All Star Western #25

Why isn't this a Zero Year tie-in?

Last issue, Jonah Hex had found himself at Burning Man with John Constantine and a whole passel of demons. Booster Gold was still nowhere to be seen. But he's got to come back at some point to slingshot Jonah back into the past. Doesn't he?

I think Randall Flagg is behind this.

So this is why people love going to Burning Man! Because you get to be possessed by demons and then shot in the face by a time traveling gunslinger! I totally thought it was all about drugs, sex, and sunburned genitalia! I mean, all about art and living free without any judgments! Because there are plenty of judgments to be made once you get back and stop interacting with all the brainwashed people that have never been to Burning Man because they just don't fucking get it, man.

Jonah and Gina begin blasting away at the possessed revelers and I have to wonder if the cover is because he's been arrested for slaughtering all the festival participants. You know, some day this same kind of thing is going to happen at one of those Zombie Crawls. All it takes is one schizophrenic with a shotgun that believes he's saving the world and you'll have one of the worst massacres of all time. And the guy arrested for it will simply think he's a hero.

Constantine ditches Jonah Hex and Gina because they don't know magic and why waste a couple of decent pieces of bait to distract the demons while you slip away to deal with the real threat? And it's not like Jonah Hex hasn't proven that he can take care of himself. But Jonah and Gina decide to follow Constantine anyway because if he dies, what the fuck are they going to do? They eventually find him having a discussion with the head demon about the finer points of casting spells.

Constantine's favorite position: seemingly completely beaten. He always works his best magic when his life is hanging by a thread.

After typing that caption and then turning the page, I think I'll allow myself to go up another Comic Book Reader Level!

Level Up! I'm now an Initiate Comic Book Reader!

The demon likes what he sees in Jonah Hex, what with all the killing he's done across time and space. So it looks into his soul and discovers something that perplexes him. He mentions Jonah Hex is "his agent." Being DC Comics doesn't have lower case in their fonts, I can't tell if the "his" should be capitalized or not. That would certainly ruin the mystery of who he means though! The demon finishes by saying, "The hex on all sinners," so it sounds like Jonah certainly might be doing the work of God. Not Jesus though because if Hex had to kill sinners, he'd really just have to hunt down Jesus because Jesus died for all of our sins so we don't have to pay the price of a bullet in our brain.

While the demon is distracted, Constantine stabs it with a magic soul sucking blade and traps it. There sure are a lot of soul sucking blades in fiction!

Constantine takes a closer look at Hex after the demon is gone and seems to think Lucifer is the person pulling Hex's strings. I guess that makes sense too since God is fucking around with The Phantom Stranger. I hope Jonah winds up facing off against The Phantom Stranger!

Afterward, the group settles down to discuss things. Hex wants to return to the past and Constantine thinks he might have a way to do it if he can gather together The Swamp Thing and The House of Secrets. Maybe the House of Secrets. Well, he needs a Crooked House anyway. But first, summoning Swamp Thing!

I guess this is the ritual. Make plans to fuck while holding freshly picked flowers. The Swamp Thing must be a Peeper!

Swamp Thing grows up out of the desert and asks Jonah and Gina if they are friends of Constantine. Jonah seems to answer the question correctly by not saying yes. Gina mentions what they need and Swamp Thing confirms that the house they're looking for is The House of Secrets. But before Swamp Thing can help them, he decides to go have his own Swamp Thing adventure as he scours the desert for a strange presence. He finds a purple flower whose pollen invades the Swamp Thing who turns on Hex and Gina with his new Purple Plasma Power Fingers. And, well, that's the end. No more back-up stories! I can deal with that.

All Star Western #25 Rating: No change. Jonah Hex has really put his foot in it now that he's ensconced in the magic side of DC Comics. He'll never be the same now that he's found out he's one of Lucifer's Sainted Killers. And now he's rubbing elbows with Constantine and Swamp Thing and searching for the House of Secrets? Now maybe he's weird enough to join the 19th century version of Stormwatch when he gets back to the past!

Teen Titans #25

Wait wait! Let me guess! He spilled a Junior Chemist Chemistry Set on himself just as he received a static shock while kissing his cousin.

Even my commentaries couldn't help me remember where Kid Flash and Solstice were before they suddenly found themselves in front of a bunch of armed soldiers at the beginning of this issue. Turns out that they were last seen with the other Titans as Raven got her hooks into their claws. But I guess Raven fucked up after that because the other Titans wound up in 2033 getting a glimpse of Scott Lobdell's New X-Teen Titan-Men. Which means Kid Flash and Solstice must have flip-flopped into his future trial that the Next Month Blurb has been promising for months now. I was going to say years but that kind of hyperbole just weakens your position and makes it seem like the truth isn't strong enough to stand on its own. And I wouldn't want anybody to think I'm exaggerating when I say that Scott Lobdell makes a lot of money writing really terrible comic books.

I bet Scott Lobdell is a really fun guy. Boy, if I ever got the chance to hang out with him, my entire blogging career would be ruined since it's solely based on bashing Lobdell. I should probably come up with a second gimmick! Maybe I should start cyber-stalking Scott Snyder.

The armed people are rebels that Kid Flash (Bar Tor) once led. But he seemingly betrayed them, was placed in the Witness Protection Program where they wipe your memory and shoot you off into the past to have sex with one of your own great grandparents. While he was gone, he left a man named Rain in charge. This guy believes Bart is a traitor but Bart believes Rain is a traitor and his men are ingrates. So they probably should all sit down and sort this crap out.

I just ate a whole bag of Sour Patch Kids Extreme and now my stomach hurts.

Across the planet (which planet? I don't fucking know! I don't even know what year it is! Or why Johnny Quick was able to send them through space as well as time! Somebody should get him working with NASA!), the rest of the Teen Titans show up so they can be in the back of the courtroom when Kid Flash is pronounced guilty and begin yelling "NO!" and rending their garments and pulling out their hair.

No, it was revealed in Teen Titans Annual #2 that Kon didn't make it because this is Jon! Oh wait. I see what you meant. "Didn't make it" as in "got fucking dead and shit." Way to spoil Superman #25, you asshats.

Okay, I admit it. That bit about Superboy had already been spoiled for me. By Scott Lobdell himself! I get it, Mr. Lobdell. You want to make sure you sell as many The Death of Superboy issues as possible for that fat royalty check, so you blab it all over the internet to make sure everyone reserves a copy. You don't want to lose out on the extra bread (Bread, by the way, is rhyming slang! Bread and Honey = Money!) that Grant Morrison lost surprising all the comic book stores with Robin's demise! Of course, they all ordered more copies anyway once everybody rushed in to get yet another dead sidekick book for their collections.

I think this is a good time for the obligatory comment about how fucking stupid Raven's costume is.

Then Tim Drake begins playing Wheel of Fortune with his sentences.

It's a Before and After Puzzle! Even throwing in an extra period doesn't make this shit work. "No one wants to get back more than me but that's not going to happen. If we push her too far, Cassie, we're never going to get back to Earth." Or: "No one wants to get back more than me but that's not going to happen if we push her too far, Cassie. We're never going to get back to Earth." Red Robin, your mind got rattled during your time flip-flopping.

Raven's mind is addled too.

Would it? Why does being on Earth matter? Your father isn't bound to it.

The Titans notice Solstice's energy signature on the horizon and rush off to help. While the reader was distracted by the other Teen Titans, Kid Flash cleared his throat of the Air Epoxy that was slowly choking him. He did it by "compensating." That's all the explanation you fucking need, assholes. You expect Scott Lobdell to hold your hand while you read his book?

Some military people show up to take Kid Flash into custody for mysterious reasons that everybody keeps sort of mentioning to build the tension until we can find out what Kid Flash did that has made the rebels and the rulers hate him so much! One of the soldiers wants to kill him but the lead soldier has orders to bring him in alive so she kills the soldier instead. Really? That seems pretty fucking appropriate. That's why it's important to follow orders, kids! Don't join the military if you think you're going to act upon your own conscious!

Kid Flash is strapped to a Holoprog machine which lets everybody see his memories. I don't know why these soldiers sent him back in time if they now need to see his memories. I'm sure it all makes sense if you actually care about this comic book. So anyway, we get to see one memory of Kid Flash in a green outfit with blood all over him kneeling atop a pile of skulls. Off somewhere else in the complex, Jon-el is choking the shit out of Wonder Girl. And then the Trial of Kid Flash doesn't begin because it's going to begin next month. Yeah, I bet.

Teen Titans #25 Rating: No change. Does anybody actually care about Kid Flash's origin story anymore? Each month, I suppose Scott Lobdell figured, "I'll think up something good before this month is over!" And then Tyler Kirkham starts bugging him for pages while Lobdell still hasn't thought up a good Trial of Kid Flash story, so Lobdell vamps and starts sending Kirkham yet another script that has nothing to do with Kid Flash. This is why writers need to plan stories instead of waiting for the stories to surprise the writers, Mr. Lobdell. Get your fucking act together and stop writing scripts in the same way that everybody writes college term papers: at the last fucking second.

The Green Team #6

Did anybody at DC truly envision this comic book reaching issue #100?

Enthusiastic DC Editor: "Hey guys! I know! Let's create a comic book about a bunch of trillionaires! Trillionaires have so much money that even Spell Check can't believe it's a real word! But you know who will buy a comic book about trillionaires? TRILLIONAIRES! It's like printing money!"
Less Enthusiastic DC Editor: "I'm not sure there are any actual trillionaires."
Enthusiastic DC Editor: "Well then billionaires will buy it!"
Less Enthusiastic DC Editor: "No billionaires are going to want to be reminded that they don't have a trillion dollars."
Enthusiastic DC Editor: "Then the poverty stricken masses will buy it up by the wagon load to escape their hum drum life to live vicariously through these characters! Remember how successful Richie Rich was?! Or Silver Spoons? Or Dif'rent Strokes?! Poor people love and idolize rich people!"
Less Enthusiastic DC Editor: "Whatever. I'm going to come up with another comic book starring The Batman."

I was hoping this comic book would give me tips on how to become a Teen Trillionaire but so far I'm still old and broke. Stupid comic book.

Last issue, The Green Team had been stranded on a meteor fighting some guy named Ass Tickle. I mean Icicle. Fuck, dude. I don't believe you should be granted super powers if you can't even come up with a creative name for yourself. Even Coldsnap would be better than Icicle. Even though Icicle has "sick" and "kill" in it, this jerk couldn't be bothered to trick up his name so it plays up to either of those things.

Icicle: "I'm Icicle! EMPHASIS ON THE KILL! Unless you pronounce it properly and then the accent is on the CULL!"

I bet Bellachek Temple has a brother named Cannon in Coral City!

The fight on the meteor continues with some not-so-innocent scientist getting killed because he decided to side with The Green Team and not The Icicle and his lover Bellachek Temple. Icicle then decides to smash the meteor into pieces, destroying the only working shuttle left on the meteor and sending everybody and everything crashing down into Earth's atmosphere.

It pretty much happens just like this. Except in Japanese.

They crash land their gigantic hunk of rock just outside of Bellachek Temple's offices in Chicago.

Oh come on, Green Team creative team! If you'd introduced this guy in the first few issues, you'd have had a hit on your hands!

I wonder if everybody in the corporate offices refers to Icicle as "I Suck Bel."

Commodore 64 chastises Bellachek Temple for using his power and money to make more power and money on the backs of people that have no power and money. Bellachek points out that Commodore 64 really isn't any different except that he's young and idealistic, and youthful idealism only sees what it wants to see.

Speaking of young people, I saw a Tumblr post awhile back about some youngster saying that the young person's mother was born in 1969 and she liked to append "69" to the end of her user names online. And the youth believed it was the kid's job to point out to the mom that she can't be doing that. Kid, believe me, she knew what she was doing. She was probably fucking proud that her year of birth was a fantastic sex act. Because "old" people aren't as ignorant as you might like to think. When teenagers lie to their parents and fool them, they sometimes think they're able to fool all adults. No, no. You know why your parents believe you actually fell asleep on the couch at your date's house as opposed to all the dick sucking and vagina licking that was going on? Because parents are in denial and they'd rather believe the lie than to imagine their kid having sex. You tell that same story to your uncle and he's just going to wink and smile. Seriously, what would you rather imagine if your parents went out on a date and immediately headed into the bedroom when they got home? "Boy, they must sure be tuckered out!" Or are you going to picture the fuckfest that is happening up there? Yeah, denial is better, right?

Of course, on the other side of things and just as annoying, are when young people are portrayed as ignorant of anything that happened before the nineties. Like that Jack in the Box commercial where the ditzy social media employee thinks watches were invented back in the olden days of the eighties. Age really has nothing to do with knowledge. Obviously the longer you've been around, the more you've probably accumulated. But the accumulation of knowledge takes effort or, at least, intense curiosity. But you can imagine how tiresome it is to meet someone over forty that hasn't bothered to retain anything and how intensely interesting a younger person can appear when they've been paying attention to more than just their immediate social group's activities. When you're sixteen, it's hard to think of your parent as a sixteen year old. But you just need to remember that a person is always, at all times, every age they've ever been. Older folks don't just relate to sixteen year olds. They actively remember themselves at sixteen; they still feel themselves at sixteen and what it was like and the person they were. They're still that person mixed with the twenty five year old and the thirty six year old and the eight year old. You don't just lose the feelings of your first crush long after your third divorce. That feeling can still be as intense as ever.

And I fucking don't know why Commodore 64's speech to Bellachek Temple set me off on that diversion. I suppose I needed something more to talk about than the Green Team fighting Icicle in space and crash landing in Chicago to tell the man that built their Super Hero Disks that he's an asshole.

Temple decides to have his men kill Commodore 64 but Cecilia jumps in the way and takes all the gunfire in her back. But she already regrew her arm, so I think she'll be okay regrowing all the other parts that were just shot off. Like her liver and her left lung. J.P. flips the fuck out and turns into a werewolf.

Well, I guess the disks do different things to different people!

The Green Team #6 Rating: +1 Ranking simply for the introduction of Bellachek Temple. Long after The Green Team is gone, I'm guessing this guy will find work harassing other comic book heroes.

Catwoman #25

A brief respite from Ann Nocenti! Thank you, Baby Lord Jesus on High! Or Ganesha, more likely. That's the problem with a miracle. How the hell are you supposed to know which god granted it? It would be arrogant to purport to know!

At first, it might seem like a midwinter miracle getting to read Catwoman written by somebody other than Ann Nocenti. But when you work it through, you realize it's simply torture. It's feeding us that tiny morsel of hope that maybe someday Catwoman will be worth reading, allowing us to believe that the day will come when this comic book will wind up in a storage box instead of the litter box. They are giving us hope just to squelch it and throw it back in our faces next month when Nocenti comes back and the characters start acting like a person three days into ignoring their stroke symptoms. DC is saying: "This is what we could be giving you. A literate story by a capable writer. Instead, we ask that you lie back and open wide as we fill your gaping maw, cover your eagerly seeking tongue, with foul excrement and our disdain. Thank you for being our loyal customers, Catwoman fans."

I don't even know if John Layman is going to tell an interesting story or not! I simply know this is going to be the best Catwoman story in over a year.

Six years ago, Selina Kyle was ziplining across the skies of Gotham to crash a party full of well-to-do Gotham socialites. Instead of Narration Boxing why she's doing it, she continually Narration Boxes that she doesn't know why she's doing it. I'm fairly certain she actually knows why and she hasn't been brainwashed by The Mad Hatter because she's not wearing a hat. So she's really just surprised at herself for going through with whatever fool notion she's decided to act upon. I suppose she has some orphan friends who need some shit to prepare for the coming storm and she's decided to go steal that shit from the Richies. But they don't want to give up any of their stuff, so they have a couple of armed poor people on their payroll ready to shoot anybody that tries to sneak in to partake of free finger foods and champagne.

And just as Selina is about to be shot on a rooftop trying to crash the party, it feels like a good time for a flashback to twenty four hours ago.

Or maybe just earlier in the day.

Selina Kyle has recently grown partial to swiping things. This has begun to get her in trouble as seen in the previous two panels I scanned where she's being chased by cops and where she's being shot at. Oh, did I only scan one of those? Well then you'll just have to take my word for it, won't you? I did describe how people were shooting at her. But that's still just hearsay, isn't it? Well, you'll believe me if I say the thugs for the rich people were smarter than the Gotham Cops, right? No? You want proof?

I wonder if Larson is really super stupid and would shoot at the cat if he wasn't warned or if Not-Larson just thinks he's that moronic? I bet Not-Larson is just pleased as Punch that he's so incredibly perceptive, what with the ability to tell the difference between a woman and a cat. I capitalized "Punch" because I figure that saying has to do with Punch and Judy and not the kind of punch you spike at parties. I could be wrong but fuck if I'm going to ask Lord Google about it. I hate that know-it-all. This was a pretty long caption, wasn't it?

Selina gets away thanks to her new friend, Ugly Cat Before Ugly Cat Was Ugly. Unless it's Isis. Maybe it's just a stray that she'll never talk to again and it will die lonely of a broken heart and Feline Leukemia. But mostly from the Feline Leukemia.

Selina tries to sell the mountain climbing gear that was in the backpack to her fence and friend, Lola, who will die in about five years because Selina Kyle has no concept of "consequences" or "thinking ahead" or "the future." She just flies by the gorgeous seat of her super tight pants, stealing whatever she wants from whomever she wants and fucking any guy in a bat costume. At least, she will do all of that stuff! But right now, she's just learning how to get wildly out of control.

Later when Selina goes to get some food from her local grocer that she's known for years, some rich guy named Arnett Whalescrotum comes in and forces the owner to sell everything to him so he can throw a party. In spite of herself, and because she's practicing to spin out of control by making rash and imprudent decisions concerning her life, she stands up to the thugs by slashing one of them in the face with her fingernails. The guy punches her in the nose and takes all of the groceries anyway. But that explains why Selina needs to get into that party in eight hours and some minutes! She's going to teach Mr. Whalescrotum some lesson about being selfish or mean or something. It's hard to know exactly since I really don't know what Mr. Whalescrotum did wrong! He paid for the stuff! Those other people should have had more money and power and well-paid thugs if they wanted some food and medicine to help them survive the coming storm! Idiots should have planned ahead.

Um, so, anyway, she's infiltrated the party now and turning the heads of some of Gotham's criminal elite. Or soon to be criminal elite. Zero year!

I'm enjoying Lopresti's art. Has he not been around since JLI? Oh no! He did Amethyst as well! Now that was a great looking comic. Not to take anything away from Rafa Sandoval though! I like his look on the book. I've also been under the mistaken impression Rafa was female for some reason. I guess every other time I've known someone named Rafa Sandoval, they've been female. I just realized, just now, that I didn't know if Rafa was male or female and resorted to asking Lord Google about it. Lord Google said, "He's a dudebro! Fuck, you're stupid." Argh! I hate Lord Google so much!

Once inside the party, Selina instantly gets into trouble and thugs are ordered to kill her. But Selina doesn't die easily. It's like she's got six lives or something. She fights back with a whip she stole from a lion tamer in one of Whalescrotum's sex rooms. After taking out Whalescrotum and his thugs, she robs the fucker blind and heads back to her neighborhood with supplies to help everyone survive the storm.

Catwoman #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think I was supposed to learn some stuff about Catwoman this issue, like how everything she does causes people around her to use cat analogies. Or maybe that she's a thief with a heart of gold, a burglar with a kind soul, a robber that must fucking smell like fish or taste like cheese or be in heat because cats seem really attracted to her. I'm also really attracted to her therefore I must be a cat.

Larfleeze #5

Initially, my favorite Orange Lantern was Pharaoh Nanotoknonnen. But I'm really becoming partial to Noface Korean Ghost Monster.

This is a terrific cover because it tells you everything you need to know about last issue. Also it's painted quite nicely. I suppose you might also want to remember Dyrge, the Emo God from the other universe full of incestuous gods. I know when I say it like that, it makes it sound like a mirror universe to ours. But that one was destroyed by these gods so they had to come over to the New 52 and pee all over this party too. Not that this party has been going so well. If only DC had concentrated as much on "character building" as they did on "world building" when they began this thing, it might be more interesting as a whole. As it is, I don't really find the majority of titles compelling. Maybe that's just what happens when you force yourself to publish fifty two different titles each month. It definitely means you need a lot of writers, so you wind up having job openings for people like Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti. I hope nobody misquotes me and says, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea was heard to say, '...people like Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti.'"

Speaking of liking Scott Lobdell, you should head over to his Facebook Fanpage and help him get to 1000 Likes! I just checked and he's at 980! Come on! His Teen Titans sells tens of thousands of copies a month! How can he not have 1000 Likes yet! Get with it, people! He's an important Writer! Give him some credit! And tell him Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea sent you!

Currently, Larfleeze has had his ring taken away and he's chained in a cage listening to his ex-Orange Lanterns plan how they're going to go about torturing him. During the conversation, everybody's name is used so the reader can catch up on who's who. But I'll just forget that the Twi'lek is named Clypta and Glomulus is named Glomulus and the Space Tapeworm is named Nat Nat and Pharaoh Nanotoknonnen is named Warp Wrap and Noface Korean Ghost Monster is named Sound Dancer and the "minotaur" (that's a cross between a minotaur and a centaur!) is named Ceebiss and the Neckbearded Elephantopus is named Tammal Tayn.

I bet the first place he builds is a gaming shop with lots of tables and coolers full of soda where he can hang out with a handful of people obnoxious enough to drive out new people who walk in thinking, "I'd love to start gaming in a place like this while meeting new people! But, umm, hmm...not those people." Because nothing says "Good time!" like arguing over a game of Magic the Gathering about the perfect character build to eke out every possible advantage in a game of Dungeons and Dragons that is never going to be played because nobody at the table actually likes role-playing with each other. Also, the new rules suck. And so do the old rules. Seriously, who wants to sit around playing games with four or five other Devil's Advocates who "actually" everything said by everyone ever?

Meanwhile on the World of Suicidal Edwardian Robots, Pulsar Stargrave learns that something called The Council of Ten threatens his new master, The Wanderer, and her sister/brother/uncle/aunt/mother/fathers. I guess making the mystery antagonist a number opens up future story possibilities, especially The Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby Doo plot device. So you have Lobdell's "Thirteen" which has probably been long forgotten by everybody who doesn't hold Lobdell accountable for every plot thread he starts, and you have Lobdell's "Twenty" which he mentioned and then actually did something with so he might still deal with "The Thirteen" unless I've got that number wrong since it's been so long since the Star Wars episodes of Red Hood and the Outlaws. And now you have the Council of Ten because I couldn't think of any more examples. But I'm sure there are more!

The House of Tuath-Dan is like an incestuous version of The Endless. I just like typing "incestuous."

So far I really like Dyrge but I think my favorite will wind up being Errata.

Back on The New Home Planet of the Orange Lanterns, Larfleeze learns from a hallucination his real history that he's forgotten because he's been lying to himself and everyone around him for billions of years. The real history does not make him look good. But it does explain why he was chosen to be the one and only Orange Lantern.

You say selfish, I say survivor.

Larfleeze falls apart after learning the truth of his actions. He still wants to believe that he's a hero and that everything he does is for the benefit of others. Why shouldn't he own everything? Everybody loves him and they want him to be happy and successful! His selfishness creates a bubble of self-confidence that keeps him from questioning anything he does. His greatest delusion is that other people see him the same way that he sees himself.

Larfleeze #5 Rating: No change. Why is the world so cold? No, not metaphorically cold! I'm fucking freezing my ass off and I'm sheltered within a slightly more than ramshackle house! Why are there so many drafts? Can't somebody laminate this place to keep the wind from getting in? How am I supposed to concentrate on reading comics when it feels like ghouls keep caressing various body parts? And why does the cat behind me keep screaming at me, setting off the cat in my lap to return the yell?! And to top it all off, I've had a foreign object in my eye since last night! How do you get that shit out of there?! Stupid eyeballs! If only there were an internal, biological mechanism to wash stuff out of your eyes.

Justice League Dark #25

This looks almost exactly like my first sexual experience.

I guess Forever Evil: Blight is now well and truly under way even though it isn't mentioned anywhere on the cover. I only know this is the second installment because of the advert in Red Lanterns #25 that informed me of this huge crossover that won't be done until March. As long as most of the issues don't just seem like filler, I'm good with a crossover. I mean, you have to do something with all those long stretches of time before death.

Last issue, Constantine, The Nightmare Nurse, The House of Mystery, and Chia Swamp Thing had summoned Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and The Question to the Rock of Eternity. I think this is Justice League Dark's first recruitment drive. It's like those issues of Justice League when all the heroes gather aboard the Watchtower to be judged worthy by Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman. I think I'd do well in an interview with Batman because I'm equal parts grim and sassy but I don't think I'd cut Superman's mustard. I can't even imagine what Wonder Woman would expect out of me. Hug a murderer? Put a small animal out of its misery? Discuss the dynamic between power and gender in Austen's Pride and Prejudice?

Upon opening up the comic book, it looks like I've gotten ahead of myself. The Rock of Eternity Recruitment Drive probably gets set up later in this issue since Justice League Dark #24 ended with Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse and Chia Swamp Thing and The House of Mystery just beginning to formulate a plan to save the rest of Justice League Dark. It looks like the real Swamp Thing is going to take some offense at Chia Swamp Thing being on the team and make an abrupt appearance. Which is good since he's one of the heroes Constantine is trying to locate.

There are a couple of things wrong here what with the "it's" having an apostrophe and the fact that John calls her an it right after being told how she identifies. But that's not what I want to talk about after this caption.

The British have done a lot of stuff that I truly admire and often incorporate into my being. But fuck howdy, this rhyming slang is truly the most awful thing I've ever encountered. John uses a good example here why it's so awful. Just from context, you might have gathered that he's referring to breasts when he says "bristols." Bristols is, of course, rhyming slang for titties. Oh, you're confused? That's because rhyming slang tries to be some kind of secret code. So the rhyming slang of titties is actually "Bristol Cities." But then rhyming slang drops the actual rhyming part and you're left with "bristol" or "bristols." Because rhyming slang is a kind of code for those in the know and to keep others apart. But, and this is why it's so terrible, you can almost always figure out what the fuck a person is talking about from context. Although you won't have any fucking idea why they're using the word they're using for the rhyming slang! I'm absolutely sure that I'm being insensitive to some cultural reason as to why it evolved the way it did but I don't fucking care! It's stupid. And I'm just glad that I very rarely run into it. Actually, it's probably truer to say I have no fucking idea when I run into it and often just walk away confused whenever I hear it!

After spouting off about being culturally insensitive, I decided to read up on rhyming slang. Sure, I only read the Wikipedia entry but it was actually really interesting and helpful! Especially learning that "berk" is rhyming slang for "cunt!" I had an online friend from Australia that went by the name of "Berk" (This is her at the bottom of the page with the candle)! I wish I hadn't lost contact with her so that I can tell her I finally get it! The page was also informative in teaching me the slang terms I knew but didn't realize they came from rhyming slang. Just as I said earlier in that I've probably encountered it and just didn't have a fucking clue because the final word is so obfuscated from the creation of itself.

While I might think it's fairly ridiculous, it's definitely not an uninteresting aspect of the games people play with language. And by "not uninteresting," I actually mean kind of amazingly fascinating.

As John lets The Nightmare Nurse know that Swamp Thing is not going to sit by and allow himself to be duplicated, Chia Swamp Thing gives birth.

I'm fairly certain that plants don't actually give birth like this so you're not actually looking at what you think you're looking at.

The Swamp Thing agrees to help Constantine and the Nightmare Nurse because The John ("John Constantine" = "The Green"!) is a trifle miffed about the sun having been blotted out. Even though it's only blotted out in very small areas. Maybe by this time, Ultraman has moved the moon closer to the Earth so the darkness covers more ground!

John, Swamp Thing, and Nightmare Nurse begin casting some spells to locate Zatanna and the lost members of the Justice Leagues. But some kind of dark magic full of mutated spells is blocking their attempts.

I'm fairly certain that plants don't actually have the same physiology as people, so you're not actually looking at what you think you're looking at.

The mutated spells try to infect John's mind so he needs to drink a homeopathic brew that the Nightmare Nurse gives him. So, you know, she gives him a glass of water. All better!

John comes up with a plan to save Zatanna and defeat the Crime Syndicate: they must kill evil! Which, technically speaking, means they have to travel into Mankind's Collective Unconscious and battle symbols and archetypes! I hope they know which ones represent evil because that place can get confusing. I think as long as they defeat all the monkeys they find, they'll be good to go.

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, The Sea King (The Crime Syndicate's version of Aquaman. Unless his name was something different) comes back to life. He doesn't remember who he is which would be a great relief to him if he could only remember who he was. Now he gets to start over! Remake himself! No longer be the chump of the Crime Syndicate! He will find respect on this new world! He will never be laughed at again! And he will go by the name...Aquaman!

In the Collective Unconscious, John, Swampy, and Asa discover The Blight. But it's too powerful and it knows them too well since it is, you know, a part of them. So the Mini-Justice League Dark decide to make a run for it. It looks like they're going to have to try something else. I suggest they go see Mad Hettie for some clues!

Back in San Francisco, Cassandra Craft is kidnapped by a bunch of demons and taken back to Thaumaton to take part in The Project. That's as clear as I can make it! Oh, and she's blind! And her boyfriend, Liam, is left unconscious on the floor. What is it all about? I don't know! Stop asking questions that can't be answered yet!

Returning from their trip cut short, The Mini-Justice League Dark decide to find another way to battle The Blight. John decides to get naked, sacrifice some goats, and summon up The Trinity of Sin. Supposedly, they're experts at evil. But really, they're just more goats lying on the floor with their throats cut. What the fuck have they really done that's evil? They might be experts on spending centuries punished unjustly. And they might be quite knowledgeable on cloaks and trench coats. But I think there were probably some far better choices if you wanted people that really understood evil. Like maybe Trigon?

Justice League Dark #25 Rating: No change. I think I prefer a Justice League Dark without Zatanna. I definitely prefer a Justice League Dark without Madame Xanadu. Although I think they need to add either Etrigan or Black Orchid to the team. Oh fuck it. Why not both?

Red Lanterns #25

Really? Hal is giving The Red Lanterns Sector 2814 to patrol? What a dick.

The issue begins with Itro the Megamonster destroying Downtown Goswam on Shoum. Itro has become a Red Lantern because every other member of Itro's species was killed by the people of Shoum. The people of Shoum insist they had to do it to save themselves because Itro's megamonster people were using up all the resources and they were too large to fit in any of the buildings where the Global Summits were held. But the Narration boxes giving the two halves of the story are trying to clue me in that the real problem isn't as black and white as either side might think. That's too bad for them because now the problem resides in that bloody, violent red area in-between.

Back on Ysmault, Guy Gardner confirms that Hal Jordan doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself and how much glory he can obtain.

I have a feeling Hal is actually going to have a problem with this. They never did actually discuss which Sector the Reds would get.

Guy gives Rankorr a quick tutorial about Space Sectors and the Guardians and how the Green Lanterns can't screw with Earth now. Somebody had better tell Simon Baz about this deal before the Reds find out about him. Guy points out how one third of the Red Lanterns are from Earth which means all the other Red Lanterns must be dead. It's just Guy, Rankorr, Bleez, Skallox, Ratchet, and Zilius Zox. Rankorr points out that there used to be another member from Earth: Dex-Starr. Skallox points out that Gardner had better hope Dex-Starr never comes back because that cat is going to be super pissed.

Guy, Guy, Guy. Cats are the best pukers in the universe. And now you've made enemies with one that pukes lava.

Meanwhile out in Sector 1107, Dex-Starr and Atrocitus are hunting for one of the Red Rings that Atrocitus sent out to find new recruits. It looks like they've found the one that chose Itro. Now they just have to wrest it from his humongous fingers.

The Red Lanterns decide that they need to make a big debut to get everybody's attention in Sector 2814. So they decide to take out an evil dictator named Gensui on the planet Kormorax. Even if they manage to defeat this guy, I don't know how that makes a big splash on all the other civilized planets. If they're all as narcissistic as Earth, they'll never even notice! I mean, not that it's Earth's fault that they wouldn't notice. Even if Earthlings weren't completely up their own asses, they still don't have the kind of technology capable of letting them know what the Red Lanterns are up to many light years away. I think eventually they're just going to have to go with a heavy leaflet campaign.

To invade this planet, the Red Lanterns decide to try subterfuge and trickery as opposed to violence and more violence. Rankorr creates an illusion to look like the pirate that used to fly the Red Lanterns' new home because the pirate is good friends with Gensui. The main part of the plan is to kidnap Gensui and then tell Gensui to surrender. The next part of the plan is I don't fucking know. Maybe take him on tour so he can tell everybody how the Red Lanterns defeated him and how they'll defeat you too if you don't behave?

But eventually they realize that Gensui has just been fucking with them because the Pirate Barg (who was last seen thrown into space by Guy Gardner) has been on Kormorax this whole time. So it looks like the trap backfired! Next time, just go with the spraying hot lava vomit on everything.

Red Lanterns #25 Rating: No change. What the fuck do the Red Lanterns think they're doing? Playing Role-playing games? I think Guy is trying to turn them into some kind of Justice League and probably thought this was the kind of plan Batman would come up with, disguising himself as Matches Malone to break some mob woman out of Blackgate Prison or something. But now they're in the middle of a huge army with just the five of them to defend themselves. Luckily Zilius Zox remained on the ship. Or maybe unluckily! He might have been the first one killed! Also, I should remind my future self that Ratchet's ring was trying to slip off of his tentacle this issue but Ratchet pleaded with it not to go yet. Is Ratchet getting soft?!