Wonder Woman #34

Seriously, DC Comics? This is the worst Monster Month Variant yet! Misogyny!

Wonder Woman's monthly is late! I blame Cliff Chiang! But who can stay mad at Cliff Chiang? He can take as much time as needed so I don't have to look at Goran Sudzuka's sub-par imitations of his work!

Now I feel bad because Goran Sudzuka's work is anything but sub-par, especially when Goran is trying to maintain the look of this comic book. I, for one, appreciate when an artist decides that the consistent look of a book is worth more than their individuality. Tony Akins should be commended as well on his work on this book. Cliff Chiang brought a truly distinct look to this comic book that modern readers don't see very often and I loved it from the first cover of Issue #1. And I've probably shoved my tongue up Chiang's ass on dozens of occasions, so let me give some of that tongue love to Goran Sudzuka and Tony Akins now. Thank you for maintaining the look on this book and trying your best to rival Cliff Chiang's cocky-ass work. All the artists on this book have just done a great job. I figure I should say that now before the book takes a huge nose dive into Shitsville (I think that's a trademark of Zynga) with the upcoming change in creators.

I should probably also thank the editors because I'm sure they had a hand in maintaining the consistently beautiful look of this comic book but fuck them. They're editors! Editors are the worst!

This is what was happening when the last issue left off two or three months ago.

Wonder Woman has been stabbed in the kidney up on Mount Olympus with the only person left to help her being Strife. So she's fucked. Except her name is on the cover of the comic book, so it'll probably all work out. Although Diana would probably be better off dying than being drawn by David Finch. Every time I read it, I'm going to be wondering, "Is this Wonder Girl? Why is Wonder Girl in this? What happened to Wonder Woman?!"

Zola is still trying to protect Zeke because she's the only one that didn't immediately realize Zeke was Zeus.

Hera is no longer pouting because her immortality was returned to her when Apollo was killed. Now she's back to not caring about anything but herself.

And Strife is celebrating because Wonder Woman has failed. But Wonder Woman has a plan to shit all over that party.

I guess Strife is hardwired to prevent peace. Gods tend to have less free will than mortals. That's what happens when your name is also your job and your motive for everything you do.

Wesley Willis still hasn't saved everybody but I'm sure it's coming soon.

Oh shit! Look at that! He was just two pages away!

Have I mentioned I've seen Wesley Willis perform before? Of course I have! Why wouldn't I have mentioned that every time he appeared in this comic book! And also in my commentary for Grifter #1 where I wrote my own Wesley Willis song! And every time I meet a person for the first time, I say, "Hello, asshole. I am Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. I once saw Wesley Willis perform in a small club in Portland, Oregon. He sang about his roommate fucking him in the ass. I did not head butt him at all."

Wesley only saves Orion and Moon for now. He also mentions how he's going to whoop The First Born's ass like Saddam Hussein. I really wish he would have said he'd whoop The First Born's ass like he whooped Batman's ass.

Strife brings Diana back to Paradise Island where the whole gang can be reunited. Also where Diana almost calls Strife a bitch so that long time Wonder Woman fans can gasp in horror. You know, if any are even left after Issue #7.

Throughout this series, Strife and Wonder Woman have constantly been at each others' throats. I'm pleased that Hippolyta says, "It's in strife that Amazon mettle is honed." It shows that Strife always had her proper place in Wonder Woman's group even though she was so antagonistic towards them. And Strife always seemed to help out even when she was trying to undercut their plans.

Thank the New Gods for their miracle New God technology that falls from BOOM Tubes at just the right moment! Somebody should think up a clever way to say that!

Hephaestus and Dio arrive on the backs of steampunk, two-tusked mûmakil. Oh, maybe they're just elephants! But elephants with flails on their trunks! And Gatling guns for tusks! And lasers for buttholes! But that's just the final battle against The First Born and that's less important than what's happening with Zola and Zeke.

Cassandra has gone after Zola and Zeke because she didn't realize that Hera was actually going to form some kind of attachment to the woman and her child. Hera protects Zola from Cassandra long enough for Diana to arrive in time to protect Cassandra from Hera. And then it's off to Olympus to fulfill the prophecy Apollo's back-up singers prophesied way back in the first issue. And maybe also First Born #1?

Once in Olympus, before Zeke can take (retake?) the throne, Poseidon appears to block the way. So one last obstacle for one last issue before Zeus is restored and everything goes back to normal and Wonder Woman can begin battling Circe or something in Issue #36.

Wonder Woman #34 Rating: No change. I've enjoyed this entire series so far although you have to admit that it isn't really much about Diana. It's more of a comparison and contrast sort of thing. Seeing who Diana has become due to and in spite of the influences she's had in her life. And throughout the series, we've seen how she's been able to influence those influences to question themselves and to become better people. Although I have a feeling her desegregation policy for Paradise Island won't stand the test of time. Or, you know, future writers on this book.

Action Comics #35

That stuff'll kill you, Superman.

I think this cover is supposed to say "DOOMED AFTERMATH" across it. I can't wait to find out if Superman and Brainiac are now collector's items in Preboot Brainiac's collection!

Turns out, just Brainiac (Vril Dox, to be precise) was tossed into the black hole that must not have been a very good black hole because it didn't crush him at all. Superman did wind up far from Earth though. The black hole's gravity well must have slingshot him into deep space. Far enough away that he grew a full beard on the flight back home. Now, up until this point in The New 52, I don't think Superman has done a lot of flying through deep space. He did head to Krypton's solar system on one or two occasions but it never took him sixty days to get there and back. It seemed more instantaneous. But now that he's spent sixty days "tearing non-stop through endless space," I have a few questions.

How did he breathe? We just saw in Superman Unchained that Superman needs to breathe and that he can't hold his breath for very long. I suppose he could hold it longer when a super powerful alien is not punching him in the throat. But sixty days? And did he choose a route that flew close to a bunch of yellow suns while avoiding those asshole red suns? How did he not just run out of energy and lose his power on the way home? And why does he fly straight through the rings of Saturn instead of going around? Stop fucking up our traditional view of the solar system by warping Saturn's rings, you jerk!

Anyway, Superman finally finds his way back to Earth. But is it the Earth he's actually from?! Dun dun DUN!

Well, whatever Earth he's found, Bruce Wayne is still an asshole control freak.

Supergirl meets Superman while he's falling through the sky thanks to Batman's Anti-Superman Satellite systems. Hey, you can never be too careful, right? He might have come back as Doomsday! Which, as we've seen, is only exacerbated by Kryptonite. So, you know, good job, Batman. You fucking moron.

Speaking of Doomsday, does Superman still have his Doomsday Herpes? Luckily Lois Lane was cured of her Brainiachlamydia at the end of Doomed. The Fortress of Solitude has been smashed to pieces (again! Wasn't it destroyed in Superman Unchained as well? I guess it's easy to rebuild. All Superman has to do is plant a crystal from Krypton) which means Krypto is probably running loose around the neighborhood super fucking all of the other dogs. And what must Wonder Woman be thinking? Her boyfriend has been missing for two months! I hope Wonder Woman took possession of Warworld as conciliation!

Ha ha ha! Omni your way out of that one, Shay!

Look, I'm not going to shed a tear about the disappearance of Scott Lobdell's creation, Shay Veritas, from continuity. But it just doesn't make any sense! Why would she be sucked into The Phantom Zone when she was merely a holographic projection inside the Fortress of Solitude? She can't leave The Block in the center of the Earth for comic book reasons! It looks like the editors and Greg Pak are using the aftermath of Doomed to clean house a little bit. No more easy way to shove villains into The Phantom Zone. No more Shay Veritas telling everybody the answers to everything. No more dangerous menagerie of aliens being kept for the fun of it by Superman. And Supergirl isn't done with the bad news! I bet it's that Wonder Woman and Lex Luthor are now dating.

Supergirl points out that Kandor is also missing and wonders if maybe Brainiac took it. Why doesn't she think it is also in The Phantom Zone? Every other disappearance she credits with the implosion of The Phantom Zone projector. And she's only guessing at those because she mentions how she has searched Earth for traces of Non, Mongul, and the Phantom King only to find no trace of them. Therefore, Supergirl concludes, they are in The Phantom Zone. As is Shay since she's missing. And the menagerie since it's missing. But not Kandor! Kandor is special or something.

I guess I should read further before commenting even if Supergirl spends three panels freaking out about where the Bottled City could have gone and speculating on things other than it being in The Phantom Zone. It turns out she seems to think they're inside since she's relieved to find they should be all right since there is no time in The Phantom Zone. Although time passes while inside or else nobody could ever think through a linear thought and would just be frozen in stasis. I think The Phantom Zone just recycles the same second over and over again so that it seems like linear time but nothing ages or changes.

Superman reboots the Fortress of Solitude which should regrow itself in forty days. Until then, we can all rest easy that we won't have to hear from Omniologist Shay Veritas.

Without a Fortress of Solitude, Superman decides to spend some time as Clark Kent, Investigative Journalist! So he heads to Smallville to find some clues. Or closure. Or something.

I'm dead inside so I don't care about Lana and Clark's relationship.

Clark and Lana head down to the Smallville Cemetary [sic] to visit Lana's parents since they died during Doomed. Lana lets Clark know that she resents him for not saving her parents because she knows him personally so, you know, her people are more important than other people's people. Then she takes him to meet her boyfriend. I hope it's Lex Luthor! Or Krypto!

Turns out it's John Henry Irons. It's obvious what she sees in him! He's a steel driving man!

Later Clark visits with Bruce Wayne who informs Clark that he does not have Doomsday Herpes anymore. Clark decides it's because he flew through a bunch of black holes. Bruce figures that Clark is a lying piece of shit. Clark gives Bruce a small melanoma on his scalp because take that, you smug asshole. Bruce puts an untraceable microscopic tracker inside Superman's cup of tea that is programmed to attach to the inside of Superman's urethra. Superman reads all of Bruce's secret papers with his x-ray vision while they talk. Both of them ignore the palpable, overwhelming sexual tension in the room.

Next on the list of people to get reacquainted with before finding his dog: Lois Lane.

More cleanup!

You know Clark wrote the "Who Needs Superman, Anyway?" article just to find out Lois Lane's reaction to Superman! And apparently she still loves him! Clark has a chance! Clark must have blogged the piece on Clarkcatropolis.com because Lois read it. But it only became popular after Lois reblogged it because a bunch of shallow d-bags read Lois's shitty blog but not Clark's massively intellectual and super entertaining and insightful blog! Where's my Lois? Oh! I remember! Gail Simone is my Lois! The only time anybody notices me is when Gail Simone reblogs something! I like when she likes something I've written and doesn't reblog it because then it's like a secret between us that none of her rabid fans get to share in!

Lois Lane writes a retaliatory piece explaining why Superman is needed. Which is exactly what Clark Kent wanted to hear! What a manipulative little drama weasel! What a compliment fisherman! What a great reporter! He tricked Lois into doing all the research in one article that he couldn't be bothered to perform himself! Now he knows where Baka has been and where Metallo (now Metal Zero, hero!) has been and what Martian Manhunter is doing and Supergirl and Ghost Soldier and lots of other stuff! She even tells him where to find Krypto! Clark Kent is so smart! And lazy!

Lois says some stupid shit, you know the kind she usually writes. But then Lana has a rebuttal to Lois! But Lana doesn't have a popular blog so she just stands in the Smallville Cemetary [sic] and speaks her rebuttal into the wind.

You could have asked J'onn J'onzz to save your parents, you know.

It isn't Clark that startles Lana. It's zombies! No, seriously. It's zombies. Her parents are clawing up out of their graves to eat her brains. Hopefully Clark did hear her and now he'll teach her a lesson. Let her save herself! Although recent portrayals of Lana Lang (all by Greg Pak) have led me to believe that she doesn't have a problem fighting monsters and taking care of herself. I guess she's just feeling particularly sorry for herself and mad at Clark because of her parents' deaths. I think this zombie thing will help move her past that.

Action Comics #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think a lot of comic books are going to feel like they're the best version of the comic that I've ever read now that Futures End Month is over and these comics can settle into a non-crossover rhythm for a few months.

Green Lantern #35

I'm happy to be getting the Monsters of the Month variant covers for October but...WHY AM I GETTING VARIANT COVERS?!

I suppose I shouldn't be asking nobody the question about my Variant Covers. How are you lot of nobodies going to know the answer to it?! I should ask my comic book store owner, Peter, why I'm getting Variant Covers. But I'm not going to because I secretly like getting Variant Covers! Sure, they'll make my entire run of Green Lantern worthless because people will want the original covers for every issue if they're buying the entire run. But I don't have Issue #1 for most of The New 52 comics anyway, so my collection is already worthless! The best part about Variant Covers is that they're spoiler free! Unless Hal Jordan is going to somehow make yellow constructs that eat his own head in this issue.

Last issue was the Godhead issue about God's sucking on the genitals of other Gods. Unless it was about Highfather's jealousy over Darkseid getting all of the action figures and cartoon appearances while he has been relegated to the guy whose name only invokes the question "Who's that?" It also might have been some editors grand idea to subvert the usual universal catastrophe of Darkseid searching for the Anti-Life Equation with the universal catastrophe of Highfather searching for the Life Equation.

Inside A Secret Pitch Meeting At DC Comics
Obnoxious DC Editor: "Listen to this idea I had while taking a shower this morning, you guys! Imagine a story called 'The Phallus of the Gods!' In it, Darkseid will ruin everything while searching for the Anti-Life Equation! It'll be a huge hit just like every other time Darkseid did that!"
Contrariwise DC Editor: "Stop right there! It's perfect! Except we'll call it 'Godhead' and instead of Darkseid searching for the Anti-Life Equation...get this!...we'll have Highfather ruining everything while searching for the Life Equation!"
Kiss Ass DC Editor: "MIND. BLOWN." *mimes his head exploding*
Obnoxious DC Editor: *pouts. Kicks fake rock. Peanuts music begins to play.*

I had to change the names of the editors involved in the meeting or else my Source, which allows me to recreate moments in the DC Office in such near perfect detail, might be uncovered. Don't worry, Sterling! Nobody will ever find out it's you!

Who is Aydin? One of the members of One Direction?

Oh yeah! Aydin is the planet that Highfather just gave Godhead to last issue. He thought he'd pull the old White Lantern trick where you make everybody's decisions for them which makes them much happier and healthier and not full of resentment and anger at all because you also took away their ability to feel anger and resentment. Except Highfather doesn't have the same powers as a White Lantern. He just used the substandard "All Spectrum Light Power" that looks like White Lantern light but isn't really. So he turned everybody on Aydin into Monsters of the Month and then commanded the New Gods to mercy kill them.

Hal, Kilowog, John Stewart, Salaak, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 must figure out what to do now before Mogo's atmosphere freezes around them and Mogo becomes a great big ice chunk in deep space. I don't know why 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 is in on a meeting of four of the top Green Lanterns but it's probably because she's my favorite.

Meanwhile, Saint Walker continues to be a huge downer.

Hope is the most powerful light in the spectrum? Fiddle sticks! Hope is pissing in the wind! Hope is for losers! I'd rather have anger than hope! At least anger gets things done and faces punched! You're never going to get your own comic book, Saint Walker, if it's going to be twenty pages of you sitting around saying things like, "I hope every thing will be okay!" Or "I hope giant flying space spiders don't consume the universe!" Or "I hope this constipation doesn't last too long!"

You know what I hope? I hope one of those pacifist Green Lanterns that has been refusing to use his or her ring will give it up to Mogo already to save Green Lantern Headquarters!

Over at the Source Wall, Metron and Highfather recount what happened in Godhead #1, saving savvy readers $4.99! Then Metron decides that the only way to figure out what this "White Lantern" is is to contact the Green Lantern Corps. Too bad these New Gods haven't been paying very close attention to anything in the universe that doesn't directly concern them or Metron would realize this is only a good idea if he was looking to get punched in the jaw by thousands of poorly thought out Green Lantern constructs.

Somebody give Mogo their Gott Damned ring already! Oh! Or just make one the way Sinestro made one for Hal! Big dumb dumbs!

Metron begins hacking the Green Lantern's servers. I just assumed each ring contained all the knowledge of everything inside of it! I can be so naive sometimes! But, as Hal Jordan correctly and smartly and astutely points out, the connection is a two-way street! Because most streets are two ways! Except those ones in little European villages that can barely fit one car down them and wind around like a serpent's penis. Using Mogo's ring, Hal gets a visual of Metron. I bet he's going to see the Source Wall reflected in Metron's eyes to discover where to go to punch Metron in the jaw!

Fuck you, Salaak! Smart ass! Do you want to do these commentaries?

While three whole Green Lanterns head out to deal with twelve unknown aliens (not so highly reasoned, that!), Metron begins analyzing the data he's stolen.

Metron sucks at analyzing data! New Genesis didn't know about any White Lanterns before this. So you can't conclude that only one White Lantern exists when you discover one! What you conclude is that New Genesis sucks at collecting information. Although Metron is probably right. Stupid comic books. Always allowing characters to jump to the right conclusions in the wrong ways.

The Green Lanterns arrive (about eighteen of them, so I, apparently, jump to the wrong conclusions in all ways) just as Metron decides they need to investigate Earth, the home of Kyle Rayner. That's just the kind of thing to cause Hal Jordan to ask questions later. Although Metron and Orion did steal Mogo's ring, so I think Hal already arrived in a non-talking mood.

See? New Genesis sucks at gathering data. They didn't know anything about The Stick™.

Orion and Hal have a bit of a chest puffing moment and, I'm glad to say, Orion is the better chest puffer. Perhaps Hal should employ the "threaten his testicles" measure that worked so well for Wonder Woman to keep him in line.

The Green Lanterns quickly learn about a word called humility before Metron, Orion, and Highfather's guards BOOM Tube back to New Genesis with information about Kyle Rayner. Hal decides the Lanterns need help and since he can't figure out that Mogo just needs a new ring, he decides the Corps will abandon Mogo and go pay a visit to Sinestro. And since Sinestro has a Magic 8 Ball named Lyssa, he's going to have tea and cakes ready for them upon their arrival.

Green Lantern #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sure, the whole Mogo thing is one of those comic book moments that don't make any sense if you have any knowledge of past Green Lantern story lines. Even if Mogo needs a very specific ring that can be utilized by a planet (which is highly doubtful seeing as how he just had a regular finger sized ring hanging from a branch), we saw Sinestro, in the beginning of this run of Green Lantern, create a ring for Hal Jordan. So I can only jump to the (wrong) conclusion that the Green Lanterns are selfish jerks that never really liked Mogo anyway and are sincerely glad that he went dormant.

Futures End: New Guardians #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don’t Put That There Chai Tea!

[Slight buzzing sounds for several seconds before being replaced by clear and enthusiastic sounds of fucking. Sounds reach a loud frenzy before dissolving into simply hurried breathing and panting.]

Archivist Melville: "Mmm. Thank you, Goggles."
Goggles: "Thank you, Archivist. I fucking needed some of that. I think I see why you chose the name Melville."
Archivist Melville: "*chuckling* Because I'm a damn good scrivener?"
Goggles: "Heh. It's not your pen I was impressed with."
Archivist Melville: "Quite a perk, this limo, hmm?"
Goggles: "Yeah. I'm just sorry we don't have enough vehicles for all these Old York and Reading City refugees."
Archivist Melville: "What are you going to do with them, Goggs? What's the plan?"

[Long silence punctuated by a few deep inhales and some slight coughing.]

Goggles: "I don't know anymore, Mel. I just don't fucking know. I thought I knew. I had this grand idea...this beautiful vision of paradise...Buzztown shared with everyone. But now...looking at them and traveling with them...there's just too damn many of them. How do this many people agree on anything?"
Archivist Melville: "What about the Kinder Camps? Weren't you going to...I don't know...?"
Goggles: "I'm still waiting to hear from the Professor about Death Carousel up in Maine. I thought maybe the abandoned children might have some insights on a new way of life, having been mostly raised outside of the Former Times. But from what I heard on the Upper Kinder Camp recording, that ain't no place for adults, you know? Maybe it's different elsewhere. Maybe we can learn something and incorporate it into our vision of the future. Maybe...fuck, Mel...maybe it's just too late for us. Our time is done. Let the kids have it, see?"

[Another long silence.]

Archivist Melville: "Why the language, Goggs?"
Goggles: *laughter* "Why not? I figured the revolution needed a language all its own. We need something new, sees it? Something that isn't...wasn't theirs."
Archivist Melville: "You just want to burn it down and start over. My colleagues and I want to save it all. I can't quite fathom how I've found myself locked inside an expensive limousine with a young, gorgeous, brilliant, Polynesian rebel."
Goggles: "Fuck it. I have no idea why I've been fucking an old, pasty white librarian the last few years." *chuckles*
Archivist Melville: "Daddy issues?"

[Another long silence.]

Archivist Melville: "Shit. Sorry, Goggles. I just...oh, just sorry."
Goggles: "No, no. Fuck it. Father issues is probably right. Why else was I so obsessed with my fucking college Literature teacher when the end of the world decided to squat down on top of us and release its bowels?"
Archivist Melville: "You know I'm not going anywhere, right? I promise to be by your side no matter what we need to do next."
Goggles: "Naw. Don't say that, Mel. No more promises. Promises don't belong in this new world. Promises only get people killed. You do what you need to do when the time comes to do it. Only thing that matters is staying alive."
Archivist Melville: "You think Shortystuff will make a move soon?"

[Another long silence. Slight coughing. An electric buzz.]

Goggles: "Fuck. Who even knows if he's alive anymore. Or if he cares."
Archivist Melville: "Well, he did try to get to you through me. So, he must want something."
Goggles: "I think he just wanted me out of his city. I still have a voice but...what good is it if I'm not identifiable. If I'm not one of them...one of the Lower Voices, you know? Now? I'm just a wanderer. An outcast. I'm no good to nobody except to get them riled up, angry, and scared. And that...fuck, man. That ain't what I wanted. I ain't never wanted to be that."
Archivist Melville: "Why...why the comic books, Goggs? Seriously, what the fuck were you doing? You could have been reading Emerson or Thoreau! Shakespeare! The founding fathers had some pretty fine things to say about revolution too, you know?"
Goggles: "Fuck all those white men. What the fuck do they have to say that's ever meant anything at all to me? Comic books...well, shit. Lotta white men behind them too...and in them, see? But...but they can sometimes transcend the person writing them. The characters are an amalgamation of lots of different writers and different minds and...and...they react to the audience. The characters, whatever race they might be, whatever sex...they reflect the audience. They're masked for a reason, you know. Bruce Wayne might be white...but Batman? Fuck no. Batman's a symbol. Spider-man's a symbol. Peter Parker may be white but why the fuck you think J. Jonah Jameson is so scared of Spider-man, hmm? Cause he's the unknown. He's the other. He's, you know, not white."
Goggles: "Take a character like Black Lightning. Written by a white guy. Talked like a jive turkey for a long time. Could easily be looked at as, well, as just another poor attempt at diversity that a white guy did all wrong. But he was also an educator that spoke white people just as well as any fucking white guy. But he knew the strength of language, and the place of language, and that speaking jive didn't make him uneducated...it transformed him into somebody who belonged in a very specific space. Oh, sure, it also helped hide his secret identity! But spoken language is important, and Jeff Pierce...or Tony Isabella? Who cares, really?...anyway, he, or they, knew just how important it could be. But you think the kids first encountering Black Lightning gave a shit about all that political and language crap? No way. This here was just some cool black dude with super powers that was going to get shit done. You think those kids cared that a white man was writing him? No fucking way. Maybe you can say it's manipulative. But you can't also say it wasn't fucking inspiring."

[Electric buzzing. Knocking noises. Another long silence.]

Goggles: "I don't know what I'm trying to say. I mean, race matters and yet, in comics, maybe it...you know...maybe it matters less. So I didn't want to foment revolution on the words of old white guys. I wanted to use super heroes. Fuck yeah, more of those bastards are white than need to be. But it's easier to obfuscate the person behind it all. Writers, editors, artists, multiple characters, masks...the fucking masks, see?...it's easier to inspire a wider range of people. At least...well, at least that was what I was thinking. I was thinking of Black Lightning. And, well, maybe a little bit of Katana too. Maybe I was thinking a lot about Barr and Aparo's Outsiders. They were more than just a team. They were a family, you know? And they were diverse. And they...they fought against the Force of July! They fought against unbridled patriotism! Think about that! They were revolutionary!"
Archivist Melville: "I can watch you talk comic books naked while smoking a joint all night, Goggs."
Goggles: "Shut up. It might be entertaining for you but I've been having to watch Moby shrink down into a little polywog there for the last few minutes. Put some fucking shorts on or something, why doncha?"
Archivist Melville: "You're a cruel woman."

[Shuffling sounds, static, and several grunts]

Archivist Melville: "Is this the comic you were going to talk about next? New Guardians?"
Goggles: "Yeah. Yeah, but...well...shit. It just depressed me. See, it's about this Lantern, Kyle Rayner, that's decided he has the right to change the universe so that nobody has to suffer. But one woman rebels against his ability to change her even though the change will make her happier. He shows her the suffering in the universe and how he's making it better but she still refuses to change because it's not his choice. It's everybody's choice."
Archivist Melville: "Aha. I see."
Goggles: "Yeah. What right do I have? I'm fucking tired, Mel. Maybe...maybe I should just drive off...leave everybody to figure the way forward for themselves. But then...I mean, how can...." *sighs*
Goggles: "Why the fuck are they following me? Why did they leave their lives, hunh? I regret leaving Buzztown! I regret my choices in Saint Lois! I'm beginning to regret this whole movement! All I do is regret my fucking decisions! And now I'm going to regret encouraging this nonsense! I already see the future. I see The Professor slipping out of the city when things got too hot. He had to live his life his way and he couldn't be responsible for anybody else any more. That's me. That's me, very likely...and very soon, I'm afraid."
Archivist Melville: "Why'd you leave Buzztown, Goggs? You talk about it like it was blissful and serene?"
Goggles: "I felt too guilty there. Skates, Alice, Little Tokyo, Tallyforth, Cummerbund...dead. All dead because of me...or, well, us actually. They made their choices as well. But why did those choices lead me to safety and paradise and them straight to their graves? I couldn't stay. I had no right to be there. But other people living in the hell of the cities brought about by the rich fuckers? They should have the chance. The people like Shizgiggles...still out there, somewhere...like my long dead friends...those people deserved happiness and comfort. But not me. Fucking hell, not me."
Archivist Melville: "Who the fuck do you think you are, Goggles? Fucking Moses?"
Goggles: "What? I...heh. Maybe. Yeah. I'm the fucking Muses, aren't I? Everybody deserves the Promised Land but me. Maybe. Maybe that's it exactly. Anyway, how about you shut your fucking mouth so I can get some sleep, hunh?"
Archivist Melville: "Goggles...I...yeah. Okay. Go to sleep, you dumb bitch."
Goggles: "Fuck off, old man."

[Clicking, shifting of leather on leather, loud slam. Rustling and static and, eventually, snoring.]

Godhead #1

I'm sorry but does DC have zero employees in the "Please Let A Cynic Look At The Cover Before We Put It On The Stands" Department?

I can't be the only one that thinks Hal Jordan's reaction is to Darkseid blowing Highfather, right? I mean, the series is called "Godhead." And Highfather is directly quoted as bringing Darkseid to his knees with seven cock rings. The big #1 One-Shot doesn't help me dispel the image of Highfather's quivering cosmic man-meat spraying life equating juices all over Darkseid's stony maw. Anyway, DC, if you need somebody to head up your Department of Defeating Accidental Sexual Innuendo, put your dick in my mouth!

Godhead is a story about the long standing feud between Highfather of New Genesis and Darkseid of Apokolips. It's also a story of what happens when you're a member of a meddling cosmic police force that thinks they need to stick their noses into the business of every species in the known universe. It's what happens when somebody gets their immortal peanut butter into the chocolatey goodness of the most powerful weapon in the universe. That was not a description of Apokoliptian anal sex.

This Cosmic Money Shot begins with an explanation of how the universe was created. It's less about masturbation than previous Green Lantern creation tales though which is disappointing.

No, no. My mistake. God still flung cum all over the darkness to create existence.

Darkseid and Highfather have been in a cold war for billions of years. Neither one is very good at maths, so they've reached a stalemate where Highfather can't figure why he keeps getting the Life Equation wrong and Darkseid can't add two to two. But Highfather knows where the answers lie! In the great teacher's text known as The Source Wall! It is there that the story begins as Highfather and Metron examine it closely for a way in. The wall was breached by Kyle Rayner during the Relic Crisis which should probably be known as the Chicken Little Fiasco. Highfather speaks with Relic and discovers the way past the Source Wall: the Green Lantern Rings! Using the power of every color united, a person may pass the Source Wall and read the equation. Or, alternately, they can find Kyle Rayner and ask him if he remembers the Life Equation. He might remember it since he fucked around with it and changed it significantly. Small wonder the universe hasn't completely unraveled since then.

Over on Mogo, Saint Walker continues to despair. Or pout. Or shirk his duties. One of those! His ring still hangs out with him because, and this is a huge guess on my part, nobody else in the universe has any hope. Everybody still believes Kyle Rayner is dead but I have a suspicious feeling that he'll reveal himself during this cosmic crisis. Then Saint Walker will get a huge head erection and his ring will finally have him back. Unless Highfather takes Saint Walker's ring first. Isn't it the only Blue Lantern Ring left in the cosmos?

The Council of Elrond.

On New Korugar, Sinestro plans his next big snoozefest. He's all, "I do things my way because my way is the greatest way!" And Lyssa is all, "But the future says differently!" And Sinestro is all, "What is the future to me? I am Sinestro!" And Arkillow is all, "Wut?" And then a New God that I don't know BOOM Tubes in, jerks off her sword, and says, "Your ring. Give it to me." And Sinestro is all, "Hardy har har har!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut?" And Sinestro is all, "Oh no! I have fallen and I can't get up! Stop her and prove how mighty you are, Arkillo!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut? I mean, to arms!" And then he's all, "My fingers!" And then the New God is all, "BOOM!"

In other words, one ring down, six to go!

Over on Okaara, Larfleeze is all, "Mine mine mine! I am not a monkey!" But the New God that has paid him a visit is all, "Give me the ring, monkey." And then Larfleeze cries while trying to scoop up each tear, sobbing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

In other words, two rings down, whatever seven minus two is to go!

If I may put forward a slight observation from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader: Lanterns are garbage.

The most powerful weapons in the universe can be stolen so easily! I think it's time to begin installing the rings in the butt. Not every creature capable of wearing a ring has fingers, so there have been modifications to the system, right? Where does Mogo even keep his? Up his grand canyon?

Over on Nok, the nok of the nok noks, another New God (this one with a pig dog and a dwarfish beard braid) takes a ring off of an Indigo Lantern. The Indigo Lantern, proffering the hand with the ring, is all, "Um...no, no! This is me protesting vehemently. Please do not take the ring or I will become a serial killer again and begin drinking the blood of young virgin children and eating the spleens of late night driving teenagers found alone on the highway and cutting off the sexual organs of elderly folks who thought they were just out to get an early bird breakfast. Please do not make me into that glorious creature. Did I say glorious? I meant awful. That awful creature." And the New God is all, "Sorry, Dudebro. But I gots ta do what I gots ta do. Here, take this Grandmaster Magic Sword in trade. But don't use it to go on some killing spree or nuttin, sees?"

In other words, a bunch of rings down, a few more to go.

I don't really know what's going on with the Red Lanterns but apparently one of the humans that earned a ring back when Atrocitus conscripted all the Type A people on Earth into joining the Red Lanterns still has her ring. But that makes sense because to take a Red Lantern's ring is to kill a Red Lantern and Charles Soule just recently killed off all the extra Red Lanterns. This Red Lantern is angry at the sex slave trade for some reason. Doesn't she like illegal free market capitalism which manipulates the lives of powerless people and makes ungodly profits at the expense of the free will of seemingly powerless people? Is she a communist? Anyway, she frees all of the sex slaves ever which is as much resolution for her anger as she's going to get.

Leave it to Charles Soule to be all, "Hey, dickheads! While you're reading your funny book, remember that the world is full of awfulness and misery and people fighting for their lives and their power and their dignity and every fucking thing they have which is hardly anything but is still being taken from them by monsters. And you...look at you. Reading a funny book with one hand down your pants hoping some artist decides to draw a little hint of a nip, you fucking fanperv."

I've lost count but since the next scene is Orion and Metron BOOM Tubing onto Mogo, I have a feeling only two rings are left: Green and Blue. Saint Walker's ring should be easy to take! Just shove him on his ass and scoop it up! But Mogo's is probably hidden deep within some lava filled chasm! Surrounded by thousands of tons of rock and dirt!

Oh. Oh, Mogo, you big dumb ball of dumb.

Mogo and Saint Walker lose their rings and they deserved it! Just letting something so powerful float around your head or hang from a twiggy branch on a tree. Although now that Mogo's lost his ring, what's going to happen to all the non-Lanterns on the planet? It doesn't look like Mogo was currently in a hospitable zone in some nice, cozy sun-drenched solar system! Is everybody on planet going to freeze to death?! If that's the case, hopefully some other Green Lantern (*coughHalJordancough*) will give Mogo their ring to save everyone.

Once he has all the rings, Highfather has them fitted into his mace so that he can wield the White Light which, apparently, is the Life Equation. So Kyle has been master of the Life Equation all this time? Which means Nekron or Black Hand wields the Anti-Life Equation? How has Darkseid been so blind? Shouldn't he have smelled the Black Lanterns? He's gotten too distracted searching all over the multiverse for a comfortable chair.

Highfather tests out his new device only to find using all the rings together does not equal the Life Equation. It just equals the ability to destroy a Black Lantern. What he needs is an actual White Lantern Ring. So now he has to find Kyle Rayner and punch him in the balls. Plus, Highfather has decided that all of the other Lanterns are too dangerous to live. That means it's once again that time of year: LANTERN COSMIC CRISIS! At least this time, they all get to fight together.

Godhead #1 Rating: This is just a one-shot! It doesn't get a rating! But as far as cosmic crises go, I have to say it might be my favorite yet of The New 52 because it involves the New Gods and it will involve, hopefully, Darkseid (unless he just misses it all because he's long stopped caring about anything New Genesis gets up to). Plus nobody is being assimilated by anything else!

Twat Lobo #1

Should I take a sharpie and add "Twat" to all of the Lobo covers?

When a comic book company is launching a new title, you assume they have plenty of time to come up with the perfect font for the title. Something that encapsulates the identity of the title character emblazoned across the front of their comic! Something that screams, "Do you love Lobo? Well then you'll love Lobo!" Or something. This title just looks like the graphic designer couldn't be bothered to put any time into it because she was headed off to lunch. It looks like a kindergartner wrote it and did that thing where they didn't realize they were going to run out of room so they had to make the letters progressively smaller. I'm surprised that last "O" isn't sideways down the right side of the cover. It also could have been designed by a junior high school boy on his Pee Chee folder in the middle of Algebra, adding hooks to make it look more metal. So in conclusion, I think this font design fits Twat Lobo perfectly well. It's all style with no substance. It's a logo that says, "Sorry. Not Sorry."

This might be the only time I'll ever say this but here it goes: "I wish Ann Nocenti were writing this comic book." Cullen Bunn's Sinestro has been a huge snoozefest so far. And even if this is Twat Lobo whom I hate with the hatred of eleven Biblical sons (who would later have to eat tons and tons of crow and probably even learn how to speak Egyptian) towards the twelfth, I still want this book to be entertaining. Maybe Cullen Bunn has the chops to pull it off. I don't know having only read his Sinestro comic book which, I think it bears repeating, is a huge snoozefest. If this were written by Ann Nocenti, at least I'd be entertained by how horribly written it was! Plus I hate Twat Lobo, so I would receive ample amounts of amusement from his being written poorly.

This first page loses a little something when you know Twat Lobo is talking to the decapitated head of Lobo™ due to DC Comics' earlier advertisements for the series.

So Cullen Bunn decides to dispense with the big battle between Twat Lobo and Lobo™ because...I don't know the because of that. Because too many people were looking forward to it? Because he didn't have a clever way of letting Twat Lobo beat the Lobo™ that everybody knows should win the fight? Because it's old history that has nothing to do with his run as a writer of Twat Lobo, so why give it any time? Because doing it this way makes Twat Lobo look like more of a bad-ass because he easily defeated Lobo™ in the negative space between comic books? I guess I don't really care since I hate the whole idea of Twat Lobo anyway.

I suppose Bunn will need to explain all of this eventually (and probably right here very soon in the first issue! To, you know, get it out of the way and all). My guess is that Czarnians have some ability to grow a whole new self from just a piece of their original selves (but probably not a whole new person from every drop of blood like in the Preboot days) and Lobo™ probably grew from Twat Lobo's detached penis or testicles which is why he's such a raging ball of testosterone. Then Lobo™ did all the stuff that we know Lobo™ did, like destroy all the Czarnians and befriend space dolphins and travel around the galaxy on a space hog with his dog and a few scattered penguins. Unless the Czarnians aren't all dead like Hawkman and Liefeld and some other comics would have us believe.

A scene from Titanic. I mean, Twat Lobo's boring origin.

Twat Lobo's dream or remembrance or whatever it is changes from Titanic to Day of the Dead as all the Czarnians melt into zombie plague monsters. Then he wakes up because you can't have all the mysteries solved in the first issue!

Twat Lobo makes a scared face proving he's not the real Lobo™.

After Twat Lobo shits himself from scary dreams, he gets paid a visit from Rhialla, the alien who supplies him with his kill contracts. This time she has an old standby plot ready to get him on his way! It's the old "Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby-Doo Special." Except replace "thirteen" with "eight" and "ghosts" with "assassins." Twat Lobo must kill eight of the universe's most deadly assassins before they can kill one target on Earth that they're all hunting. Rhialla pretends she doesn't know the target and that it doesn't matter. I have a feeling it is going to matter! Maybe the target is Supergirl because Twat Lobo has a history with her.

For hating someplace so vehemently, Twat Lobo sure utilizes a lot of its cliche similes. And, um, a lot of its words!

Twat Lobo begins his hunt with Gus, a mottled blue pornstached Cyclops-glasses wearing tentacle guy. I suppose the next few pages will be filled with lots of gore and "Sorry. Not Sorries."

I think that's a circumcision threat.

Twat Lobo kills a bunch of goons but then tries to surprise everybody by pointing out how he doesn't kill dogs. He also Narration Boxes a bunch of nonsense that reminds me that Sinestro is a huge snoozefest. Finally, he kills Gus and says his catchphrase which I've been waiting on the edge of pins and needles to hear! "Sorry. Not Sorry." So clever!

Remember, kids! If you ever want to make a list of human beings that suck at being human beings, just check the Twitter hashtag "sorrynotsorry". Every name that comes up is a worthless waste of oxygen sucking carbon.

The target is Florida? That's understandable.

I suppose Earth is the actual target so that must mean the Vogons have put up the money for the contract.

Twat Lobo #1 Rating: So far, it's gripped me as well as Sinestro gripped me. So if you want to read a comic book that you'll forget all about as soon as you put it down and were probably thinking about what you were going to do after reading the comic instead of actually paying attention to the comic while reading it, you should read Twat Lobo! Or Sinestro. Whatever.

Gotham Academy #1

Why couldn't this be a lenticular cover so I could see their underwear from an obtuse angle?

I think Gotham Academy needs a jaunty, tween theme song to get us all in a Degrassi Junior High-like frenzy of super drama and teen hormones! The underwear shot would have done that but it's only available on the Pervy Adult Variant Cover, so the rest of us will have to make due with this great theme song! Sing it with me, okay! It's sung to the tune of whatever song is currently stuck in your head!

Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! Climbing up ropes and solving mysteries!
Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! They wear underwear under their skirts!
Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! Gonna kiss a boy or a girl or whatever!
Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! Batman? Batman? Batman can suck it!
Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! GO GO GOTHAM ACADEMY! Teen titans!

That was a short theme song because I decided not to bother with any more of it because I'm not getting royalties.

In their plaid skirts they climb up ropes! GOTHAM ACADEMY!
Always stumbling around in school aged tropes! GOTHAM ACADEMY!
When there's studying, they're playing Wii!
Still pass their tests because they're smarties!
Ditching nerdy hall monitors on patrol!
Gotham Academy Go!

That was a bonus theme song because it demanded to be sung.

Hopefully the Narrator is Olive because then I'm already crushing hard on Olive. If it's not, I'm in love with the Narrator.

Whoever heard of walls being built with stones older than the walls themselves?! Ridiculous!

The Narrator already has me feeling like I'm in an overly dramatized environment ready to totally freak out over the smallest problems that hardly matter at all! So just like Scott Snyder's Batman!

Here we see the main character, Olive Silverlock, being explicitly told by Headmaster Hammer to take her boyfriend's younger sister, Maps Mizoguchi, into the most dangerous and mysterious and secretiest building on campus. It's also possible this is her ex-boyfriend's younger sister!

Karl Kerschl's art is gorgeous and still makes me feel like I'm reading a Macross comic book.

Let's take a moment to study the character's names! Headmaster Hammer is called Hammer Head by the children of Gotham Academy. That must mean he's seen as thick-headed and unreasonable, and a tough father figure making sure that all the nails get pounded in so they're ready to maintain the structure of civilization. Olive Silverlock has silver locks. Plus everybody loves her and/or she's very kind, thus "All Love." Also she probably has a gross, icky pimento-like substance deep in her soul that takes time to become fond of. Maps Mizoguchi must be named for her ability to find her way around things. I'm sure Maps is just a nickname because she always knows how to find a Taco Bell. Seeing how she acts here, my guess is the name Mizoguchi might be more for her brother's sake. It might suggest he's overly fond of ceremony and tradition, or that he is a poet and lover of beauty. His sister just seems like she might be an adventurous little troublemaker whose curiosity is going to get them all in hot water and teenaged drama!

Next, the two intrepid cuckoos go on a Family Circus style adventure across campus as Olive, the Narrator (yay!), thinks about how she's trying to break up with Kyle. She's also thinking what every other teenager on campus is thinking: "Nobody understands me!" Although in her case, it might be closer to the truth because she is the main character and the story is going to focus on her and she probably has some pretty strange ties to The Batman!

On their way to classes (I guess the tour starts later when they have more time to find themselves in the Haunted North Hall of Madness), Olive runs into her Fremesis, Pomeline Fritch!

I don't know why her name is Pomeline Fritch. Because it sounds unlikeable?

Here we meet Pomeline, the truly most misunderstood person on campus! Probably. I'm sure she acts out because she's afraid to let anybody close to her because she's afraid they won't like who she really is. So she never writes comic book commentaries in her true voice because people might criticize that voice and then her feelings would be hurt. So instead, she acts mean and tough and overly criticizes everything she reads as the only means of armor she has to protect herself in a society that scares the crap out of her because she knows she would never be accepted by anybody that actually fits into it.

Or at least that's the feeling I get from the two panels she's in so far (three if you count the back of her head in the Family Circus Dotted Line Runabout!

In Macpheson's history class, we meet a couple of other future main characters!

The girl flipping the bird is my new favorite! Olive can suck it now!

Olive continues to feel differently from any other teenager that ever existed in that she doesn't feel like she fits in. Hey, guess what teenagers?! That feeling never goes away! Ha ha ha! That whole "It gets better" campaign?! It doesn't actually get better! You just become more cynical and calloused and less impervious to assholes that feel worse than you do so they try to make you feel worse than that! That's what we call "civilization"! Everybody just moping about wondering why they don't actually fit in. Some try their dangdest to fit in and put on a happy smile and go about working their forty hour job and kissing their spouse and patting their children on the heads at the appropriate times while shaking their heads in disappointment at other appropriate times. But deep inside, they still just want to crawl under the house and hug their tear-soaked teddy bear close to their heart.

Olive seems to be trying to adjust to herself, seeking the woman she's becoming and how things changed last summer when...well, I don't know yet. Something about her mom. She's trying to separate herself from the people who know her best (Kyle and Maps) so it's easier to transform into a new Olive. But she doesn't like the things she sees in her new self, and so she reaches out to Maps who, it seems, knows her best. And that's how they wind up exploring the Haunted North Hall of Madness which Hammer Head told them to visit earlier by saying, "Don't you dare visit that place, young ladies!"

Maps also may or may not be into LARPing.

A "Welcome Back to Gotham Academy" assembly is taking place later where Bruce Wayne will be speaking. Olive has a Wayne Foundation Scholarship but that doesn't mean she feels like she needs to hear stuffy old Bruce Wayne speak. Hunting ghosts is a far more efficient use of her adolescent time. That statement seems so obvious I'm not sure I should have even typed it! Who wouldn't want to hunt ghosts over hearing some stupid billionaire gentrificationist blah blah blah for a way too high percentage of your lifetime?

Oh my crap! G-g-g-g-ghosts!

The girls climb up to the top of the belfry, ignoring all of the boarded up entrances and crumbling architecture. This school seems really unsafe! Forget the Haunted North Hall of Madness! Why are the students engaged in an assembly directly beneath this crumbling bell tower?! At the top of the bell tower, Olive and Maps see the Batsignal high over downtown Gotham. Too bad Bruce Wayne is downstairs giving a talk to the students! I guess Jim Gordon is going to have to save the day like regular cops in regular cities all over the world: by finding some patsy and pretending the crime has been solved so that the public still feels safe to go about their capitalism.

Part of the Bell Tower balcony collapses and Maps falls over the edge, leaving her hanging from a gargoyle. Unless it's a grotesque. Olive has to save the day by swinging down on the belfry's rope, causing a lot of bonging and disturbing all the bats, including the man that is a bat! Was that poetic? No? Okay, fine! Whatever.

I guess if Martha and Thomas Wayne's commitment to Gotham Academy meant ignoring maintenance for years and years, kudos, Bruce!

Bruce recognizes Olive and, later, Olive freaks out when she thinks Batman is coming for her too. So is her mother in Arkham? Is that why Olive got a Wayne Foundation Scholarship because Bruce felt he needed to help her out while her mom, um, decompresses? Is her mother a super villain?! Oh! I have more questions too! Who is Mr. Trent and why was he speaking at the Welcome Back Assembly? He starred in House of Secrets (the best house, by the way) with Basil Karlo! Does Mr. Trent work at the school and is it a name I should recognize from the five hundred New 52 stories already done on Clayface? Why is there an eye in Olive's dorm room? And why is Olive's dorm room filled with cracks and holes? I don't think Bruce is committed to this place at all! Throw some money at it, asshole!

Gotham Academy #1 Rating: This book is the kind of fun comic book I've been telling DC Comics they need to invest in. But they never listen to me because I usually call Dan Didio a douchebag or Geoff Johns a gopher hole fucker or Jim Lee a guy that scribbles on everything he draws. Maybe I should try to be more like honey than vinegar! Anyway, this book will take over the empty slot at #7 because how can it not? It's cute and whimsical and filled with g-g-g-g-ghosts and Degrassi Junior High School Drama! That's like my favorite thing!