The Savage Hawkman #16

Everyone stand up and applaud! THE CONCLUSION!

In celebration of the end of one of the most poorly written and poorly put together plots I've read in my 25 years of reading comic books (and I read DC Challenge, dammit!), I am writing a poem in place of the usual commentary. Before you begin reading, please pour yourself a glass of wine, or fix a nice tumbler of scotch or pop open a forty. Relax. And even though I know you were expecting a lot of swearing and dick jokes, please enjoy this presentation of high brow literature.

Hawkman:Wanted:Conclusion
Part:The:First
Torture!

AAAHHHHH!
The Hawkman screams.
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



As if flying overhead,
(as opposed to strapped into no-strap hovering holo-manacles)
it cries its cry of crying:
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



Shayera's lips move
But the words disappear like seagulls diving into a foetid bay
Searching for sustenance but only finding
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!


Shut the fuck up, Hawkman! I'm trying to fucking recite poetry here!

Grim torture and death
Delivered by buzzed beach going teens
Simply looking to fornicate drunkenly.

"Why doth the Hawkman scream its scream?"
The inexplicably repentant Shayera asks
As she searches her mind for the appropriate cliché
Responses.

Expected turns of phrase which satisfy no one
Except Frank Tieri who cashes his paycheck for a job done.

It is now the screaming of the Hawkgirl
Filling the empty spaces within panels.
"How could you do this to me, Corsar?"
"How could you lie to me, Corsar?"
"How could you do this to your people, Corsar?"

The answer? Obvious.
(To the five loyal readers of The Savage Hawkman,
Who have seen the same plot played out over and over
As if Frank Tieri and Rob Liefeld knew the definition of
"Theme" or "Motif" or "Literary Device")
The answer screamed the scream of the half-hawkman, Corsar
amidst the screams already screamingly scrummed:

AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL!



Screaming replaced by choking
Choking. Choking. Choking.
Great Ixthultu, the CHOKING!
Corsar chokes off Shayera's screams.
Hawkman chokes off Corsar's screams.
The great multi-armed beast
(from who fucking knows where)
Chokes off Hakwman's screams.

Comcast chokes off my poetry calling to scream about
Who knows what since I tell them,
"Fuck. Off. If I want something, I'll call you."
Did Walt Whitman have to deal with these kinds of distractions?
Or were his distractions merely of the half-naked young men at play on the beach variety?

Part:The:Second
THRAXAS!

great old ones!
gods of thanagar!
gods!
living among hawk-people!
or just long-lived ancient ancestors?

THRAXAS be he THRAXAS we see THRAXAS me pee

great old ones!
out of the machine!
to solve the problems!
of all hawk-kind!
his voice!
like screams!

but more rational and well thought out and in a cadence that is really quite lovely, actually.

great old ones!
hold answers!
"teleport the nth metal!
out of meek young one!
into other meek young one!
voila!"

Part:The:Third
Shayera!

"Excuse me but that sounds dangerous."

Part:The:Fourth
A Picture of a Flying Ship!



Part:The:Fifth
What happened to Deathstroke and Pike!

It doesn't matter!
Frank Tieri teaches us that life is messy.
Answers are the rarest thing in life.
Do not wonder if Deathstroke ever replaced
Pike's gum.
Turn your mind away from things you can't know,
Things you will never know,
Things that were not meant for you.

If you could survive this long not knowing what
Happened to Poison Ivy in Birds of Prey,
You can live with never knowing if Deathstroke
Ever found Pike again.

Part:The:Sixth
Birds Rule!

The war behind it all continues!
Thanagar versus Daemonite versus Czarnian!
Except the Czarnians are all dead.
So why hasn't someone told Emperor Corsar?
Or told Writer Frank Tieri?
Or told Editor Harvey Richards?


When did the moon gets its own fucking moon?

Corsar prepares his Flock to Nest upon the Earth!
Eagle in Tinasha! CHECK!
Hummingbird in Pakistan! CHECK!
Iron Dragon in Alaska! CHECK!
(Iron Dragon? Did Frank Tieri run out of birds after thinking up two?
At least it's still a flying, if fictional, animal.)
Magma on Heard Island. CHECK!
(That doesn't make any sense at all for the Flock theme)
Nigel in the Andes. CHECK!
(Oh for fuck's sake! You're not even trying now!)

The next plot is foreshadowed,
If The Savage Hawkman makes it past Issue #17.

Part:The:Seventh
Hawkgirl Saves The Day!

AHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHH!

BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!

RUUUUMBLE!

SPLOOSH!

CLICK!

Shayera--NO!

Shayera...
...no...

The Savage Hawkman #16 Rating: No change. It was a stupid ending to a stupid story that never should have taken place because the end of the issue before Hawkman:Wanted began, Hawkman had Pike and Xerxes and Hawkgirl captured. But he let them go and then immediately regretted letting them go because he began hunting Hawkgirl to get answers. So thanks for leaving this title in such a fucking mess, Liefeld! I'll blame you simply because DC kept putting your name on the cover and also why not?

And just because some of you might actually be curious as to how this mess ended, I'll explain Part:The:Seventh. The screaming was Hawkman and Corsar getting the Nth Metal transfer. The booms were because Shayera sabotaged the equipment. The rumble was because the Aerie was heading into the sun. The sploosh was one of Hawkgirl's bodyguards exploding. The click was Shayera shoving Hawkman and Emma into an escape pod. The rest was Hawkman's reaction to his greatest love that he only just remembered sacrificing herself to save him. And then the ship was seen falling into the sun even though the sun was super far away as seen in the panel I scanned with Corsar checking up on The Flock.

The Savage Hawkman #15

DC, get your fucking act together. These guys aren't fighting each other in this comic book since they already fought each other in Hawkman #14 and Deathstroke #14. And it was the same fight!

I'm not surprised The Savage Hawkman is currently the worst New 52 comic book I'm reading when they still have Rob Liefeld's name on the cover. I think DC knows that this comic book is a complete fucking mess and they're still angry with the way things went down with Rob Liefeld, so they're leaving his name on the cover and leaving the story as confusing and horrible as possible. In other words, DC hates its fans and cares more about making Rob Liefeld look bad than giving its customers quality comic books.

Let me try to sum up the Hawkman:Wanted story: Hawkman and his girlfriend Whatshername captured Shayera, Xerxes, and Pike after they tried to kidnap him and haul him back to Thanagar for the murder of Prince Corsar. Up until the moment Hawkman met Shayera, he just thought he was some human archaeologist that ended up fused with his Nth Metal costume that he tried to burn back in the first issue. Meeting Shayera explains how he got the Nth Metal but it doesn't explain why he forgot who he was or why he wanted to burn the suit in the first place.

Anyway, forget all of that crap because it doesn't matter. Even the part where Hawkman captured everyone doesn't matter. After capturing them, Hawkman lets Shayera, Pike, and Xerxes go at the end of the issue. At the beginning of the next issue, Hawkman is trying to find Shayera so that she'll explain his place in the universe. Why he didn't ask her before letting her go is beyond me. Perhaps the stress of the situation got to him and he panicked. Because now he's after Shayera and Shayera is after him and Xerxes is after him and Pike is after him and this comic is just a pile of bullshit. Can we get a class action fraud lawsuit against DC for selling this as "entertainment" and "a comic book"?

Since Hawkman continuity can't even be kept issue to issue, I'm not sure that this issue will begin with Hawkman and Deathstork Deathstroke about to battle Xerxes and Pike. I'm assuming it will begin like that. But I've already proved that I'm an ass, so nothing is guaranteed.

At least Xerxes is still attacking them although I don't see Pike anywhere!

One of my favorite things is when the writers of comic books comment on their own comics so I don't have to!

I don't envy any of the creative team working on this comic book right now. I'm pretty sure none of them care and they all feel like they're still just cleaning up after Rob Liefeld.

Yeah, you could say that. I also wouldn't rule out "Most Ridiculous" or "Most Ridiculousest" or "Mosterest Ridiculouseresterest."

It's Narration Boxes like this that illuminate the lie of DC caring about continuity at all.

How can DC claim to have any continuity at all when a comic book series like Hawkman exists? What about continuity does DC actually care about? What are the editors of DC's comic books looking for when they try to help keep continuity straight? How can Hawkman make this statement without the reader believing that somebody has brain damage, either Hawkman or the writers or the editors.

First off, Hawkman was being attacked continuously before he even knew he was Thanagarian. People were after him for the Nth Metal which he was researching to find out what it meant to him and why he was linked to it. He easily refers to the Thanagarians as "my people" even though he only recently discovered he was one of them and, of course, it wasn't a big shocking reveal at all. He just somehow got his memories back and he went, "Oh yeah! That's me! And I'm not a murderer!"

On the other hand, I guess I could put this together if I squinted hard enough. So maybe I should just go with it and stop complaining! Tony S. Daniel had hinted that Carter Hall was someone named Katar Hol in one shadowy panel where an alien recognizes him (if I'm remembering correctly!). And the Nth Metal fusing to him was a huge surprising mess so it would lead him, an archaeologist, to go about looking for answers to its origin. It's just from there it devolved into everybody somehow knowing about the Nth Metal and wanting it. Liefeld lost the way because it was easier to simply write villains attacking Hawkman. Just like he wrote Deathstork Deathstroke having villains simply attacking him. And Grifter was a bit different where Daemonites kept attacking him.

Okay, so how about that? I've come to terms with this comic book! DC Continuity is safe for now because I squinted just right and ignored ever so slightly and took slight liberties with my rationality and logic. And voila! The Savage Hawkman!

Well, Pike maybe. But Xerxes doesn't even care about that! Remember? He wants your Nth Metal!

At this point, Pike and Deathstroke and Xerxes and Hawkman and the Warhawks begin fighting. Xerxe's squad of soldiers that arrived with them? I don't know what they're doing. Pizza and beer in New York is my guess. "Hey guys! I'm hungry! You think the bosses have this one handled?"

And handled they do! Pike and Deathstroke have one of those epically legendary fights that only come around once every fifteen years in comic books.

If only Stan Lee could create this kind of brilliant characterization! Pure poetry on the level of E. E. Cummings.

You! Pike!
By Frank Tieri

Please, stop
making me laugh,
Bro.
You made me swallow
my gum.
And good gum is hard to
AARGH!

While these two monsters stab each other with their mean-spirited words, a Warhawk grabs Hawkman by the neck and nearly declares the battle won! Please, sir. You aren't even a named villain! Hawkman tears his wings off and follows it up with a much needed double-splash page that, God fucking help me, actually feels the way this comic book should feel. For one brief moment in time, I like what I see! Savage Hawkman is savage! Deathstroke is being an irreverent dick. And I might have had a mini-stroke because, fuck me, I laughed at this. I'm not going to over analyze why I laughed at it. I don't think I have the fortitude for that kind of soul searching. But I did laugh at it.

Don't you fucking judge me!

I personally would have left the conversation on this page simply at Deathstroke saying, "Hey Xerox! Catch!" instead of having Xerxes correct him and Deathstroke saying, "Like it matters." But then I'm usually a less is more kind of guy which you probably couldn't tell with my long-ass commentary posts!

Perhaps this double splash page is a kind of gateway drug! I've seen that I can enjoy this senseless, mindless pablum if I'm in exactly the right state of mind! I'm actually kind of excited to read the rest of this comic book now!

Well there goes that feeling.

I actually had to look up "bird beating" to see if it was a real thing. You know, like bear baiting and dog fighting. Turns out it isn't although it did lead me to laugh until I cried after reading this horrible article. No, no. It's not that I get off on animals being harmed. It was the last sentence of this last paragraph: "Djuric was accused of beating the bird, a Heermann’s Gull, with a stick after the bird and another gull allegedly went after his and his wife’s ice cream on the boardwalk. The bird was so badly injured it had to be euthanized at the Huntington Beach Wetlands and Wildlife Station. The other gull escaped to the ocean and could not be located."

During the battle, Hawkman has a life changing realization. Why has he been poring over research texts and digging in dirt and translating ancient languages when that never fulfilled him? He thinks to himself, "It's only in battle that I am myself. That I know who and what I truly am." And it only took him 15 issues to figure out why the "Savage" belongs in the title! Yay!

Next issue: Hawkman murders jay walker!

But I'm not done with this issue yet! Pike and Xerxes escape but they leave a trail of blood through the sky for Deathstroke to follow. Hawkman heads off to find Shayera. They decide to meet up later.
Hawkman doesn't know where to look for Shayera so he just goes back to the safe house where Emma is waiting for him. And that's where he finds Shayera! Your homicidal princess queen ex-girlfriend is always in the last place you look.

It's in this confrontation that I realize I made a mistake during my earlier reading. I mentioned that the Warhawks were fighting with Pike and Xerxes and Xerxes army had disappeared. The creatures I thought were Warhawks were actually Xerxes' soldiers! I just didn't realize that they had wings like the Warhawks. I was wondering why the Warhawks were suddenly so ugly when they were more cleaned up and military in Green Arrow. I noticed because Hawkman makes a big deal about Shayera running around with Xerxes' thugs. I'm pretty sure this change was made so Hawkman could be more savage. While he was fighting the Warhawks, he was concerned about them simply doing their military job. But Xerxes' ugly ass monster soldiers are pure evil (apparently) and thus can be killed indiscriminately.

Excuse me but the Czarnians are already dead. Thank you.

Since Xerxes is here collecting the bounty that probably means Deathstroke is right around the corner ready to save Hawkman's life! Because he followed the trail of blood!

Except Deathstroke doesn't interrupt the meeting at all. Perhaps he's on Pike's trail. Or perhaps he'll show up next issue for the last part of Hawkman:Wanted to help save the day. The person that interrupts Hawkman's capture is none other than Prince Corsar himself! Super duper surprise twist!

Except for, you know, the part about everybody knowing this was going to happen.

Well then. If Corsar is alive then Katar Hol is innocent and he is now free to go! Everybody break it up! Move along! Nothing more to see here!

After Deathstroke and Hawkman defeat Corsar and Shayera apologizes to Katar Hol (even though Katar still maimed him horribly in the accident instead of killing him in the accident), will the story become a love triangle between Hawkman, Hawkgirl, and Emma?

The Savage Hawkman #15 Rating: No change. I'm usually against writers coming on to a title and completely forgetting what's happened in previous issues and beginning the story from an entirely new place with a different theme and with the title character acting completely contrary to the way he or she's been acting up until then, but I think I'll let that slide on this title! Let's get a new writer on this thing to just start the mess over entirely. Perhaps this could all have been a dream he was dreaming while in a coma dealing with the Nth Metal fusing with his body after a hunter found him in the forest near death. I'm pretty sure that's what Ann Nocenti recommended to Rob Liefeld on this title. So I agree with Ann Nocenti! I think I did have a slight stroke earlier today.

The Savage Hawkman #13

Even though Liefeld is gone, the plot of this book continues to be "somebody attacks Hawkman."

Here at the end of October 2012, I have The Savage Hawkman listed as the worst comic book in The New 52. Liefeld didn't kill it but he helped keep it horrible. It was never very good when Tony Daniel was writing it and then Liefeld took it in a whole new direction that made it even less interesting. I'm not surprised it made the Fourth Wave cut because DC is probably hesitant to cancel any of their comics headed by their biggest names. They don't mind jettisoning the Wildstorm stuff though. Grifter didn't make the cut and I have that ranked at #51! So that was a well-deserved shitcanning.
Frankenstein at #14 and Blue Beetle at #32 were also cancelled. I think Frank is probably rated a bit too high and Blue Beetle a bit too low on my rankings (which you can see if you visit my actual tumblr page) but I'm pretty sure they were cancelled simply due to low popularity of their characters. Blue Beetle was a pleasantly well-written surprise.

Legion Lost at #46 was also cancelled! That's too bad! I was so very interested to find out how they were going to spend their time while stuck in the past. I was hoping the drama would eventually die down and they'd end up just sitting around playing video games and ordering take-out.

Last of them all, G.I. Combat at #42 finally ran out of war stories. This one was only ranked as high as it was because when I began reading it, I just stuck it in one of the free slots in the rankings left by one of the previously cancelled titles. If DC throws in yet another War Book with the Fourth Wave, I'm officially done reading The New 52. I'll just move on to my other writing projects I've been ignoring. I'm serious, DC. The readers have spoken twice now. Stop giving us fucking crap war stories!

The opening page makes me suspect The Savage Hawkman isn't going to be getting any better.

I could be wrong because I don't have an encyclopaedic knowledge of all of the comic books I've read so far, but I'm pretty sure Carter Hall only realized he's an alien that escaped to Earth at the end of Issue #12. He's been attacked by people wanting the Nth armor since around issue #8. I have a feeling even the new writer, Mark Poulton, didn't really read the series. He just sort of scanned it and is now trying to make sense of it himself. Basically, The Savage Hawkman is about to take a new direction based on the Zero Issue and forget all of the old, boring archaeology bullshit that was boring and bullshit.

Let me take that bit back where I said Mark Poulton is writing this thing. His name is on the cover under Rob Liefeld (yes, his influence is still all over this turd) but not in the credits. The credits still say "Plot - Rob Liefeld, Dialogue - Frank Tieri." Maybe it's better that nobody knows who is responsible for this comic book. I have a feeling nobody is ever going to feel proud about having worked on it.

In the first three pages, Emma (Carter's love interest that instantly went from awkward flirtation to full-fledged girlfriend in the space of one change of writers) calls the Thanagarians "Tweety" and "Pigeons." She's become a crack shot with a laser and she doesn't have an ounce of fear. Hopefully Emma wasn't anyone's favorite character because it's apparent her characterization doesn't fucking matter. As long as Hawkman has a woman in his life, it doesn't matter that her personality is unstable. I don't mean she's like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. I mean she doesn't have a distinct personality! It changes depending on what the scene needs from the love interest!

Hawkman and Emma try to make their escape but as Shayera (Hawkgirl!) points out, the Thanagarians are "wonderful warriors" with wonderful weapons. She manages to pin him to a wall by his wings. She mentions she'll have no problem crucifying him if he doesn't come along. And even though she's had no problem with any other English words so far, including crucify, she apparently doesn't know everything.

If you suspect the reader to suspend her disbelief enough not wonder why an alien race is managing a conversation in English, don't break him out of it by having the alien suddenly not understand a word or two.

Carter Hall and Emma are captured and taken aboard Shayera's ship. Except they don't even make it up the ramp when everything suddenly explodes!

I guess this is why this issue is called "The Enemy of my Enemy."

I guess Xerxes is making good his threat! Here's the last time he was seen in the comic book back in Issue #10.

Internet Research: The Chinvat Bridge is the link between the land of the living and the land of the dead in Zoroastrianism.

The dialogue in this comic book is truly painful. Every comment from every character comes from a position of power. They're all speaking as if they're the baddest ass on the playing field and they all make, as Shayera explicitly states, "cute little comments." Even Emma didn't feel threatened even though she's suddenly been confronted by strange life from another world with advanced technology like nothing she's ever imagined. She just pulls out a laser and calls them pigeons because what use is their in trying to come up with a way to escape and survive? Might as well piss them all off by shooting one of them in the face while the others kill you.

Perhaps I should make a rule in the new year that at the end of each month, I'll drop whichever comic book I've decided is the worst in The New 52? I just can't imagine reading much more of The Savage Hawkman. I don't have anything new to say about it. The dialogue is inane and trite. The action is constant but not in a way that drives the plot forward. The action is the plot. Hawkman can't even begin a plot because the next person wanting the Nth metal comes along and beats him up. And now Xerxes is back to do it again. I might as well just fucking reread Issue #10.

I'm glad I don't own a gun because the barrel of it would be in my mouth right now. Shayera tells Xerxes she doesn't know who he is and she doesn't care. So later, Xerxes says, "As for who I am? All you need to know is blah blah blah." Dude. She said she didn't care! And now you're acting as if you're keeping information from her and using it in a ridiculous taunt.

During the ridiculous conversation (oh, and the fight, I guess), Emma escapes into one of the ships (I can't tell if she's stowing away in Pike's ship or the Thanagarian ship). The only reason I suspect it could be Pike's ship because immediately after Emma escapes, Pike takes off too.

Who the hell is Pike and why does he have such advanced technology? He sounds human with that "E.T." comment.

After Hawkman beats up Xerxes again, my question is answered as Pike turns his ship's guns on Hawkman.

Great plan! Or she just got lucky?

Now that Hawkman has subdued the three antagonists, Emma asks him, "What do we do with these guys now?" Hawkman says, "I have an idea. Though I sincerely doubt any of them will like it." But that idea is never expressed adequately in the art. What I believe he did was destroy the Thanagarian ship, loaded them on Pike's ship, and shot them into space on a preprogrammed route. But that's just speculation! Especially since I don't think Pike's ship is capable of long range space flight!

The Savage Hawkman #13 Rating: I almost gave it a negative one Rank! I forgot it's sitting at the bottom already! Hopefully this fucking comic will take a new route sometime soon. Get a real writer on this book and put a fucking story in it.

The Savage Hawkman #12

Pike is so tiny compared to Hawkman. With stubby little arms!

The sad news has broken: Rob Liefeld has quit DC Comics. His reasons were that he was sick and tired of fighting with editorial about every little decision. And since I'm reading The New 52 and some of the worst moments have been caused by editorial, I believe him. Also, I've always hated being micromanaged at any job I've ever done. I understand DC wants to keep continuity but it doesn't sound like they're going about it the right way. And their world building bullshit which forces the writer's to use other characters from other titles every few issues must be a complete pain in the writers' collective asses. Being used to doing freelance work, I don't blame Liefeld for leaving.

On the other eight hands, if I had to edit Liefeld's stories, my fucking head would explode. If what I've been reading is Liefeld having won 80% of his battles against the editors, I can't imagine what kind of a train wreck it would be if he'd had complete control! In my mind, the editors weren't fighting hard enough to make the comics as good as they could be. And look at it this way, Liefeld: you got to kill Lobo! Oh, sure, they probably let you because Lobo's regenerative powers can handle pretty much anything. But still! You really got to kill Lobo! Sort of. I mean, really, an explosion? That was all it took to kill him? But still. You had the opportunity to have Deathstroke kill Lobo and really make it cool and interesting and have a big knock down drag out fight with two of the meanest, baddest assed DC characters and you have Deathstroke run away and then come back to have Lobo die in an explosion.

Hmm. You know what? Have fun doing whatever you're going to do! Best wishes but I won't be reading any other shit you produce. Ever! Good riddance! I mean, Good luck! Oh, wait. I still have to read this comic book and then all three Issue Zeroes you worked on. I'm celebrating too soon!

Back to Hawkman, I wonder what Liefeld and Poulton will teach me in the Narration Boxes on the first page of this issue of Hawkman! Elementary school oral report time!

Oh goody! We're learning about Mercenaries today! Be sure to note your sources, Liefeld! Source for this Narration Box: www.merriam-webster.com!

Interesting. Could you expound on this point a bit?

You know, I've never thought of it in quite that way!

Source: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, 1988.

Sure, sure. If you ignore the fact that the other side used them too and failed in their endeavor.

Thanks for that oral report, Robby. C minus!

 

During all of that, the first page panels are just replaying Pike shooting Hawkman. And then there's a little scene in which Rob must have won one of his 80% battles. Because at the end of last issue, Emma was cradling Hawkman on the roof after he'd been shot. Pike descended beside them to say some shit and end with, "I'm Pike and it's my absolute pleasure to kill you, Hawkman." To which Carter replies, "You've taken your best shot, 'Pike.' Now allow me to return the favor."

But this issue begins with Hawkman being shot and falling off of the roof before any conversation happens at all. And then Pike dives on Hawkman as Hawkman falls (because Pike falls at a faster rate than Hawkman? Oh! His wings probably cause his descent to slow and Pike must have been shooting his rifle at near point blank range) and begins to have a conversation with him that completely ignores last issue's conversation.

Oh, okay! Now he wants Hawkman alive!

Rob, I have absolutely no sympathy for the fact that you were constantly battling the editors. Fuck continuity and the weird shit they may not want you to do with their characters. But it's their job to make sure that when these comics are published in a trade paperback, the story flows from one issue to the next. Can you imagine reading this mess in the trade paperback? "Oh, hey, this scene was just repeated twice in two very different ways. That's a bit odd! I wonder what happ...oh. Rob Liefeld was plotting this fucker." One of Rob's tweets mentioned how editors work for the freelancers and they should be fired occasionally so that they know who is in charge. And I'm not big fan of editorial controlling what a writer's doing. But this is the kind of shit that happens when an artist that thinks he's a writer ignores editorial. Or maybe editorial didn't like the way you ended last issue and they wanted you to change the whole scene in this issue and ignore what happened before. If that was the case (it's not. No way in hell that's the case), then by all means your point about interference is well-founded! You stick it to the man!

And then I found something more interesting to read on the internet than this fecal matter disguised as a comic book: Rob Liefeld versus Scott Snyder on Twitter!

Rob Liefeld: It’s not you. It never has been. It’s Batman.
Scott Snyder:I can assure you batman doesn’t sell the way it does because it’s Batman. It sells that way because of me and Greg (Capullo).
Rob Liefeld: Get over yourself you pretentious prick @Ssnyder1835
Rob Liefeld: Been berated in DM’s by @Ssnyder1835 this morning. Excuse me if I don’t marvel at your amazing abilities to write Batman. Piss off.
Rob Liefeld: I’d like to think that if your going to wave your ego around on Batman you’d remember all that came before you. Holeee crap
Rob Liefeld: Average Batman book sells 80k. ‘Nuff said.
Scott Snyder: Nice! Your Twitter feeds the best thing you’ve written all year :-)
Rob Liefeld: Of course, because its not edited
Scott Snyder: Aw, I’ll give you credit Rob! :) Batman might sell inspite of me and @GregCapullo as u say, but deathstroke & Hawkman failed because of you!
Scott Snyder: Credit where it’s due, brother :-) and that’s all I’ll say on that. Ah, comics.
Rob Liefeld: my sales went up on those books @Ssnyder1835 sorry bud.
Scott Snyder: Lol. And you can put that in your pouch and keep it for later :-)
Rob Liefeld: one word, HAUNT. 2 words SWAMP THING – not all creations equal
Rob Liefeld: Batman is the number one selling character in the history of the biz. Period. End of story. Will endure beyond creator careers

Rob has a point about Batman titles selling since Dark Knight and Detective suck but they seem to be surviving just fine. But it sidesteps the real issue. The current run of Batman with Capullo and Snyder at the helm is a fucking fantastic book. It hasn't been number one on my ranking list since Issue #1 because I'm a Batman fanboy. The book is number one because it's being written so well.

Also, Snyder saying that Deathstroke and Hawkman failed because of Rob is harsh. Before Rob was even given Hawkman (by Tony Daniel) and Grifter (by Nathan Edmondson), they were either at the bottom of my rankings or very near. They were given to Rob because they sucked and DC wanted something to change. Now when Rob says the numbers jumped because of him, I have to agree. But not because he's doing better work than the previous writers. Oh fucking lord he's not. But because Liefeld has fans that like his shit. And comic book readers follow the writers and artists they like from book to book. So of course there was an initial jump and probably a round of Liefeld fans proclaiming the books are suddenly awesome. But they aren't. They are poorly written.

And in reference to that part where I say I'm not a Batman fanboy and somebody wants to go back through the shit I've written to find all of the times I proclaim "Batman could do that!" or "Batman could kick his ass!" or whatnot, that's fucking hyperbole. I say those things because of Rob's point about Batman. DC loves that fucker. He can do no wrong! If I were reading Marvel in the same way, I'd just replace "Batman" with "Wolverine." Same deal. I should probably get back to reading Hawkman now!

On the very next page, Hawkman is all better. He takes to the air in an effort to gain the advantage. But Pike is able to swing from wires and dance on rooftops and keep up with Hawkman who apparently doesn't want to fly too high. Oh yeah, Pike also shows more of his love for television as he calls Hawkman "Harvey Birdman" and "Tweety Bird." The wit on this guy is fucking huge. Women's jaws drop when they see this sucker.

Pike eventually climbs up to a rooftop where he's parked Lobo's space hog. He takes off on it and Hawkman pursues him. If I were Hawkman, I'd just let him go. Although I imagine Pike intends to turn around and fight him at some point. He seems to want Hawkman to fight with him at any rate.

Yes! Please stop with the internal monologue! Although I don't know how Pike can read it. Is Pike related to Deadpool?

Pike shoots a steel cable which wraps around Hawkman and constricts him.

It really is beginning to sound like a young romance novel!

And I add this caption just for grammar posterity.

I'm still thinking about Pike's pop culture references. I know I make a lot of old references but I'm not trying to sell a product to the young'ns! Love Boat. Gilligan's Island. Tweety Bird. I guess Harvey Birdman is the newest one he's thrown out their so far and that's still about five years old.

Eventually Hawkman and Emma catch Pike and his smart-ass space hog (yes, it speaks and it's female). Using a GPS device Hawkman took off of the motorcycle, they find Pike's hidden spaceship floating over Tuscany. The subsequent conversation plays out like a discussion from one of Soy Rakelson's Warhammer games that he would take us through in high school.

And this is probably the best dialogue in the book so far!

After claiming that Hawkman can't touch him if he doesn't spill the beans, Pike spills the beans. The Kherubim pulled the Daemonites out of the Bleed (or something. I think this has been gone over in Stormwatch or Grifter or Voodoo or Superman) to work for them. But the Daemonites rebelled and destroyed the Kherubim. Then the Daemonites traveled to Thanagar to destroy it. Thanagar doesn't want to be destroyed though! So they have sent people in search of Hawkman and his Nth metal because they think he can save the day. I guess while Grifter is the Chosen One for Earth, Hawkman is the Chosen One for Thanagar.

Only one slight problem with Pike's explanation.

The Daemonites are not led by Helspont. He was a prisoner in Stormwatch's The Eye of the Storm until he escaped and ended up in Superman. In Superman, he told Supes how the other Daemonites became envious and fearful of Helspont, so they rose up against him and imprisoned him. Now Helspont is working with Grifter (sort of) and Voodoo (kind of) to take over Earth himself and wipe out the other Daemonites. So unless this story Pike is telling is ancient (and his verb tenses make it seem current), it's a bunch of continuity fucking hooey!

After story time, Pike sets off some kind of magic gas from The Bleed which incapacitates Emma and Carter. Pike then drags them outside to await the person (or bird maiden!) who hired Pike. The ship descends and out steps Hawkwoman! Maybe. I don't know since I haven't turned the page yet! But, come on! Pike basically just revealed that. And he said his boss was a woman.

Hawkwoman seems to have a terrific set of *error* *error* Memory overflow!

As soon as Hawkwoman speaks, Carter Hall remembers everything. He remembers being in love with her. He remembers being Katar Hol. He remembers that she vowed to kill him when last they saw each other. I wonder if he remembers why he was out in the woods trying to burn the Nth Metal when we first met him way back in Issue #1. Because I'd like to know all about that! Maybe it'll be explained in Issue #0. But I doubt it since that was part of Tony Daniel's story arc and not Rob Liefeld's.

The Savage Hawkman #12 Rating: It's at the fucking bottom of the heap! How much further can I drop this turd?

The Savage Hawkman #11

Why does Hawkman have on white gloves? Is that a normal part of his costume I've missed up until this point? Was he butlering before transforming?

Last issue, I invented the super villain "Tic Tac Foe." If anybody steals that name, they'll live to regret it! Not because I'll do anything to them but because everybody will laugh at the stupid super villain they made. I'm the only one that can make him entertaining! I made myself laugh while rereading my commentary on Hawkman #10 when I said, "Fist! Center Square!" Tic Tac Foe, I love you!

Carter Hall and Emma decided to travel the world researching Nth Metal. I guess Emma's job and life and family and friends will be okay until she gets back. No use letting anybody know you're on the run. At least drop work a postcard saying you're taking a few sick days.

Before I opened The Savage Hawkman #11, I wondered, "What in-depth lesson will Liefeld and Bennett be teaching me this month?" And I wasn't disappointed! Let's learn about Rome the Eternal City, shall we?

Hawkman fans should be rioting in the streets because of this awful tripe apathetically fed to them each month.

It's hard to believe that while enjoying the sights and sounds of Rome that anything scandalous could ever have happened there! But if you squint just right while enjoying a glass of wine in the little corner cafe, you might catch a glimpse of the Black Iron Prison underneath. You'll suddenly realize that nothing has ever changed and Christians are still being persecuted by power hungry tyrants and barbarians are waiting just beyond the gates. You'll feel the shackles turning your wrists into shredded, bloody pulp. The crack of an invisible whip will sting your cheek and then rough, calloused hands will begin to poke and grope at your nether regions. The vomit will spew forth across the tiny patio and you'll topple out of your chair. The server will tsk loudly and mutter under his breath, "Americano."

Or, you know, maybe the city just "has its share of scandals and secrets." Whatever.

Carter and Emma are in Rome to see a priest. He's not just any priest, mind you!

My guess is Liefeld's entire job plotting this comic was, "Hey! Angels have wings! Hawkman has wings! Do something with that! And make sure Hawkman fights some guy with Saint in his name. Cool. Now I have to get back to drawing more lines on Slade Wilson's face. He's just not grim enough yet."

Hawkman shows the scandalous priest with secrets Roman priest a document that he believes represents a connection between heaven and earth. The priest takes a look at it and spews inanity so beautiful that it must be divinely inspired.

"You know, Signor Hawkman, my study of history has provided me with the knowledge that ancient texts are rumored to exist! Now, I have ancient texts speaking of ancient texts. And all these subjects I mentioned that are spoken of in the ancient texts of the Bible, supposedly ancient texts exist that speak of these things! History tells us many things, you know! Sometimes if you get history drunk, history will tell you many secret and scandalous things as well! Did you know that bloodsports were rumored to have begun with the Etruscans? It's true! Also, history long tells us that hawks are birds of prey!"

I'm pretty sure I could write a better Hawkman story five minutes before blacking out from drinking too much whisky. And I'd do it while shitting my pants and crying. Let me make a future project note here: "Write Hawkman script while maudlin, shitting, and on the verge of oblivion."

After showing the priest his documents, Carter Hall suggests that angels and other heavenly creatures were really aliens. Instead of disagreeing politely and having a rational discussion like you'd expect from someone interested in knowledge and research, the priest becomes an instant cliche.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down, Signorant! Ha ha! See what I did there, Emma? Signor and ignorant? Whew. Too funny."

Who is the priest's protector? Well, if you looked at the front cover, you won't be surprised to find it's St. Bastion! He's a bastion of inflamed ignorance.

"By the virgin's tears, St. Bastion! The door! Use the God almighty door! Christ."

As St. Bastion crashes to the ground, Carter Hall explains to new readers how his schtick works. How many issues in do we have to get in a series before all the explanatory narration boxes disappear? Will Issue 48 still explain how the Nth Metal manifests into powerful armor and wings and weapons which turns Carter Hall into Hawkman? I meant that theoretically since there's no way this series will survive the Fourth Wave. I also meant it generically since every title in The New 52 feels the need to over explain every little thing as if they expect new readers are jumping on each title every month as opposed to the actual numbers that show readers simply dropping more and more titles each month.
But I guess explanatory notes are better than having to read Carter Hall say things like this:

With Nth Metal, I don't start fights, I finish them!

Psst. Mr. Poulton. Or Mr. Liefeld. The semicolon. It is a friend!

Hawkman tells Emma, "Take cover! I'll handle this." It was really 50/50 whether he'd ask for her help to battle this guy or not. She should actually get into a fist fight with the priest!

Emma: "It's been a long time since my last confession, Father! But I must confess, I've been dying to punch you!"
Priest: "I'm sorry to hear that, child! I recommend five Hail Marys and a knuckle sandwich!"
Emma: "I didn't order take out! I hope your jaw takes refunds!"
Priest: "You just bounced your last check! Let's see how your head bounces off the baptismal font!"
Emma: "When I'm through with you, you're going to have to be born again!"
Priest: "HOW DARE YOU! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU BRING THAT SHIT INTO MY CATHOLIC SANCTUARY!"

Comics are so easy to write when quality doesn't fucking matter!

St. Bastion declares that he wears the "Armor of God." This causes Hawkman to think Narration Box:

Armor of God versus Armor of the Gods. Is this even a fair fight?

I don't know! Does Hawkman think it's not a fair fight because his Armor has multiple Gods behind it (which I don't even understand. Since when did Nth Metal become the "Armor of Gods"? Or does he mean nothing can stand up to the armor of the "one true Jewish Christian God"? Hawkman thinks this while getting kicked across the church, so maybe he believes in God Almighty. It's hard to tell since he's still suffering from a fledgling personality. Ha ha!

Well, at least I got the fight I asked for! Although not as stupidly entertaining as the scene I wrote.

"Transubstantiate this, motherfucker!"

It's about here, eight pages in, that the comic book wins. My brains begin to liquify. I feel a twitch in my right eye that will remain for weeks. I continue to read but I'm paralyzed by too many choices. What do I comment on? Do I scan every one of Hawkman's horrible Narration Boxes? Maybe it's time to just use blockquotes and comment on each of those? Maybe if I just take small steps, I can make it through. First, let me start with the exact moment where my brain began to slushify.

Yeah, I understand his anger to. Because the appropriate response when somebody says something that contradicts your beliefs is to kill the fuck out of them.

After a lot of pummeling and use of the word "beast", St. Bastion gets the upper hand. He has Hawkman pinned to the ground when Hawkman actually does a little Narration Boxing that I agree with.

Here's the thing with religious zealots: they usually twist their opponents words from what they are actually saying to the "truth" they wish their opponent had actually said.

My high school friend Soy Rakelson (remember him from previous commentaries? Name changed to protect my innocence?) had this bizarre tactic where he would try to get the other person to use the word "evil." Once the word came up, he would simply get into his automated argument locomotive about if evil exists than a devil exists thus God exists. Or something. I learned early on to derail this stupid train by shouting loudly that I didn't think of "evil" in the same way he did and I was truly fucking sorry that I even ever mentioned the word. Anyway, Hawkman continues even though he should have quit while he was making sense:

They're blind in their unwillingness to see the other's side which inevitably leaves them susceptible, leading to their eventual downfall.

Now, the silly thing about this Narration Boxing is that it parallels the fight scene where St. Bastion has the other hand but somehow Hawkman turns it around and beats the crap out of St. Bastion. Is the Narration Boxing supposed to explain how Hawkman turned it around? Is St. Bastion's fighting style equatable to his methods of debate? I don't know. It's really just Liefeld's way of turning a fight around. He did it last issue in Hawkman's fight against Xerxes as well. Xerxes had the upper hand and then Hawkman started Narration Boxing about history or something and voila! Hawkman suddenly had the upper hand!

Hawkman takes Emma and the scrolls (which apparently weren't even the original scrolls anyway?) and leaves the church to burn. He then continues with the Narration Boxing because Liefeld doesn't actually know how to tell a story via the medium of comic books. Notice I'm scanning or blockquoting mostly the Narration Boxes? Because they're what's driving the story. The artwork really isn't needed. Which makes this a shitty comic book.

He can't even keep his point of view straight! "I'm" to "their"! Fuck me.

Besides the switch from first to third person in those boxes, Hawkman realizes the same thing he realized last issue (because these last two issues were basically the exact same story): Without the Nth metal, he'd be dead! Guess what, you moron! It's the Nth Metal that's causing all the attacks on your life. So without the Nth Metal, you'd be alive and back in New York watching television. It reminds me of the time Ricky Gervais on The Daily Show talking about a man who was in a car accident. A pipe shot through the car and pierced the man's fat so that, luckily, no internal organs were hit. The man thanked his fat for saving his life. Ricky pointed out, of course, that if the guy were skinny, the pipe would have passed right by him and missed him completely!

I also identified with Ricky's story because my Roller Playing Game (it's "Roller" playing game because you roll dice, jerk!), Places and Predators, has a class called The Fat Guy. He gets the Special Skill "Blubber" that lets him reduce all damage by 1-6 points because no vital organs were hit. I created that Skill and Class before hearing Ricky's story, by the way. Just to keep that clear!

After Hawkman lands, he's shot through the chest by Pike. Remember Pike? He was tailing them last issue making Love Boat and Gilligan's Island references. And once again, Hawkman thanks the Nth Metal for saving his life because the bullet would have killed him otherwise. Except, you know, ad nauseum, rinse repeat, Hawkman wouldn't have been shot if not for the Nth Metal.

The Savage Hawkman #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'd give it -2 if that wouldn't drop it down to Rank #53! This comic book is jizz dripping down a rest stop bathroom wall. 'Nuff said!