Larfleeze #3

Can Giffen and DeMatteis refrain from quoting a song released in 1961? I highly doubt it.

Before I begin writing Larfleeze, I want to post my Missed Connection Ad:

You: Drunk frat guy in blue shirt trying to fist bump me and mumbling incoherently.
Me: Unkempt adult male that only high fives people under the age of four who waved you off and made a face which most semi-intelligent people would recognize as "Get the fuck away from me, you clownish twat."
You: The same guy standing in front of the pizzeria who pointed at me as I came back from the store and mumbled something about our previous encounter and then acted indignant when I wouldn't even say hello.
Me: Annoyed male that can't believe you feel butthurt that I'm not participating in your life and who now truly suspects that you're probably one of those guys who can't understand why women are such assholes to you, at least, and possibly a rapist, at worst. I hope we continue to miss each other for the rest of our lives. But I thought you could use some advice anyway: not everybody should be expected to participate in your life story. You will be left hanging at times. People will not enjoy talking to you. People may often not feel obligated to engage in your desperate need for conversation. Learn to move on without feeling it's a personal slight against your family honor. And, seriously? Stop trying to fist bump strangers, you asshole.

Okay. Now I can read Larfleeze!

Infighting? More like inbreeding! Also, I appreciate the usage of the "savage breast" quote. Because I'm one of those assholes that always needs to point out when somebody incorrectly quotes the line as "to soothe the savage beast." God, I hate people like me.

Speaking of hating people like me, here's a quick test to find out if your child is going to be an "actually" troll on the internet so you can nip that shit in the bud! Stay up past midnight some Friday night playing a board game. Wait until it's about twenty or thirty minutes past midnight and then ask them the time. Your kid probably has a cell phone, right? When they answer, respond with, "That late? Man, I love Fridays." If you're child pulls the "actually, it's Saturday!" routine, slap them in the mouth and send them to bed. Stop being such a spoiled literal douchebag! An easier test is to ask one to make you a sandwich and if they say, "Poof! You're a sandwich!", send them to their room forever.

The Wanderer tells how she and her brothers came to the Earth Prime Universe of The New 52. There's some torture and more interruptions by Butler Stargrave. But eventually, Wanderer gets to the reason why she's helped keep Stargrave alive: she purchased him many years ago before Larfleeze kidnapped him and now would like to know if he'd like to butler her.

Well, that will keep anybody from thinking that "butler" is just an immature euphemism.

The Wanderer also gives Stargrave the option of switching his male genitalia for female genitalia. Now while I believe that's a superior option to being castrated, I'm not sure how it better solves the problem of his male urges. He's still going to be attracted to females and enjoy giving The Wanderer baths. If I were Stargrave, I might even take her up on the option since she has some thing called an Omnachine which is capable of doing pretty much anything she needs. It's the Swiss Army Knife of her dimension. I wouldn't mind taking out my own female genitals for a few trial runs! Except I'd probably kill myself by accidentally knocking my head on the kitchen counter at the first sight of any blood in my nether regions. I'm simply assuming that the Omnachine Technology does a complete transformation to fully functional male to fully functional female, biologically speaking.

Oh no wait I'm out fuck that!

Her Omnachine really is the technological equivalent of a Swiss Army Knife! Pulsar Stargrave decides he'd rather keep his penis and his job with Larfleeze. I have a feeling Pulsar now understands why Larfleeze screams "MINE MINE MINE!" so emphatically.

Before Larfleeze completely comes around and begins destroying shit, Herb the Board Certified Lackey mentions somebody named "Dyrge" who, I imagine, is another member of the House of Tuath-Dan.

Once Larfleeze is conscious, quite a few pages are spent on The Wanderer and The Laord of the Hunt and Larfleeze battling over ownership of Pulsar Stargrave. There is a lot of "I'll kill you!" and "No, I'll kill you!" and "Nuh-uh!" and "Unh-huh!" It's all very less funny than I was hoping.

Although I still like every reference made to inbreeding. Man, why is incest so funny? I wonder if I was wired wrong and I'm actually supposed to think insects are funny?

Hee hee. Incest and Poop Jokes!

I think I know why this comic isn't working as well as the back-up stories in Threshold. Larfleeze needs more straight men in his life! No, not heterosexuals! Comedy partners. Right now he just has Pulsar whose a one note character like Larfleeze. And he's simply confronting other people as single-minded as he is, so there's a lot of bickering with no real substance. The back-up issues had a whole gang of people with the Star Rovers all with various personalities and kinks. Sure, many of them were also one-note characters but there were enough of them to keep the banter fresh. So Larfleeze needs to join a group of some kind. It's a lot like Lobo. When he's off on his own battling shit, it's a lot of Fraggin' Bastich this and Fraggin' Bastich that. But you put a bit of a leash on him and hook him up with LEGION, and you've got more beats to play to the character.

So far in this comic, Giffen and DeMatteis are building a bunch of various characters but they're still just obstacles to Larfleeze, like Herb and Lou the Guard Dog. Larfleeze needs some structure and limits! Hopefully Giffen and DeMatteis have Larfleeze interact with more old school DC Space Characters after this initial story run is over. I wouldn't mind seeing Larfleeze hang out with Space Cabbie for a bit.

After The Wanderer returns to kill Lou the Guard Dog, Larfleeze decides to summon forth the Orange Lantern Corps to battle The Wanderer while he gathers up the loot. But The Wanderer has this power she calls the Starsoul and it has the ability to transform energy into matter and whatnot. So she returns the Orange Constructs to their living forms and takes off with Stargrave.

This is an unexpected turn that I greatly appreciate! And may have saved this comic book from losing ranks! I sure hope they agree to continue to work for Larfleeze like this instead of just being another bunch of antagonists!

At least for next issue, they're all going to have to fight. But I'm sure Larfleeze will have some ability to keep them in line since they're all still wearing Orange Rings and he's kind of like the Master Battery and One Ring and all that shit. Fuck, I hope they remain a Corps like this and actually work as the team I was hoping for! The mummy is my favorite!

Larfleeze #3 Rating: No change. But that's just barely a no change! The beginning of this issue was a lot more of the same old same old for this thing: character tells a story while the Butler constantly interrupts. But then the Orange Corps got their lives back and I'm suddenly excited for the future of this comic book again! I'm only sorry it didn't happen sooner. Like five or six issues ago.