Batgirl #36

Super flying double punch, BIATCHES!

Dear Diary,
I think I'm going to start calling Dinah "Petty Canary" because she just won't drop the whole "I burnt down all of her stuff" thing! Come on! It's been like a week or something since that happened. And it wasn't like I wanted to burn up all of her clothes. Just most of them! LOL! She dresses like my mom! I've apologized to her like nine thousand times and she's all, "Grump grump grump grump old person old person blah blah blah I love to suck Condor's dick." And then I have to pretend like I couldn't just kick her ass and force her to apologize because we're supposed to be best friends and best friends don't talk about who would win in a fight even though everybody knows it would be me. HELLO! Trained under Batman here! Um, eww, not literally!

Although I did sometimes wind up under Dick while sparring. Mmm. Spandex does not do a good job of concealing boners!

Anyswayze, Black Canary's barely talking to me but I still had to go shopping with her to help her pick up some new clothes. If I didn't go with her, she'd probably come home with a bunch of sweaters with cats on them and fishnet stockings under acid washed Daisy Dukes! And then she'd be all, "Do you think Condom will like this?" (Condom is what I call Condor, Diary! It's like the perfect nickname because his head totally looks like a used scumbag!) And then I'd have to pretend I needed to pee really badly so I could run in the bathroom and laugh my ass off.

If she doesn't start talking to me soon and forgive me, I'm just going to kick her out of my apartment once and for all! Except I'll have to find a way to do it so that she doesn't get mad at me! Don't want my head exploding! LOL!

So later, I met some people on the floor of my new office at Burnside College where I'm totally doing thesis work and brainy crap like that. Gonna rock me a PHD, wut!

This is Jeremy of Groot. He was totally trying to look down my shirt and catch some nip action, the adorable old perv.

My research assistant and room away from room roommate is Nadimah who might think I'm a little bit too touchy and excitable.

I was all, "My life is so over!" And she was all, "I can fix that!" And I was all, "Hallelujah praise Batman! Let me kiss you all over, hot stuff!" And she was all, "It's cool."

So I head over to the Robotics Building to pick up that hard drive from Qadir, Nadimah's adorable little nerdy brother. That's where I discovered my second mystery since moving out of Alysia's Den of Board Games and Sin: The Case of the Missing Super Motorcycles! It took all the willpower I had to override the sugar in my system which really wanted to lean super close to Qadir and say, "This sounds like a job for Batgirl *HUGE MANGA WINK*" Instead I played it cool and was all, "Oh, really? A theft, hunh? Sure hope somebody smart and cute solves that one soon!" Then I swaggered on out of there leaving nerd drool all over the tiles. Probably. I mean, I am pretty hot, coming and going! Especially coming! *HUGE MANGA WINK!*

And then on my way to meet Frankie to recover my computer data, I found a clue to my new mystery!

I think this clue is going to crack the case wide open!

The women riding the stolen bikes were wearing the shortest skirts! They must have some real confidence! Their vadges were one thin piece of fabric away from slopping up the seats of those super bikes! How could they not? If I were out in public in a skirt like that, I'd barely be able to walk from all of the sexual tension building up between my legs. I'd be all, "If I bend over, that cute guy is going to get an eyeful of Bat-muffin!" And then my stomach would feel like it was full of heated charcoal and my whole body would probably shudder as I pictured his stiffening rod as he checked out my beautiful girl package. Whew, Diary. I better change the subject or it's going to be Dear Bathtub Faucet pretty soon here!

So I ran out to confront those skeeves and get Qadir's bikes back and you know what they did, Diary? They tried to floopin' kill me! I'm trying to curse less, Diary, so when I say floopin', you know what I really mean! Hmm, does that make it better? Why not just say fuckin' then? Oh! OH! I know why! I forgot how randy I was from the last paragraph and that word just about set me off again. Boy, I sure wish Dick wasn't dead *HUGE MANGA WINK!* Not that he ever tried anything with me while he wasn't pretend dead anyway, the stupid fool. He could have spelunked every single one of my precious caves!

So since they tried to kill me, I had to bravely retreat in a brave fashion that was super brave.

I was all, "OMG! You sluts know Atomina too?! I used to love that cartoon!"

Atomina was this anime I used to watch when I was a little Batgirl and in one episode, she fought some biker robot bitches named The Jawbreakers. And now I was going to have to battle the real live versions of those cartoon characters! Life in Gotham is weird!

To do some research and maybe find some more clues since my first clue tried to kill me and then got away, I headed over to the Hipster Toy Store, Robot Pony. It's one of those places where they call toys "art" and every toy line is just the same molded plastic shape with different paint jobs. And the clerk there was all, "I'm so into obscure shit! La dee da da da! I never watch the American versions of any Japanese cartoons because the soul has been sucked out of them and they've been watered down to show to children and blah dee blah blah blah I masturbate to Sailor Moon porn." Although he was helpful in pointing me to the two girls who probably stole the bikes, so I should probably be less venomous when writing about him in you, Diary. But he wasn't cute enough to be rude, so screw him and his bow tie.

Anyswayze, long diary entry not as long as I was planning on making it because I hear Mr. Bathtub Faucet calling, I tracked down The Jawbreakers (or The Mouth-Death Twins as they were known in the original Japanese version of Atomina, Science Battle Hero Nuclear! I learned all that from Robot Pony Guy! And I remembered it all because I can't forget anything! Help! LOL!). But I couldn't figure out how to defeat them until I remembered the episode of the cartoon they were in and how Atomina defeated them!

Go go Gadget Gadget!

So of course I caught them, 'natch! Although I crashed the bikes a few times battling The Jawbreakers. Whoops! Anylazy, I can't be held accountable for any damage caused to the bikes while retrieving them! If the bikes were damaged, the guys who built them should have done a better job building them! I learned that from The Batman and his rules about not killing criminals. If they die in the custody of the police or later at the hospital, it wasn't his fault! But get this! There was like a huge M. Night Shamalamadingdang twist to the whole mystery! Turns out...*I* was the villain! Um, don't ask me how! But The Jawbreakers said I called the hit on myself and helped the girls steal the bikes. WHUT?! What kind of dumb fucking insane stupid more-popular-than-she-should-be slut would call out a hit on herself, amirite?

And then later, Frankie met me at school and was all, "So is this guy sitting right here in front of you the guy you said was possible reverse jailbait?" And I was all, "BLUSH! DIE! LIFE OVER!" And that was my week, Diary! Now, you tuck yourself up nice and cozy under the mattress here and don't worry about any weird splashing, moaning sounds you hear coming from the bathroom, okay? Good night!

Batgirl #36 Rating: How cute is this book? So cute! And having not done this in awhile because it was boring but was a decent measure of how much story is packed into each book, I counted the average panels per page on this book. Over nine! Holy fuck! That's a lot of story for your dollar! Pick this book up, nerds!

Worlds' Finest #28

Doesn't this title already exist? Batman Loves Superman? I'm confused. Why was this needed?

I think this is going to be a cross between a Horatio Alger story and an adolescent male porn fantasy. I don't care how scary the shadowy person approaching them is. If I were young Bruce or Dick, that's not what I'd be looking at. Judging by the way Wonder Woman's skirt material is hanging, and her slightly forward leaning posture, they can see everything!

While reading this comic book, I'm going to try not to keep thinking, "I wonder what Helena and Karen are doing right now?"

This issue is called "The Secret History of Superman & Batman, Part Two: Presentiments." It begins with an Oracle on Paradise Island telling Wonder Woman what her agency will be. "You have no motivations or desires, girl! You will save some young boys so that they can save the future, ya git me?" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yes sir! I mean mam! Right away!"

Why are the Amazons so into snakes? ...oh! I get it! Hee hee.

Wonder Woman learns that she gave up any chance to help the world because she fucked a man. But she can still help the world like I said would happen earlier before I even read that that was what was going to happen: she can help protect the males who will be the ones to save the world! That'll teach Wonder Woman to think twice the next time she straddles a sexy man named after a Herman Hesse novel who wields a vibro axe!

And hopefully this will teach all of the young women reading this comic book too! See how having sex with a man can completely destroy your future and invalidate your entire being? So don't do it! Don't fuck men who aren't your dads! I mean, don't fuck your dads either because that's gross. It's also gross that fathers think so often about their daughters fucking guys. That is gross, right? Who looks at a little infant girl and thinks, "Some day, you'll be filled with another man's semen and completely ruined and I'll always look at you differently after that, my sweet, baby girl"? I guess the same types of fathers who look at an infant boy and think, "You'll be tearing up that pussy in no time, big man!"

Hermes heard that Wonder Woman puts out, so he thought it would be a good idea to get naked and kidnap her.

So far, this is way better than a comic book about female friendship! It's teaching women important lessons about keeping their beautiful, pure vaginas safe from the lurid evil of misbegotten men and their slavering penises!

Tornado Lane (remember, she's narrating all of this for some reason!) remembers a time when Bruce remembered a time when he visited the zoo with his father as Frankie Falcone (or one of his thugs, more probably. I can't tell! All the bad guys on Earth-2 look like swingers!) stalked them. I'm not sure how Tornado Lane remembers the part of the remembrance where Frankie was watching from a distance and smoking a cigarette. Maybe that was just part of Batman's description of the memory: "I suppose, judging from how Frankie almost sodomized me in the darkness of that fell bestiary, that he had been lurking around the zoo, behind cotton candy carts, ducking behind ornamental shrubbery, skulking just unseen at the edges of my peripheral vision behind glossy Mylar balloons and screaming children."

Oh, gee. Bats in an early story of Bruce's formative years. How exciting. Also, I don't think I ever used the word 'beautiful' as a child. Or as an adult. Although, if little Bruce here were me, I probably would have described the bats as 'macabre' or 'cutesie wootsie.'

As Thomas and Bruce Wayne exit the darkness, they're set upon by the guy that had been stalking them! Which was probably not Frankie because why would Frankie threaten Bruce and then attack him in broad daylight himself?

But look at the size of this guy's cock! Holy moley!

Meanwhile in Smallville, Clark Kent learns about Stranger Danger when two grown women begin battling over him. Wait. I didn't mean Stranger Danger. I meant boners. He learned about boners.

Now I can't scan any pictures of Clark in this story or you'll be disturbed that I talked about a boy his age getting an erection. Just picture him being about twelve. Although if he was twelve and he was just learning about boners, he might have a deficiency in his Kryptonian Testosterone.

Next, Lois Lane remembers a memory that she can't remember but she remembers she loves flying. So that's probably good enough to explain how her consciousness survives inside of a robot body.

Really though. Was anybody really concerned about the scientific aspects of Lois Lane's ego inside the body of a robot? I mean, we're all comic book readers here, right?

I'm so happy we're learning all the answers nobody was clamoring for to all of the questions that nobody was asking! It isn't a waste of a comic book title at all! Helena and Karen who?!

Wonder Woman saves Clark and then is whisked away by Hermes to save Bruce. What else does she have to do? If she wasn't put on these missions, she'd probably go back to fucking the enemy. But before Wonder Woman arrives, Bruce saves his father from a bullet in the head.

No wonder Bruce was so racked by guilt over his parents' death. He had the capacity to save them within himself the entire time!

So Wonder Woman saves Bruce as well. But this is the secret history of Bruce and Clark! So that means that Bruce and Clark must forget what just happened! And they do! But Lois Lane remembers because fuck you.

Worlds' Finest #28 Rating: DC Comics ruined this comic book. Fuck Batman and Superman. They have plenty of titles between them. And fuck this "secret history" bullshit! We don't need retcons or additions to origin stories that we already know backwards and forwards. Especially origin stories of the Earth-2 versions of these characters! You know what? I can't believe I'm going to say this but you know what? I'd rather read Aquaman and the Others!

Batman #36

Superman's squishing grapes again?

Superman may like to believe that he'd never knowingly do anybody any harm but he's losing control of his faculties far too often for anybody on Earth to be comfortable. At this point, I think I finally have to side with everybody who fears Superman will become a menace. Because he keeps becoming a menace! He's getting mind controlled and he's getting Doomsday Herpes and he's getting poisoned by The Joker. He really needs to agree to a lead lined tooth containing a shard of Kryptonite which Batman can blow at any moment, shooting the Kryptonite up into Superman's brain and killing him instantly. Because this whole Superman going on a rampage but it isn't his fault shit that keeps going down? Unacceptable!

Speaking of people killing people but evading punishment, remember when Lois Lane helped kill all of those people in the Doomed story? Why hasn't she gone on trial? Why hasn't she paid for being part of that catastrophe?

Last issue, Batman was battling his friends because The Joker put his dick in their potato salad. That's his calling card! Well, that and Joker Gas. You don't often see him put his dick in the potato salad though because DC doesn't have any ratings that allow for on-panel penis pictures. Just imagine a big white cock with the foreskin cut off but stapled back onto it so his peehole is now an exaggerated grimace of its former self. Now imagine The Joker lost his foreskin and The Joker's Daughter is wearing it as a merkin.

Currently The Batman is getting his ass kicked by Superman because no matter how many fanboys say that The Batman can beat Superman, none of them actually believe it. At least, not if it were real. They're all just cynical bastards that know Batman is DC's love child and he'll win every fight forever.

Aren't they heavy?

Scott Snyder writes some good shit when he's equating Gotham City to a cheating spouse and making Batman cry streams of tears all over his suddenly flaccid batcock. But he doesn't write "weapons that will bring down Superman" very well. Or very differently, I guess. I suppose he was sick of Kryptonite everythings to take down Superman, so now Snyder creates Red Sun everythings to bring Clark down. Because didn't General Lane use some kind of Red Sun Bullets against Supes in Superman Unchained? And now these ridiculous Mini-Red Suns that aren't big dense gravitational wells of suck? I suppose Ray Palmer did something so scientific to them that it might as well be magic (but with the added bonus that it doesn't have a detrimental cost to your soul!).

What I'm trying to say is this: I guess Batman can beat Superman if he's going to fucking cheat, the cheater. Mini-red suns! What's Scott Snyder trying to do? Drop Batman's rank beneath Jeff Lemire's Justice League United? Don't think I won't do it, sir!

How the fuck did Batman and Ray Palmer discover the technology in the last five years (giving the benefit of the doubt that they started quite early in their super heroing careers) to travel across the galaxy collecting red suns?! And how did they do it without Superman looking over side-eyed and saying, "Whatcha doin with all them red suns, guys?" And isn't a little irresponsible to leave red sun pods lying around the house where a child or his dog or his cat or his cow could find and eat them because they look like candy? Bruce is lucky Damian didn't die! I mean, in that manner.

But are you prepared for his super fart?

Nobody is prepared for Superman's super fart because nobody but Wonder Woman knows it exists (and she only recently learned of it when he dutch ovened her). Superman always excuses himself from the satellite when he has to pass gas and then aims his ass out of the solar system on the Y axis so it doesn't orbit the movement of the other planets. And every time he does it, some other great civilization light years and millennia away will someday ponder the source of the Great Gamma Ray Expulsions.

Last issue I pointed out that Batman beat Aquaman with gum. Well, guess what?

Guess who's going to get mouth cancer?!

I hope Krypto and Titus fight next!

The Justice League wind up in ARGUS to have the Joker Toxin removed from their systems over the next few days. Boy are they going to be embarrassed when they find out Batman really can beat all of them all by himself! They'll probably blame Aquaman.

While they're recovering, Batman figures he should probably find and stop The Joker as quickly as possible. Will he tell the Bat-family about it? If all this takes place after Batman Eternal, where is Damian? Does the return of Damian story just kind of take place immediately after it finishes and then all the other stories will suddenly begin including Damian?

What if Damian never actually comes back?! What if Batman should finally just say, "Fuck it. I'll just get a new one! I've done it before!" The next time he picks a Robin, he should pick one with super powers! Like invulnerability or immortality!

Since Alfred is still sore from having to appear in a comic book every week as opposed to his usual monthly schedule, his daughter Julia decides to help Batman catch The Joker. I hope he warns her to duck the crowbar.

Fremeses!

Batman decides to look for clues and the only place he knows to look for them is in The Joker's old cell in Arkham. Which isn't a pile of rubble, so I guess the building just collapses into a crater and mostly stayed intact. So now it's Arkham Dungeon. The Joker's usual cell is 0801 which Batman notes is the eighth and first letter of the alphabet (let me help you out: HA). I thought it was O BOI! Or Lobo backwards! I guess that's why I'm not the World's Greatest Detective!

Batman has such a hard time finding clues that The Joker...I mean, Eric Border, Night Nurse, comes along to help him find some. And the clue is...Eric Border is the clue! And the mystery! And the solution! Surprise! He's The Joker! And he has a new face somehow!

I hope the fact that he has his old face means he killed The Joker's Daughter! Not that I inherently dislike The Joker's Daughter. But once you steep in Ann Nocenti's stink for long enough, there's just no getting it out.

The Joker tells Batman (who is now paralyzed by Joker Toxins) a really funny punchline but not much of a joke. The punchline is that everybody in Gotham is going to die. Maybe it isn't a joke. The last time I heard that punchline, it was at the end of a riddle.

The back-up story is more of that intellectual stuff that I totally understand. I know it's intellectual because I don't understand it. I mean, I realize other people don't understand it. But not me! No siree! I totally get what's going on and how it all weaves into the main story! So obvious! But it's better that you figure it out for yourself. You'll feel real proud when you finally work it all out. Don't be ashamed if you never do because you're just not as good at reading comic books as I am. But then, who is, really?

Batman #36 Rating: That red sun knuckle thing was almost a disaster! But that Joker stuff was creepy. Plus he has a new face. And Greg Capullo draws a good looking Bruce Wayne. So this book is still one of DC's best even though I hate giving Batman that kind of credit. It goes straight to his stupid bat ears.

Constantine #19

Remember when Alan Dean Foster wasn't writing novels based on movies and was writing those Spellsinger books? No? Nobody?

I hate my stupid self from last month, writing about my feline friend Judas! Because Constantine #18 was the last commentary I wrote while Judas was still alive and next on my stack is Batman which is the first commentary I wrote after he died. I need to find a box of tissues before I reread my Batman commentary after this! Maybe I'll just leave that one unedited! I think it's too soon for me to reread what I wrote! Writing is stupid! Our feelings weren't meant to be remembered! They're meant to get past and then bottled up and then repressed and then never thought about again while we play golf or video games or gamble or drink or have sex with dangerously strange strangers! I'm using lots of exclamation points because I'm nervous about revisiting the experience! Help!

Constantine is currently on Earth-2 where cats live forever and only people die. Lots and lots of people die! All the time! Currently, Constantine is trying not to die at all. Not even a little bit even! He's just trying to find himself. Ha ha! That's a good joke. Probably the only joke on Earth-2 since the laughter died years ago. Unless the laughter was just locked in a stasis chamber and only died recently when Replacement Batman shot it in the face.

I'm not even on an alternate Earth dealing with alternate people and I still think like this.

Constantine says something about being "wood friendly" but I refuse to scan that panel because I'm not an immature asshole that giggles at erection innuendos. I'm starting to think that I only ever enjoyed John Constantine when he was swearing because this book has been a huge let down for quite awhile. And the television show is a bit of a snoozefest. It reminds me of the first season of The X-files in that the stories are fairly one dimensional and a bit unimpressive. The huge difference though is that The X-files had two characters with great chemistry and an obvious connection right from the outset. Mulder was a believer in conspiracies and aliens while Scully was the rational half. Scully was a believer in God and the afterlife while Mulder was the spiritual skeptic. Mulder had a huge phone while Scully had huge shoulder pads. Mulder had a penis; Scully had a vagina. They just completed each other! Constantine has a hallucinating street urchin and an immortal cab driver. That sounds more entertaining than it's been so far!

As John tries to get to Liverpool to find John-2, his car is hit by a meteor and he loses consciousness. But before he succumbs to a succumbubus, Doctor Fate speaks to him from the great somewhere else and says, "John! John! I can see your house from here!"

Well, you see, Doctor Fate is flying so high that he can look through the dimensional bar...oh, never mind!

Continuing to Liverpool, John finds a car that passed him earlier with a child and her parents. The parents are still in the car but their brains are not still in them. But the girl is missing. And even though she's not real, he gets out to look for her anyway. Because he doesn't want to succumb to the succumbubus! He wants to care! He wants to feeeeeeel!

That was a cheery side trip!

John eventually makes it to Liverpool where he finds his old house (not burned down years ago!) and he finds his old self (I mean his duplicate John-2 self!) and he finds his old friend Chaz (I think!) and he finds his old father, Dad (alive!)

And, well, that's it. It was a story about a journey! A journey home! That's the most important kind of journey because it's always so disappointing. I haven't been back to my home town in about four years because it's just so depressing to go back. I always think of that song by Poe, "Spanish Doll," and the lines, "This place feels so unfamiliar yet I know it well. I think I used to belong here...". And so on! It wrecks me every time.

Actually, I really don't know what that story was about. Not giving up? Not being taken by the succumbubus? Running out of cigarettes?

Constantine #19 Rating: This comic doesn't fascinate or intrigue me like it should. It should intrigue me like the following bit of prose by Alan Moore (from the September 1984 "Meanwhile...") intrigues me:

This is the place.

This is the place where even the brave men with pig-iron in their hearts ran out of steam, and nerve, and concrete, saying "this far we go. No further." The last outpost of the Jurassic, where the anemic rocks still ring with the death-shrieks of the mastodons. This is the edge of the twentieth century.

It was here that the Emperor Napoleon faltered and lost faith with the New World. He sold it to Thomas Jefferson, 909,130 square miles of it, for fifteen million dollars, and the United States doubled in size overnight. But there are certain territories which, though they may be sold, can never truly be owned. There are certain territories that are the property of something older than ourselves.

Berries the color of iodine glisten amongst the viscous shadows. Insects of poisonous beauty couple in the damp, rot-scented air. Louisiana swelters beneath an icebound moon.

This is the place.

The elements blur together dangerously here: solid land dissolves away to water; water thickens to mud and then to firm earth. The inviting meadow of hyacinths will part if stepped upon, allowing access to the deep and stagnant darknesses beneath. The waters rise, establishing a slime-line on the bolls of the closest trees. The waters drop. Divorced from the ocean and its implacable schedule, the tides here are alien and glacially slow. Fresh mudbanks erupt from nowhere, brown and glistening. They remain for a week and then melt, sliding away to blossom elsewhere. The waters rise. The waters drop. The Swamp is breathing, in great, humid lungfuls.

Lovers came here once, in white clothes that became streaked with green. After an hour they went away again to lead largely happy lives, leaving crushed fern, crumpled tissues, and one third of a bottle of Sangria. The Swamp devoured it, without haste.

Two men with eyes as dull and flat as nail-heads came, leaving behind them five cases of whiskey and one dead man. The whiskey they returned for after a fortnight. This was long ago. Nobody ever found out.

And there was a teenage girl who also came, her despair so fierce and black that the midges would not gather to her. The shopping bag in her hand contained something small and cold and still and a stone to weight it down with. Her heart contained the same things, but after a different fashion. The first she let slip beneath the iridescent scum. The second she took away and carried with her always.

The Swamp devoured them, devoured them all, without haste, without discrimination.

This is the place.

Justice League United #6

Supergirl cannot exist as a Lego character because Lego people do not have bums.

Why won't my stupid fucking laptop stay fucking connected to this fucking bullshit Xfinity piece of motherfucking shit fucking fuck fucked up fucking Gateway?! fuck fuck FUCK (I need a font that has an intermediary look between small letters and capital letters for that middle fuck!)! Fuck you, Comcast! Can you send a representative around to my place so I can punch that representative square in the throat? Now that would be some customer service!

And fuck all you pretentious assholes who wish I would swear more creatively! Shove a fucking fuck right up your fuck hole! Fuck is perfectly adequate in expressing blind rage! I'm not doing this to entertain your ivory tower sensibilities and Shakespearean wet dreams. If you want creative swearing, go read a sailor's blog! Or some holier than thou nitwit's self-induced spoogefest of a webpage who believes that anyone who constantly uses 'fuck' instead of making up something like 'dickclitoris!' whenever they stub their toe is a complete and utter cumdragon. Eat my ass vagina, you cock-mackerel!

Now I'm in the right mood to read Jeff Lemire's attempt at the worst story he's ever written!

By the lopped off foreskin of a half-Jewish sorcerer! He's already hitting puberty!

While Equinox babysits Ace Ultra (who should be old enough to take care of himself in a few hours), Justice League United and the Legion of Super-heroes battle Byth's super-mercenaries (The Cadre) up on the surface. And since Supergirl is on Earth and in the fight, some stuff must have happened between the end of the Annual and the beginning of this issue. Either the story has jumped ahead or I suffered a serious head injury since reading the Annual.

The Cadre are missing two members: Crowbar and Fastball. Crowbar was last seen in Vibe where I mistook him for a new creation by Sterling Gates but Sterling Gates left a comment saying, "No, you tightly puckered pig's anus. After careful consideration and due diligence unless I mean proper research, I selected Crowbar, a well-established character in DC's canon, for this pivotal scene. You gay retarded monkey blister." I was surprised that a well-established, popular creator with such a fantastic first name would use a phrase like "gay retarded monkey blister." He probably should have just went with "you fucking fuckity fuck." It is possible, although quite unlikely, that I'm remembering the quote incorrectly. Another possibility is that I just made the whole thing up and am pretending to have gotten the quote wrong to distance myself from the creation of the insult "gay retarded monkey blister."

The members The Cadre isn't missing are Overmaster, Shatterfist, Black Mass, Nightfall, and Shrike. I guess Overmaster is a middle management asshole that micromanages The Cadre; Shatterfist relies on a very specific form of martial artists that only works against people making fists (which he shatters); Black Mass is a satanist; Nightfall is the elf I fantasized about the most; and a Shrike is a shitty tricycle. Together, they form a team that will probably get its ass kicked by the Justice League United and the Legion of Super-heroes.

See?! What is Supergirl doing there? Maybe it's an after image created by the Zeta Beam technology being so closely tied to her vagina.

FWAAASH!

See? There it goes again!

While Supergirl freaks out in the snows of Moosonee, Canada, Supergirl battles Byth far out in the Polaris System.

I'm fairly certain that's racist! Unless what Byth is doing is encouraging Rape Culture. Whatever is going on, I'm certain that something here is problematic!

Calling everything problematic is like the Biblical story of Chicken Little who cried wolf. It's why so many people have a problem with deconstruction. Because the tool is overused. It's like using a chainsaw to accomplish everything in your life. Sometimes you don't need to butter your bread while also cutting the table in half and losing a leg. Sometimes!

Justice League United Space Division is in the Polaris System to recover Hawkman. But he doesn't seem to want to be recovered.

Kicking somebody in the face is my go to way to convince them that I'm their friend.

Like an overpaid soccer player, Courtney takes a tiny hit and falls to the ground screaming bloody murder. Buddy turns into Sabretooth and rips apart some space cult guys before hiding his wedding ring and going back to check on Stargirl.

Back on Earth, Martian Manhunter and the others learn that Black Mass can teleport (not from Brainiac 5 who is spouting data about their enemies left and right and probably center but from Black Mass himself) when he teleports to get his hands on Equinox and Ace Ultra. Level 12 intelligence my ass!

Seriously. My ass is way smarter than Brainiac 5.

Black Mass teleports his victims to the Polaris System and then teleports Supergirl back to Moosonee. Except he must overshoot because she arrives back on page three! I guess.

Once Ace Ultra winds up on Polaris, he stares up into the weird space anomaly thing that's been anomalying in the background for a few pages. And then lots of yellow space demons come out of it and try to end the universe! Or begin the universe. One of those. I suppose the only difference between the two is the current viewer's perspective.

No surprise, Sardath can't get his Zeta Beam working because Supergirl's vagina is still shaken up from Black Mass teleporting her across the galaxy. So Brainiac 5 calls in Legion's back-up squad.

Fucking really? These guys didn't stop existing after Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell sodomized them for a full year and a half?

Legion Lost returning just brings up too many questions that nobody is going to answer for me. Like why the fuck was time travel outlawed after Flashpoint and then subsequently ignored by all of the shittiest writers at DC during that time (you know which ones I'm talking about! I just named them in that previous caption! Morrison also wrote a story with the main three Legionnaires visiting Superboy, so fuck Morrison as well!)? Legion Lost could have returned home at any time! Because look at what's happening here! Brainiac 5 and friends have traveled back in time? Too bad they didn't think to travel back to page one of issue one of Legion Lost to rescue their friends from the severe butt beating they wound up taking in that thing once DeFalco took over.

Justice League United #6 Rating: Look. I get that time travel sparks lots of ideas in imaginative and creative writers. But it also sparks lots of cop outs and plot contrivances and illusory motivations in the worst comic book writers. And it just completely screws up everything because nearly nobody can do time travel stories well. DC Comics, you fucked up huge when you lifted the ban on time travel because no editor wanted to tell Scott Lobdell the simple truth: characters from alternate time lines coming back to the past are breaking the fucking time travel policy! I'm sure Scott whined and pleaded and acted very smarmy when he pointed out that it's an alternate timeline where Flashpoint didn't happen so they still have time travel. You answer that by hitting him in the face with a rolled up newspaper and shouting, "NO! WRONG!" You don't roll over and say, "You're a genius, Mister Scott Lobdell!" Because that's both a lie and a huge lie. Fuck you for losing control of your New 52 universe not even one year into it, you stupid fucking assholes. I hate you, DC Comics. And you too, Jeff Lemire, for taking part in it! I thought you were my friend! I thought you were a good bet! Your name on the cover of a comic book meant something! Well, no more, sir! NO MORE!

Green Lantern Corps #36

I got this Lego Character for my collection and it managed to get half of the other characters killed while accidentally destroying all of my sets!

The Green Lantern Corps should shut down their operations for a few months and just observe the universe for a bit. You know, to really see if they're needed. So far, the only cosmic crises they've dealt with were caused by themselves or the fact that they exist. So they battled Volthoom who they couldn't bear to kill because he was the first Lantern and a historical artifact. They battled the Third Army which were created by the Guardians of the Universe to make the universe easier to take care of. They battled Relic who was trying to destroy them because they keep using their rings. And now they're battling Highfather who only wants the rings for his own selfish purposes. I think if you take the Green Lanterns out of the equation when looking at all the cosmic crises that they've been through, then the cosmic crises never happen at all. Perhaps it's time to hang up the rings for awhile, guys. Except that might be the biggest battle of all! Trying to convince a bunch of the most stubborn people in the universe that they're not actually helping.

Currently the Green Lantern Corps and several of their friends are vacationing on Qward. Or is it in Qward? Now maybe if they just stay there and ignore the New Gods, everything will settle down and it'll all go back to normal once Highfather realizes that Kyle Rayner, Comic Book Artist, is the only fucking dope in the Universe that can handle the White Ring. I mean, he's the only fucking dope that wasn't resurrected by the ring that can handle the ring. The same ability that allows a comic book artist to believe he's doing awesome work when he draws a woman with her ass and her breasts facing the reader at the same time must be the same ability that allows a person to master the White Ring.

One of the Bohemian Guardians suggests that to defeat the New Gods, they'll need every color of the spectrum. He stole that idea from my conclusion to last issue's commentary, the little thief! Also, it's the only conclusion Lanterns can come to. That's why Hal ran off to recruit the Black Lanterns and now John has decided to fetch a few Star Sapphires. Nobody seems to care about finding an Orange Lantern though.

Soranik has a right to be concerned! John leaves a trail of dead friends wherever he goes!

Soranik shouldn't worry so much. The Star Sapphires are already losing dozens of their members to whatever New God is attacking Zamaron. The one with the skull faced helmet and the bow. But a bunch of swords infused with White Light wielded by John and his small team which includes Kilowog, the Weaponer of Qward, an Indigo Eagle for teleportation, and a Green Lantern that's just a massive eyeball with tentacles (because the team needs a Red Shirt on it) arrive to save the day. Or at least offer a path to retreat back to Qward. Once there, they can sit around for a bunch of issues gathering Lanterns of different colors before assaulting High Father and finally winning the day, for some reason. That reason will probably be because the Lanterns understand emotions and we humans think emotions make us powerful and not weak like they really do.

Don't tell that to Ollie! He uses his bow in close combat constantly!

Stewart and his team and the Sapphires put up a less horrible fight than the previous Lanterns have put up against the New Gods. But they're still defeated. The Tentacled Eyeball is captured and the rest of the Lanterns trapped beneath an unbreakable net. Or is it truly unbreakable?! It has not yet been tested against the Power of Love! That's almost as powerful as the Heart of Rock and Roll.

Guy's never going to let John hear the end of this one.

John's love tethers him to the rest of the Corps and he breaks everybody free from the prison to take them back to Qward. Except for Penelops the Tentacled Eye Lantern. He's just too icky.

Green Lantern Corps #36 Rating: I'm sure there's probably something intellectual to say about the theme of love in this issue and the breaking of traditional gender roles and the courage of sacrifice and the humility of trust but I can't come up with any of it because John looked fabulous! I hope they come out with a John Stewart, Star Sapphire, action figure at some point. I like how it looks slightly as if he's in the ballet. Although I'd have given it more feminine touches than it has. It's a bit too similar to his usual Green Lantern outfit. And for a ring that's never had to concern itself with male versus female fashions, I would expect it to continue to create outfits it's used to, ones with a bit more flair and flamboyance, not to mention low cut shirts and bare midriffs and naked legs and thong behinds.

World's End #6

Darn! I thought the best way to beat famine was to get all of the starving families together and run some place else! No Nobel Prize for me this year!

Surprisingly, Daniel H. Wilson did not contact me to tell me what his long term goals for this comic book are. That's a shocker since I'm sure he reads my blog and could not have possibly missed my invitation to spill all of his secrets to me. Doesn't he know I can totally keep a secret?! Maybe it's a good thing he didn't confide in me or my World's End commentaries would be 80% "Oh my god, I know what's going to happen next!" instead of 80% "I wonder if Replacement Batman has ever masturbated while driving the Batmobile?"

Why does Famine have to be drawn with chocolate all over face? Somebody should watch every movie ever made in the last thirty years to find out when the trend to have a fat person that was constantly eating as one of the friends stopped. Has it stopped? Is that still a constant joke, to have a fat person always shoving food in their face? I know that "joke" hasn't stopped in comic books! I don't really mind. It's always funny to see a fat person eating food! I also always laugh when they show skinny people not eating food. "Ha ha! Look at how that person is way too skinny because they don't have a candy bar in one hand and melted chocolate smeared all over their face and hands!"
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You know who is way too skinny? The entire female cast of Arrow. What the fuck is going on in that show? Do they have catering? All the women look like pumpkins wearing wigs which have been stuck on the ends of brooms. How do they keep their heads up?! I think Draper's niece was the only regular female cast member that didn't make me concerned for her neck. Thea, Moira, Laurel, Amanda, Felicity (although maybe her body is okay but I think she still has a big head, so it's hard to tell!)...they're all skinny in the way that husbands in sitcoms are fat. I'm not skinny shaming! I'm genuinely concerned! Somebody hire Carl's Jr. to cater that show!

Wait. Maybe not Carl's Jr. They'll probably force the female cast to wear bikinis and lie spreadeagled on the hoods of cars while they eat their food.

Anyway, even if I was skinny shaming, calm down! At least you're skinny! That's not really a bad thing! Unless it's caused by famine and you're too weak to run away from famine.

Okay! That puts me back on track! Time to read the comic book!

Three things you can't run from: The Flash, fate, and famine!

Doctor Fate should cast a spell that causes a letter to drop off from the end of a person's name. Then he'd become Doctor Fat which would counteract Famine's power!

Meanwhile, Aquawoman summons Azathoth (who still might be Earth-2 Starro!) to come forward and destroy the world. So this has now become H.P. Lovecraft fanfiction? As if DC didn't have enough mythology for Daniel H. Wilson? Now he's got to bring in the Great Old Ones? Because if they exist in this universe, why the fuck is everybody afraid of Darkseid? Fuck Darkseid! Somebody stop Aquawoman!

Beneath the firepit in Geneva, Replacement Batman and his troupe find the sprawling infrastructure for the first step in turning Earth into a new Apokolips. They also find dozens of Superman clones. According to some comic book (perhaps Darkseid's Villains Month comic book?), Darkseid has a major obsession with collecting Supermen.

The worst part about this book is how it jumps from page to page with little to no real revelations. I suppose this allows the comic book to maintain a feeling that all of the plots are happening simultaneously but it really makes it difficult for me to comment on any of it. And all I really care about is how it affects me. Unless it effects me? Maybe both? Fuck you, English. We might as well have the words 'iffects' and 'uffects' as well, and give them barely perceptible differences in usage as well! From now on, I'm just going to use 'yffects' in place of both 'affects' and 'effects' and the reader can fucking figure out what I mean from context. You know, if they care. Most of my readers probably type "loose" for "lose" anyway, so I shouldn't have even brought it up. Or, so you "loose" for "lose" types can understand me morer betterer, "I probably shouldn't of even brought it up." *shudder*

So there's a page where Desaad makes The Huntress cry because he's going to change her name. And then Solomon Grumpy teases Queen Lantern about Alan's dead lover. And then in Chicago on the next episode of "Mom Cop" starring Babs and Dick something truly magical finally happens! I am taking liberties with the phrase "truly magical," by the way.

And he seems a bit on the upper side of middle-aged, so all of you Yolanda Montez fans shouldn't be too concerned. I'm sure Wildcat will throw his life away to save somebody in the weeks to come so he can be replaced by her.

Meanwhile, Famine has moved on to attack Amazonia and the World Government Headquarters. This causes the assault on Apokolips to be moved up from 24 hours to right fucking now! As Mister Miracle activates his Mother Box to BOOM Tube them to Sloan's deadly assault ship filled with Mister Terrific God Slaughter Balls, Jimmy Olsen begins having problems with his Mother Box. I don't know exactly what those problems are because nobody Narration Boxed the scene for me and the art just looks like Jimmy got his dick caught in it.

I think the phrase "curiosity killed the cat" should be changed to "curiosity got the teenager's dick stuck in that thing."

Down in the Geneva Firepit (which is now "the Labyrinths of Desaad") Val-el destroys Replacement Batman's Earth-2 Viagra. So he's not only a pacifist, he's a prude and a teetotaler as well! That's three strikes against him because everybody knows that the most entertaining people are drunk, violent sex addicts. Especially in comic books. Or maybe just in comic books? Because while I definitely want to read comic books about drunk, violent sex addicts (and do! That's like half of DC's comic books!), that sounds like the worst roommate ever.

Finally in China, Solomon Grumpy and Queen Lantern meet the Avatar of the White: Alan Scott's dead fiance, Sam.

He's white because he's frozen from two years in a fridge.

Oh no. Reign of the super-clones? When did The New 52 become a series of moments that were basically the writers whispering to the fans, "Hey! Hey! Remember when we did this story twenty years ago?" Oh, that's right. From the very start. Leave the clones to Marvel, guys! That's their thing! Your thing is rebooting the world every fifteen to twenty years!

World's End #6 Rating: Just end the world already! But then turn Earth-2 into a weekly book that follows the adventures of the Earth-2 heroes wherever they now live. But, you know, just keep it a normal book that follows the adventures of different heroes each week.