Detective Comics #27

This is a big comic book! It must have thousands of jokes inside of it!

This issue of Batman: Detective Comics contains seven jokes. We will begin by reading the first joke. It is called "The Case of the Chemical Syndicate." That does not sound particularly funny. It sounds like a mystery! Some mysteries are funny though! Like the one called Murder By Death. That one is very funny. At least it was very funny when I was twelve years old. Perhaps it is not as funny now as it was then.

The joke begins with Batman interviewing himself. The first question that Batman asks Batman is, "Why do I do this?" He has a very funny answer for this question! He does it so that nobody else has to witness their parents shot down in cold blood in a moonlit alley full of rats and garbage. That is not the funny part. This is the funny part:

Ah! But you would not do it as well, would you?

Perhaps Bruce would be just as good a Batman if he were poor as if he were rich. Did he not travel the world learning everything he could learn without touching any of his family money? Sure, he always knew he could pick up the phone and Alfred would arrive to save the day with a pocket full of cash and some Toblerone. And it was probably easier to learn how to defeat hundreds of opponents in the pit of death without killing any of them when you knew you had a really big house with a super comfy bed waiting for you at the end of it. I think without money, Bruce would still have been a good Batman. But without his good looks and his charms (by charms I mean succulent penis)? That's a wholly different matter. How would he have learned secret assassination and poisoning skills if he had not been able to seduce all of the top women assassins in the world? He would not have learned them! He would have been arrested for sexual harassment.

Batman continues to answer his own question because he cannot get enough of hearing himself speak.

That is a stereotype and probably racist to boot.

Batman faces a lot of criminals that are not cowardly nor are they superstitious either. Or neither maybe. Perhaps that is why Gotham seems to be so full of lunatics. It is because the regular criminals have been scared out of town by the rumors of a crazed man that roams the night breaking people's bones. Batman believes they are scared of his bat-like appearance. But the thing they are really terrified of are the medical bills.

Batman finds himself on a case hunting down some guy killing partners of the A.C.E. Chemical business. But the two partners that are left get their speech balloons mixed up halfway through their conversation and it's really fucking confusing. Hopefully Batman is smart enough to straighten things out right after he crashes through another skylight.

Perhaps Batman will also find out who stole some of his Narration Box Bat Symbols and decided to give those answers I've been scanning in because the next one Batman says is, "I do it because it secretly thrills me." That doesn't sound like something Batman would admit to! Also, Batman's Narration Boxes have been in dark grey and have not been funny at all. The yellowish Narration Boxes have been full of jokes so they could not be by Batman. Not one of them. Perhaps they are by somebody that goes by the name Mr. Jokes?

See? The Gray Boxes are not funny at all. The other box is kind of funny. If you think about it and somebody explains the joke to you later.

Batman saves the innocent guy and doesn't let the guilty guy get away so I guess it wasn't a very tough choice after all. Batman kicks the guilty guy into a vat of chemicals and completes his crazy journal entry. It is his first entry in his Bat-Diary so I guess that is why it is so funny. This was before Batman remembered he was not supposed to have a sense of humor. But he would learn that it is nothing to laugh about. I don't know what "it" is but believe me, it is not funny. Not at all. But the guilty man that later climbs out of the chemical vat thinks it is funny! He thinks everything is funny! Ha ha! It is all a big laugh! Life! The universe! The chaotic randomness of existence! Oh ha ha! You can only laugh at such things!

Also, this story makes no sense because it is not The New 52 Joker's origin at all! Not even close! It is an old origin of The Joker! This is a story from another world and another time! It is from Preboot Earth! No, no! It is from Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth! It is a big fat lie! That must be why they got a writer that looks like Lex Luthor to pen this story! So that nobody would believe it. They would read it and say, "Is this a true joke?" And they would look at the guy who wrote it and they would laugh. They would say, "Ha ha! I get it! Lex Luthor is a liar!" And then they would read the next joke in the book which is called "Old School."

You can tell the next story is also a Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth because it is full of Ben-Day Dots and the criminals are carrying bags with dollar signs on them. Since Jim Lee and Roger Liefeld and Kirk McFarland showed everybody how to scribble lines all over everything, most comic book artists have given up using Ben-Day Dots. And banks have not given out cash in bags with dollar signs on them since the early sixties.

Robin is distracting the criminals with his sexy cheesecake pose.

After the criminals manage to outrun Batman and Robin, Robin learns that Batman films everything that happens with a tiny camera on his belt. Oh ho! Robin sighs a sigh of relief that the internet has not yet been invented yet or else Batman might post some inappropriate videos of Robin changing into his costume. Not to mention other things that I won't mention because the law frowns on pedophilia fan-fiction and I am not interested in writing any of that anyway even if I was going to say, "Ha ha! It was all a big joke!" afterward. I would feel like a criminal myself if I described Robin's throbbing boy member and what Batman would like to do with it. Besides, Batman and Robin's friendship is entirely platonic and I would not like to join the camp of people who think otherwise because they are gigantic jerks sullying the reputation of two great heroes.

I have more clues that this story is from the Pre-Crisis on Preboot Earth if you needed any more! Batman's camera is not digital at all! And he does not have a Bat-Computer to do his work for him! Instead, he must call Commissioner Gordon and have him do the research! Also Batman gets called "mack" and that is a bad word from the olden days that nobody uses anymore. Even The Penguin happens along to point out that Batman and Robin need to update their schtick because they keep telegraphing their moves by speaking them!

But then the Scarecrow comes along and says, "I can read your thought bubbles, you jerks!" So that is what this story is all about! It is the origin of the Narration Boxes! I hate this story. This is not a funny story at all. It is a bad story! It is a very bad story!

Eventually Batman wakes up because it was not just a bad story, it was also a bad dream! Too bad I cannot wake up from it as well!

The next joke is called "Better Days" and it takes place when Batman is seventy-five years old. Or older. Or younger. But probably the first one.

Why is Damian using Alfred's head as a belt buckle? Is nobody else upset about this?

Bruce's guests are Dick Grayson and Tim Drake and Babs Gordon and Alfred Pennyworth and Damian Wayne. They must have forgiven him for telling The Joker all of their secrets. I wonder if The Joker will bring a present?

The fourth joke is called "Rain." I think I know this joke! "Knock knock!" "Who is there? Is it you? The person I have been waiting for to return my love? Is it the person that makes my heart race and the tears to fall? Is it you?" "No, it is only shadows on my doorstep. It is only cloudy images on my window pane. It is only rain."

Except that joke does not have Batman in it, so I might be wrong. Let us see if their joke contains The Batman!

Oh! It does have Batman! And it is a very funny joke indeed! See Batman save the psychopath?! See! See!

Also, the previous joke was supposed to be called "Hero" in the Table of Contents but then it was not called that at all.

The fifth joke is called "The Sacrifice" and it stars The Phantom Stranger. He is not very funny anymore. He played a big prank two thousand years ago and that was the last joke he ever made. He said, "Why are you not laughing Jesus? Don't you think it was a funny kiss? Can you not take a joke, Jesus?" And Jesus said, "Forgive them for they know not what they laugh at." And Judas said, "Oh boy! That prank really took a wrong turn, didn't it? I think I'll see you guys later!" And the Romans said, "No, do not go Judas! This was the best joke we've ever heard!" And the Hebrew People said, "That was it? That was your joke? We do not buy it. I think we shall wait around for a better joke than that."

The Phantom Stranger has decided it is once again time to get back on the joke-telling horse. So he comes to Batman and says, "Stop me if you've heard this one before."

Batman has heard it before! Stop, Phantom Stranger, stop!

The Phantom Stranger does not stop! He tells the joke anyway. But he forgets the punchline and tells it incorrectly. He tells it so badly that The Batman hates this version even more than the original version! This new joke must be very bad if Batman prefers the punchline that goes, "Thomas and Martha Wayne get shot in the head and die. Ha ha!"

The Phantom Stranger has not told a joke in so long that he ruins it by explaining it at the end.

Oh Phantom Stranger! Do not spoil the joke! Do not explain why it is funny!

The next joke is called "Gothtopia" and I think this is the most important joke in the book since it is being told by the regular creative team and it is also the name of the big crossover prank that DC has come up with. In this one, Pamela Isley who is also sometimes called Poison Ivy is yelling at the citizens of Gotham to wake up. It seems she is the only one that realizes Gothtopia, America's Safest City, should not be this at all! It should be Gotham City, Stuff of Nightmares! Although even if she sees the truth, why would she want it back? Old Gotham City was horrible! In Gotham City, Batman's sidekick was a skinny little boy. But not in Gothtopia!

Now that's what I call a sidekick! Mrowwr!

Batman's new sidekick is called Catbird and it is, fairly obviously judging by the excitement in my loinal area, Selina Kyle. She and Batman have the type of relationship that Tim Drake would be super jealous about if he ever found out.

Well, maybe not exactly that type of relationship.

Batman captures Poison Ivy and sends her off to be punished by Commissioner Sionis. So I guess the Black Mask is somehow mindcontrolling every lousy citizen in Gotham except for Poison Ivy. That's a good joke both on everybody and on Poison Ivy! Ha ha! Look at how confused Poison Ivy is! She must feel so alone and afraid. That is really funny when you can point at somebody else feeling like that and say "Ha ha! I am glad that is not me!"

Batman and Catbird help keep the city safe by going from fake accident to fake accident. You can tell the accidents are fake because one of them is reported as an ice cream truck jackknifing on the interstate. That is silly! Ice cream trucks are incapable of jackknifing! Silly Batman! Silly Gothtopia! Sexy Catbird!

The current mayor is The Penguin, so he might be in on this joke as well. Barbara Gordon is Bluebelle and Kate Kane is Brightbat and Dick Grayson is The Gothamite and Luke Fox is Flying Fox and Dinah Lance and Strix and Condor are The Wings of Truth. And everyone is happy and everybody laughs and laughs all day long.

People in Gothtopia are very happy, so they are committing suicide at an alarming rate. It makes sense to Alfred and Selina but Bruce is troubled by all of the happy suicides. He decides to get himself poisoned by Poison Ivy on accident so that he can learn the truth. It is a good plan, The Batman! A very good plan! Except that it makes everybody else sad and they all stop laughing for the entire day. Now they must stop Batman from believing! They must make him believe the not-believing before he unbelieves them all and they begin to believe the beliefs that he's now believing! And that would ruin the entire joke.

Also, the Gothamite might not be Dick Grayson since he should be in Chicago. But I can't think whom it might otherwise be.

Batman allows himself to be captured because he does not want to hurt his friends. And he would hurt them because breaking jaws and bones is what he does best. So instead he is carted off to The Crane Rehabilitation Center where Killer Croc works as a security guard. It makes sense that The Scarecrow would be behind a big gigantic brainwashing joke like this. But are the other criminals in on it as well? Or are they just working with him? It is very hard to get madmen to work together but it sometimes happens.

Here is where I would scan the final two pages to show that the madmen are all in on the plan and Professor Pyg and Harley Quinn and Mr. Freeze are co-conspirators as well. But it's a double page splash and I'd probably break the binding on the book, so you'll just have to imagine it or buy your own copy or pirate it off of the internet. That last one was a joke! I do not approve of that at all! Not at all!

The final joke is called "Twenty-Seven." And I will keep it short. Batman learns how to replicate himself so that there is always a Batman! The end!

Detective Comics #27 Rating: No change. I feel like there should have been a bigger payoff at the end of this. Where was the punchline? Oh! I see it! Now that I've closed the cover! I see it! The joke was on me! There is the punchline! There it is! $7.99! That was a mean joke. Very mean.

Damian (Son of Batman) #3

Does Damian's world only consist of Gorilla-Villains?

Mmm! This comic book still smells great! I'm probably going to give myself a headache sucking in its wonderful aroma! How does DC do it? How do they get so much wonderful smell into a comic book for only $3.99!? If this is what Demeter's Book Fragrance smells like, I should really stock up on it! I currently have their Firefly fragrance but it doesn't smell anything like the Old West in Space.

Damian (Son of Batman) #3 Rating: No change. Issue three smelled no better or worse than the previous issues!

Superman Unchained #5

Is Blue Kryptonite like Viagra?

Last issue, Superman was shot in the ass. I have a feeling that won't be dealt with in this issue at all. Also, Jimmy Olsen was given a Kryptonite Implant in his hand although Superman probably won't even notice since he always feels a little bit sick when Jimmy Olsen is around anyway. More importantly, other shit was going down. Really intense shit judging by the amount of lines Jim Lee has applied to everybody's faces. But it was overly complicated and involved guys in masks and dying blind monks and blue Kryptonite and the American military and I really don't want to get into it all. So hopefully y'all remember what was going on better than I do.

But before we get back to the main story, how about a flashback recounting how pervy Clark Kent was?!

Not that any growing boy (or grown man (or overgrown old guy)) wouldn't be using his X-ray vision on a daily basis. I mean, obviously we'd all respect everyone's privacy and never use it to act pervy ever!

In his flashback, Clark and Lana fall off the silo but Clark saves them by floating in midair. Which is odd because he actually won't be able to fly for many years later. Perhaps he can accidentally fly in times of stress but he never really learns how to control it. When he realizes what he's doing, he probably plummets to the ground. Luckily Lana has fainted so she doesn't get to learn his secret identity yet. Just wait until she learns about his X-ray Vision! Suddenly her mom's going to wonder why the fuck she's asking for lead-lined undergarments for Christmas.

Lois Lane was kidnapped by Ascension, and Wraith and Superman are on the hunt for her. But before they continue looking for her, Superman decides to take Wraith back to his place. He's really getting awfully chummy with this guy who already said he's going to kill him. Superman might be kind of stupid.

Lois has been kept alive by Ascension so that they can tell her their story and she can get a front page headline at the Daily Planet, impressing everybody except the one person she desperately needs to impress: her father. Speaking of her father, Sam Lane, he's the head of a top secret military branch called The Machine.

Look at that intense face on the leader! Jim Lee really is a master of the Art of the Scribbles!

After this speech, the leader of Ascension decides to reveal his true self to Lois Lane.

Isn't that the same guy? Shouldn't his facial scribbles be different?

Jonathan Rudolph's reason for attacking the world and the military and technology and just being a dick in general is because a crazy, senile old man told him crazy, senile things. At least Jonathan Rudolph spells his name better than Lois's boyfriend Jonathon Whats-his-name. Here's the problem with a senile person spouting crazed nonsense and truth: how the fuck do you know what's what? Well, apparently Jonathan here could tell. It was probably a certain clarity in his grandfather's eye. Or the fact that his grandfather wasn't pulling out his cock every few minutes while telling stories about The Machine. I guess it doesn't matter now if his grandfather was senile or not when talking about The Machine because Jonathan is reacting to it and trying to fuck everyone up now anyway. I wonder if his grandfather ever spoke about the Nazi Warwheel!

Due to Crazy Grandad's interference, Ascension has used the alien equation better than the American Military and created Earthstone, a crystal that allows them to control all technology created by the equation! This is because Crazy Grandad altered the formula and now only Ascension knows about Earthstone (which is the Blue Kryptonite that I figured probably wasn't Kryptonite and now I know what it is!). And they're going to use it to destroy technology so that man can start over and come up with everything they've already come up with but without help because that seems like a smart idea. I suppose they believe man isn't morally capable of utilizing the things they've created because they weren't allowed to mature before they created it themselves. Except being that Ascension is composed of humans, I suppose it's more likely that they want to destroy all the technology so that they can control it themselves and get all the patents for the new technology that comes out and be the biggest group of dicks (i.e. corporation!) in the world!

Meanwhile back in the past, Clark Kent is trying to remember how to fly.

Also, Ma Kent has made a new toothless friend. Oh, farm living! That's the life for me! I bet he lost that tooth and his penis in a horrible augur accident. Those fucking augurs should be outlawed! Maximum Overdrive shouldn't have been about semi-trucks! It should have been blood-thirsty augurs laying siege to that gas station!

The most unbelievable thing about Superboy comic books across decades of Superboy comics is that Pa Kent always had all of his fingers.

Ma Kent is young and attractive. As opposed to old and attractive like I'm used to! I wonder if Ma and Pa Kent were just young in The New 52 when they found Kal-el or they've gotten that serum from the aliens that made them young again!

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman shows off his impressive collection of alien weapons to Wraith. Well, the Needler isn't that impressive. His armory is probably the reason Superman brought Wraith back here. He's just comparing offensive cocks with Wraith. "Threaten me, will you bitch? Well, look at all the shit I've got to bring to our little duel."

Now I have to believe that Jor-el didn't just choose Earth but he specifically chose America? Then that means he chose Kansas as well! And who the fuck would do that to their own son?!

Man, that last caption was spoken like a true Native Californian! When I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska for a few years, you should have heard the reactions from all of my family and friends. It was like they thought I'd time traveled to the 1500s! I, of course, didn't want to lose my bias that the midwest was full of hicks, so I just pretended that the only reason everybody was normal and spoke with less accent than I did was simply because I was in a college town. You know the best part of moving to Nebraska from California? Like, you don't have to, like, here the word "like," like, ten times in every sentence! I did enjoy learning to call Coke "pop" although I never really took to calling grocery bags "sacks." Except now that I'm in Oregon, I often refer to them as sacks because language is an insidious virus where you believe that you can use it ironically but eventually it just becomes natural. I remember first hearing a clerk at a grocery store ask me if I'd like a sack and being completely perplexed. I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. And after realizing what they were referring to, the first thing I thought about was Jack Handey and his Deep Thought about always carrying around two sacks so that when somebody asks you to help with something, you can say, "Can't. Got these sacks!" And how I always pictured a guy walking around with potato sacks since that was the only way I'd ever heard that word used. But it finally made sense! The guy in the Deep Thought didn't look like a maniac at all! Just a guy out doing his shopping!

I don't know why Wraith is so wrapped up in America and its military especially. I'm guessing it was some kind of Manchurian Candidate level brainwashing. Too bad he didn't land in Canada or Jamaica. He'd sure have a different view of Earth if he had.

Wraith asks Superman to consider the future and how everybody is going to get old around him while he stays young. What the fuck is Superman? A vampire? I'd guess he'd be more like an over-tanner! All that yellow sun energy can't be healthy for a guy to absorb day in and day out. Anyway, people get older and shit while Clark continues to look fuckable.

The most unbelievable part of Clark's vision of the future is that newspapers still exist in 2024.

More than anybody on Earth, Wraith and Superman should be above national boundaries and religious differences and national identities based on cultural pride and arrogance. Wraith is just trying to pull Superman down into some nationalist bullshit that will just make him less effective when it comes to protecting the world. That might be the main difference. Superman is about protecting people; Wraith is about policing them.

Also, Wraith decides to pull a weapon off of Superman's wall and threaten him with it. What a dick.

Back in the past, Ma Kent gets shotgun-whipped while Mr. Colder prepares to blast the fuck out of Superboy. He's in for a big surprise! Although I bet Pa Kent beats the crap out of him before Mr. Colder ever finds out that Superboy is invulnerable.

And then Ascension decides this must be the 80s because they launch all the nuclear missiles in the world. All of them. Every single one! Because fuck it, you know? That'll teach them! Nobody knows who "them" is but Crazy Grandad couldn't be wrong, right? Things will be better this way! Instead of having a world controlled by people who are going to destroy it, just destroy the world yourself! Problem solved! I think.

And then in the past, Mr. Colder unloads his shotgun into young Clark. He screams something about no more hiding because, I guess, that was the entire theme of this issue. Somehow Superman is hiding. Sure, he's hiding if you think he ought to be following your agenda. But he's not. He's doing what he thinks is right and living his life the best way he knows how. He's got a complicated life and how dare everybody, from Wraith to Mr. Colder, try to tell Superman who he should be. They can all just go fuck themselves. Right in their own Goddamned faces.

Superman Unchained #5 Rating: No change. This comic book has too much America in it. It's making me uncomfortable. I especially like that Scott Snyder has basically created a Superman that would really be American as opposed to Clark Kent's version that America has accepted as its poster child for truth, justice, and the American Way. Wraith is the actual poster child for the American Way which really has no room for truth or justice.

Aquaman #26

This comic book hasn't been cancelled yet?

Who would have guessed the Aquaman Fanbase could support two years worth of an Aquaman series! Especially since they've mostly been getting the same old fucking stories they've always gotten! Except he didn't get a stupid new uniform, so that's a change in a normal Aquaman reboot. He did get a beard for a bit but his evil twin got the fucking hook. And he hasn't been riding gigantic seahorses (at least not personally) nor has he been defeating undersea villains with Twinkies. But he has battled for the throne of Atlantis and he's fought with his brother Orm and he's had to deal with ignorant land dwellers and he battled whaling ships. What more is there? Hopefully Jeff Parker has some new Aquaman stories ready to go! And I hope they're funny! And I hope we get to see Aquaman in a fucking suit. Maybe a suit is too casual for somebody who's used to wearing Royal Atlantean Battle Armor everywhere he fucking goes.

The issue begins with the Yellow Submarine penetrating deep into the Atlantic Ocean's nether regions. Holy shit, I just got horny! Now I'm hoping when Aquaman appears, he'll be in a Speedo! With one extra high pressure testicles sticking out. I wonder if Aquaman's balls hurt when he walks around on land? They're used to the high pressures in the depths of Atlantis, so wouldn't they be aching to burst in the lower pressures at sea level? I bet they swell right up! Maybe that's why Arthur constantly wears the battle armor! Perhaps it exerts a comfortable pressure across his entire body so he feels as if he's still under the ocean?

I was watching Dexter earlier and he used Arthur Curry as an alias! Also I shouldn't have mentioned that I'm watching Dexter because people might be tempted to talk about it and drop spoilers all over the place. Well don't! If you've read my warning story about what happens to people that spoil shit for me, you'll know to keep your fucking trap shut! Gail Simone is really pushing the boundaries on her Tumblr by posting Batgirl and The Movement shit that I have to skip quickly past! I may just have to leer at her evilly next time I see her at a convention! Or maybe I should just read that shit as quickly as possible since I'm following her on Tumblr! I know how she is! Always self-promoting! Good for her. Self-promotion is the hardest part of being creative.

Oh! An explanation as to why Arthur's testicles behave normally on land!

The Yellow Submarine is eventually eaten by the Godzilla of Atlantis. I will call him Atlzilla because there's no way I could have come up with something easier to say. My fucking hands were tied. Atlzilla or nothing, really.

Some reporter named Evans is wandering around Amnesty Bay trying to get a story on Aquaman but everybody is too embarrassed to admit that he lives nearby. I wonder if the police chief has built a high-powered spotlight with a fish on it that he can shine into the ocean when he needs help with backed up toilets and, umm, other problems that you wouldn't want to waste an actual super hero's time with.

Down in Atlantis, Aquaman is failing to do his kingly duties (not sex! Bureaucratic nonsense!).

What do you mean by "that girl," Mera? You mean responsible and helpful? "Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you that you suck as the King of Atlantis but none of these other Atlantean losers is going to." Oh wait! I know what Mera means! She doesn't want to be his Goddamned Secretary!

Meanwhile the council adjourns once again without getting any business done because they apparently need the King of Atlantis to dot all of their fucking "i"s. Why the hell did Arthur decide to take on the job of King again? His dog must have had the smelliest farts ever if he wanted to get away from it this badly.

Oh man! I hope there will occasionally be Aquadog back-up stories!

So far in this issue, the art has been "enh" for me. Not "meh" though! I hate "meh!" I distinctly meant "enh!" But I really fucking love Mera's look in this panel. Aquaman's okay too. But Mera is pushing adorable here.

I suppose this is a different artist than the previous pages seeing as how there were a shitload of artists credited. Shitload being the appropriate amount of hyperbole for the more specific number "four".

Aquaman gets wind of Atlzilla off the coast of Greenland or Iceland or somewhere. I just read it last page and I've forgotten. Plus, I'm too lazy to turn the page back to fact check. But it doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, Lobdell and DeFalco spent months moving the base of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. between Antarctica and the Arctic and nobody fucking gave a shit! So I'm guessing it doesn't matter what country Atlzilla is about to fuck up.

Aquaman and Mera have devised a new way for Aquaman to travel. That's what's going on on the cover. That was a fucking weird sentence, wasn't it? Anyway, Mera does this low pressure thing that causes Aquaman to shoot out of the ocean like shit out of a hippo, sending him into orbit where he takes a look around, angles himself just right, and dives back down to whatever location needs the help of a guy that can speak with fish. I don't know why he doesn't just get on his Justice League communicator and tell Batman there's something Batman needs to take care of in Greenland. Or Iceland. Bah, Batman can figure it out.

Aquaman lands on the beast that looks like one of those crabmen from the Fallout games. Except it's super huge. Bigger even! So Aquaman fights it for awhile while Superman is busy making Rhubarb Soup for Wonder Woman. Where are the cosmic heroes of this sector when you need them? Where the fuck are the Red Lanterns?!

The Atlantean Council recognizes this beast as something called the Karaqan. The Greeks must have pidginized it into Kraken! Mera says the Xebel version of the mythic beast is Antiarhk. When I was twelve, I probably would have recognized what that's a reference to. But now that I'm older and more mature, I pretend not to know mythology because I'm into stocks and suits and not into flying kites and skipping and masturbating whenever the slightest breeze turns me on. Nope! No way! I take care of man business now! I shake hands and look people in the eye! I talk about portfolios and future investments! I score with the ladies in that way that ladies like! I think it involves fixing cars and paying for meals or something. I forget. It's late or else I'd really go into detail about my super promiscuous romantic life!

Supposedly the Karaqan was a guardian beast of Atlantis that could be controlled by Atlantean Royalty. Arthur doesn't know that but he tries to telepathically control it anyway. With strange results.

That white text on a lilac background is really hard to read. Unless that's lavender and not lilac.

Aquaman #26 Rating: No change. I'm not going to change the rankings on any comic books from here on out! They're all going to remain exactly where they are, day in and more days in! Unless they really move me in some way. I mean personally! They have to affect me in the same way that Slingblade affects me! Or the last paragraph in the novel Cujo! Or that moment when my tongue is in somebody's butthole and I just can't hold out any longer! Anything that makes me feel like one of those things will move up in rank! And anything that makes me think "Did Ann Nocenti write this?" will lose a rank! Also, I'll probably change my mind about all of this by the time I finish reading my next comic book.

Superman #26

More psychic shit? Did Lobdell run out of ways to challenge Superman as soon as he came onto the book so he's just going to resort to psychic shit and magic?

I am so fucking glad to be reading Superman #26! Krypton Returns was bad enough having to read it the first time! But I had to reread all of my commentaries on the story this last month and be reminded how awful the entire thing was. But that's in my past now. Finally and forever! Never again will I have to think about it! Except maybe when Krypton Returns Again!

This issue begins with Clark Kent cooking dinner for Wonder Woman in his apartment in Metropolis. No, no. I didn't mean Diana Prince. I meant Wonder Woman!

I'm not a genuis (heck, I can't even spell "genius!") but I'm fairly certain this is a bad idea, what with secret identities being important to some people and all that.

Seriously though. What the fuck is up with this? Diana doesn't have a pair of Capris? A cute little sun dress? Acid washed jean skirt? Why the fuck is she having dinner in her work clothes? Come on, Clark! This is your significant other! Let her keep a pair of sweats and a Mountain Dew T-shirt in one of your fucking drawers, you cock.

So none of the editors had a problem with this scene? Clark gets to be dressed like a regular fucking person while they have a nice evening in but Diana has to remain in her sweaty, disgusting fighting clothes? I'm sure there was a lot of rationalizing going on like how it's Clark's home and maybe Wonder Woman is really busy and a whole bunch of other bullshit that doesn't really make any sense. But the world knows that Superman and Wonder Woman are an item thanks to Clarkcatropolis.com (unless that story hasn't hit the digital presses yet. Still, Clark probably shouldn't be seen with Wonder Woman), so if anybody notices, they're going to think one of two things: Clark is Superman or Wonder Woman is throwing Clark a pity fuck. Maybe they might think one or two other things as well but I don't have time to think up what those might be. Perhaps Clark hired Wonder Woman to clean his apartment?

Luckily Lois Lane (who just now astrally projected herself into the Rhubarb Soup and the middle of the date) already knows Superman's secret identity because she gained psychic powers. I'm sure Scott Lobdell was sitting in his office one night jerking off to videos of dogs sniffing each other's butts when he was struck with a brilliant* idea (*brilliant in his own mind but not in anybody else's mind): Lois Lane would be the greatest reporter to ever live if she had psychic powers! He probably jumped up with his pants around his ankles while spraying his seed across his desk, over the walls, atop his Subway sandwich, and into his scotch (neat and on the rocks at the same time somehow). Of course Scott Lobdell wouldn't (couldn't?) realize that this entire idea undercuts Lois's true power as a reporter that will do anything to break a story and always seems to manage to get some groundbreaking ink. Is that journalistic jargon? "Ink?" It's hard to know anything about journalism seeing that it's a fucking joke career at this point in time.

Lois is going crazy in her coma because she's inadvertently reading all the minds. She just needs to hug Superman (astrally, of course!) in the middle of his date with Wonder Woman. Convenient!

She has a key but not a change of clothes? Does she have to sneak in and out of Clark's apartment so nobody notices? Does Clark spend most of the time with her playing Sega Hockey?

Superman has to help walk an astral projection home? This doesn't sound a bit iffy to you, Diana? I think Superman is getting a little mental poontang on the side! And not just from Lois! Don't forget he has Lana Lang living inside his head doing God knows what?!

Meanwhile over in Suicide Slum where "hope doesn't live," The Parasite has decided he's still really fucking hungry. And on the other meanwhile, General Lane is visiting Lois's useless body simply so he can tell her about one of Scott Lobdell's fantasy plot points that he doesn't really have any story ideas for but he thought up a number or glanced at a Tarot Card or his semen landed on a specific word in the open thesaurus he likes to masturbate into. This time his "vague reference for a future plot point" is called...THE TOWER!

Thanks for the information, Mister Lane! We'll see you whenever Lobdell gets around to your stupid ass fucking story! I bet they're doing Time Travel experiments in The Tower! Or it's a building from the future!

Now all of Lobdell's fans can rave about how much tension he's just created by dropping a hint about a future story arc that, according to Scott Lobdell's own words on how he writes stories, hasn't even revealed itself to Lobdell.

Oh! Oh! Look at the next page!

Fucking Clark Kent took the bait! Idiot.

I guess Lois can't reveal her psychic powers to her father or else he'll use her as a military weapon, so she just keeps quiet and dances about naked in his head.

After all the shit about Lois and Clark being best friends and Lois reaching out to Clark because she's scared, she threatens to fucking out Superman as soon as she's out of the coma. Holy fucking shit. She's a monster!

Jonathon decides to visit Lois but he's all sad and pouty because she happened to mention Superman when she was briefly out of her coma instead of sucking his dick. So now he doesn't believe she loves him at all and instead loves Superman. But Clark talks him down off his asshole pity ledge and assures Jonathon that Lois loves him. Although why the fuck would Clark Kent know that for sure? Because he's such a great reporter?

But after Clark helps boost Jonathon's esteem, he walks off feeling sad for himself because Lois doesn't love him and she's going to rat him out to the world to boot. I guess Wonder Woman isn't enough for him. And he's going to fuck up his own secret identity by dating Wonder Woman as Clark Kent anyway, so who cares what Lois does?

Clark heads home to do some research on General Lane while The Parasite wanders around the hospital looking to accidentally cure Lois Lane of her psychic ability. And also make her forget about Superman's secret identity!

Of course the Doctor Truth swam in God's eye! She's done omnithing and been omniwhere!

Superman has to cut his research short and head back to the hospital to battle Parasite. They have a fight consisting of some really hip and groovy meta-commentary and then a part where Parasite uses his freezing breath to freeze Superman but he doesn't say "cool" like you might expect but he says how hard it is not to say "cool" because that's hipper and groovier dialogue. And then he does a "this is where I get off" elevator joke which I don't think was ever hip and cool in my lifetime. Unless he meant "this is where I come in my pants" because he was so turned on smashing Superman straight down an elevator shaft. And finally Superman realizes Parasite is there to suck on Lois Lane for a bit. Superman wants to stop it although he might not try super hard because he really can't have her wandering around exposing his secret self to the entire world.

Superman #26 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to give it a good review simply because it isn't fucking Krypton Returns. Also, it actually had characters doing things that the characters wanted to do instead of being told something cryptic like "Save the Cheerleader. Save the World." and then reacting to that. So maybe it deserves at least a +1 Ranking? No, no. What am I thinking? It was still written by Scott Lobdell.

Talon #14

I can see right up Calvin's nose!

At the end of last issue, all hell was breaking loose at the Gotham City Orchard Hotel. The most surprising thing about it is that Batman was not involved. Nobody even invited him to the chaos even though he left explicit instructions that he be sent an invite. Here's hoping the entire building explodes, killing most of the cast of this comic book. The only person I hope doesn't die is The Gotham Butcher. Anybody else, including Calvin Rose, is expendable.

While Casey tangles with The Gotham Butcher, Calvin makes one of the biggest mistakes you can make in the entire history of making mistakes! He believes a child with one hand behind its back is innocent and not dangerous at all. Well, Calvin Rose, those that don't remember history are doomed to repeat it or something to that effect. It's your own fault if you want to ignore what happened to Julius Caesar, Charles Foster Kane, Sauron, and Jesus too! They also ignored the innocent kid with one hand behind his or her back and look where it got them!

"I went to Owl School and it only took a few months! While all my friends are working dead end jobs or still in school, I got a job right out of Owl School using my training to kill Talons!"

Little Sarah Washington, Valedictorian of Owl School, merely slits Calvin's throat. It doesn't kill him but it seems the Putrefying Serum that was injected into his system wasn't enough to kill him but was enough to disable his healing powers. So that slit throat could be trouble. She didn't slit his throat deep enough to severe the piano cords in his throat that enable him to speak, so it's really just a superficial cut. Sarah leaves with Grandmaster Flash so that The Butcher of Gotham can clean up. Except that bomb is going to go off and kill everybody soon, so The Butcher should probably just head out now. I'm sure everyone will die and the comic book will be over soon.

Casey decides that she doesn't want Calvin to die because she loves his undead penis going in and out of her cybernetic vagina, so she shoots The Gotham Butcher's arm off. Unless she shoots off the Gotham Butcher's arm. Whichever one is most grammatically appropriate.

She also shoots off some of his other parts, like his top part and his bottom part.

Casey and Calvin and Casey's thugs still have a bunch of Talon's to destroy. But Calvin has come up with a great three step plan! Step one: Set himself on fire! Step two: Group hug all of the talons. Step Three: Blow everybody up with a cryo-bomb! That's a pretty good plan because usually three step plans have one step that is just a bunch of question marks and another step that is just the word "profit" followed by an exclamation point. Two or three exclamation points if the creator of the plan is overly optimistic!

I suppose the setting himself on fire part of the plan was to keep him from being flash frozen by the cryo-bomb. But now Calvin Rose is a disgusting, melty, burning, throat-slit, moldy old walking corpse. He doesn't have much Talon left in him. Seeing him in such a state of disrepair makes me feel a little better about the Gotham Butcher being butchered.

Eww. Stop being so gross, Calvin. I don't even think Alfred can whip up enough tea to save you now.

Eventually Batman comes to save the day because Calvin Rose is only good at escaping. He can't solve problems. He can only run away from them. So Daddy Batman arrives to stop the bomb and to apprehend Sebastian Clark. Batman still has some questions for him like where the fuck did Lincoln March go? Maybe after Calvin turns into a soupy blob of blech, Lincoln March will return to be Gotham City's Talon! Which, I mean, really, Gotham City doesn't fucking need, does it? The Court of Owls have kind of overstayed their welcome being that they're all just a bunch of snobby bureaucrats anyway. Can't Batman turn them back into a nursery school rhyme and an Urban Legend?

You're going to fix that?! I think Casey must have lost both eyes.

Casey pleads with Batman to save Calvin's life as the serum begins to liquify him. I can understand that Batman's legend is so great that it would seem he's capable of miracles but I don't think he's a healer and he probably doesn't know any magic. Hell, Batman doesn't kill so he can't even put him out of his misery! What the fuck is Batman supposed to do? I guess he could shove him in the cryo-tank until somebody else can come up with a cure. Hopefully that will be never though because I think I've read enough stories about Calvin Rose. I'm good here. Check!

Oh fuck. Apparently I'm being forced to have dessert because Calvin Rose is all better three weeks later. Batman's big idea was to put Calvin on dialysis which removed the Death Serum and allowed Calvin's Talon power to regenerate his body. He even got back his face! Also, it might not have been Batman's idea. Batman may have just shrugged his shoulders and went home after Casey asked for help. But Bruce Wayne helped by buying Casey's father's company and putting her in charge!

Sebastian Clark wound up in prison. The Gotham Butcher began putting himself back together so he was locked up in a new cell in the Securitus Building which is kept at Absolute Zero. Or, you know, as close to absolute zero as they can get. I predict Wayne Enterprises goes bankrupt within the year trying to pay the power bill to keep The Gotham Butcher frozen at that temperature! Maybe they should just shoot his body into space and keep his head on the end of a pole in the Gotham Police Department's break room freezer. And finally, Sarah has begun attending Bat School which is the opposite of Owl School. Unless Lark School is the opposite of Owl School.

Finally finally (I should probably have planned my words better), Calvin Rose discovers that Casey Washington is being allowed to continue her organization that helps thugs leave criminal organizations and make better persons of themselves. Except she's been forced to change the name of her organization to Batman, Incorporated. Dark Ranger and Nightrunner are also still members. And everybody probably has to make sure they don't accidentally mention any of this to Commissioner Gordon.

Talon #14 Rating: No change. I am so Court of Owlsed out, I can't even finish thi

Batman: The Dark Knight #26

Batman Incorporated #14?

So in-between reading The Flash and picking up The Dark Knight, I cooked my cornbread muffins. I thought about putting an exclamation point at the end of that sentence but I'm not sure cooking muffins ever really needs an exclamation point. Perhaps if the subject of the sentence were different, an exclamation point would be called for. "My dead grandmother clawed her way through the gates of hell to cook me some cornbread muffins!" See? Much better. Oh, I should probably include the food shot since it's something I created and it desperately needs to be posted for posterity. The people of the future are going to want to experience all of the things their long dead God created.

My muffin tin that makes muffins shaped like asses is entirely appropriate.

Hopefully, the Clayface story arc is finally over now that he's been shoved into Arkham Asylum's version of a Betty Crocker Easy Bake and Highly Pressurized Oven. The cover doesn't really tell me anything except that it can't be true because Batman will never be chained! It's probably some kind of metaphor about taxes and how they're keeping Bruce Wayne from providing living wages to most of Wayne Enterprises employees. Thanks a lot, Comic Book Version of Obama!

The issue begins with a Mexican woman getting fired from her job of putting heads on angels. She also gets to the pharmacy too late to pick up the medicine which her baby needs. Also, I don't think she has enough money to buy it because she doesn't have a job. And then the baby dies and everyone is sad. And because of Sesame Street and the pharmacy being closed, all that keeps running through my head now is the word "ceh-rah-do!" "Ceeeeerrrrrraaaaaaadddddoooo!" "Cerrado!" "Abierto!" "Cerrado!"

This is only issue one of two so it looks like we're not going to get any dialogue for two full issues? This will be a quick read! Or maybe once the woman heads to the United States (probably Gotham!), we'll get some dialogue but she won't be able to understand it and she won't be able to respond. That way she's still voiceless but I'll feel like I didn't waste all that time learning to read just so I can look at stupid pictures! I want to show off my skills!

The woman's other child gets sick which is when she makes the desperate decision to leave her homeland and try her chance at America. But things go south while going north because the coyote or whatever they call the guy that takes the groups across the border double crosses them all and sells them out to The Masked Skull Gang! They separate the women from the children and the elderly because The Masked Skull Gang is probably into sex trafficking and/or age discrimination.

I could be wrong about this entire story though because without Narration Boxes, I'm thoroughly confused!

It could be I have the entire story wrong! The woman could have been working at a warehouse that creates actual angels. Then she inadvertently killed one which meant her child would be possessed by a demon. So the warehouse manager insists that she take the day off to deal with her demon child. But she arrives too late at the pharmacy to pick up the poison to kill the horrible monster. She comes back home to tell her family and weep in fear as the child curses them from the crib. Later they attend the funeral of her baby's first victim and while there, a man approaches her and says she should flee to Gotham. But she gets angry because there is nowhere to run from her demon child. Eventually her oldest child also begins succumbing to demonic possession because the woman must have gone back to work and killed another angel. She heads to the trash pile outside of town where God lives and asks him for forgiveness. God, of course, is a bald, tattooed man in a wife-beater. I'd normally call it a tank top but I think if the guy wearing it lives in a trash heap, you have to call it a wife-beater.

So God tells the woman there is nothing she can do. She must try to get her child as far away as possible before the child becomes completely possessed. So she loads up in a truck and heads to America. But on the way there, the truck is pulled over by America's Border Guard. Also it is Halloween which is why they have masks. They separate the adult women from the children and the elderly because they're all being taken to check out the Border Patrol's haunted house and it's too scary for small children and people with heart conditions. As the trucks are pulling away, the mother screams at them to kill her child because it has succumbed to the demon's will! But the guard thinks she's playing a Halloween prank so he smashes her in the face with the butt of his rifle because he hates Halloween pranks. The cars head off into the night.

While mother enjoys the haunted house, the children and elderly must prepare the Christmas decorations to be put up on the haunted house a few days after Halloween.

Grandmother is still trying to warn them about the devil child.

The mother is too frightened to visit the haunted house so she tries to get away. But she's forced back by gunpoint because she's going to enjoy the frightful festivities, dammit!

Meanwhile grandmother checks on the devil child and is perturbed that she still lives.

Grandmother is going to end this right the fuck now, by God!

While Grandmother tries to head out the window so she can find a weapon to kill the spawn of Satan, one of the border patrol tries to catch up to her to give her a knife. He believes her story unlike the rest of his coworkers! But he trips on some jingle bells on the ground and accidentally stabs her and knocks her out the window. Confused and disoriented from the fall, Grandmother wanders away into the night. The worker reports back to The Penguin who must be running the haunted house. He tries to explain how they have a devil child amongst them but The Penguin has a sudden panic attack from his Bat-related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and flips the fuck out on the guy.

Whoops!

Later, Batman finds the Grandmother dead on the street. In her hand, he finds a flyer for The Penguin's upcoming Santa's Workshop Themed House (not haunted!) and Batman gets really fucking pissed off because Damian would have loved to visit this but he can't because he's dead! And if Damian can't enjoy it, then fuck everyone! It's time to close this beloved yearly event down for good!

Batman pulls the fire alarm on the workshop preparing the decorations for the event and all the workers rush outside. When Batman runs inside to destroy everything, he finds the little devil girl praying for Jesus's head to explode.

Halo of light? More like Halo of Brains!

Batman realizes immediately how dangerous this little girl is so he takes her to a veterinarian to have her put to sleep. He watches from the window to make sure that she's been put on the drip that will ease her safely into oblivion without her realizing she's dying. If she knew what was happening, she'd destroy Gotham in hellfire!

By the time Batman has taken care of that problem, the Christmas Decoration Factory has recovered from the pulled fire alarm and they're back in business. This time, Batman decides to forgo the subtle approach and smashes through a skylight, raining explosives down on the warehouse to destroy all of the beautiful and heart-warming decorations that Damian would have loved so much! You know, as soon as Batman taught Damian to love Christmas which I'm sure he had almost done before Damian was killed. Who doesn't love Christmas?! Even I love Christmas and I'm a Goddamned atheist!

Batman destroys everything and beats up the staff while telling the children they'd better get the fuck out and find a new job if they know what's good for them! The kids run screaming into the night as more of Penguin's employees pull up for their shift to find Batman out front shitting all over their shit.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY YULE LOG, BITCHES!?"

The employees newly arrived on the scene have their tinsel guns handy (they're not actual weapons! They're just used for firing strings of tinsel over the house and large trees) and fire them at Batman, tangling him up in a web of glittery festivity. He's carted off, shoved in a cage, and kept away from The Penguin's Holiday House Extravaganza. Christmas is saved!

God bless us! Every one!

Batman: The Dark Knight #26 Rating: No change. I think I've gotten the gist of this thing! It could be I'm supposed to be learning some kind of lesson from it but I'm hard pressed to see what devil children and Penguin's Christmas Party have got to do with being voiceless!