Nightwing #17

Please no more Bat Crossovers for at least another year.

Even though this doesn't have a Death of the Family tag across the front of the comic book, it probably has more to do with Death of the Family than some of the tagged comic books. This one begins close enough after the aftermath of The Joker's little party that Dick Grayson is still beat to shit and needs tea and butlering.

Yeah, well thanks to Nightwing's close association with Haly's Circus, the Joker pretty much nailed it.

Alfred asks Dick if he feels all right. He says, "Yep!" Commissioner Gordon asks Dick if he's okay. He says, "I'm cool!" One of the members of Haly's Circus (everyone lived except James the Joker Clown and Raya the Nightwing Love Interest Slash Assassin) tells Dick to shut up and listen and informs him that everybody in Haly's Circus is getting the fuck out of Gotham the instant they all heal from the Joker's poison. Christina the girl Dick lied to about everyone being safe asks Dick if he's okay. Dick says, "Why wouldn't I be? Dick Grayson is o-kay!" Lucius Fox tells Dick he's lost everything and asks if he'll be okay. Dick says, "Fine and dandy!" Sonia Branch asks Dick if they can fuck later. Dick says, "I'll be all over that later!" Barbara Gordon tells Richard it's all going to be okay. And Dick says, "Will everybody just get off my fucking back already?!"

Every time Nightwing lies to somebody about how he's feeling, Robin is hanging out in the shadows watching.

Robin can tell when somebody is lying to everyone so that he can fucking kill some scumbags later. It's pretty much all he did in his eighth year.

So later after Nightwing shakes all the people who are making slight overtures towards him, he descends on some mystery men digging up something in the ruins of Amusement Mile. Robin shows up in time to keep Dick from killing anybody. But Dick never investigates what they were looking for. Instead he decides to Parkour around Gotham with Damian for a bit.

I was hoping his advice would be more along the lines of "I hear doing it with girls makes you feel better. Right? Does it? You know when you do that thing to girls that we both know you do? You know what I mean, right? Describe it for me and I'll tell you if that was what I was thinking."

So Damian decides he wants to hang out with Dick more often. Probably because everyone is avoiding Bruce right now. And Damian secretly looks up to Grayson. It must be secret since Damian is always such a jerk around him. Kind of.

After Nightwing feels better because Robin reminded him that The Joker is a fucking lunatic, they plan a video game date for the next week and go their separate ways. And in some other part of town, some guy named The Dealer is receiving one of the items dug up at Amusement Mile. It's a Flying Grayson's suit with a Joker face spray painted on it. The Dealer apparently deals in items from recent catastrophes. He must make a fucking fortune in Gotham.

Nightwing #17 Rating: No change. The art in this issue was a bit weird but passable for comic book art. The only thing I wish had been different about the story is more dialogue between Nightwing and Robin. Most of the dialogue with other characters was unemotional and flat, simply there to update the reader on all the shit going on in Dick's life. And to make Barbara Gordon appear a bit snarky and jealous. Between the DeFalco appearance and this one, she's not looking too good in this title! Although maybe she has a right to feel a bit jealous but to let it show at a funeral? Come on, Babs! Have some class, you sexy tomato goblin! Anyway, the dialogue! Yeah, I wish there had been more than two pages with Dick and Damian. And I wish Damian sounded more like a ten year old kid and less like a wise little Alfred. All in all, it was mediocre!

Vibe #1

Vibe should be thanked for helping kill the Silver/Bronze Age run of Justice League of America so that Giffen and DeMatteis could bring about the best Justice League of America ever. You heard me, Grant Morrison! Feck off! Keith and J.M. did it better!

I suspect the interior of the comic book will explain why Vibe is such an unlikely hero. Is he perhaps a juvenile delinquent that hates authority? Perhaps he's a brain dead kid in a coma? Maybe he's a NAMBLA member with a love of justice and young boys? Perhaps he's a porn star known as Fingers McBang? It could just be that what the cover is really saying with a sly wink and elbow nudge to the comic book audience is that this is "The Unlikeliest Comic Book." It's almost as if Geoff Johns and Dan Didio and whoever else is in charge at DC are running DC by accepting dares. Nobody has been clamoring for Vibe to star in his own series. I'm almost certain everyone was fine with his body decaying wherever Martian Manhunter shoved it after his death in Justice League of America #258.

After he succeeded at making Aquaman appear to be less lame than he actually is, Geoff Johns decided he needed an even greater challenge. He dug through 25 cent comic boxes at conventions and scoured the internet to find the character most reviled by fans and George Pérez! But I'm sure before even beginning his search, he was aware of who he would pick It had to be a member of the worst incarnation of Justice League of America ever put together. Gypsy. Vixen. Steel. Vibe. The team was basically Martian Manhunter's last hope of keeping the "family" together (although now that I list the names of the characters in that JLA incarnation, they seem the perfect mix of heroes to represent Americans. A gypsy. A vixen. Steel which can be read both as the building blocks of skyscrapers and getting pick-pocketed while visiting those skyscrapers. Martian Manhunter which kind of sounds like a pseudonym for anti-immigrant xenophobes). Geoff Johns probably flipped a coin and Gypsy lost her chance at her own title. At least until another wave or two when Geoff Johns has handed the reins of Vibe over to somebody else and he moves on to his next challenge.

I'm actually interested in a Gypsy comic book. More often than not, my hyperbole tends to betray my actual feelings.

Enough blather. Time to find out why Vibe is such a fucking unlikely hero!

This is Vibe five years ago before he was Vibe and he was just plain old Cisco who must be thirteen years old or so even though he's probably malnourished because he lives in poverty in Detroit which is why he looks eight.

Get it? He's full of potential! Energy! Like a gigantic vibrator!

Immediately after his eldest brother tells him this and his other older brother explains how he's going to be a super villain later (especially since he's already got a cool Super Villain name: Dante!), one of Darkseid's Boom Tubes opens up right on Cisco's face.

A lesser commenter than me might make a "Taste the Painbow" joke right here, but not me. I'm above stupid shit like that. I'm more of the "Darkseid just Boom Tubed straight in that kid's mouth" kind of guy.

It turns out getting Boom Tubed in the face gives you super Vibratory powers. Fuck, why not? Why not make every aspect of this secret origin porn-related? Vibe already sounds like some kind of sexual lubricant.

Cisco's eldest brother, Armando, is killed by a Parademon as he pulls Cisco free. But even more evidence stacks up that Dante is going to be a super villain as he backs away, more concerned with his own life than his brother's. And then the story moves five years into the future to drop it a year behind all of the other comic book titles! Have Johns and Kreisberg forgotten that a year and a half has passed since all of the other comic books began? Or am I supposed to believe that comics don't actually move through time much? Perhaps one year in real time is two months in comic book time?

So five years later, Cisco has not gone to college like Armando told him he should. Instead he's working at a Comic Book Version of Best Buy or Fry's Electronics. That does make him a pretty unlikely hero! As Vibe, is he going to go up to random people on the streets and ask, "Have you been helped?" Dante stops by to visit Cisco and beg for money because Dante is a soccer playing bum that has yet to figure out how to be successful at super villainry. Although as soon as he realizes his Super Villain name should be Purgatorio, he'll jump right in! Oh! Maybe Inferno would be even better!

Currently Dante's way to make money is to borrow it from Cisco's college fund or to talk Cisco into gambling his college fund and then borrowing from the winnings. But I guess there aren't too many games of chance where vibrating helps you cheat. Unless Vibe is so good at controlling his vibrations he can get the roulette ball to drop in any number he wants. He'd probably have better luck jumping the other winners at the casino as they headed to their cars.

More Super Villain Origin stuff.

I don't think Cisco realizes he has powers yet although he shows up as a blur in cameras and film. Am I supposed to believe that Cisco has no friends with camera phones? Or does Cisco and his friends just laugh at how he's always fucking up their photos because he's so jumpy? Someone close to Cisco should have noticed by now since Amanda Waller has! She's now hunting him because Waller apparently runs every super hero organization in the DC Universe.

Agent Dale Gunn of ARGUS drives up in a couple of humvees and a compact car all covered in ARGUS symbols. I'm not sure what the ARGUS symbol is supposed to represent. A backwards looking bloodshot eye [It's actually shown clearer later. It looks like a forward looking bloodshot eye shooting needles out of it!]? Anyway, this Dale Gunn convinces Cisco to hop in his government kidnap wagon with him by mentioning Armando. Well, that was fucking too easy. Stupid kid.

Let this be a lesson, children! Do not get into a car with a stranger! Especially if that stranger mentions he's a member of a Government Agency! Especially if you're a minority! I'd rather take my chances with a serial killer because at least people would believe you when you tell them he tried to kill you! But just try to tell everyone that a Government Agent tried to touch your Hispanic privates! They'll roll their eyes right off their fucking faces.

ARGUS gives Cisco some information that apparently Cisco didn't know as well. They have pictures of a blurry person defending a woman at an ATM. Cisco might not have known that he was exhibiting strange powers when he kicked the thugs asses. Or maybe he did know. He could just be acting coy around the government agents. Whichever might be the case, ARGUS wants his help.

So Apokoliptian farts give Vibe a headache? Is that what I just read?

Inside the house is a Parademon. Agent Gunn says it's the one that killed Armando. But Agent Gunn works for Amanda Waller and Amanda Waller wouldn't tell the truth unless the lie she told was a paradox that actually made the lie true. It's possible Waller had this Parademon set free to get Vibe to learn to use his powers. Or it could be this Parademon truly has been roaming the streets eating homeless people for five years like Agent Gunn says. The Agent also mentions they've "been tracking it since it first came here." So you knew it was eating homeless people and you just let it fucking roam free? Who's the real monster here?

Cisco takes the bait, learns to control his vibratory powers, and kills the Parademon. Actually Cisco just punches it with a Vibro-Jab, but the Parademon is pulled apart because he's knocked in-between his "vibrational dimension" and Earth's. Hopefully that doesn't happen every time Vibe punches somebody since Vibe is caught somewhere between those two dimensions. If he punches an Earthling, will he infect the Earthling with Apokolips Vibrations and tear them apart as well?

Aha. So that's what happened to Detroit.

Vibe agrees to be trained by ARGUS and become a member of the Justice League of America. Of course none of the members of the Justice League of America have any idea what Waller wants them to do because she's a big liar, remember?

Waller should try telling the truth sometime. How effective is lying when everyone knows everything out of your mouth is a lie?

But now the readers know why the Justice League of America exists because of the ending of this comic book! Waller needs a team to defend her and one of her current projects from Darkseid since Waller knows he'll be back.

To rescue his daughter, Upside Down Horseshoe Girl!

My favorite part of this comic book was when it was revealed that inside the Detroit Branch of ARGUS, Amanda Waller has a shitload of metas in captivity because they refused to work with her. And it's not like she put people in cells who simply exhibited superpowers and didn't want to be a part of her League. These are metas that already have names and costumes! And I think a bunch of them are also some of those "creatures" that came from other dimensions. Like some captive from Qward. Or Pariah.

Why did Pariah appear? What great evil is going to befall the DCnU that he would be drawn to it? And then Amanda Waller captured him and put him in a tube, so now how is he going to lead everyone to the evil?!

There's also some guy with a sword by the name of Something-orman. And a woman Cyber-something. And some cereal mascot named Krakkle. And a hand pressed up against the glass of one cell that looks like Plasmus. And the last one that holds a captive waiting for her chance at a monthly title!

Geoff Johns next pet project.

Vibe #1 Rating: Like Threshold, I'll start Vibe off at 26 and let it rise or fall from here on out. So far, I liked it. I don't know how much I like the idea of the superhero Vibe but I thought Cisco was a decent enough character. I'm not sure why he's so unlikely though. He seems like any fair-minded, good-natured person that gets soaked in Boom Tube Juice and ends up with magical powers.

New Guardians #17

I get it! Volthoom was the only other person to ever harness the entire Lantern Spectrum!

If Kyle Raynor can keep it together and use his Rainbow Powers, he should be able to battle Volthoom across all of reality. Volthoom has pretty much shown powers equaling those of a 5th Dimensional creature like Mr. Mxyzptlk. And I think Raynor is headed that way.

Just as an aside, I met Aaron Kuder at the Portland Comic Con last Saturday and he did a little sketch for me in my Big Book of New 52 First Issues. Super nice guy!

I love this little Kyle. I'm going to feel like a huge jerk the next time I criticize his art!

The Third Army Crossover ended when The Guardians used too much of the First Lantern's power, allowing him to escape his prison. Once he escaped, he took back all of his power and the Third Army disintegrated in an instant. Volthoom trapped the Guardians in a gigantic bubble and sent the other Green Lanterns home. The only ones he didn't send home were B'dg and Simon Baz because they had opened the Book of the Black and ended up in Volthoom's original prison with Black Hand. Now Volthoom is sucking off the emotions from the important Green Lanterns (you know? The human ones!) so that he can regain his power and bend reality to his whim. Right now, he's confronting Kyle Rayner, his emotionally spectrumed equal.

Volthoom is a fucking pervert.

Volthoom does the same thing to Kyle that he did to Guy in Green Lantern Corps #17. He sifts through a bunch of memories to change them and see how Kyle reacts. I expect a woman in a refrigerator scene in my future.

But if Volthoom keeps this from happening then Gail Simone will probably never end up writing for DC!

Volthoom gives Kyle a taste of his life if Alex had never ended up next to the cold cuts. The memory is of Alex walking out on Kyle as they're breaking up even though Kyle gave up the Green Lantern ring to be with her. But Kyle doesn't fucking care because he remembers everything and is just super happy that Alex is alive again and he can hug her and try to make things work. And then he realizes he can do more than simply remember his previous reality.

Once this whole mess is over, will Kyle remember this moment and duplicate it himself once he realizes he has the same powers as Volthoom?

Since removing Alex from the refrigerator didn't work out so well for Volthoom, he decides to change Kyle's earlier life so he never even meets Alex. He has Kyle living with his dad instead of having his dad leave him alone with his mother. But Kyle still retains the memory of Alex and everything that has just recently happened with Volthoom. I think Volthoom should just give up on this Green Lantern and go after some easier emotions. That fucking John Stewart is a basket-case! He could probably power up on John alone for centuries! The only thing Volthoom is doing for Kyle is giving him resolution to various traumatic moments in his life! Volthoom is the best psychiatrist I've ever seen!

It's like Captain Picard getting a whole second life in The Next Generation. Now Kyle has good memories of a few more moments with Alex and memories of how he and his dad lived together and got along. Volthoom is the worst villain ever. I wonder if Kyle will remember how to fix cars after this is all said and done?

The next reality Kyle is granted is a world where the Sinestro Corps won. A lot of people are dead but Guy Gardner is still around being a gigantic dick. He blames Kyle for letting the Sinestro Corps win. But that means Guy also failed! I know better than to ask why then is Guy attacking Kyle! I already answered that answer. Guy Gardner is a dick.

Kyle quickly realizes this isn't his usual reality and transforms back into the Spooge Lantern. And because Kyle keeps retaining his memory of all of Volthoom's realities, Volthoom tries a different, more honeyesque approach.

Volthoom is lying! He can't permanently alter reality yet! Can he?

And turning the page, Volthoom rescinds his offer! What a big jerk! He finally realizes the only way he can suck Kyle's emotions is to show Kyle his power and then promise him something he can't have. Once Kyle despairs of ever being with Alex again, Volthoom sucks him off and heads over to Red Lanterns #17.

New Guardians #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed the twist that Kyle retained who he was in Volthoom's changes in reality. Volthoom seems to control the entire spectrum which Kyle now does as well. So whatever Volthoom is, Kyle may be a brand new amateur version of it. And whatever Volthoom is, The Guardians were pretty stupid to risk freeing him since he has the power to alter reality. Perhaps the only way to defeat him is to make him say, "Moohtlov!"

Green Lantern Corps #17

If you're looking for his heart, Volthoom, you'll be sorely disappointed.

I don't know Volthoom well enough to have figured out how he fits into the Green Lantern Corps Masturbation Theory. I won't speculate until I've gotten to know him better. I know he didn't invent masturbation since the hand that created the universe which Krona ruined everything to see masturbated at least a few billion years before Volthoom even existed. Although Volthoom can time travel and alter reality. So he may have taught the creator of the universe how to masturbate. Also, I guess I lied about not speculating.

This issue begins with Guy Gardner waking up to Volthoom sucking all of the emotion out of him. While he does this, Guy Gardner experiences a double splash page with dozens of scenes from his past, both recent and Preboot. Among them are his date with Ice, his battling the Anti-Monitor (in the Sinestro Wars, it looks like. I don't think The New 52 would acknowledge Crisis on Infinite Earths!), his experiences as a police officer, his time as a Red Lantern, and his fight against The Black Lantern Corps. My favorite memory might be Bleez vomiting directly into his mouth. Sexy! Alternate versions of Guy Gardner are also shown which include his time as Warrior. So that's a healthy chunk of Preboot history that has been confirmed in The New 52.

Volthoom takes Guy Gardner on a Less Than Wonderful Life tour of how things were and how things could have been. Guy Gardner is forced to live horrible new memories which have the impact of reality since Volthoom can apparently change reality, just not permanently (yet!). Volthoom apparently feeds off of Guy's emotional peaks and valleys while toying with Guy's past.

This was my favorite comic book of the 80s: "Guy Gardner: Failure!"

Volthoom also finally digs up the reason behind Guy Gardner losing his badge and his father's respect. Guy shoots a man wearing a bomb before he can board an airplane, causing the bomb to explode and kill a bunch of people on the ground instead of allowing the bomber to possibly use the plane as a weapon to kill even more people. This did cost him his job but he may have done something else to lose his father's respect because this seems like a difficult choice that other cops (especially family members) would understand. But for the police force, it would definitely be a bad political and public relations move to not take away his badge. Guy probably becomes a big jerk after this and begins calling his old man four-letter words.

Volthoom then goes to make Guy believe that he killed a bunch of Green Lanterns when he was a Red Lantern. And then his brother and sister that didn't die but now did die and the other Green Lanterns he killed but didn't kill came back as Black Lanterns to bring him down. And the issue ends with Gardner trapped in the belief of this alternate world while Volthoom feeds off of Guy's new emotional struggles. But I suppose Volthoom still can't yet change reality or else he wouldn't have to appear in New Guardians next because Kyle's brains would already have been blown out by Guy.

Green Lantern Corps #17 Rating: No change. I don't think this comic really advanced Volthoom's character or powers in this crossover. But it did add Guy Gardner Warrior to Definitive Reboot History. And if Volthoom somehow gets enough power back to actually change reality instead of just faking it and gaining power from the fakery, the DCnU is simply fucked. You think it's confusing enough right now?!

Green Lantern #17

But the Third Army hasn't been stopped yet. Has it?

I just realized that this blog is work! Why didn't anybody tell me? It's the pace that's really starting to wear on me. What was DC Comics thinking publishing fifty-two titles a month?! They certainly didn't have my best interests at heart. I think I need to outsource about half of these commentaries. And since I'm not a huge fan of Green Lantern, perhaps I'll begin with this comic book! And since my comic book has two covers because it's a fucking mutant, I'll start over by scanning in the second cover and handing the reins to my new second-in-command, the old guy in the cowboy hat that just sits and spits on the corner! I think his name is Francis or Walther but everyone just calls him Cowboy Joe.

This hyar seems to be some kind of newfangled serialized picture book.

Let's see hyar. This hyar picture story begins ten billion years ago. That's an awful long time. Seems like that ain't hardly a number anybody'd know nothing about. Seems purty ridiculous by my reckoning. Some blue guy named Krona has taken it upon hisself to witness the keeration of the unyverse. Some other blue guy name of Ganthet starts wailing like some gigantic pussy all fancied up in ruffles and lavender gloves. But that steely eyed Krona ain't got time for no coward talk. He's agonna watch hisself the keeration of the unyverse and that's that.

I think that mealy mouthed fellow what gave me this book to read says he's gonna stick in some picture hyar or something. He told me to circle the pictures I'd want should go with my scribblin'. He said he'd say somethin' on those so the idjits what read his log won't feel like they's gettin' shortchanged fer want of his usual ramblings.

Krona is advanced enough to see the creation of the universe but not advanced enough to realize that the mere act of observation changes that which is observed? Shame on him!

That thar Krona fella, he witnesses what looks like an untolerable big orifice, gaping huge and spewing forth all the matter of the unyverse. And the hand pulling that orifice wide open's got this ring on its finger. And ain't nobody in tarnation outta have to witness nothin' like this. They's warnings 'bout lookin' at this kinda thing fer good reason. Once all these blue guys put eyes on that mighty hole, ever'thang blows up in their faces. All what's left after this hullabaloo is that blue guy Ganthet and some new space man with an ol' train-yard lantern.

This is Volthoom traveling through time before Flashpoint existed. Does that make sense? If Flashpoint exists across time, shouldn't it always exist? Since it makes no Goddamned sense, I think Flashpoint is just a big myth.

That was the end of all that nonsense. Ridiculous! Knowing what coulda been ten bajillion years in the past. Why's anybody gotta know that? What good is it gonna do, all said and done? "Whoopee! Look at me! My name is Krona and now I know how the unyverse were made!" Now how is that supposed ta put food on yer table? People sayin' they need meanin' ta it all. I got yer meaning to it all! It's just life! It's harsh and it's mean and occasionally ya git yer prick wet or yeah et a really good peach or sometimes yer horse nudges ya in the shoulder in just that playful way he does when yer gittin' so sick and tired of it all. And that nudge is sayin', "It's you and me, Francis. We's all we got and have ya got a carrot cause that'd jus' 'bout hit the spot right now." And that jus' 'bout makes ever'thing all right agin. And ya shoulder yer pack and you pull the boots on over yer blistered feet and ya git the fuck back on the trail. Cause what the fuck else is there? Ain't no God gonna help you git down the trail ta find yer next meal. You trust in god, yer gonna starve. Ain't no "big bang" gonna make life any happier than you alone can make the lot ya been thrown in on anyhow. Only thing I ever learned is more learnin' just makes more questions. And who the fuck has got the time for more of those?

Gettin' back to this hyar picture book, it seems that guy on the cover of this serialized pamphlet ended up in some space prison with some other guy name of Black Hand. I know in my day, you stick a fella with the nickname 'a Black and that usually meant that guy was a righteous asshole. Seems ta be the same case in space. This hyar Black Hand is takin' it on hisself to kill this Green Lantern if'n he don't help him escape. Always a guy with an attitude fucks it up fer ever'buddy else. If'n this guy wants ta escape his cell, wouldn't it be better ta have two fellas thinking up a means of egress? But guys nicknamed "Black" always seem to want to take out they anger on anyone in the room. They's the guys always gotta make sure ever'one in the saloon hears 'em enter and ever'one in the saloon usually takes a nice long hard stare at the bottom of their bottle while he takes a seat. Smart guys already got their epitaphs planned out and none of 'em want ta see it changed to "Bob glanced at the wrong guy. Too bad the bullet didn't do the same to Bob."

Some more of them blue guys but shorter and hairier are also holed up in a space prison cell adjacent to the Black Hand's cell. I think they was wardens got themselves switcheroo'd by the Black Hand or the other crazy blue skinned fellas.

Well that explains what happened to the Borg Lanterns! Volthoom wakes up and POOF! Out like a candle!

Some skeletal looking guy named Volthoom has them blue men trapped in a bubble. He's some kind of first Lantern and seemingly the most powerful being in all time and existence. He's the kinda man can call your mother a whore and ya can't do nothin' but agree with him. Them is some kind of men and thankfully ya don't meet those men much. Oh, ya can't walk ten feet without bumpin' inta tha kind what can't keep their mouths shut even when they aughtta. Them kind is a dime a dozen and the kind ya either punch in the jaw or pay no heed cuz ya know they jus' scared and full 'a bluster. But this other kind of man...well, ya don't fuck with that man. He has power of all sorts and he knows he has power and he Goddamned definitely knows you know. He's the kind of man that don't never get killed in conflicts or confrontations. Usually he get killed by some hot tempered kid what don't know the weight of the man's name and feels a slight that come on without warning. But that kinda kid don't last long enough usually to even meet a man full of real power anyway.

This hyar Volthoom Lantern guy is the space man from ten billion years ago, so he's acquainted with the blue guy named Ganthet. So they parlay for a bit about what coulda been had Ganthet not stuck a knife in Volthoom's back billions of years ago.

So Volthoom is powerful enough to warp reality. He doesn't even need to time travel! He just changes the past through people's memories! Or, you know, something.

Volthoom goes pokin' about in Ganthet's past and starts rearranging his furniture. Volthoom causes them blue men to not lose their emotions because that was one 'a their major fucked up decisions. But changin' tha past apparently changes the future or at least disrupts it. Cause Green Lantern Simon Baz changes to Green Lantern Abin Sur fer a bit while Black Hand changes from dead to alive. And alla that cause them blue men didn't stop learnin' ta love. But then they change back agin fer some reason. I ain't gonna pretend I unnerstand all this science majigger stuff. It jus' seems like somebody makin' stuff up and not carin' how the goldarned universe would really react. Seem ta me the Green Lantern aughtta have turned into his normal self and not a completely different person. But I get the point. Reality ain't quite up to snuff with Volthoom muckin' about in time.

Anyhow, Volthoom has been locked up fer too long and cain't make his change permanent. Good thing cause all this hyar serialized pamphlet needs is some character goin' about makin' all sorts of crazy changes to the way things was. Imagine if this hyar story suddenly had all of its history taken away or changed up on the reader! By golly! What a prank that would turn out to be!

Volthoom ain't quite got the power he had afore he were imprisoned, so he's gotta go drain some mistakes and regrets out of some characters what have emotion since these hyar blue men are logical like school marms. He wanders off to the seventeenth issue of some periodical called Green Lantern Corps while that other Green Lantern fella gets zapped inside the ring of that Black Lantern bully.

Whoops!

Green Lantern #17 Rating: I guess this hyars where I'm supposeta say how much I reckon I liked this periodical. It passed the time in a fair fashion. Seems I could justify givin' it a +1 Rankin', seein' as how I ain't too partial ta readin' but the pictures helped me along in a right enjoyable way. But I ain't got time to read the others in this stack that fuckin' dandy left hyar for me. I ain't got time to wallow in this kid's stuff. Life is for livin' with others, not sittin' in the dirt alone readin' made-up fantasy stories.

Action Comics #17

Why is Vyndktvx so proud about defeating Superman? That's like me being proud that I crumpled up a picture of a stick figure.

When I began reading last issue, I though it was Grant Morrison's final issue of Action Comics. And then when I finished reading it, I thought this was the final issue of Action Comics written by Morrison. But since the one thing I'm unerringly wrong about is the final issue of things, I imagine Grant Morrison will be writing Action Comics for a really long time. That wouldn't be so bad.

Last issue ended with Super Brand X Superman from Earth 5 (I think) being escorted into Earth Prime by Lex Luthor. Lex wasn't actively trying to make that happen but one thing I've learned from the Young Earth Creationists is that scientists never actually know what they're doing and they only ever discover things on accident and most of the time they're lying anyway. I guess they also taught me that if you can think up a theory in your imagination without any research or evidence, it's just as valid as scientific theories that are in reality laws of the universe. My theory that ghosts are just brains picking up other people's brain waves like a radio signal is probably true because I thought of it and it makes sense if I tell it to you until you're sick of arguing with me.

The other grand event that happened at the end of last issue was the Legion Founders coming back in time to help Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen bring Mr. Mxyzptlk out of his coma so that he can save Superman's fourth dimensional ass.

This issue begins with a sentimental moment that interferes with getting straight into the action! So I skipped it to get to the good stuff! The comic book doesn't really begin until Superman is getting beaten to death by the Earth 5 Superman with the Superman statue commemorating Superman's first death.

I like the spit curl image on the back of Earth 5 Super Brand X Superman's back.

While Superman is waiting for somebody else to save the days, Lightning Man, Saturn Woman, and Cosmic Man are racing back in time in their Time Bubble to alter everything. These Legion of Super-hero members are from a future where Superman was killed. But their future sucks since Universo took control and hypnotized everyone into being assholes. So they figure, even if it means they'll never exist, they're going to change the past. Except then they won't have existed to change the past and thus Superman will still die and they'll exist to change the past and then...oh fuck it! I already went over this in my commentary on Superboy! But now that Morrison is writing this messed up Back to the Future version of time travel in a comic book I really like, I have to do the fanboy thing and defend it somehow! Perhaps when this kind of event takes place, two time lines become inextricably tied together for all time. Which would mean that the Legion members will continue to exist as if Superman died in the one time line braided to the other timeline where they save Superman's ass. So even if they're successful, they're shitty timeline will still exist. They really can't do anything except be caught in a weird ass time loop that never quite resolves or changes either time line.

So Legion goes back in time but they skip over to the "Superman Lives" timeline when they fix past events. The two timelines would be identical except for the moments changed by Legion and the repercussions of those moments. But in the end, who cares? Vyndktvx can change whatever he wants in either timeline and more without breaking a sweat. So ultimately, I think they still need Mxyzptlk.

Or events happened how they always happened. Or those other travelers on the other side of the overturned truck were Legion returning to make sure Ma and Pa Kent die before Legion can save Ma and Pa Kent because saving Ma and Pa Kent fucks everything up so that Superman dies. Or something. Fuck you, Time Travel!

While Legion does whatever the fuck Legion does while fucking up time and history, Vyndktvx talks to the reader (or maybe someone else that's outside the page that isn't the reader but another character) and describes how he planned the entire thing. He explains each issue and why he did what he did and how it helped to get Superman to his next death. Maybe he's talking to me since I accepted his deal to not help Superman last issue! I'm part of his gang now! Too bad all the losers on Earth didn't accept Vyndktvx's deal!

They're actually helping him! Bah! Why do people always help Superman?!

At some point during Legion's travels, they end up at the side of Mxyzptlk as seen at the end of last issue. Mxyzptlk awakens with his wife's name on his lips. Brand X Superman tears off his face plate and reveals he's an amalgamation of Doomsday and Superman. And Lex Luthor arrives to complicate things further.

Or help. It's hard to tell with that asshole.

I also forgot to mention that the last time The Anti-Superman Army were shown, they were trying to devour Krypto's soul with their Blue Kryptonite. But Superman spoke with Erik Drekken the Unevolved Man and told him he was still a good scientist and Superman believed in him. And how can someone fight that? So when Superman's brawl took him away from that scene, perhaps Erik saved Krypto's doggy soul. As if dogs have souls! I mean, if people don't, why would dogs?! Maybe dolphins have souls. But that's it!

The Sholly Fisch back-up story was a bunch of emotional pap that didn't make me feel anything! Although it might have made me sick because I suddenly need to blow my nose. Really, it wasn't worth reading at all! In fact, it spoils the end of this entire run because you find out that Superman survives! Oh look! Now I've spoiled issue #18 as well! It's just so hard to concentrate with tears splashing all over my keyboard and this erratic breathing.

Action Comics #17 Rating: No change because it's already tied with Batman at #1. Which means it's one of the best comic books of The New 52. Which is weird because I generally don't care much for Superman stories. But I do like alternate dimension and time travel stories! But I don't like stories that show future Superman getting to talk with Pa Kent one last time on the night Pa Kent dies! Sholly Fisch is a jerk that likes to make people sad!

Threshold #2

But Blue Beetle is a contestant, isn't he? Can a Hunted claim the bounty on another Hunted? Maybe the bounty just gets tacked on to Blue Beetle's bounty. That's the way I'd design it if this were one of my many games.

Hey! Last commentary, I said: "Based on only the second page of the Larfleeze back-up story, I want a full sized Larfleeze comic book." And now DC has released this press release (what else would they do with a press release?): "DC Comics has announced new creative teams for each title in its Green Lantern line and confirmed a Larfleeze solo series." Do I have that kind of power?! In addition to driving Tom DeFalco from Superboy and getting The Ravagers canceled (all things I completely take credit for), did I also convince DC to do a Larfleeze monthly book?! Man! What other things should I demand? How about an Ambush Bug back-up story in Action Comics? Is the death of Aquaman asking too much? Yeah, that's probably too much since he's currently everybody's favorite loser. And judging by all the non-death happening in Suicide Squad, I don't think anybody is actually dying in The New 52 any time soon. Although Threshold is a place to tell dystopian science fiction survive any way you can kind of stories, so somebody better fucking die in this thing!

But don't let it be Brenda! She's Jaime's cute romantic love interest so she's got a target on her head five feet wide. Or more! Maybe five miles wide!

Hey! Let's see a picture!

This one page is better than the entire run of Grifter.

So now that even the dumbest of you know what The Hunted game show is about and you know which side you're supposed to root for, let's see if someone can kill Jediah Caul this issue! Because he's a bad thing! A really bad thing!

When the last episode of The Hunted ended, Stealth and Rik Starr (Space Ranger Extraordinaire! And kind of effeminate for your stereotypical space hero) were cornered by Crimson Thrust! No, that's not a sex act performed by a man on a female during her moon time. It's the most baddest assed, top rated, fan favorite Hunt Club! They have the most kills of all the other hunt clubs put together*!

*I made up that fact.

I wonder if I should start some kind of betting pool for this game? It might not be fair though since I obviously have DC's ear and they might be influenced by everyone's bets! I guess we can have an informal wager, right? And you all know what I mean by informal, don't you? That means a real wager but we're all going to deny that it was a real wager if any cops are reading this!

My money is on Jediah Caul! Nope! I picked him first! Y'all better pick someone else. If you pick a Hunted, it means you think that person will survive. If you pick a Hunt Club, you need to pick who you think they're going to kill! If this comic book were realistic (and it almost is!), Crimson Thrust would probably kill Stealth and Rik Starr (Space Ranger!) and Jediah Caul and Blue Beetle to boot! But I bet they're humiliated and never catch one person ever. They won't even catch Captain Carrot when his drunk ass is introduced! And he's just a stupid bunny rabbit!

Since Stealth has no other choice (well, the other choice (before I get to the first other choice) is simply running outside of Stealth's hideout and reenacting the ending to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid minus the freeze frame), she decides to follow Rik Starr (Space Ranger!) to his possibly make believe "blind point".

I wonder what she means by "choke on it, 'space ranger'"? Is she trying to suggest something about these "space rangers"? Like perhaps they're not as manly as they might seem by the name of their organization? You know? Is she calling him a cocksucker?

Stealth has the power to turn invisible (shocking, right?!). But she's only invisible if she doesn't move. That's a pretty crappy power. That power is for cry babies and quitters! Or for people that have enough patience for the Crimson Thrust to move in close so she can cut the throat of Crimson Thrust #31. After she does that, she slaughters #8, #13, #7, and #42. She might also kill another one whose number I didn't get. And she blew up two others with a grenade before she made her escape although they weren't killed. But they were hurt bad enough that they might die now that their buddies are dead and can't get help!

Crimson Thrust is horrible at this game!

Meanwhile a couple of upper crust Happy People (one of them being Bleeding Adonis, the host of The Hunted), are discussing this season of the game.

Oh yeah! I forgot The Reach and the Green Lantern Corps are the deadliest of enemies! Except Blue Beetle's Reach Scarab is brain-damaged, so it probably won't be able to force Jaime to kill Jediah.

On the other hand (the first hand is the thing I mentioned in the caption about the brain-damaged Scarab), Jaime's carapace has been fitted with some kind of override tech which means The Scarab will finally get his way and be able to ignore Jaime's constant whining and moralizing. And in a bar somewhere on Tolerance, Jediah Caul is learning that a Reach Warrior is going to enter the game soon. And it's going to sniff out his residual ring energy like a thing with a good sniffer sniffing out something that smells like something it really likes.

So now what are people wagering? Is Blue Beetle going to kill Jediah Caul? Caul is basically defenseless with his ring uncharged. I guess he's going to have to seek help from Ember and her secret rebel group. Unless Jaime is somehow kidnapped from the game before he can even turn into the Blue Beetle.

What is Sleen supposed to be? A sexy space Raccoon?! She's my new favorite character! Sorry, Alysia and Brenda!

So Pig-Iron is also running around the pages of Threshold? I'm surprised DC didn't have to change his name as well. I wonder how much money they spent on lawyers trying to find out exactly how removed their characters had to be from the original Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew before they could get away with not paying Scott Shaw? Probably a lot of money that they could have paid Scott Shaw while telling him to suck it because the new Captain K'rot doesn't pun and that's why he's different from the old Captain Carrot!

So Captain K'Rot and his New Zoo Crew Revue need to capture Blue Beetle so they can get a big payout from something called the Consortium. That sounds familiar but I'm too stupid and/or old and/or drunk to remember. And I've recently had a tiff with Lord Google since he seems to be trying to get me to use Google Chrome by passive aggressive means like nearly locking up Firefox every time I search for something. I guess that's kind of aggressive aggressive although he keeps failing at it. He's a dick. I might start hanging out with Viscount Bing instead.

Who thinks Yankee Poodle will make an appearance? Hopefully it'll be as Skanky Poodle.

Kicking Jaime in the head and knocking him unconscious is a big mistake due to the Carapace Override installed in him. The Scarab instantly takes over and begin shooting Reach Death Lasers at the New Zoo Crew Revue. They flee the scene and probably won't be chased because the Scarab will probably realize there is a Green Lantern to kill somewhere nearby.

In fact, he's really, really nearby! Caul has paid a visit to a recently dead gun runner friend of his (possibly killed by Caul after Caul arrived and was attacked and had to defend himself. It isn't made completely clear but that's what I've decided has happened) which just happens to be the first place Captain K'rot runs to when he wakes up the Reach Scarab.

I really should be plastering the original Captain Carrot's face on Captain K'rot but Captain K'rot just looks too cool.

And that's where The Hunted part of this issue ends! Next up, Larfleeze!

Larfleeze is currently trying to figure out who robbed him by questioning his butler, Stargrave.

I'm not sure I should like Larfleeze as much as I do. He's cuddly.

Larfleeze decides to enlist the help of the Star Rovers. It's a good thing I already learned all about Rick Starr (Space Ranger!) and the Star Rovers! I'm over-prepared for this issue! I'm not usually prepared on any level for anything! Is this what "pride" feels like?!

Since you've seen example after example of things I hate in comic books, here's a panel I especially love. Larfleeze just has a certain innocence to him that I find charming and lovable. If you hate the Larfleeze back-up story, we have nothing more to discuss. Good day!

After a brief attack by Larfleeze's Orange Army (an event that nobody can explain as of yet), the Star Rovers agree to work for free to help Larfleeze find his stuff. It's a little more complicated than all that. It's also funny and adorable. I like Larfleeze and I like his Space Alfred and I hope when Larfleeze gets his own book, it doesn't take itself seriously and begin crossing over with Green Lantern all of the time! It's about time for a funny, off-the-wall, not so serious, whimsical fucking book!

Threshold #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. Sure, I obviously really like the Larfleeze back-up story but I also like The Hunted story too. It's chock full of crazy characters and Captain K'rot did not disappoint me. Plus I guess I'm edging into furry territory by finding his cohort Sleen the Space Raccoon super sexy and cute. I just want to see her bury her face in a bowl of cat kibble. Um, in her underwear! I didn't mean to sound weird!