Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32

I missed the issue where Damian was encased in carbonite.

I used to pronounce the "Ra's" in Ra's al Ghul as rhyming with moss because I can't even pronounce English names. But then I heard Batman pronounce it as rhyming with mace in Young Justice and I slapped myself in the face and said, "Stupid! You embarrassment! You idiot! How did you not know?!"

I hate when people act like they're better than you when you mispronounce a name. It's a fucking name! If somebody has never heard it said out loud before, there's absolutely no fucking reason that person should know how to pronounce it. I still constantly mispronounce Andrea's name from The Walking Dead because I was pronouncing it differently for eight years while reading the fucking comic book before I ever heard them pronounce it on the stupid television show. And people are so quick to correct you! So fucking smug in their ability to pronounce a name correctly! La dee da! Now if only that were the way they tested a person's IQ! "Pronounce all of these names. If you get any wrong, we'll fucking laugh right in your face and throw you out, you stupid twat."

Let me take a second to compose myself and wipe the spittle from my computer monitor. Yes, that's right. I rant and rave out loud as I type!

Okay. So Batman and Frankenstein have journeyed to the place formerly known as Nanda Parbat where Ra's al Ghul has an emergency Lazarus Pit. They arrive a little bit later than they would have liked and find that Ra's currently has Talia's corpse dipped just past her private area. If he never dunks the rest of her, will her bottom half come alive? I bet even just half of her is a pretty good match for the Jeezly Crow Batman.

This Pit fires up the libido.

This Lazarus Pit is supposedly even better than the Well of Sins Lazarus Pit in the heart of 'Eth Sven'leven. Ra's hadn't been able to access it while Nanda Parbat had its fat magic ass sitting on top of it. Here is an insensitive joke about the size of a city: "When Nanda Parbat sits around the Lazarus Pit, it really sits around the Lazarus Pit!" Um. Anyway, since Nanda Parbat arsed off, Ra's has decided to take full advantage of the purest pit in the world.

Here's another insensitive fat person joke: "How many fat people does it take to change a light bulb? One!"

Here's an equal time insensitive skinny person joke: "How many skinny people does it take to change a light bulb? Don't worry about it. The fat person already took care of it."

The rules for this pit insist that the corpse must be immersed in the liquid for 24 hours which is why Talia and Damian are in the sarcophagi. Fill 'em up and let 'em stew. This pit also erases memory. That seems like a huge hassle. Ra's really is crazy if he wants to rule the world with two mindless people that don't know anything and have no relationship to the people they once were. That just sounds like a hassle.

So you can't call Frankenstein a monster without sounding insensitive and you can't call him Frankenstein without a bunch of pseudo-intellectuals jumping down your throat and pointing out that the monster's name wasn't Frankenstein. Those people are pedantic assholes!

Batman and his army of Yetis attack Ra's and his army of Man-bats to keep Damian's corpse from being immersed in the Pit. Mostly Bruce just doesn't want to have to deal with another Jason Todd.

Batman escapes with Damian's sarcophagus while Frankenstein holds off the Man-Bats. But first Batman knocks a huge stone pillar on a bunch of Man-bats. Is it okay to kill Man-Bats? Or is this one of those situations if one of them dies, it isn't really Batman's fault since they should have upped their invulnerability quotient when transforming.

Frank doesn't do a quality job holding back al Ghul's forces.

Before Batman can make a clean getaway, he's forced to have one more conversation with Ra's al Ghul.

How sweet! It's Batmamabearman!

And, of course, that last conversation turns into one last battle (after one last double page Superman advertisement). The battle goes on for a few pages until Batman is about to put out both of al Ghul's eyes. But there are a couple of reasons he can't go through with it. The first reason is that Batman spent a long time under the Comics Code Authority, so he's hesitant to provide any Injuries to the Eyes for the corruption of the younger readers. And the second reason is because a BOOM Tube blasts open out of which that fucking asshole piece of shit craphole bullshitter Glorious Godfrey steps. Ugh. What a bastard.

Also a bunch of parademons come out of the tube which really can't be very good for New Earth!

Batman and Ra's al Ghul #32 Rating: No change. Well well well. That was a fucking surprise twist ending! I wasn't expecting to see Glorious Godfrey any time soon. Although the introduction of Apokolips into the Robin story was ruined for me just because the final DC ALL ACCESS page in all of last week's comic books make sure they differentiated "ROBIN RISES: OMEGA #1" from all the other text whenever it was mentioned. And Omega has been touted as Darkseid's daughter trapped on Earth. So even when I try to avoid all spoilers, DC still manages to kick me in the teeth and shit down my throat. I think. That metaphor might not accurately describe how it feels to read spoilers from DC itself. Anyway, a decent enough issue, I suppose. Lots of fighting. Not enough Yetis. Just the right amount of Frankenstein.

Supergirl #32

"Why hello, Worldkiller! Pleased to meet you!" SOCKO!

Once upon a time there was a super girl whose name was Supergirl. Her name was also Kara Something-el or something but everybody just called her Supergirl. She was from the planet Krypton which blew up. You should probably infer from that statement that her parents also blew up. It might have been more complicated than that although there was this one really great scene where Kara's father was all, "I love you, Kara's Mother!" And then Kara's mother who was really pissed off about Kara's father saving Kara's life (unless she was really mad that he didn't save her life?) said, "You were the worst scientist ever." And then everybody blew up and Kara's father had to die while feeling his lowest low ever.

So I mentioned the blowing up bits so that you'd understand why Kara was so angry and why she was chosen to be a member of the Red Lanterns who are also very angry even though their planets didn't blow up. Most lanterns aren't angry but occasionally you'll meet a real dick of a lantern that will try to burn down a house or a forest. Some of them even try to asphyxiate people with their secret emissions. But these Lanterns were angry because of other reasons that are other stories that aren't Supergirl's story so they probably shouldn't be told here taking up her valuable word real estate.

I think that's all the background story a new reader needs to understand Supergirl's motivations. Oh! It might also help to know she's lonely in case that wasn't implied in that part about her home planet blowing up!

Did DC Comics pay Iron Maiden for the use of their font?

Currently Supergirl has been kicked out of the Red Lantern Corps. If you want to know why, you have to read a comic book that hasn't been published yet. There are two ways you can do this and both require time travel. The first way is to hope that time travel is invented in your life time, buy a time machine when it's invented, time travel back to right now when you were reading Supergirl #32, give your past self the time machine so that they can travel into the future to get Red Lanterns #32, wait for your past self to return while you enjoy your copy of Red Lanterns #32 that you brought with you to kill time waiting for your past self to return because you remember when you visited yourself that you didn't know how to work the time machine very well and returned to the past two hours after you left instead of immediately. The other way you can time travel to read Red Lanterns #32 is to just travel forward in time how you normally do it by wasting your life masturbating and watching cartoons. Before you know it, Red Lanterns #32 will be on sale! Score!

Anyway, Supergirl decides to head back to Earth with her Red Lantern Ring. She probably wants to yell at her best friend Silver Banshee. "Why didn't you console me when I was dying of Vaginal Kryptonite Poisoning?!" And Silver Banshee will be all, "Ye wee Blarney Stones! Ye never even telled me aboot jour strange sexually transmitted disease!" And Supergirl will be all, "That's no excuse!" And Silver Banshee will cry and hug her and beg for forgiveness and say, "Can ye never forgeeve me?!" And Supergirl will be all, "Didn't you tell me you could speak any language you hear fluently? Doesn't that mean you shouldn't have an accent?" And Silver Banshee will be all, "Why no ye dumb slut! Beggorah and shenanigans!" And then I was all, "I'm tired of writing this stupid conversation!"

It's a lucky thing that Supergirl decided to head back to Earth since that's where Worldkiller and his Diaperans are headed! Probably to kill her so maybe on second thought, it's an unlucky thing.

So Earth has to suffer just so you can pal around with Supergirl? Just fucking ask her for her number!

On Supergirl's way home, she takes a side trip into Action Comics #33. Another comic book that hasn't been published yet! Hopefully your future self remembered that you needed to pick up this comic as well before sending you off in the time machine. Maybe that's why it took you two hours to return! Because you had to make two stops! No wait. That doesn't make sense! It's time travel! It takes no time at all unless you're a moron that can't operate the controls! You really have to be dumb to not know how to use a time machine. They always have easy to read dials that you just spin and set to the proper time before pushing the button or pulling the lever that turns the machine on. Isn't it weird that time machines never have GPS units in them? How do they know where to find the Earth when you go back 80 years? It's not like Earth was just sitting in the exact place where you departed! I'm sure Google will figure all that shit out so that it runs in the background and all the pilot has to do is set the correct time. Hopefully they'll account for the missing week when we changed to the Gregorian calendar back in 1752! Holy crap! Imagine how many people will be lost if they screw up that math!

So after doing whatever she managed to do in Action Comics #33, Supergirl arrives in Earthspace just in time to battle a bunch of Diarrheans.

I think Emanuela Lupacchino is the spiritual successor of Mahmud Asrar.

Supergirl destroys a bunch of spaceships and makes a lot of aliens really sad. But there is one that she makes really happy. Super happy even! That alien is named Worldkiller-1! That is a weird name, isn't it? It's times like this that I wish I was about to have a baby so I could name it Worldkiller-42. Then everybody would have to think, "Holy crap! There are forty-something more world killers out there?!" Most people probably can't do math that intricate on the spot so they would probably say "forty-something." I try to keep my speculative fiction grounded in reality.

Once Supergirl learns Worldkiller is Kryptonian, she offers to give him a handy.

Why are artists still using this sound effect improperly?! There is a very specific time and place for this! The time is usually when your roommates are out of the apartment and the place is anywhere in the apartment that is easily washed off.

Supergirl continues to beat on Worldkiller-1 until his face falls off and his body disintegrates. But she didn't kill him! Because the one thing she learned as a Red Lantern was not to kill! Unless she learned something else. I don't know where all these heroes learn that killing is a bad thing. How dare they look down their noses at American soldiers who kill for reasons obfuscated by the chanting throng of nationalists proclaiming the soldiers are killing for freedom. I'm not sure about you but I don't feel any freer whenever another brown person halfway across the planet is gunned down by an American. Hmm, I guess I'm looking down my nose at soldiers too! No, no! They're just following corporate orders! I mean, American military orders! Weird how I made that mistake.

So Worldkiller-1 did not die. He just returned as Space Slender Man. And he wants her body! Join the club, buddy!

They plummet into the Earth's atmosphere which is still full of Kryptonite because the American military is even dumber in comic books than real life. So now Supergirl is getting weaker and weaker while Worldkiller-1 tries to bond with her.

Supergirl #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is there any chance Emanuela Lupacchino is going to stick around? She seems like the kind of artist that doesn't hit her deadlines regularly enough to do anything but fill-in issues. I have no evidence to back that up except that her art is terrific and she hasn't been doing any comic book monthly. Tony Bedard has been a very competent writer during The New 52. I was sorry to see his run on Blue Beetle end so quickly. He also did a great job with the Beowulf back-up stories in Sword of Sorcery. Also remember the other things he did and pretend I said really good things about those as well.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32

Is this the first comic book cover to show two male characters masturbating in public?

They're not literally masturbating although the douchebag fucktwats of the world would say, "Red Hood and Speedy are literally masturbating on the cover of Red Hood #32!" No, they're metaphorically masturbating as they cock their phallic symbols. But it's not a subtle metaphor: the positioning of the weapons, the way both characters are in mid-cock, the cheesecake Starfire ready to take them both on on the hood of the car. Maybe even "masturbating" is a conclusion too far away to jump to; maybe they're just pulling out their pieces for the imminent three-way. Whatever the fuck is going on on this cover, it serves its purpose by reminding me one thing: Scott Lobdell is back!

I realize I've been reading Scott Lobdell's comic books all wrong. I've been trying to think about them. I've been expecting them to be more than they truly are. Lobdell has always written to his idea of the twelve year old boy comic book fan. Although way back when I was twelve and way back when I was a boy, Elfquest was my favorite thing in the world. Even then, I don't imagine I would have liked Lobdell's writing. I've spoken with some people who think back and believe Lobdell did a good job on X-Men years ago. I think those people are just forgetting that they were nearly twenty years younger and probably liked some really shitty comic books simply because they featured lots of costumed characters fighting lots of other costumed characters. And while those fans have matured over time, Lobdell has not. He's still writing to the same audience he assumed was reading his stuff years ago. He's trying to keep the gateway open for the twelve year old boy fans that only want to see action and side-boob! So to make sure Scott Lobdell gets a fair shake in my reviews, I now turn this commentary over to the twelve year old boy inside of me.

That wasn't meant to sound as pervy as it did.

This issue begins with Jason Todd taking a controversial ideological stand!

Me too, Red Hood! Fuck those terrorists!

Terrorists should just take whatever America tells them they should take! If they don't like our foreign policies and imperialist attitudes, why don't they fucking go to Mars? No wait! America owns Mars, you fuckers! Maybe they should go live on Ceres! No wait! America probably wants that too because it might have valuable minerals on it! Maybe they should just kill themselves and go to Hell! No wait! America wants Hell too! We could totally exploit all of that free labor. And just think of the neverending reserve of energy from the eternally burning pits of fire? Maybe the terrorists should just calm down and accept our way of life! Fucking bullies! Goddamn cowards! I can't wait to see Red Hood shoot a bunch of them in the face!

I'm on page two and still no shot of Starfire's tits or ass. Darn it!

Oh man! I commented too early on Red Hood's terrific speech! He has even more smarter things to say after the terrorists are cowards speech!

This might be the best thought out logical conclusion I've ever read!

Fucking terrorists! I can't believe someone would read a bumper sticker and then decide to kill themselves in their war against people that don't believe in their bumper sticker! Although I'm not quite sure how terrorists aren't getting their hands dirty. Isn't killing yourself to kill a bunch of innocent people that have no real power behind the idiotic decisions made by our government "committing" or "getting their hands dirty"? And by Jason's logic, he wouldn't mind them so much if they dressed up in a garish costume before doing it? Also, isn't what The Joker and The Penguin and all the others do "terrorism"? Don't they rule Gotham by making other people afraid? Isn't that also what The Batman does?! Except his targets are more focused than other terrorists.

I don't know! What do I know? Red Hood knows what he's doing because he's a hero! I'm just a stupid idiot kid trying to read the most awesomest comic book in the world! I also tend to say things that a twelve year old boy might not actually say but staying in character is hard in the face of the shittiest writing in the world!

It also has the shittiest art team apparently since this is how Jason Todd begins his attack on the terrorist ship he's infiltrated.

Panel before title page.

Title page. I guess he was using some kind of camouflage tech developed by Speedy.

Anyway, I'm sure all the inconsistencies will be explained away later. I'm just hoping for a little Starfire side-boob soon! But I'll have to wait because first Speedy arrives on the front of the plane to murder the pilots! Way to go, Speedy! The only way to stay sober is to find something to occupy your time! Murder is so much better than heroin!

Now that's a great opening line! And well worth taking the time to say while hoping the pilots don't tilt the plane or something crazy.

Red Hood totally throws some guy out of a window and begins shooting other guys in their faces. It must be the best job in the world getting to kill people without feeling the guilt and remorse of killing people because you've turned them into this completely evil other who are only out to destroy and terrify! Fuck man! I can't wait to join the marines! Get my hands on some weapons and legally kill me some terrorists! Or any brown person in some other country far away that I can assume is a terrorist!

The hologram might be showing signs of nationalism but I don't think it's currently being racist.

Starfire finally appears on the eighth page although her boobs are drawn like male pecs so I'm not scanning that! Gross! Then she says "squee" in a totally retarded way and Speedy points out that the internet is dumb. That's probably because Speedy doesn't like to hear people criticize him when he's totally acting like a person that needs to be criticized. It's much easier going on believing you're an awesome archer that arches the shit out of everything his pencil touches rather than hear that you're actually not a very good archer at all and you should probably stop writing already and retire.

There is a better way to prove to the internet that it's not wrong about your abilities other than telling the internet that it's wrong in its conclusions! What is that better way? Do a better job!

This is Scott not doing a better job at all. Does he not own a dictionary? There are a number of them on the internet! Oh, but that doesn't mean they're right though.

And just because I'm, for some reason, in the mood to point out errors in Lobdell's writing, here's another one.

I actually don't care that much about typos and sentences that were obviously reworked and wound up retaining some of the old sentence so that it reads like the one in the panel above. Look, we all do it. If you edit or have decent editors, they're caught and fixed and no harm done. No big deal. I probably have a number of typos in this commentary alone which won't be fixed until I reread it next month. The real issue I have is that Lobdell's turns of phrase, his story elements, his plots, and his characterizations are all half-assed month after month. This is a guy that doesn't give a shit about the scripts he turns in. This is a man that has no respect for the characters and thus no respect for the fans of those characters. And I'm sure twelve year old boy me would have said the exact same thing. Although I did seem to read and enjoy a lot of Marv Wolfman when I was that age, so maybe I would have been a fan of Lobdell as well. But times change. I will no longer defend Wolfman's current material just because I liked it when I was younger and I think Lobdell deserves the same treatment from those who might have enjoyed his stuff when they were younger. Let's just be honest. Lobdell's writing is terrible. We, the internet, can all agree on that, right? And for once, the internet is spot on about something.

The next few pages are full of hero worship as Roy and Jason stare out the window of a crashing plane and watch Starfire dismantle a nuclear bomb. While they watch, a "slap" sound effect is added for some reason. I don't think I want to know the reason. What could possibly be sla...no! No! I don't need to know what's going on.

I think at this point I have to admit that I couldn't do the pretend thing where I was enjoying Lobdell's writing. So it's back to criticizing every single little miniscule tiny teeny thing he does!

Speaking of criticizing Lobdell, I began watching the first season of Young Justice recently. I forget the lines and moments that led me to this theory, but I felt very quickly that Scott Lobdell stole most of the what he was doing for The New 52 from watching Young Justice. I made that declaration somewhere (I have too many rants and raves to remember where) a few days ago. And then I just recently watched the episode where Superboy finds his older brother in Cadmus. You know? The one that burns the Superman logo onto his chest backwards while looking into a mirror? Kind of the way H'el did? Anyway, back to Red Hood!

After America is saved, some villain in a swamp tries to be threatening while being a bumbling moron. He never gives his name so forget about him. Hopefully he'll never show up again. Meanwhile, The Outlaws are ambushed by an encephalo-magnetic pulse. I hate those things! They're knocked out and taken prisoner guest. Too bad they weren't killed.

Why is Roy wearing Hammer Pants?

Well if Man-Bat has to be anywhere, I'm glad he's in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That gives me one more reason to hate it!

SHADE has picked up a space ship that was sending this message: "Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran. You are our final hope." So Starfire enters the ship and then flies screaming back out of it. Now all of the readers are on the edges of their seats wondering what Scott Lobdell decided must have been inside the ship during the time he had to write the next script.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32 Rating: -2 Ranking. It's so nice to have Scott Lobdell back on this book. I don't mind if he ruins this one. But having him at the helm of Superman? That was simply blasphemy on DC's part. I would probably have more to say about it but my laptop's fan just conked out and now my laptop keeps trying to overheat. So I should probably deal with that before I completely crash my hard drive!

Wonder Woman #32

When life gives you labyrinths, make minotaurade.

Because I don't know anything about anything else, I decided to consult Princess Wikipedia for the origin of the saying, "When life gives you labyrinths, make lemonade." Err, or something. Anyway, she made a face and rolled her eyes and said, "Really? You're going to demand information from me? Well I'm busy. But I'm sure my retinue has uncovered some information." And she was correct! Although her retinue are idiots that publish sentences like this in her name: "In 2011 the rap duo Bad meets evils song loud noises Eminem said 'Life handed me lemons, I jumped back in the public eye And squirted lemon juice in it'". Illiterate peasants are running her kingdom!

Ever notice how every Wikipedia article details the subject for a bit and then ends in an "In Popular Culture" section which basically means "All the Times This Subject Was Mentioned in Modern Pop Music, Shitty Movies, and Anime."

The Wikipedia entry on "Themyscira" currently reads, "A place preparing for a big fat war, fatty fuck cock ass democrats suck!!."

The Wikipedia entry for "Hell" currently reads, "An hour or more alone at a table with your parents. Or a realm quickly emptying of lost souls being visited by Moon and Desire."

The Wikipedia entry for "Olympus" currently reads, "Wadn't dat da place with all a dem gods and such? The ones defeated by Yahweh? More like Obunchalimppussies, amirite?"

Never mind this panel. This is more important. Way back when Sarah Palin was first announced as the vice presidential candidate, I visited her Wikipedia page to learn more about her. It read, "A taco." I laughed so hard that I hit refresh before thinking clearly and taking a screen shot and it had already been fixed. I never read the restored page though because "a taco" was really all I needed to know.

The First Born keeps yammering on about killing all the gods until Strife walks up and sits on his hand. Then he says, "Rrrrggh." I think that means, "Okay, I guess you can live because my thumb feels really fucking nice resting lightly upon your labia."

The Wikipedia entry for "labia" currently reads, "If only teenage boys knew the actual names for the female genitalia, they could find lots of good wank material here! I mean, lots of good information. Unless showing the majority of photos of female genitalia minus the pubic hair is only going to confuse them later in life."

Anyway, the battle begins in Harvest's realm. Cassandra and the S&Minotaur attack. They're easily contained by Moon, Desire, Harvest, and Wonder Woman. But then The First Born arrives to destroy Harvest's entire realm. He's successful enough that Harvest gives up. But not Wonder Woman! She sends everybody away so that she can face the First Born in a one on one, hand to hand deathmatch supreme.

The Wikipedia entry for "mano a mano" currently reads, "Total gay man on man sack action with nachos."

Hermes managed to survive the tussle in Hell and he's the guy that teleports everyone away from The First Born. He's also the one that has to explain to Zola that he doesn't know if Wonder Woman will survive the battle against The First Born. And that's when Orion and Wesley Willis return to save the day! But that day won't come until next month.

Wonder Woman #32 Rating: No change. Thirty two issues of The New 52 Wonder Woman and I still don't know why she's been living in London. Why do you ignore the important parts of the story, Azzarello? Do you hate the readers?! We have questions that need answers! Like how many kebabs does Wonder Woman down each night on the way home blitzed from drinking at the pub? Does she enjoy her chips with mayonnaise or ketchup? When she goes dancing at the clubs (you remember? That thing she likes to do that Charles Soule told us about because you were too busy writing about the war between the gods?), which drugs does she take? If only you cared about the character, Azzarello! Stop screwing around and writing something worth reading! I think you're just content to only be ranked at #2 in the most objective New 52 Ranking System ever devised (mine!).

Harley Quinn #7

Hot damn! I bet these two were playing Bloody Mary! Unless they were playing that game where you say some name into a mirror.

Harley Quinn is a clown. Unless she's a doctor. Maybe she's a doctor that believes she's a clown. She used to be a supporting character in another person's life but she's taken on the responsibility of being a title character now. She also might be a little bit insane. But sane or insane, what does it really matter? Perception will trump reality every time. You can have dozens of doctors telling you that you're not hearing other people's voices in your head and that's it's just a glitch in your brain causing you to disassociate yourself from the origin of the voices. But if you're the one hearing the voices, it's kind of hard to listen to the professionals telling you that you're not. Especially when the voices are pointing out that the doctors are actually demons and they're trying to poison you with their so-called medications.

So sane or insane, does it matter? Can't we all just assume the Cheshire Cat was right and try to make do? I try to make do by remaining reclusive and avoiding serious conversations with other people. But I found a serious flaw in being a recluse! I keep my life orderly so that when I leave the house, I commit to short jaunts to familiar places. Get in and get out. Expose yourself to "reality" in the most miniscule time units you can manage. The flaw? The places I frequent most often because they're familiar to me cause me to be familiar with the owners and workers of those places! So now they're trying to have personal conversations with me instead of just helping me as they'd help some other anonymous nobody! I go in to get comic books: "Hey Tess! These are all you're getting this week? Usually you have a huge stack!" I go to get Korean Bento: "Do you want the usual? How is the Non-Certified Spouse? Back from visiting family yet?" I go to eat breakfast out: "Yeah, I used to live on 48th as well! I grew up there! Did you know Mack and Elma?" I go to the bank: "How is Judas?" What the fuck, bank clerk?! How do you know my cat's name! What the fuck is going on here?! How does everybody in my neighborhood suddenly know so much about me when I barely leave the fucking house!?

*pant pant pant*

Forget reality. Just let it go, Tess! Look at the comic book. Remember the comic book. That's the world you want to spend your time inside. Breathe slowly. Let your ego dissipate in the gentle caress of images and speech balloons. Relax. Relax. Re. Lax.

Get out! Get out! The posts are coming from inside the house!

I just pointed out that Harley might be the teensiest bit insane so I might disagree with Poison Ivy's convoluted assessment of the situation. Somebody might ask why Harley Quinn has issued a hit on herself but that someone might think that logic or reason means anything to the distorted thinking of a crazy person. Seriously though. If logic and reason mean nothing to sane people, why would crazy people be any different?

After leaving the beach, Poison Ivy digs around on Harley's computer to look for some clues! Clues are always a good thing to find when one discovers they're wrapped up in a mystery! And if you can't find any clues, the next best thing to find is a rich white guy involved in real estate that has easy access to scary rubber masks. Then you kill him and the mystery should quietly disappear.

Oh ha ha. The Nunya Business file. Hoo whee! It's moments like this that I wonder why God only gave us two knees to slap!

The next page, Harley finishes the Nunya Business joke that I already lost my shit over. The folder is password protected and Harley doesn't know the password. I guess Ivy will just have to remain awake while hiding behind a potted plant in the corner of the room and wait until somebody tries to access the laptop. And by "somebody" I mean Harley Quinn.

Fine. Hide in the closet. I think a potted plant would work better! Also note the Cheshire Cat under the bed because I'm a Master Comic Book Reader or something.

The plan works! Harley falls asleep and then gets on her laptop to increase the payout of the hit on her. Her crazy and/or quite confident plan is to get the competition to come to her so she can kill them all. I can't wait until Deathstroke gets a whiff of this contract! He doesn't kill for fun, you know!

As Harley updates, she's attacked by two more assassins, Cliche Skull Head and Masked Katana Woman in Leather Clichegirl. They have to be caricatures of assassins because they're going to be dead soon. As a comic book creator, you don't want to create a character that can earn you royalties and waste them by killing them off immediately! No way! You have to create watered down versions of characters people will kind of recognize and then kill them! These two are probably actually called Killdeath and Deathkill. Oh! I just copyrighted those names!

I'm tempted to replace my pink Stephanie "Get Up and Dance" icon with this one of Goat Boy's dinner being ruined.

Harley wakes up in time to kill the assassins so Poison Ivy doesn't have to. She wouldn't want Babsgirl or Screaming Canary to smell murder on her just in case she gets another chance to join the Birds. Harley can kill because she learned it from The Joker and he's always had free reign to murder to his heart's content. At least until Batman shows up. But Batman isn't going to come to New York to bother with Harley! Although now that Harley's raised the price on her own hit, Deathstroke or Twat Lobo might show up!

Mini-Danzig (he must really be small to refer to him as both "mini" and "Danzig," amirite?!) checks in on the girls to make sure they're not dead since bullets did come through the floor of the entire building. As he helps bag up Skulldeathkillkillman, Skulldeathkillkillman's phone goes off. It plays "I Will Survive" because of irony or sarcasm or anacoluthon or something. The phone tells the tale of a secret meeting of Brooklyn Assassins where Brooklyn Assassins are meeting in secret. Can you believe Harley's luck?! Now she knows where to go to kill them all at one time! She'd probably thank Jesus but he might take issue with all the killing that's about to take place.

This is normally where I'd scan a panel of the carnage except PENIS JOKE! <-- anacoluthon!

It's a good thing I opted to scan the penis joke since there wasn't much carnage to speak of. Harley threatens all the killers and says they shouldn't be trying to kill her for a very good reason. And that reason is that she'll kill them and their families if they try to kill her. Only one doesn't agree to leave her alone and that's the one that winds up allowing for some carnage. Afterward, everyone goes shoe shopping!

Harley Quinn #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Another very nice looking issue. Some major pluses were lots of nearly naked people. Some minuses were Harley's Beaver getting a hole blown through it. He seems to be okay though. Plus the jokes were much better this time around than the last issue.

Batman Eternal #11

Recently every cover with Batgirl on it looks like she's attempting to engage in scissoring.

I learned some stuff today! I decided to skim every issue of the 1985 Who's Who series to see if anybody was named Maxwell Payne. I figured he's going to be an important character in Futures End (or was important the five years between Now and Futures End, anyway!) and it was possible it was the name of some d-list villain. I couldn't find anybody by that name. I think the only person that had "Payne" as a last name was one of the three Clayfaces (the worst one!). But I did learn that Batman Incorporated used to be called The Dome!

I suppose I kind of already knew this since I read Infinity Inc many, many years ago. But due to the passage of time, a poor memory for details, and the insipid yet constant belief that any time I hear about anything for the first time ever, I believe it's the first time that thing has ever existed, I didn't make the connection.

Also while watching the first season of Young Justice, I got to see The Forever People in action and hear Jason Bard's name dropped in a telepathic training exercise. Jason Bard was also important enough for a Who's Who entry (for some horrible reason). He must have been created by somebody at DC with a lot of pull.

"Hey! Don't forget that boring ass white guy I created! He's different from the other boring ass white guy's I created because he uses a cane!"

Now that I'm chock full of useless information, it's time to apply it to my reading of Batman Eternal! Now I can say things that make me sound like I'm full of insight like, "Remember how Jason Bard used to run his own detective agency? I wonder how much he charged The Batman? I also wonder why the dirty cops never firebombed it!" Then some smartass comic book know-it-all will probably come along and say, "Actually, his place of business was firebombed in Detective Comics #433 entitled, 'Jason Bard's House of Sexual Dishonesty.'"

This issue begins with Batgirl trying to keep Scorpiana from murdering the man that was standing at the subway where her father did that horrible thing he apparently did. Batgirl thinks he knows something since he was standing around for hours and then left after the accident. Why would he stand around at a subway station for hours possibly waiting for somebody? Why would he leave after the accident instead of continuing waiting on the person he was waiting for?! Why did he eat a hot dog and look bored?! So suspicious!

The art makes me believe that a cat with a boner is going to sidle by at any minute.

This art is causing my brain to believe masturbation is about to take place! At any second, Batgirl's clothes are going to fall from her body and she's going to wrap her legs around Scorpiana's face. The camera man is going to pull out his penis and begin masturbating as he films the fuckfight. And then scorpions and spiders are going to crawl out of Scorpiana's ass and...oh. Okay, that's done it. I'm not thinking about masturbation anymore!

Meanwhile back at Wayne Manor, Alfred spends some quality time with his estranged daughter, Julia. He makes her a delicious looking fake sandwich and then lets her yell at him for a few panels.

And then...oh joy!...he gets to wipe up blood! What a fantastic day! Being a butler sure seems swell.

The scene shifts to Stephanie Brown doing research on her father's alias, Cluemaster. I bet the word "spoil" gets used at some point during this scene!

I'm wrong because I guess Snyder and company finally realized they were doing the same thing on a weekly basis and everybody was noticing. You can do that on a monthly basis because everybody forgets everything that was in last month's comic book. That's why so many people kept buying Teen Titans. They would forget how awful it was and then see it on the shelf next month and think, "Oh! I love the Teen Titans!" Then they would get home, read the comic book, and dream about the $2.99 they just threw down DC's toilet. Although to make up for the fact that "spoil" isn't said, they have Cluemaster as a civilian game show host use the word "clue" a few times! And they bold and italicize it in the same way they were doing when they used the word "spoil". Can a person feel halfway vindicated? I think that's what I'm feeling!

Where is that cat and his boner?

Now Scorpiana will break in to continue the fuckfight with Batgirl. But then Red Hood will save the day and Babs will be all, "I didn't need saving, you misogynist jerko!" And Red Hood will be all, "Fuck you, you harpy!" And then they'll engage in some mutual masturbation while listening to a Styx album.

How is Scorpiana going to fuckfight effectively with that mask on?

You know what couple of characters I haven't seen lately that I really miss? Alfred the cat and Batcow. Come on, DC! That's a monthly title that would make a killing! Or at least sell the one copy I buy. Isn't that enough?

Back to Spoi...I mean Stephanie Brown doing research in the library, I discover I was too quick to believe in half-vindication!

Full on vindication, urethra munchers!

Did you know that the race of beings that were the Tele-tubbies were actually called "Urethra Munchers." It's a fact! Go ahead! Look it up!

Does anybody know how to upload facts to Google?

This issue may never have gotten around to showing me a cat with a boner but these following panels are filled with flaccid, uncircumcised cocks and a stuffed animal that is a boob.

I'd prefer to just say "cocks" but I figure most of my readership live in America where only circumcised cocks get any air time. So all you young girls and boys that have never seen an uncircumcised cock before, this is the horror that will emerge from the pants of the person it's attached too!

I'm always surprised when an American points to something they find horrific being done in another country but they rush right out to get their baby's penis trimmed. As well as all the other horrible things Americans still buy into. That's just the one that's currently on my mind since I just saw two dozen cocks in that panel I scanned.

Back in Brazil, Batgirl escapes the television studio with Gonzolo and accidentally drops him inside Starfire's ship. At least I think it's Starfire! It looks like Starfire!

It's just...there's just...I mean...something is missing. And I don't mean all the dicks sticking out of all of her orifices! I mean, those are missing. It's just not what I meant this time!

El Gaucho arrives to capture Scorpiana and Red Hood appears to tell Batgirl she needs to calm the fuck down and start using her head to find the man at the subway station. So I guess they're going to team up for awhile without being angry at each other. Maybe. There are plenty of other reasons to be mad at Red Hood!

The mini-story that bookends this issue is about Selina visiting the grave of Lola, her ex-fence that died in a manner that can probably be seen as Catwoman's fault if you wanted to be a dick about it. A letter on the grave claims to be from her father. I think in some other DC reality, Falcone may have been her father. So he might be in this one as well. But if he is, he doesn't know Selina is Catwoman. Anyway, Batman is hanging around the graveyard hoping that Selina is sad and vulnerable and in the mood.

Oh! She is in the mood! She wants you to drop the stupid daddy act and be a non-daddy right now!

Batman Eternal #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. Um. Hmm. Oh yeah! I have to come up with a nice blurb for the Batman Eternal Trade when it comes out! "If you've never heard of Batman, don't bother picking up this one! Maybe try that Wolverine trade further down the rack -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Futures End #7

Yeah! Who is afraid of the neutered bat?

Somebody needs to die this issue to keep me interested. My guess is it will be Coil since Coil has been dragging his feet about joining The Key's big heist. It's always the cautious individual that gets punished when pushy people convince that individual to do something risky or illegal. I don't suppose it will be any of the other characters highlighted so far since most of them appeared in Futures End #0 where they died. I suppose that's an alternate future since Terry McBatman has now come back in time to change everything. But if that's the case and he's going to fix stuff then I can't expect anybody to die, right? Also, in five real years, am I going to have to reread all of these stories again in the regular monthly titles of these characters?!

This issue begins with a battle between an undead monster and a ghostly phantom. It's like an old comic that might have had "weird" or "strange" or "house" as part of the title.

These dead bodies don't count since they were killed in Issue #1.

I like how Lemire and Snyder commented on the crappy quality of some of DC's New 52 comics in their Rotworld story. All the dead heroes that had been turned into Rotlings were the worst written characters so far in The New 52 like Grifter and Hawk and Dove and The Teen Titans and Katana and Green Arrow. It was brilliant! I mean, it was mean! What jerks! How dare they point out the differing quality of the books and subversively comment on writers that actually care about what they're putting out versus those that just care about the paycheck.

That last comment might have been a bit unfair. It's possible Nocenti and Lobdell are doing the best that they can and they don't give a shit about the paycheck. Although I'm fairly certain Lobdell still dreams of fucking a different comic book groupie every night on top of mountains of X-men cash continuously pouring in from the nineties speculation market. Although most comic book groupies of the time were adolescent boys which isn't the picture I was trying to portray of Scott Lobdell. You can skip that last sentence if you aren't Scott Lobdell's attorney and go ahead and believe I meant whatever you want to believe I meant when I mentioned Lobdell and diddling groupies.

Meanwhile back on Earth, Lois Lane threatens to deport her employees if they don't do as she says.

Apparently the entire office is okay with her discriminatory practices.

At least Not Red Robin Anymore's girlfriend, Madison Payne, doesn't like the way Lois Lane does her business. And Lois Lane doesn't like the way Mad Payne is the daughter of Max Payne. I don't think I like that either! I bet Max Payne is also a Major in the army! And I bet his wife's name is Gigantic Thorpe. She kept her maiden name.

I really like Madison Payne!

If this is the first time you're reading one of my 1500+ comic book reviews, I'll give you the TL;DR on them: I hate goddamned journalists, local newscasters, and non-Muslim heterosexual white men.

After Lois Lane gets her ass chewed out, there's an advertisement for a new Infinite Crisis comic book. Do I need to do commentary on this title? Reader thoughts are appreciated to convince me to pick up that series. No, they won't actually be appreciated! But they will determine whether or not I read the series.

Meanwhile Jasonstorm continues to enjoy the role of teacher's pet, Ronniestorm visits a memorial with his mom's name on it, and Deathstroke kicks people in the face while training on Cadmus Island. That's where Grifter has been taken. It's becoming a lot like that island where the Doom Patrol lived before Superboy punched reality or the island with all the geniuses in Watchmen. I mean, not exactly like those things since those housed intelligent and creative people while Cadmus Island, so far, only has Deathstroke and Grifter. So it has brutal killers which is nearly the exact same thing as intellectuals.

Faraday is building some kind of Daemonite killing team. I imagine, since this series is all about highlighting cancelled characters, that team is Team 7. I'm not sure who the little girl with the glowing eyes is though. I suppose it's probably Jericho. You know, Joseph Wilson? Slade's son? Try to keep up!

"Yuh nah mah fadder?" Okay, maybe it's not Jericho! Or that was some kind of stupid joke because the little girl that Joseph is currently possessing isn't Deathstroke's child.

Later the girl introduces herself as "Fifty Sue." It sounds like one of Crazy Jane's personalities. Maybe she's one of those metas that can multiply like Mob Rule or Multiplication Guy.

Back at the park where The Key and Coil and Plastique are making plans for a heist they're not even sure they're going to attempt since Coil is all, "We'll be trapped!" and "I don't know if I can do it!" and "I don't want to be anybody's bitch anymore!", Mister Terrific calls Terry McBatman not a bum. I guess in the future, that's a major insult because Terry McBatman instantly kicks Mister Terrific in the face. Not a great idea! You know how many Terry McBatman's Mister Terrific buys and sells before his before breakfast shit?! Probably, like, a zillion or something!

Oh! Maybe I should have said, "Do you know how many Terry McBatman's Mister Terrific eats for breakfast every morning before his before breakfast shit?" Does that work better? It seems kind of confusing but he's rich and needs to keep up his huge muscle mass, so I'm sure he eats before he eats all of the time. Also he eats before he shits. You know, just to help push out the caviar and oysters and Cristal from the midnight snack of the night before.

Terry McBatman flees the battle because he's a wussy girl. That might be sexist but I'd rather be seen as sexist then be seen as a homophobe by saying wussy boy! Unless it's only homophobic because I now pointed out that when I say "wussy boy," I mean gay male! Maybe I should have just said he flees the battle like a stupid French tart! That can't be seen as offensive by anybody! Especially since it's so accurate because whenever a stupid French tart flees a battle, they always leave behind their shopping cart full of cybernetic arms, legs, and heads. I'm nothing if not precise in my use of language symbols!

Oh no! By traveling through time to stop Mister Terrific's bugbot empire, they've helped start Mister Terrific's bugbot empire! Oh the bugbotmanity!

Futures End #7 Rating: No change. Nobody died! How dare this comic book not kill anybody? Doesn't it know what makes for exciting adventures? The number one rule is to kill off a character. And when you've got so many characters to kill off and it doesn't matter if they die or not because this is an imaginary future tale, you should be killing them off left and right and whatever that third direction is that scientists recently discovered. Didn't they just discover something like that? Didn't they call it ambertron or something? I bet in the future, everybody drives on the ambertron hand side of the street!

Oh! I should give a quick blurb for this comic book so that DC puts it on the Futures End trade when it comes out. "Futures End? More like Futures Beginning! Am I right? Or am I ambertron?!"