Red Hood and the Outlaws #23

I don't think I'm ever going to like Speedy. At first I just thought it was the way Scott Lobdell was writing him. But I'm beginning to suspect that he's just an asshole. But he's an asshole that the writer keeps telling the reader is actually a great guy with a warm heart and full of emotions. But you'll never see that part of him which is why the writers have to keep stating it. Which makes me believe it isn't actually true, is it? He's just a stupid prick that can kill anyone with anything. I think people really like him from DC's Animated Universe. But since this isn't that, I wouldn't know. He's simply been a grating, awful, self-involved piece of shit that is in love with the idea that he can have a best friend and girlfriend but would probably leave them freezing in the snow for a couple ounces of heroin.

Go on! Convince me that I'm wrong, Speedy Freaks!

Last issue, Roy Harper was proving that he can be a good friend by assaulting the City of Assassins to save his best buddy in all the world, Amnesiac Jason Todd. And since Jason Todd has no memories, he's not actually Roy Harper's friend. Which is why Roy is so pissed off. I mean, concerned. He's concerned about his buddy and not angry that nobody loves him anymore. Jason Todd was busy deciding that the League of Assassins must be his friends because they did so many dickish things to kidnap him. And Starfire was busy learning, from Essence, that The Untitled were going to take over the world by using that idiot Roy Harper as their puppet. Now that we're all caught up on my dislike for Roy Harper, what say we read this shit, eh?

Before all hell breaks loose, I should do some Master Comic Book Reader speculation. Here's my prediction: Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire will become besties again and have a long hug and go back to doing whatever the fuck they've been doing in this comic book. Dating each other? Dissing Batman and Superman? Having loads of sex? Grumbling? Whinging? Having a laugh?

The main question is: will Jason Todd get his memory back? Of course he will! Through the power of love and being annoying! Jason Todd will be ready to kill Roy Harper and Roy will say, "I won't kill you, buddy. So do whatever you must. I love you in a meaningful, manful way that probably doesn't involve erections but, well, you can never count that shit out. We do live on a deserted island. If Starfire ever stopped putting out, you might want to fletch my love shaft, right? That's arrow terminology!"

Last issue ended with Roy Harper at the Gates of Assassinsville (that should be a Facebook game. Get on it, coders. And toss me 1% of profits for the idea. Except it won't be fun or awesome without me writing the mechanics, so good fucking luck making another boring fucking internet game), so of course this issue begins with him in the middle of the city near the Fountain he needs to destroy while being hassled by Manbats.

Holy Manbats! That's a lot of Manbats. And yet Rictus told Lady Shiva last issue that he thought they might be running out of them due to her deadly training methods. Rictus may be some kind of super robot but he sucks at doing calculations.

After drugging the Manbats with his Propeller Monkey Balls filled with Darts dipped in Mad Hatter Freakout Tea, Roy encounters December Graystone, 12th Level Magic-user. Not Wild Mage. Or Sorcerer. Or Elementalist. Magic-user! That really is kind of a dumb name for a character class. Why isn't the Fighting Man the "Sword-user" or the Cleric the "Healing Spell-user"?

Oh, come one! Goths don't dance! They just kind of shuffle a bit while trying not to set each other on fire with their apathetically held cigarettes. Although December does look more like a Spooky Kid and I don't know what they do instead of dance. Make fun of the Goths dancing?

Speedy takes his Domino Mask off for a bit because Julius or Wayne or Walden or Nei or Daniel or Ray or Ian wasn't paying attention. Instead of listing all of the artists names like I just did, I should actually say Rickey Purdin and Eddie Berganza weren't paying attention because, you know, editors? Hopefully his bullet repelling shield also shielded his identity from being discovered since once Cheshire teleports into his shield and removes the generator from his crotch, his mask reappears on his face. Whew! That was a close one!

Next, Speedy shorts out Cheshire's teleport control in her wrist which makes it go haywire. She disappears so that she can return to fuck Speedy later. One thing The New 52 doesn't really know how to deal with is the relationships that existed in the Preboot era. Most of them are all really being forced because nobody wants to wait month after month to build and reestablish the sexual tension that had existed for so long previously. So we get this shit where Beast Boy and Terra instantly begin dating, and Cheshire and Roy can't stop making comments about how much they'd like to forget about the other one's sense of ethics and elope to Bonetown, and Cassie Sandsmark, after having nearly been killed by Superboy, can't help thinking to herself how hot he is for a big rapey jerk. Although now that Red Robin is fucking everybody on the Teen Titans, that Superboy thing might sort itself out. Also, Superboy has become a much better character since Justin Jordan took over. Too bad Jordan hated working with Scott Lobdell as well and now he's going before he even got a chance to make Superboy interesting.

Back on the surface world, Drakar of the Untitled is speaking with some secret person about how that person helped The Untitled get to the brink of taking over the world. Who could it be?! It looks like Jason Todd. Does Jason Todd have a clone? Did I miss some stupid plot point by Scott Lobdell somewhere while I was busy banging my head against the wall? Maybe it's Bruce Wayne searching for the Well of Souls to heal Damian! That would actually be pretty fucking awesome if Bruce Wayne was behind all of this shit. Of course the Batman Incorporated timeline doesn't really work. But since Scott Lobdell fucked up the continuity between this and Batman Incorporated already, who the fuck cares if it doesn't quite work out? Not me!

Meanwhile, Jason Todd stops Roy before he can blow up the fountain. Well, at least long enough for Starfire to show up.

I hate this amnesia shit. There's nothing worse than a character with absolutely no motivation. Jason Todd wanted to forget so he forgets. Then he wants to remember because he forgot why he wanted to forget. Then he finds out the things he wanted to forget were bad things that his friends were keeping from him to help him keep them forgotten like he wanted. So then he decides they're jerks for keeping the fact that he's a killer a secret because he hates that he was a killer which is why he wanted to forget in the first place. And since these old friends were such big liars, Jason decided to hook up with a bunch of killers because he doesn't want to be known for being a killer. I'm totally following this!

Kori arrives in time to blow up Roy's super gun so that he can't blow up the fountain. I think Roy makes a sex joke when Starfire appears when Roy says, "You had to show up and rub it in, didn't you?" Right? Is that sexy?

Starfire meets Rictus the Broken Ghost Calculater and is quickly dropped down into the center of the Earth because he's a ghost robot and can change his density just like a ghost and/or a robot.

And then Roy meets the rest of the League of Assassins. Or a bunch of Breakfast Cereal Mascots.

They're magically delicious!

Getting his ass severely handed to him can't stop Roy Harper though! Pshaw! That's every fucking day of his life! You can't get a man at the bottom down, bitches! He shoots his first arrow of the night (although it's out of a gun. Fucking poseur) and destroys the fountain. He even predicts the exact comic book noise it makes when it collapses! He knows his destructive noises! I mean, he is Arsenal, after all! Although he'll always be Speedy to me.

Jason Todd takes up the leadership role as The Headmaster of the League of Assassins just in time to order the League not to kill Roy and Starfire. Whew! That was a close one! But what kind of fucking Assassin leader is he if his first order is not to kill? A shitty one, right? Plus he's arguing with a bipedal tiger man. This League is a joke!

Why does Bronze Tiger need to look like a tiger to do his job? DC's marketing assholes must think a Tiger Headed Fool will sell more comic books than a black man kicking major ass. I think the marketing department has a list of characters they think will sell the most books to those that will sell the least.

DC Marketing Pro-Tips!
1. White Heterosexual Male.
2. White Heterosexual Female.
3. Tiger Headed Humanoid.
4. Hispanic Heterosexual Female (generally supporting cast, non-super-powered).
5. Black Heterosexual Male.
6. Hispanic Gay Female.
7. White Gay Male.
8. Hispanic Heterosexual Male.
9. White Gay Female.
10. Black Heterosexual Female.
11. I think that's all the combinations that will sell. If we need more, ask Gail Simone.

Before Roy and Starfire are thrown in Assassin prison, they give Jason Todd their "We Still Love You!" speech.

Oh Jason! How could you have gotten everything so wrong?! Idiot.

Jesus. How would I navigate through the maze of everyday life without my knowledge of pop culture tropes? Realize that this is technically Jason Todd's first time every seeing this trope! He's experiencing the defeated friends still love you confusion for the first time ever! As if it doesn't happen all the fucking time! What a lucky bastard! I bet DC wishes they could have erased the actual memory of all of their fans instead of just asking the fans to sort of kind of ignore the past and pretend everything is new again.

And then The Untitled attack and it's up to Jason Todd to bring balance to the force.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. Not that I was overly impressed by this issue but at least it didn't bore me and I enjoyed it as much as any comic book I'd pick up if it were in arm's reach and my cat was on my lap so I couldn't go anywhere. Roy was annoying but I suppose he's meant to be. Starfire was too easily defeated just by making her feel fat. And Jason Todd seemingly can only defeat The Untitled and bring balance to the world by losing his memories and leading a bunch of Assassins in battle. Assassins that somehow believe they're going to turn the world into a Utopia. What? How? By allowing anybody that's pissed at anybody else to murder them? Sure, that may seem great in the short term! "Fucker bumped me and made me spill my coffee? Dead!" I mean, that might feel good while you're still angry about your spilled coffee. But after the anger subsides, you're going to start wondering if maybe you overreacted a bit. I'm not sure the world is ready for this kind of overwhelming guilt.

Nightwing #14

How many pages until these two are fucking? The over/under is 15.

I wonder if the good writers at DC hang out with the bad writers at DC? I wonder if everyone in the office walks around thinking they're one of the good writers? I bet the good writers don't even enter the offices at DC since they'd have to take a plane from somewhere in the United Kingdom to go to work in the morning.

But perhaps I'm wrong? I have a feeling the really amazing writers spend way too much time writing while Scott Lobdell (even though he's writing something like four books a month!) and Tom DeFalco just sit down and piss out their story over one weekend. So they're probably the guys that go out drinking and carousing every night. Maybe the bad writers are the ones that everyone wants to hang out with! I bet Winnick does shots with Ann Nocenti all night while his wife is in surgery saving lives. And since Tom DeFalco seems to telling the same story every month in Superboy, he's opened up a whole shitload of free time. Maybe that's why DC forced him to write a story in Nightwing so Higgins can recharge. "Come on, Tom! Just take one of your Superboy scripts and do a search/replace on Superboy with Nightwing. And replace the current bad guy with Lady Shiva! That'll work."

I think putting "Dick" in quotation marks sets the wrong tone for this entire "getting to know the protagonist" box. Now when I read it, I also see "partner" and "became a man" in quotation marks too!

First off, I'm glad to see Tom DeFalco is still labeled the "guest writer." Let's just hope he doesn't end up "guest writing" the book for three years! Hurry back, Kyle Higgins!

Second off, Nightwing reminds all of the readers that The Joker is back in Gotham City so don't forget to read Batman #13! Still on sale!

Third off (although my numbering is probably off since the Narration Box I scanned was really the first off!), Nightwing is hunting for Lady Shiva by following a trail of slit throats across Gotham. But the first murder he investigates doesn't turn out to be her.

So Nightwing likes to beat up kittens?

Now that I've wasted twenty minutes laughing and crying at that video, I should probably donate some money to an animal shelter. And finish reading Nightwing. Or start reading it even!

Nightwing finishes up with the kittens, turns the research over the next murder to Lucius Fox, and heads out to check up on his Amusement Park. For new readers and people not paying attention and, since he's only thinking this, himself, Nightwing explains that Amusement Mile is a project he's spent all of his money on so that Gotham can have a nice, safe, fun place for families to go.

A shining beacon. Or a flaming wheel of death when some psycho sets it ablaze and unbolts it, sending it rolling downtown!

Nightwing promises the daughter of the new trapeze artists that she and her family will be safe. She's heard the rumours that the circus is jinxed. Little does she know it isn't jinxed at all! It's simply the breeding ground for the best assassins that have ever lived and died and lived again! I'm not sure how Nightwing can promise anyone that they'll be safe as long as they're in Gotham. Batman and the Bat Family might always come through and stop the bad guys in the end but a lot of people always seem to die before that end happens.

Later Nightwing speaks with Sonia on the phone. DeFalco had a few pages last issue where he wrote Batgirl and they were awful. She was a snotty bitch that was worried about The Joker being back in town. Maybe The Joker being back is an excuse to have her on edge but the caption said the scene took place after Batgirl #14. But in Batgirl #14, she was strong and confident and really at her best. Nothing like the shaken, bad-tempered woman seen in the last issue of Nightwing. I mention this because now Nightwing is acting really stupid in the scene where he speaks with Sonia. Maybe Nightwing's detective skills fail him when he's trying to read women. That's kind of understandable. But he speaks with Sonia who apologizes for standing him up the night before when they were supposed to have a business meeting. His reaction?

I guess the typical business thing is to not give a shit if you miss a meeting?

Dick is a great detective but he thinks someone apologizing is intimate? That's okay. He does seem to be a bit clueless when it comes to women. Especially redheads. And he seems interested in Sonia so he keeps second guessing every comment she makes. I'm actually fine with this scene and his characterization but I brought it up so I could talk about the Batgirl incident from Nightwing #13 after having now read Batgirl #14!

Lucius gets back with some information that makes him realize that Lady Shiva may be in town to kill all of the witnesses for that S.E.C. case mentioned last issue. Remember where I said Sonia Branch was probably Lady Shiva's next victim? Yeah, that's about to happen. Unless she's really just out here to ask Nightwing on a date. That's a definite possibility and the way I hope this story is headed.

Once Dick Grayson puts on the Nightwing costume and hits Gotham's roofs, he runs into Lady Shiva. She's such a super assassin that she can tell the instant somebody is onto her plans! They tussle for awhile and then Nightwing makes a comment that makes me think the two of them fucking isn't going to happen this issue.

Or what? Brunette?

Nightwing manages to stop the hit on Sonia. Luckily the hit was taking place just outside the building as Sonia was entering to testify. Lady Shiva has the single chance to assassinate her but fails. Sonia ducks into the courthouse to testify! Lady Shiva's reputation is fucked and she takes it out on Nightwing.

Great. Now his ribs are never going to fucking heal. Maybe The Joker will just put him out of his misery in an issue or two.

Lady Shiva lets Dick live for now. Partly, I suspect, because he was fighting at a disadvantage with the cracked ribs. Martial arts villains don't like to defeat foes that aren't at the top of their game. But she also mentions she may need "even more" from him later. Like sex! I knew it! The encounter ends as Lady Shiva jumps to another roof with pathetic, beaten Dick Grayson screaming after her, "Can you at least tell me who hired you?" Seriously. Batman would be ashamed!

The plea from Nightwing is really just to set up the next scene showing The Penguin speaking with Ogilvy and telling Shiva, over the phone, that her fee has been wired to her. It's a nice segue except for the part where it makes Nightwing sound like a real, whiny, impotent bitch!

And that segue segues nicely into the Death of the Family plotline.

How long has Ogilvy been around? I like this guy! I hope he and Alfred engage in some fisticuffs during Death of the Family!

The last page shows The Joker breaking Raya Vestri out of Blackgate Prison. She's the other red head from Dick Grayson's younger days with Haly's Circus that tried to destroy Nightwing and Haly's Circus with the help of Saiko half a dozen issues ago. I guess she's invited to the party! Yay!

Nightwing #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Holy fuck cows! Did I just increase a comic book's rankings while Tom DeFalco was at the helm? I can't believe it! Maybe it's because I'm all hopped up on caffeine and YouTube videos of kittens getting their hats smacked off of their heads. Seriously though, I enjoyed this story and I still really like Nightwing even with DeFalco writing him. Fuck. I think I'm becoming a Fanboy!

Oh, um, plus the art was enjoyable. Good job, Guinaldo and Irwin!