Batman Loves Superman #3

Clark: "I hate Darkseid so much it makes me shit!"

Last issue ended with Earth Two Wonder Woman stabbing Lois Lane in the face with her magic spear which she probably also stole from Bellerophon. I suspect this because she also has his Pegasus. Lois was stabbed because Kaiyo the Trickster from Apokolips was possessing her body. Also, because Lois Lane was looking way cuter than Wonder Woman.

The issue begins being narrated by Kaiyo the Trickster who has found herself tied up in Wonder Woman's magic lasso. I'm not sure if its Truthiness completely works on a New God but it must have some slight effect in that Kaiyo feels the need to project an image of Darkseid for everybody to see and fear. And then it's time to fuck with everybody and sow some seeds of discord.

Oh! Kaiyo is named Kaiyo after Coyote the Trickster God! I betcha!

After many, many years of being best friends, it only takes one random comment from a strange New God for the Superman of Earth Two to believe that Batman is a paranoid bastard that has the means to kill Superman if it comes to that. Not that Kaiyo was wrong! I just find Superman's lack of faith disturbing. That's your best buddy! Although I am just going by his first reaction of "Dammit, Bruce" and "still surprising me" and those are obviously not really that damning. Just one friend being annoyed by another. Yet again!

The knowledge that Bruce was keeping a deadly secret from him sends Clark into a reverie about his younger days when he first met Alfred Pennyworth. Oh, and Bruce!

Forget the kids. "Hey Alfred! You aren't going to fix a flat tire by looking under the hood!"

Here's the part I hate most about writing stupid jokes on the internet. I now feel I have to explain that caption to that photo and point out that it was a joke! I get that Alfred is probably killing time and looking busy so that Master Bruce will spend more time with another kid his age. Okay? So you can all stop trying to be smarter than me and just read my stupid fucking jokes already! Fuckers bitching about hospice and in hospice and what means what. Fucking Jesus! Fine! I fixed what I said to exactly quote Superman so it makes more sense for people that don't read the tiny print!

Okay, now that I'm done speaking directly to exactly one Follower (and being a major dick about it! Man, I'm an asshole. And a dick! Ooh! Is that what makes me so sexy?), let's get back to Batman of Earth Two Loves Superman of Earth Two #1 (which is the alternate title to Batman Loves Superman #3).

What does Bruce do, Clark? He kicks motherfucking ass, that's what!

I like how this scene is a call back to the first meeting of Bruce and Clark, and their attitudes to violence, in Batman Loves Superman #1.

If I'm not careful, I'm going to scan every page of this remembrance. I'm such a sucker for flashbacks to heroes as children.

I also like how Bruce rolls up his sleeve to begin the fight and Pa Kent makes a point of stopping his boy. And then fucking Alfred with the "Bruce has to learn to handle himself" when Bruce actually begins the brawl! I know it's not two kids fighting in anger. Bruce just wants his turn to show off his little kid skills. And Alfred's pretty fucking proud of those skills too. "Hey, Farmer Joe! Watch my kid beat the snot out of your little turd!"

Back to the present and back at the farm, Superman finds the crystal that Superman knocked out of Batman's hands. It's not Kryptonite but some other form of crystal not found on Earth. But Superman locates the source: a government bunker studying and protecting this strange material.

Who stops the Bat? This is DC Comics, kid. Nobody fucking stops the Bat.

These comic books should stop doing flashbacks during the story because now I'm not interested in the present! I just want to get back to the kids playing in the field and Alfred trying to figure out if this farmer is gay or not and whether they'll be making a lot more trips back to Smallville.

Just to clarify, I don't think Earth Prime Alfred is gay. But I do hope Earth Two Alfred is gay. And I'm almost positive Earth Three Alfred is gay because DC made him a bad guy.

Just what Young Master Bruce always wanted: some wide-eyed yokel to admire him! I mean, a friend!

Alfred and Bruce wind up staying for dinner and late into the evening.

But Alfred! You just met him! And you sat by his wife over dinner!

Is "Bruce" Alfred's name for his penis? ... Oh! Fuck. Master Bruce! Yeah, I already pointed this out earlier. Man, that was confusing!

Of course, The Littlest Detective figures out that Clark is crazy strong and they become best friends forever. But that's enough of the cute stuff. It's time to get back to the present where adult friends punch each other in the throat for fun.

Batman and Batman attack Superman and Superman but not because they want to hurt them! They just do it because it's hard to yell "Stop! Wait! The military have weapons that can kill you!" when the person you're yelling at can travel faster than the speed of sound. So they have a bit of a tussle to keep the Supermen from walking into a death trap created by the United States Government. And because of all this chaos, Earth Prime Superman and Earth Prime Batman now each know the secret identity of the other.

Team Earth Two decides they need to destroy the military weapon but Team Earth Prime aren't so sure they want to work together. That's when Kaiyo returns to inform them all that the weapon they want to destroy is the only weapon that can save the world and defeat the monster, Darkseid, that Kaiyo showed them earlier.

Batman Loves Superman #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It looks like Kaiyo has fled Apokolips and Darkseid eventually comes to Earth Two in search of Kaiyo. And Kaiyo is fucking with these Batmen and Supermen in an attempt to get them to use the Mega-Weapon to kill Darkseid when he comes so that Kaiyo can remain free. But we all pretty much know how that turns out, don't we?