The Ravagers #10

Deathstroke? Is Deathstroke what comes next? Wasn't Deathstroke supposed to be coming? What happened to Deathstroke?!

Yep! It's Deathstroke!

I know I should have some profound observation about Deathstork teaming up with Sweatervest but I'm stunned that they spelled Ig Guara's name wrong.

Ha ha! Just kidding! I'm not really stunned at all! This is The Ravagers, after all! Historically, it has been the worst edited comic in DC's 75 years publishing comic books! I haven't actually done the proper research to know if that's true, but my gut is telling me no other comic could possibly have been edited this poorly. And my gut is full of french fries, so it knows what it's talking about.

Look at Harvest being all batlike! He's also acting so Tim Drakey! I'm surprised Deathstroke hasn't figured out who he is already just by the smell of his body odor and the way he shifts his weight and the name on the contract I'm sure they both signed or else Deathstroke wouldn't have taken on this assignment. Free killing is the worst.

Of course he'll stick to the deal, Slade. Because you signed a contract. Right? Tell me you signed a contract! He's a super villain! Of course he's going to try to screw you! At least you have the contract so you can sue his ass. Right?

I'm pretty sure Deathstroke isn't interested in money on this mission because he wants access to Rose Wilson. Does he know she's his daughter? Is she the native girl from Eclipso Island? Or is she just some psycho that took Slade's name and Slade simply wants to know why? Maybe it's his granddaughter!

Speaking of Slade's relatives, what the fuck happened to Jericho? Liefeld had a fucking major boner over bringing Jericho and Adeline back and then they both disappeared with Liefeld! I hope everyone just forgets that version of them (along with Jericho's henchman, Miscarriage Man).

Harvest has already sent out his Butcher Bots to kill Warblade and Rose for their ineptitude. If that happens and Deathstroke signed a contract to kill The Ravagers so that he can have access to Rose Wilson, he's got a potential lawsuit on his hands. I hope the final issue of Deathstroke takes place in Judge Judy's court with Harvest guest starring as the Defendant.

Meanwhile back at The Chief's non-Doom Patrol safe house, The Ravagers are bonding over not having to speak any more Howard Mackie dialogue.

Here they revel in some good Tony Bedard conversation. Blue Beetle died so The Ravagers could suck way less. Well, he didn't actually die. I mean, Ted Kord died but that was in the Preboot and now I'm sad because I brought up Ted's death. Thanks a lot, readers!

While everybody is joking around about their most embarrassing moments like how Caitlin fucked Niles and how Beast Boy sprayed butt juice on a Ravager and how Thunder's sister disappeared into Brother Blood's portal, Ridge begins to exhibit Hulk-like behaviors. Or should I say Banner-like behaviors? Ridge doesn't hulk out when he's angry but when he doesn't feel safe. And now that everybody is having a good time and nobody is trying to kill them, Ridge reverts back to his human form.

I guess Beast Boy can stop being jealous of him now.

Back in Hartsville, Warblade and Rose defeat the Butcher Bots and realize they need to capture the Ravagers and bring them back to Harvest or else Harvest is going to keep trying to kill them. Maybe they should just join the Ravagers and help defeat Harvest! That's such a dumb idea that might just happen! Damian Wayne was a psychotic monster and he learned how to love. Maybe Warblade can too!

Meanwhile more of this disgusting shit is going on:

Dude! How many times am I going to have to see Beast Boy get his heart broken by Terra?! Hasn't he been through enough already! She's going to betray him!

Now I'm wondering if Geoforce is out there ruling over Markovia!

While Beast Boy and Terra suck face in a children's toy store, Niles Caulder is busy bringing Lightning back to life. How did he do it? Did he use Waller's Samsara project? A Lazarus Pit? Whatever Basilisk uses to bring back their corpses? Nanobots? Cloning? Black Magic? No, he just used technobabble! I mean, science!

I bet Batman still has one of Damian's stool samples! I bet Caulder can resurrect Damian from that!

After a big day of nobody trying to kill them (day's not over yet!), everybody tries to go to bed happy so that nothing horrible can crop up unexpectedly. Too bad Little Boy Ridge decides to get up for a midnight snack. As he's grabbing food, he remembers that his mother was pregnant when N.O.W.H.E.R.E. kidnapped him. So there's a Little Toddler Ridge out there somewhere as well! Too bad Little Boy Ridge will never get to meet him. Remember last commentary when I said, "If only Ridge’s skeleton were shown, I’d be willing to believe the cover."

I knew he was disposable!

The Ravagers #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ridge being stabbed in the back by Deathstroke and erupting into flames doesn't actually mean he's dead. You see, a stipulation in the contract was that Deathstroke use "the Abeo Blade" to kill The Ravagers. I have a feeling the Abeo Blade somehow captures a person when they're stabbed by it. Kind of like a really sharp Pokeball.

Why was this issue called "Women and Children First"? Is it because that's the order in which Deathstroke likes to kill people? What a dick!

I also think the cover was intended for whatever storyline Howard Mackie had in line before he left the title. Because that shit don't make sense!

Legion Lost #15

I have no idea what is going on in this picture because boobs.

This issue might be Wildfire's last appearance ever in The New 52 but I have a feeling he's going to be overshadowed by Dawnstar's Boobs. Literally! I guess I'm being insensitive since Dawnstar and Wildfire have been in a long, loving relationship. Although Dawnstar has been showing interest in Timber Wolf because penis.

But none of that relationship stuff is important right now! The fate of everyone in the one timeline that Nathaniel Adym cares about (his own!) is about to be destroyed by The Cosmic Butcher! What I want to see is someone from the future of the timeline where Nathaniel Adym is killed come back in time to save his timeline by making sure Nathaniel Adym dies! And then someone else from the future will show up because her timeline is in jeopardy and can only be saved if the guy who wants Nathaniel Adym dead is successful and then has sex with her so she can have a child in the past that will rise up against the evil Japanese toilet overlords of her future. Seriously, Nathaniel Adym, stop being so selfish! If there can only be one timeline, why are you so insistent that it's yours? It obviously will be yours no matter what you do since you're here. Except Tom DeFalco doesn't understand anything that doesn't come in a Pop Tarts Box.

Is anyone surprised at the way this comic began?

At least he's using an omniscient third person narrator. I suppose he wouldn't know what to do once it came time to focus on another character.

Tom DeFalco: "Should Timber Wolf narrate what he thinks the other guy is thinking? Should he narrate what he thinks the other guy thinks that Timber Wolf thinks he's thinking? I've seen Scott Lobdell do it with Roy Harper. Gosh, he's such a good writer. He has such amazing control over the story and narration. I should have never hired him! He's so much better than I am. But at least I'm still better than Grant Morrison and Scott Snyder. How does anyone understand what's going on in those comics without the constant use of Narration Boxes? Fools!"

The thing I thought was some city emerging from the Earth last issue turns out to be a World Killer Machine Bot. Perhaps it is The Cosmic Butcher built from raw materials yanked from the Earth by Daggor and his pet dragon. Unless Daggor is the dragon's pet. That was awful humanoid-centric of me. Captain Adym and Tyroc and Harvest and Timber Wolf and whoever else is there (some Ravagers, I think? Superboy?) begins tossing ideas around on how to destroy it. Tyroc tries yelling at it but it must be stronger than a mountain range because he can't defeat it. Timber Wolf scratches it and talks tough. That doesn't work. Captain Adym points out that this shouldn't be happening which doesn't convince the World Killer to give up. But then Gates comes through with a plan of his own!

Run away!

What Gates is trying to say here is, "Get Batman!" That's a pretty good plan. I've seen it work time and time again. Except he's a bit busy with his party. And Superman is a bit busy with H'el on Earth. And Wonder Woman is on a big date with Batwoman. Green Lantern is dead. The Flash is fighting Gorillas. I guess Aquaman and Cyborg aren't all that busy? No? Don't bother? Okay then! Legion is going to have to deal with this themselves!

I guess after Daggor and Thrax started the World Killer Machine's autobuild program, they took off for another planet. I think Daggor was simply there to determine if Earth was a good candidate to be unterraformed so that the Cosmic Butcher could turn it into a vacation home. Once they set up the World Killer, there work was done. I'm speculating on this because Wildfire and Psykill decide to go after Daggor and Thrax and have to fly to another solar system to defeat him.

I think everyone on Earth would appreciate their help with that fight since the World Killer is the immediate threat. But what do I know? I'm not a superhero.

Meanwhile, Superboy has lost his mind to Harvest's programming and his personality has improved measurably.

The uber-violence is so much more palatable than the existential dread he was constantly whinging on about.

Daggor's mechanical droids continue to attack while the World Killer continues to build itself while the heroes continue to randomly bump into each other for short conversations while not actually doing a whole lot. In one of these conversations, Warblade tells Ridge he's welcome to come home if he does a small favor for Harvest. Then the editor tells me to see future issues of The Ravagers for more information as if I have 24 hour access to a time machine. Hmm. I guess if I had any access to a time machine it would be 24 hour access. Because if I needed it right now but didn't have access to it, I would just wait until I had access to it and visit myself when I needed it and then I'd have access to it! Twenty four hour access.

I believe Ridge will not take up Warblade's offer (whatever it is) because he hates Harvest so much. But maybe the offer will be to betray Beast Boy which would get Beast Boy out of the picture so that Ridge could have Terra all to himself? Okay, he might do that! And since Harvest hates Beast Boy because he's the only person to ever thwart one of Harvest's plans, that really could be the possibility!
And then Daggor destroys Wildfire. Or at least rips his containment suit.

And apparently everyone in Arizona can simply look up and see the explosion in whatever solar system those planets and moon represent.

While Wildfire may have blown up in a double page spread, I doubt he's dead. Even if he doesn't return before this comic book ends its run, he's still easily alive. He's simply energy and the suit contains his energy. The explosion may confuse and dissipate him for awhile, but he'll be okay.

More importantly than Wildfire's pseudo-death, Daggor finishes one speech bubble in the other solar system and then instantly returns to Arizona.

I guess this makes sense since Legion Lost #13 established that his speed was 31,558,464,000 times faster than light.

Although his arrival does not explain how Wildfire's mask ended up in Dawnstar's hand so she could cry over it, Yorick style. I probably should have said Hamlet style but I wanted to type "Yorick."

Apparently the battle between Daggor and Wildfire happened in the sky above them and all those incorrectly drawn planets were some kind of visual metaphor. The comic book didn't say anything to make me think that. That's just me imposing my own beliefs on reality so that this comic book doesn't drive me insane. And it's working really hard to do just that, especially in this next panel where I think DeFalco just said, "Fuck it. This title is over anyway."

Did DeFalco and Lobdell obtain some sort of free pass to ignore Flashpoint?

Captain Adym has already broken the no time travel rule once to get into this comic book. Now he's going to try to break the rule again and change the timeline? But what about all the people living in the timeline where the World Killer begins to build itself? You're killing them all, you monster!

The other Legion members reject Captain Adym's stupid plan as well but for less logical reasons than mine. They're afraid his stunt will kill millions of Americans in the explosion and they won't be a part of that. But there's one person left who doesn't mind!

Yay! Last stand! I'm so excited!

Harvest once again knocks everyone out with one single blast. Except for Gates who is off considering skinning out of there and doing it to Captain Adym's time bubble. Of course he won't! He'll somehow come back to save the day. And by saving the day, it will look like Legion Lost died but they will really just end up back in the future because Tom DeFalco and his editors don't give five fucks about Flashpoint and the whole fucking reason behind this Reboot.

Legion Lost #15 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't think anything actually happened in this issue with the excepting of Wildfire exploding. Everything else is exactly where it was at the end of Issue #14. And what was up with Lord Daggor and Wildfire fighting amongst a couple of strange planets but still being in the skies of Arizona?

Superboy #9

Let me guess: Warblade is immune to telekinesis.

I don't really want to read Superboy next but I figured I'd finish up The Culling while it's still fresh in my mind. Then I can immediately let it drip out the back of my skull while I continue on in ignorant bliss of this crap ever having existed.

Here's the main problem with The Culling: it's about killing off super heroes but I feel pretty confident that no super heroes are going to die (except for Skitter because she's fucking useless). The tension inherent in this plot exists only if the characters have the possibility of dying. And they just don't. At least in Battle Royale and The Hunger Games, you know just about everyone is going to die. The excitement, fear, terror, and worry all stem from the voyeurism of a gory, grisly event and from learning about (and liking!) the characters that you know are about to meet their end. And the hope that your favorite will somehow make it through and survive. But even if I had been told only one character could survive, I wouldn't really care! Besides, it would be Red Robin, totes.
The Culling! Could a worse name have been thought up by the creative team? How about The Brawl? Or The Beating Up? Because nobody besides Artemis is going to die! And she was introduced in the same issue she was killed in.

And where are the Young and Twisted and Full of Cum couple that were sent to the Colony a few issues ago? Maybe they'll make an appearance in Superboy's Issue of The Culling which I'm reading right now!

Here's Superboy to catch us up:

Let me guess: I'd be wrong, right?

I'd have another think coming, wouldn't I?!

Look at that panel above. It's supposed to be a dynamic pose where the characters are all ready to defend themselves against The Ravagers. But everyone is so stiff and awkward! Red Robin and Tyroc are looking toward the cameras waiting for the director to give them some direction. And Superboy looks like he's pop-locking toward them. I think Timber Wolf just snarled, "Bah!" and waved his arm at The Ravagers in elementary school disgust. Chameleon Girl and Lightning are doing whatever the hell Superboy is doing. And Cassie is either sliding on a newly waxed floor or getting ready to fucking Crane Style these bitches. But they can be forgiven for not looking worried because The Ravagers are even more lackadaisical.

Hey! If you fill half of the panel with smoke, you only have to draw half of each person! Unless, you know, Rose Wilson decides to float on top of it.

Look at these assholes! I'm not even scared and I'm a veggie pacifist non-meta human! Although I'm also three dimensional, so I've got that going for me. But look at Rose, Omen, Captain Eyepatch, and Psykill, the big iron giant! More people looking at some action behind the camera. Or artist. Maybe R.B. Silva owns a fucking parrot or something and it's sitting on his shoulder squawking away and distracting the characters. And Miss Belief just looks curious. I also don't remember most of their names. I remember most of them were dumb though.

That's the title? SRSLY? Was Warblade an aide in a legal firm? Or am I supposed to just think of this as an acceptable pun because he has claws and claws rhymes with cause?

After reading this title, I decided to see if there had ever been a movie named Santa Claws. And there was! Take a look at Duke's synopsis of the movie. Go ahead. I'll wait.

So the movie is about a guy who catches his mom fucking a guy dressed like Tim Allen? Fuck, I'd shoot that mother fucker too! Was he grunting as he was giving it to her? "To the uterus! And beyond!" Damn, that's worse than Lost Claws! Now I'm sad.

Back to the action, we never get to find out what Warblade's word was because Superboy blasts him with a telekinetic super blast.

That's clearly what's happening, right? See his hand still there? And a blast shooting out?

Except he doesn't shoot him with a blast. Superboy blasts into Warblade and carries him off somewhere. I guess maybe that happened in-between panels because the very next panel, Red Robin is commanding Solstice to go after Superboy. You know who I'd send after him? The Flash, you dumb twat! Tyroc suggests Dawnstar go because she's an awesome 31st Century tracker and she can find footprints in lava way better than the rest of the people here. Or she can smell his Super Sweat on the air to track him down.

While Red Robin and Tyroc discuss who gets to chase Superboy, the rest of the characters have a dance party.

Gates is dancing to Thriller.

The page after this one is an advertisement for the television show American Ninja Warrior. And I really hate the ads for this show because they're made to look like a comic book. It's distracting. Also, Wonder Woman wants you to defile her. Oh, pretty please?

When did the official uniform for the Amazons become a belly shirt tank top?

Also, the competitor's hand is all thumbs. And he's going to grab Batman's crotch.

Back to the comic, Superboy did slam into Warblade and carried him more than a mile away and drops them both in a lake of lava.

These two just went off to have their own dance party!

Superboy is disappointed that Warblade doesn't melt and claims Warblade must be made of something more durable than metal. Which metal? All metals?! Or maybe he's just made of something with a much higher melting point than "metal." Maybe he's made out of "rock." Or "liquid." Or "candy".

Geez. This fight is epically bad. Amazingly horrible! It's awesomely terrible! It's literally shit. Okay, maybe it's figuratively shit. But it's literally shit in the way that it's not but it's so super bad that I need to really emphasize my point so I use the word literally uncorrectly and every-one looses all've there ability 2 conversate 4 ever moore!!!! LOL!

Oh God. My brain just exploded a little bit. But that sentence didn't hurt it as much as the following actual quotes from Superboy #9:

Red Robin: "These wings are pure Inertron. You'll find them rather resistant to harm. In fact, they're almost as tough and resilient as I am!"

Red Robin: "How you doing, Wonder Girl?"
Cassie (not fucking Wonder Girl, asshole! But she lets this one slide) Sandstrom: "A lot better than Miss Belief!" (I should probably clarify here that her name is misbelief but I'm going to always and forever call her Miss Belief)

Warclaw Warblade: "No, Red Robin. The only way this ends is in a pool of blood. Yours."

Warblade: "Trying to take out the opposition's leader shows real battle smarts. I'm almost impressed."
Superboy: "I almost care."

Timber Wolf: "Have you been fighting another man behind my back? I thought we had an understanding, Rose."
Rose Wilson: "Timber Wolf! I've been hoping we'd get another chance to dance. I would love to introduce your spleen to my sword."

Wait wait wait. Hold up. Is that proper dance etiquette? "MADAME SWORD, PLEASED TO MEET MASTER SPLEEN!" Squish! I would suggest Rose introduce her sword to an organ that Timber Wolf actually needs to continue living. Also, I fucking told you they were dancing, didn't I?

While I got caught up in all of the horrible dialogue, I forgot to mention that Red Robin was rescued by Flash when Rose was about to stab him in the face with her sword. I forgot to mention it even though it was storyboarded so horribly that she never should have had the chance to get the drop on him. They were distracted from their fight by Ridge being thrown to the ground in-between them. This caused them both to fly backwards from the shockwave. But the very next panel, Red Robin is on his back and Rose is standing over him ready to lobotomize him. She misses because The Flash rescues him.

Ooh la la! What is the nick slang for in the 31st Century? Oh! Um, I'll just stick this here. In the Annual, Timber Wolf smelled that Flash was from the future. Well, Kid Flash ran by and Timber Wolf sniffed so I'm pretty sure that's what they were getting at.

Back to the Superboy versus Warblade part of the comic book, Superboy can't use his telekinesis on Warblade and he can't melt Warblade with lava. So he tries to force semen into Warblade's lungs. Um, excuse me. How exactly are you going to get it past Warblade's helmet?

Gah! Superboy! Enough with the cumshots, dude.

Even the facial doesn't stop Warblade. It seems like nothing can stop him! But then Dawnstar grabs him by the armpits and flies him up over a lake of lava and drops him in. He never struggles once or tries to slash her or headbutt her or anything. It's almost as if he's suddenly being written less powerfully! Weird! Or maybe it's Dawnstar's boob window that mesmerizes him and takes the fight out of him.

Besides, dropping him in lava is already proven not to work. Maybe Dawnstar could defeat him if she had a vagina as powerful as Dove's.

Then while Kid Flash is zipping about looking for Skitters, a mysterious figure seems to recognize him. The mysterious figure (Timber Wolf) also uses a thought bubble! Gadzooks!

Normally I wouldn't guess Timber Wolf because he's supposed to be fighting Rose Wilson. But when has any panel in a Scott Lobdell comic followed any other panel logically or consistently?

It is Timber Wolf because later he jumps out and tackles Kid Flash while Kid Flash is running at super speed. Like I said, nothing is logical or consistent. Did Timber Wolf and Rose ever even fight? Or did he just distract her with his witty comment and then they parted ways once Red Robin crept away? Whatever happened, he's here now and Rose Wilson must have moved on to fight someone else. Maybe he ate her. I don't know. He threatens Kid Flash, calling him a monster and accusing him of being the cause for much death and suffering. But Tellus the Fish Psychic gives Timber Wolf an aneurysm so he doesn't end up revealing what Kid Flash did in the future. Maybe Tellus's big secret has something to do with Kid Flash?

And yet another fucking miserably done page right here with a brief cameo from the stretchy guy from Issues #3 and #4 (the Superboy Cumshot cover!) Here's the full page:

The dialogue doesn't matter here. What matters is the writer and artist's awareness of space and time. Panel 1: Superboy pummeling Warblade in front of him. Panel 2: Superboy is stopped and turns to Stretchy McStrectharmstrong who is about six feet away. Panel 3: A small amount of time elapses as Superboy turns his back on Warblade. See? Superboy's arm travels about a foot and a half to release Stretchy's grip on him. Panel 4: Stretchy is stabbed in the back by, you guessed it, Warblade! So Warblade can either teleport or burrow through snow super duper fast.

And after all of that, the lava and the beating and the facial, with Warblade barely showing any sign of slowing down, he's knocked out in one panel when Dawnstar throws a rock into his head. Someone might argue that he was already pretty beat up by Superboy at that point but it's not like someone with strength or super speed or super human throwing abilities threw the rock. It was Dawnstar who threw it! And it cracked the green glass in his eye helmet she threw it so hard! So she can throw a rock with more force than fifty thousand punches from Superboy. Fuck you, Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco!

Superboy and Dawnstar return to the others to find them victorious over the Ravagers. Um. Yay?

Why oh why does R.B. Silva draw women that look like male rock stars from the 80s? Actually, every member of Poison looked more feminine than Wonder Girl looks here.

And then Harvest appears and says, "Ha ha ha! My plan was to get you to fight each other so that you would become tired out so that the rest of The Colony would kill you but I knew you wouldn't fight and you'd save them and then my Ravagers would come to kill you themselves! But my plan counted on you defeating them as well because I wanted you to feel hope before I crushed you myself! Ah ha ha! And you fell for it!" Oh, fuck this.

Superboy #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm curious as to the age of the reader that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco are writing to. I admit I'm probably way past the age of the target audience for some of these comic books. But even if you're writing to younger folks, start with the premise that they're fucking intelligent and they deserve the respect of a well-told story.

Since I don't know if people actually like Superboy much, I'll discuss Lobdell on his Red Hood title. I've been genuinely surprised by the fandom out there for Jason Todd and Red Hood and the Outlaws. But that's mainly because I haven't been around comics for awhile and Jason Todd came back while I wasn't paying attention. It looks like a lot of people like his sort of Batman with Killing attitude. But I was reading the book based on the writing and Pee-Yew! Lobdell just seems to think that the panels bear no relation to the other panels. He can rewrite the story from scene to scene and it's just fine for him. And the fans accept it and sort of look away because they're just happy to read a Red Hood and the Outlaws story. Well, DC, I see how you treat your fans. You just dish out the swill and expect them to gather round the trough. It's a pretty sad state of affairs but it also makes me even more determined to continue to read your New 52 and point out every miserably stupid panel. That should be the name of my blog: Every Miserable Stupid Last Panel.

P.S. I just watched a video of Scott Lobdell answering questions and snooze.

P.P.S. I know I was pretty hard on Scott Lobdell. Feel free to replace his name with Tom DeFalco if DeFalco was the main reason this comic was put together so poorly. Also, in Lobdell's defense, the last issue of Red Hood and the Outlaws was actually pretty good and made a lot of sense.