Red Hood and the Outlaws #24

Ooh! Ooh! Who is it?! The Caped Batflamboyance?! The High Collared Batfop? The Royal Batdouchebag?

So Jason Todd was bitten by the Dress Like Brother Blood Bug. There are worse viruses that can infect your system. Although that Goddamned leering Bronze Tiger is still pissing me off! And making me hungry for cereal!

Last issue, Red Hood defeated his friends, The Outlaws. But The Outlaws were okay with that because they love Jason Todd and they believe in him and they know that even though he has forgotten everything he ever knew, he still loves them, way deep down in his heart where amnesia can't penetrate! I mean, he can't remember their faces or their names or what it felt like when his dick was deep within them, but you can't erase love! Right?!

The issue begins with December Graystone having a Blood Battle with a mysterious man in Assassin's Creed Cosplay. December remembers this mysterious figure and also has a stupid name. You know what doesn't make you creative? Naming your child. If that's the limit of your creative genius as a human being, you've failed. Especially if you've named your child December. Why not Decagon? Or Decimate? Anything with the Roman prefix for ten is really popular this year! Decompose! Oh wait. That's different somehow. Maybe December was actually named after Francis E. Dec! Now that's something of which I can approve! Normally, I would say, "That's something I can approve of!" But I wanted to sound more sober than I actually am.

Getting back to that mysterious figure, I don't know who it is. Ra's al Ghul? Did he set this all up as a Halloween prank? I still hope it's Bruce Wayne trying to find the Fountain of Undeath to toss Damian into. Although Bruce has lost Damian's corpse, so it really isn't going to help him any.

Underground, Jason Todd and the League of Assassins are busy trying to keep The Untitled out of the pool.

Really? Because I'm fairly certain there are only six or seven of them. The unamnesiac Jason Todd could have taken care of them with his memories tied behind his back! Oh wait....

I guess when your enemies can turn into amorphous blobs of ghostly sentimentality when they're stabbed in the face, six or seven is all that are needed to wipe the floor of Assassinsville with your still beating heart. Luckily Jason Todd is getting advice from his Magic Swords, so he doesn't have to rely on his memory to remind him that The Untitled can be killed by copper. This whole amnesia thing at least gives The Untitled lass from way back in Issue 3 or 4 an out for letting that secret slip! That was almost embarrassing!

Meanwhile Roy Harper is sitting in prison beneath the surface of the beneath the surface city of 'Eth Alth'Eban. I hope I didn't just summon a Great Old One by typing that! Hopefully if I did, it'll be confused by the change back to Standard Time and he'll wind up where I will be an hour before I get there! Except all I do is sit at my desk or in front of the Xbox, so that probably won't help any.

Anyway, Roy is sitting in a cell talking to Cheshire who is sitting outside the cell masturbating. Well, she's not actually masturbating because this isn't a Mature Comic and, from what I've heard from my friend J.T., masturbation doesn't exist in the DC Universe. That might explain a lot of shit! Especially Batman! That guy is pent the fuck up. No, Cheshire is not masturbating. But she's staring at Roy Harper and thinking about fucking his face and his fist and probably his feet and most especially his cock and probably fucking him with her fist and maybe with his quiver and probably fiddling about the edges of his anus with just the tip of his great, big, massive bow. But then, who hasn't had those thoughts about Roy Harper? Well, I haven't! I hate him! He's the stupidest motherfucker in The New 52! Fans of Roy Harper should actually be upset that he wasn't sidelined for this shit!

Oh God Damn It! I didn't mean to make you cry! I'm sorry, okay? OKAY?!

Last issue, I was bitching that the writers kept telling us how caring and sweet and emotional Roy Harper was but the comic book wasn't actually showing that side of his character. He just kept doing selfish shit while acting like a smart mouthed jerk. This is the first time I'm actually believing there's more to him! I've been waiting for this moment since James Tynion took over the writing duties. I knew Lobdell was never going to make him anything more than a mouth with smart remarks. And by smart, I mean irritatingly stupid, actually. But you know, smart remarks is the idiom people understand. They don't say, "Enough with the irritatingly stupid remarks, irritatingly stupid mouth!" Although they really should.

Anyway, it's those tears that finally get Roy Harper fucked by Cheshire! Which is actually counterproductive to what he supposedly just confessed because here he is getting selfishly laid while his best buddy fights for his life and his other best buddy sits in chains which is her worst nightmare. Good for you, Roy!

This is going to be my go-to post-coitus line from now on!

For some reason, Roy Harper's story is the most interesting part of this book this month. Back at the big battle, Jason Todd has discovered that he can kill The Untitled by dunking them in the Well of Sins. Or maybe he's just being tricked, right? Maybe that's what they want! It's hard to tell because comic books like to alter reality every few pages and call it a "twist" as opposed to "the writer changing his mind mid-script." Jason also discovers that his memory wasn't just wiped but that Ducra fucked with it somehow. She may have even implanted herself in there like a disgusting spider that lays eggs in your brain after you've gone out in a beehive hairdo.

The leader of The Untitled, Ducky McSideburns, is shoved in the well and has his powers sucked out of him, turning him back into a real boy. Afterward, Lady Shiva and her army of Manbats begin gathering up the rest of The Untitled and tossing them into the Well.

Umm, Lady Shiva? That outfit might be just a little bit too tight.

While Cheshire takes Roy to see Starfire, the mysterious Assassin's Creed Cosplayer arrives to nitpick Jason Todd's successful campaign against The Untitled. He's also come to take a dunk in the now re-powered Well of Sins because it's been a long time since he's had a nice long bath in a decent Lazarus Pit. Most of the other ones he's soaked in were mostly composed of urine and bits of dead flesh.

I thought about scanning the full page reveal that it is Ra's al Ghul but this page is better in that it sums up the first two years of Red Hood and the Outlaws in one page. And it's a much better read! And quicker!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. Yay for the end of The Untitled arc! Hip hip yippee! Perhaps James Tynion will now feel free to abandon every single piece of shit plot hook left by Scott Lobdell and turn this into a comic book worth reading! And maybe Ra's al Ghul and the League of Assassins will eventually get their own title!

Addendum (that has nothing to do with Red Hood but should go somewhere): One of the worst things about life is not being able to control even the things that seem inherently under your own control. Over the last month or two, this blog has seemed like a chore. I would write a commentary and just be sad that it wasn't what it should be. I wind up disappointed and upset that I'm failing the readers. And I always feel I could change that, if I just tried harder! If I just put more into it! Somehow it was my own lack of desire to write commentaries that would make myself laugh when I reread them. But this happens occasionally, of course. I know this. I live it. The brain chemistry goes through its cycles, its motions. And eventually I return to the point where writing the commentaries comes naturally and fills me with energy. There's a manic rush where my mind throws out too many responses to everything I'm reading. Maybe too much sometimes as I mix up everything I'm trying to say! But those commentaries can be funny too as they boggle the mind and you just have to wonder, "What the fuck is that guy thinking?" Even I don't know sometimes, just a month later when I reread them! But getting through those times when I'd rather be in bed sleeping than reading comic books can be pretty fucking annoying. But right now? I'll embrace this feeling. Let's read more comic books, shall we?!

Green Lantern Annual #2

Broadway style!

Hear what the critics are saying about the new Broadway hit, "Lights Out!":

"DAZZLING!" -- Barry Allen, CSI: Broadway
"A TRIUMPH OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT!" -- Clark Kent, The Daily Planet
"A UNIVERSAL TOUR DE FORCE!" -- Oracle, The Omnipotent Star
"I COULDN'T STOP GRINNING!" -- The Joker, Tape 34, Inmate Interview

The show begins against a backdrop of stellar lights. An exceedingly large man enters, lit only from behind. A low, mournful moan begins to fill the empty space. He reaches the middle of the stage where his face is lit from above. Tears stream down his cheeks and he blubbers and sniffs uncontrollably. He has a terrifyingly awkward cry face. This goes on for a few minutes as everybody in the audience shifts uncomfortably. He mutters, "I tried to tell them. I tried to show them. Why wouldn't they listen to my unconfirmed theories? Why did they insist on experimental proof to back up my belief that the universe was going to die?" He wanders over to the stage right where a light switch on the wall is suddenly illuminated by a spotlight. "I showed them! Just like this I showed them! The Universe before the Lightswitches! And...THE UNIVERSE AFTER!" After his shout, he flips the light switch and the stellar backdrop goes dark. Only the large man, Relic, is still lit, tears still falling down his face. "And now a new universe and still nobody is willing to listen!" The lights go dark, the stage explodes in cacophony and when the lights come on:

The opening song and dance, paying obvious homage to West Side Story.

The opening duet between Hal and Guy, called "We Lost John," acts to inform the audience of the things that have happened before this scene on Ysmault takes place. It's apparent that a lot has happened up to this point to pit these two men against each other. Guy's lyrics are fast and forceful, sung as if he can't get the words out fast enough or loud enough. Hal's lyrics are drawn out and sustained, with notes often lasting throughout Guy's frenetic outbursts. It is apparent that these two have a long and turbulent history and that they share a good friend, John Stewart, who has been killed in the current cosmic crisis, still a relative mystery to the audience. Guy's erratic dancing is backed up by a cavalcade of vicious looking creatures. Hal's slow, deliberate movements take place in front of a group of softer, more whimsical creatures who sway gently to his song.

From the opening scene, the audience learns that a powerful entity named Relic has been destroying the friends and partners of the people on stage in order to save the universe. Planets are being destroyed. The Lanterns way of life is threatened. And the conflict between Guy and Hal is soon overshadowed by a heartbreaking song by Carol Ferris, the Star Sapphire, Lantern of Love. It's called, "I Love a Real Man Now Instead of a Boy Who Loves Himself (and is Probably the Worst Green Lantern Ever Because He's So Self-Involved)." You might not be able to tell by the title but the emotional impact of the song will bring anyone to tears. At least, anyone who has ever loved somebody that thought they loved you but what they really loved was the person they were when they were being loved by you and didn't actually love you so you had to move on to find somebody capable of actually being able to love you instead of just loving being loved by you. The song is also very funny which you might be able to tell by the title since it's about leaving a quintessential macho fighter pilot man (because he's not much of a man, actually) for a slacker comic book artist who has a history of finding girlfriends in his refrigerator. Okay, just one girlfriend. But that's still a history!

The stage direction is incredible in scenes like these when the cast must travel across vast distances. The movement on stage is facilitated by a moving platform (reminiscent of Les Miserables) with pulleys and bungee cords (reminiscent of Cirque du Soleil).

As Star Sapphire and the rest of the cast are flung up and into the rafters, the stage goes dark for just a few seconds before a large brown backdrop of twisted faces and broken machines merge into a great wall that looks like a rock climber's practice wall. The entirety of the set is lit from the top, casting long shadows across the stage. Relic, the tall man (the illusion of his height reminiscent of the costumes in The Lion King), stands center stage as he sends out probes to examine the wall. He turns to the audience and says, "I need more light." That's when a man dressed all in white emerges from the orchestra pit surrounded by a half dozen small, blue people dressed in costumes probably taken directly from a production of Hair. Kyle (the man in white) and the Bohemian Guardians (the blue people) float about on invisible wires as they move about the large, brown backdrop, investigating it closely. Relic remains, at all times, firmly planted on the stage.

Every time Relic is on stage, the audience is made to feel as uncomfortable as possible. He seems to care about this universe that is not his and yet he is so obviously The Other, the audience is repelled by his passionate speeches. He is the Unheimlich and we shift in our seats and exchange furtive glances and simply wish he'd depart. Especially when he begins singing "Penetrate The Source Wall." Every lyric of the song could be spoken by a first grader and nobody would bat an eye. Yet when sung with Relic's off-putting intensity and sung behind the constant stream of tears and matched to the awful, staccato movements of the Relic puppet-costume, they are disgusting, puerile, offensive, and crude. Lines like "I dedicated my existence to finding my universe's reservoir" bring to mind images of a rapist incessantly stalking its victim as opposed to a dedicated scientist trying to save the Omniverse. And then his rape fantasies that had been projected onto the Source Wall turn suddenly real as he sings "I was sure I'd captured enough spectrum energy to pierce it, but perhaps you can give me what I need" and he attacks Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians with dozens of mechanical phalluses.

Creepy. This scene is reminiscent of last year's off-Broadway hit, "Volthoom!"

As Relic's song finishes, Kyle spins frantically in midair above the middle of the stage. Rainbow lights play off him as if he were a disco ball above a roller rink. And suddenly he stops, completely still, bathed in green and red lights as Hal Jordan, Guy Gardner, and their back-up dancers arrive by invisible wire from all sides of the stage (including above). The next number is a gigantic space battle with so many flashing lights it probably causes epilepsy in healthy brains. The song is called, "Time to Shine (Even Though We Only Have 0.00002% Charge Left in Our Rings)."

During the middle of the song, as Relic is surrounded by the Red and Green Lanterns, the lights suddenly go dark. The music continues, very, very softly. Spotlights illuminate a smaller stage that has either dropped from the fly or extended from the top of what was the Source Wall, high over the heads of the other actors now silent and still in the dark below. On this platform stand John Stewart, the Lantern thought dead earlier, and his gang of young, brash Green Lantern recruits. They are surrounded by dour violet people with staffs. John Stewart performs a short recitative in which he explains how the Green Lanterns will need every Lantern at their disposal, from the strong, stand-offish Indigo Lanterns to the new recruits that have not yet earned their emblems but are willing to do what they must. He walks to the edge of the platform and looks down as the scene below slowly begins to light once more and the actors begin their choreography, slowly at first and then back to normal pace as the song resumes with John and the others standing above watching.

As the song reaches a crescendo, Guy Gardner flies in to blast Relic but his red light is reflected back at him. That's when John Stewart dives from the stage above and tackles Guy Gardner out of the way as they swoop down, seemingly about to hit the stage but fly outward and arc above the audience where Stewart punches Guy in the face.

I thought it was a mistake the night I saw the play but I'm surprised to learn that the punch actually connects in every performance!

As John Stewart delivers his "deranged Santa" line and he and Guy head back to the stage, the lights dim, the curtain closes, and it's time for intermission.

I'm sorry to report that during intermission, I met a nice lady (a very, very nice lady) at the bar and we got to drinking and talking and, well, I missed a good portion of the second half. While I argued with the usher to let me back in, I could hear some song about a key and the White Lightswitch and the Source being replenished. By the time I got back to my seat, Relic was now merged with the Source Wall and Kyle Rayner was nowhere to be found.

I thought, "A Love Tether could get them home safely if only Carol Ferris loved another man somewhere on Earth! Like her father or her high school crush she recently got back into contact with on Facebook!"

I must admit, I expected the next song and dance to be an upbeat ragtime number by the Indigo Lanterns as they sang, "Hey, Morons, Did You Forget About Our Power of Teleportation?" Instead, John just kind of goes, "Umm, Hal? Indigo Lanterns?" and the lights go out for not even a second. When they return, everybody is still standing in exactly the same places but The Source Wall is gone. In its place is a lush, green world. A voice that must have been wired through speakers surrounding the entire building since it rumbled through every part of my being said, "Welcome to the new home of the Green Lantern Corps." It was Mogo, the sentient planet. And my liver and kidneys and all my other squishy bits are over the moon that that was his only line in the entire production.

The final celebratory song, called "The Oath," is full of joy and crazy, upbeat orchestrations. The stage is full of ecstatic choreography as the Green Lanterns' celebrate. But perceptive audience members find this ending undercut by the occasional Green Lantern unlit by a green spotlight, head hung low, as each walks slowly from the edges of the crowd and off the stage. It seems Relic's unsupported, wild theory of Peak Light has wormed its way into the hearts of other Lanterns. Nobody truly knows yet what happened or why. Why were the rings cutting out? What were the Entities trying to do? What did Kyle and his belief in his own power and his breaching of the Source Wall contribute to the restoration of the rings? Nobody knows. Yet Relic's triumphant cheer that he was correct and it was all fixed thanks to his calculations seem to have still caught the ear of the less logical members of the Lantern Corps. Good riddance!

Green Lantern Annual #2 Rating: Well, that was kind of a cosmic letdown. Relic was right? There was a reservoir that needed to be filled? And it was filled by the Light Entities? How? Where did they come from that they could replenish the Source? And does that mean that Fear and Death were not replenished? And if this all seems to be true, how can any Lantern rightfully continue in the job if it means they're speeding up the end of the universe? So after this great cosmic crisis, all that really happened was Oa was destroyed but now Mogo has taken Oa's place. So that's a superficial change. The Red Lanterns get to patrol a sector of space as their own. Again, a superficial change although it, at least, gives The Red Lanterns something to do. And Kyle Rayner isn't allowed to interact with anybody any more. That's not much of a change either as he has been on a mostly private cosmic quest for most of The New 52 anyway. I was hoping there would be a change to the routine nature of the Green Lanterns but I guess DC has that shit set in stone. Central Battery. Center of the Universe. Patrol. Recharge. Police. Be Arrogant. All in a day's work for The Green Lanterns!

Red Lanterns #24

What a surprise. Hal's "talk" turns into a fistfight with Guy. And is Guy dual wielding Red Lantern rings?

Being a super hero is like being the drunk asshole forced out of the bar at closing time to suddenly mix with everybody else on the street. Sooner or later, somebody is going to say something that the drunk can use as an excuse to start throwing punches. If real life disagreements or conflicts ended in violence at the same rate as in comic books, we'd all be walking around with black eyes and fat lips. Physically beating somebody to a pulp doesn't mean you've won the argument. It means you've completely failed to counter the other person's argument so you decided to change the battle's weapons from words to fists. I suppose some people think of that as an effective way to resolve problems. Of course, those people are stupid assholes.

This issue begins on Earth.

I mean Ysmault! It's easy to get confused when DC can't even get their space sectors right. Ysmault is in Space Sector 666. A reader pointed out that this information I've been working with (that Ysmault is in Sector 666) is wrong! I was led astray by Red Lanterns #1 which gave me the wrong information. And that was when I was naive and actually trusted everything DC was telling me about their own universe!

In New Guardians #24, the Indigo Lantern planet of Nok was also said to be in Earth's sector of 2814. Since I don't actually know where Nok is located, I didn't mention it because I thought there was a possibility it could be correct. Now I'm not so sure!

Last issue Bleez caught Guy Gardner screaming into his Green Lantern Ring for Hal Jordan to come drag his ass off of the universal dump that is Ysmault. They have a discussion that doesn't involve putting their hands on each other. It's possible that since Red Lanterns know that any physical confrontation will inevitably end in one of the participants being killed, they see violence amongst themselves as a last resort. Whereas with the usual super heroes, they just love to test their limits against each other because they're mostly sure that nobody will die. So what harm is there in seeing if you can get a really good lick in on The Batman? Although Batman won't hesitate to break bones, so heroes should try to avoid poking him with a Batstick.

See? When fighting ends in death, more people resort to talking!

Guy decides to come clean about his real reasons for having come to Ysmault. The other Red Lanterns don't take it so well but whatever they were going to do about it is interrupted by Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps' surprise visit! That probably makes his revelation that he's done with the Green Lantern Corps seem a little less than honest.

Meanwhile in deep space, Atrocity and Dex-starr share a moment.

Oh, how cu...seriously? The Atrocity Butcher? Luckily that name doesn't last long as Kyle Rayner comes along to corral the Butcher.

Back on Ysmault, the Red Lanterns decide to defend their world from the assault by The Green Lanterns. Seems reasonable. But the Green Lanterns don't have much power, so Hal tells them to simply defend themselves while he tries to talk with Guy Gardner. That works out decently enough with Hal suffering only a fat lip before Guy decides to hear him out.

Guy wasn't really making a joke. He was just pointing out how easily he could be killed at any moment by one of the other Red Lanterns. I guess that's just funny to Hal.

What does Guy Gardner want in exchange for helping Hal defeat Relic? The Red Lanterns get their own sector to do with as they see fit. Guy says where they'll be the law but we all know that "the law" means nothing to a bunch of Red Lanterns. Luckily for Hal Jordan, the easiest sector to give them is the one in which Ysmault resides: 666. And that's pretty much a dead sector thanks to The Guardians' Manhunters many, many years ago. So while Hal is selling out a Sector and taking away its protectors (although, seriously, good riddance!), at least it's a sector that doesn't need much protecting. Probably. 2814. Which means Hal really is going to have to sell out some other sector! Unless he just picks 666 because of all that struck out nonsense.

And out on the edge of the Omniverse, Relic is trying to penetrate the Source Wall. He's on his 42nd try with his automatic ramming piston but, once again, he fails to get off. But Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians arrive to help! For some reason, Kyle also wants to now bring down the Source Wall. Perhaps it's to free up the emotional spectrum trapped on the other side? Because right now, the Lanterns need batteries to tap into the power. But once the power is freed, they won't need the stupid batteries anymore! Right? And there will be some other comic book reason that will prove to Relic that his theory about the Lightswitches killing the universe was wrong! I bet he finds out that they were actually helping to maintain the universe by siphoning off power in much the same way that The Flash helps keep the Speed Force under control by using up the excess built-up power.

Red Lanterns #24 Rating: No change. If Guy Gardner is going to remain a Red Lantern, he's going to have to make up with Atrocitus somehow. Or maybe Atrocitus and Dex-Starr will become the villains of Sector 666 Whatever Sector The Red Lanterns Get. Probably not. I have no idea where the Red Lanterns will go from here. But hopefully they'll stop getting dragged into all of the Green Lantern Corps' cosmic crises!

New Guardians #24

Time to finish Lights Out in one sitting so I don't forget any more of what's happening!

Relic has recently destroyed The Blue Lanterns' world and Oa. It was pretty hilarious. I think John Stewart and/or Hal Jordan have a plan. Maybe it was Kyle Rayner who had the plan. It probably wasn't Guy Gardner. I think he'll be all for his planet being destroyed since the Red Lanterns' world is a miserable pile of feces.

This issue begins with a bunch of impotent members of the Green Lantern Corps (and some of their impotent friends as well!) standing around on space rocks watching Oa explodiferate. Everyone moans and whines and denies evidence presented in grand fashion right in front of their eyes. They should really be more concerned with the charge left in their rings before they, too, wind up explodiferating.

Hal Jordan's worst plan ever? Probably not although "talking" and "Red Lanterns" don't really belong in the same solar system.

After Hal conceives his plan (or has he hatched it? Or did he do both, first his brain fucking itself to conceive the plan and then the plan hatching fully formed from his mouth?), the Lantern Corps Entities arrive. I don't know where they were going that caused them to stop by Oa to pick up Ion and then wander off again to return to where Oa once was. I don't think they're very good at planning routes for their errands. Perhaps it was just that Kyle Rayner arrived on Oa after the entities had been through because he's what they're looking for this time. Apparently the Entity Graveyard exists inside Kyle Rayner's chest. The only three entities that don't make an appearance are the Red, Yellow, and Black Entities. They must have decided they look cool and fascist together, so they ran off to make fearful angry dead babies.

The Entities possess Kyle's body so that they can run off and do whatever it is they need to do. It has nothing to do with the Corps or with Relic, so they (or He Who Is Many) teleport all non-essential personnel to Ysmault for that really dumb "let's talk with the Red Lanterns" plan Hal is so stoked about. Also, all non-essential personnel means everybody but Kyle.

Meanwhile John Stewart and all of the new recruits have their own plan: go talk with the Indigo Lanterns. That plan is possibly worse than Hal Jordan's!

John Stewart: "We need your help saving the universe!"
Indigo Lantern: "Nok nok nokkity nok nok nok."

At least the Red Lanterns have a pool that teaches its members how to stop being incomprehensible. And you know the Indigo Lanterns aren't speaking anything but nonsense since none of the rings ever translate what they say.

Has anybody stopped by to tell the Indigo Lanterns that they aren't going to be using their plan to stick Indigo Rings on the old Guardians' fingers? I suppose they're still busy making their Remorse Rings.

Kyle continues to struggle against the Entities' possession of his body. He can't do it alone but the Bohemian Guardians show up to help him get free. I can't begin to understand how the mind of a light entity works but apparently it works a lot like the mind of a super hero. In comic books, how much time is wasted on an annual basis by people declaring there is no time to explain and then end up battling the person that needs the explanation? Hasn't anyone figured out that it takes less time to tell people your plan than to beat them to a pulp? I can't be too mad at these weird light beings because, in their defense, teleporting Hal and his crew to Ysmault took nearly no time while explaining something to Hal would probably have taken a full college semester.

The Bohemian Guardians attack the Entities in outer space while Kyle attacks them from behind in inner space.

His attack plan is to ask philosophical questions that are unanswerable because they make no sense anyway. Why would somebody fight an ocean? I suppose if the ocean is hitting on your spouse and being highly crude and inappropriate. But how often does that happen?

Kyle's answer to his own question is that you don't fight oceans. Good answer, right? Now wait. He continues with "You let them fight each other." Is that why the surf at the beach is so violent? Because it's the Pacific fighting with the Indian and the Arctic fighting with the Atlantic and the Southern Ocean going, "No! Wait! Stop! Why must we fight?!" That makes sense.

Kyle also comes to another conclusion about fighting oceans! Instead of fighting them, you should probably just go with the flow and let them decide what to do! Because paddling in an ocean is like kick boxing on the sun! I mean, it doesn't get you anywhere!

You know, if only Relic had allowed the information to go both ways when he had Kyle trapped inside his own mind, this whole dispute could have been resolved immediately!

New Guardians #24 Rating: No change. You know, if characters in comic books decided to use communication as their first method of conflict resolution, far more would get accomplished. Sure, people might expect comic books with less throat punching to not be as exciting. But I have a feeling if everybody just sat in a room and shared their feelings and their desires, it would be just as interesting and exciting as people in skin-tight costumes punching each other in the tits. Okay, maybe not as exciting. Perhaps if their conflict resolution caucuses were conducted in the nude that would make up for the lack of curb stomping.

Birds of Prey #24

Have I ever liked this comic book? Why is it so poorly put together?

As an experiment, I'm going to go sit down somewhere nice and cheery and read this comic book straight through without interrupting myself. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know how it will change the way I discuss the comic book in this commentary. But something has to change somewhere. DC's comic books are killing my soul.

I'm using soul metaphorically! Obviously we don't have some invisible piece of lacy froufrou stuck to the end of a silver cord stuffed somewhere inside of us on which our entire essence is encoded. What we do have is a sickly gray blob full of electricity! And that shit stops working when the lights go out.

Experiment failed! Three pages in and I can't not talk about this stupidity!

Page One, Batgirl in a dramatic Boobs-Butt Showcase ponders how she is going to follow Basilisk as they fly away in a helicopter with her friends. Her Batcave Panel Van isn't going to do the trick! Neither is her Battercycle! So how is the comic book going to continue?!

Cue the man waiting on the ledge of the building!

Whew! Good thing a guy Babs recognizes and was told was a good man was stalking her and can now solve her problem for her!

Batgirl and Strix follow the man who never gives his name (nor his benefactor's!) to the Gotham International Airport because they need to catch a flight to South America. That makes the flight international as opposed to intranational! Unless you like the term Domestic better although I don't because it confuses my house staff. Batgirl gets to take a private jet helicopter thing provided by The Benefactor anyway because how would Batgirl board an airplane without revealing her secret identity? Luckily The Mysterious Convenient Man is willing to house her Battercycle in the hangar while she's gone with a guarantee that nobody will touch it. Right. An unregistered super cycle tricked out with lots of Batgear? The janitors are going to put some silly miles on that shit.

The Convenient Man: "Are you Batgirl? I'm pretty sure you're Batgirl. You must be Batgirl!"
Batgirl: "Who the fu...oh, I recognize you from when I was a little girl and my father used to take me into work with him! I mean, you seem nice!"
The Convenient Man: "I am! I'm your friend! And I know this guy named The Mysterious Benefactor that can get you a private airplane to follow Basilisk and save your friends!"
Batgirl: "I would do anything to save my friends! Except lick your asshole. You don't want me to lick your asshole, do you? I mean, if that were absolutely the only way to save my friends...is it?"
The Convenient Man: "No! I will take you to Gotham International Airport where you will sit in silence and not ask me any questions because the ride won't be shown on any panels which means it doesn't exist in time. That way when we get to the airport, you will want to know more about this weird set-up and I'll be able to say, 'There's no time! Get on the plane now if you want to save your friends!' And you'll get on the plane thinking, "I don't like this. Maybe I should have left the Battercycle and rode with The Convenient Man so I could have asked more questions on the way to the airport!"
Batgirl: "I don't like this. Maybe I should have left the Battercycle and rode with The Convenient Man so I could have asked more questions on the way to the airport!"
The Convenient Man: "Good girl. I'll see you when you're done so you can meet your Benefactor! Who is probably Condor, by the way, but you can't know that yet! Unless it's Amanda Waller!"

Meanwhile Strix continues to say nothing and do nothing and act as uninteresting as possible. I think she's here simply to be a metaphor for this comic book.

Back in Regulus's lair, Black Canary has some questions for Regulus. One of them is the exact same question I had before I turned the page (kind of): "What the fuck is up with that shit all over Regulus's face?"

I do like that there's no build up or mystery behind Regulus's identity. Black Canary just looks over her shoulder and goes, "Oh! Hey, Dean! How've you been? Besides, you know, dead?"

Dean Higgins (the bald guy from Team 7) being Regulus causes Suicide Squad's battles with Basilisk and Regulus to make more sense. I don't know if Regulus was always supposed to be Dean Higgins or if that was decided later to fit him and his Basilisk boys into the backstory of Amanda and Dinah and Kurt. Regulus does say that "the remains of Higgins are in here, too" so I guess he's a bit of a Serpentor wannabe. Makes sense since he's Lord of Snakes!

Regulus tells his origin story because why not? It turns out he was merged with Kaizen when Black Canary's scream destroyed Gamorra. So that explains the suddenly bountiful locks of hair. He took over Basilisk and decided to make it personal. He would stop Black Canary and Amanda Waller and every other outfit or organization that employs super heroes. Except for his own. Using them himself is okay. It's the main reason countries go to war. "Sure, you're doing the same thing we're doing but we don't like that being done if we're not around to control it. So stop or we make you stop."

Regulus offers Black Canary a job working for him or else, you know, like I just said, he'll kill her.

In another part of the lair, Condor is not being killed by anybody. Come on, anybody! Get with it! Start ending that jerk's life already! Instead of dying, he's arguing with his ex, Tsiklon. Condor gets a tour of the new headquarters and trades insults with his old evil gang buddies. They don't even like him! Which means maybe I like them! Even if they do seem like a super team straight out of Image's early years.

Eventually Strix and Batgirl arrive to save Black Canary, Condor, and Uplink (the new recruit whose name will have to be changed to something a little more avian).

The joys of working with an undead killing machine. I guess it's no different than working with Katana, Poison Ivy, or Starling.

Batgirl and Strix infiltrate Regulus's hideout and soon locate Condor's annoying voice. They decide to shadow him and his evil buddies to find out how tight he still is with them. Damn. I thought maybe Strix would go into a Talon killing frenzy and end his obnoxious presence in this comic book.

Back in the lab, Black Canary decides to kick Regulus in the face and interrogate him at the same time. Lucky for her, fighting while answering questions is a staple of comic book action scenes. Regulus explains how he's going to use Kurt Lance's power to remove super powers from everyone on Earth! Because how dare they get to use them when he, Dean Higgins, had none!

What a stupid plan. You'll still have to deal with The Goddamned Batman!

Black Canary and Strix are discovered and Condor pretends to be on Basilisk's side when the comic book ends. We all know he's just going to betray them when the fight gets under way in Issue #26. The part that really confuses me is that Whipcrack mentions how he had ninety stitches thanks to the fight with Talon. Wasn't that just a few hours ago? How long is the flight from Gotham to Vague South American Mountaintop? I'd expect his stitches to pop just getting into a threatening pose before the fight actually starts. Oh well. Next month, Zero Year! You can probably skip it.

Birds of Prey #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. Condor is still alive which means I hate this comic book. Without Condor, I would merely not care about this comic book. It's been rather dull and often confusing and I don't know if they're heroes on the run or anti-heroes or murderers just hanging out with Black Canary. The team has no real direction or motivation for continuing as a team. They have no goal. They simply react to shit over and over and over. Why did Black Canary need a team in the first place? What the fuck is going on?!

Batwoman #24

This is Batwoman's comic series, so she should win this fight. But nobody beats Batman at DC! NOBODY!

Way back in Issue #5, I predicted that Batwoman and Batman would appear on the cover of Issue #11 beating the shit out of each other. Looks like I was thirteen issues off!

The issue begins with the Arkham inmates that the DEO set loose to draw in The Batman running wild in the streets of Gotham. This must take place some time ago in DC's chronology since Katana is still with the Birds of Prey and Nightwing is still hanging out in Gotham.

And David Zavimbe is still Batwing! I can tell because he really does look fat in his costume.

Batman shows up to battle Bane not because Batman doesn't want anybody else winding up with a broken back but because he's a fucking glory hog. I can't believe Bane agreed to get his ass kicked by The Batman just to lure him out into the open. The DEO must have offered him a small chunk of Gotham for his trouble. But even Bane's amazing acting abilities can't fool The Batman!

They don't call him the World's Greatest Detective because he knows how to please a woman's pleasure spot. You know what I'm talking about! That spot! There's a spot, right? Near the anus?

Bane taunts The Batman with Robin's murder during the fight which is just another clue to placing this comic book on the DC Timeline. Of course I don't know what any of those clues mean! I gave up trying to figure out what is happening before or after what about a dozen issues ago. If you want to know when events take place in relation to other events, you should see Canonology's site. If you want dick jokes, you're probably in the right place. That reminds me. I should probably make a dick joke soon.

Batman learns that Bones is behind the Arkham inmate riots when he injects Bane with a serum that turns his Venom into a toxin. That means Bane will be spending the next two weeks sitting on a toilet with a bucket in front of him. Which means the Talon story must take place at least two weeks after this story.

"Bane spilled his guts!" Bones made a joke!

Batwoman arrives and the brawl begins. Meanwhile, Hawkfire is busy infiltrating the DEO to rescue Alice so that Batwoman doesn't actually have to beat Batman and get his secret identity to save her sister. That's good! Because even though Batwoman declares she's going to cheat to win, she still isn't going to win! And she's definitely not going to learn Batman's secret identity unless he decides to just come out and tell it to her. And then the issue ends with Batman's hand around Kate's throat and Kate's hand around Batman's throat. Which is the last Batwoman panel to be written by Blackman and Williams.

Batwoman #24 Rating: No change. I suppose this ending to the original creative team is fine since no matter who is writing this comic book, they can't let Batwoman beat Batman! Maybe Batwoman will wind up marrying Batman and living happily ever after! I bet that's what will happen when the new creative team joins the book. Also, Nightwing will strip at Kate Kane's bachelorette party. Bones will be shamed into quitting the DEO and a depressed Sawyer will team up with a now unemployed Chase to start a Super Hero Dating Service. I'm almost positive that at least 75% of my guesses will come true.

But seriously. This was a really fucking good comic book and it sucks that editorial and the suits at DC had to muck it up with their opinions and egos and non-writer's ideas. Jerkos.

Wonder Woman #24

Yay! Goddess of War in the house!

This issue begins with The First Born shackled before the Throne of Olympus. Apollo decides it's an appropriate time for a pun while a bunch of his brothers and sisters sit around enjoying the spectacle. Or maybe they're there to judge The First Born. Or maybe they're pouting because there weren't invited to Hades for War's funeral. Or maybe I should just keep reading so I can find out what the fuck is going on.

Aphrodite is here but she's too beautiful and naked to be seen by our eyes.

I still don't know what's going on! Who is missing? War? Hades? Strife? Hermes? Cupid? The other ones that I would have been able to rattle off on command when I was eleven! A lot of Gods are missing!

Wonder Woman has purchased an apartment in London for her ragtag family which includes herself, Hera, Zola, Zeke, and Orion.

Oh, and Lennox! Maybe his body will eventually grow back. Rock grows, right?!

Turns out War was the one missing at the Olympic Tribunal. So Hermes brings Wonder Woman to Olympus to discuss the fate of The First Born. Please. Why would they need her? Everybody knows she'll cave and call for mercy! Wonder Woman seems a bit shocked to discover that she's the new God of War. I guess she wasn't paying attention in Succession of Godhead 101. She probably only passed by sleeping with her professor. No, no. That would have been how it went down with the Wonder Woman of 1950s DC Comics! This is the modern era! So she probably kicked his ass for her A.

Meanwhile on Earth, ARGUS (or some very similar black ops type organization. Maybe the Black Razors or the Blackhawks?) is busy capturing Wonder Woman's brother, Wesley Willis. They kill his flies so he can't seen anything around him and move in to apprehend him. Turns out the black ops people are employees of Cassandra, Wesley Willis's sister. I think Cassandra can't use her power to predict the future any more because her throat was crushed many years ago by Lennox. But that's okay because nobody ever believed anything she said anyway.

Let me interrupt my running commentary to say Goran Sudzuka does a damn fine job replacing Cliff Chiang. A bit sloppy here and there but generally does a really good job of mimicking Chiang's look for this book. I appreciate it when an artist tries to keep the long-standing look of a book the same. Tony Atkins also did a good job trying to keep the look consistent. The effort isn't lost on me at all. Great job. Now back to being stupid.

I bet Superman knows this look well! It's Diana's "Did you just fart?" face.

Apollo seems to think his first prophecy has been fulfilled, the one about a child of Zeus slaying another child of Zeus. But I'm fairly certain it was in direct relation to the Throne, so Apollo might be getting ahead of himself on that one. You can't defy prophecy by pretending it's already happened! Prophecy isn't that stupid, stupid. Wonder Woman heads back home wanting no part of playing War. And then Strife appears to tell the others that she will be the new God of War after she kills Wonder Woman. But Apollo has a feeling things might just go more smoothly without a God of War altogether. I have a feeling he's wrong about that.

Wonder Woman #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. I simply adore this series. That is all.