Action Comics #18

I predict this issue ends with Superman wedged between a train and a wall.

Last issue, Mr. Mxyzptlk finally woke up. But since he's a fifth dimensional creature, doesn't that mean he's now awake across all moments? So it's like he was never in a coma at all! I'm so confused. Leave it to Grant Morrison to not only tell a multi-Earth tale but to add multiple dimensions and time travel to his story as well! What a show off.

Oh yeah! And Lex Luthor saved Superman's life.

I didn't say he did it with the best of intentions.

Luthor only gets the one chance to divert Doomsday Brand X Superman's attention away from killing Superman because Lex isn't really in the battle armor. He's controlling it remotely from his super secure prison facility vacation home. Once Doomsday Brand X Superman destroys it, Luthor's out of options. But his distraction may have helped save Krypto's life. Although I don't know what kind of a life a dog can have without a soul. Oh wait! Yes I do! A normal one!

If you guys are going to insist on constantly making me sad, I'm going to stop reading your stupid comic book!

Superman doesn't have time to save Krypto because he has a schedule to keep. First on the schedule, punch Doomsday Brand X Superman in the bony face. Second on his schedule, get loaded on Red Kryptonite.

At this point in Superman's life, he's never even met Mr. Mxyzptlk! Poor Supes! Being punished for something he'll never get to do!

Lion-headed Superman soon becomes Ant-headed Superman as Vyndktvx reminds Superman that the Silver Age was a super fun time to be alive. But those days it was Mxyzptlk doing the pranking! It was silly and whimsical. Vyndktvx is a modern day fifth dimensional bastard and he knows some really mean tricks. At this point, I don't even think he wants to kill Supes. He just wants to torture him and make the whole world hate his guts.

Meanwhile in Mr. Mxyzptlk's hospital room, Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane and Cosmic Man and Saturn Woman and Lightning Man all try to make sense of what is happening. Ferlin Nyxly arrives to add to the chaos. He brings the Superman shirt with his mother's blood on it. He does this because he's supposed to do this. It's one of the reasons he was created. It's all a fifth dimensional plan that three dimensional people can't even begin to see.

So even the stories about Superman buying his shirts were important to the plan!

Apparently Ferlin Nyxly is the key to defeating Vyndktvx. Ferlin was Mxyzptlk's greatest trick not because he created a son that he always wanted but he created a way to defeat Vyndktvx. Ferlin is a Music Therapist and he's also somehow linked to Vyndktvx. So either Ferlin has to sing Vyndktvx into submission or maybe Ferlin simply has to say Vyndktvx's name backwards. Or most probably, Ferlin is roommates with Ambush Bug and he needs to give Irwin a ring to come and save Supes life!

The fight between Superman and Doomsday Brand X Superman is happening in the third dimension but Supes is also battling Vyndktvx in the fourth dimension although Superman sees this battle as the Red Kryptonite hallucinations. Vyndktvx is beginning to get confused trying to comport himself to the rules and boundaries of the third dimension as he controls Doomsday Brand X Superman. Thankfully for Superman, the original Superman, Captain Comet, shows up with his 31st Century team, The Wanderers.

It would have been so much better if he had shown up with Atari Force.

Atari Force defeats the Anti-Superman Army and save Krypto (he'll regrow his soul!) and convince Erik Drekken to evolve into one of them and join Atari Force. Now they're providing psychic cover to help Superman. And then Morrison hits on an interesting aspect of a fifth dimensional attack on a third dimensional person.

For Vyndktvx, this is a spontaneous attack. He hasn't been planning to torture Superman across his whole life. He just threw a tantrum and all of this happened. It's so easy for Vyndktvx that his plan came together in mere moments (if you can call whatever he experiences as time "moments") while Superman has been dealing with it seemingly his entire life. Technically Vyndktvx has as many chances as he wants to defeat Superman. He can just keep coming back again and again and again. But he doesn't. It's just this single time. Which means he must be defeated.

Well, duh! Of course he's going to be defeated! But I like the logic inherent in the situation that implies he absolutely must be beaten here.

And to do so, instead of getting Vyndktvx to say his name backwards, Superman gets everyone on earth to say their names backwards at the same time. He can do this because Vyndktvx has linked everyone's minds so that Superman could feel the pain and anguish and death of mankind. But when everyone says their names backwards, Ferlin says his backwards too. And it's not the one he thought was his.

And so Vyndktvx says his name backwards as well, disappearing into the fifth dimension.

Back in the Fifth Dimension, it's the moment after Vyndktvx killed the king and he's arrested and dragged away. Mxyzptlk's plan came through. Although it wasn't a plan to save Superman at all. It was simply a plan to become King and win the Princess's love. What a little bastard.

Unless it all happened differently. Who can fucking tell?

Action Comics #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm a bit disappointed with this ending. Although it could be my feeble mind that just hasn't put it all together, it was pretty much a super cheesy ending getting everyone to help support Superman with the name trick. But I also think there's a lot I didn't quite follow. I know I should reread the entire Mxyzptlk run but I think I'll leave it as it is for now. Vyndktvx killed a king and threw a tantrum to punish Superman. In the end, Superman's life ends up altered and screwed up from what it could have been, but Superman does not let Ms. Nyxly wish it back to normal because he needs the wish so that Noah Random and his family on Mars don't have their faces melted off. I'm not clear on why or how Ferlin was a part of Vyndktvx except that he was "Mxy's greatest trick." I'm not sure that Legion really did anything to help unless they did slam their time bubble in Vynnie's face to confuse him. And I'm not sure at what point in time the final Day took place, but I guess that isn't really important. It just happens to be a fight that Superman had to wage across his whole life. Luckily it just happens the one time. Umm, as far as Superman knows!

Green Lantern Corps #18

John Stewart, Indigo Lantern Sniper. 50 calibers of compassion.

Last issue of Green Lantern Corps, Volthoom fucked with Guy Gardner. Now it's John's turn to see how his past might have been if a sociopath were directing history and making John's decisions for him.

I guess John is always going to be a supporting character since Volthoom is screwing with Fatality in this issue as well.

The multiple Lantern Corps have faced several crises so far in the Reboot. I'm pretty sure every crisis began because of the Lantern Corps. Invictus was destroying planets due to Larfleeze's past actions. Other planets were being destroyed by the Keepers of the Power Batteries because their source of power had been taken away when the Guardians decided to stop storing batteries on the Keepers' homeworld. Sinestro and Hal waged a battle against the Yellow Corps enslaving his homeworld. The Guardians of the Universe created the Third Army to kill everything. Guy and John battled for their lives against the Alpha Corps. Black Hand of the Black Lantern Corps returned to cause trouble. Volthoom is the First Lantern and the source of the Guardians' power, and now he's going to remake the universe. I'm getting the feeling that the universe would be much safer without this fucking police force. Nobody wants you coming in to their neighborhoods, you assholes!

Volthoom begins by telling John Stewart he was a coward for not saving his mother when she was assassinated while running for political office. Volthoom is a dick that trades in regrets and could-have-beens. He can't change the universe so he's going to remind everyone that their life could have been worse. Is that how the Green Lanterns are going to defeat him? By rising up and saying, "But it wasn't that way! We persevered! Against all odds, we became heroes! And even if we occasionally fucked up and killed an innocent person, we pretended it never happened and we marched on! So stop making us feel bad, you stupid meany head!" Anyway, that's my prediction for the end of this Cosmic Event.

Speaking of Cosmic Events (actually, Cosmic Odysseys), Volthoom reminds John Stewart about that time he thought he could save a planet from being blown up but discovered the bomb was yellow. Volthoom doesn't change this event because Volthoom just wants to leave events that hurt John the way they were and change events to things that make John feel badly for not being able to change them himself. This might be why Volthoom is visiting Fatality as well since this screw up by Stewart affected her pretty significantly. You know, being that it was her homeworld and all.

Volthoom gives John a new reality where he shoots himself in the head and he gives Fatality a new reality where she kills John. Volthoom! If you want your realities to stick, you're going to have to stop creating paradoxes, you jerk.

I guess Volthoom is just vamping at this point because he finally decides on this being a more romantic end:

For a villain based on emotion, Volthoom hasn't convinced me to emotionally invest in this story.

Volthoom continues to show John Stewart that maybe his tough choices weren't always the choice that needed to be made. But he does it in a sloppy fashion that shouldn't convince anyone. When Stewart killed Mogo to save millions of lives, Volthoom shows him a future where Kyle stopped John and saved everybody without killing Mogo. Except he doesn't show John how Kyle did it. He just shows a happy ending. Oh look! Everyone is okay! No thanks to you! And then he reminds John about the time he killed Kirrt to keep the Keepers from gaining the Oan Power Battery. But Volthoom shows another possible reality where John gives in and Kirrt kills him. What the fuck is that supposed to prove?! That John made the right decision because Kirrt would have done the same thing in that situation?

The most succinct thing he says is that John would have been better off killing himself after he failed to save Xanshi because death has always followed on Stewart's heels. Of course, the opposite could be true too when you're dealing with whatever possible reality you want to show somebody! Maybe John simply was the only person to make the tough choices and he was always the only person to be in the wrong place at the right time to make those decisions. If John had killed himself, maybe even more people would have died, right? I think when Ostrander long ago put the words "John Stewart's mill" on paper, John's path was set in motion. He would always be the one to take actions that would do the most good for the most people, no matter how horrible those actions were.

After Volthoom is done with the false history lesson, he fucks the shit out of both of them.

That's a lot of rainbow jizz.

Green Lantern Corps #18 Rating: No change. I hadn't really thought much about how my Green Lantern Masturbation Theory has been mostly useless during this new catastrophe. Until this final scene in this issue. Volthoom does indeed represent rape. Here it seems a little bit too explicit but what he's doing is raping the psyches and histories of all of these unwilling Green Lanterns. He is forcing his way into their minds and trying to change their core being. And just like rape, this is all about gaining power. Volthoom is literally (I think this is one of the few actual times this word needs to be used!) powering up by the emotional terror he's causing his victims. While I haven't been too interested in this story, I think it just became supremely creepy in this context and my interest is piqued. This might be a truly grotesque horror story. I think I have to reread these issues now!

Nebiros! (as seen in DC Universe Presents #14-16)

Part 19 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Demon Lord of a nameless hell
Marital Status: Unknown
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: A nameless hell
First Appearance: BLUE DEVIL #1
Height: 12' Length: 25'
Weight: Incalculable [Because nobody can get him on a scale?]
Eyes: Green Hair: None

HISTORY
"Thousands of years ago, a long-since forgotten civilization worshiped their demon-god, Nebiros [So he's not just a demon! He's a god! I think it's an insult to say he rules "a nameless hell". Or is that his own description of his world?]. Their priests breached the void between his dimension and our own, unleashing the monster on the world. They sacrificed captives to him, and in return he led their armies in an attempt to conquer the world.

Eventually Nebiros' empire grew to threaten the other great powers of the day: Mu, Lemuria, and Atlantis. The greatest mages of these realms banded together to defeat Nebiros. They vanquished his armies and banished him to his own dark dimension [Oh, so now it's simply a "dark dimension"?]; forever, they hoped.

But six thousand years later, Nebiros was accidentally freed by Sharon Scott and Wayne Tarrant, friends of Dan Cassidy, during the filming of Blue Devil (see Blue Devil). Cassidy defeated the monster, returning him to his realm, but at terrible cost to himself [If you call having a gigantic blue demon stunt suit with super powers fused to your body a cost!].

Shortly thereafter, Nebiros became freed again, this time threatening Mexico. Once more he was defeated by the Blue Devil, who was aided by Zatanna (see Zatanna).

Now Nebiros broods in his dark realm [Or nameless hell. Or dark dimension.], dreaming of returning to Earth to conquer the world and avenge himself upon the Blue Devil."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Nebiros is an awesomely mighty engine of raw mystic power. His magic is not refined into spells and incantations, but rather is unleashed as pure supernatural chaos.

He is virtually indestructible, possessed of nearly limitless strength and stamina, fast beyond belief, and inhumanly savage.

For a brief period he possessed the Blue Devil's trident, which he altered into a potent conduit to channel and control mystic energy from his dimension, but the Blue Devil eventually regained control of the trident, and Nebiros generally eschews weaponry [He sounds so sophisticated!].

Perhaps Nebiros' only real weakness is his odd, demonic sense of honor [Oh no! Not this bullshit again! Honor is always a person's downfall!]. By his own standards, he is an ethical being, adhering to a code of conduct that, while terrifyingly alien, is also rigorous. He is direct and straightforward, and this makes him peculiarly susceptible to the subterfuges of less honorable entities [and to Daniel Cassidy's bad jokes.]"

Threshold #3

Another day, another drunken rabbit in space comic.

Spring is here and with it comes the soul crushing realization that rebirth is simply an illusion, a cruel hoax played on humankind by the natural world. "Rejoice! Spring is here!" sing the youthful, skipping through fields, fucking passionately in the meadows, drunk from the scent of newly budding flowers and fresh fallen rain. But where is the rebirth for my aching body, growing wearier and wearier year after year? The joy of the eternal is only for the severely self-deluded and those still riding the crest of the wave of youth. For those that have been pushed past the peak, quickly descending the other side of the wave, spring is a harsh joke and a worse reminder than winter's stark cold that it all must soon end.

What I'm trying to say is, "Happy Spring everybody!"

What I really wanted to say, having the bunny theme already set up, was, "Happy Easter everybody!" But being that most of the denizens of the internet are entirely too literal, I would have received an influx of "It's not Easter" messages. But it is spring! So like death swooping down magnificently on an old woman clutching her chest and gasping for breath, I've nipped that problem in the bud!

Besides, if I say something like "Happy Easter", people might read into the religious connotations of my sentiment as if every religious holiday hasn't been completely co-opted by secularists. I guess it's only fitting since the religious co-opted the pagan ritual days. I can't wait until another thousand years has passed and Easter becomes a day where everybody barricades their doors and hides in the bomb shelters because the grenade lobbing death bunny has once again risen from the grave, hop-hop-hopping down that bunny trail to eviscerate your children and leave their bloody hearts in a basket on your doorstep.

Who are the numb-monkeys that made decompression so popular? I'm not a man of violence unless a huge, well-muscled man attacks me for no reason and I happen to be carrying a skateboard but if I would allow myself an act of violence on anybody in the world, it's the people that respond to forum posts with TL;DR. Stop reveling in your ignorance and your short attention spans and thinking that people who enjoy the act of communication are somehow jerks for trying to make you read words. What these forum assholes are really saying is, "I'm an asshole and an idiot and I think typing four letters and a piece of punctuation is a sufficient critique of your ability to put together a coherent thought.

Now all the smarmy assholes are chomping at the bit to reply to this post with TL;DR. Although who the fuck reads any of my long-winded commentaries if they're that type of internet monkey?! I've never been known for brevity. Incoherent rambling? Check! Short, succinct analyses of pop culture media? Maybe if you break it down into snippets and you categorize each of my comments as a brief analysis of a specific moment in time, you might think of my writing as a series of "brief analyses" which cut deep into the heart of some archetypical landscape of our collective hopes, dreams, and fears.

Meanwhile in the comic book, the furries are stealing weapons.

Don't get me wrong! I appreciate the utility of a well-placed TL;DR. Sometimes a person will use it on their own post when they know some of the information they're placing in the text might be more technical or more complicated than the average person scanning the web might be in the mood for. But they feel the message is of some import, so a TL;DR note at the bottom summing up the text is helpful. Then the meat of the argument/message/whatever is there for those interested, and the synopsis of the message is also clear for those just speeding through on their way to more cat videos. But as a response to somebody else? It ranks right up there with "Meh". And ranking high, in this context, means it sucks. In my mind, it's always preferable to read somebody's disagreements with what I have to say than to have them respond as if they either didn't read it (in the case of TL;DR) or as if their time is too important or their intellect too great to say anything more than "Meh." "Meh" is only used in an insulting way. You might as well not even post. Or if you begin with "Meh" and then respond anyway, how about you just leave the "Meh" off, hunh, you condescending douchebaggy banana turnip.

Meh.

Wow. That was remarkable! Invigorating! Why am I wasting so many words writing about comic books and pointing out the good and the bad when I can just review each one with a "Meh" or an "Epic!" Holy shit. Why the fuck am I wasting so much time with my own thoughts?! "Meh" is the ultimate criticism! It can't be argued against! It derides just the right amount to show the other person is an unthinking bottom feeder and I'm that person's superior! It's also not very entertaining but I can live with not being very entertaining, can't I? Especially when I suddenly have so much more time to live! I shall embrace the "Meh"! I shall live by the code of the "TL;DR"! I shall become an INTERNET GOD!

Hey Sea Green Fish Face! That's the same question I asked last Commentary!

I wonder how remorseful Jaime Reyes is going to be about killing all of these innocent bystanders once he gains control again? Perhaps he just won't have to deal with it since he's unconscious underneath the Reach armor after being kicked in the head by that silly rabbit.

I can't believe I keep talking through this Hunted Live Feed. I'm like your jerk parents that can't watch a movie without constantly asking questions throughout the whole thing. "How big do you think that guy's prick is?" "Do you think she's completely shaved?" "How old do you think that actor was before he got his first hemorrhoid?" "Do you still love me?" I should get back to The Hunted since it's gotten particularly exciting now.

Fucking gimmicks!

Caul runs into a a Hunt Club called The Eradicators. But before they get a chance to kill him, Blue Beetle comes rampaging onto the scene to destroy their hopes and dreams. You see, Blue Beetle is still in his grace period. So the Hunt Club can't defend themselves against him. They can! But if they kill him, they'll end up replacing him on the show as one of the hunted. So their only real choice is to die. Okay, that's not much of a choice. I guess they could try to run.

See? They've come to the same conclusion!

Luckily for these Crimson Thrust wannabes, Jaime Reyes comes to and suppresses the Scarab's penchant for evisceration. Jaime flies off to go to ground, so to speak, while Caul breathes a sigh of relief. He also sighs because Hawkins and his robot bodyguard Ilda have caught up to him. Hawkins is a Hunted who disguises himself with Matches Malone Cloaking Technology. He's been trying to get Caul to follow him back to a "blind point" where the Live Feeds can't find them. It's kind of a Hunted Refugee Camp. Caul hasn't been interested until now. Why now? Because Hawkins tells him that he's found his power battery.

Meanwhile Captain K'rot is arguing with Sleen (who, it turns out, is a kitten and not a raccoon. Which means I can still have a weird, furry, inappropriate crush on her) about leaving Caul to the Reach Warrior. Apparently Caul is supposed to be their friend. But Captain K'rot is the Han Solo type. He ain't got friends, princess! He just has a gigantic sidekick and, well, in this case, a sexy raccoon/kitten/human hybrid. I wonder if she knocks over garbage cans at night and goes fucking batshit over dangled string? I wonder why Han Solo didn't have a sexy raccoon/kitten/human hybrid? While they're arguing their argument that will probably end up with Captain K'rot feeling guilty and coming back to save Luke's life, she mentions his missing leg.

If Liefeld hadn't been allowed to fuck up Lobo's Reboot appearance, I'd guess it was Lobo that took his leg. It would have been awesome to see Lobo flying his space hawg with a gigantic rabbit's foot hanging off the handlebars.

Before Captain K'rot can feel guilty (which I'm not sure he can), a green butler appears to offer Captain K'rot a job for 50,000 credits. He wants Captain K'rot to retrieve Caul's power battery. That either puts him at odds with Hawkins or means the green butler actually works for Hawkins. Whatever the case, it means Captain K'rot will be remaining on Tolerance for a bit longer.

Meanwhile, Space Ranger Ric Starr has brought Stealth back to the Refugee Bar where T'morra (the leader of the refugees? I think?) recruits other Hunted players to the rebellion. The current known members of T'morra's little group are Hawkins, Ric Starr, Ember, and Ilda (if a Robot Bodyguard can be a member). They seem to be getting Caul with the Power Battery lure. And now they've got a proposal for Stealth.

Everybody loves a rebellious underdog! As long as they keep that love and admiration hidden from the prying eyes of the ruling government.

Meanwhile Blue Beetle is being recruited for the cause by Lonar, another Hunted who believes he's a God. Or a New God. I'm not entirely sure what the difference is! I think it has something to do with Jimmy Olsen. His steed, Thunderer, does not make an appearance. At least not yet.

Later in the back-up story, Larfleeze is busy trying to retrieve his stolen possessions with the help of the Star Rovers and, apparently, this other guy.

I'm actually surprised he doesn't have a giant rabbit's foot hanging from his belt.

This is the famous Branx Rancor! Famous in that he was mentioned by Sleen earlier in the non-back-up story.

See? Famous!

The Star Rovers and Larfleeze strike a deal with Branx for his help.

I have a feeling Branx is going to be less likable than Lobo. I like him!

The deal is going as smoothly as one would expect between a narcissist like Larfleeze and a misogynist like Branx when L.E.G.I.O.N. shows up. They were hunting Branx and his companion and now they can add the smugglers, The Star Rovers, to their list of people to apprehend.

L.E.G.I.O.N.'s apprehension of a bunch of criminals in a starside cafe is going as smoothly as possible where a bunch of innocent people are caught up in the crossfire of an authoritarian military regime and a bunch of space villains when Larfleeze's rogue orange constructs decide to crash the party.

Be with us next issue for "Star Rover, Star Rover, Send Rancor on Over" or "Orange You Glad We Didn't Say Banana."

Threshold #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I could have hated this entire issue and I'd still love that it's left me with the anticipation of some character showing up in the future with a giant rabbit's foot attached to his belt.

The Ravagers #10

Deathstroke? Is Deathstroke what comes next? Wasn't Deathstroke supposed to be coming? What happened to Deathstroke?!

Yep! It's Deathstroke!

I know I should have some profound observation about Deathstork teaming up with Sweatervest but I'm stunned that they spelled Ig Guara's name wrong.

Ha ha! Just kidding! I'm not really stunned at all! This is The Ravagers, after all! Historically, it has been the worst edited comic in DC's 75 years publishing comic books! I haven't actually done the proper research to know if that's true, but my gut is telling me no other comic could possibly have been edited this poorly. And my gut is full of french fries, so it knows what it's talking about.

Look at Harvest being all batlike! He's also acting so Tim Drakey! I'm surprised Deathstroke hasn't figured out who he is already just by the smell of his body odor and the way he shifts his weight and the name on the contract I'm sure they both signed or else Deathstroke wouldn't have taken on this assignment. Free killing is the worst.

Of course he'll stick to the deal, Slade. Because you signed a contract. Right? Tell me you signed a contract! He's a super villain! Of course he's going to try to screw you! At least you have the contract so you can sue his ass. Right?

I'm pretty sure Deathstroke isn't interested in money on this mission because he wants access to Rose Wilson. Does he know she's his daughter? Is she the native girl from Eclipso Island? Or is she just some psycho that took Slade's name and Slade simply wants to know why? Maybe it's his granddaughter!

Speaking of Slade's relatives, what the fuck happened to Jericho? Liefeld had a fucking major boner over bringing Jericho and Adeline back and then they both disappeared with Liefeld! I hope everyone just forgets that version of them (along with Jericho's henchman, Miscarriage Man).

Harvest has already sent out his Butcher Bots to kill Warblade and Rose for their ineptitude. If that happens and Deathstroke signed a contract to kill The Ravagers so that he can have access to Rose Wilson, he's got a potential lawsuit on his hands. I hope the final issue of Deathstroke takes place in Judge Judy's court with Harvest guest starring as the Defendant.

Meanwhile back at The Chief's non-Doom Patrol safe house, The Ravagers are bonding over not having to speak any more Howard Mackie dialogue.

Here they revel in some good Tony Bedard conversation. Blue Beetle died so The Ravagers could suck way less. Well, he didn't actually die. I mean, Ted Kord died but that was in the Preboot and now I'm sad because I brought up Ted's death. Thanks a lot, readers!

While everybody is joking around about their most embarrassing moments like how Caitlin fucked Niles and how Beast Boy sprayed butt juice on a Ravager and how Thunder's sister disappeared into Brother Blood's portal, Ridge begins to exhibit Hulk-like behaviors. Or should I say Banner-like behaviors? Ridge doesn't hulk out when he's angry but when he doesn't feel safe. And now that everybody is having a good time and nobody is trying to kill them, Ridge reverts back to his human form.

I guess Beast Boy can stop being jealous of him now.

Back in Hartsville, Warblade and Rose defeat the Butcher Bots and realize they need to capture the Ravagers and bring them back to Harvest or else Harvest is going to keep trying to kill them. Maybe they should just join the Ravagers and help defeat Harvest! That's such a dumb idea that might just happen! Damian Wayne was a psychotic monster and he learned how to love. Maybe Warblade can too!

Meanwhile more of this disgusting shit is going on:

Dude! How many times am I going to have to see Beast Boy get his heart broken by Terra?! Hasn't he been through enough already! She's going to betray him!

Now I'm wondering if Geoforce is out there ruling over Markovia!

While Beast Boy and Terra suck face in a children's toy store, Niles Caulder is busy bringing Lightning back to life. How did he do it? Did he use Waller's Samsara project? A Lazarus Pit? Whatever Basilisk uses to bring back their corpses? Nanobots? Cloning? Black Magic? No, he just used technobabble! I mean, science!

I bet Batman still has one of Damian's stool samples! I bet Caulder can resurrect Damian from that!

After a big day of nobody trying to kill them (day's not over yet!), everybody tries to go to bed happy so that nothing horrible can crop up unexpectedly. Too bad Little Boy Ridge decides to get up for a midnight snack. As he's grabbing food, he remembers that his mother was pregnant when N.O.W.H.E.R.E. kidnapped him. So there's a Little Toddler Ridge out there somewhere as well! Too bad Little Boy Ridge will never get to meet him. Remember last commentary when I said, "If only Ridge’s skeleton were shown, I’d be willing to believe the cover."

I knew he was disposable!

The Ravagers #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ridge being stabbed in the back by Deathstroke and erupting into flames doesn't actually mean he's dead. You see, a stipulation in the contract was that Deathstroke use "the Abeo Blade" to kill The Ravagers. I have a feeling the Abeo Blade somehow captures a person when they're stabbed by it. Kind of like a really sharp Pokeball.

Why was this issue called "Women and Children First"? Is it because that's the order in which Deathstroke likes to kill people? What a dick!

I also think the cover was intended for whatever storyline Howard Mackie had in line before he left the title. Because that shit don't make sense!

Demon Knights #18

Why are those vampires vicious and mean? I thought they were supposed to be emo and sexy?

Last issue, Jason Blood led his group of ladies and horses and hermaphrodites to Madame Xanadu so that she could give him back his mouth. Being that he had no mouth, he couldn't tell them where they were going. Things almost erupted into a huge magic battle except Madame Xanadu recognized everybody. I wondered why Jason Blood couldn't take the time to write his companions a note to let them know where they were going. Seemed like the courteous thing to do.

Well, I guess that's a little bit better!

Xanadu informs the others that she can reverse the spell placed on Jason Blood and give him back his mouth. But she's really uppity and bitchy about it. Look, lady. I'm sure you were sitting in this dank cabin for years wondering where the fuck Jason Blood was and resenting him more and more each day. But you don't have to take out your hurt and anger on the people that brought him to you! Besides, why didn't you throw some bones and read some tea leaves or something. You could have known exactly when he'd return to this meeting place and then showed up ten minutes after that. Some seer you are!

You may have gotten the hint that I have no patience for Madame Xanadu.

Anyway, this is the first thing he does when he gets his mouth back:

Ugh. His breath must be foul.

While Jason Blood was Vandal's prisoner for several years, Vandal Savage told him all kinds of wacky stories. His favorite story to tell Jason Blood was how when Blood was in Hell and Etrigan was palling around with everyone, Madame Xanadu was constantly throwing herself at him.

Vandal: "Did I tell you the time I woke up in the middle of the night to take a piss and drunkenly wandered back into Xanadu's tent?"
Jason: "Mmmmph! Mmmph hmmmph!"
Vandal: "No? Well there she was, naked as a nymph, her knees pressed firmly to either side of Etrigan's face as his forked demon's tongue spelunked her witch's cave."
Jason: "Mmmmmmmm! Mphhphmmmph!"
Vandal: "What did I do? Well I joined in! You know what I really wanted to try though? I wanted to shove my dick right up Etrigan's ass and then make him say the chant to bring you back! Ha! I would have loved to see the look on your face! I'd have needed a mirror for that, I guess. But you know why I never tried it?"
Jason: "Mmmmm-mmmmm!"
Vandal: "Oh, I'm sure with the proper incentive, Etrigan would have been up for it. No, no. The reason I never tried it was because I was afraid my penis would go to Hell lodged in Etrigan's nether orifice. And being immortal without a penis? No, no. Not worth the risk at all."

Stories like that have made Jason a little bit cynical as to why Madame Xanadu has finally turned up with the other companions. And once they say they need Etrigan, Jason cries like a bitch. He figures it's all true! Madame Xanadu did love Etrigan more!

I hope she did!

Apparently Jason would rather spend some time in Hell than listen to more of Xanadu's protestations, so he says the chant to bring Etrigan back. Is that really wise? Etrigan's been trapped in Hell for years! He's probably not going to want to switch places with Blood any time soon.

Anyway, this is the first thing he does when he returns from Hell:

Ugh. His breath must be foul.

While Jason Blood's reaction to kissing Madame Xanadu was "You just want to fuck Etrigan!", Etrigan's reaction to kissing Madame Xanadu was "Let's fuck in front of everybody!" Gotta say. Etrigan is killing it while Jason Blood is just being a whiny bitch. I bet Glenda, Randu, and Harry all secretly liked Etrigan better as well. I mean, I bet they WILL like him better! I forgot what year it was!

Sir Ystin tells Etrigan about Cain and his cannibal army and Etrigan is actually interested. He's heard about this guy Cain that even Lucifer has no dominion over. I guess Lucifer can't recruit people east of Eden. So it looks like Proto-Stormwatch is together again!

I should take a moment to talk about the new Companion in the group: Brickwedge. Brickwedge is the Horsewoman's new horse partner. He's a stumpy little guy with a big attitude and you can't help but like him because unlike all the other horses, he thinks about more than just carrots and apples. Last issue he was annoyed with the way Exoristos was talking about him and the Horsewoman, so he slyly unbuckled her horse's saddle (with his mouth! Brickwedge doesn't have hands!) so Exoristos fell on her ass when they all took off. He's a cheeky little fella!

This is Brickwedge being disrespected by a bird.

This is Brickwedge continuously bitching about everybody else. I like this horse!

Brickwedge and his horsy companions (plus Ystin's pegasus whose name, not surprising anybody, I've completely forgotten) succeed in getting the moronic humans to the shores across from Themyscira in time to catch Cain's vampire army battling the Amazonian Coast Guard. I hope the Amazons don't suddenly attack Exoristos while ignoring Cain and his army! That would be just like a comic book!

The Amazon's first reaction. Jerks!

They're not even on Themyscira and the Amazons have to point out how Exoristos has been exiled and she's getting awfully close to breaking Amazonian Law! Instead, they should cheer and say, "Yay! Help has arrived in the form of somebody we know is a really terrific fighter because she trained among our people even though after this we probably won't be asking her to tea!" I guess that's an awfully long greeting while a dozen vampires are breathing down your neck.

The Coast Guard teach the companions how to kill vampires. I guess they weren't raised on horror movies and Stephen King and Anne Rice and Buffy and *pains me to say it* Twilight, so they're less familiar with vampires than 21st century two year olds. Plus, you know, it's years before Dracula made being a vampire sexy. Well, sexy if you let him charm you. Not so sexy when he's murdering the fuck out of you and sticking your head on a pole.

Once they learn the method of destroying vampires, the battle quickly comes to an end.

Looks like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea just got a new Header in the queue!

After the battle is over, the Companions discover that this was simply a small band of Cain's army. The rest have already set sail for Themyscira. So it looks like they'll be traveling to Paradise Island. Without the penises and Exoristos, of course. So Etrigan and Sir Ystin will have to remain behind. Of course I'm just speculating due to Themyscira's anti-man policy!

But before they can even find out if they'll be allowed to help the Amazons fight, Etrigan needs to return to Hell to rejuvenate. But he finds Jason Blood unwilling to return.

Oh boy! Here we go! Blood is seriously daring Lucifer to be worse than Vandal Savage? Man. A broken heart can really make a guy say some stupid shit.

And speaking of Vandal!

Yay! Before I wasn't sure who I wanted to win. But now I know! Vandal!

I hope this means Vandal Savage will end up on Themyscira. I want to see him go toe to toe with Queen Hippolyta! Also, Queen Hippolyta is oooooooooolllllllldddddddd!

Demon Knights #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. If the Preboot version of Paradise Island and Queen Hippolyta are anything like the pre-Crisis era Paradise Island, then the Amazons have nothing to fear from Cain and his vampire army. That's because, according to the Who's Who, Aphrodite gave Queen Hippolyta a girdle because she looked fat. I mean, she gave it to her because it was magic and it meant that as long as Hippolyta wore it (or kept it in her footlocker. I wasn't too clear on the details), the Amazons would never be defeated in battle. Also, I guess all of the Amazons remain young and good looking as long as they remain on Paradise Island and despise men.

Batman and Robin #18

Thanks, Grant Morrison. This comic is over.

Last issue, Batman and Robin and Alfred all had a bunch of dreams and nightmares and it was all very exciting. And previously in the Annual, Robin and Batman and Alfred had a big scavenger hunt and Batman learned to love Damian just a little bit more while Damian got to beat the shit out of The Weasel. This issue, Damian is dead. Is this going to be a Weekend at Bernie's thing?

Nope. It wasn't.

*sniff*

Shut up.

Batman and Robin #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. Beautiful.