Superman #16

Why is Superman so angry at his logo?

• Superman's plan from last issue worked perfectly and like a charm as well. It worked so well that he's now powerless and in the clutches of Prophecy. But since that was the plan...success! Way to go, Superman!

• Since Prophecy is full of the power of multiple Supermen and Super Rabbits, he is five hundred feet tall. Also his head is on fire. That means he's full of energy, probably. Also because he's so powerful and Superman has lost his powers, Prophecy decides to tell Superman why he's doing what he's doing. What harm can it do? At the very least, Prophecy is helping Superman to understand that some sort of crisis, probably infinite in scale, is coming to destroy the universe. Usually I'd ask grumpily, "How the fuck does he know?" But his name is Prophecy so that answers that.

• Prophecy needs the powers of all of the Supermen to save his dimension (I still don't know what number it is. Probably 48). After he accomplishes that, he may save the other universes too. But only if he has time. When Superman hears that, he's all, "When you believe you're going to be the savior of the universe, you're always destined to lose!" I think he learned that from Sun Tzu's dumber brother.

• Superman is tossed into a giant grave which the Supermen of the Multiverse are digging. But not Captain Carrot, even though rabbits are great diggers. He's just sitting there looking adorable.

That grave is big enough for a five hundred foot tall Superman, hint, hint!

• Superman took the only ship that can travel across the Multiverse (aside from the Eye of the Storm, I suppose) so Red Racer has to build another one at superspeed. This winds up killing him because of physics or something. It might have had something to do with his being gay as well.

• With the new ship, Justice League Incarnate can follow the beacon of the original Ultima Thule's music. They can travel to Prophecy's world and rescue the cute little rabbit.

• With the arrival of Justice League Incarnate, all of the supermen and superwomen and superrabbits get their powers back for some reason. Physics, again, I guess. Probably not homosexuality this time.

• Prophecy's hand is removed by the Supers because that's where he was storing their power. Then he teleports away while claiming he's all that stands in the way of oblivion. Or Oblivion with a capital O, I suppose. Maybe he meant Obsidian. He's gay!

• And that's the end! Everybody lives...FOR NOW!

The Ranking!
No change! That ending was anticlimactic in the extreme. It was so extremely anticlimactic that it was sort of climactic! Because I was totally expecting a bigger, more thrilling fight! I was expecting a plan to come together! I was expecting something other than "Hey! Hey! We got our powers back now everybody punch Prophecy at the same time! Winners!" But instead I got something disappointing which was a total twist which means it was a surprise which means it was climactic, right? No? Anyway, Prophecy has found himself with Tim Drake, a prisoner of Doctor Oz(y(man(hattan)dias)). Apparently the biggest secret of the DC Universe is that no character has ever died ever in the DC Universe's existence. They're all just locked away in some afterlife zoo.

Trinity #3

Just fucking get over it already.

Only a rich white boy could live such a privileged life that he can afford to mourn the death of his parents for over twenty years. Don't get me wrong! I know other people aside from me would be saddened by he loss of their parents and continue to miss them until the end of their own lives. But most people wouldn't dedicate every single waking hour of every single day to the grief they feel over the loss. I suppose if you have no other hardships in your life, you have to cling to the one time something bad happened to you so that you can pretend that your rich ass life of power and luxury is more of a curse than a blessing. Stop wallowing in your own self-pity, you dick.

On the other hand, Batman's dedication has caused him to beat the shit out of more petty criminals than all of the police working in the United States (which is a lot!). Although maybe that's not really the other hand. Beating up criminals is simply trying to wipe out the symptoms of a bigger problem. Most criminals aren't insane sociopaths with Alice in Wonderland fetishes. They're criminals because poverty and Republican ways of governing have driven them to a desperate last option. Just breaking their jaw and shunting them off to Blackgate isn't solving anything. You can cover up the buboes with some ridiculously expensive make-up but you still have the plague.

Anyway, Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are all suffering from Black Mercy intoxication so they're hallucinating their pasts. But this time, they have their friends to help them! Superman learned something about his past in the first two issues but I can't remember what it was because it was mushy and emotional and nobody was punched to death. Now it's time for Batman's friends to help him through the most traumatic moment of his life: when he realized his butler would be raising him.

Batman can't find the place where his parents died and he became the Batman. I bet the Court of Owls could find it.

Meanwhile in the non-Black-Mercy world, Jon Smith has been kidnapped by Poison Ivy. Lois is now wondering where her son went although not as much as she's wondering where her husband and Wonder Woman went.

Oh shut up, Diana. Nobody needs your affirmation bullshit right now. Go put it on a blog where a chameleon says it so that everybody can squee over its derivative nonsense.

Through the trip to his past, Batman is allowed to tell himself that it isn't his fault that his parents died. Or that Jason Todd died. Or that Tim Drake died. Or that Barbara Gordon was paralyzed. I mean, of course the last three were his fault! But he gets to tell himself that they weren't his fault at all. Also maybe the Barbara Gordon thing wasn't totally his fault since it happened out of costume. Although The Joker was going after Commissioner Gordon because of The Batman so...well, I guess it's all pretty complicated. Why not let Batman pretend none of the deaths around him were his fault?

Back in reality, Lois Lane drives a truck through a barn wall to save her son from Poison Ivy. It's just luck that she doesn't run them over.

Next month, it's Wonder Woman's chance to forgive her mother! Or herself! Or something.

What Did I Learn?
I've learned that the Republican representatives in the United States government are cowards who care only for getting re-elected by their racist and selfish base of supporters. I can't help it if comic book lessons don't matter enough to mention them in the world we're currently living in! Oh, but I did learn something comic book related! Francis Manapul can't draw more than two monthly comic books in a row before needing fill-in artists!

The Ranking!
No change.

Poison Ivy: Cycle of Life and Death #5

Kids are the worst. No wait. Parents are the worst and kids just a symptom of their worsitude.

The Review or Whatever!
Poison Ivy's plant daughters have a night on the town in a story that somehow wasn't called "Paint the Town Green"! Or the strip club anyway because the three Poison Ivy Sporelings manage to sneak out of the house to explore Gotham and wind up in a strip club. Everything you want in a female lead comic book is right here in the pages of this comic book! Hot ladies throwing their arms in the air while dancing to music! Adorable ladies screaming things are awesome because they're full of passionate intensity! A man touching a woman without her permission and getting hurt. A riot at a strip club. Police getting bested by six month old girls. And a harsh mother figure demanding that girls lock themselves up in a tower for their own safety! The only thing missing was the kissing!

I think what this issue was actually about was the anxiety of being a parent. The anxiety wasn't quite as anxious as the anxiety in Eraserhead but then that's not a fair comparison. I never wanted kids and Eraserhead made me feel super anxious for something I knew I was never going to have to deal with! Luckily for Poison Ivy, her children were not vomiting potatoes. Unluckily for Ivy, her children have grown into adults in just six months. Somehow they've matured and learned just as much as an eighteen year old would know as well. I guess they binge watched a lot of Netflix in those six months.

By the end of the issue, the girls are back in their locked tower and Ivy is being attacked by an evil scientist who has also been touched by The Green. Isn't that how it always is?! You can't just have one scientist accidentally turned into a walking plant god! You've always got to have another, more jerkier version transformed alongside you. Typical. So this guy Doctor Grimley is Poison Ivy's Floronic Man. Unless it's different somehow. He wants Ivy's daughters (or just the one he made, Thorn) and he plans on having them! I don't think he's going to be successful although I hope Ivy and her daughters get a moment to hug before the girls all die of old age while saving the world at the same time next issue.

Poison Ivy #3

Poison Ivy is about to breastfeed this man.

Rating: Worth reading if you're a Poison Ivy fan. I think. I mean, obviously Poison Ivy fans are going to pick this book up. And if they love Pam, they'll mostly ignore the plot. I'd say the next issue should be fun because Poison Ivy will be working with Catwoman. But in an earlier issue, Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn hung out and it was a total cock-up. They wound up yelling at each other and deciding to take a break from their relationship. I don't think that's something Poison Ivy fans would find worth reading! It was probably infuriating! I know I hated it when DC decided to make Power Girl and The Huntress enemies in one of those horrible Earth-2 books. And what about that movie at the theaters right now? Where Batman and Superman are battling! Why are so many characters in the DC You not allowed to have a friend?!

• Poison Ivy has recently hatched a few babies from a plant. I would love to say I didn't think there was a market for this but I grew up during the Cabbage Patch Kids craze. I know this market is insatiable.

• Some other stuff was going on but I can't remember what it was because I haven't been finding this story very interesting and I haven't been keeping careful notes on the comic books I've been reading the last couple of months.

• How do you take care of a plant baby? Splash a little water on it and leave it out in the sun?

• Poison Ivy is proud of her hybrid babies instead of disgusted. I find that an odd reaction because I'm disgusted by all babies.

• The babies might not be where Poison Ivy rakes in the cash. She also developed some Plant Nannies to take care of the babies. Now those would probably sell out in minutes! Just shove your baby in a flower and leave it for the day? Who wouldn't want one?

• Poison Ivy murders the guy who's been sexually harassing her at work. Apparently you can't have a female lead in a DC Comic without having her kill or beat the shit out of some sexist pig. Pretty soon there won't be any guys left in the DC You!

• Ivy needs to get into a secret lab at her work because somebody stole her research plans. Somebody is always stealing her research! She should stop working for the man and just start her own business. Catwoman can fund her.

• Speaking of Catwoman, she arrives to help Ivy break into the lab. Too bad she pissed off Harley in a previous issue. The whole gang could have been back together.