Justice League Dark #16

She's probably still immortal; it's just that her age is now showing.

The last issue of Justice League Dark had the team arriving in Faerie while some really strange things happened to them. John Constantine suddenly can't lie. Black Orchid has been transformed into a Purple Swamp Thing. Madame Xanadu has undergone a reverse face lift. Deadman is literally a dead man. And Frankenstein hasn't shown any signs of change yet. Maybe he'll begin to decay throughout this issue. They've come to Faerie to rescue Zatanna and Tim Hunter. Zatanna and Tim Hunter have arrived in Faerie to help the fairies drive out the Technological Assholes that have taken over.

Luckily Deadman has practice at this being killed thing so the first thing he does is try to find his way out of Faerie's Land of the Dead. But while doing so, he runs into the keeper of the gates of the dead, Infernal Core!

Great! The entrance/exit to the land of the dead is guarded by some jerk created by reality television contestants. I hate him already.

Deadman escapes by tackling this jerk through the portal to the land of the fairies. And then the guy freaks out, screaming about how he doesn't belong here and he goes both ways and stop being so fucking insensitive! Then the Techno-Asshole jizzes all over Infernal Core who disappears in an explosion of blood. Unless it's fire. Whatever it is, good riddance. I'm glad they didn't spend much time with him since he was only here for a stupid reality show prize. Hey DC! Stop ruining my comics with gimmicks and publicity stunts! Or if you are going to do that kind of shit, save it for Superboy. Anyway, I'm kind of liking this Network Enforcer Vikar a little bit more now. That fucking Face-Off show just wasted six pages of this comic book, so the next fourteen had better be spectacular.

A few more pages are spent explaining to Tim why he's going to be the savior of Faerie. It's because his ancestor was the Faerie Champion, a wizard named The Hunter. If that's so, was Tim Hunter's father not his real father? He must have been because his DNA opened the Books of Magic. Perhaps this The Hunter was many, many, many generations ago and his ancestors escaped Faerie to live in the "real" world.

Oh Frankenstein. That's the cry of the loser! "How dare you keep your advantage over me? Lose it so that I can have the advantage!"

Network Administrator Vikar realizes that Frankenstein is a creature of pure science which explains why nothing strange has happened to him. Although that makes me wonder why Constantine suddenly couldn't lie. Perhaps the entire world has a Polygraph Induced Ethernet Wave cascading across it at all times. Constantine can't lie and doesn't even attempt any magic so Justice League Dark is eventually captured by the lone science guy. Yay science! Although his science is so advanced it might as well be magic. Yay magic!

Later, Tim learns of his ancestor's immigration.

So Tim Hunter is the savior of Faerie. Constantine, Frankenstein, Xanadu, and Deadman have been captured and taken to the technological capital city. Black Orchid has been left to die in the woods. Zatanna has no purpose. And the portal kept open by Dr. Peril on Earth is beginning to tear the two worlds apart. Perhaps Infernal Core will return to save everyone.

Justice League Dark #16 Rating: -2 Ranking. The drop in ranking is due to the fact that I just read a fucking publicity stunt instead of a Justice League Dark comic book. I think my whole mood while reading this comic book was upset by the inclusion of the Face-Off contest winner comic book character. It had no purpose other than to showcase it in a DC Comic book. In essence, the fans of Justice League Dark are subsidizing the prize for a reality show. Fuck you, DC. Normally I'd say you owe me ninety cents for the six wasted pages. But I think you owe me a full refund because those first six pages set the tone for the rest of the book.

Now if DC hadn't told me about the publicity stunt in the back pages of their very own comic book, I'd still be left wondering what the fuck that introduction of Infernal Core was because it goes nowhere. So at least I have a reason for that bullshit. Without knowing about Face-off, I would have just written this for the first six pages: "What the fuck was that about?!"

Talon #4

Anybody else sick of owls?

I figure it's only a matter of time before this blog makes me so famous that colleges across the country will be asking me to give a commencement speech for one of their dumber graduating classes. So I've been working on wise and profound material to shove into the heads of the newly forged and indoctrinated men and women of this country. It will be my job to prepare them for the real world in which they'll no longer have to choose between text books, beer, and food. They won't have any of them since all of their money will be going to pay off their student loans. I'm hoping that my first gig will either be at Yale or the University of Phoenix.

I thought I'd drop a rough draft of my Commencement Speech here in the Talon Commentary because nobody cares about the Court of Owls anymore, do they? Look, the Talon comic book is going to be about Calvin Rose fighting the monster Gotham Butcher. He'll nearly die but then he'll figure out a way to win and he'll defeat the Butcher in a way that leaves it possible for the Butcher to come back at a later date. That's probably the plot so I don't really have to read the comic this month, do I?

I know, I know! I keep shoving non-comic book related material into the beginnings of these commentaries, forcing you to skim past a whole bunch of bullshit before you get to the jokes about Batman that have been told thousands of times before by funnier and more literate people than me. What if I put a Batman joke into my Commencement Speech? It would then partially relate to the Talon comic. I can't make a Talon joke! Nobody knows who the fuck he is!

You know what? I don't want anybody stealing my material and using it for their Commencement Speech! So I'm going to keep it to myself for now. Of course if you were following my Twitter feed (and why would you? It's just a place I generally drop links back to here!), you'd already have read some of my best lines for the speech. So instead of boring you with a bunch of long words you don't know because I chose them specifically for people just leaving college, I'll just read this stupid comic book. But I won't enjoy it!

See? Calvin getting beat down. So, how about this advice for my Speech: "Continuously talk about all of the big plans you have for your future so if you get hit by a bus, everyone will remember you for what you were going to do and not how you just sat around playing video games all day."

The old man whose name I can never remember (I can barely remember Calvin Rose's name and he's the main character!) so I'll just refer to as Hobbes realizes that the new Talon about to kill Calvin is The Gotham Butcher. Old Man Hobbes is aghast that the Court of Owls would bring him back. Because the Court of Owls is usually filled with restraint?

Meanwhile the whole operation is headed down the toilet as the Talon Doorman, Mr. Black, realizes that the entire bank robbery with police involvement is a sham. They're all just stalling while somebody upstairs gets their hands on something more valuable than money. So probably health or love or better money. I can't remember what Calvin and his friends are actually after. I think they're after better money so Calvin can fund his operation and his girlfriend can fund her Asylum for Reformed Thugs and The Court of Owls can be forced into bankruptcy. But since I can't even remember anybody's name in this comic book, how can I be expected to remember anything else? And my Commentary for Issue Three didn't help! Oh! Because I didn't read it! I'll be right back with all of the pertinent information!

His girlfriend's name is Casey. The old man's name is Clark. And they are infiltrating this bank to steal all of the Court of Owls' funds. So I mostly remembered what was going on without having to reread my previous commentary. But see how confused I was earlier? That's the entire reason I began these commentaries! I knew reading 52 comics each month would make it really hard to remember what was going on in every book I was reading. That I'm hilarious too is just an added bonus.

Here's another picture of the Gotham Butcher about to kill Calvin. Here's more of my Speech: "Enjoy masturbation."

Sebastian Clark's surprising advice to Calvin Rose is to escape. I wonder if Calvin's greatest skill was juggling, he'd tell him to juggle? It seems like Talon isn't about fighting so it doesn't seem like he'd throw his life away trying to go toe to toe with the Gotham Butcher. He might though! This is a comic book and I've seen plenty of protagonists smart off when they're about to die instead of rabbiting for cover. Also, Calvin's arm is out of socket but I'm guessing that isn't going to matter much. What kind of an escape artist would he be if he couldn't yank his arm out of socket and easily slip it back in, right? That's like their go-to escape plan!

Calvin Rose escapes into the subway and gets away on a train while the Gotham Butcher watches it click clack away saying, "Oh...this is fun." It looks like Calvin Rose has a nemesis! Back in the bank, the little greasy manager realizes all of the Court of Owls' accounts have been drained and he's in a shitload of trouble. It's a good thing the Talon Doorman was frozen by Casey's men before they all got away. Now the manager has time to pack his pencils and move to Montana.

Apparently everybody should have moved to Montana because Sebastian Clark realizes way too late that a tracer was placed on Calvin's suit. And now the monster is knocking at the Asylum's door. I'm sure they've trained for this. Eventually Rose Wilson and Warblade and King Shark and Midnighter and Ra's al Ghul and Regulus and a whole host of other assholes will be knocking down this door too.

I'd rather read a monthly comic called "Gotham Butcher". More of my Speech: "Living like there's no tomorrow usually turns into long term health problems."

The entire Asylum begins evacuating except for Casey who needs to wipe the computers clean so the Court of Owls doesn't get all of their valuable information. And probably to keep them from getting their money back. But to do that, she has to remain behind and she'll be killed. But since Calvin would look like a gigantic douchebag if he allowed that to happen, he elects to remain behind as well and lead the Gotham Butcher into a trap.

Who's kidding who? He's a Master Escapadeliologist! He'll be fine! More of my Speech: "It's better to regret the things you did than to regret never having tried those things. Unless those things are wrestling bears and petting cats on the stomach."

Casey's daughter runs from the escape pod as the doors are closing and now she's loose in the building with the Gotham Butcher! Sheesh, Casey! Why the hell is your daughter living in an Asylum for Allegedly Reformed Thugs and Maniacs? Shouldn't you guys have an apartment and a nanny? That just doesn't seem like the best idea. I guess the entire Asylum is filled with families so they were all simply pretending to be a community and ignoring the overwhelming dangers of this operation. Well, the owls have come home to roost! Is that a saying?

Talon gets the Gotham Butcher into a tunnel that Casey collapses, filling it with freezing cold water from the Hudson River. The Gotham Butcher is swept away to return in a later issue. And now Casey and her daughter Sarah and Calvin Rose (who, surprisingly, escaped!) are heading to Gotham to battle the Court of Owls together. Awwww!

Talon #4 Rating: No change. See what I was talking about? I didn't need to bother reading this at all! It played out exactly as I said it would! And even though I am a Master Comic Book Reader, anybody reading comic books would have known how this was going to play out. It's the most standard of standard devices ever dreamed up by Stan Lee! Or Jack Kirby. Or Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster! Or Bob Kane! Or whoever fucking invented it! The only thing this story accomplished was destroying the Asylum for Reformed Thugs which sucks because I liked that idea. Casey does mention it will take a few months to get it back together, so maybe it'll be a new title in a Future New 52 Wave!

The Transimposterformers!

I know these don't transform into Giant Robots but check out the copy below.

More than meets the eye? Really, Transformers. Really?

Advert for shape changing cars from 1972 inside Jack Kirby's The Demon #1. I suppose they were a shitty toy with a great tag line! They even set it in bold they were so happy about it. And it was great since it lived longer than the toys!

I, Vampire #16

Is it time for another DC Origin story lifted directly from The Bible?

Last issue ended with Cain alive and well again. Not metaphorically alive and well as a vampire but really alive and well as a human child. At this point, I think DC has brought back more characters than it has killed off in The New 52. It's only a matter of time before Ted Kord is back with us! Currently the most unrealistic thing in DC Comics' history is that Ted Kord was killed and that was that for Ted Kord. Ralph Dibny immediately became a ghost detective after he died. Every other hero has been resurrected at least once. Hell has been shown to exist. Heaven has been shown to exist. Multiple planes of existence have been shown to exist. So where the fuck is Ted Kord? Is he the one person in all of DC Comics' history to simply wink out of existence? Even the people who simply winked out of existence ended up in Limbo!

I bet at some point DC releases at least one comic book called "The Preboot" or something like that. It will be like DC Universe Presents but tell stories of the characters that everybody bitching about the New 52 know and love. At first it will sell better than Batman but pretty soon everyone will start in how "it's not the same" and "DC isn't spotlighting the correct people" and "Why is Ted Kord still dead?" Although I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that will be asking the last question. The sales figures will drop rapidly and DC will cancel the title and that will be the end of that. This will happen because fans are never happy with what they get because it's never what they imagine or expect. The first issue should spotlight Amanda Waller walking past the gym.

Anyways, Biblical origin right on cue:

I need to learn a segue other than "anyways."

Cain explains how he wandered the desert until he found a dessert by the name of Lilith. He turned her into whatever he was (Pre-Jewish, I guess?) and they were married. In the Bible, Cain's wife (like Lot's wife and Noah's wife and probably many other wives) didn't have a name so Lilith is as good as any since it's dripping with slutty, evil meaning.

The name of this issue is "Nimrod's Son." I've explained Nimrod a few times already in my Action Comics commentary, so read those if you give a shit. I guess I'll find out why this is called Nimrod's Son even though Nimrod was the son of Cush who was the son of Ham who was the son of Noah and what does that have to do with Cain? I don't know if Nimrod ever actually begets anybody in The Bible.

Back in the Van Helsing's Secret Armory, Andrew and Tig and the new guy and the dog are looking for weapons to conquer the world.

Or just some brick to open the gates of Hell.

Of course the super secret armory in a super secret pocket dimension is full of traps because you can never be too careful especially when your enemies are an army of immortal blood-sucking bastards. The new guy sets off a trap and stone monkeys fly out of the walls to stop them. I might be ignorant of the entire Vampire Mythos but I've never heard of one of their weaknesses being flying stone monkeys. Although I might have the flying part wrong. And the monkey part. And possibly the stone part. It's hard to say since the artist isn't really trying to draw to reality or continuity anyway! One panel Tig gets her left hand seared off. Then in a following panel, it's there. And then in a subsequent panel, it's a stump again!

Luckily, that's the only problem with this book so far.

Meanwhile in London, Virgin Bloody Mary is getting sick of listening to Cain.

If only Virgin Bloody Mary were as cute as Sorrentino's Tig, I might fall for her too! Rowr! The attitude on this minx!

The next thing that happens is the only thing that could happen to a vampire turned human hanging out with the Biblical Cain in a pub in London: John Constantine arrives. He wants to help get the old, boring Andrew Bennett back because that bloke never felt motivated to do anything on his own. He was always just reacting. And John Constantine likes the world to be populated with those kinds of people. He shows Virgin Bloody Mary what's happening at Castle Van Helsing so she'll take him seriously.

What is happening at Castle Van Helsing? Andrew Bennett is beheading and murdering the mutant zombie leader of the Van Helsing clan. The brick they were looking for is from the Tower of Babel. It's powerful because it touched heaven. Now it destroys vampires and undead mutant Van Helsing leaders who touch it. I think Nimrod might have begun the city of Babel, so maybe that's where his son will get tied into the story.

After the Good Guys get tired of listening to Cain tell his story about Lilith becoming so enraged she became a monster and massacred a bunch of people and rumors began to spread and secret society was formed to kill Cain's children, they wander off with John Constantine because he knows where Andrew Bennett will be next. And then Cain disappears.

I guess Cain should be more immortal than even Andrew Bennett since he was the first. And if Cain dies, doesn't that mean all of the vampires he created die? I don't remember if that holds true. Anyway, it doesn't matter because Cain is still the same vampire he's always been!

Back in the Van Helsing's Chartreuse Room, Tig learns that her father the vampire hunter was turned and killed. She believes the Van Helsings killed him but everybody reading this book knows that Andrew Bennett killed him. But Andrew Bennett doesn't want Tig knowing that! So he tells her that John Constantine killed him. Why is Andrew Bennett such a murdering liar? I thought Vampires were supposed to be young, handsome, and charming? This comic book has vampires all wrong! Next thing you know, they'll try to tell me that Werewolves rip people to shreds instead of courting other people's girlfriends.

John takes the Good Guys to his House of Mystery so they can meet up with Andrew in The Chartreuse Room. But the House of Mystery is locked because someone else is pissing all over it trying to make it his.

Do vampires pee?

I, Vampire #16 Rating: No change. Scott Clark is a competent artist but I'm still pouting over the loss of Sorrentino. I guess I won't have to pout for long though since DC seems to be canceling this title due to stupid fans that don't know how to enjoy well-written comic books and can only enjoy comic books with characters from DC's cartoons. Fandoms are full of people in love with the idea of a character but don't actually give a shit how that character is being written. They just ignore the horrible stories and fill the pages they're reading with head canon and fantasy relationships. I told I, Vampire it should play up the romantic aspect more! Maybe set it in junior high! If a person's feels in life were graphed, Junior High would be the peak towering over every other time in their life. Except maybe college but the majority of those feels would be experimental.

Batman: The Dark Knight #16

All the villains in Gotham are crazy. Therefore the Mad Hatter's big gimmick is wearing a hat. As in Hatman. Clever, little man. Clever.

Since I'm hip deep in DC Crossovers right now, it's kind of refreshing to read a comic book that presents a story and then finishes the story and then goes on to present a new story! Even if the story it just presented was a Reboot of the first story of Batman: The Dark Knight. So it only took fifteen issues to Reboot the Scarecrow and then reboot the Rebooted Scarecrow. DC's ducks must have some serious attitude. "Rows? Fuck rows, Didio! You cock! You suck! We're gonna spread out all over the place, fucker! Fuck your schedule! Fuck your New 52! You should have thought about lining us up sooner, cock. It's going to take you years to get us in line, fucker! Also, why aren't there more female ducks in this place, you fuck! Suck my cock. Fucking quack, motherfucker."

For those easily lost by my rambling diatribes, that was a joke about getting your ducks in a row. I seem to picture ducks using the word "fuck" and "cock" a lot. They just love a word with hard "k" sound.

Before I begin reading the comic book, I've contracted out a writer to open for me. He'll be presenting his writing to warm you up as I go to breakfast and have a relaxing morning. You may be familiar with him and I don't care if you like him because I need to go put my feet up for awhile. May I present to you Grunion Guy and the first chapter of his story, "Temperance Goes Down!" Enjoy! Or not.

Temperance Goes Down
Chapter One
The Foxhole!

"I hate the French!" yelled Temperance like a feisty werewolf.

"Oh shush!" belittled her sister who never gives her name and so she isn't important to the story. So it shouldn't affect the reader (or Temperance) at all when a werewolf in a waistcoat came out of the bushes and mauled her straight to death!

"Oh my! That wasn't normal!" evoked Temperance in that manner that usually ends up in a dead cat. Then the Werewolf took out a calculator and made some quick calculations and then he shook his head and left a 13% tip on the corpse of Temperance's sister before jumping down a foxhole.

"Well, what a cheapskate!" humphed Temperance who decided to follow the werewolf down the foxhole because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Although calling the police or the dog pound would have probably been a better idea. So she picked up her camcorder (digital, of course) and went down.

"Oh my I'm falling down a hole!" evidenced Temperance. She must not have been a very bright girl since she didn't seem to realize cause and effect. Which is probably a good thing because anyone who believes in cause and effect would probably shoot themselves if they had to be in this story.

"Oh my! My dress is going up over my head and showing off my frilly pantaloons!" Temperance put a hand over her mouth and looked demurely at the camera. I mean the reader! "Oh! I hope I remembered my pantaloons!" she exclaimed just in case the movie version of this story might be rated R. And if it was rated R then she probably did a few flips in the air too and maybe her boobies fell out of her top too. Temperance was probably eighteen also or else that whole scene was weird and illegal instead of sexy like it was supposed to be. Temperance's sister was the young girl and since she is dead, it is okay to have nakedness now.

And then Temperance landed! "Look at me! I must be in Nether Zealand!" Actually, she was still in the Foxhole but now the Foxhole was filled with locked doors instead of foxes. Or werewolves! I almost forgot about them!

Temperance tried to open all the doors but found out that they were locked. She would have known that if she had been reading the book instead of making daisy chains in her hair or whatever hot chicks do when they're alone in a foxhole. "I must believe in God," she remembered.

Then she found a key on a table and a bottle of Jaegermeister that said, "Drink up, beeyatch!" right on the label! "Ohno, I mustn't drink this hard alcohol and become really tipsy!" she salivated. Then she gagged as she choked on the key. "Oops!" This time she picked up the right item and drank it all in one gulp! Also, she turned the video camera on and pointed it at her face.

"I'm scared!" she cried and then she got really drunk. I mean, she shrunk. But for some reason that didn't solve her problems so she stamped her foot and said, "Oh eat me!" The Werewolf stuck his head in and he had fake painted eyebrows and a fake mustache and he wiggled his cigar and said, "Oh yeah!" or something even wittier if I think of a better line later.

After Temperance said the eat me thing, she suddenly grew really big and caused this chapter to end!

End of Chapter One!

Goddammit, Grunion Guy! If you're going to take up that much space before I can even scan one picture from the comic, you're stupid fucking story is going at the end of these commentaries! I'll open for you! You think internet readers are going to wade through that many words without a fucking picture? You better draw something to go with your story next time!

Sorry about that. So, Batman!

"Can't blame them for being terrified . . . they live in Gotham!"

Oh look! The citizens of Gotham are finally fucking scared about something! The Joker goes on a rampage and kills a bunch of random people. "No big deal! Happens all the time!" The Hydra stomps through downtown while Medusa turns everyone to stone. "Yawn. Saw it last Tuesday." Mobs of people are running around eating each other. "Yeah, that happens occasionally." People begin disappearing. "Holy fuck it's the end of the world!" I hope Batman can solve this problem! It sounds like the worst one he's faced yet if it can scare the citizens of Gotham.

Batman ends his explication of recent events with this: "There's no discernible pattern. I prefer patterns." Because it makes detective work easier? Shouldn't you be reacting like Deathstork Deathstroke and embracing the challenge? Stop being like normal people, Batman! You're better than that.

Please don't mistake me and start acting like Deathstroke. That guy currently sucks.

Oh look! The kidnappers are all wearing hats (except that one guy. But that looks like a wig!)! You're going to get your pattern, Batman! And they all look like normal people! OMG! The kidnappers are kidnapping the kidnappers! Wait. Is that right?

Boy, if Batman could only see the cover of his own comic book each month, he could solve all of his mysteries easy! Even though I know The Mad Hatter is the antagonist, I bet Batman is still way ahead of me and almost has the entire problem sorted out already. He's such a genius!

Uh oh. His arrogance is getting in the way of his genius!

I would think Batman would instantly notice they all have hats on (and if he didn't, he'd realize it as soon as the one hatless guy lost his wig) and know he was up against The Mad Hatter. It's not like he gets many new crazy people in his town. People dead with grins? Joker. Bird themed crime? The Penguin. Plants involved? Poison Ivy. Needs a shower because he smells like sex and tuna? Catwoman. Clue left at the scene? Riddler. Alice in Wonderland themed crime? Okay, that one could be a little tricky.

After Batman saves one person from being kidnapped, he heads home as Bruce Wayne to discover he's missed another date with Natalya. And the relationship ends according to the plan I outlined last commentary.

Being that she's a pianist and the background is set up like a piano's keys, I'm sure Natalya is playing Bruce as much as he's playing her.

This break-up could also be trouble because Natalya hints that she knows who Bruce Wayne really is. It's possible it's one of those lines of dialogue meant to build tension in the reader that she knows he's Batman but she's really talking about how she knows his inner child or some shit. But she makes these comments after pointing out that she's noticed the timing of his injuries and that she's a very smart woman. So if Bruce breaks up with Natalya, is he going to have another Death of the Family crisis on his hands?

Batman must really be off his game because of the Natalya crisis. Perhaps Bruce Wayne really likes this woman. Perhaps he'd even risk his identity and Alfred's life (again!) to be with this woman. But his mind definitely isn't on his detective work because he goes to visit The Penguin who helps him out with the case.

Perhaps The Mad Hatter just isn't known for being able to organize such a widespread crime spree. That or Batman's in loooove!

The Mad Hatter is working with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (of course! I wonder if Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum have been Rebooted to be child molesters?) to kidnap people that fit certain profiles so they can play very specific parts. The Mad Hatter doesn't get any more specific than that. So he's financing a Broadway show in Gotham? A special show just for Batman? Since The Joker stole the party idea, Mad Hatter is probably feeling a little pissed off. So he's decided to invite Bats to a play!

Perhaps a larger hat would keep him from questioning you, Mr. Hatter? This scene ends with The Mad Hatters thumbs firmly ensconced in the large man's eye sockets.

Batman: The Dark Knight #16 Rating: +1 Rating. The Mad Hatter looks like a cross between Roger Daltry and Marty Feldman. I like his outfit (So the Penguin was right! He is into haberdashery!) and his lift shoes. I also like that he's being played up to be completely mad because, you know, they're all mad there. In Gotham. I don't know how the Penguin deals with being lumped in with all of the psychos of Gotham when he's just a normal business man with a slight bird fetish. I don't really have much of an opinion one way or the other with Bruce getting involved with Natalya. It would be interesting if every story introduced a new woman and showed Bruce getting close to each of them for very different reasons. And then he can eventually marry all of them!

The Savage Hawkman #16

Everyone stand up and applaud! THE CONCLUSION!

In celebration of the end of one of the most poorly written and poorly put together plots I've read in my 25 years of reading comic books (and I read DC Challenge, dammit!), I am writing a poem in place of the usual commentary. Before you begin reading, please pour yourself a glass of wine, or fix a nice tumbler of scotch or pop open a forty. Relax. And even though I know you were expecting a lot of swearing and dick jokes, please enjoy this presentation of high brow literature.

Hawkman:Wanted:Conclusion
Part:The:First
Torture!

AAAHHHHH!
The Hawkman screams.
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



As if flying overhead,
(as opposed to strapped into no-strap hovering holo-manacles)
it cries its cry of crying:
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



Shayera's lips move
But the words disappear like seagulls diving into a foetid bay
Searching for sustenance but only finding
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!


Shut the fuck up, Hawkman! I'm trying to fucking recite poetry here!

Grim torture and death
Delivered by buzzed beach going teens
Simply looking to fornicate drunkenly.

"Why doth the Hawkman scream its scream?"
The inexplicably repentant Shayera asks
As she searches her mind for the appropriate cliché
Responses.

Expected turns of phrase which satisfy no one
Except Frank Tieri who cashes his paycheck for a job done.

It is now the screaming of the Hawkgirl
Filling the empty spaces within panels.
"How could you do this to me, Corsar?"
"How could you lie to me, Corsar?"
"How could you do this to your people, Corsar?"

The answer? Obvious.
(To the five loyal readers of The Savage Hawkman,
Who have seen the same plot played out over and over
As if Frank Tieri and Rob Liefeld knew the definition of
"Theme" or "Motif" or "Literary Device")
The answer screamed the scream of the half-hawkman, Corsar
amidst the screams already screamingly scrummed:

AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL!



Screaming replaced by choking
Choking. Choking. Choking.
Great Ixthultu, the CHOKING!
Corsar chokes off Shayera's screams.
Hawkman chokes off Corsar's screams.
The great multi-armed beast
(from who fucking knows where)
Chokes off Hakwman's screams.

Comcast chokes off my poetry calling to scream about
Who knows what since I tell them,
"Fuck. Off. If I want something, I'll call you."
Did Walt Whitman have to deal with these kinds of distractions?
Or were his distractions merely of the half-naked young men at play on the beach variety?

Part:The:Second
THRAXAS!

great old ones!
gods of thanagar!
gods!
living among hawk-people!
or just long-lived ancient ancestors?

THRAXAS be he THRAXAS we see THRAXAS me pee

great old ones!
out of the machine!
to solve the problems!
of all hawk-kind!
his voice!
like screams!

but more rational and well thought out and in a cadence that is really quite lovely, actually.

great old ones!
hold answers!
"teleport the nth metal!
out of meek young one!
into other meek young one!
voila!"

Part:The:Third
Shayera!

"Excuse me but that sounds dangerous."

Part:The:Fourth
A Picture of a Flying Ship!



Part:The:Fifth
What happened to Deathstroke and Pike!

It doesn't matter!
Frank Tieri teaches us that life is messy.
Answers are the rarest thing in life.
Do not wonder if Deathstroke ever replaced
Pike's gum.
Turn your mind away from things you can't know,
Things you will never know,
Things that were not meant for you.

If you could survive this long not knowing what
Happened to Poison Ivy in Birds of Prey,
You can live with never knowing if Deathstroke
Ever found Pike again.

Part:The:Sixth
Birds Rule!

The war behind it all continues!
Thanagar versus Daemonite versus Czarnian!
Except the Czarnians are all dead.
So why hasn't someone told Emperor Corsar?
Or told Writer Frank Tieri?
Or told Editor Harvey Richards?


When did the moon gets its own fucking moon?

Corsar prepares his Flock to Nest upon the Earth!
Eagle in Tinasha! CHECK!
Hummingbird in Pakistan! CHECK!
Iron Dragon in Alaska! CHECK!
(Iron Dragon? Did Frank Tieri run out of birds after thinking up two?
At least it's still a flying, if fictional, animal.)
Magma on Heard Island. CHECK!
(That doesn't make any sense at all for the Flock theme)
Nigel in the Andes. CHECK!
(Oh for fuck's sake! You're not even trying now!)

The next plot is foreshadowed,
If The Savage Hawkman makes it past Issue #17.

Part:The:Seventh
Hawkgirl Saves The Day!

AHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHH!

BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!

RUUUUMBLE!

SPLOOSH!

CLICK!

Shayera--NO!

Shayera...
...no...

The Savage Hawkman #16 Rating: No change. It was a stupid ending to a stupid story that never should have taken place because the end of the issue before Hawkman:Wanted began, Hawkman had Pike and Xerxes and Hawkgirl captured. But he let them go and then immediately regretted letting them go because he began hunting Hawkgirl to get answers. So thanks for leaving this title in such a fucking mess, Liefeld! I'll blame you simply because DC kept putting your name on the cover and also why not?

And just because some of you might actually be curious as to how this mess ended, I'll explain Part:The:Seventh. The screaming was Hawkman and Corsar getting the Nth Metal transfer. The booms were because Shayera sabotaged the equipment. The rumble was because the Aerie was heading into the sun. The sploosh was one of Hawkgirl's bodyguards exploding. The click was Shayera shoving Hawkman and Emma into an escape pod. The rest was Hawkman's reaction to his greatest love that he only just remembered sacrificing herself to save him. And then the ship was seen falling into the sun even though the sun was super far away as seen in the panel I scanned with Corsar checking up on The Flock.

Superman #16

I am truly excited to learn about Oracle! I wonder why it chose the name "Oracle"? Is it obsessed with Earth just like every other alien in the universe? Or, being omniscient, does it know something we don't? Oh! Oracles know things we don't! But why choose an Earth word that describes something Oracle can do that wouldn't actually seem special to someone that can do it? Again, it must know something that forced it to choose the name Oracle which it has always chosen and always will choose and, being omniscient, never even actually had a choice. Or maybe "Oracle" just means bad ass motherfucker in its long dead space language.

Recent events in H'el on Earth have left The Flash on the Justice League Watchtower and the rest of the Justice League still trying to find H'el within the Fortress of Solitude. It's been rough going though because Scott Lobdell makes up new science fiction terms every page to hamper their pursuit. I think they fought a Mega-Future Bio-Enhanced Auto-calibrated Vestigial Socket Wrench from Pax Crustulum. Then they battled the Stratford-Avon String Theory Megamonkey from Globular Cluster 5ADoubleP. But once they bested the Flirtatious Florence Nightingale Battle Ball and taught her to love again, they were finally through the defenses. Except for Wonder Woman who was fighting a bajillion Kryptonian Battle Drones. She may have finished slaughtering those by now though.

This issue begins as a flashback to H'el beginning his space journey, hoping he'll "survive the pull of Krypton's prohibitive gravitational pull." Well, that was awkward. How about just saying "the pull of Krypton's prohibitive gravity"? But then I'm not a genius Kryptonian Space Genius working side by side with Jor-el, another really smart Kryptonian smart Kryptonian. I'm just a cynical asshole constantly poking Scott Lobdell with a long pointy stick with a sharp point.

I like how Scott Lobdell took a look at the word "universe" and decided the prefix was all wrong. "Uni doesn't describe the Universe correctly! It has more than one thing in it! It has everything in it! It should be the omniverse! And you don't just learn one subject at university! You learn them all! It should be an omniversity! And a unicycle doesn't just take you to one place! It takes you every place you want to go! It should be an omnicycle! The Unitarian Church doesn't just accept people that believe in one set of dogmatic rules! They accept people who believe all kinds of crazy things! They should be Omnitarians! I wonder why Omnivores aren't called Univores? I could have fixed that one as well!"

Jor-el gives H'el a Super Crest for his journey and H'el promises to live up to it by saving Krypton no matter what happens. I think he might be going a little overboard now. I believe he's suffering from Space Madness. If he were truly a good person that was trying to save Krypton because he promised people he loved, he should be able to realize that those people he promised would not ask nor want him to destroy an entire galaxy to change the events of the past. But Space Madness will make you blind to things like that. The main symptom of Space Madness is wildly trying to kill anything you possibly can while pretending that you are working toward some greater good. I wonder if Space Madness is covered in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders?

After H'el's magnificent story about everybody on Krypton coming out to watch the launch, Kara begins to get suspicious. She doesn't remember anything like that ever happening! But he's got such a magnificently shaved upper pubic region that she quickly dismisses any thoughts that H'el might be trying to deceive her. You go, Supergirl!

H'el should have a giant "D" on his chest. You know what I'm saying.

Meanwhile Superman and Wonder Woman and Cyborg and Superboy (but not Batman for some reason) are still battling Superman's collection of strange and exotic plants (which are his hobby). I guess I got ahead of myself earlier when I declared they were done battling the many dangerous things that Superman left lying around the Fortress of Solitude. Currently they're battling Gigantic Purple Hentai Eels.

"The only way to defeat them is to stop struggling, lie down, and die!"

Reading this bit, my spider sense is beginning to tingle. I'm beginning to understand why Batman can't trust Superman. He has all of these crazy weapons and creatures in the Fortress of Solitude. Why? He could just as easily destroy the weapons and keep his indoor outdoor safari zoo biodome place on another planet with no native life of its own. But instead he keeps it here on Earth and lies to everyone about what they are. Yes. I said it. He lies. Need proof?

See?! He's just making shit up as he goes along and then forgets what he just made up! First it's Aaricus Prime. Then it's Aarticus Prime! Well, Superman, what is it? I know it's not a fault of Scott Lobdell or DC's Editors since they're known for always doing an exemplary job.

Batman appears after the fight to tell everybody that they're doing their jobs wrong. That's it, Batman! Lead by douchebaggery! It's the fucking American Way now, isn't it? And what better way to fight the fucking xeno H'el than with American Shitkickeristic Values and the Talk Downingness of Rich Fat Cats That Think They Know Better Because Their Orifices Are Stuffed With Money! Batman's new plan is to "go off-script." He passes around new scripts for everybody because God forbid they ad-lib their own material. Who in their right mind would think they could come up with a better plan than Batman? Only Batman could come up with a better plan than Batman. Unless not even Batman can come up with a better plan than Batman? Whichever one makes him sound smarter.

Batman's new plan is to let Superman and Superboy go on ahead to deal with H'el while the rest of the Justice League gets the fuck out of this comic book. Superboy battles Supergirl and Superman battles H'el. Judging by the last battles against H'el, this fight should only last a few panels before H'el pulls some magic Kryptonian Dragonrabbit out of his hat and either unravels their DNA or teleports them away or simply knocks them unconscious with his super super strength.

And whattya know? Superboy and Superman both get about one punch in before H'el teleports the Fortress of Solitude to somewhere else leaving the Justice League (and Superboy!) lying on the ice where the Fortress used to sit. At least the bad guy's ultimate powers have been consistently used. I was afraid Superman was going to get the upper hand for a second there.

Once H'el moves the Fortress, he activates his machine. The Justice League watches impotently from a distance as the end of the world is upon them. And meanwhile in the far reaches of space, Oracle continues to slowly crawl toward Earth so he can watch the show. What the fuck is his issue? He's obsessed with witnessing planets die? Is he a voyeur or a scientist? What's the difference between a voyeur and a scientist? One observes as a notes taker and the other observes while totes naked! And since the Oracle looks like a big naked crystal thing without a notebook, I think we know which one he is.

He's a gigantic cosmic buttplug! Who wants to take bets that when he arrives at Earth, he approaches it on the plane of the solar system with his head to Earth's north? I'm pretty sure cosmic creatures can't enter our solar system from the "subjective top" or "subjective bottom" of the horizontal plane in line with the planet's orbits.

Superman #16 Rating: No change. I think Scott Lobdell had to estimate how long the crossover he was doing would be and he overestimated by a few issues so now he's just vamping for time in this one. And the last page with the Oracle? Very nearly identical information from the last page of Supergirl #16. I thought I was going to learn more and now I'm disappointed and unfulfilled. Eh. I'm used to that feeling!