The Green Team #4

Big deal. It'll grow right back. And if it doesn't, she's rich enough to buy a new one.

Speaking of Ernest Hemingway, I've got a degree in literature and I've never read a single one of his books. I'm only interested in reading one of his books because I've never read one of his books. I was assigned A Farewell to Arms in one of my college classes but since the final essay was only going to require discussion of two out of three books, I skipped reading it because I'm an efficient motherfucker. I also missed reading a lot of standard books assigned in Junior High or High School because I was always in the Advanced Classes or the Classes Where All We Did Was Study Various Versions of Romeo and Juliet. I will hate you until the day I die, Mr. Souza! So while I was reading Samson Agonistes, everybody else was enjoying Where the Red Fern Grows and Animal Farm.

Okay, that's enough banter. I have a lot of comic books to get through before I can read Forever Evil! So hold on tight, bitches! I'm turning these commentaries up to whatever the metric of eleven is! Probably ten!

Don't worry if that didn't make any fucking sense. We don't have time to stop every few sentences and think, "Hunh? What the fuck?" Just go with it! Sheesh!

Last issue, J.P. and Commodore 64 unmasked Riot and were super shocked to discover he was...well, I don't know who the fuck he was because the comic book decided to go all anti-dramatic irony on me. What did I decide that was? Undramatic Irony? You know, where the characters learn something on-panel but the reader isn't privy to the revelation? I suppose I could call it bullshit as well but there are children reading this.

A lot of shit has happened between issues. On page two, they're already confronting Big Daddy Riot.

I'm going to be in Las Vegas in October and I'm going to try running around the casinos in this kind of get-up! Minus the gun! Although I have a feeling with or without the gun, I'd be in for a shitty evening.

Before a nice, leisurely conversation can begin, Cecilia flips the fuck out and begins throwing Blackjack tables. I can't say I'm surprised that talking didn't happen before violence. But I am surprised that Cecilia gets her arm ripped out right at the top of page four. Just like the cover! And over so quickly! That's impressive since most covers usually spoil the big surprise moment that comes at the end of the issue.

Pick your caption: "Like the way you were born was any better?" or "Mo's obviously not the brains of this team."

Mob Rule Riot simply wants Commodore 64's suit since he believes it should have been sold to him. Although I don't know why he'd want a stupid mecha-suit when he has his multiplying powers. Unless the suit can multiply as well! That might be the case since Riot's clones don't all pop out of him naked.

Commodore 64 is captured and dragged away while Riot's clones continue to battle Mo and J.P. and Cecilia and Abisha. That gives time for Big Daddy Riot to reveal his secret identity!

Surprise! He actually is Big Daddy!

The revelation that Riot is Commodore 64's daddy isn't as exciting as it would be if I knew more about these characters. But it is exciting since I believe that Daddy Issues make the world go around!

Even though it was established last issue that the suits would only work for the person who first uses them, J.P. is able to use Cecilia's disc (which was originally his!) to become the Gold Green Team Power Ranger. It might be because his DNA was inside of Cecilia when she used the disc and the disc is kind of confused. Or it could just be that editorial thought it would be weird to have the big macho guy in the Pink Power Ranger Suit. Let me state, for the record, that I disagree. Anyway, J.P. fries all the clones left to battle the Green Team.

Meanwhile Commodore 64 is taken to his father's Secret Lair in Nice, France, where he can reveal his nefarious plot like a good maniacal villain!

Oh man! I don't have an heir! That means I need to discover the secret of immortality too! And how am I going to help the world grow without providing an offspring with severe Daddy Issues!

Do I need to say "needless to say" before I say J.P. and Cecilia and Mo and J.P.'s sister whateverthefuckhernamewas show up just in time to save Commodore 64's life? They were led there by pieces of Cecilia's mangled arm! But they're just the distraction to help Commodore 64 end his Daddy Issue's once and for all.

Is this the Scientific Version of "from dust to dust"? "From sperm to sperm!"

My favorite part about this moment is how the father in the podcast "Kids on Comics" is going to have to discuss this with his ten year old. I listened to their podcast on Green Team #1 and the son seemed super excited to continue reading this comic book. Now he's going to wonder why a son killed his father. Hey, Kids on Comics Dad? Might I suggest an Ancient Greek Play you might want to talk to him about? Although he may be weird around your wife after that.

Oh Mo. You're still young! You'll learn!

My main Daddy Issue? I didn't give a fuck what that drunken sot thought. So I have no ambition and am a complete failure!

Green Team #4 Rating: No change. Cecilia's arm will be okay when somebody sticks another dick in her. Disc! I meant disc! Sheesh. I can't wait until they figure out why J.P's disc worked on both Cecilia and J.P.! My bet is on the sperms!

Catwoman #23

I'm so happy Gotham has an underground. Because the surface wasn't scary enough.

It's time to find out what's been happening in Gotham's Sword and Sorcery World! Legendary Barbarian Catwoman was on a quest with her Scout Sidekick Tinderbox to find husbands for everybody! Catwoman has gotten to a point in her life where she desperately needs to find a man because stealing jewels just isn't doing it for her anymore. Also, she's being written by Ann Nocenti. So Selina is searching for her possible husband, King Rat-Tails, in a fantasy wasteland inhabited by the Warhogs! They're like the Morlocks only less albinoey. Tinderbox is her new friend who wants a husband herself. And she wants one at any cost! She said it herself: he can beat her all he wants as long as she gets that fucking ring on her fiery finger!

Where the fuck is Ugly Cat?! If Nocenti forgot about Ugly Cat already, I'm going to write her a letter that contains the word "cunt" forty-two times.

Oh, don't get your female genitalia in a twist! I'm a feminist! I've sent the exact same letter to Scott Lobdell!

Before I really get started reading, I should also point out that this issue was co-plotted by Scott McDaniel. So it might make more sense! Although Nocenti still has script credit so I'm not jizzing in my pants or anything.

In fact, after reading the second page, I'm actively punching myself in the balls.

Every beat of this dialogue is crap. Crap I say!

First off, surprise! The princess is a total princess! Um, you know what I mean. She's exactly how you'd expect somebody to write a princess when they're told to write a princess in Creative Writing 101 at the Adult Education Classes that take over the Junior High during summer. I'm beginning to miss the rebellious young girl that just wanted a husband to beat her!

Next Catwoman begins to wonder what a cat knows that she doesn't know. Duh! Only, like, everything! You're Catwoman! You know cats! If you're following Ugly Cat because of what Ugly Cat is staring at, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Because I'm absolutely sure that Catwoman can't cross from one dimension to another. Cats are constantly staring into other dimensions which is why they stare up at ceilings or through walls or at the arm of the chair for minutes on end.

After that, of course, is Catwoman not liking Ugly Cat because she doesn't trust it and it follows her everywhere. I love cats but does that mean I trust them? Hell no! I look like a great big unripe Twinkie to them! Right now, my cat Judas is sitting on my lap simply because he wants Dibs on my juicy eyeballs when I die and wants to beat Pelafina to the tasty treats. Sure, he acts sweet. But I fucking know better.

And lastly, Tinkerbox making the giant leap in logic that Catwoman doesn't trust much because she says she doesn't trust one Ugly Cat. Maybe this is only ridiculous to me? Is this how regular people speak? Someone says, "I don't drink milk." And then the next person says, "You really hate cows, don't you?" I suppose I'm being overly hyperbolic again. I should just be happy that Ugly Cat is still in this comic book.

Goats in gas masks! That's got to be good for some rankings, right?

As Catwoman and Tinderbell approach the Realm of the Warhogs, Tinkerbottom flips the fuck out and begins attacking Catwoman because she doesn't want Catwoman stealing her future fungus husband. Now I see why why Tenderbosom assumed that Catwoman doesn't trust much: she was projecting!

Now Catwoman is criticizing somebody for using her #1 Patented Attack, The Face Claw?

I'm beginning to suspect that Ann Nocenti is reading her character's name wrong. Has anybody sat her down to explain she is writing "Cat" "Woman"? Perhaps Ann Nocenti thinks she's writing "Catwo" "Man" and she's too embarrassed to ask someone what a "Catwo" is! Or maybe she simply doesn't know what a cat or a woman is? I'm having difficulty comprehending how Nocenti can write a character so horribly. Even if I were the shittiest writer in the world (I'm not! I can think of two at least that work for DC that are worse than me!), I think I could string together a couple of scenes that would make a character named Catwoman believable. First I'd open with her naked on the bed licking her asshole. And then I'd have her roommate eating breakfast while Catwoman comes up to her and says, "WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT? IS THAT FOR ME? WHAT'S THAT? IT SURE SMELLS GOOD! WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT? IS THAT FOR ME? WHAT IS THAT?!" And after I nailed those woman characteristics, I'd make her act like a cat for awhile!

What the fuck is going on?! Are we, as comic book readers, absolutely, 100% positive that Ann Nocenti is a female writer?

Catwoman: (Holy fuck! A woman with flaming hands is attacking me and trying to gouge out my eyes while her goats shit all over my beautiful Dog Skin boots! What the fuck do I do?)
Catwoman: (Hmm. She has a super fine ass! Perhaps a spanking will subdue her! And maybe some candles and incense! I wonder if I brought my satin sheets?)

Before Catwoman and Tenderbutts can break out the massage oils, The Warhogs attack! They must not have any females in the Warhog clan because they rape the goats first. Catwoman and Tinderbox almost make a clean getaway except Ugly Cat decides to stand and fight. Catwoman goes back to save him and then blames him on ruining their smooth getaway. Poor Ugly Cat. He was just sacrificing his life so they could get away and Catwoman decides to fuck up his moment and then criticize him for his actions. What a bitch.

Why would she "get back there" if she knows they're going to do more than spank her? I guess Catwoman was listening when she heard Tenderbox wanted a husband that would abuse her.

I'm purposefully misconstruing the dialogue in this comic book to make it seem more misogynistic than it is. But here's the thing: not by fucking much! At least the art is nice to look at. It's nice and comic booky! My favorite!

Although I like the art, the panel layout and the plotting could use a lot of work. One panel, Catwoman and Tinderbox head into a deadend while the Warhogs are getting out a rope. The next panel, Tinderbox is tied up and Catwoman is still kicking Warhogs in the face while screaming, "They got us now, Tinderbox! Just relax. Let's see how things play out inside the bunker." Those are words of two prisoners trussed up and being dragged back to the enemy's base. The next panel, Catwoman is still fighting while saying, "Let me do the talking." Again, it's as if they should be speaking under their breath as they're carted off as prisoners. By the third panel, Catwoman is being overwhelmed and now she says, "Damn. We surrender, you grunts. What do I have to do, wave a white flag?" No but you should probably stop kicking them in the face.

Once inside, the barely intelligible Warhogs send Catwoman and Thunderbooks through a gas shower to clean them of Under Realm contaminants.

Can they not see that she's wearing a gas mask, goggles, and a skin tight leather suit? How do they think the gas is going to penetrate even her pores?

Even Catwoman seems unable to comprehend the amount of protection from gas she's wearing as she proudly stands amongst the Warhogs at the end hoping to have earned some of their respect for making it through the gas. They don't give it to her. So she calls them a "stupid boys' club." Please, Selina. You've lost any right to start attacking people for perceived gender biases.

The leader, a man with a Biohazard symbol tattooed over his right eye, actually begins to act civil to his guests when he realizes they've brought thirty furry cock muzzles for him. That would be what I imagine The Warhogs call goats. Furry Cock Muzzles.

The leader, whose son is named Rake but he hasn't given his own name yet, gives Catwoman and Twinnerblocks a tour of The Bunker. It's a place built to survive any kind of apocalypse a person could think of. Except maybe a severe case of mutated Goat Syphilis that goes airborne through semen-tainted goat farts. So with all of this end of the world shit going down, I suppose that whackjob security guard from last issue suddenly makes sense. Kind of. At least enough sense to warm up the readers as to where this story was headed.

I love Catwoman's reaction to friendly bacteria. "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" Your biological ignorance is showing, Selina. That's what I call her boobs. Selina's Biological Ignorance.

Catwoman shouldn't worry too much about her own Biological Ignorance though because the leader of the Warhogs has enough of his own. His expertise is symbiotic viral mutations but now he's working on symbiotic bacteria. I think he's trying to make a virus that infects people with his symbiotic bacteria that proffers supreme resistance to contagions to the host organism. I hope I'm wrong though because having a virus pass along bacteria is like strapping a jet fighter to a paper airplane. Maybe. Who am I? Doctor Science Man?

Selina decides that she needs to stop this crazy person before he lets his virus loose on Gotham and I agree with her. He's more likely to set loose that Airborne Goat Syphilis I was talking about than his Super Friendly Bacteria.

Meanwhile The Joker's Daughter is wandering around with Ugly Cat pouting that she wasn't invited to the wedding between Rape and Tenderbox. I suppose that's why Catwoman mistrusts the Ugly Cat so much. Because it's a Joker Cat. Although it has yet to be drawn ugly. I don't think Rafa Sandoval reads the dialogue and I don't think Ann Nocenti looks at the panels she adds the dialogue to. It's a non-symbiotic relationship! There's probably a sciency word for that! There's probably also a sciency word for sciency!

Also, I think one of The Warhogs has been infected with THE ESCALATOR! But I could be wrong about that because I don't really remember what happened to THE ESCALATOR! I think its host almost died so it wandered off to find a new one? I try not to allow too much horrible shit I've read to remain clogging space in the memory banks.

Hee hee. The entrance to The Nethers is a giant sphincter!

I believe the Joker's Daughter is just some loony ass loony that discovered The Joker's face floating around in The Nethers and decided to wear it and claim herself as his kin. I also believe that Ann Nocenti thinks she's making the new hit character, Harley Quinn II! I also also believe that a better writer will eventually have The Joker simply kill The Joker's Daughter to get his fucking face back.

Back in the Warhog's Bunker, Rake and Tinderbox don't get along very well because he's a self-righteous twat and she had fire coming out of her head. The leader decides to call off the wedding but would still like to keep the peace somehow. But that's when the Suvival Get-up Man recognizes Catwoman and starts trouble!

"She's got the Goat Syphilis! Stop her!"

As if all Catwoman has to do is steal this one test tube full of toxin. I'm sure he has loads of the stuff in various forms and differing trials. Surely he wouldn't keep his entire stash in one test tube where one random contamination could destroy his life's work. Right? Why is this such a trope? If somebody develops some kind of biological weapon, it will usually be confined to one container that can easily be made off with.

By holding the toxin hostage, Catwoman and Tinderbox are allowed out of the Bunker. But it apparently means war between the tribes. Oh, big fucking deal. Just get the hell out of there Catwoman and let them war like they've been doing forever without even Batman noticing. I wonder if the Court of Owls gets sick of them stomping all over their underground labyrinths? I guess Catwoman hasn't saved King Rat-tail yet but fuck him. The Joker's Daughter probably already ate him. And speaking of The Joker's Daughter!

I still don't see it. How is that cat ugly?

Catwoman #23 Rating: No change. I get the feeling that this cover was meant for last issue. The cover this month should have been a herd of gas masked goats with Catwoman shepherding them along. I mean goatherding them! Sorry about that slip. I don't want people to think I'm Speciesist.

Batman Loves Superman #3

Clark: "I hate Darkseid so much it makes me shit!"

Last issue ended with Earth Two Wonder Woman stabbing Lois Lane in the face with her magic spear which she probably also stole from Bellerophon. I suspect this because she also has his Pegasus. Lois was stabbed because Kaiyo the Trickster from Apokolips was possessing her body. Also, because Lois Lane was looking way cuter than Wonder Woman.

The issue begins being narrated by Kaiyo the Trickster who has found herself tied up in Wonder Woman's magic lasso. I'm not sure if its Truthiness completely works on a New God but it must have some slight effect in that Kaiyo feels the need to project an image of Darkseid for everybody to see and fear. And then it's time to fuck with everybody and sow some seeds of discord.

Oh! Kaiyo is named Kaiyo after Coyote the Trickster God! I betcha!

After many, many years of being best friends, it only takes one random comment from a strange New God for the Superman of Earth Two to believe that Batman is a paranoid bastard that has the means to kill Superman if it comes to that. Not that Kaiyo was wrong! I just find Superman's lack of faith disturbing. That's your best buddy! Although I am just going by his first reaction of "Dammit, Bruce" and "still surprising me" and those are obviously not really that damning. Just one friend being annoyed by another. Yet again!

The knowledge that Bruce was keeping a deadly secret from him sends Clark into a reverie about his younger days when he first met Alfred Pennyworth. Oh, and Bruce!

Forget the kids. "Hey Alfred! You aren't going to fix a flat tire by looking under the hood!"

Here's the part I hate most about writing stupid jokes on the internet. I now feel I have to explain that caption to that photo and point out that it was a joke! I get that Alfred is probably killing time and looking busy so that Master Bruce will spend more time with another kid his age. Okay? So you can all stop trying to be smarter than me and just read my stupid fucking jokes already! Fuckers bitching about hospice and in hospice and what means what. Fucking Jesus! Fine! I fixed what I said to exactly quote Superman so it makes more sense for people that don't read the tiny print!

Okay, now that I'm done speaking directly to exactly one Follower (and being a major dick about it! Man, I'm an asshole. And a dick! Ooh! Is that what makes me so sexy?), let's get back to Batman of Earth Two Loves Superman of Earth Two #1 (which is the alternate title to Batman Loves Superman #3).

What does Bruce do, Clark? He kicks motherfucking ass, that's what!

I like how this scene is a call back to the first meeting of Bruce and Clark, and their attitudes to violence, in Batman Loves Superman #1.

If I'm not careful, I'm going to scan every page of this remembrance. I'm such a sucker for flashbacks to heroes as children.

I also like how Bruce rolls up his sleeve to begin the fight and Pa Kent makes a point of stopping his boy. And then fucking Alfred with the "Bruce has to learn to handle himself" when Bruce actually begins the brawl! I know it's not two kids fighting in anger. Bruce just wants his turn to show off his little kid skills. And Alfred's pretty fucking proud of those skills too. "Hey, Farmer Joe! Watch my kid beat the snot out of your little turd!"

Back to the present and back at the farm, Superman finds the crystal that Superman knocked out of Batman's hands. It's not Kryptonite but some other form of crystal not found on Earth. But Superman locates the source: a government bunker studying and protecting this strange material.

Who stops the Bat? This is DC Comics, kid. Nobody fucking stops the Bat.

These comic books should stop doing flashbacks during the story because now I'm not interested in the present! I just want to get back to the kids playing in the field and Alfred trying to figure out if this farmer is gay or not and whether they'll be making a lot more trips back to Smallville.

Just to clarify, I don't think Earth Prime Alfred is gay. But I do hope Earth Two Alfred is gay. And I'm almost positive Earth Three Alfred is gay because DC made him a bad guy.

Just what Young Master Bruce always wanted: some wide-eyed yokel to admire him! I mean, a friend!

Alfred and Bruce wind up staying for dinner and late into the evening.

But Alfred! You just met him! And you sat by his wife over dinner!

Is "Bruce" Alfred's name for his penis? ... Oh! Fuck. Master Bruce! Yeah, I already pointed this out earlier. Man, that was confusing!

Of course, The Littlest Detective figures out that Clark is crazy strong and they become best friends forever. But that's enough of the cute stuff. It's time to get back to the present where adult friends punch each other in the throat for fun.

Batman and Batman attack Superman and Superman but not because they want to hurt them! They just do it because it's hard to yell "Stop! Wait! The military have weapons that can kill you!" when the person you're yelling at can travel faster than the speed of sound. So they have a bit of a tussle to keep the Supermen from walking into a death trap created by the United States Government. And because of all this chaos, Earth Prime Superman and Earth Prime Batman now each know the secret identity of the other.

Team Earth Two decides they need to destroy the military weapon but Team Earth Prime aren't so sure they want to work together. That's when Kaiyo returns to inform them all that the weapon they want to destroy is the only weapon that can save the world and defeat the monster, Darkseid, that Kaiyo showed them earlier.

Batman Loves Superman #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It looks like Kaiyo has fled Apokolips and Darkseid eventually comes to Earth Two in search of Kaiyo. And Kaiyo is fucking with these Batmen and Supermen in an attempt to get them to use the Mega-Weapon to kill Darkseid when he comes so that Kaiyo can remain free. But we all pretty much know how that turns out, don't we?

Larfleeze #3

Can Giffen and DeMatteis refrain from quoting a song released in 1961? I highly doubt it.

Before I begin writing Larfleeze, I want to post my Missed Connection Ad:

You: Drunk frat guy in blue shirt trying to fist bump me and mumbling incoherently.
Me: Unkempt adult male that only high fives people under the age of four who waved you off and made a face which most semi-intelligent people would recognize as "Get the fuck away from me, you clownish twat."
You: The same guy standing in front of the pizzeria who pointed at me as I came back from the store and mumbled something about our previous encounter and then acted indignant when I wouldn't even say hello.
Me: Annoyed male that can't believe you feel butthurt that I'm not participating in your life and who now truly suspects that you're probably one of those guys who can't understand why women are such assholes to you, at least, and possibly a rapist, at worst. I hope we continue to miss each other for the rest of our lives. But I thought you could use some advice anyway: not everybody should be expected to participate in your life story. You will be left hanging at times. People will not enjoy talking to you. People may often not feel obligated to engage in your desperate need for conversation. Learn to move on without feeling it's a personal slight against your family honor. And, seriously? Stop trying to fist bump strangers, you asshole.

Okay. Now I can read Larfleeze!

Infighting? More like inbreeding! Also, I appreciate the usage of the "savage breast" quote. Because I'm one of those assholes that always needs to point out when somebody incorrectly quotes the line as "to soothe the savage beast." God, I hate people like me.

Speaking of hating people like me, here's a quick test to find out if your child is going to be an "actually" troll on the internet so you can nip that shit in the bud! Stay up past midnight some Friday night playing a board game. Wait until it's about twenty or thirty minutes past midnight and then ask them the time. Your kid probably has a cell phone, right? When they answer, respond with, "That late? Man, I love Fridays." If you're child pulls the "actually, it's Saturday!" routine, slap them in the mouth and send them to bed. Stop being such a spoiled literal douchebag! An easier test is to ask one to make you a sandwich and if they say, "Poof! You're a sandwich!", send them to their room forever.

The Wanderer tells how she and her brothers came to the Earth Prime Universe of The New 52. There's some torture and more interruptions by Butler Stargrave. But eventually, Wanderer gets to the reason why she's helped keep Stargrave alive: she purchased him many years ago before Larfleeze kidnapped him and now would like to know if he'd like to butler her.

Well, that will keep anybody from thinking that "butler" is just an immature euphemism.

The Wanderer also gives Stargrave the option of switching his male genitalia for female genitalia. Now while I believe that's a superior option to being castrated, I'm not sure how it better solves the problem of his male urges. He's still going to be attracted to females and enjoy giving The Wanderer baths. If I were Stargrave, I might even take her up on the option since she has some thing called an Omnachine which is capable of doing pretty much anything she needs. It's the Swiss Army Knife of her dimension. I wouldn't mind taking out my own female genitals for a few trial runs! Except I'd probably kill myself by accidentally knocking my head on the kitchen counter at the first sight of any blood in my nether regions. I'm simply assuming that the Omnachine Technology does a complete transformation to fully functional male to fully functional female, biologically speaking.

Oh no wait I'm out fuck that!

Her Omnachine really is the technological equivalent of a Swiss Army Knife! Pulsar Stargrave decides he'd rather keep his penis and his job with Larfleeze. I have a feeling Pulsar now understands why Larfleeze screams "MINE MINE MINE!" so emphatically.

Before Larfleeze completely comes around and begins destroying shit, Herb the Board Certified Lackey mentions somebody named "Dyrge" who, I imagine, is another member of the House of Tuath-Dan.

Once Larfleeze is conscious, quite a few pages are spent on The Wanderer and The Laord of the Hunt and Larfleeze battling over ownership of Pulsar Stargrave. There is a lot of "I'll kill you!" and "No, I'll kill you!" and "Nuh-uh!" and "Unh-huh!" It's all very less funny than I was hoping.

Although I still like every reference made to inbreeding. Man, why is incest so funny? I wonder if I was wired wrong and I'm actually supposed to think insects are funny?

Hee hee. Incest and Poop Jokes!

I think I know why this comic isn't working as well as the back-up stories in Threshold. Larfleeze needs more straight men in his life! No, not heterosexuals! Comedy partners. Right now he just has Pulsar whose a one note character like Larfleeze. And he's simply confronting other people as single-minded as he is, so there's a lot of bickering with no real substance. The back-up issues had a whole gang of people with the Star Rovers all with various personalities and kinks. Sure, many of them were also one-note characters but there were enough of them to keep the banter fresh. So Larfleeze needs to join a group of some kind. It's a lot like Lobo. When he's off on his own battling shit, it's a lot of Fraggin' Bastich this and Fraggin' Bastich that. But you put a bit of a leash on him and hook him up with LEGION, and you've got more beats to play to the character.

So far in this comic, Giffen and DeMatteis are building a bunch of various characters but they're still just obstacles to Larfleeze, like Herb and Lou the Guard Dog. Larfleeze needs some structure and limits! Hopefully Giffen and DeMatteis have Larfleeze interact with more old school DC Space Characters after this initial story run is over. I wouldn't mind seeing Larfleeze hang out with Space Cabbie for a bit.

After The Wanderer returns to kill Lou the Guard Dog, Larfleeze decides to summon forth the Orange Lantern Corps to battle The Wanderer while he gathers up the loot. But The Wanderer has this power she calls the Starsoul and it has the ability to transform energy into matter and whatnot. So she returns the Orange Constructs to their living forms and takes off with Stargrave.

This is an unexpected turn that I greatly appreciate! And may have saved this comic book from losing ranks! I sure hope they agree to continue to work for Larfleeze like this instead of just being another bunch of antagonists!

At least for next issue, they're all going to have to fight. But I'm sure Larfleeze will have some ability to keep them in line since they're all still wearing Orange Rings and he's kind of like the Master Battery and One Ring and all that shit. Fuck, I hope they remain a Corps like this and actually work as the team I was hoping for! The mummy is my favorite!

Larfleeze #3 Rating: No change. But that's just barely a no change! The beginning of this issue was a lot more of the same old same old for this thing: character tells a story while the Butler constantly interrupts. But then the Orange Corps got their lives back and I'm suddenly excited for the future of this comic book again! I'm only sorry it didn't happen sooner. Like five or six issues ago.

Justice League #23

How did Aquaman beat The Flash to Pandora's Box? Fucking bullshit!

Last issue, The Purple People Leader lured Constantine and Batman and a bunch of other people into a room with Madame Xanadu and Pandora's Box. And then he revealed the truly horrible secret that he's been keeping from everybody: the Box is actually a portal! Holy Fuck! No way! That's...well, that's a minor turn of events, I guess. I suppose the doorway opens into his devastated Earth in his devastated dimension. And that dimension is...Villains Month! Or something. I don't know. You should really read the comic book because all you're going to get from me are penis and vagina jokes.

Like my reaction to the end of last issue: "I can't believe John Constantine cocked up Pandora's Box!"

This issue begins with the Purple People Leader telling everybody his origin. He just couldn't fucking resist, you know? He's been ready to burst for months and he finally has Batman and a bunch of other heroes all in a position where they're curious enough to listen to him blabber. And, of course, he begins at the beginning when he crossed worlds with The Joker's Daughter during Darkseid's attack. I'm just making a guess because if The Purple People Leader is Evil Alfred Pennyworth and his Master that he's trying to save is Evil Batman, then the woman that came with him is probably Evil Batgirl. And since Joker's Daughter has not been talked about anywhere except that stupid Channel 52 in the back of every comic, I'm guessing she's part of the Trinity War reveal. Although they've also put her in Gotham's Underground, so it might just be another one of Ann Nocenti's brilliant ideas.

Madness! I suppose Good is Evil and Evil is Good! And Up is Down and Down is Up! And Black is White and White is Black! And Inside is Outside and Outside is Inside! And Cocks are Pussies and Pussies are Cocks! But North is still North and South is still South, so that's kind of weird.

It turns out The Purple People Leader may just be dictating his story to himself which seems a bit of a waste. How are the heroes going to know what a huge genius he was? If he doesn't tell them, nobody else will! What a fool.

Every hero that has made an appearance in this book up until now gathers at the location that Pandora first found her Box. She knows this because fuck you.

Who's laughing at Spiderman's Spidey Sense now?! "Something's not right! My 'Vibe' Headache is pounding!"

And then suddenly everyone is corrupted! Except they're a bunch of stupid idiots who allow the corruption to turn to violence. Why doesn't the place turn into a sexual frenzy? Sure, it can end in some kind of Bacchanal frenzy where people begin ripping each others throats out with their teeth. But at least we'd get to see some ass, dong, and titties while it happened. Bah. It's just too much to ask for this bunch of prudes. Although I still think Batman and Catwoman might get in a bit of hardcore anal in the middle of it all. John Constantine is the only one not completely losing his mind because he lost his fucking soul years ago. He's immune to Charm Spells.

It's just another scrimmage for Pandora's Box for a few pages. Although by the time they get to the second double splash page, I notice Mera has made the party. Welcome to the Fun House, darling! While she and Wonder Woman punch each other in the tits, The Flash and Catwoman get up to some interesting games.

Foreplay or is The Flash just sandbagging this fight? Seriously. The Flash versus Catwoman? Barry, you're not even fucking trying.

And then it turns out Mera isn't actually here either. It's Martian Manhunter in disguise. Why as Mera? Well fuck, only one thing I can think of. He was trying to get some Aquadick.

Superman turns out to be a Super Jealous Bastard who thinks that Wonder Woman is cuckolding him with every single hero on Earth. While I have no evidence that this isn't true, I'm fairly certain Wonder Woman has been a bit too busy fighting Gods to be banging Batman and Steve Trevor on the side. And possibly Deadman. And both teenagers inside of Firestorm. And Martian Manhunter's "The Orifice Filler" form. And Cyborg with his...no, not Cyborg. I don't think his penis survived and there's no way his father created a cyber cock for him. Although it could be like his face! Half flesh and half titanium.

For some reason, Pandora's Box goes silent and everybody has time to gather around Superman to find out why he's so sick. And that's when the Secret Society's mole decides to spill the beans instead of letting them wonder what the fuck was going on and silently slinking out the back door.

I bet she works for Aquaman! I fucking knew Aquaman was the mole! God, I hate him!

It's a good thing it was established early on during Despero's attack that telepathy is hard to do on tiny people. For, you know, reasons that are too super scientific and complicated for the general comic book reader to fathom. So that explains why Martian Manhunter never knew that The Atom was working for Aquaman. And Aquaman has his own telepathy, so he's pretty good at blocking other telepaths!

Except surprisingly, it isn't Aquaman she's working with! Clever, Geoff Johns. You make all the evidence point to Aquaman and then flip the script and make the other mole Cyborg! Who would have thought the two minorities on the team were the bad guys? I suppose the only thing that saved Simon Baz from being a traitor is people would have been upset at the terrorist caricature! I was so convinced that it was Aquaman because he's so fucking boring! And his powers are inane in almost every situation! Sure, sure. A bullet or two will just bounce right of his face. Big deal! He's still just a fish-talker! Yes, I said it! Fish-talker! The worst Atlantean racial slur somebody can invoke! He's just a fucking Swimmer! A no good Water Breather! A lousy Dolphin Fucker! He's just a...um, oh, uh, Cyborg! Remember Cyborg? He's an inadvertent mole!

Oh God! I can't watch! Somebody tell me what happens to his penis!

Cyborg's robot half decides to shed the flesh and then names itself Grid. That just shows it's still being somewhat influenced by Victor Stone's football hero identity! Why else would it choose an ambiguous name like Grid?! Grid helps The Purple People Leader recover Pandora's Box which, he explains, is just another kind of Mother Box. And then he reveals that his homeworld was the birthplace of evil (which, of course, is good) and that he's actually a butler (which, of course, means he's a wealthy land owner). And all of these revelations are marred by just one typo! Nicely done, editors!

And then a figure walks through the portal:

I knew that Coral Fondler was behind it all! Although this one is so much cooler. This is one is all Peter David cool.

Too bad Evil Aquaman falls over dead in the next panel. But what do you expect? He was only Aquaman! Even if he was pure evil! He was still just Aquaman!

Who here has a feeling Ultraman and Owlman are next to step through that fucking portal? Everyone? Yeah? Okay then! Let's finish this!

And there they are in a big double page spread that I can't scan completely so I'll scan the next best thing!

Not Pictured: Stormfire Deathstorm.

Madame Xanadu is the worst. She didn't see these guys walking over in her vision? Just all sorts of chaos and destruction? Get a real job, jerk.

Turns out The Atom was the female that came over with Alfred the Purple People Leader and that she's fucking Johnny Quick. Not that she fucks him fast. That's just his last name. Quick. And Owlman is Thomas Wayne, the brother Batman doesn't quite want to believe in. I think his Earth Prime counterpart still exists in some kind of Owlman form over here in Scott Snyder's Batman too. I'm not sure why Power Ring has a butterfly on his chest. Perhaps it has to do with metamorphosis. Or maybe he commands the power of light silk. Superwoman has brought with her a prisoner in a hood. I suppose that must be Lex Luthor, the nicest, most philanthropic guy on Earth Three. Which makes him wicked evil. Or something. Charity is frowned upon on Earth Three so he's probably really charitable. He also probably doesn't molest small children. The pervert.

And that's it for the Trinity War as it leads into Forever Evil, just another fucking title I have to read. Although one I'm really looking forward to! Yay bad guys!

Justice League #23 Rating: +5 Ranking. Love the Crime Syndicate's appearance and the death of Aquaman even if it was only the Aquaman from Earth Three. I think Trinity War could have been told across just Justice League and Justice League of America. It really could have been a four issue mini-series and the magic guys didn't really need to play a part. Although I like having them along! Just saying the pacing seemed a bit extended merely to fit in all three titles across both months.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #23

I don't think I'm ever going to like Speedy. At first I just thought it was the way Scott Lobdell was writing him. But I'm beginning to suspect that he's just an asshole. But he's an asshole that the writer keeps telling the reader is actually a great guy with a warm heart and full of emotions. But you'll never see that part of him which is why the writers have to keep stating it. Which makes me believe it isn't actually true, is it? He's just a stupid prick that can kill anyone with anything. I think people really like him from DC's Animated Universe. But since this isn't that, I wouldn't know. He's simply been a grating, awful, self-involved piece of shit that is in love with the idea that he can have a best friend and girlfriend but would probably leave them freezing in the snow for a couple ounces of heroin.

Go on! Convince me that I'm wrong, Speedy Freaks!

Last issue, Roy Harper was proving that he can be a good friend by assaulting the City of Assassins to save his best buddy in all the world, Amnesiac Jason Todd. And since Jason Todd has no memories, he's not actually Roy Harper's friend. Which is why Roy is so pissed off. I mean, concerned. He's concerned about his buddy and not angry that nobody loves him anymore. Jason Todd was busy deciding that the League of Assassins must be his friends because they did so many dickish things to kidnap him. And Starfire was busy learning, from Essence, that The Untitled were going to take over the world by using that idiot Roy Harper as their puppet. Now that we're all caught up on my dislike for Roy Harper, what say we read this shit, eh?

Before all hell breaks loose, I should do some Master Comic Book Reader speculation. Here's my prediction: Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire will become besties again and have a long hug and go back to doing whatever the fuck they've been doing in this comic book. Dating each other? Dissing Batman and Superman? Having loads of sex? Grumbling? Whinging? Having a laugh?

The main question is: will Jason Todd get his memory back? Of course he will! Through the power of love and being annoying! Jason Todd will be ready to kill Roy Harper and Roy will say, "I won't kill you, buddy. So do whatever you must. I love you in a meaningful, manful way that probably doesn't involve erections but, well, you can never count that shit out. We do live on a deserted island. If Starfire ever stopped putting out, you might want to fletch my love shaft, right? That's arrow terminology!"

Last issue ended with Roy Harper at the Gates of Assassinsville (that should be a Facebook game. Get on it, coders. And toss me 1% of profits for the idea. Except it won't be fun or awesome without me writing the mechanics, so good fucking luck making another boring fucking internet game), so of course this issue begins with him in the middle of the city near the Fountain he needs to destroy while being hassled by Manbats.

Holy Manbats! That's a lot of Manbats. And yet Rictus told Lady Shiva last issue that he thought they might be running out of them due to her deadly training methods. Rictus may be some kind of super robot but he sucks at doing calculations.

After drugging the Manbats with his Propeller Monkey Balls filled with Darts dipped in Mad Hatter Freakout Tea, Roy encounters December Graystone, 12th Level Magic-user. Not Wild Mage. Or Sorcerer. Or Elementalist. Magic-user! That really is kind of a dumb name for a character class. Why isn't the Fighting Man the "Sword-user" or the Cleric the "Healing Spell-user"?

Oh, come one! Goths don't dance! They just kind of shuffle a bit while trying not to set each other on fire with their apathetically held cigarettes. Although December does look more like a Spooky Kid and I don't know what they do instead of dance. Make fun of the Goths dancing?

Speedy takes his Domino Mask off for a bit because Julius or Wayne or Walden or Nei or Daniel or Ray or Ian wasn't paying attention. Instead of listing all of the artists names like I just did, I should actually say Rickey Purdin and Eddie Berganza weren't paying attention because, you know, editors? Hopefully his bullet repelling shield also shielded his identity from being discovered since once Cheshire teleports into his shield and removes the generator from his crotch, his mask reappears on his face. Whew! That was a close one!

Next, Speedy shorts out Cheshire's teleport control in her wrist which makes it go haywire. She disappears so that she can return to fuck Speedy later. One thing The New 52 doesn't really know how to deal with is the relationships that existed in the Preboot era. Most of them are all really being forced because nobody wants to wait month after month to build and reestablish the sexual tension that had existed for so long previously. So we get this shit where Beast Boy and Terra instantly begin dating, and Cheshire and Roy can't stop making comments about how much they'd like to forget about the other one's sense of ethics and elope to Bonetown, and Cassie Sandsmark, after having nearly been killed by Superboy, can't help thinking to herself how hot he is for a big rapey jerk. Although now that Red Robin is fucking everybody on the Teen Titans, that Superboy thing might sort itself out. Also, Superboy has become a much better character since Justin Jordan took over. Too bad Jordan hated working with Scott Lobdell as well and now he's going before he even got a chance to make Superboy interesting.

Back on the surface world, Drakar of the Untitled is speaking with some secret person about how that person helped The Untitled get to the brink of taking over the world. Who could it be?! It looks like Jason Todd. Does Jason Todd have a clone? Did I miss some stupid plot point by Scott Lobdell somewhere while I was busy banging my head against the wall? Maybe it's Bruce Wayne searching for the Well of Souls to heal Damian! That would actually be pretty fucking awesome if Bruce Wayne was behind all of this shit. Of course the Batman Incorporated timeline doesn't really work. But since Scott Lobdell fucked up the continuity between this and Batman Incorporated already, who the fuck cares if it doesn't quite work out? Not me!

Meanwhile, Jason Todd stops Roy before he can blow up the fountain. Well, at least long enough for Starfire to show up.

I hate this amnesia shit. There's nothing worse than a character with absolutely no motivation. Jason Todd wanted to forget so he forgets. Then he wants to remember because he forgot why he wanted to forget. Then he finds out the things he wanted to forget were bad things that his friends were keeping from him to help him keep them forgotten like he wanted. So then he decides they're jerks for keeping the fact that he's a killer a secret because he hates that he was a killer which is why he wanted to forget in the first place. And since these old friends were such big liars, Jason decided to hook up with a bunch of killers because he doesn't want to be known for being a killer. I'm totally following this!

Kori arrives in time to blow up Roy's super gun so that he can't blow up the fountain. I think Roy makes a sex joke when Starfire appears when Roy says, "You had to show up and rub it in, didn't you?" Right? Is that sexy?

Starfire meets Rictus the Broken Ghost Calculater and is quickly dropped down into the center of the Earth because he's a ghost robot and can change his density just like a ghost and/or a robot.

And then Roy meets the rest of the League of Assassins. Or a bunch of Breakfast Cereal Mascots.

They're magically delicious!

Getting his ass severely handed to him can't stop Roy Harper though! Pshaw! That's every fucking day of his life! You can't get a man at the bottom down, bitches! He shoots his first arrow of the night (although it's out of a gun. Fucking poseur) and destroys the fountain. He even predicts the exact comic book noise it makes when it collapses! He knows his destructive noises! I mean, he is Arsenal, after all! Although he'll always be Speedy to me.

Jason Todd takes up the leadership role as The Headmaster of the League of Assassins just in time to order the League not to kill Roy and Starfire. Whew! That was a close one! But what kind of fucking Assassin leader is he if his first order is not to kill? A shitty one, right? Plus he's arguing with a bipedal tiger man. This League is a joke!

Why does Bronze Tiger need to look like a tiger to do his job? DC's marketing assholes must think a Tiger Headed Fool will sell more comic books than a black man kicking major ass. I think the marketing department has a list of characters they think will sell the most books to those that will sell the least.

DC Marketing Pro-Tips!
1. White Heterosexual Male.
2. White Heterosexual Female.
3. Tiger Headed Humanoid.
4. Hispanic Heterosexual Female (generally supporting cast, non-super-powered).
5. Black Heterosexual Male.
6. Hispanic Gay Female.
7. White Gay Male.
8. Hispanic Heterosexual Male.
9. White Gay Female.
10. Black Heterosexual Female.
11. I think that's all the combinations that will sell. If we need more, ask Gail Simone.

Before Roy and Starfire are thrown in Assassin prison, they give Jason Todd their "We Still Love You!" speech.

Oh Jason! How could you have gotten everything so wrong?! Idiot.

Jesus. How would I navigate through the maze of everyday life without my knowledge of pop culture tropes? Realize that this is technically Jason Todd's first time every seeing this trope! He's experiencing the defeated friends still love you confusion for the first time ever! As if it doesn't happen all the fucking time! What a lucky bastard! I bet DC wishes they could have erased the actual memory of all of their fans instead of just asking the fans to sort of kind of ignore the past and pretend everything is new again.

And then The Untitled attack and it's up to Jason Todd to bring balance to the force.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. Not that I was overly impressed by this issue but at least it didn't bore me and I enjoyed it as much as any comic book I'd pick up if it were in arm's reach and my cat was on my lap so I couldn't go anywhere. Roy was annoying but I suppose he's meant to be. Starfire was too easily defeated just by making her feel fat. And Jason Todd seemingly can only defeat The Untitled and bring balance to the world by losing his memories and leading a bunch of Assassins in battle. Assassins that somehow believe they're going to turn the world into a Utopia. What? How? By allowing anybody that's pissed at anybody else to murder them? Sure, that may seem great in the short term! "Fucker bumped me and made me spill my coffee? Dead!" I mean, that might feel good while you're still angry about your spilled coffee. But after the anger subsides, you're going to start wondering if maybe you overreacted a bit. I'm not sure the world is ready for this kind of overwhelming guilt.

New Guardians #23

It would be so much easier to just read these comics without commenting on them. Stupid internet.

If I can just get through this issue and Red Hood and the Outlaws, I'll be able to finish The Trinity War tonight before somebody spoils it for me and tells me everybody dies! Oh wait! DC already spoiled it for me with their advertisements for Villains Month! I'm sure there will be more to it than just "everybody on Earth Prime dies." I'm fairly certain it will involve a Villains Earth which is where Pandora's Box Portal leads. Which is why The Purple People Leader is probably an evil Alfred. Because everybody is a jerk on Earth Asshole.

Last issue ended with Kyle unsure whether or not the Lanterns could stop Relic from destroying the universe. Which means he needs some Hope! So it's time to visit The Blue Lanterns on their new, non-Reach destroyed Homeworld.

Are these the only ones that survived The Reach attack? Shit.

If these three are the only ones that are left, I suppose it makes sense. Not just because The Reach are murderous, near-immortal bastards. But because if a Blue Lantern ever doubts that there is any hope, he just drops dead and the ring abandons him. What a great fucking job! If I were to organize a Blue Lantern Corps, they'd all have Williams Syndrome. Just try to make my army lose hope, bitches! I suppose you could go a number of ways raising an army that has an everlasting abundance of hope. But the one thing you should avoid is a high degree of intelligence. You don't want anybody calculating odds or rationalizing reality or bringing up philosophical quandaries about what is hope and how particularly useful is it actually? At least the Blue Lanterns aren't based on faith (although, really, it's practically semantics when you get down to debating "hope" and "faith") or else all of their battles would end up like this: "Let us pray to overcome The Reach, my fellow Lanterns!" Pray! Pray! Pray! Die!

The Blue Lantern Corps currently consists of a Rag Doll's Penis, an Elephant, and a Giraffe. So the Corps is practically identical to Christopher Robin's unloved stuffed animals. A. A. Milne's editors refused to publish the chapters with those characters because it was just too dark. Instead, they decided to go with the bushel of psychiatric loonies that ended up in the book every child knows and loves. The Glutton. The Depressive. The Megalomaniac. The Obsessive Compulsive. The Paranoid. I'm fairly certain that the story behind the story of Winnie the Pooh was a patient at an asylum named Christopher Robin who was completely delusional and believed that all the other inmates were his stuffed animals. Kanga was probably the nurse.

While the Blue Lanterns meditate, their Lantern Pokemon escapes and flies away. Immediately afterward, Relic arrives in his new battle ship. I hope he kills them all!

Is that an appropriate usage of Hope? Can I be a Blue Lantern now?

But you'd be so much better at your job if you were, Saint Walker!

The Blue Lantern Corps, of course, contains a few more than the menagerie shown at the beginning. They also have a Lizard and a Sentient Turd, a Slug and a Nun, and a fairly sexy albino alien. But since Hope alone is nothing, Saint Walker is really just a lot of bluster and empty threats until Kyle and Carol and the Bohemian Guardians arrive.

Relic has an irrational hatred for Light Users because some being called The Lightsmith and his army of Lightswitches destroyed the universe which Relic came from. Perhaps they've destroyed even more than that one universe because it would make more sense that Relic was called Relic in his last universe if he were a Relic from a universe even further in the past. Perhaps at the end of every universe, he creates a cocoon which allows him to survive into the next universe. Is Relic from Pre-Infinite Crisis? I bet he is! I'm going to go draw him into all of my issues of Crisis on Infinite Earths now because it totally makes sense.

The Bohemian Guardians try to stop him but he just shows them an old newsreel of what happened in his old Universe. The current DC Universe began with a gigantic hand masturbating a gigantic phallus which Krona observed. This caused the original Guardians to create an army of robots to stop all masturbation in the universe. In Relic's universe, a gigantic hand stimulated a huge clitoris which brought everything into being. But in his universe, the Lightswitches weren't created to stop all female masturbation.

There job was to create a multitude of sex toys.

How this wound up destroying his universe has yet to be revealed. But he's definitely got a problem with the creatures of this universe having the capability of once again creating universe destroying sexual artifacts. So he's going to stop them all and save everybody from masturbation. Not because he sees it as wrong as The Guardians of this Universe saw it; he seems to see it as a separation of each from the other. He believes orgasms should be brought on by other beings, weaving an intimate interconnectedness across the Universe. It's something he believes the Bohemian Guardians will understand. I don't think he's wrong about that! His plan also confuses Carol though when she goes to attack him with her Passion Power.

Especially black holes. Holy fuck does Relic love a nice, tight black hole.

It's at this point that I think everybody should just sit down with a nice cup of tea and have a lovely chat. Once Carol realizes he's doing what he's doing out of love, I would expect somebody to say, "Really? Love? Maybe we should figure out what he's trying to do to save our universe." But I suppose if your identity were completely wrapped up in one little universally powerful object, you'd probably be a little too miffed to discuss it rationally when some gigantic oaf came along informing you that it was too dangerous to keep around.

And then Relic steals the Blue Light which is apparently a metaphor for killing hope because Rayner is convinced by The Bohemian Guardians that they can't win this fight. He teleports back to Oa with Saint Walker and Carol Ferris and The Bohemian Guardians while the Blue Light drains away and relic kills the rest of the Blue Lantern Corps. Good riddance!

New Guardians #23 Rating: No change. Well that's one central battery down and however many more to go to go! Larfleeze has already ditched his need for a battery, so I suppose the rest of the Lantern Corps will go the same way. Although the entity that powered the battery left to go join the other lantern entities on their Homeward Bound journey to the Lantern Entity Graveyard. It's the saddest kid's movie ever.