseus will eventually be back in a new body. He did take a piece of Joseph's power after all, right? Plus, where the hell was Batman?! Fucking lazy dick.

Deathstroke #5

Is this cover a metaphor for Batman, Deathstroke, and Harley comparing penises?

Last issue ended with Harley Quinn leading Deathstroke into a trap that will not get him killed at all because the trap is Batman and Batman doesn't kill for unknown reasons. I think if Harley really wanted to make Deathstroke pay for the betrayal in Russia, she could have led him into a vat of acid or a pit full of hyenas. Manipulating him into a fight with Batman just seems lazy and manipulative of DC readers' wallets.

After the fight with Batman, Deathstork Deathstroke will probably get back to his regular mission which is to learn the real name of his son Jericho. Hint: it's Joey. Sorry, that was a bad hint because it was actually the answer.

The first thing we learn is that Deathstroke became an absolute moron when he regained his youth.

Of course you're going to run into Batman if you set foot in Gotham! Batman is contractually obligated to take part in any story that takes place in Gotham.

The second thing we learn is that Deathstroke has a filthy mouth as he calls Harley a "$%#!" Yeesh! Even I don't swear like that!

The third thing we learn is that Batman is easily manipulated. If you put a bad guy in front of him, he has to begin throwing punches. That might also be part of his contract.

This issue is called "Battle Royale With Cheese" because it's about French teenagers on an island fighting to the death.

Tony S. Daniel knows he's bad at choreographing a fight scene which the reader can follow so he has Deathstroke explain every move Batman makes through his Narration Boxes. Meanwhile Harley calls the fight like a junior high school ringside announcer except she doesn't call either opponent "gay."

So far, a lot of "blow rolling" has been going down in this fight. Gay.

Deathstroke decides he's getting his ass kicked because he's not used to fighting with two eyes. So Fish up and dig the other one out with a spoon, you coward! Instead, Deathstroke hits Batman with a wall the building apparently didn't need. Then Batman throws some firecrackers in Slade's face because that's totally annoying. Then Slade says, "Maybe I should have mentioned this earlier when you asked me, 'Why are you here?', but if my son is killed while I'm fighting you (which I chose to do by ignoring your question earlier and just attacking you), I'm holding you responsible!" And Batman is all, "Well I'm holding you responsible for my dental bills and my laundry and my tailoring repairs although you did help me...er, Bruce Wayne demolish this building for free that he was going to demolish to make way for a bunch of high rent condominiums, so maybe we're even. Um, Bruce will pay me in weapons and shit cause he's cool like that." And Harley is all, "Stop talking, you butt munches!"

See? Absolute moron. Doesn't even know where the heart is.

Batman isn't very bright either. Why has he been getting tips from Harley? Was their date in New York so successful that he's all turned around on her? She isn't a violent maniac anymore because she kisses so well? I wonder if Batman calls his penis "Little Alfred" since it makes so many decisions in his life?

The fight continues for a few more pages with Batman beating the crap out of Deathstroke and Deathstroke narrating the entire thing so the reader understands why he's losing a battle in his own comic book. "I can't fight with two eyes! I'm too slow! Something about milliseconds! I-Ching is a dick! My face hurts! Joey! I mean, Jericho! Who's Joey? Oh wait! Batman should have killed me right now but he didn't which means the tables are now turned and I will win because I was almost dead but then wasn't which means I'm suddenly back to full strength! A-ha!" And then the building blows up because Harley rigged it with explosive cartoon presents.

She also thought Batman would defeat Deathstroke with one bat, man.

Deatstroke forgives Harley Quinn because he needs somebody to lead him to Jericho even though she previously implied she was hunting Jericho for the bounty on his head. Now she's going to team up with Deathstroke to save him because characters in this comic book can never remember what their motives were from one page to the next.

Meanwhile Rose brings Joey to meet somebody who can help him control his mental powers.

How come everybody calls Joey "Jericho" and Ravager "Rose"? You'd think they'd stay consistent with code names and secret identities. Oh wait. I forgot that Tony S. Daniel doesn't actually know that Jericho's real name is Joseph.

Opossum zaps Joey with the same thing he zapped Slade with in Issue #1 where Joey loses all control of his faculties and begins bleeding out of every visible orifice. And probably the other ones too but let's not think about that, okay? Sorry I even brought it up. Rose attacks Opossum but he blows up into several pieces before she can hack him up into even severaller pieces. Opossum was murdered by Bronze Tiger, Cheshire, and Odysseus's five best followers.

Whoops! I take it back. Oposssum was killed by Odysseus himself. And that must be Cheshire's granddaughter!

I guess Odysseus ultimately didn't trust Cheshire to lead this mission and decided to come himself. He also might have had to come because all of his followers killed each other when they were supposed to determine the five best. It's probably hard to stop at five survivors when you're desperately trying to stay alive.

Deathstroke didn't kill anybody this issue so his Lifetime Kill Count remains at 934.

Deathstroke #5 Rating: No change. This is a decently enjoyable comic book hampered by Tony S. Daniel's lazy writing. He just seems to be filling pages without actively remembering the things he's previously written as he goes along. He wants Deathstroke to fight Batman because that's something fans will love but it doesn't really make much sense. Batman was only there because of a tip from Harley but he gets embroiled in a battle that can easily lead to his death anyway. Why even engage in that confrontation when he can just tail Deathstroke to see what he's up to, especially when his lead came from Harley Quinn? And why is Odysseus now in Gotham when he was sending a team lead by Cheshire last issue? I suppose I have to allow for Harley's changes in motivation since she's a whimsical little pixie murderer. That's supposed to be ambiguous! Anyway, this comic book is doing what you'd expect from a Deathstroke comic book and I'm sure most people, sitting and reading it quickly, don't give a shit about the inconsistencies. Good for you! Enjoy!

Deathstroke #3

So much blood! This issue must be super exciting!

When this series began, Deathstroke's kill count was at 600, give or take a few. Last issue, Deathstroke killed 300 men in one battle. So he's at least up to 900 kills. I'll give him another 30 for issue one even though that's a complete guess. Does that sound about right? So let's keep a Deathstroke kill count going!

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 930

This issue begins with Slade wandering through the snow with no grey hair and two eyes. It's hardly even the same character! Especially the way he stumbles and falls over from exhaustion. Slade can't be defeated by snow! What the hell is wrong with this comic book? I bet Tony S. Daniel is just preparing for a double splash page! Because you know how artists make the big money, right? By selling their original art of double splash pages! Fuck how well it fits into the story, man. Tony S. Daniel has bills to pay!

He could have at least fallen down so I could read the credits.

As he lies unconscious in the snow, he remembers his conversation with Joey when he found him in a force field being manipulated by Odysseus. I get why Joey calls his father Slade but I don't know why Deathstroke keeps thinking of Joey as Jericho. Or boy! Disrespectful!

Slade mentions Rose and I pretend not to flip the fuck out over the convoluted past history of Deathstroke and how in all of the different versions of Slade's New 52 life, only the Team 7 version treated Slade's family as if all three children knew each other. So I guess we're going with that version even though it made no sense at the time as Rose and Joey and Grant all reminisced about eating sandwiches together. Or something.

Hell, I don't think this even squares up with Deathstroke's Villains Month issue and that was just over a year ago.

Slade doesn't remember if he eventually freed Joey...er, I mean, Jericho or not. So Slade picks himself up out of the snow after the nice rest and remembrance to continue heading toward his super duper secret safehouse! It must still be full of weapons and Hot Pockets because even Slade Wilson himself almost died trying to find it! No way Odysseus got to this one!

But maybe Opossum did because he was way more powerful than Deathstroke.

No wait! Tony S Daniel decided Slade needed to have more memories after one more page of walking! He remembers saving his naked son and fighting through more of those Eye People.

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 934

I had to add them to the killcount because he only just remembered them.

While escaping, Joey is forced to use his powers against the scientists trying to restrain him.

Gross! He's naked!

Deathstroke teaches Joey Jericho an important lesson that all fathers should teach their children: "Sometimes we have to do bad things for good reason." Yes, yes! Exactly! Also, I sometimes do good things for bad reasons. Both are generally viable solutions to life's problems.

Joey Jericho and Slade discover Odysseus who is also naked. A lot of naked shit goes down in Deathstroke's memories! Odysseus claims that the three of them together make the most powerful power ever. But before they get the power flowing, does Slade have to get naked as well?

Apparently Odysseus is Deathstroke's father. I guess he died and was reborn with Joey Jericho's help since the last time we saw Slade's dad which was in a hospital bed in Gary, Indiana in Deathstroke #8. Slade hates his father because his father once sold him to pay off a ten thousand dollar debt. There were other reasons he hated him too but that one kind of stands out. Deathstroke has a short conversation with his father before getting in the final word.

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 935

This family really has some serious trust issues.

That's the end of Slade's memory. He makes it to his safehouse and thinks about how he hasn't seen his father since he was twelve. Lies! I read Deathstroke #8 and Slade most certainly saw his father! It's the entire reason Slade Wilson does what he does! To prove his father wrong! It's a stupid reason but it was right there in Deathstroke #8! DC Comics, you suck at reboots. I mean, you're pretty good at rebooting over and over again. But how could you fuck up Deathstroke and his history so badly in the space of three years? Fucking imbeciles. And did you even ask Tony S. Daniel to familiarize himself with the past Deathstroke book? I assume you didn't since why should a writer base anything he's writing on what has actually happened to the character. It's not like the main reason people love comic books is the long history of the characters! Oh wait, you already killed that long history when you began The New 52 anyway. So I guess dumping Deathstroke's history three or four more times since then shouldn't be such a big deal.

But has Tony S. Daniel ever read any story with Deathstroke?! I don't think he knows that Jericho's actual name is Joseph!

The only reason Slade wandered so far out in the snow is to get a hidden satellite phone. But somebody beat him to it! The guy who he trusted completely right up until Red Fury said, "Are you sure you can trust him completely?" And then Slade was all, "You're right! Ew! I hate that guy!" That guy is Bronze Tiger! And they wind up fighting! At least Bronze Tiger doesn't have the head of a tiger like in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That's greeeeeaaaaat!

What does that mean? "Too good for your own sake"? Does it mean he's going to beat himself?! That's pretty good!

Red Fury shows up to put an end to the fight...for now! I don't know where he came from but a VTOL follows after him, so they all load up and head to some cozy chalet to make plans against Odysseus. Who I guess isn't dead even though Slade shot him in the eye. Unless that wasn't Odysseus. It also might not have been his father. Also, Joey Jericho may have been Odysseus.

What makes Red Fury think Jericho is the only one that can kill Odysseus? Doesn't anybody want to see the scientific reasons for this theory? Or are they just going to try again and hope this assumption holds true? I remember earlier this issue when Deathstroke said he doesn't hope!

Red Fury has learned that Joey Jericho is headed to Gotham City. So now it's time for Slade to go battle The Batman! Again! Remember the time they fought early on in The New 52? Of course you don't! Let me remind you: it was a dark and stormy night. Two-Face had just declared that he was One-Face. Some hot piece of ass calling herself The White Rabbit was thonging it up all over Gotham. Batman was flying his Batplane over Gotham Bay when Deathstroke, completely fucked up on Venom for no reason at all, drops out of the sky and onto the Batplane! Holy shitballs, Batman! What a crazy day! They fought then they fell out of the sky then Deathstroke quietly disappeared from Batman's life. Although on revisiting the story, I think maybe The White Rabbit teleported Deathstroke onto the Batplane with her finger guns. That still doesn't explain what Deathstroke was doing there and on Venom.

Anyway, I think Batman is probably too busy to deal with Deathstroke. So somebody else is waiting for him in Gotham.

Oh look! It's a fifteen year old dressed as Harley Quinn. How adorable!

Deathstroke #3 Rating: No change. There are so many things I don't like about this comic book but I can't really fault it too much on starting Deathstroke's history over. I can fault Daniel for the lousy plot but it's really not much worse than most average comic book plots. Maybe it's better but I can't see that it's better because of all that messed up stuff about not having seen his dad even though he did see his dad recently. And why doesn't Slade call his son Joey? Even when he thinks about him, he thinks of him as Jericho. And I hate that they youthed Slade up! Well, at least Daniel's art is nice to look at. It pains me to say that because I tend to concentrate on his flaws and weak points. I suppose if you're new to Deathstroke in The New 52, and you're one of those people that always thought when reading Deathstroke, "This would be more enjoyable if he weren't an old fucking man!", then you'll probably enjoy this comic book a lot. People die and shit, so that's cool, right?

Deathstroke #2

Get it? Deathstroke is missing an eye! Or was missing an eye? I think he's better now that he's in a young body again.

I was wondering what Tony S. Daniel's pitch to DC was for a new Deathstroke series and I think I figured it out. He probably walked into the pitch meeting, set down his Slurpee and Skittles, threw his arms up over his head and said, "Imagine, if you will, Deathstroke the Terminator...as a young man!" He paused for about twenty seconds so that the gasps of his audience wouldn't drown out the rest of his pitch. "DC is into selling comic books, right?" Lots of old gray heads bobbed up and down. After they were all done sucking each others' dicks, they said, "Yes!" Daniel continued: "And, no offense to you old farts running things up here in Paycheck Plaza, but kids don't want to read about old people. That's why Deathstroke failed last time!" One of the braver executives raised her hand and said, "Are you sure it wasn't because we allowed Liefeld to write and draw it?"

"What?! NO!" screamed Daniel as he climbed up onto a swivel chair for effect but realized his swaying and tottering as he tried to keep his balance wasn't inspiring confidence so he climbed back down before continuing. "It is never the writer or the artist's fault! The fault is always in the readers or the editors! The editors should have realized that the kids don't want to read the adventures of an old guy and they should have fixed that! Well, since they're so fucking stupid, I've come along and I've fixed it! Deathstroke shall be made young again! The kids will flock to this comic book once they realize it's not about a sexy hot old lemon party man but about a super sexy hot young stud!" Applause filled the room. Roses were thrown. More dicks were sucked.

And that's why I'm sitting here reading another shitty comic book by Tony S. Daniel!

This issue begins with Slade Wilson discovering his new youth.

Slade counts the rings on his penis to verify his age.

Guess what happens on pages two and three after Slade sees his penis for the first time in years in stereo vision? It's a double splash page! I forgot to predict it but since I've predicted one for every single one of the credit pages in a comic book Tony S. Daniel is drawing and writing, you have to assume the prediction was implied.

Deathstroke pulled two swords out of his ass in order to confront the man that took time to build an arts and crafts Throne of Weapons so he could look cool when Slade finally woke up.

Slade's entire reaction to suddenly waking up youthful is to look at his penis and laugh a lot. And then, it's right back to getting serious and figuring out who his mystery date is. Hopefully we'll revisit the entire suddenly being young thing because that's a major life event! That's a big change! I want a scene with Slade sitting at a bar discussing the ramifications of suddenly being young again. How did it happen? Are there any side effects Slade should be worrying about? Will he be able to find a younger audience? I have a feeling the penis look and the laughter were all we're going to get and that Slade doesn't have any more questions about it.

When the person in the throne doesn't answer Slade's question of "Who the hell are you?", Slade tries to cut his head in half while yelling at him to answer. That makes sense! It's absolutely what a person that thinks of themselves as "a good guy" would do! Totally acceptable to kill a person for not answering you after you've asked them a question one time. So fucking rude to expect a person to repeat themselves.

The person in the chair is a hologram created by the person not in the chair: Red Fury. The only thing I know about Red Fury is that he needs to fire his costume designer.

Was there an edict handed down from up on high in the DC Offices that declared no more billionaires? So now along with Oliver Queen and Bruce Wayne, Slade Wilson is also broke.

It turns out that Red Fury hired Slade Wilson to do a job for him but that job was so super sensitive that even Slade Wilson couldn't know he was doing the job! So Slade Wilson spent a week doing who the fuck knows and now he's got to drink a magic potion to restore his memory so that he can fix whatever went wrong during the time he forgot! I have a feeling the plot is this convoluted because Tony S Daniel doesn't really know what he's doing. So he's throwing all the spy tropes against the wall and he'll just keep the ones that stick over time. All the reader needs to know right now is that some guy named Odysseus is trying to kill Slade and Red Fury, and the only way to stop him is to find a bunch of other mystery people involved in the secret mess that nobody remembers.

"Dur! Stop him what now?"

The next panel shows an army of those guys from the cover charging into the ruins of Deathstroke's headquarters. And when you turn the page, Slade Wilson is in full Deathstroke gear with a couple of rifles blowing the shit out of Eye Men. And that, kids, is why Tony S Daniel sucks at drawing his own shit. He has no idea how to pace a comic book or how to choreograph a fight scene or how to realistically map what's going on in the space within the panels. Where did Deathstroke's outfit come from? Did they just wait until he found it, put it on, and armed himself?

Slade is fighting 300 people which, if he kills them all, will be half as many kills as he's racked up over his entire career! I think Slade low-balled his kill count last issue when he said it was 600. Just that fight on the bullet train when he fought an army of ninjas should have been at least one hundred in just an hour or so!

Slade manages to kill 299 people and survive bringing a mountain down on top of his head. And yet Opossum gave him such a hard time last issue? Opossum must be the biggest bad ass of all the mercenaries ever in the DC Universe! He's my new favorite!

Instead of using the magic potion on himself so that he'll remember what's going on (thus saving Tony S Daniel from having to explain anything! Whew! That was a close one!), Slade makes the last surviving attacker drink it so that he'll tell Slade all about Odysseus.

More like EYEronic, amirite?!

Turns out The League of Assassins, Lady Shiva, and Bronze Tiger are all working for Odysseus. Isn't Ra's al Ghul going to be a little jealous that his people are being used to chase down a hack like Deathstroke?

Bronze Tiger looks a little bit different than he did in Red Hood and the Outlaws which is a good thing. Hopefully he's just a guy that kicks ass now and not a fucking cereal mascot. Who thought it would be a kick ass idea to turn him into an actual tiger?!

Red Fury spoke two sentences to Slade Wilson that threw Slade's one and only trusted associate, Benjamin Williams, under the bus. So guess who Slade trusts more? You got it! The guy he just met in the ridiculous costume! Fuck the guy Slade has been working with for years! Remember in the Swamp Thing Annual how Etrigan tried this trick on Swamp Thing concerning Cappuccino and Swamp Thing knew better than to believe the fucking asshole that didn't mean anything to him? How Swamp Thing continued to trust and believe in the person he'd worked closely with? And he didn't even know Cappuccino for as long as Slade has known Benji! I guess that just shows that Charles Soule is a better writer than Tony S Daniel. Not that there was any doubt of that in anybody's minds!

Slade decides to drink the last of the magic juice so he can remember what happened during that week he forgot about. It turns out the guy he was hunting, Odysseus? It's his son Joseph! Although it's weird that in his memory when Slade comes face to face with him, he calls his son "Jericho." No wonder Joseph hates his father! How cold is that, calling your son by his code name?!

Deathstroke #2 Rating: When last we saw Jericho, he was able to take over people's minds without disappearing inside of them. I guess he retains that ability and is even able to control hundreds of people at a time. Has he taken over the entire League of Assassins? Also I shouldn't say "when last we saw Jericho" since the previous incarnations of Slade Wilson across three very different versions of him in his last New 52 comic series, his portrayal in Team 7, and his completely revamped history in Villains Month Deathstroke #1, it's best to just assume that none of that shit ever happened. Except that time he fought Stillborn! I'm still pretending there is an idiot name Stillborn in the DC Universe. I think his real name was Deadborn but that's just semantics since, based on his origin, Stillborn actually fit better.

Deathstroke #1

I'm already disappointed with this book.

I can't help but feel like I'm going to be reading one of the shittiest books of the New 52 in just a few seconds. And just to put Mr. Daniel at ease, only a small percentage of my doom and gloom attitude comes from knowing that he's writing the book. Also, Mr. Daniel, have you ever thought about just adding an "s" to your last name?

My pessimism lies mostly in what DC Comics did to Deathstroke during his first series. They changed his motivation, over and over again. They changed his family dynamic, and how his family died, and how his children related to one another. What was true in Higgins run was not true in Liefeld's run and changed yet again during Jordan's run. And then, to top it all off, the Villains Month issue rearranged Slade Wilson's life one final time. I guess the best I can hope for is that DC's editorial just told Tony S. Daniel to write Slade however the fuck he wanted to write him, and to just make up an entirely new history for him. Let's all just pretend that the previous versions of Slade were clones from the Marvel Universe and the real Slade Wilson has finally arrived to kick butt and slit throats.

Although I will allow for one story of Deathstroke's to remain canon! That was his appearance in the short lived Green Team. That may have been his best characterization in The New 52. Even his role in Forever Evil didn't make any sense!

Oh, and I hope Mr. Daniel doesn't just steal ideas from the television show Arrow! That's a whole separate universe and that Slade wouldn't work in this universe, okay?! Okay. Let's read this shit.

After page one, a significantly higher portion of my doom and gloom attitude can now be attributed to Tony S. Daniel's writing.

Fuck. I like Deathstroke best when he's an amoral mercenary, taking jobs to earn money and increase his reputation as the greatest killer for hire the DC Universe has ever seen. I don't want to see Slade Wilson as a good guy. Granted, if I respected Mr. Daniel's writing ability (although how can I after what he did to Detective Comics and Hawkman?), I might expect Slade to still do really horrible and reprehensible things while he believes he's acting toward the greater good. But I don't respect Mr. Daniel's writing enough to allow for that possibility. I think he plans on making Slade take jobs where he kills bad people but no evidence will exist that the people he kills are bad. So he'll still have a terrible reputation amongst the heroes that would love to put a stop to him while still feeling his actions are justified in his own mind.

I also predict at least two double-splash page spreads during this issue! It's highly likely I'll see my first one as I turn to page two!

Nope. Just a whole lot more Narration Boxing so that the reader can understand Slade's motivations clearly. Wouldn't want to make up our own minds on what side of the moral line we think he works on. Best to hear it straight from him so we know what we're supposed to think of his actions. He's a good guy!

More explanatory bullshit. Some might use the phrase "setting the stage." But when I go to the theater, I expect the stage to already be set when the curtain opens.

Three pages in and I'm wondering why I'm not playing Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare! Here's what I've learned so far in the most boring manner possible. Deathstroke is the world's deadliest assassin. Slade isn't going to hide from that. Slade loves his job. Dead men don't talk. Slade loves adventure. Slade thinks he's a good guy. Slade has friends all over the world. Slade knows a guy named Tiggs but won't tell anybody, ever, that Tiggs' name is Tiggs. Slade hates technology (although he probably loves weapon technology!). Putin hates Deathstroke. Deathstroke knows a woman in Russian named Angelica. Angelica likes to work hard and party harder. Slade is missing one eye.

That's a lot to have learned in three pages, right?! Sure. But that's what happens when 50% of every panel is composed of Narration Boxes.

And then Pages 4 and 5 have the Double Splash! Oh, I knew Tony S. Daniel couldn't resist a good waste of space during the credits! Although for once, he actually utilizes the space well by placing a number of panels over the top of the double page spread. So technically, it's not a double page splash since he still gets some panels in there to work on the story. But come on! It's still two full pages of a cityscape with Deathstroke jumping across the skyline. I guess he's falling out of a plane?

Is this a Dark Knight Returns homage?

Deathstroke kills a bunch of people and also says, "Location. Location. Location." Just so you know he's heard phrases that are often used as not really funny punchlines but recognizable enough that people think they just heard a joke. He also kills a lot of people at each location. But just so the reader knows he's not killing willy-nilly, Slade lets the last guy go because he's "not on Slade's list."

Here's one of the problems with writing a Deathstroke comic: he's the best at what he does. So it's very difficult to create tension and to find a conflict that truly challenges Deathstroke. It's very similar to the problem writers of Superman face. Now, the weaker writers challenge Superman by having him face a creature that is more powerful than he is. They slug it out for awhile until Superman, having said, "That actually hurt!", barely winds up on top. Deathstroke suffers from the same problem but usually somebody is shooting lots and lots of bullets at him and proves to be quicker in hand to hand combat. So then Slade just has to get a second wind and have enough heart and power his way to victory! Let's hope Slade's problem doesn't have to do with an opponent he can't beat in a fight. Let's hope things get a lot more complicated. I'm trusting you, Tony S Daniel! You pitched this story and it was accepted, so let's hope you didn't just walk into the editor's office and say, "Imagine this! Deathstroke takes an easy job only to find out that the job...is not easy!"

Angelica fell asleep on her George Foreman Grill.

Since I highly doubt the two men that Angelica tortured "literally squealed their hearts out," I'm going to assume the idiom she meant to use just doesn't translate well to English from Russian.

Things quickly fall apart once Slade thinks he has his mark, Opossum, cornered. But Opossum isn't cornered at all! He's just playing cornered! Instead, he has a device that emits a sound that turns Slade into a useless jelly roll. I think Slade must have gotten his super powers in a different manner than the previous ways he got his super powers because now they can be hacked by a loud sound. Which is weird since Slade already mentioned that he hates technology because it is always being hacked by young kids getting paid in weed. He said that. I didn't make that up. And now that Slade is down, he gives up some kind of code to Opossum.

Why is Slade supposedly better than other people when he uses 10% less of his brain activity than we all do? I guess the 10% of the brain Slade doesn't use houses his doubt and self-loathing and constant desire to masturbate.

Slade manages to defeat Opossum by grabbing the blade Opossum is using to cut him up and shove the hilt of it back up through Opossum's head. It makes sense if you ignore the fact Opossum was holding on to the sword and would have needed to slide his hand through the hilt guard to lose that kind of control over it. Otherwise, he might have just banged the hilt up into his cheek or something. You know, at best. But that's okay! I understand from having read Daniel's early Hawkman and Detective Comics issues that Daniel's isn't really very good at telling a story using sequential art. He really does need a writer to get the best work out of him.

Opossum's back-up arrives in a VTOL and bombs the building down to its foundation.

And then it's Double Splash Page #2! Sure, there's a little panel down in the lower right but it doesn't really count.

Deathstork Deathstroke begins to kill every member of Opossum's back-up even thought they aren't on the list. I guess it's okay for Deathstroke to kill people that are actively trying to kill him. Then there's almost a third Double Splash Page! But I can't actually count it because it has six sequential panels along the bottom that continue the story. And that story is that Deathstroke killed everybody but Opossum. Surprise! He wasn't actually dead! Now I wonder where he got his name? From running between people's houses at night hissing like a maniac?

Deathstroke makes his way to some guy named I-Ching who owes him a favor. That's where he collapses with his brains falling out all over the floor. Well shit. Now he's only going to be able to use 80% of his brains.

Sixteen days later, Slade Wilson wakes up in a new body. One with two eyes and black hair and rippling, young muscles, and a tight, unsullied sphincter. Or maybe he's just much younger than he used to be. Who knows? It really just screams of a writer whose pitch for this book was, "Imagine Deathstroke suddenly being totally different without any connection to what made him Deathstroke when the comic book began! Imagine how freeing that would be to me, the writer! No more eye patch! No more old guy! No more family! No more bullshit, fucked up history with three or four different versions. And I'm only counting the versions after the Reboot! Imagine all the money I'll make!"

Deathstroke #1 Rating: Who the fuck knows?! Deathstroke got his ass completely kicked which should never happen except all of those times it always happens because the plot needs some kind of tension. And then Opossum gets his brains knocked out but he regenerates almost immediately and is just fine. So he's got better powers than Slade since Slade got some of his brains knocked out and it took him sixteen days to heal. And he didn't even heal from his own powers, apparently. I think he got dunked in a Lazarus Pit since he was covered in blood. That probably also explains why he's suddenly so much younger. Plus he has an enemy named Odyssey and he has a head that can be tinkered with by radio waves and he has a girlfriend named Angelica that is probably dead because her name isn't Opossum so she doesn't know the "seems dead" trick. I guess I'm starting this comic book in the middle of the rankings. And I guess I'm also starting a tradition of starting all non-Nocenti, non-Lobdell comics in the middle of the rankings!