Superman #26

More psychic shit? Did Lobdell run out of ways to challenge Superman as soon as he came onto the book so he's just going to resort to psychic shit and magic?

I am so fucking glad to be reading Superman #26! Krypton Returns was bad enough having to read it the first time! But I had to reread all of my commentaries on the story this last month and be reminded how awful the entire thing was. But that's in my past now. Finally and forever! Never again will I have to think about it! Except maybe when Krypton Returns Again!

This issue begins with Clark Kent cooking dinner for Wonder Woman in his apartment in Metropolis. No, no. I didn't mean Diana Prince. I meant Wonder Woman!

I'm not a genuis (heck, I can't even spell "genius!") but I'm fairly certain this is a bad idea, what with secret identities being important to some people and all that.

Seriously though. What the fuck is up with this? Diana doesn't have a pair of Capris? A cute little sun dress? Acid washed jean skirt? Why the fuck is she having dinner in her work clothes? Come on, Clark! This is your significant other! Let her keep a pair of sweats and a Mountain Dew T-shirt in one of your fucking drawers, you cock.

So none of the editors had a problem with this scene? Clark gets to be dressed like a regular fucking person while they have a nice evening in but Diana has to remain in her sweaty, disgusting fighting clothes? I'm sure there was a lot of rationalizing going on like how it's Clark's home and maybe Wonder Woman is really busy and a whole bunch of other bullshit that doesn't really make any sense. But the world knows that Superman and Wonder Woman are an item thanks to Clarkcatropolis.com (unless that story hasn't hit the digital presses yet. Still, Clark probably shouldn't be seen with Wonder Woman), so if anybody notices, they're going to think one of two things: Clark is Superman or Wonder Woman is throwing Clark a pity fuck. Maybe they might think one or two other things as well but I don't have time to think up what those might be. Perhaps Clark hired Wonder Woman to clean his apartment?

Luckily Lois Lane (who just now astrally projected herself into the Rhubarb Soup and the middle of the date) already knows Superman's secret identity because she gained psychic powers. I'm sure Scott Lobdell was sitting in his office one night jerking off to videos of dogs sniffing each other's butts when he was struck with a brilliant* idea (*brilliant in his own mind but not in anybody else's mind): Lois Lane would be the greatest reporter to ever live if she had psychic powers! He probably jumped up with his pants around his ankles while spraying his seed across his desk, over the walls, atop his Subway sandwich, and into his scotch (neat and on the rocks at the same time somehow). Of course Scott Lobdell wouldn't (couldn't?) realize that this entire idea undercuts Lois's true power as a reporter that will do anything to break a story and always seems to manage to get some groundbreaking ink. Is that journalistic jargon? "Ink?" It's hard to know anything about journalism seeing that it's a fucking joke career at this point in time.

Lois is going crazy in her coma because she's inadvertently reading all the minds. She just needs to hug Superman (astrally, of course!) in the middle of his date with Wonder Woman. Convenient!

She has a key but not a change of clothes? Does she have to sneak in and out of Clark's apartment so nobody notices? Does Clark spend most of the time with her playing Sega Hockey?

Superman has to help walk an astral projection home? This doesn't sound a bit iffy to you, Diana? I think Superman is getting a little mental poontang on the side! And not just from Lois! Don't forget he has Lana Lang living inside his head doing God knows what?!

Meanwhile over in Suicide Slum where "hope doesn't live," The Parasite has decided he's still really fucking hungry. And on the other meanwhile, General Lane is visiting Lois's useless body simply so he can tell her about one of Scott Lobdell's fantasy plot points that he doesn't really have any story ideas for but he thought up a number or glanced at a Tarot Card or his semen landed on a specific word in the open thesaurus he likes to masturbate into. This time his "vague reference for a future plot point" is called...THE TOWER!

Thanks for the information, Mister Lane! We'll see you whenever Lobdell gets around to your stupid ass fucking story! I bet they're doing Time Travel experiments in The Tower! Or it's a building from the future!

Now all of Lobdell's fans can rave about how much tension he's just created by dropping a hint about a future story arc that, according to Scott Lobdell's own words on how he writes stories, hasn't even revealed itself to Lobdell.

Oh! Oh! Look at the next page!

Fucking Clark Kent took the bait! Idiot.

I guess Lois can't reveal her psychic powers to her father or else he'll use her as a military weapon, so she just keeps quiet and dances about naked in his head.

After all the shit about Lois and Clark being best friends and Lois reaching out to Clark because she's scared, she threatens to fucking out Superman as soon as she's out of the coma. Holy fucking shit. She's a monster!

Jonathon decides to visit Lois but he's all sad and pouty because she happened to mention Superman when she was briefly out of her coma instead of sucking his dick. So now he doesn't believe she loves him at all and instead loves Superman. But Clark talks him down off his asshole pity ledge and assures Jonathon that Lois loves him. Although why the fuck would Clark Kent know that for sure? Because he's such a great reporter?

But after Clark helps boost Jonathon's esteem, he walks off feeling sad for himself because Lois doesn't love him and she's going to rat him out to the world to boot. I guess Wonder Woman isn't enough for him. And he's going to fuck up his own secret identity by dating Wonder Woman as Clark Kent anyway, so who cares what Lois does?

Clark heads home to do some research on General Lane while The Parasite wanders around the hospital looking to accidentally cure Lois Lane of her psychic ability. And also make her forget about Superman's secret identity!

Of course the Doctor Truth swam in God's eye! She's done omnithing and been omniwhere!

Superman has to cut his research short and head back to the hospital to battle Parasite. They have a fight consisting of some really hip and groovy meta-commentary and then a part where Parasite uses his freezing breath to freeze Superman but he doesn't say "cool" like you might expect but he says how hard it is not to say "cool" because that's hipper and groovier dialogue. And then he does a "this is where I get off" elevator joke which I don't think was ever hip and cool in my lifetime. Unless he meant "this is where I come in my pants" because he was so turned on smashing Superman straight down an elevator shaft. And finally Superman realizes Parasite is there to suck on Lois Lane for a bit. Superman wants to stop it although he might not try super hard because he really can't have her wandering around exposing his secret self to the entire world.

Superman #26 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to give it a good review simply because it isn't fucking Krypton Returns. Also, it actually had characters doing things that the characters wanted to do instead of being told something cryptic like "Save the Cheerleader. Save the World." and then reacting to that. So maybe it deserves at least a +1 Ranking? No, no. What am I thinking? It was still written by Scott Lobdell.

Parasite #1

This just looks like an advert for a Mexican candy called, "For, yes, you!"

I wrote a script for Parasite for Villains Month but DC rejected it. So I'm going to publish the first two pages here. I have no idea why DC rejected it! Jerkos!

Page One, One Panel
The Parasite is naked in a bathtub clipping his toenails with hedge clippers.
Narration Box #1: My name is The Parasite.
Narration Box #2: I was created from the burning worry of millions of apoplectic American citizens concerned about the sanctity of marriage.
Narration Box #3: Religious marriage, of course, although it didn't hurt my power levels that the idiots fucking thought that a religious definition of marriage should be upheld by the laws of the land.
Narration Box #4: Especially a land built upon a strong foundation of keeping religion out of the law books and the law books out of religion. Unless your religion called for the sacrificing of young children to your loving God by means of not giving them medicine that could easily cure fatal fungal foot infections.
Narration Box #5: That's just how I was conceived, though. There's much more to me than that.
Narration Box #6: As I said: My name is The Parasite.

Page Two, Four Panels
Panel One
A tiny purple cloud hovering over the head of picketers with signs like, "There's no 'gay' in Monogamy!," and "A penis's place is in the vagina!"
Narration Box #1: Consciousness! So sudden and beautiful! To be aware! To be bathed in self-knowledge! To be happy that I had yet to grow aural organs and have to listen to the inane chanting that brought me into this world!

Panel Two
A small, bald purple toddler with a big round mouth full of teeth wandering a suburban cul-de-sac.
Narration Box #1: Born from withholding, I grew up quickly in the sprawl around cities, feeding off the hatred of the desperate and the poor.

Panel Three
A bald, purple teen obviously wanking in the bushes as a man and woman pass by in conversation.
Man: "We need more government spy programs to keep foreigners from blowing up our children's daycares!"
Woman: "But where will the money come from when the poor are taking it all in government handouts for food and shelter?"

Panel Four
A bald, purple man lighting a cigar with a fat wad of cash.
Narration Box #1: I grew might on America's fear and hatred of the Other, those they blamed on the decline of family values; the poor and sick they saw were to blame for bankrupting our country; pacifists that dared point out that their heroes were dying in vain in corporate wars; anybody different from them for any reason, they called a Parasite, and I fed and my cock grew large and powerful.

Pretty fucking good, hunh?! I filled it with Narration Boxes because DC loves those! And I couldn't help but begin it with an homage to Scott Lobdell since DC loves him! I think I probably should have edited Page Fifteen before sending it in though since I portrayed DC Comics' editors as deformed, inbred miscreants that fucked stacks of money all day long while reading Marvel Comic books. Oh well. I wanted to keep my artistic integrity intact more than I needed fat money from DC.

Well, let's see what script they decided to go with since they didn't seem to like mine for some reason.

Great! They chose an artist's script over mine! And an artist I've met so now I'm going to feel bad when I point out how awful it is out of bitterness, envy, and jealousy!

Three weeks previous to The Parasite diving head first off of the roof of a building in Suicide Slums in Metropolis, he was the greatest character in the history of characters created in Villains Month!

I just can't put my finger on why I like him so much.

I'm fairly certain that Aaron Kuder based this character on Puck from Real World San Francisco. Why? Because he's an Artist and not a Writer! No way an Artist could come up with this character straight out of his head! Maybe he could draw a guy on a bike but then when it came time to turn him into an actual character, he'd be all, "DUH! How make good character ization? Is that two words? Probably should be three words! Char actor ization. That make lot more sense. Tired now. Words hard." I'm almost positive that's how Artists write because I know that's the word version of how I, a Writer, draw! And no way in hell anybody is good at both! The chances of that happening are like 2 to 1 or even worse odds probably.

The Parasite is the worst bike delivery person of all time. I guess he isn't based on Puck because Puck was a messenger between businesses and massage parlors and bookies and shit instead of a guy that delivers packages. Editorial probably forced that change so that Puck wouldn't show up out of the blue demanding compensation for likeness rights like how Bill and Silent Ted did to Daredevil and Banksy in that Chasing Amelie movie.

Eventually The Parasite is hit by a car because that's what happens when you ride a bike like you own the road and are immortal instead of riding a bike as if you could die at any second. I'm not putting the blame on either the car or the bike in any given situation! All I know is that when I used to ride the Santa Cruz Hills, I didn't give a fuck about who had right of way! All I knew was that if a car and I tussled, I was probably going to be too dead to claim the driver was at fault.

Oh. Apparently there was no car. And Giant Booger Monsters always have right of way.

The Parasite gets lucky and defeats the Booger Monster by zapping it with a downed electrical wire. Which, luckily, doesn't kill him; he just winds up with a broken leg. Meaning he loses his job. Which leads to his girlfriend dumping him. In other words, he loses everything because he was a big jerk that called Metropolis "Jerk-o-opolis." He really should have just called it "Jerkopolis." That's where he went wrong in this time line. His life would have been amazing if he'd just gotten his derogatory name right.

His girlfriend calls him a Parasite when she walks out the door which, if you've been reading the Who's Who entries I've been posting, you know was a bad idea. Whenever anybody is dehumanized and called a name, they always rise up to claim that name as their evil moniker as they claim their revenge on a world that treated them a little bit shabbily.

Now that he's out of a job, he'll probably (like the original Parasite!) have to get a job with a research lab where he'll try to steal toxic waste and become a super-villain!

Joshua Michael Alan (that's his name for some reason! Probably because the original Parasite had three names) goes in to STAR Labs for testing (and because they're going to pay him) because of the contact he had with the Giant Booger Monster. They're not calling it that though. They call it the Humongous Mass of Alien Smegma. Anyway, the tests go about as expected and he turns into The Parasite!

After the Origin Story is complete, the comic book returns to The Parasite plunging to his death. But Superman doesn't respect people's choices and decides to save The Parasite's life because Superman obviously knows better. At least Batman would have stayed out of it. Of course when Superman catches him, The Parasite feeds a bit too much.

Oh! I get it! He's a parasite!

No wonder The Parasite wants to infect Superman. Parasites have the best life when they can find a host that they don't kill while sucking up its energy. Although this also seems a bit like the food chain where Superman is the plant getting energy from the sun and The Parasite is the meat eater taking the energy from Superman's meat. Loads and loads of it! Except in my analogy Superman was a plant so if The Parasite is going to feed off of Superman, that makes him an herbivore. Stupid analogies. Why can't I ever get them right?!

Fuck analogies anyway. Anybody who has ever used an analogy in a serious discussion is an asshole that's just trying to avoid the actual topic.

Superman should allow The Parasite to live in his bathtub back at the Fortress of Solitude. The Parasite wouldn't be hurting anybody and Superman has lots and lots of excess energy. He could just visit from time to time and let the Parasite suck him off a bit. No harm done! Of course it might be a bit embarrassing if Superman ever lets Batman use his bathroom.

Batman: "Hey Clark. There's a naked purple guy in your bathtub. You know what he tried to do to me while I was in there?"
Superman: "Oh yeah. Um. Sorry about that. That's just Josh. He's my, um, uhh...Alfred!"
Batman: "Hmm. I'm going to have to have a talk with Alfred if he's attempting to blow guests when they come over."

The Parasite learns he can steal Superman's powers.

The power doesn't last long when Parasite uses it though and he's quickly back down to skinny purple guy. Superman freezes him with his Cold Breath (why is his breath cold? Mine isn't cold! He's a freak!) and The Parasite winds up in Belle Reve. But we all know what happened to Belle Reve this month! Break out! After the breakout, The Parasite was last seen hitching a ride into Metropolis to find Superman to feast on again. He must not have heard that Superman is dead.

The Parasite #1 Rating: I don't fucking know what I want anymore! My favorite comic books are being written by Artists lately! This is a confusing and complex situation! I love well-written comic books. I can't get enough of those (which makes one wonder why I'm reading so many of The New 52!). But I also love comicky comic books! I enjoy something that's silly and whimsical and just fucking entertaining. Which this was, possibly because I liked the Bike Messenger so much. But this book reminds me quite a bit of Chris Burnham's stories when he was writing Batman of Japan. They're funny and whimsical and full of comic book goodness. I think some Writers are just trying too hard. Dark and disastrous and dramatic don't necessarily make for good story. Whatever Aaron Kuder put into this issue of The Parasite, he needs to share that amongst his fellow creators. Especially how even though it was rather goofy origin story, it actually ends on a page of pure malevolence as The Parasite threatens to kill a woman's child so she'll give him a lift back to Metropolis.

This wouldn't make my "favorite comic" list but it was light and entertaining and I liked it. I often mention how possibly the funniest movie I've ever seen in a theater was Jackass. But I'd never claim it was one of the best comedies ever made. I can only attest to the fact that it had me crying in laughter throughout. Comic books like this one are a rare find and I miss them.

The Parastie! (as seen in Superman and crap)

This might be the first ever picture of somebody getting teabagged after being defeated.

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Raymond Maxwell Jensen
Occupation: Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Unknown
Known Relatives: Lorna Jensen (wife) [I'm sure this "unknown" and "Lorna" situation will be resolved in the HISTORY! Perhaps it's just not known if Lorna served the divorce papers after Raymond turned into a raging purple exhibitionist.], Trini Jensen (daughter), Troy Jensen (son)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Metropolis [Specifically, "Marv's House of Gloryholes." Because he sucks out people's essential juices and his mouth is perfectly shaped!]
First Appearance: ACTION COMICS #340
Height: 6'3" Weight: 240 lbs.
Eyes: Black Hair: None (originally brown)

HISTORY
Maxwell Jensen was a real loser, having been fired from three jobs in one year [Holy fuck, that's a harsh and judgmental thing to say to somebody down on their luck! He just hadn't found his calling yet. Until that day he walked into "Marv's"!], when he got a position at a government lab as a handyman. There was larceny in his heart even then, and this led to the accident that transformed him into The Parasite [So he's a Larcenous Heart Grub?].

Superman (see Superman II) had been there, conducting experiments with radioactive elements from another galaxy. These concluded, the Man of Steel decontaminated himself and sealed the wastes securely in a radiation-proof container. Jensen was then ordered to take the wastes to the disposal center.

Jensen, having heard payrolls were sometimes shipped in such containers to fool criminals, took a peek [Okay, the introductory assumption was correct: loser.]. As a result, he was hideously burned and turned into a human atomic furnace, burning up energy so swiftly that he would have perished in minutes if he had not had the power to absorb energy from others just as quickly. He also absorbed their mentality, and thus became a genius.

He quickly conceived the idea of stealing Superman's powers, thus making himself the mightiest man alive. But this went awry because his body could not contain so much power at once. As a result, he disintegrated [This might be the most loose use of the phrase "went awry" in comic history.].

And this might have been the end of the Parasite had it not been for an alien geographer who was mapping Earth when he found his instruments blocked by a strange purplish cloud. Analyzing it, he found it registered a life force. Curious, the alien reconstructed it in his revival chamber--and The Parasite lived again.

Eventually, Jensen set out to steal Superman's power gradually, so as not to overload himself. He was helped by having previously used his powers to learn his foe's secret identity.

But this time, Superman was aided by others from the planet of the now-dead alien. He helped them capture The Parasite so they could bring him to justice, giving him a life sentence on a prison world.

It was not easy to keep a man with his powers confined, however, and he escaped. In the process, he was struck by a blast from a guard's ray weapon. This altered his molecular structure so that, even when he was again disintegrated, he was able to return to normal, as his cells automatically regrouped themselves [In other words, Science!].

Jensen was captured and sent to prison. However, he had a good lawyer--a woman who fell in love with him. He finally got paroled and married her, and they had twins.

Xviar, an alien, using the Earth name of Mr. Xavier, gathered together a group of Superman's foes to fight the Man of Might--including The Parasite. Thus it was that Jensen's power was restored. Now he could not return to his loved ones for fear of killing them by draining their energy.

When captured, The Parasite has been imprisoned in the Mount Olympus Correctional Facility (popularly known as Superman Island), in a cell designed to drain off his excess energy.

POWERS & WEAPONS
The Parasite needs no weapons, since he can absorb any powers and has thus used Superman's abilities against him. He also has abosrbed enough scientific knowledge to make himself a genius [Scientific knowledge alone does not make one a genius! It might make you boring or able to make incomprehensible small talk but it does not, in and of itself, make you a genius. Dumb dumbs!]. As Jensen, he was of average build and strength, but as The Parasite, he has become a mass of physical power [But how good is he at hand-to-hand combat? This Powers & Weapons section is useless.].