The Savage Hawkman #16

Everyone stand up and applaud! THE CONCLUSION!

In celebration of the end of one of the most poorly written and poorly put together plots I've read in my 25 years of reading comic books (and I read DC Challenge, dammit!), I am writing a poem in place of the usual commentary. Before you begin reading, please pour yourself a glass of wine, or fix a nice tumbler of scotch or pop open a forty. Relax. And even though I know you were expecting a lot of swearing and dick jokes, please enjoy this presentation of high brow literature.

Hawkman:Wanted:Conclusion
Part:The:First
Torture!

AAAHHHHH!
The Hawkman screams.
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



As if flying overhead,
(as opposed to strapped into no-strap hovering holo-manacles)
it cries its cry of crying:
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



Shayera's lips move
But the words disappear like seagulls diving into a foetid bay
Searching for sustenance but only finding
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!


Shut the fuck up, Hawkman! I'm trying to fucking recite poetry here!

Grim torture and death
Delivered by buzzed beach going teens
Simply looking to fornicate drunkenly.

"Why doth the Hawkman scream its scream?"
The inexplicably repentant Shayera asks
As she searches her mind for the appropriate cliché
Responses.

Expected turns of phrase which satisfy no one
Except Frank Tieri who cashes his paycheck for a job done.

It is now the screaming of the Hawkgirl
Filling the empty spaces within panels.
"How could you do this to me, Corsar?"
"How could you lie to me, Corsar?"
"How could you do this to your people, Corsar?"

The answer? Obvious.
(To the five loyal readers of The Savage Hawkman,
Who have seen the same plot played out over and over
As if Frank Tieri and Rob Liefeld knew the definition of
"Theme" or "Motif" or "Literary Device")
The answer screamed the scream of the half-hawkman, Corsar
amidst the screams already screamingly scrummed:

AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL!



Screaming replaced by choking
Choking. Choking. Choking.
Great Ixthultu, the CHOKING!
Corsar chokes off Shayera's screams.
Hawkman chokes off Corsar's screams.
The great multi-armed beast
(from who fucking knows where)
Chokes off Hakwman's screams.

Comcast chokes off my poetry calling to scream about
Who knows what since I tell them,
"Fuck. Off. If I want something, I'll call you."
Did Walt Whitman have to deal with these kinds of distractions?
Or were his distractions merely of the half-naked young men at play on the beach variety?

Part:The:Second
THRAXAS!

great old ones!
gods of thanagar!
gods!
living among hawk-people!
or just long-lived ancient ancestors?

THRAXAS be he THRAXAS we see THRAXAS me pee

great old ones!
out of the machine!
to solve the problems!
of all hawk-kind!
his voice!
like screams!

but more rational and well thought out and in a cadence that is really quite lovely, actually.

great old ones!
hold answers!
"teleport the nth metal!
out of meek young one!
into other meek young one!
voila!"

Part:The:Third
Shayera!

"Excuse me but that sounds dangerous."

Part:The:Fourth
A Picture of a Flying Ship!



Part:The:Fifth
What happened to Deathstroke and Pike!

It doesn't matter!
Frank Tieri teaches us that life is messy.
Answers are the rarest thing in life.
Do not wonder if Deathstroke ever replaced
Pike's gum.
Turn your mind away from things you can't know,
Things you will never know,
Things that were not meant for you.

If you could survive this long not knowing what
Happened to Poison Ivy in Birds of Prey,
You can live with never knowing if Deathstroke
Ever found Pike again.

Part:The:Sixth
Birds Rule!

The war behind it all continues!
Thanagar versus Daemonite versus Czarnian!
Except the Czarnians are all dead.
So why hasn't someone told Emperor Corsar?
Or told Writer Frank Tieri?
Or told Editor Harvey Richards?


When did the moon gets its own fucking moon?

Corsar prepares his Flock to Nest upon the Earth!
Eagle in Tinasha! CHECK!
Hummingbird in Pakistan! CHECK!
Iron Dragon in Alaska! CHECK!
(Iron Dragon? Did Frank Tieri run out of birds after thinking up two?
At least it's still a flying, if fictional, animal.)
Magma on Heard Island. CHECK!
(That doesn't make any sense at all for the Flock theme)
Nigel in the Andes. CHECK!
(Oh for fuck's sake! You're not even trying now!)

The next plot is foreshadowed,
If The Savage Hawkman makes it past Issue #17.

Part:The:Seventh
Hawkgirl Saves The Day!

AHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHH!

BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!

RUUUUMBLE!

SPLOOSH!

CLICK!

Shayera--NO!

Shayera...
...no...

The Savage Hawkman #16 Rating: No change. It was a stupid ending to a stupid story that never should have taken place because the end of the issue before Hawkman:Wanted began, Hawkman had Pike and Xerxes and Hawkgirl captured. But he let them go and then immediately regretted letting them go because he began hunting Hawkgirl to get answers. So thanks for leaving this title in such a fucking mess, Liefeld! I'll blame you simply because DC kept putting your name on the cover and also why not?

And just because some of you might actually be curious as to how this mess ended, I'll explain Part:The:Seventh. The screaming was Hawkman and Corsar getting the Nth Metal transfer. The booms were because Shayera sabotaged the equipment. The rumble was because the Aerie was heading into the sun. The sploosh was one of Hawkgirl's bodyguards exploding. The click was Shayera shoving Hawkman and Emma into an escape pod. The rest was Hawkman's reaction to his greatest love that he only just remembered sacrificing herself to save him. And then the ship was seen falling into the sun even though the sun was super far away as seen in the panel I scanned with Corsar checking up on The Flock.

The Savage Hawkman #15

DC, get your fucking act together. These guys aren't fighting each other in this comic book since they already fought each other in Hawkman #14 and Deathstroke #14. And it was the same fight!

I'm not surprised The Savage Hawkman is currently the worst New 52 comic book I'm reading when they still have Rob Liefeld's name on the cover. I think DC knows that this comic book is a complete fucking mess and they're still angry with the way things went down with Rob Liefeld, so they're leaving his name on the cover and leaving the story as confusing and horrible as possible. In other words, DC hates its fans and cares more about making Rob Liefeld look bad than giving its customers quality comic books.

Let me try to sum up the Hawkman:Wanted story: Hawkman and his girlfriend Whatshername captured Shayera, Xerxes, and Pike after they tried to kidnap him and haul him back to Thanagar for the murder of Prince Corsar. Up until the moment Hawkman met Shayera, he just thought he was some human archaeologist that ended up fused with his Nth Metal costume that he tried to burn back in the first issue. Meeting Shayera explains how he got the Nth Metal but it doesn't explain why he forgot who he was or why he wanted to burn the suit in the first place.

Anyway, forget all of that crap because it doesn't matter. Even the part where Hawkman captured everyone doesn't matter. After capturing them, Hawkman lets Shayera, Pike, and Xerxes go at the end of the issue. At the beginning of the next issue, Hawkman is trying to find Shayera so that she'll explain his place in the universe. Why he didn't ask her before letting her go is beyond me. Perhaps the stress of the situation got to him and he panicked. Because now he's after Shayera and Shayera is after him and Xerxes is after him and Pike is after him and this comic is just a pile of bullshit. Can we get a class action fraud lawsuit against DC for selling this as "entertainment" and "a comic book"?

Since Hawkman continuity can't even be kept issue to issue, I'm not sure that this issue will begin with Hawkman and Deathstork Deathstroke about to battle Xerxes and Pike. I'm assuming it will begin like that. But I've already proved that I'm an ass, so nothing is guaranteed.

At least Xerxes is still attacking them although I don't see Pike anywhere!

One of my favorite things is when the writers of comic books comment on their own comics so I don't have to!

I don't envy any of the creative team working on this comic book right now. I'm pretty sure none of them care and they all feel like they're still just cleaning up after Rob Liefeld.

Yeah, you could say that. I also wouldn't rule out "Most Ridiculous" or "Most Ridiculousest" or "Mosterest Ridiculouseresterest."

It's Narration Boxes like this that illuminate the lie of DC caring about continuity at all.

How can DC claim to have any continuity at all when a comic book series like Hawkman exists? What about continuity does DC actually care about? What are the editors of DC's comic books looking for when they try to help keep continuity straight? How can Hawkman make this statement without the reader believing that somebody has brain damage, either Hawkman or the writers or the editors.

First off, Hawkman was being attacked continuously before he even knew he was Thanagarian. People were after him for the Nth Metal which he was researching to find out what it meant to him and why he was linked to it. He easily refers to the Thanagarians as "my people" even though he only recently discovered he was one of them and, of course, it wasn't a big shocking reveal at all. He just somehow got his memories back and he went, "Oh yeah! That's me! And I'm not a murderer!"

On the other hand, I guess I could put this together if I squinted hard enough. So maybe I should just go with it and stop complaining! Tony S. Daniel had hinted that Carter Hall was someone named Katar Hol in one shadowy panel where an alien recognizes him (if I'm remembering correctly!). And the Nth Metal fusing to him was a huge surprising mess so it would lead him, an archaeologist, to go about looking for answers to its origin. It's just from there it devolved into everybody somehow knowing about the Nth Metal and wanting it. Liefeld lost the way because it was easier to simply write villains attacking Hawkman. Just like he wrote Deathstork Deathstroke having villains simply attacking him. And Grifter was a bit different where Daemonites kept attacking him.

Okay, so how about that? I've come to terms with this comic book! DC Continuity is safe for now because I squinted just right and ignored ever so slightly and took slight liberties with my rationality and logic. And voila! The Savage Hawkman!

Well, Pike maybe. But Xerxes doesn't even care about that! Remember? He wants your Nth Metal!

At this point, Pike and Deathstroke and Xerxes and Hawkman and the Warhawks begin fighting. Xerxe's squad of soldiers that arrived with them? I don't know what they're doing. Pizza and beer in New York is my guess. "Hey guys! I'm hungry! You think the bosses have this one handled?"

And handled they do! Pike and Deathstroke have one of those epically legendary fights that only come around once every fifteen years in comic books.

If only Stan Lee could create this kind of brilliant characterization! Pure poetry on the level of E. E. Cummings.

You! Pike!
By Frank Tieri

Please, stop
making me laugh,
Bro.
You made me swallow
my gum.
And good gum is hard to
AARGH!

While these two monsters stab each other with their mean-spirited words, a Warhawk grabs Hawkman by the neck and nearly declares the battle won! Please, sir. You aren't even a named villain! Hawkman tears his wings off and follows it up with a much needed double-splash page that, God fucking help me, actually feels the way this comic book should feel. For one brief moment in time, I like what I see! Savage Hawkman is savage! Deathstroke is being an irreverent dick. And I might have had a mini-stroke because, fuck me, I laughed at this. I'm not going to over analyze why I laughed at it. I don't think I have the fortitude for that kind of soul searching. But I did laugh at it.

Don't you fucking judge me!

I personally would have left the conversation on this page simply at Deathstroke saying, "Hey Xerox! Catch!" instead of having Xerxes correct him and Deathstroke saying, "Like it matters." But then I'm usually a less is more kind of guy which you probably couldn't tell with my long-ass commentary posts!

Perhaps this double splash page is a kind of gateway drug! I've seen that I can enjoy this senseless, mindless pablum if I'm in exactly the right state of mind! I'm actually kind of excited to read the rest of this comic book now!

Well there goes that feeling.

I actually had to look up "bird beating" to see if it was a real thing. You know, like bear baiting and dog fighting. Turns out it isn't although it did lead me to laugh until I cried after reading this horrible article. No, no. It's not that I get off on animals being harmed. It was the last sentence of this last paragraph: "Djuric was accused of beating the bird, a Heermann’s Gull, with a stick after the bird and another gull allegedly went after his and his wife’s ice cream on the boardwalk. The bird was so badly injured it had to be euthanized at the Huntington Beach Wetlands and Wildlife Station. The other gull escaped to the ocean and could not be located."

During the battle, Hawkman has a life changing realization. Why has he been poring over research texts and digging in dirt and translating ancient languages when that never fulfilled him? He thinks to himself, "It's only in battle that I am myself. That I know who and what I truly am." And it only took him 15 issues to figure out why the "Savage" belongs in the title! Yay!

Next issue: Hawkman murders jay walker!

But I'm not done with this issue yet! Pike and Xerxes escape but they leave a trail of blood through the sky for Deathstroke to follow. Hawkman heads off to find Shayera. They decide to meet up later.
Hawkman doesn't know where to look for Shayera so he just goes back to the safe house where Emma is waiting for him. And that's where he finds Shayera! Your homicidal princess queen ex-girlfriend is always in the last place you look.

It's in this confrontation that I realize I made a mistake during my earlier reading. I mentioned that the Warhawks were fighting with Pike and Xerxes and Xerxes army had disappeared. The creatures I thought were Warhawks were actually Xerxes' soldiers! I just didn't realize that they had wings like the Warhawks. I was wondering why the Warhawks were suddenly so ugly when they were more cleaned up and military in Green Arrow. I noticed because Hawkman makes a big deal about Shayera running around with Xerxes' thugs. I'm pretty sure this change was made so Hawkman could be more savage. While he was fighting the Warhawks, he was concerned about them simply doing their military job. But Xerxes' ugly ass monster soldiers are pure evil (apparently) and thus can be killed indiscriminately.

Excuse me but the Czarnians are already dead. Thank you.

Since Xerxes is here collecting the bounty that probably means Deathstroke is right around the corner ready to save Hawkman's life! Because he followed the trail of blood!

Except Deathstroke doesn't interrupt the meeting at all. Perhaps he's on Pike's trail. Or perhaps he'll show up next issue for the last part of Hawkman:Wanted to help save the day. The person that interrupts Hawkman's capture is none other than Prince Corsar himself! Super duper surprise twist!

Except for, you know, the part about everybody knowing this was going to happen.

Well then. If Corsar is alive then Katar Hol is innocent and he is now free to go! Everybody break it up! Move along! Nothing more to see here!

After Deathstroke and Hawkman defeat Corsar and Shayera apologizes to Katar Hol (even though Katar still maimed him horribly in the accident instead of killing him in the accident), will the story become a love triangle between Hawkman, Hawkgirl, and Emma?

The Savage Hawkman #15 Rating: No change. I'm usually against writers coming on to a title and completely forgetting what's happened in previous issues and beginning the story from an entirely new place with a different theme and with the title character acting completely contrary to the way he or she's been acting up until then, but I think I'll let that slide on this title! Let's get a new writer on this thing to just start the mess over entirely. Perhaps this could all have been a dream he was dreaming while in a coma dealing with the Nth Metal fusing with his body after a hunter found him in the forest near death. I'm pretty sure that's what Ann Nocenti recommended to Rob Liefeld on this title. So I agree with Ann Nocenti! I think I did have a slight stroke earlier today.

The Savage Hawkman #13

Even though Liefeld is gone, the plot of this book continues to be "somebody attacks Hawkman."

Here at the end of October 2012, I have The Savage Hawkman listed as the worst comic book in The New 52. Liefeld didn't kill it but he helped keep it horrible. It was never very good when Tony Daniel was writing it and then Liefeld took it in a whole new direction that made it even less interesting. I'm not surprised it made the Fourth Wave cut because DC is probably hesitant to cancel any of their comics headed by their biggest names. They don't mind jettisoning the Wildstorm stuff though. Grifter didn't make the cut and I have that ranked at #51! So that was a well-deserved shitcanning.
Frankenstein at #14 and Blue Beetle at #32 were also cancelled. I think Frank is probably rated a bit too high and Blue Beetle a bit too low on my rankings (which you can see if you visit my actual tumblr page) but I'm pretty sure they were cancelled simply due to low popularity of their characters. Blue Beetle was a pleasantly well-written surprise.

Legion Lost at #46 was also cancelled! That's too bad! I was so very interested to find out how they were going to spend their time while stuck in the past. I was hoping the drama would eventually die down and they'd end up just sitting around playing video games and ordering take-out.

Last of them all, G.I. Combat at #42 finally ran out of war stories. This one was only ranked as high as it was because when I began reading it, I just stuck it in one of the free slots in the rankings left by one of the previously cancelled titles. If DC throws in yet another War Book with the Fourth Wave, I'm officially done reading The New 52. I'll just move on to my other writing projects I've been ignoring. I'm serious, DC. The readers have spoken twice now. Stop giving us fucking crap war stories!

The opening page makes me suspect The Savage Hawkman isn't going to be getting any better.

I could be wrong because I don't have an encyclopaedic knowledge of all of the comic books I've read so far, but I'm pretty sure Carter Hall only realized he's an alien that escaped to Earth at the end of Issue #12. He's been attacked by people wanting the Nth armor since around issue #8. I have a feeling even the new writer, Mark Poulton, didn't really read the series. He just sort of scanned it and is now trying to make sense of it himself. Basically, The Savage Hawkman is about to take a new direction based on the Zero Issue and forget all of the old, boring archaeology bullshit that was boring and bullshit.

Let me take that bit back where I said Mark Poulton is writing this thing. His name is on the cover under Rob Liefeld (yes, his influence is still all over this turd) but not in the credits. The credits still say "Plot - Rob Liefeld, Dialogue - Frank Tieri." Maybe it's better that nobody knows who is responsible for this comic book. I have a feeling nobody is ever going to feel proud about having worked on it.

In the first three pages, Emma (Carter's love interest that instantly went from awkward flirtation to full-fledged girlfriend in the space of one change of writers) calls the Thanagarians "Tweety" and "Pigeons." She's become a crack shot with a laser and she doesn't have an ounce of fear. Hopefully Emma wasn't anyone's favorite character because it's apparent her characterization doesn't fucking matter. As long as Hawkman has a woman in his life, it doesn't matter that her personality is unstable. I don't mean she's like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. I mean she doesn't have a distinct personality! It changes depending on what the scene needs from the love interest!

Hawkman and Emma try to make their escape but as Shayera (Hawkgirl!) points out, the Thanagarians are "wonderful warriors" with wonderful weapons. She manages to pin him to a wall by his wings. She mentions she'll have no problem crucifying him if he doesn't come along. And even though she's had no problem with any other English words so far, including crucify, she apparently doesn't know everything.

If you suspect the reader to suspend her disbelief enough not wonder why an alien race is managing a conversation in English, don't break him out of it by having the alien suddenly not understand a word or two.

Carter Hall and Emma are captured and taken aboard Shayera's ship. Except they don't even make it up the ramp when everything suddenly explodes!

I guess this is why this issue is called "The Enemy of my Enemy."

I guess Xerxes is making good his threat! Here's the last time he was seen in the comic book back in Issue #10.

Internet Research: The Chinvat Bridge is the link between the land of the living and the land of the dead in Zoroastrianism.

The dialogue in this comic book is truly painful. Every comment from every character comes from a position of power. They're all speaking as if they're the baddest ass on the playing field and they all make, as Shayera explicitly states, "cute little comments." Even Emma didn't feel threatened even though she's suddenly been confronted by strange life from another world with advanced technology like nothing she's ever imagined. She just pulls out a laser and calls them pigeons because what use is their in trying to come up with a way to escape and survive? Might as well piss them all off by shooting one of them in the face while the others kill you.

Perhaps I should make a rule in the new year that at the end of each month, I'll drop whichever comic book I've decided is the worst in The New 52? I just can't imagine reading much more of The Savage Hawkman. I don't have anything new to say about it. The dialogue is inane and trite. The action is constant but not in a way that drives the plot forward. The action is the plot. Hawkman can't even begin a plot because the next person wanting the Nth metal comes along and beats him up. And now Xerxes is back to do it again. I might as well just fucking reread Issue #10.

I'm glad I don't own a gun because the barrel of it would be in my mouth right now. Shayera tells Xerxes she doesn't know who he is and she doesn't care. So later, Xerxes says, "As for who I am? All you need to know is blah blah blah." Dude. She said she didn't care! And now you're acting as if you're keeping information from her and using it in a ridiculous taunt.

During the ridiculous conversation (oh, and the fight, I guess), Emma escapes into one of the ships (I can't tell if she's stowing away in Pike's ship or the Thanagarian ship). The only reason I suspect it could be Pike's ship because immediately after Emma escapes, Pike takes off too.

Who the hell is Pike and why does he have such advanced technology? He sounds human with that "E.T." comment.

After Hawkman beats up Xerxes again, my question is answered as Pike turns his ship's guns on Hawkman.

Great plan! Or she just got lucky?

Now that Hawkman has subdued the three antagonists, Emma asks him, "What do we do with these guys now?" Hawkman says, "I have an idea. Though I sincerely doubt any of them will like it." But that idea is never expressed adequately in the art. What I believe he did was destroy the Thanagarian ship, loaded them on Pike's ship, and shot them into space on a preprogrammed route. But that's just speculation! Especially since I don't think Pike's ship is capable of long range space flight!

The Savage Hawkman #13 Rating: I almost gave it a negative one Rank! I forgot it's sitting at the bottom already! Hopefully this fucking comic will take a new route sometime soon. Get a real writer on this book and put a fucking story in it.