Trinity #7

Since Cullen Bunn blocked me on Twitter because he can't handle the truth, can somebody let me know if he calls me an asshole for this review?

I don't even know if my review is going to be good or bad but, based on experience, it's going to be a shitshow. So I'll probably be called an asshole or some jerk trying to get attention from a famous writer who has little self-esteem and can't handle a few jokes about how terrible he writes. For all I know, he writes a fabulous X-Men story! Although usually Marvel and DC put the shittiest writers on the properties they know will sell well no matter how poorly they're written. Unless the property is Batman or Wolverine. You don't want to dilute Momma's money makers!

I just noticed Cullen Bunn was on the cover of this comic book!

I haven't even opened the cover of this book yet but I can see the great spark of inspiration which generated the story within. Cullen Bunn was probably sitting at the kitchen table listening to one of his frog podcasts when he thought, "This new book DC wants me to write is about the Trinity? What if I take a look at the Trinity through the funhouse mirror of their most dangerous nemeses?! That's probably never been done...oh no! Not again!" His thought was interrupted because he shit himself.

How can I block Cullen Bunn from seeing my reviews of his books so he doesn't get his feelings hurt? I'd like to spare him the psychic pain and self-reflection which might cause him to think, "Maybe I should put a little more effort into my writing?" People criticize my writing all the time but I have no capacity for self-reflection so I don't worry about putting more effort into my writing. No wait. Did I say "more effort"? I mean "any effort"!

This story is called "The New Pandoras." That probably means the story will examine how superheroes are supposed to be inspirations offering hope to mankind but they really just cause a lot of trouble by existing because comic book writers have fucking shit all over the reason superheroes meant anything to anybody in the first place. It also might be about a new group of girls down at the local strip club who all thought using the name "Pandora" would be cool and hilarious. You know, because they have hope in their boxes.

If I were female and a stripper, I would have danced under the name Medea. Although I know an ex-stripper who sometimes used the name Pandora and all the horny idiots watching her dance thought she was Pantera. So I imagine if I used the name Medea, everybody would think I took the name from Tyler Perry's drag character.

The story begins with Lex Luthor and Ra's al Ghul encountering each other in an ancient crypt.

"We're both bad guys so I guess we should fight now?" "Hold on! Let's let the story play out! Sometimes bad guys work together! And we're still missing Wonder Woman's nemesis!"

The pages preceding this moment where Lex boldly says the cue to bring the third player on stage consists of a rambling pissing contest. I suppose it's for the reader's benefit to show that the ego of each of these characters is too large for either to back down from a challenge. Not that there's a challenge here. Ra's had a dream and arrived. Lex hasn't stated why he's here. I'm sure Circe will explain it when she walks out of the shadows on the next page.

Right on cue!

What does she mean, "Yes, that Circe"? The one with the great ass?

Circe explains that she brought them to this cave to take a dunk in the Pandora Pits. They're some pools of filthy water that are supposed to house powerful evil released by Pandora. But this evil was too frightened of mankind and so hid in these pits. How powerful could it have been if it ran and hid? If I were Luthor, I wouldn't set one foot in this muck!

A creature that's half Wonder Woman and half Composite Superman rises from one of the pools to attack. The only way it can be defeated is if the Dark Trinity work together to defeat it! It's a sign that they should work together to defeat Wonder Woman and Composite Superman too! Don't worry about how Lex and Superman have begun trying to understand each other and work together in that other comic book that you should ignore while reading this one. He still hates aliens.

Lex still isn't quite on board with bathing in the pits so Circe decides to show him an ancient mural on a wall. It shows Circe, Ra's, and Lex all standing together. Oh, well then! If an ancient carving provides evidence that they're going to work together, why fight it?

The Ranking!
-1! This story begins with a couple of comic book tropes I've never liked. First, the characters are compelled by a vision or a prophecy to get the plot moving. I'd suggest Circe was manipulating everything for reasons of her own but the whole three pits thing and the half Wonder Woman, half Composite Superman creature, and the mural all seem a bit much to not be the real motivator. Circe could just cast a spell on these guys and force them to help her. Second, I dislike stories where superheroes are specifically targeted by the villains. Those are the types of stories that have created this idea in comic books that heroes are more of a menace than an inspiration. If heroes are constantly being personally attacked, they're more harm to the city where they reside than help. So here's yet another story where the heroes are going to be targeted specifically. How are they helping to save the world or being an inspiration to mankind when all they're really doing is saving their own asses?

Okay, sure, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe Lex, Ra's, and Circe will just begin their plans of world domination while trying to avoid being noticed by the Trinity. You know, the way villains should be acting. When did the sole motivation of so many super villains become vengeance against the hero that constantly kicks their ass and locks them up? Wouldn't you avoid pissing off that person after being beaten by them so many times? The DC Universe is full of idiots.

Teen Titans #23

Beast Boy is definitely wishing Queen Bee was wearing a skirt.

The Things!
• Batman calls up Tim Drake to let him know that the Teen Titans are no longer fugitives. Amanda Waller decided she didn't want any of the arrogant bastards in her prison and she pulled a few of her millions of strings to make sure the Teen Titans never have to take responsibility for all of the stupid, illegal bullshit the other terrible writers of this comic book had them do. Everybody associated with the Teen Titans, and everybody who loves the Teen Titans, should be queuing up to kiss Tony Bedard's ass because he's finally making this team into an interesting, cohesive unit that might actually make themselves useful to the world.

• Exhibit A: This is cute and adorable and Teen Titany.

• The Titans are hanging out in New Orleans because, as teenagers, they can probably find dozens of different places to drink. I mean, you can find dozens of places to drink in any city if you're underage. It's just easier in New Orleans because everybody is loopy from the constant jazz music.

• The city comes under a psychic assault by The H.I.V.E. Red Robin shows he's a genius by getting the leader of the H.I.V.E.'s name wrong. She's the H.I.V.E. Mistress! Or possibly Queen Bee! But not H.I.V.E. Queen, dum-dum! Unless she's currently Hector Hammond?

• I wonder how many people I've called "dum-dum" in my life when I was in the wrong? Maybe all of those other dum-dums should be more confident in their opinions!

• Everybody in New Orleans is mind-controlled which is a perfect time for anybody who resisted the mind-control to do all of the illegal shit they've always been wanting to do. Then if they get caught, they can just plead mind-control like everybody else!

• All of the New Orleanseans begin buzzing which is probably a bad sign although it might just be something they do down there in the Big Easy.

• Why is it called the Big Easy? Because it's easy for minors to find places to drink?

• Somebody's vagina is exploding!

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tells the Teen Titans her plan because overconfidence looks good on a super villain. So sexy.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen (who really is Queen Bee but they're not calling her that even though Red Robin points out this is the same person who almost defeated Superman when she attempted this plan in Metropolis awhile back) has decided to take over the world again but this time she chose to start in New Orleans because New Orleans doesn't have a Superman defending it. Too bad the Teen Titans were on vacation!

• Red Robin makes up some science and technology so his plan to find the H.I.V.E. Queen seems feasible. It's not though because psionics don't work the way he thinks they work! Anybody who listens to Coast to Coast AM knows that it works via shifts in tonal vibrations and not bio-chemical heat signatures. Duh!

• Red Robin sacrifices his teammates to find the H.I.V.E. Queen so now it's just Red Robin versus the world. Or at least New Orleans which, if you're from New Orleans, you already agreed with the "world" part.

• The H.I.V.E. Queen tries to read Red Robin's mind when he and Raven fall victim to her power at the foot of her command center. That's when she screams in terror and passes out. I bet that was an old Batman trick! He probably trained his mind to project Two Girls, One Cup whenever he's mind-controlled.

• So exactly what I said. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Come on, Tony Bedard! At least come up with a crazy example of Red Robin's "four-dimensional logic puzzle" instead of just saying "It was a way more complex form of 'What is the sound of one hand clapping?'" Especially since everybody knows the sound of one hand clapping is a kind of inhuman screech.

• Red Robin apologizes that he used the Teen Titans like pawns and the stupidest one of the group, Gar, is all, "Chess analogy! I know a chess analogy!" Please. I might believe Garfield would have come up with a retort if it were a checkers analogy but what does that moron know about chess? I'm super smart and I can't even name all of the pieces!

The Review
And thus ends the Golden Age of the Teen Titans! Future generations will look back on The New 52 Teen Titans as the most brilliant example of how not to write a comic book. It seems a bit unfair for me to state that at the end of Tony Bedard's run which was probably the only readable bit of the Teen Titans in the last five years. It's insane to even think that he wrote anything coherent with the flaming wreck he was given to deal with. It was like an entire city was on fire and he was tasked with saving the mayor's gerbil in the center of the conflagration and he managed it. Also the mayor's gerbil started the fire so it's odd that anybody wanted to save the little bastard. I just hope Bedard's run doesn't wind up being just a glimmer of what the series could have been if Benjamin Percy tanks his turn at the wheel.

Oh, my mistake! There's one more issue!

Teen Titans #21

Mallah really should invest in a BabyBjörn for Brain.

The Commentary!
If this issue doesn't include a scene where Mallah lubes up his asshole and slowly sits on The Brain, I'm not going to be surprised at all. Although now that I've thought up that scene, why can't it appear in this comic book? Apes do weird things with their bodies (and I'm including humans in the term "apes")! If the scene were presented without comment, couldn't it be interpreted as a colonoscopy? Sentient apes need regular checkups too! And I'm sure The Brain has all the write cameras and software to determine if everything is going good up Mallah's asshole. In that context, I probably wouldn't get an erection at all!

I suppose I'm asking too much out of a Teen rated comic book. No teenager is going to take a colonoscopy seriously, no matter how life saving the examination can be! They would just giggle and titter about the monkey sticking the computer up its butt. That's just one more nice thing I can't have that I can blame on teenagers! Jerks! I can't wait until you're not teenagers anymore and you feel the same bitter resentment I do at forty! I mean, I actually can wait because then I'll be like dead or something. So, you know, no hurry! Keep being narcissistic jerks who think they know everything for as long as you want! Especially since teenagers will always exist. It's a fucking wave, man! Right now you're at the peak but you'll soon get carried down the other side while some other noseminers will rise up and take your place! It's a goddamned curse!

Speaking of teenagers, this book is about teenagers! What a segue! Let's see if they're able to save Metatroll93 and enlist his help in cleaning up their image as juvenile delinquents who are constantly destroying property in New York City!

Wonder Girl has been mind-controlled by one of The Brain's gadgets because The Brain is useless in every single way. I wonder if The Brain built in any ports into his case, if you know what I mean! He probably calls it his glory port.

Red Robin has either begun wearing black lipstick or his lips are covered in blood because he's finally become the vampire that will live one thousand years and take on the name Harvest before traveling back in time to start The Culling!

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part One: The introduction of Mallah which read "Monsieur Mallah. Brain's longtime companion. Kinda loving it"; The Brain chastising Mallah by saying, "Weakness is never attractive, Mallah"; and The Brain calling Mallah "My pet" while Mallah pouts, "I hate when you call me that."

The Titans manage to free Metatroll93 and Wonder Girl from The Brain's devices in practically no time at all. Although I just counted the pages and it took seven pages, so that's over a third of the comic book. It felt longer! Maybe because I keep pausing to pretend the beast on machine sodomy scene is taking place.

The Brain's case includes jet propulsion which allows him to not only fuck Mallah in the ass but super duper fuck him in the ass. Currently he uses it to fly over the zoo where the Titans have wound up and drop his balls on a bunch of sea lions. The Brain's balls allow him to mind-control the sea lions. Now the Titans have to punch sea lions in the face in front of dozens of sea lion lovers. It's just another day in the life of the Teen Titans which will end with everybody hating them. I began the day hating them so I'm way ahead of the curve.

Metatroll93's memes are terrible.

How can Power Girl be upset by this collection of memes?! Not only are they not insulting the villains in them, they're just not funny or entertaining! She's still just angry that he called the Titans out for being assholes who disregard whatever laws they want in pursuit of their own desires and agendas. He's less a waste of time than the Teen Titans. And what's with Power Girl expecting him to agree with her assessment of him just because she saved his life? Fucking hell, let me die before somebody as holier-than-thou as Power Girl saves my life!

By the way, everything is going just as I said it would. I just wanted to make sure everybody remembers who the Grandmaster Comic Book Reader is here.

The Brain continues to fly around in circles above the zoo and I can't stop wondering how far up Mallah's ass he can get. Also how much fuel can he fit in that tiny canister? This comic book is so unrealistic!

Eventually his thrusters conk out because Wonder Girl smashes them. He plummets to the Earth but is caught by Mallah. Luckily The Brain isn't currently covered in lube.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers, Part Two.

Moments that confirm Mallah and Brain are lovers (as if anybody needs any more after the last scan), Part Three: When Raven is about to send Mallah and The Brain to Azarath to cool down, The Brain says to Mallah, "Just hold me."

Metatroll93 offers to come up with some pro-Titans memes which was totally expected by everybody, probably, but certainly predicted by me in writing the previous month. And after he comes up with some really lame memes that nobody is going to use (which means they aren't really memes, are they?), everybody realizes Red Robin is missing. They don't know it yet but he's been captured by Amanda Waller and brought to Belle Reve. I hope he joins the Suicide Squad! After all, he is an immortal vampire named Harvest! I mean, he will be soon!

The Review!
The Teen Titans have never been better! Tony Bedard has done what no writer in the last five years has been able to do! He's made the Teen Titans into a cohesive group that's actually battling bad guys doing harm! Although, technically, The Brain used the Metatroll93 opportunity to troll the Teen Titans, so it was still kind of their fault that a bunch of people were put into danger. But it was better than anything done previous to this! And best of all, the Titans aren't constantly fighting and bickering among themselves and splitting up into separate groups and hating each other with stupid teen drama! I should probably enjoy this phase of the Teen Titans while it lasts though because Benjamin Percy will be on board soon enough to turn the Teen Titans into the Tumblr Titans. Hoo boy, I am not looking forward to reading that! Although I am looking forward to writing commentary on it!

Wonder Woman #52

This cover makes me sad because it reminds me when I was a little tuna-lad and Cliff Chiang was doing the art on this book.

The Review or Whatever!
Writing is hard. Not just the typing part although that's pretty tough too! The part of writing where you have to put words together and hope that an editor doesn't mark up your computer screen with her evil red pen. Why are there so many rules to remember? Like don't end sentences with prepositions such as "of" or "with". Or incomplete sentences! Those are a real hassle! And what about that other thing that people hate? The old lady thing? Oh yeah! Grammar! Ugh! But the really truly hardest part of writing is not writing Wonder Woman's story in the most sexist way possible! That part of writing is hard even when you manage not to do it because people are just frothing at the mouth to point out sexism in everything! I bet I just sounded like a sexist four or five times in this paragraph alone! Especially that part where I called my mother a bitch!

Oh wait! I only thought that part! I thought I wrote it because I think it constantly! When I'm not thinking about that, I'm thinking about how my father was a drunk bastard who never had any time for me! Occasionally I'll have a free moment where I'm not thinking about my parents and then I start thinking about my sister! What a cunt!

I told you writing is hard! I'm not even writing about Wonder Woman and I got all sexist anyway! That's why I've decided to go easy on Meredith Finch this last issue. Because I see how hard it must be to take a feminist icon like Wonder Woman and try to tell your story about how every woman's greatest yearning is to be a mother. That's a tough job to pull off! Especially when you have so many jerks on the Internet telling you how awful you are and how you married a guy who draws pretty good female breasts. Although it's creepy that he always attaches them to thirteen year old girls. And you'd think he'd spend at least a little time practicing drawing men's faces so that they didn't look like bizarre Fish People hiding in the shadows even when they're standing directly under the noonday sun.

This issue is called "In the Name of Love" because it's story about a woman and that's pretty much the only subject anybody is interested in when the main character is a woman. I don't want to see her doing science or fighting battles or making really strong Magic the Gathering decks! I want to see her find love, settle down, cook up a nice dinner, and end the night with some nice, mature doing of it. Who's with me, Internet?!

I'm glad people can't throw tomatoes through the Internet because I bet I'd currently be covered in mustard. I mean ketchup!

I don't think the kind of love the title is referring to is the sexy kind of love. I think it's the motherly love and the gal-pal love of hinted at lesbianism. So Diana has to save Zola who is under the kind of spell that looks like it needs to be broken by a long, deep girl-on-girl kiss! And she has to save Zeke because she's got a bad case of Baby Rabies. At first I typed "Baby Ravies" but that's an entirely different story that has even more pacifiers than you'd usually find in a story about babies.

Oh gross! Hecate wants to do it to a baby?! I bet even the Olympians frown on that!

The theme of this entire story has either been Wonder Woman can't wait to have a Kryptonian baby, or people who look like monsters aren't always monsters and monsters who look like people sometimes swim really well. Because now Hecate is telling Zeke all about how she was treated like a monster because she looked like a monster which is why she became a monster who wants to do it to a baby. Because that's the theme, I think Diana has to forgive Hecate at the end of this all because Hecate was so misunderstood and victimized. It's the only way to be sure that the victimizing victim doesn't get blamed for wanting to do it to a baby.

I really can't let go Hecate's desire to do it to a baby! You all know what I mean by "it", right? It's hard to tell because kids today have so many words for doing it, words like "talking" and "hooking up" and "Cleveland Steamer".

Hera appears and begins calling Hecate a disgusting monster whose vagina offered Zeus nothing but power! Man. I wish I had some power! I actually wish I had some carrot cake. Vagina scares me. I mean, penis scares me too! But the story didn't really mention penis. I mean, it mentioned Zeus was a misogynistic whore which is a pretty good nickname for a penis, as in "I've got a pretty average-sized misogynistic whore!"

Whew! I'm glad Hera has turned out to be the real monster because I'd rather believe gorgeous people are the true monsters and hideous little misshapen vomit-inducers are the good people of the world! My reasons for wanting to believe this are secret reasons that you wouldn't understand because you don't have to look into the same mirror that I do! Besides, it's always nice to have another reason to hate beautiful people!

Diana ties up Hera with her Golden Lasso and then begins fighting with Hecate. I guess she's just run out of patience with everybody. I totally get that! I'm like, "Ugh! Stop trying to stay in contact with me, family! I moved away for a reason!" And then my sister is all, "But we love you! Why do you keep us at arm's length?!" And then I'm all, "You still haven't fucking apologized for changing the channel while I was watching the video for Lionel Richie's 'Hello'!" There. That's the story! Now you see why I used such a harsh word to describe my sister. I think you'll agree it was justified!

While Hecate and Diana battle, Hera wanders up to murder Zeke. I'm so confused by the multiple symbols that make up this moment! Zeus is symbolic of the Patriarchy and about to be destroyed forever by the ultimate battered and beleaguered wife! But Zeus is currently a baby which is like carrot cake to the Matriarchy! And the misogynist whore is in the lap of Gaia, the ultimate mother! Meanwhile a monster fights to save the baby while the beautiful person wants to murder it! Up is down and down is racist!

Hecate sees her chance to run off as Hera and Diana work through all the symbols in their final New 52 conversation. Love, manipulation, mothers, fathers, Gods, beauty, ugliness, truth, Frisbee Golf. They discuss it all! This is the point in the comic book where you purchase Huey Lewis's "The Power of Love" from iTunes and begin rocking out to it. It's also the point where Zeke turns back into Zeus only five years after I first said Zeke was Zeus. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

All that's left are the end of Stand By Me epilogues! Hera went on to remain a bitter, hateful shrew at the side of a misogynistic whore! But at least she looked beautiful doing it, the monster!

Hecate went to live in a vagina with a penis.

The Penises, or Cyclopes, are allowed to wander freely staring creepily at everybody. Zola died in the war. And Wonder Woman now spends her time smelling Zeke's nappy to remember that time when she almost had a baby of her own, fulfilling all of her dreams! Although I don't get why everybody is sad about the "death" of Zeke! He didn't die and he was never really a baby! He was just Zeus doing some weird new pervo action! "Hmm," wondered Zeus as he banged his thingy into Zola's thingy over and over (unless it only takes one over to be over!), "Coming in this vagina feels awesome! I wonder what coming out of it would feel like?!" Gross!

Wonder Woman #51

What is it with Wonder Woman posing with allegorical penises on the cover of her comic books lately?

The Review!
Zola dies at the end of this issue. That's not a spoiler because I don't know if she's really dead or not. Plus I don't think anybody needs to read the rest of this issue only to eventually get to that revelation. The story spends a lot of time reminding the reader that Wonder Woman loves too well and that parents can sometimes fuck up their children. But none of that matters because everything that gets Wonder Woman to contemplate love and children and parents was a lie. By the end, Wonder Woman can forget all of the philosophical bullshit she's been contemplating since she met Hecate because Hecate turned out to be an evil liar. Although maybe it's still pertinent to the theme since Hecate was supposedly working for Gaia and thus is an allegory for how mothers manipulate their children. Fucking mothers! What jerks! Meredith Finch sure nailed that one in a totally not sexist way at all! It's also possible I'm projecting my own childhood onto the story at this point. Anyway, Wonder Woman learns that maybe she shouldn't trust people she doesn't know and has no reason to trust instead of not trusting the people she loves and trusts. I think there was some lesson about monsters being the most human of us all as well but it was so trite that I barely noticed it. This continues to be a pretty sexist comic book about the greatest feminist icon in comic books. What the fuck is DC thinking?! Just go read The Legends of Wonder Woman instead if you care about Wonder Woman at all.

The Commentary!
Wonder Woman is currently on a quest to save Zeus. Why she wants to save the symbol of the patriarchy, I don't know. No, wait, I do know! It's because he's currently a cute little toddler which is the one form he's ever chosen in which Wonder Woman is pretty sure he can't rape. Plus he's so cute and googly and drooly! To save the Patriarchy, Wonder Woman must help the Matriarchy. So she's on a quest to rescue all of Gaia's children. Apparently Meredith Finch decided the greatest role of Wonder Woman's life would be as an au pair to the Olympians.

Wonder Woman is currently in Tartarus to free the Hecatonchires when she remembers the last time she visited when Slade freed Iapetus. Oh, sorry. She still remembers the titan being named "Lapetus." I guess Meredith has decided to stand in solidarity with her husband who completely fucked up the Titan's name in Douchéstork.

Wonder Woman doesn't mind freeing these monsters from their prison because she's learning that not all creatures who look like monsters truly are monsters! What a fucking revelation! Although she's now gone too far to the other side and seems to believe that all creatures that look like monsters aren't monsters. So I hope she's surprised when she finds out the Hecatonchires are just super grabby assholes.

Wonder Woman continues to insist on thinking of Zeke as somebody separate from Zeus. That's mostly so she can keep up the theme of children being damaged by the conflict between their mothers and fathers. But since Zeke is also Zeus, it seems a bit of a stretch to keep thinking of him as being hurt by Zeus.

Wonder Woman runs into Zombie Zola and Dead Baby Zeke in Tartarus because it likes to torture people. Tartar must mean torture because tartar sauce is disgusting.

Zombie Zola accuses Wonder Woman of killing Zeke because Wonder Woman didn't save Zeke fast enough. That's a tried and true philosophy in DC Comics! If somebody failed to save somebody else, it's always the fault of the failed savior and not the person who actually caused the problem in the first place. So good job, Tartarus! You're just like every other jerk in The New 52 stemming back to that cop in Gail Simone's Batgirl #1 who pointed her pistol at Batgirl instead of the bad guy and blamed her for the death of some other person. I don't remember all the details! And I can't go back to remind myself because I took a black Sharpie and blacked out the offending panel.

Wonder Woman remembers being teased and called Clay by the other Amazonian girls. Dang Hippolyta and her lies! Diana suffered because of her mother's actions! Ew! I'm so angry at parents right now! They ruin everything! Except for those parents holding up their toddler at an outdoor concert which everybody on Tumblr tagged as "Parenting. You're doing it right." I guess those were good parents and they weren't harming their child at all by turning it into an accessory.

Diana runs into Superman next and remembers how she's always wanted to be a mother! Of course! What woman doesn't constantly yearn for motherhood! Even Wonder Woman can't escape the call of her uterus!

I can't stand stories or articles or people who cannot believe that some people simply do not want children. There's too much projection going on in society. Just because you couldn't imagine a world without your precious shitty bundle of noise, it doesn't mean everybody else would feel the same way about having one. I've never wanted a child for any reason ever. Got a reason for wanting a child? I don't have that reason. Got a reason for not wanting a child? Just add it to the list of mine. Don't fucking care. Some people think I have some kind of obligation to be a father. I admit, I'd be a great father. Probably. I mean, I'm the best uncle and although there's a vast chasm between those two jobs, I'm fairly confident that if I had accidentally become a father at some point, I would have done the job well. But being fairly responsible in my choices, it has never happened (almost once! But, thank Jesus, he took care of that problem on his own! Who needs doctors when Jesus provides the most spontaneous abortions of anybody ever?!). But even if I were a great father, the Non-Certified Spouse, who doesn't want children as much or more than me (I only say "more" in that I don't want them at all and she doesn't want them at all even more somehow. It's weird math and I don't have a calculator with the proper buttons to explain it correctly), would be a terrible mother. Just awful. I don't think she'd be offended by my saying she would just completely suck as a mother.

Next Hera runs into the Mother of Olympus because the theme! Remember the fucking theme!

This is really Hera. Really, really!

Characters in comic books constantly mistrust the people they've grown to love and trust as soon as some Iago whispers any fucking thing in their ear. Everybody loves too well! Is this something people actually deal with on a constant basis? I'm guessing they do since Othello remains a popular story even though I read it and thought what I think every time I read the same ploy in a DC Comic book, "Why the fuck is the protagonist believing somebody they barely know over somebody they completely trust?!" I think I'm too full of esteem to understand that this is a thing. What's really going on is the bad person tugs at a string of self-doubt already inherent in the hero and carefully pulls it until everything unravels. So Wonder Woman already mistrusts the Olympians so when a stranger tells her somebody she loves is in danger from the Olympians, she decides to fuck everything up. Another option would have been asking the people she trusted if any of it was true. But, of course, she had to save Zeke in secret for plot reasons.

Anyway, now Wonder Woman knows she was set up by Hecate! Hecate is in for it now!

Is Batman as afraid of Wonder Woman as he is of Superman? Because Superman can destroy the Earth if he's possessed or magically controlled or given Joker Venom or infected by the Doomsday virus or mind-controlled. But Wonder Woman simply needs to have her emotions manipulated and WHAMMO! She's turned against everybody! That statement may be sexist but it's not my sexism. That sexism is courtesy of Meredith Finch and this story of hers!

Wonder Woman and Hera escape from Tartarus but find it was too late! While they were gone, Hecate escaped with Hera's "orbs", Zola has died, and Zeke is missing! Whoops!