The New Titans #80 (November 1991)

Look at me with another Collector’s Issue! What a smart investment!

More of that bullshit where people from the future are sent into the past to change the past so that the future never happens. I’d rather a writer just confessed that they didn’t have any good ideas rather than pulling this fucking bullshit.

I mean, this is super exciting time travel stuff! The Teen Titans have been sent back in time to kill Donna Troy before she can give birth to Lord Chaos who will age into a twenty-eight year old despot as soon as he’s born and take over the world! They really don’t want to kill Donna but they can’t think of any other way to defeat Lord Chaos. Don’t they know about abortions in 2001? Oh, um, that was the future when this was published in 1991!

The New Titans #79 (September 1991)

New editor Jonathan Peterson came on board The New Titans around the seventieth issue and was all, “Hey guys! I have this great new direction we can take the Titans!” As he said this, he kicked his copy of X-men with Cable on the cover under the couch. “Get this: time traveling Teen Titans from the future! It’s going to . . . ooooggglllerrrruuuggh.” That’s the sound of somebody coming in their pants. You might not be familiar with it because the sound effect isn’t used often in comic books. “Oh!” he exclaimed while squirming uncomfortably in his now sticky pants, “And the team leader’s name will be Jon! Get it! Like me! Plus we’ll bring back Phoenix from the dead!” After a long argument in which Jonathan kept insisting that he did not say “Phoenix”, everybody realized he meant Terra.

This makes about nine or ten issues without the Teen Titans in it. Okay, Nightwing has been in it a little bit. And Donna Troy just returned to be kidnapped by an unknown person immediately. And Cyborg is back but he’s lost all trace of his humanity and is just a remote controlled robot. It’s all fairly typical of the Slash and Burn tactics of a new editor brought in to revitalize sales.

The Officious Little Toad isn’t wrong.

But the thing is . . . I want him to be wrong. I want Officer Hall to be correct in his assessment that the Titans are heroes and they’re good for the city. It’s just that . . . they’re not. Marv Wolfman fucked up by writing story after story of the Titans being attacked by angry family members or butthurt villains during which large parts of New York were destroyed. I wouldn’t even blame the occasional attack on Titans Tower by a disgruntled second cousin of a member if the Titans occasionally helped the city. But they haven’t. They may have stopped one or two muggers and perhaps a bank robbery. That’s it.

According to Rebirth, Geoff Johns has decided that Watchmen’s grimness ruined the DC Universe because it was a critical success. That’s not Watchmen’s fault. Watchmen was a critical success because it was so fucking well written. Is Alan Moore to blame for DC Comics getting the wrong message and deciding that grimdark was where it was at, no matter how shitty the writing? Was Frank Miller’s Dark Knight to blame for DC deciding to make Batman dour and mostly unlikeable on a personal level? I don’t think so. I think this kind of shit by Marv Wolfman and others is what fucked DC Comics.

I wouldn’t mind a story about a vindictive Councilwoman trying to get the Titans out of the city if the previous stories were about the Titans being heroes. Then I could root for the Titans and high five myself as the Councilwoman got her comeuppance. But I have to agree with the Officious Little Toad and Councilwoman Alderman. The Titans are bad for New York City. If Marv Wolfman wanted to bring real life consequences into the DC Universe of heroes, at least do it in a way where the heroes aren’t so obviously dangerous and destructive. At least when Adrian Veidt destroyed New York City, he was doing it to save the world. The Titans just destroy it every time they have a spat with a relative.

I think this is the first appearance of the Trinity of Sin in a stained glass window in a church in Hollywood!


Captain Hall, proving that he's not smarter than the Officious Little Toad, makes the worst analogy ever.

If I started to tabulate the amount of times Councilwoman Alderman acted heroically to save the city from the Titans, I'm pretty sure she'd rack up a higher Hero Score than the Titans in just a few issues.

The New Titans Annual #6 (1990)

Fifty-four pages to kill Starfire’s Tamaranean husband so that Dick can stop feeling so Goddamned sorry for himself! Getting through those 54 pages wasn’t worth it. Not even for the art. What the fuck were you on when you did your chapter of this, Curt Swan?! I want the time it took to read this back! No, wait. If I’m going to get time back for things I did, I’d rather have the time I spent pining over an unobtainable romantic interest throughout high school!

The New Teen Titans Annual #4 (1988)

I read this a few months ago and it left no impression on me. Some guy uses the Titans’ low self-esteem against them and they almost lose because they all pretty much hate themselves. But I think Dick is all, “I’m banging Starfire! I’m fucking DICK GRAYSON, bitches!” and then he saves the day. That’s probably what happens.

I do remember there are a few panels where Donna Troy’s ass is looking smokin’, brah!

Crime Syndicate! (as seen in Forever Evil)

HISTORY
On Earth-3, a parallel world vibrating on a slightly different plane than the world we know, history had chosen a strange, opposing path. There, it was the American Christopher Columbus who discovered Europe; colonial England that won her freedom from the United States during the Revolutionary War; and actor Abraham Lincoln who shot President John Wilkes Booth [And yet even on Earth-3, they still have a Western bias to important history. So it really isn't very different at all.]. On this strange world of contrary reality, the only super=powered beings were [still white] not heroes, but rather five super-villains who had banded together as the Crime Syndicate of America.

The membership of the Crime Syndicate included Johnny Quick, an arrogant super-speedster who received his powers in an as-yet-undisclosed manner [He was probably doused in lightning when struck by a bolt of chemicals.]; Owlman, a diabolical master planner whose highly advanced mind allowed him to momentarily dominate other minds without their knowledge; Power Ring, who had received a mystical ring of almost limitless power from a mad Buddhist monk named Volthoom; Superwoman, a renegade Amazon who possessed extraordinary super-strength and a magic lasso capable of reshaping itself at its mistress's command into almost anything; and Ultraman, the strongest of them all, who received a new super-power every time he was exposed to Kryptonite.

It was during one such exposure that Ultraman suddenly developed Ultra-vision, which enabled him to peer through the dimensional veil and discover the parallel world then called Earth-1. Fearing they were growing rusty battling the normal forces of their own world, the Crime Syndicate decided to travel to Earth-1 and take on the members of the Justice League of America (see JLA) in an effort to hone their skills. It ultimately required the combined memberships of the Justice League and Justice Society of America (see JSA) to defeat the Syndicators, who were left in a life-sustaining bubble between the dimensions, surrounded by signs in every language designed to warn of those who might attempt to free them.

Despite the warnings, members of the Crime Syndicate were freed from the bubble several times over the years, joining forces with such other criminals as Per Degaton and the Secret Society of Super-Villains (see individual listings).

Even with their awesome array of super-powers, the Syndicators were unable to save their world or themselves from a power that dissolved entire universes, and all perished during the Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Nebiros! (as seen in DC Universe Presents #14-16)

Part 19 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Demon Lord of a nameless hell
Marital Status: Unknown
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: A nameless hell
First Appearance: BLUE DEVIL #1
Height: 12' Length: 25'
Weight: Incalculable [Because nobody can get him on a scale?]
Eyes: Green Hair: None

HISTORY
"Thousands of years ago, a long-since forgotten civilization worshiped their demon-god, Nebiros [So he's not just a demon! He's a god! I think it's an insult to say he rules "a nameless hell". Or is that his own description of his world?]. Their priests breached the void between his dimension and our own, unleashing the monster on the world. They sacrificed captives to him, and in return he led their armies in an attempt to conquer the world.

Eventually Nebiros' empire grew to threaten the other great powers of the day: Mu, Lemuria, and Atlantis. The greatest mages of these realms banded together to defeat Nebiros. They vanquished his armies and banished him to his own dark dimension [Oh, so now it's simply a "dark dimension"?]; forever, they hoped.

But six thousand years later, Nebiros was accidentally freed by Sharon Scott and Wayne Tarrant, friends of Dan Cassidy, during the filming of Blue Devil (see Blue Devil). Cassidy defeated the monster, returning him to his realm, but at terrible cost to himself [If you call having a gigantic blue demon stunt suit with super powers fused to your body a cost!].

Shortly thereafter, Nebiros became freed again, this time threatening Mexico. Once more he was defeated by the Blue Devil, who was aided by Zatanna (see Zatanna).

Now Nebiros broods in his dark realm [Or nameless hell. Or dark dimension.], dreaming of returning to Earth to conquer the world and avenge himself upon the Blue Devil."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Nebiros is an awesomely mighty engine of raw mystic power. His magic is not refined into spells and incantations, but rather is unleashed as pure supernatural chaos.

He is virtually indestructible, possessed of nearly limitless strength and stamina, fast beyond belief, and inhumanly savage.

For a brief period he possessed the Blue Devil's trident, which he altered into a potent conduit to channel and control mystic energy from his dimension, but the Blue Devil eventually regained control of the trident, and Nebiros generally eschews weaponry [He sounds so sophisticated!].

Perhaps Nebiros' only real weakness is his odd, demonic sense of honor [Oh no! Not this bullshit again! Honor is always a person's downfall!]. By his own standards, he is an ethical being, adhering to a code of conduct that, while terrifyingly alien, is also rigorous. He is direct and straightforward, and this makes him peculiarly susceptible to the subterfuges of less honorable entities [and to Daniel Cassidy's bad jokes.]"