The Green Team #8

Hearing your significant other constantly playing different versions of Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" in the background of your life may cause a potential mental breakdown.

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night til the sun.

We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get some.

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night for good fun.

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky.

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

The Green Team Rating: We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky! We're up all night to get lucky!

The Green Team #7

When did this comic book become Twilight?

J.P. looks more like a weregorilla than a werewolf. Except I don't believe in weregorillas. So he must be a werewolf that just looks stupid. Maybe he got too much Pug Blood in his werewolf mix.

This is the last issue of The Green Team so I should just skip the commentary. I'm never going to reread it since I won't have an issue #8 which means no need to remember what was happening in this issue. Oh! So that would make this a good place to talk behind my future self's back! Ha ha! That guy is such a huge failure. If only he'd made better choices in his life, he might actually be not miserable. Look at how fat he's gotten drowning his tears in package after package of Oreos! It's easy to picture what a crappy month he probably had since I'll never experience that month! The person that experiences that will be a totally other person and why should I have sympathy with that pathetic loser?! I'm just going to bask in the now of an early Friday morning, work looming a couple days in the future for that poor sap.

I'm starting to confuse myself! I'm speaking as if I know what's going to happen in another month so that when my future self reads this, the voice will sound as if it's speaking to him in the correct tense. Except I'm never going to reread this! I'm an idiot! This shit is fucking depressing. I don't even know what I'm doing. Worst writer ever. Where are my Oreos?

Let's concentrate on the comic book, shall we? It looks like the Green Team's Super Power Techno Discs have the ability to change the structure of the users DNA so that they eventually don't need the stupid suits. So J.P. is now the Beast of the team. And Cecelia is the Wolverine in that she can regenerate. Her claws will have to come from her pet cat as soon as her nanites infect it. Commodore 64 still wears his suit but that's okay because one person in a suit is fine. He's the Iron Man even though Iron Man isn't on the X-men. Although I think Tony Stark's drinking problem might be a result of a mutant gene. So he has the mutant power to drink but that sucks in battle so he had to develop a super suit to compensate.

Meanwhile, Temple Bellachek continues to look scrancy. That's scruffy and fancy at the same time.

I hope Cecilia can regrow her head because it isn't attached to her body anymore. Unless that's just her helmet. That's probably just her helmet. Although this is the last issue, so who fucking cares?

And look who just became The Human Torch!

I know! I know! That's from yet another fucking not-X-Men-team!

I suppose Mo could also be Iceman since purple electricity resembles ice just as much as it resembles fire.

Also, note how Mo finally became of romantic interest to LL here? Take that as a cue, "nice guys" that hate on women that never seem to go for the nice guy. First off, women don't owe you anything simply because of how nice you are. But second off and back on point, women want more than a "nice guy." You have to show that you can, at times, act like a grown ass man. They don't want to take care of a "nice boy." It's less apt to say women go for "bad boys" than to say they're attracted to men that show they can take care of themselves. So a man that punches another man in the face isn't attractive because he's a violent asshole. He's attractive because he's confident and makes decisions. Even if those decisions are kind of shitty and probably indicate he's a real jerk. Being a pacifist and walking away from a fight might be a noble position but it probably won't tip you over the edge on the attraction scale simply because there are too many other ways that your actions can be interpreted. Like you're a cowardly man-boy running home to mom. And you should probably listen to me because I speak from next to no experience on this subject!

The Werething isn't happy seeing it's sister smooching daisies with Mo. Unless "smooching daisies" is actually a sex act because I didn't mean to imply they were doing anything untoward in public. They were just kissing! Normal-like! On the lipsies! The Werething attacks Mo but lunges right through him because he must be composed of pure Purple.

And then as the fighting is getting supposedly intense (I can't tell for sure since I'm kind of yawning through it), Cecilia reappears! Literally! I think I can use literally there because she hasn't been seen for awhile so when I say "reappears" you'd think, "Oh, she just came back into the comic after being off-panel for so long." But I can use literally because she becomes visible after having been invisible like the X-men Sue Storm! Then there's more Daisy Smooching.

She kissed the Were right out of him.

After the fight is over is when the fighting really begins. Except it doesn't because Commodore surrenders immediately to Bellachek's goons. And even though they had orders to kill everyone, they decide not to kill everyone instead. I bet their ability to think for themselves and question orders will be seen as a sign of strength to their boss, Bellachek Temple!

Whoops.

The worst part about being fired by Bellachek Temple? He commands your replacement to kill you! What a dick.

Next Temple kills the replacement for back-talking him. If I were one of the remaining guards, I have a feeling I'd put a bullet in Temple myself at this point before the shit rolled far enough downhill to get to me. This guy is a maniac! Fuck the steady paycheck and great benefits package. Working for this guy is like working for The Joker.

The Green Team show up to defeat Temple once and for all but Temple has a surprise for them! He's been working with Daddy all along!

Why is his penis hanging out of his costume? Or is that a catheter he forgot to remove?

Green Team #7 Rating: No change. Whoops! Looks like there is still one more issue left! Now my future self is going to have to read those horrible words I left for him! Oh well, they're not that bad. I gave up before I got too mean because I'm a crappy writer and will probably just get even worse in the coming month.

The Green Team #6

Did anybody at DC truly envision this comic book reaching issue #100?

Enthusiastic DC Editor: "Hey guys! I know! Let's create a comic book about a bunch of trillionaires! Trillionaires have so much money that even Spell Check can't believe it's a real word! But you know who will buy a comic book about trillionaires? TRILLIONAIRES! It's like printing money!"
Less Enthusiastic DC Editor: "I'm not sure there are any actual trillionaires."
Enthusiastic DC Editor: "Well then billionaires will buy it!"
Less Enthusiastic DC Editor: "No billionaires are going to want to be reminded that they don't have a trillion dollars."
Enthusiastic DC Editor: "Then the poverty stricken masses will buy it up by the wagon load to escape their hum drum life to live vicariously through these characters! Remember how successful Richie Rich was?! Or Silver Spoons? Or Dif'rent Strokes?! Poor people love and idolize rich people!"
Less Enthusiastic DC Editor: "Whatever. I'm going to come up with another comic book starring The Batman."

I was hoping this comic book would give me tips on how to become a Teen Trillionaire but so far I'm still old and broke. Stupid comic book.

Last issue, The Green Team had been stranded on a meteor fighting some guy named Ass Tickle. I mean Icicle. Fuck, dude. I don't believe you should be granted super powers if you can't even come up with a creative name for yourself. Even Coldsnap would be better than Icicle. Even though Icicle has "sick" and "kill" in it, this jerk couldn't be bothered to trick up his name so it plays up to either of those things.

Icicle: "I'm Icicle! EMPHASIS ON THE KILL! Unless you pronounce it properly and then the accent is on the CULL!"

I bet Bellachek Temple has a brother named Cannon in Coral City!

The fight on the meteor continues with some not-so-innocent scientist getting killed because he decided to side with The Green Team and not The Icicle and his lover Bellachek Temple. Icicle then decides to smash the meteor into pieces, destroying the only working shuttle left on the meteor and sending everybody and everything crashing down into Earth's atmosphere.

It pretty much happens just like this. Except in Japanese.

They crash land their gigantic hunk of rock just outside of Bellachek Temple's offices in Chicago.

Oh come on, Green Team creative team! If you'd introduced this guy in the first few issues, you'd have had a hit on your hands!

I wonder if everybody in the corporate offices refers to Icicle as "I Suck Bel."

Commodore 64 chastises Bellachek Temple for using his power and money to make more power and money on the backs of people that have no power and money. Bellachek points out that Commodore 64 really isn't any different except that he's young and idealistic, and youthful idealism only sees what it wants to see.

Speaking of young people, I saw a Tumblr post awhile back about some youngster saying that the young person's mother was born in 1969 and she liked to append "69" to the end of her user names online. And the youth believed it was the kid's job to point out to the mom that she can't be doing that. Kid, believe me, she knew what she was doing. She was probably fucking proud that her year of birth was a fantastic sex act. Because "old" people aren't as ignorant as you might like to think. When teenagers lie to their parents and fool them, they sometimes think they're able to fool all adults. No, no. You know why your parents believe you actually fell asleep on the couch at your date's house as opposed to all the dick sucking and vagina licking that was going on? Because parents are in denial and they'd rather believe the lie than to imagine their kid having sex. You tell that same story to your uncle and he's just going to wink and smile. Seriously, what would you rather imagine if your parents went out on a date and immediately headed into the bedroom when they got home? "Boy, they must sure be tuckered out!" Or are you going to picture the fuckfest that is happening up there? Yeah, denial is better, right?

Of course, on the other side of things and just as annoying, are when young people are portrayed as ignorant of anything that happened before the nineties. Like that Jack in the Box commercial where the ditzy social media employee thinks watches were invented back in the olden days of the eighties. Age really has nothing to do with knowledge. Obviously the longer you've been around, the more you've probably accumulated. But the accumulation of knowledge takes effort or, at least, intense curiosity. But you can imagine how tiresome it is to meet someone over forty that hasn't bothered to retain anything and how intensely interesting a younger person can appear when they've been paying attention to more than just their immediate social group's activities. When you're sixteen, it's hard to think of your parent as a sixteen year old. But you just need to remember that a person is always, at all times, every age they've ever been. Older folks don't just relate to sixteen year olds. They actively remember themselves at sixteen; they still feel themselves at sixteen and what it was like and the person they were. They're still that person mixed with the twenty five year old and the thirty six year old and the eight year old. You don't just lose the feelings of your first crush long after your third divorce. That feeling can still be as intense as ever.

And I fucking don't know why Commodore 64's speech to Bellachek Temple set me off on that diversion. I suppose I needed something more to talk about than the Green Team fighting Icicle in space and crash landing in Chicago to tell the man that built their Super Hero Disks that he's an asshole.

Temple decides to have his men kill Commodore 64 but Cecilia jumps in the way and takes all the gunfire in her back. But she already regrew her arm, so I think she'll be okay regrowing all the other parts that were just shot off. Like her liver and her left lung. J.P. flips the fuck out and turns into a werewolf.

Well, I guess the disks do different things to different people!

The Green Team #6 Rating: +1 Ranking simply for the introduction of Bellachek Temple. Long after The Green Team is gone, I'm guessing this guy will find work harassing other comic book heroes.

The Green Team #5

I hope Brother Power the Geek gets to make an actual appearance before this series is relegated to the purgatory of comic books: THE QUARTER BIN!

Between this comic book sitting at the top of my stack and Call of Duty: Ghosts coming out yesterday, this blog almost ended! Seriously, why would I want to waste my time reading this mediocre crap about characters I've never heard of before and who aren't likable in the least? Well, maybe Mo might be likable. But he's not very interesting. And that's the problem! Even Scott Lobdell's shit holds my interest because it entertains me to criticize it. So I saw it at the top of my stack and couldn't bring myself to read it and then I played some Call of Duty: Ghosts and then I played more of that and then some more and a little more and I considered never doing anything else again. But then my body said, "Hey idiot. Feed me. And get some sleep." So I did that and now I'm writing this and I'm realizing how precarious everything in our society is! Especially life and love! And chocolate bars! And YMCA centers! It's all so fragile and ephemeral! And we take it all for granted every day! But we should embrace everything and live each day as if...oh, shut the fuck up, you platitudinous bitch! You know the hardest people to be around? People who have just recently almost died. Oh, NOW you love life? Get the fuck out of here!

Speaking of things that are circling the drain, let's read The Green Team! And let's embrace it and try to make it feel loved in its short time it has left, shall we?

Look, I'm a cynical, hard-nosed son of a whore (sorry, mom, but some people embrace truth over desire! Unlike you, you tart!). But sometimes I still laugh at trite, obvious, old jokes. I'm not going to apologize for that! Although I should apologize to my mom for that previous parenthetical reference to her sexual behaviours which I wouldn't fucking judge anyway, so shut the hell up, you offended jerks with no sense of humour! Of course, you probably think you have a sense of humour but when you're offended, you just point to the person making the joke and point out how common or broad they're being instead of allowing for the grace, intellect, and subtlety of the classic "my mom is a whore" joke. Snobs.

I think traditionally the joke is supposed to be about your mom, not mine, being a whore! Whoops! Dammit!

The Green Team is currently on a space mission to a runaway meteor. What's it running away from? The profound loneliness of deep space? Good luck getting away from that! It's nearly identical to the profound loneliness of the human condition! Unless the meteor finds another meteor to fuck its brains out on a near constant daily basis, it's in for a long motherfucking life of tears and near collisions with gassy giants. Just like my mom's life!

Some place called Bellachek Temple owns the runaway meteor. I don't know how they own it! Maybe they bought it from that website that lets you buy stars and shit. Apparently they don't want it running away, so The Green Team have been hired to unrunaway it. Also, Cecilia is still missing her right arm. I bet that when they find the meteor, it attaches itself to Cecilia's right shoulder and she becomes My Right Arm is a Meteor Girl! Unless she opts for the better name, Awkward Left-handed Handjob Girl.

Poor Cecilia. She can no longer do the Hand Jive.

The best part of The Green Team is that Mo's bodyguard Abisha keeps tagging along. Get out of here, grown up! You're ruining the good times! Unless you're going to buy the alcohol, nobody wants you hanging out in your electric blue Trans-Am trying to fuck all the underage girls!

From now on, I'm going to refer to Abisha as "Sticks" because it reminds me of a story that Grunion Guy wrote a long time ago when people were on the Myspace pages. Let me recount it for you in all of its glorious glory.

HIGH SCHOOL PARTY TIME!
By Grunion Guy

"School sucks and is really boring," pandered Sticks, the skinny kid who wasn't really popular but listened to rock and roll and smoked pot so he was cool to the people who knew what cool was (cool was drinking and smoking and wearing leather and not caring about grades, in case you're one of those clueless people who wasn't cool in high school). But some of the kids thought being cool was getting good grades or thowing a football straight or scoring with the hot girls who were cool because they were hot or just being good looking even. But Sticks wasn't one of those shallow cool people with the wavy blonde hair and clean teeth. He was cool because of the things he did and not because of the way he looked.

One of the cool things he did was drive a Camaro T-Top and park it in the school parking lot while everyone else was going to class. He would lean against its hood with his legs sort of crossed and a toothpick sticking out of his mouth. Hey, that was probably why they called him Sticks! Also he wore a leather jacket and smoked a cigarette too.

"Did I mention school was boring and for borers?" he repeated to anyone who would listen to him. Sticks was 28 and hadn't gone to school for a really long time because it was really, really boring. Also he had dropped out because his grades were so bad. But nobody cared about that.

The bell rang and all the cute young girls left their classes with their books pressed up against their bosoms and their really short skirts. Sticks combed his hair with grease which was cool for some reason and the chicks all dug it. Some of the hot chicks were passing by his Camaro now! Let's watch him be cool!

"Hey, dig this hot tune, ladies!" macho'd Sticks as he leaned into the T-Top and turned up the radio. Foreigner was playing and it was cool. It was on a tape. He owned the tape because he loved being cool and listening to Foreigner. "Hey, ladies. Did you know that the T-Top was called the T-Top because of its resemblance to a T and not because it was a way of getting around Porsche's copyrighting of the term 'Targa' on their 'Targa Top' sun roof which was pretty much the same thing but different somehow?" He rubbed his knuckles on his Tank Top (not his T-top! The Tank Top is a shirt!). The girls all giggled and ran quickly away with their skirts flipping up and down because they were embarrassed at his raw sexinessality and they were young and innocent and not ready to pop some cherries and grapes in the back seat of his hot ride.

"Catch you on the other side later, hot mamas," drawled Sticks in his cool guy accent.

"Hey! It's Sticks!" yelled the young kids he hung out with who were on the way to being cool like he was. But one of them was fat and couldn't be cool until he was skinny or did some harder drugs. And one of them was still concerned about the C he was pulling in English because he messed up on his book report about Huck Twain. And the other kid was almost cool but still liked playing Football on the sports team. And none of them could really be cool until they learned that the most important part of being cool was to not care about anything. Also, smoking cigarettes too.

"What are we gonna do today, Sticks?" lisped Petey the other kid I forgot to mention who was cool because he knew how to dress and sometimes wore eye make-up on his eyelids.

"We're gonna PAR-TAY!" yelled Sticks while throwing his fist in the air and yelling! Par-tay was the cool way of saying party and not Pig Latin for Tpar like you might have thought.

"All right!" all the nearly cool kids yelled as they piled into the T-Top Camaro and peeled one out of the parking lot. Pretty soon they were at the cabin by the lake and partying like nobody's business. It certainly wasn't the Sheriff's business but there he was anyway to break up the good time!

"What's all this?!" screamed the Sheriff as he shot his gun into the air. "Keep it down, you ruffians!"

"We'll keep it down when we're done partaying, old man!" muttered Sticks as he turned down the radio and waited for the Sheriff to turn around. The Sheriff narrowed his eyes and put a toothpick in his mouth also and then he turned around. When he did, Sticks threw an empty beer can at his head! But he missed since he never played the High School Baseball. The Sheriff turned around really quickly and narrowed his eyes even more.

"I'm watching you, Bosley Michaels!" he warned. He knew Sticks's real name because he used to date Sticks's mother in High School and the secret surprise is that he is really Sticks's father!

"Watch this!" shouted Sticks and raised up his middle finger high over his head. But this was after the Sheriff was gone so that he wouldn't be arrested. Then the fat kid turned up the radio and they drank more beer and partayed until school started again on Monday. Sticks probably did it with a couple of high school chicks too after they did some skinny dipping.

THE END!

Sticks is going to score.

After some drama, The Green Team lands on the meteor to start exploring. Commodore 64 wanted to check out the meteor because his father had connections with the Temple that owns the meteor. So I guess they're on this mission on their own as Kid Space Detectives and not as Independent Contractors working for Bellachek Temple. Anyway, I guess they're going to fight some aliens now!

Or super villains!

Also, I guess Bellachek Temple is a person and not a Jewish organization.

The super villain's name is Icicle and he immediately wants to show The Green Team some party tricks. It's an odd place and an odd time but I guess first impressions are pretty important, so if he wants to show off, who am I to rain on his frozen parade?

My biggest question regarding this whole meteor strip-mining ramming it into Earth with an Icicle super villain steering it is this: why is Icicle wearing pants?

Icicle. What a dumb name! At least 90s Image it up and call yourself ICIKILL! Ice Sickle would have worked as well but then he'd probably have to star in Katana and that would actually be worse than appearing in this book.

Commodore 64 suits up in his Green Power Ranger gear to battle Isickill while the others save the world from impending meteor doom! Hopefully none of them get Space Madness! I also hope Aerosmith doesn't write a smarmy song about this!

Things begin to go tits up which means things are going bad which is weird because it sounds like things are just starting to get awesome. But Icy Dead People begins freezing the fuck out of everything by creating ice out of non-existent water vapor or something. I don't know how it works! There doesn't have to be a scientific explanation for everything, does there?! I wonder how many people snort in derision when they read something like this and then wander off to pray to God? But I guess praying to God and snorting in derision is easier than actually learning shit.

"I don't want to close my eyes! I don't want to ever...." Oh no! Put away your fucking guitars, Aerosmith! Stop it! We're not going there! Shut it down, Stephen!

And then Icitickle destroys The Green Team's ride home! Oh well. Living on a meteor probably isn't so bad. I think next issue might be the last issue of this comic.

The Green Team #5 Rating: +2 Ranks. This comic might actually have had a chance from this point onward. Initial storylines can really fucking suck and drag on and hurt a fucking comic book. But now they're a team and they can go on fun missions where they have fun like swimming in a zero-G swimming pool and cuckolding each other in zero-G and fighting bad guys in zero-G! Everything is so much more exciting in zero-G! I don't even know if I'm writing that correctly! Is there a hyphen? Is Zero capitalized? Is the "g" not capitalized? I might know if I were actually intelligent and didn't simply rely on Lord Google for all of my knowledge, wisdom, and personality. Also my jokes.

The Green Team #4

Big deal. It'll grow right back. And if it doesn't, she's rich enough to buy a new one.

Speaking of Ernest Hemingway, I've got a degree in literature and I've never read a single one of his books. I'm only interested in reading one of his books because I've never read one of his books. I was assigned A Farewell to Arms in one of my college classes but since the final essay was only going to require discussion of two out of three books, I skipped reading it because I'm an efficient motherfucker. I also missed reading a lot of standard books assigned in Junior High or High School because I was always in the Advanced Classes or the Classes Where All We Did Was Study Various Versions of Romeo and Juliet. I will hate you until the day I die, Mr. Souza! So while I was reading Samson Agonistes, everybody else was enjoying Where the Red Fern Grows and Animal Farm.

Okay, that's enough banter. I have a lot of comic books to get through before I can read Forever Evil! So hold on tight, bitches! I'm turning these commentaries up to whatever the metric of eleven is! Probably ten!

Don't worry if that didn't make any fucking sense. We don't have time to stop every few sentences and think, "Hunh? What the fuck?" Just go with it! Sheesh!

Last issue, J.P. and Commodore 64 unmasked Riot and were super shocked to discover he was...well, I don't know who the fuck he was because the comic book decided to go all anti-dramatic irony on me. What did I decide that was? Undramatic Irony? You know, where the characters learn something on-panel but the reader isn't privy to the revelation? I suppose I could call it bullshit as well but there are children reading this.

A lot of shit has happened between issues. On page two, they're already confronting Big Daddy Riot.

I'm going to be in Las Vegas in October and I'm going to try running around the casinos in this kind of get-up! Minus the gun! Although I have a feeling with or without the gun, I'd be in for a shitty evening.

Before a nice, leisurely conversation can begin, Cecilia flips the fuck out and begins throwing Blackjack tables. I can't say I'm surprised that talking didn't happen before violence. But I am surprised that Cecilia gets her arm ripped out right at the top of page four. Just like the cover! And over so quickly! That's impressive since most covers usually spoil the big surprise moment that comes at the end of the issue.

Pick your caption: "Like the way you were born was any better?" or "Mo's obviously not the brains of this team."

Mob Rule Riot simply wants Commodore 64's suit since he believes it should have been sold to him. Although I don't know why he'd want a stupid mecha-suit when he has his multiplying powers. Unless the suit can multiply as well! That might be the case since Riot's clones don't all pop out of him naked.

Commodore 64 is captured and dragged away while Riot's clones continue to battle Mo and J.P. and Cecilia and Abisha. That gives time for Big Daddy Riot to reveal his secret identity!

Surprise! He actually is Big Daddy!

The revelation that Riot is Commodore 64's daddy isn't as exciting as it would be if I knew more about these characters. But it is exciting since I believe that Daddy Issues make the world go around!

Even though it was established last issue that the suits would only work for the person who first uses them, J.P. is able to use Cecilia's disc (which was originally his!) to become the Gold Green Team Power Ranger. It might be because his DNA was inside of Cecilia when she used the disc and the disc is kind of confused. Or it could just be that editorial thought it would be weird to have the big macho guy in the Pink Power Ranger Suit. Let me state, for the record, that I disagree. Anyway, J.P. fries all the clones left to battle the Green Team.

Meanwhile Commodore 64 is taken to his father's Secret Lair in Nice, France, where he can reveal his nefarious plot like a good maniacal villain!

Oh man! I don't have an heir! That means I need to discover the secret of immortality too! And how am I going to help the world grow without providing an offspring with severe Daddy Issues!

Do I need to say "needless to say" before I say J.P. and Cecilia and Mo and J.P.'s sister whateverthefuckhernamewas show up just in time to save Commodore 64's life? They were led there by pieces of Cecilia's mangled arm! But they're just the distraction to help Commodore 64 end his Daddy Issue's once and for all.

Is this the Scientific Version of "from dust to dust"? "From sperm to sperm!"

My favorite part about this moment is how the father in the podcast "Kids on Comics" is going to have to discuss this with his ten year old. I listened to their podcast on Green Team #1 and the son seemed super excited to continue reading this comic book. Now he's going to wonder why a son killed his father. Hey, Kids on Comics Dad? Might I suggest an Ancient Greek Play you might want to talk to him about? Although he may be weird around your wife after that.

Oh Mo. You're still young! You'll learn!

My main Daddy Issue? I didn't give a fuck what that drunken sot thought. So I have no ambition and am a complete failure!

Green Team #4 Rating: No change. Cecilia's arm will be okay when somebody sticks another dick in her. Disc! I meant disc! Sheesh. I can't wait until they figure out why J.P's disc worked on both Cecilia and J.P.! My bet is on the sperms!

The Green Team #3

Well Green Team! I'd like to say it was nice knowing you but fuck you rich, spoiled rotten bastards. I hope Deathstroke eats your rectums!

I cannot stand when a character in a story I'm consuming (this includes characters on reality television as well!) blames another character's actions on jealousy. It's not even Psychology 101. It's Psychology Pre-School After Nap Time Fun-Fun Activity Fun. But that caption I just wrote up there under the title? Purely based on jealousy. Who wouldn't want to be born with a silver spoon up their nose? And that's me saying that with the understanding that my personality and my strength of character would probably be diminished by about 65% (I did the maths!) due to easy living in a rich person's bubble and not totally understanding how hard the world can be. I'm willing to give up 65% of what makes me me just to have an easier life! I am such a shallow piece of shit. Ugh! That's another benefit! If I were rich, I would never even have considered that what I just considered makes me a shallow piece of shit! It's not fair!

Oh! Back to the "You're just jealous!" thing! Whenever a character says that, I instantly hate that character forever with no chance at redemption! I usually scream out something clever at the movie screen like, "Well, you're just stupid!" And then I try to get the person sitting in front of me to high five me. Unless the person in front of me is five or under, I'm usually left hanging. Screw you, adults! When someone offers up a high five, it's your job to awkwardly and embarrassingly and half-heartedly return that fucker! Unless you're at a sports game and then that shit becomes ritualistic. I bet the high five is the single biggest thing to blame for me hating sports. Also the way fans speak of their team in the first person plural. I didn't realize cracking peanuts and swigging beer was such an important part of the team dynamic! Congratulations on taking care of your part! High five?

Meanwhile in the comic book where there is less anger but more turning into robots, Celia was having issues with the cut on her arm. It seems to be infected and getting worse. Except first...DEATHSTORK! Shit. I mean...DEATHSTROKE!

All of Deathstroke's business meetings are working meetings.

I'm still pretty bitter about Deathstroke's comic book being so shitty. I'd like to know why Higgins was taken off of it to give to Rob Liefeld? Who buys a comic simply because it has Liefeld's name on it? This is how I know DC Comics doesn't know how to run a comic book company: they fucking hired Rob Liefeld. Look, assholes. Stop dreaming about the masturbation-filled halcyon days of the nineties where fans must have been fucked up continuously on ecstasy and whippits! He and his Image buddies may have become rockstars for who knows what the fuck reasons (seriously, I'm pretty sure I was the only sane person reading comic books in the 90s) but think it through a little bit. Those were the days when comic book companies began believing that the job of Writer was redundant. "Who needs a fucking writer when an artist can draw panel after panel of grim faced people from the future?" I don't know what the phrase "the tail wagging the dog" means but I think it might possibly describe the 90s comic business model. Maybe the phrase I'm actually looking for is "like a dog eating his own shit." Is that a phrase?

Wow. I'm not sure that paragraph actually went anywhere or had a coherent point but, fuck, I forgot how good it felt to blast Rob Liefeld and "90s style" comic books! I think "90s style" describes men drawn with lots of lines on their faces, women in poses only people that didn't learn to draw nude models in college would think were realistic, pouches, Rob Liefeld and 1000 characters with one eye because drawing symmetry is fucking hard, guns, grit, and Wall Street style speculation. There may have been barrels full of cash involved as well. And since all those went to Image, I can proudly say that not one dollar of mine was added to any of those fucking barrels. I know some people actually take pride in their accomplishments but I have to be proud of myself in whatever minor ways I can find since most of my memories are filled with disappointment, failure, and buckets of my own semen.

Masturbation was one thing I was good at! Don't take that away from me!

You know what amazes me more than people reading the comic books of Image in the 90s (Image has published a lot of terrific shit. So you don't have to email me defending them now!)? People reading my fucking commentaries. Y'all are weird.

Director's Cut Technical Commentary: "I've read one page of The Green Team #3 so far. And look at that TL;DR mess! Now keep your eyes open at the end of this commentary because you won't want to miss how I write one tiny paragraph to summarize the last ten pages!"

Some time in-between Issue #2 and Issue #3, Commodore 64 and Mo drove down to Miami in the Batmobile to meet with Deathstroke and see if he'd be willing to kill Riot for them. Even though these kids can pay some major money, Deathstroke seems adverse to killing Riot and would actually like to kill the rich kids instead. I'm not sure who Deathstroke is shooting at during this meeting. Probably like I said earlier: he just takes his business meetings during work hours.

Back in New York, J.P. and Cecilia have been besieged by Paparazzi. They're trapped in the hotel because Cecilia can't be seen in public with her new pink robot arm. Although it seems to me that people will see it and just think she's setting trends. Nobody would think it's a real cyborg arm! They'd just buy it as some new fashion trend and then all the teeny boppers will suddenly be roaming the malls with robot arms. And then Cliff Steele will be trying to get an interview on Old Fogey Radio to claim that he was wearing robot arms way back before it was cool! But before they can make any decisions on what to do, J.P. notices Riot watching them from a roof across the street.

I was so worried about Bubbles!

Apparently everybody knows where J.P. and Cecilia are hiding out because Cecilia sent the concierge to pick up Bubbles across town. Totally worth it.

Back in Miami, Commodore 64 speaks to Deathstroke as if Commodore 64 doesn't give a shit about what the weather will be like tomorrow. Luckily Mo's bodyguard, Abisha, seems to have a relationship with Deathstroke (not that kind! (well, maybe that kind! I shouldn't jump to conclusions!)) so Deathstroke is willing to keep from killing these kids and possibly take the job to kill Riot. Maybe. Possibly. Depending on how much money he can earn.

In the few pages he's appeared, Deathstroke has really redeemed himself! I'm beginning to respect the character again!

Mo and Commodore tag along with Deathstroke as he chases down Manfredi, the man he's been paid to capture.

This is the best issue of Deathstroke yet!

I should mention now that we're way past the error I'm going to discuss about Mo wearing one of Robin's old capes from out of the Batmobile. But while Deathstroke was asking about it, the colorist was smoking some really awesome hashish and just decided to make the cape suit colored. So between the messed up color and the sudden location change to Miami and Deathstroke shooting at who the fuck knew?, I was a little bit confused. And because I'm an established Writer (with a Big "W"! The biggest!), I can punctuate shit however the fuck I please.

Hmm, maybe after typing that last sentence, I should send a written apology to Howard Mackie. No, no. He was a shitty writer with a little, teeny, tiny "w". He did make a lot of money though! So if money is the proof of a great writer, he fucking wins that round!

Then I turn the page and see that fucking advert for the Annuals again. I really wish DC would just give me the fifth Wednesday of the month off!

And then the meeting ends successfully on a number of accounts!

That bugs the shit out of me when the comic book lies unevenly on the scanner! Look at that tilt! Look at it! Despise it! UGH!

Oh, and I seem to have forgotten to mention that Cecilia and J.P. escape when the entire hotel is airlifted away by Commodore's helicopters. And since the entire thing involved an actress at the center of it, everybody just shrugs it off as a publicity stunt. Hopefully, since Commodore had purchased the hotel earlier in the day, the Green Team didn't just kidnap a bunch of tourists.

The next day, everybody meets up in Monaco to battle Riot! That's because Riot's boss (who is probably the main Riot) lives there! I don't know how they figured it out. Maybe Deathstroke did the research. But when Riot attacks and J.P. tries to use Commodore's disc, he finds out that the discs attune themselves to the first person who uses them. So Commodore will always be Green. And Cecilia must always use J.P.'s disc now which is Gold. I bet that means J.P. will be the Pink Green Team Ranger #3! Mo winds up being the Powder Blue Green Team Ranger That Might Actually Be A Slightly Tinted White.

But Deathstroke arrives and does all the work capturing the various Riots anyway. Which is good because he's the only one getting paid.

Riot arrived in Harley Quinn's vagina?

Deathstroke is the one that traced the head Riot to Monaco but after capturing one for The Green Team to question, he takes his money and leaves. So Commodore unmasks Riot. He and J.P. are shocked to recognize the person under the mask as somebody they believed was dead. The reader never gets to see Riot's face though. And I don't remember them talking about a dead friend in one of the earlier issues but that doesn't mean they didn't. That just means I can't remember anything. Maybe it's Damian Wayne!

The Green Team #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was a terrific issue of Deathstroke. I wish the character I just read had been the one that starred in his own series! Then it might actually been entertaining and made some kind of sense.

The Green Team #2

The images in the camera lenses shouldn't be of her face. I'm pretty sure we all know what the Pappies would be focusing on in this shot.

Cecelia didn't have a pink robot arm last issue! She must be Pink Green Team Ranger #2! Why are they going to make the girl the Pink Ranger? They should make Mo the Pink Ranger so the comic book can be full of insensitive gay jokes! I don't see why the woman always gets to wear the pink suit.

To punch up my work uniform (which is not really a uniform. Just jeans and a shirt with the logo on it), I put pink shoelaces in my boots. One of the clerks at a store whose floor I clean asked, "Did your daughter get you those?" Really, kid? I keep thinking generations after mine are going to drop all the gender roles shit and I keep being disappointed. I also have a pink Nano and a pink Superman symbol keychain. When my hair was long, I had the bottom layer in the back dyed pink. I have issues with the color pink having been co-opted by the Breast Cancer Awareness Campaign although it is nice to be able to buy nearly any item ever invented in pink now.

This is my hair about seven years ago.

Anyway, when we last saw The Green Team, they weren't much of a team yet but that didn't stop Riot Act from attacking them. But then Riot Act is a bit more sensible than The Secret Society of Super Villains and their main goal isn't to just taunt super hero groups. Riot Act wants to torment rich kids! And probably kidnap them for a large ransom so that Riot Act's kids can be rich too. Commodore 64, the leader of The Green Team, stuck a disc on his chest and he became an armored Super Hero like Iron Man! But he was green instead of red and gold. Commodore 64 had a bunch of other discs in his pocket as well, so those will probably got to J.P. and Cecilia and Mo and maybe L.L. And possibly Bubbles.

Last issue was narrated by Mo. This time, we get Cecilia's viewpoint on the action.

Currently her viewpoint sucks.

It looks like Riot Act is a bit derivative of Mob Rule in power and name. They should form a Super Villain Team and call it Crowd Control. They could get Multiplex to join them! And maybe an evil, time traveling Duplicate Damsel! That team would be a confusing mess.

To save Cecilia, J.P. slaps Disc #2 on her hand and she transforms into Gold Green Team Ranger #2! I could say I was wrong about her getting the Pink Armor but I have a feeling that #2 was meant for J.P. and he simply slapped his disc on her because it was the only way he could think to save her life. She's actually slightly cut by the knife but the disc seems to have self-repairing Nanobot technology which instantly heals the cut. She has no idea how to control the suit so she ends up firing the feet rockets and shooting up through the skylight with J.P. and one of Riot Act's rioters hanging from her. Commodore 64's rockets fail but he's still got an escape plan ready to go!

Can this be considered a crossover? Or just grand theft auto?

Cecilia finally manages to work the weapons on her suit (after dropping J.P. Whoops!) and electrocutes the Riot Actors hanging from her. And apparently when one Riot Actonian is electrocuted, they're all electrocuted! Even their leader and/or original vacationing in Monaco.

Commodore 64 and J.P. have a bit of a text conversation now that all the Riot Actors have been ditched or turned into goo. I'm amazed that I understood everything they texted back and forth except for "hxc". Commodore tells them to lay low for a bit and they'll meet up later once they figure out what to do next. Here's my translated transcript of the phone conversation:

Commodore: "What's carrot? Walrus?"
J.P.: "Out by heads up display, Rhinovirus."
Commodore: "You okay?"
J.P.: "Got rid of psychedelics...hard time crashing."
Commodore: "Grate!!!! United States Two."
J.P.: "Why?"
J.P.: "WALRUS? We damaged heating and air conditioning - Did your walrus think mine understood Swahili?"
Commodore: "No. Hide. Find a hotel."
J.P.: "How long?"
Commodore: "Call you when we get two guns."
J.P.: "Cool."
J.P.: "Big time walrus. Carbon copy want to kill walrus. How to get Armor Off?"
Commodore: "Ring for good reasons. REALLY HARD."
J.P.: "THX!"

While J.P. and Cecilia go walrus hunting for some reason, Commodore and Mo and L.L. and Abisha take refuge in one of Mo's New York apartments with all of his items he purchased on eBay. Or meBay since this is a comic book and you can't seem to mention actual real companies or products in a comic book.

Mo owns Brother Power the Geek?

At the apartment, Commodore 64 gives his big speech about how he wants to use his money to change the world for the better instead of using his money to change the world by exploiting the masses and hoarding wealth. He wants to get weapons off the street and he's ready to form a super team to do so. But he's not sure his friends are willing to risk everything like he is. Abisha knows somebody who might be able to help out though. I don't know who it is because the scene ends so that we can see J.P. and Cecilia make out. I don't know how she can think about sex when who the fuck knows where Bubbles is. Doesn't she care? Oh, I guess when you see your pet as an accessory and not a friend, you can misplace it for days and not really worry too much.

I guess having Nanobots restructure your arm might make you forget about your poor little Ocelot also. Although she didn't have this excuse earlier!

The Green Team #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope Brother Power the Geek gets some life zapped into him so he can hang around with the Green Team and tell them how awful they all are. Or he can join the team because it seems like Mo and the Commodore aren't just spoiled rich kids. Maybe he can be their hippie moral compass, cooking lentils and calling everything a drag.

The Green Team #1

Finally! Characters that *I* can identify with!

It's about time a comic book showcases wildly rich, shallow young people drinking too much booze and exploiting rare wild animals simply to have an interesting accessory for other people to talk about. I've been reading comic books for about twenty five years and Tony Stark was pretty much the only guy representing me! But he was too ambitious and intelligent, so I still felt left out. But now! Just look at that cover! That's exactly how I've been living my life! Hopefully one of these guys likes to have sex with 80s gaming consoles or else I'll still feel underrepresented in the world of comic books.

The whole entire shebang begins with a kid named Mohammed heading to New York to try and meet with the super duper rich kid leader of the Green Team, Commodore Murphy. Mohammed is trying to prove to his father that he can make lots of money and he's hoping The Green Team can help him out with that. Commodore Murphy has secret Expos for mad scientists and crackpots to show their gizmos and gadgets which the Commodore then purchases to use for The Green Team. I'm guessing.

Thanks to instantly running into the cowboy hat wearing one's sister, Mohammed gets an introduction with the team.

Something better happen soon because these rich kids are boring me.

Commodore Murphy is definitely scouting equipment for use in super heroing but his pal J.P. in the Cowboy Hat has reservations about the stupid idea. Why put your life in danger when you have a fuck-ton of money to do anything you want? I guess that question answers itself since Commodore wants to be a superhero and has a fuck-ton of money. And being as rich as he is, he probably lives in a bubble and can't imagine anything bad ever happening to him. If he can spend enough cash, he should be able to buy invincibility and immortality.

While Mohammed is trying to figure out what the Commodore and his Green Team is all about, J.P. figures out that Mohammed has been uploading pictures from the event. Pictures tagged #GreenTeam with the GPS data still on them. This is a bad thing. Because rich people like to get kidnapped.

This guy, Riot Act, is the most interesting thing about this comic book so far.

To combat Riot Act, Commodore shoves a green disc on his chest and becomes Green Team Ranger #1! He then immediately flies off into a wall. Mohammed shoots Riot Act with an experimental laser from the show that doesn't do much of anything. And Mo's bodyguard tries his fists. They don't work but on the plus side, they're about as effective as lasers! That's got to be a confidence boost.

The Commodore learns to control his suit and get the upper hand on Riot Act just in time to find out that Riot Act is not a solo act.

Riot Act are a bit similar to the Emoticon guys from Morrison's pre-boot Batman Incorporated. Except with silly faces instead of emoticon faces, of course. I said similar to, not exactly like!

The Green Team #1 Rating: Rank #30. I'm a big fan of Ig Guara and I really like the look of this comic. And I'm absolutely sure that it will pick up in future issues but the set-up has been as dull as a rich person's garden party. It's the after hours drug fueled sex orgy that I'm looking forward to and I hope that begins in Issue #2!