Catwoman #31

Who continues to buy this book? Shame on you all!

I'm one of those idiot assholes who believe they should act according to the beliefs they hold. So I actually buy my comics instead of going about making excuses for why it's okay for me to torrent the comic books I read. But Ann Nocenti might be tipping me into the realm of rationalizing jerk-off trying to convince everybody that it's okay to steal comic books because the copy protection on them is a huge burden. No wait. That's the rationalization for something else. Whatever! I don't care! At this point, I think the people paying for this comic book are actually doing more harm than the people stealing it!

See, I believe that if you like a piece of art that somebody is creating, you should support that art so that the creator has the means and ability to continue to make more art (Oh man! This is where I should shove in a Donate Button!). If you can't afford it or have some other reason for stealing the art, go ahead and do that. Just don't try to convince me that what you're doing has some kind of nobility behind it. I'm willing to bet I'd still be reading The Movement if as many people who read it actually paid for it. But right now, I can see the other side of the argument! Ann Nocenti's scripts are not worth paying for! They're also not worth stealing though. So maybe I'm not arguing that people steal it. Just stop fucking buying it. When a customer at a comic book shop approaches the counter with a Catwoman comic book, the clerk should confiscate it and hand that customer an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea business card instead. "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! We Read the Shit So You Don't Get So Angry You Have An Embolism And Fall Down Dead in Your Apartment Where Your Neighbor Finds You Two Weeks Later Half Eaten By Your Cats!" I wonder if there's some way to make my business card catchier and more succinct?

Here's my review of this comic book before I even read it: Catwoman says some incoherent things. She talks past people while they talk past her. Some wacky shenanigans ensue that don't make any kind of sense at all. And by the last page, the reader is left shamed and embarrassed and a little bit turned on by the experience.

Last issue, the first part of the Race of Thieves took place. It was the Dexterity Challenge and it consisted of Roulette saying "Let the games begin!" and then everybody else going ape-shit. When you hear "Dexterity Challenge," you think each participant is going to have to pick a lock or walk across a tightrope from one roof to another. You think to yourself, "This is an organized challenge with rule and reason! It's specifically designed to find the most capable thief in the world." You don't think the game is going to consist of the host yelling out each challenge and then letting the participants simply pound each other in the face. But I guess Catwoman wins by being sucked into Mirror World and then escaping.

As a rational human being, I can't think of a more panic-inducing situation than seeing my face a thousand times over. Except maybe being trapped in a fire. Or attacked by rabid dogs. Or having sex for the first time.

Mirror Master's explanation about how most people react to being trapped in Mirror World is exactly the reaction Catwoman narrated while she was trapped in Mirror World. Ann Nocenti scripts as if each character is just another opportunity to say something strange. She doesn't see Selina Kyle as a specific character from Sam Scudder. They're just objects to stick speech bubbles on as they move the plot along through their inane dialogue.

Here's that part of the comic book that made me say Selina would talk past other people in my review I already wrote. Although Sam seems to actually be paying attention to the nonsense coming out of Selina's face.

Wait, wait! I'm not through scanning incoherent nonsense from this page! Enjoy these two panels of people saying weird fucking shit to each other.

Swindle doesn't get the last word. Not at all. And how is Catwoman being a tease? She just said these two will implode. That means she doesn't have to "make it happen." Fuck! Why are these people all such gigantic idiots?!

What are DC editors paid to do? Because part of their job description obviously isn't taking a script back to Ann Nocenti and asking the important questions like "Why is Sam calling Selina a tease here?" and "Why is Swindle saying 'Never again' to Vice?" and "Who keeps signing your paycheck?"

I'm about ready to scan in every fucking page of this mess so nobody has to go through the trouble of purchasing or torrenting this shit! It's just so entertaining in that way that taking a shit that's too big for your anal sphincter is entertaining!

This doesn't make any sense! If this is a race of thieves, why did Volt get an invite? Why is Roulette kicking him out now after she chose him for the party? How does the argument that chaos wins the race prove that Volt should continue to participate in a tournament of thieves?! And why the fuck would she point out this isn't the race of law-abiding citizens?! Because only law-abiding citizens would agree with her when she kicked them out of the contest?! I'm so fucking confused!

Scenes From Ann Nocenti's Catwoman: Scene Two

"How've you been, Catwoman?" asked Trip Winter as he approached Selina. He was hoping she would respond, "Is that a huge cock in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" because he currently had a huge cock in his pocket. Actually it was in his pants but it looked like it was in his pocket.

"Making score after score," Catwoman lied since she hadn't scored at all since she received the near fatal head injury after Batman kicked her off of her motorcycle while going close to one hundred miles per hour. "Without your help, Trip Winter," she spat. She felt saying his whole name would not only accentuate her anger but it also might help the readers to remember who this Bruce Wayne look-a-like was. But just saying his name might not be enough, so Selina continued, "You disappeared on me. Left me holding a bag of loot with no getaway car. Why?"

"We had a good thing, Catwoman," Trip Winter lied. And to really put a point to the fact that he was lying about the good thing they had, he followed that statement up with "But I can't trust you." Because not trusting somebody is always a solid foundation for having a good thing. It's possible the "good thing" he was referring to was the sexual chemistry they had in the lab. And by "lab" I mean "bed." And by "bed" I mean "anywhere Trip could put his thingy into Catwoman's thingy." Feeling that the matter was settled, Trip had one final thing to say to Catwoman. "No one can." That ought to make her feel bad because obviously Trip Winter knows her much better than everybody else knows her! Catwoman squirmed against the wall as Trip made such a piercing observation of her untrustworthiness. She hissed and batted a paw and zipped out of the room.

End Scene Two

Roulette informs the last contestants that they have won Round Two which was prowess in combat. So that wasn't the Dexterity Round? Is it possible Ann Nocenti's horrible writing ability tripped up a Master Comic Book Reader like myself and I made a mistake?! When Roulette mentioned the Dexterity Round last issue, was she talking about the puzzle box invites that she sent out?! If so then Roulette sucks as a Game Show Host because she never actually mentioned that Round Two would be a big fight. She just said "Let the games begin" or something and everybody just seemed to know that they should beat the shit out of each other.

Anyway, now the contestants have to pull off a heist. And they're competing against criminals all over the world. So I guess Mirror Master doesn't fucking understand the rules of the game any better than I do! That idiot actually thought there were only four contestants! Scudder is a jerk!

Anyway, here's Roulette describing the heist (along with some other dumb stuff):

Why is Mr. Stone's head on fire?!

So a house that has been boarded up for two hundred years is now an archaeological dig site. "Careful! Careful! Open that door slowly so you don't break anything! Dust the floor carefully so you don't miss any pubic hairs! Watch out for the pipes when you start digging in the floor!"

Catwoman changes into her costume and heads out to the dig site. On the way, she passes a bar where the lights are flickering. Of course she realizes that means that Volt is in the bar. What else could it mean? Nothing, that's what else!

Catwoman saves Volt from getting his ass beat because I don't know what the fuck is happening. Did Volt get kicked out of the contest or not? I guess after proclaiming he had a right to compete, he decided he needed a drink more. Because as we all know about Volt (or are learning right this second, anyway), he can't lay off the sauce!

Unless asked nicely.

Ann Nocenti really has no idea what she's doing. Who is buying this fucking comic book? Besides me! I get a pass since I tell everybody that isn't buying it that it's still horrendous. That's valuable information!

Since Detectives Alvarez and Keyes decided they didn't feel like going through with their undercover sting of Roulette's Race of Thieves, they've headed back to the office which Catwoman bugged many issues ago with a camera that looked right into Alvarez's crotch on a daily basis. Now the camera has fallen to the floor and Gwen is concerned that it isn't showing the outline of Alvarez's penis against his tight detective khakis. Catwoman doesn't care about that because she just wants to hear what they're discussing. And what do you know?! They're just sitting there spouting information about the Viceroy Manor Dig! What luck! Remember: knowing is winning!

Since Nocenti's stories never make any sense, maybe I'm making a mistake trying to write about them. Perhaps I should just make a list of all the stupid shit in her books? That might hurry things along since writing a commentary on Catwoman takes a lot of energy out of me as I smash my face into the wall and tear out my hair and fall into a psychotic rage.

A List of Ann Nocenti's Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

1. The Viceroy Mansion dig is not an archaeological dig at all. It is a two hundred year old cold case murder scandal! Maybe it's both! The archaeological crime scene dig is being guarded by snipers and anti-aircraft and radar and you name it. This is a situation that makes complete sense if this murder scandal is based on some ancient cult of the Old Gods.

2. Catwoman takes time out to compare herself to a "tethered horse watching stallions pound by her." It's poetic and beautiful and sounds way more sexual than it probably should. Especially the part about the stallions and the pounding! Also that part about the tethering! Scandalous!

3. Alice Tesla brings up those gaslamps from the first issue. Why did Roulette need them, hmm? Curiouser and curiouser, Ann Nocenti probably wished she'd made her say but instead I did! I suppose she brings them up because they'll have something to do with Roulette's ultimate goal which, if the reader is lucky, will never be exposed because this comic book will be cancelled soon. Although its monthly numbers are still abnormally high because comic book fans are idiots that follow characters instead of well told stories. Jerkos.

4. Catwoman states that the other thieves are going high-tech, so she's going to go primitive. I don't know how she knows how the others are going high-tech! She just mentioned that she hates not knowing what the other racers are up to! It's why she compared herself to a horse!

5. Catwoman makes fantastic similes.

6. The archaeological dig is turning up valuables locked away in blocks of ice because not only does Gotham sit on enormous caverns full of the unwashed masses but it also seems to exist on a full scale Pengo video game.

7. The woman in charge of the dig is looking for evidence to clear her family name. Instead she finds valuables worth millions of dollars. Shoot!

8. Rita Viceroy discovers a painting of an ancestor that looks just like her! That's such an original idea that I should write a story about it! I will call it "The Painting That Looked Like Me But Was Super Old!" It will have a twist ending where the painting was actually a time traveler and it really was a painting of me!

9. Selina once again works for the Suicide Hotline instead of the Crime Hotline because it's easier to prevent suicide than it is to prevent crime. Unless the statistics show differently. Which they probably don't.

10. No mention so far of the other Race of Thieves Contestants. I guess they're busy doing research and thinking up stupid similes and building weapons as well.

11. For some reason, the coroner is really upset about the Viceroy Cold Case being reopened. What the poop does he have to do with it?! Why would he be upset if they overturned any conclusions made 200 years ago? Oh! Oh! I bet it was his coroner ancestors who killed the Viceroys for their money and he's been benefiting ever since!

12. Rita Viceroy and the privatized coroner have a moment to share Ann Nocenti's research into inventions that were once invented. "I love things being invented!" "Oh! Oh! Me too!" "So good." "Yes! So, so good." "Let's do it!" "Okay!"

13. Catwoman tracks down some gum on a shoe. You can tell they're gum on a shoe because they say things like "Yeh" and "Whattayawant?" That's totally corrupt gum shoe speak!

14. Catwoman helps the shoe gums to steal lots of stuff from the site! But they can't steal the gigantic golden elephant or she'll stamp her foot and yell, "But we had a deal! Poo!"

15. Catwoman doesn't want the stupid gold elephant anyway. How can she move it on her own?! She just wants some dumb old papers.

16. Golden Glider and Mirror Master finally arrive because they were probably off doing it while Catwoman was busy with her convoluted plan.

17. Vice and Swindle arrive last because they were probably off imploding while Golden Glider and Mirror Master were busy with doing it.

18. Vice makes a heavy lifting comment without mentioning his penis. He is classy!

19. Everybody betrays everybody else in an orgy of betrayal. That's why this issue was called "Gauntlet!" I mean, that's why this issue's cover said, "Betrayal!"

20. Mirror Master does unspeakable things to a golden elephant's behind.

21. Volt arrives drunk and is knocked out by Catwoman. She either claims he has delirium tremens even though he'd only been sober for an hour or two before getting drunk again, or she's making another bad simile where she says he's "grinning like an idiot with delirium tremens." Because delirium tremens make idiots smile because they're too dumb to be terrified and uncomfortable.

22. Mirror Master makes a quick calculation about how valuable the Golden Elephant is. He's really good at math and approximating and guesstimarking because when he brings the elephant to Roulette, she comes up with the exact same estimate in the exact same way with the exact same wording! Coincidence or horrible writer?! As a Reader, you probably think it's just a coincidence! But as a Writer, I know which one it really is!

23. Catwoman wins the Heist Round because knowing is winning and she knew that love letters were more valuable than stripping and melting a golden elephant down to fifty pounds of gold worth one million dollars!

24. Selina has now been hired to the Gotham Police by a transfer coroner that was brought in by private money. Something about that doesn't sound right!

Catwoman #31 Rating: -3 Ranking. This comic book might be worse than Scott Lobdell's Superman. It's kind of hard to tell because how do you tell the difference between really shitty garbage and really garbagy shit?

Larfleeze #11

Do I actually have to read the comic book when the outcome is right on the cover?

Okay, so this issue might not actually end this way. I've been reading comic books long enough to know that the cover often has nothing to do with the story inside. But if I never actually read the comic book, I'll never know the cover didn't tell the actual story. I can continue to believe I know what happened without ever being told differently. It's not like anybody out there is actually reading this comic book. Sure, some die hard Lantern Fans continue to buy it. But it probably remains on the bottom of their "to read" stack month after month. Eventually, they'll realize they've got eight issues of this thing piled up whereupon they'll just board them and throw them in a box unread. Meanwhile, DC will continue to publish it because the numbers are satisfactory even though nobody is fucking reading it.

Even if the cover were blank, I still wouldn't have to read this book to know what it's about. Larfleeze is going to insist everything is his and fight with everybody that insists everything isn't his. Pulsar Stargrave is going to whine and whinge and bitch and moan about his lot in life. And the members of the House of Tuath Dan are going to have bigger and bigger fits of apoplexy. Some jokes from the first issue will be told again for the eleventh time. And although this next supposition cannot be proven simply by reading the comic book, I'm sure Giffen and DeMatteis scripted this book while blowing each other in a rusty orange van. They usually believe they have a hit when one of them can make the other one laugh jizz out of his nose.

If one good thing has come from this comic book, it's the Planet of Sad Robots. Too bad it will never be seen again in the DC Universe, and may very well be destroyed before this issue is over.

G'nort has also entered into the fray because Giffen and DeMatteis have to keep the joke characters alive somehow. Giffen and DeMatteis are basically taking the easy way out with their choices of scripts. Writing about serious topics, filling a story with emotional arcs and tragic characters, and, in essence, taking the job of writing seriously is a difficult task. If you decide to write silly and inconsequential, people can't really criticize you too harshly. You can brush off the criticism since you didn't really put your heart into what you were writing. But if you approach a subject with gravitas and a critic points out how spectacularly you goofed it up, it can be a real blow to the ego. Why do you think the tone of this blog is so lighthearted and hyperbolic in its anger? It's because I'm actually a very sensitive creature that could never hold up to the harsh critics of the internet if they were to attack the things that I truly believe! Besides, the things I truly believe are completely misanthropic and disturbing.

I should have made this comic book into a drinking game! Just like Giffen's Threshold, the jokes and the story are so predictable that I could have made a long list of rules to drink by. Just drinking for jokes that have already been used would have me drunk by page five! Pulsar has already been sarcastic and whiny. Larfleeze has declared he fears nothing. G'nort has corrected the way someone pronounces his name when they call him a gnat. The sad robots worry about their planet being destroyed. The Wanderer reiterates that she took an oath to marry any creature that could defeat her in combat. G'nort mentions how he wants to make his parents with the funny names proud. And Larfleeze has been called an Orange Monkey. It's like Giffen and DeMatteis are just recycling the same script over and over.

I probably shouldn't complain about people using the same jokes over and over. It leaves me open for criticism!

Whose sentient chip are they going to find? O-Henry's? L-Sprague's? K-Dick's?

While the Sad Robots deal with the comedy genocide card they've been dealt, Larfleeze and G'nort engage in a battle of rings and the members of the House of Tuath Dan bicker and squabble. And Giffen and DeMatteis shamelessly continue to recycle the same jokes.

That's the second time for this joke in just this issue!

The next page uses the gnat joke for a third time because when a joke is terrible, it must be done multiple times before it becomes funny. Not that the joke actually becomes funny after multiple uses of it. The funny comes from the person telling it over and over again when it was never funny in the first place. It's this comedy theory that propelled Family Guy to such great success!

Meanwhile over a few more instances of the G'nort/Gnat joke, Larfleeze and G'nort settle their differences when they realize it's all just a misunderstanding of contract law. The robots did give everything to Larfleeze and had no right to use the Green Lantern Corps to get them out of a shitty deal. But the robots aren't down and out yet! Even though they're depressed and sad and only two of them are left, they think they've made contact with another robot mind built into the the Larfleeze Trap created by the House of Tuath Dan.

It's Z-Elda? Z-Fitz? That doesn't fit with the robot naming conventions! I call foul! Quick! Call G'nort a gnat to distract from this poorly thought out surprise twist!

They don't recycle the gnat joke but they do recycle the "Larfleeze doesn't know the meaning of surrender" joke! So that was extra funny when read again! And then the final page states the obvious as Larfleeze and G'nort team up to defeat the House of Tuath Dan next issue.

Oh, that's such a shame.

Larfleeze #11 Rating: -2 Ranking. I think the problem this comic book had that the back-up Larfleeze feature didn't wasn't that it was too long but that it didn't have enough characters. Oh, sure! By this eleventh issue, there are many, many characters. But getting to this point it had Larfleeze and Pulsar and Larfleeze's orange construct creatures. The back-up feature had a nice sampling of old Sci-Fi DC Characters fleshing out the story so it wasn't just Larfleeze saying "mine", Pulsar hating his life, and Larfleeze's constructs being passive aggressive. They all had different motivations and charms. They were probably all as one dimensional as the characters in the full length series but it was just harder to tell when you only have eight pages to get to know so many characters. So maybe being too long was one of this comic book's problems! How the fuck should I know? I'm not here to fix DC's problems! I'm just here to point at them and laugh.

Justice League Dark #31

If Constantine were on this cover, it would segue nicely into my rant about Vapers with which I'm going to begin this commentary.

I saw a Vaper take a hit of his Cigarette Computer just before he walked into a vintage shop on Hawthorne today. Fuck you, asshole. Just because there aren't any laws against Vaping anywhere, it doesn't mean you should still be a righteous dick about blowing your vapor in everyone's faces. You know why cigarettes were outlawed from public places? It's not because second hand smoke is harmful. Sure, that's probably the only reason the law was as easy as it was to put into place. No, the real reason everybody needed it to be illegal for assholes to smoke in movie theaters and airplanes and restaurants is because the fucking asshole smokers were never going to realize that they were being complete and utter dicks by filling every fucking locale with their disgusting smoke. And now the Vapers suddenly think, "Shit. This shit ain't illegal and it ain't harmful, so what the fuck is the problem? I can Vape this righteous Bubble Gum Flavored Water Vapor anywhere I want!" Fuck you. You're being a dick. Nobody wants to suck down water vapor that you just hacked up out of your disgusting lungs. Learn about consideration, you assholes. I may have to change my diet so that I can fart the nastiest smelling farts at will. Because if I have to suck down your leftover water vapor, I'm going to make sure that you suck down my misty excretions. And I won't be shy about it. My ass will be centimeters from your mouth when I let one go.

How long before a Ray Fawkes writes a story revolving around Constantine's switch to eCigarettes? Probably not long now that I mentioned it!

Currently, Alice Winter, formerly known as The Nightmare Nurse, has appeared in The House of Mystery. It seems she's got some Jason Blood/Etrigan type arrangement with Asa concerning her body. Not a legal arrangement nor a friendly one. It's more of the "that fucking demon keeps stealing my shit" kind of thing.

Also, the Mystery Girl is still in the mirrors.

Zatanna has magic at her disposal so she doesn't see why she needs to believe Alice Winter's story at all. No reason to have a discussion with her or to try to get to the bottom of this situation through civil or normal means. Might as well go right for the magic even though Constantine is constantly pointing out how there is a price to pay every time for utilizing the short cut. I suppose if I could do magic, I wouldn't do anything the normal way! I think I'd practice Synchromancy! That's the art of causing everything you want to happen at the moment you want it to happen to happen at that moment. Like right now, I really want Indian Food. So suddenly there would be a knock at my door at three in the morning and it would be a guy delivering Indian Food. I'd say, "But I didn't order any Indian Food?" And he'd say, "Oh, it's already paid for and supposed to be delivered to this address! I'm also supposed to eat out your asshole as you enjoy the food." And then I'd say, "That's why I answered the door naked!" Synchromancy!

Inside Alice Winter's mind, Zatanna discovers a memory from eighty years ago where Alice was sick and an old woman named Asa was tending to her. So you know, she discovers some stuff that she could have figured out just by making some tea and asking Alice a few simple questions. Ugh, that sounds like work! I'd do the magic as well.

I guess Alice was the girl in the mirror previously because now Asa is in the mirror and she's watching Constantine fuck three women at once. How many penises does he have? I never find out because Asa pulls him into the mirror to explain her current problem.

Shocker! Turns out he really can't leave.

A sentient cosmic nothingness attacks John and Asa in the land behind the magic mirror. I think I've met that cosmic nothingness before! I'm pretty sure my sister dated it in high school! No wait. I don't think I could categorize that bit cosmic of nothingness as sentient.

John and Asa return to The House of Mystery so that Asa can get back in her body. Zatanna and Swamp Thing believe Alice Winter is the victim and refuse to allow Asa back in. So will there be a huge magic battle or will a rational dialogue take place? I know which one is easier to write! And, as such, I'm placing my bets on the magic battle!

Once again, not enough time to explain but there will be plenty of time to battle! Fuck you, J.M., and every other writer that keeps pulling this old fucking trope. I need to practice swearing at J.M. DeMatteis since I'm going to read Larfleeze next.

During the battle, Asa tries to reenter Alice. But Zatanna jumps in the way and winds up the living vessel of The Nightmare Nurse instead of Alice. Now the Nurse is going to have to give all of her prescriptions backwards.

Is she casting the spell "ON" or just saying "NO"?

Justice League Dark #31 Rating: No change. For a 22 page comic book, nothing much fucking happens. The cliffhanger ending can pretty much be guessed at by the cover by even the most Amateur Comic Book Readers out there. A slight House of Mystery mystery was dropped in the middle which I ignored because it didn't go anywhere. It just did that comic book thing where somebody says, "I know this!" Then somebody else says, "Yes? Yes?! Explain!" And then the first person goes, "I can't remember!" What a hook! I can't wait to find out what the thing I don't even know is winds up being! This was just one more mediocre DC Comic book that wasn't fun enough to read because it was so awful and it wasn't mind blowing enough to ruin my pants because it was so good. I think I was more bored reading it than I was staring at the wall and digging in my ears.

Red Lanterns #31

Because Guy Gardner gets pants. #YesAllWomen

Judge Red is on the loose and I think she needs a theme song. But the only theme song bouncing around in my head is from What's Happening and it doesn't have any lyrics. And since I can't parody music without being able to change "love" into "drugs" and "you" into "Jew", I'll just have to let the What's Happening? theme song stand on its own as the song playing in my head whenever Judge Red appears on the page. Hopefully you'll enjoy that experience now as well!

In the last issue of Supergirl, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr were about to convince Judge Red that they were the coolest gang in the universe and that the other gang of Reds were total putzes. Supergirl had gone off to fetch her tub of blood in the hopes that a nice long soak would make Judge Red less insane. We now continue with "I am the Law Unless That Title Will Get Us Sued and Then the Story Should Just Be Called 'Law. I Am It.'"

This issue begins with Judge Red judging Atrocitus which Dex-Starr does not care for.

If my cats could make constructs, I'm fairly certain I'd wake with this on my face every morning.

Cats are tiny and fuzzy and adorable and we outweigh them by hundreds of pounds and yet I still laugh every time I see somebody shopping for only cat food at three in the morning. If these fuckers had power rings, humans would be done for.

While Atrocitus thinks telling Judge Red that he made her and thus she owes him everything is a good approach to winning her over, Supergirl informs Guy Gardner that she has a plan. But she doesn't have time to tell Guy the plan because fuck Guy Gardner and his pants. Guy has more material in his upturned collar than Supergirl and Bleez have in their outfits put together! I do like that Supergirl has a mask though because it's adorable. Although Bleez has one to. Why do female Red Lanterns have to hide their faces?

Supergirl's plan is to rip the back storeroom full of Blood Lake Blood out of the Kaalvar Interplanetary Bar and rip it open over Judge Red's head. I know that in previous issues, Red Lanterns were submerged for fairly decent periods of time before they had their sanity restored. I'm not sure how effective raining blood down upon Judge Red's head will be. Or what kind of side effects the blood will have on everybody else it lands on.

Luckily Supergirl will never have to find out how many lives the Blood ruins. The opposite of luckily, Atrocitus now has a bar storeroom full of a substance that he can draw immense power from. Although Judge Red already took a few hits from the blood before Atrocitus began controlling it. So hopefully she's currently becoming sane enough to realize the cute little kitty is more evil than the adorable Kryptonian bum.

As long as Atrocitus can't suddenly make Kryptonite, I think Kara has this.

When Gardner saw Atrocitus controlling the blood, his first suggestion was to retreat. Now when Atrocitus sees Supergirl set fire to the Blood Ocean causing a huge bloody firestorm tornado cyclone swirly thing, his first suggestion is to retreat. These fucking Red Lanterns have got no spines! They can dish the angry holier than thou righteous fury but they can't sit down and enjoy a plate of it served up from somebody else! There must be an easier way to say that.

Look at that! Another person who can't enjoy a three course meal of her favorite dish, Hitting People in the Face.

I wonder what Twat Lobo is up to right now?

Skallox comes through with a little Blood Magic of his own and with the help of holding hands, he puts out the fire and sends the blood back up into the sky and somewhere else. Maybe it's back on board the Kaalvar Bar and Grill. After that disaster is averted, Guy Gardner comes up with a new plan. It's one of Superman's favorite plans.

Batman likes this plan a lot too.

Before Charles Soule can prove he can write a decent fight scene, Atrocitus mentions Rankorr's name and things devolve into conversation. Again! Fuck! Can't this Soule do any real comic book writing? Why doesn't anybody fight in his comic books?! What a hack!

Anyway, Atrocitus offers to trade Rankorr for Judge Red without any fighting at all. And Guy seriously considers negotiating with this monster. But Judge Red interrupts with some sane words. She feels she knows what Atrocitus wants and now she must learn what Gardner wants. So she, of her own volition, chooses to stay with Supergirl's Bum. The Cat and the Teeth decide to take their leave.

At least Rankorr will still be more useful alive than dead after this confrontation.

Guy's next plan is to rescue Rankorr. That's why Rankorr is still useful! As bait for the trap!

Red Lanterns #31 Rating: +2 Ranking. How did this become the best Lantern book?! Although I say that as somebody who has never liked Hal Jordan because he always reminded me of the popular kids in high school that would treat me kindly and not make fun of me at all and just go about living their own lives while not hurting or humiliating anybody else. The self-righteous jerk!

Nightwing #30

Is this issue going to begin in a cemetery fake burying Dick Grayson?

This issue begins in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I've said it before and I'll say it again and then I'll probably forget I said it two times already and I'll say it once more before probably saying it a few more times later but the name "Democratic Republic of Congo" is trying way to hard to sound like a free country! The name of the issue is "Un Cheval Pale" except the "a" in "pale" has a little carrot arrow thing on top of it. I think that punctuation mark is called "the beanie." It probably causes the "a" to be pronounced as if you were choking on a load of snot slowly sliding down the back of your throat. This issue is called that because a load of killers and assassins roam the Democratic Republic of Congo tuering and assassinering gens. They call themselves Die Faust Der Kain because the title was too French and they wanted to not only create mort people but also Totes! And pale horses and fists of Cains are pretty good signs that death is coming right at you!

Gross! I guess they liked to fick the corpses in le cul!

Doctor Thompkins is rescued by a Hannibal's Secret model with purple wings and no bra. She takes her to be interrogated by a man with a face like quicksand. She tells them about a seminal moment in her life involving a young child and his dead parents. Don't worry! Seminal has nothing to do with sex like it might sound! At least not in the way I used it! I didn't mean she had a moment in her life that was covered in semen involving a child and his dead parents. That might fly over in an Image comic book but DC is all about family entertainment and dead sidekicks! She also believes she might have told these people too much! And that could be bad since they work for Spyral.

This is why Alfred usually murders people who discover Batman's secret identity. Alfred's motto is "What Batman doesn't know can't hurt him, but what other people know, can." It's actually half motto, half rationalization for his love of serial killing.

Later, Alfred's fucking heart is broken because Batman won't let him in on the secret that Dick Grayson didn't die. Bruce, you're a monster! You might think you're protecting Alfred and Dick by convincing everybody Dick is dead, but what you're really just doing is destroying him. You're destroying yourself and your relationships! Remember how often keeping things from the people closest to you worked out when they discovered you were keeping things from them? In seventy five years, I'd be able to count how many times it worked on my fingers even if I'd been in a major farming accident with an augur and lost both hands! But that's why, as I mentioned in a previous commentary, Bruce's motto (he has one too!) is "Keep your friends in the dark and your enemies in Arkham."

Batman and Dick spar without any shirts on and everybody that is into two hot, sweaty guys wrestling without any shirts (I'd estimate that's about 98% of everybody) say, "Homina homina homina." Then, even though they're curious to find out what kind of mission Batman has for Dick that needs him to stay dead, they go and relieve their sexual tension in whatever their favorite way of relieving sexual tension is (I'd estimate 98% of the 98% rubbed a cat on their genitals).

Batman wants Dick to remain dead and infiltrate Spyral.

And it must be really important to him because the Batmobile isn't the only thing smashed in the sparring. Damian's Robin Suit Memorial. The Batplane. A giant die. The Batcycle. A question mark. A bunch of computers. Even the dinosaur loses some teeth.

Not only does Batman not care that Alfred's heart is breaking, Batman doesn't care that Alfred is going to have to clean up this fucking mess! I bet Alfred discovers some of Dick Grayson's blood as he's cleaning. And since Alfred has tended the wounds of Dick and Bruce and Jason and Tim for more years than he can count (he's getting old and can't count very high anymore), he'll probably recognize it immediately. "Why, that's Master Grayson's blood! I'd know those erythrocytes anywhere!"

Dick eventually agrees to infiltrate Spyral. But not because it will save the heroes from having their identities exposed. And not because Batman asked him to do it. He'll do it so he can hide from Dan Didio. Maybe if he's in a comic book called "Grayson," he'll be able to fly under the radar and Didio will stop going around trying to get him killed off.

Grayson goes around the world taking out members of The Fist of Cain until Spyral notices him and recruits him. They know he was Nightwing and now they have use for him. Somehow. Maybe they need circus entertainers for a festival.

Nightwing #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. It was a fitting end to the story that was being told. Hopefully Dick will find friends in Spyral that will make him happy! I don't like that Nightwing won't be interacting with the rest of the super heroes of the DC Universe. I doubt that will last long though. Secrets never keep in the DC Universe. They just remain secret when the story needs them to be secret and then they're not secret at all when a writer forgets they're supposed to be secret. It gets a little confusing when DC creates a bunch of covert, black ops organizations but everybody fucking knows about them all. Let's see how long they can keep Dick and Task Force X secret now that they've rebooted them! My guess is two months! And not starting with their next first issues! I mean starting now!

Suicide Squad #30

It's nice to see King Shark's flushing didn't take.

I don't know why this issue of Suicide Squad was even needed. Perhaps it's time for DC to bring back the policy where they just fucking pull the rug out from under a creative team and tell them to hang up their shit, the gig's over. This last issue and Nightwing's last issue are both completely new creative teams, so I guess DC felt that some final Forever Evil plot threads needed to be tied up before they shitcanned these books. Suicide Squad has simply never found an identity that worked. It's mostly been garbage, treating the characters in it like garbage, and really just riding Harley's popularity for thirty issues. This book has been a stinker.

I hate saying that, too! I absolutely loved Ostrander's Suicide Squad. I even loved Giffen's short-lived run that was released sometime around the turn of the millennium. But this version seems to have been poorly thought out and rushed to press simply because DC wanted a Suicide Squad book for The New 52. Hopefully now it will remain cancelled until somebody can come up with a really good pitch for a new series and good reason to bring the team back. Give them a fucking purpose aside from dealing with Amanda's personal vendetta's against Regulus and Basilisk. Fuck, that Basilisk shit was poorly planned out as well.

The issue begins with the government of the United States of America encouraging Black Manta to kill Aquaman with a sly nudge and a wink.

What is wrong with Black Manta's voice?

Amanda Waller is in Washington, D.C. to be fitted with a government buttplug. She's bent over at a congressional hearing, sized up, measured, fitted, and spit back out into the system, confused for possibly the first time in The New 52.

Floyd Lawton has his mustache back although he's chosen to go with a look that says "I'm the douchiest date rapist in the Fraternity," a Van Dyke/Soulpatch combo. He's being transferred to a new prison along with a couple of guys that I might be the only one frothing at the anal glands to see: Coldsnap and Shakedown! Those guys were in the Masters of Disaster! Coldsnap mentions how their ladies are still free and are going to break them out! That means we might get the first appearance of New-Wave, Heatstroke, and Windfall! I hope Windfall especially appears. Even though she's so young, I think it's okay for me to still have a huge crush on her because I had a huge crush on her when I was a kid first getting into comic books. That's not weird or anything! I'm just wallowing in nostalgia, not acting like a pedo!

Meanwhile, the Secretary of Defense has been assigned to make sure Waller's buttplug is nice and secure.

Why is that guy's desk so long? Is he overcompensating for the length of his buttplug?

This issue has completely revamped the Suicide Squad like DC needed to do to it two years ago. The members will now be completely secret and won't be seen as prisoners or have any ties to the United States. The missions will be to secure American interests while having no apparent ties to America. They will just be a bunch of super villains committing international crimes. And if those crimes just happen to help out the United States, who's going to notice except all the conspiracy theorists? And who's going to believe them since the term "conspiracy theorist" has become a way of dismissing people without having to counter their arguments or engage them in debate.

Meanwhile, Heatstroke and New-Wave are captured trying to break out their teammates. No Windfall to be seen though, dammit!

Black Manta tries to go out for a burger but when he orders, the server is all, "Why the fuck is your speech balloon all polarized and shit?" And Black Manta is all, "I'LL TAKE FRIES WITH THAT!" And then he bashes her face into the register for no reason whatsoever except to get arrested. You know, I kind of liked Black Manta when he was running around trying to kill Aquaman. Firstly, who cares if Aquaman gets killed? Good riddance! And secondly, Aquaman killed Black Manta's father for no fucking good reason! So Black Manta actually has as good a reason as any super villain out there to kill a super hero. But now that Black Manta has taken an innocent, underpaid fast-food clerk's face and smashed it through a cash register, I don't think I can like him anymore. In my book, the worst thing you can do is to treat like shit a person who gets treated like shit all the fucking time. When you yell at a clerk at a convenience store or a server at a fast food restaurant, realize you're in no way the first person to treat that person like shit. How dare you continue to make them feel like crap? Even if they love their job, they're still barely making anything and have to deal with assholes who didn't get their burgers put together the correct way. Now they have to deal with half of their teeth getting knocked out and a serious concussion?! Fuck you, Black Manta! Fuck you right in the polarized speech bubble.

Well, I guess admitting you have an anger problem is a decent first step to mend this bridge between us!

Do you think if I painted a mace green, I could convince people that I had a Green Lantern ring and the mace was a construct? It's the go to construct for most Green Lanterns, right?!

I'm almost through and King Shark hasn't appeared yet! You better get crackin' on his return, Sean Ryan!

Black Manta joins up with Task Force X, Amanda is back in place heading up the crew at Belle Reve (although with much less power and an uncomfortable foreign item lodged up her backside), Floyd Lawton is in a cell nearby, and The Masters of Disaster look like they're going to be some of the first casualties when the Suicide Squad relaunches with Issue #1. I don't know when that takes place but I sure hope it's fucking interesting!

Suicide Squad #30 Rating: +3 Ranking. I probably shouldn't give this issue a positive ranking since it's less like Suicide Squad #30 and more like Suicide Squad Volume Two (of The New 52!) #0. I like the direction it's headed in. I like that Deadshot and Amanda are still the foundation of the group. And I love that The Masters of Disaster have made an appearance although I'm sure at least one of them is going to die in the Squad's relaunch. Black Manta did a dick thing and I'm not happy with him right now! So he can go shit in his helmet for all I care. Hopefully Boomerang finds his way into the Squad as well. And since she has her own title now, I hope Harley Quinn stays out. She really didn't fit in with the Squad very well anyway, even if she was the only reason people were buying this series.

Batman Eternal #8

In this issue, Vicki Vale plagiarizes Lois Lane and wins a Goofy or whatever the fuck an award in journalism is called. An Inconsequential? A Dead Media? A Who the Fuck Cares Anymore?

I know what I'm talking about when I talk about dead media! I'm typing out words, aren't I? I'm rolling around in the stink of death simply by blogging. The age of the written word is dead! Nowadays it's all about rambling incoherently in front of a webcam or a microphone to later edit down the rambling into somewhat coherent rambling featuring all the best bits of near non-nonsense. Also, you need two or more people because it's easier to dialogue than to monologue. No matter how much a person pimps reading over viewing, that person is lying by how much they pimp reading over viewing. Reading on a phone is much harder than listening to a podcast or watching a vlog on a phone. Also, multitasking is impossible while reading. Actually, multitasking is impossible while doing anything but nobody is going to believe that because everybody is a narcissistic asshole that believes the busier they are, the more interesting they are. What multitasking actually does is make somebody do barely competent work on two things. Just try to remember a conversation you had with somebody while you were busy doing some other thing. Can't do it. But if you can, then you won't remember whatever the fuck you were doing while talking. You can multitask if one of the two tasks you've been doing so long you can now do by rote. But if you're reading and doing something else, it's like you never even read what you read. Sure, you can tell people you've now read War and Peace. But you'll never be able to discuss it coherently.

I think I was multitasking while writing that last paragraph because it seemed to have wandered away from whatever fucking point I was trying to make. On the plus side, I had a really shitty conversation with somebody I can't remember about something really important to them. Good times!

Oh! I remember what I was saying (I suppose I could have reread what I wrote to figure it out but who has time to reread things they've written? What am I? Some kind of self-congratulatory egomaniac?)! Writing is dead! So why do I keep doing it? I'll tell you why! Because I'm not dead and I need to fill these endless hours of ennui with some kind of fucking activity!

Currently in Batman Eternal (while you're reading this, pretend an androgynous figure with a perky haircut and slightly off-kilter cuteness is speaking it with their face jammed right up near the lens while lots of old horror movie posters and science fiction books and old action figures (uncarded!) fill up the shelves in the background), Batman Eternal (is that his new name? I guess so! It's on the cover!) is giving Falcone serious gas.

Those are some sharp fucking sideburns!

But Batman's just pushing rope all over Gotham. When Batman busts Falcone's men and ties them up for the police, the police merely let them go because the new Commissioner Forbes won't be a party to vigilantism. Also Falcone is paying Forbes good money to do whatever Falcone wants and Batman isn't paying Forbes any money at all. What Batman needs to do is steal everything that Falcone's men are stealing and stick it in a Batvault. Take as much of the local economy out of the economy and keep it for himself until Falcone falls. Don't let Falcone get a whiff of currency. Bruce can have Alfred tag it all and keep a database detailing what belongs to whom so that it can all be returned once things are back to normal, minus a percentage fee for safe keeping, of course. He should also be taking fingers! Batman has no problem severely maiming people, right? He should be cutting off a finger from every criminal he catches! Secret Origins said he wants to shock his enemies! I think wearing a necklace of fingers would be pretty shocking!

Bullock should at least pay some kids to throw bricks at them.

Falcone's men might not be in danger of being arrested but Falcone is still upset that his men are being hampered by The Batman. So he's setting a plan in motion that will teach Batman that Gotham is no longer his sexual partner. Gotham belongs to Falcone now. Except Batman has already had multiple people try to teach him this lesson. Bane. The Court of Owls. The Riddler. The Red Hood. The Penguin. Talia al Ghul. What makes Falcone think he's going to be any better at teaching The Batman? Batman's test scores in the subject of Gotham City Doesn't Belong to Batman are horrendous. Although will this lesson be the lesson where Batman is tied to the Bat Signal and Batman Eternal begins? No, that lesson began with "The End" and I don't think this weekly shit is anywhere near ending.

Falcone and Forbe's plan to stop Batman is to turn on the Batsignal and wait for him to appear on the roof.

After which all of the police will unload their shotguns, killing all of the other police unloading their shotguns across from them.

Jason Bard blows the capture on purpose by having one unit fire smoke grenades. Not only does it help Batman escape, it probably saves a bunch of lives before the police panic and begin accidentally killing each other. At least Batman learned he has a new friend on the force. Later, Batman decides to go on vacation in Hong Kong for a bit. But that's where Catwoman is vacationing! I thought they had decided to take separate vacations ever since Batman revealed that he's emotionally unavailable and only ever wants to see Catwoman when she's not robbing things and horny.

Batman Eternal #8 Rating: No change. This is probably the part of the "review" where I "review" the actual comic book. But I keep trying to remind everybody that this isn't a review site! This is where I read comic books and make fun of them as much as I can! If I was actually reviewing these things, I might offer one or two of them a reach around once in awhile while trying to convince them how special they are. Oh wait! I just thought of some things that Batman Eternal would probably love to hear while I am servicing it from the rear with my Bane Strap-on: "Welcome to Gotham. It's going to be a wild ride!" and (just a second as I hit the venom release button...AAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHH HERE I COME!) "Promises to redefine Gotham City as we know it." and "Has the potential to go down as one of The New 52's best ventures." I totally didn't plagiarize those from Lois Lane!