Green Lantern Annual #1 (1992)

I wouldn't mind getting behind that moon myself. Literally. To have sex with it.

Usually when you see that much ass cheek on a DC cover, it's because I did some horny Photoshop. But that's an actual DC cover and that's Star Sapphire's actual ass with very little cover. I'd say it's one of the best covers I've ever seen except I just now noticed that Hal Jordan is punching Carol in the face. That kind of ruins it for me. Not even Eclipso smiling joyfully at the misogyny can bring me back around. Almost! But not quite.

But what I actually find the most interesting thing on this cover is the little symbol in the corner that reads "Approved by the Comics Code Authority." Out of all the rules they have about things that can't appear in comic books, they're absolutely fine with a woman with most of her ass revealed kneeling in front of a man whose dick may or may not be out as he punches her in the face. Were they just not as strict as I was led to believe? Or had they completely lost all of their teeth by 1992? Or were they less concerned with violence against women than they were about vampires and werewolves. I'm actually surprised it took until the 2000s for comic book companies to completely abandon the practice. I have a feeling that by the '80s most comics with the code on the cover barely had any scrutiny by the "Authority." And if they did, the publisher simply left the damned thing off, like with Watchmen and Swamp Thing and, I think, pretty much all of DC's Vertigo line.

Anyway, it's useful to know that a bunch of uptight pricks who wanted to control a whole category of artistic expression were okay with whatever's happening on this cover. I have to say, I'm really only okay with the right hand side of the cover. You know, from Eclipso to the naked butt cheeks.

The issue begins with Kilowog training a bunch of the new recruits. There's one I don't immediately recognize although I think his name might be Jack or Charlie or something lame like that. He definitely wasn't one of Hal's recent recruits.

I thought Kilowog was supposed to train them for encounters on the battlefield, not encounters in the bedroom.

One recruit is noticeably absent from the training: Amanita, the little mushroom guy. That's because he began saying something before training began and he's only now finishing the sentence now that training is over. That sentence is, "I feel something hunting Green Lanterns." Hmm. Maybe somebody should listen to the little Star Sapphire ass.

Dammit! I keep getting distracted by the cover! I might have to rip it off and hide it under the mattress so I can finish reading this issue!

This is probably the thing hunting Green Lanterns and/or Star Sapphires butthole: Eclipso's fist.

This is the image on the page opposite the Eclipso's fist page:

I was 20 years old when I got this issue. How is it not covered in dried semen?!

The placement of that advert across from Eclipso threatening to fist the next asshole that comes near him had to be on purpose, no?

Eclipso doesn't actually want to fistfuck Green Lantern. He just wants the power of the most powerful weapon in the universe after the color yellow. But Eclipso can't manifest except in extremely rare instances (like a full eclipse and then only at an Oreo factory). Instead, Eclipso rains little Black Diamonds all over the Earth. Anybody who comes into contact with one of them becomes possessed by Eclipso. Right now, Eclipso is using Starman to try to track down Green Lantern. I guess Starman's powers aren't cool because they don't manifest through a gaudy piece of jewelry. Eclipso's D&D treasure type is whichever treasure type was just gems and jewelry.

Starman doesn't know where Green Lantern is so Eclipso has him give the Black Diamond to some homeless man. But he doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so he gives the Black Diamond to a prostitute. But she doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so she gives the Black Diamond to some pervert. He heads into a strip club where I'm sure everybody will be all, "Oh, Guy Gardner? Yeah! He was just here!"

Look at all this nudity! I suspect even the Comics Code Authority hated reading fucking annuals.

The pervert tosses the Black Diamond to one of the strippers and guess what? She's seen Guy Gardner recently! Who could have guessed?! Other than me, of course!

Guy Gardner has just recently lost his ring to Hal Jordan which is fucking crazy because I never know when to read these annuals and I just happened to read this annual at exactly the right time! Guy's trying to figure out what to do next and briefly considers getting a gun. But he's no Simon Baz so he drops the idea immediately. Instead, he picks up a Black Diamond tossed to him by a stripper. Guy Gardner is always angry so I'm sure he transforms into Eclipso in record time. But the scene shifts to Carol and Hal's bedroom.

Gross.

Okay, maybe I'm reading the annual a little too soon if Carol is letting Hal do this to her already.

Hal didn't actually spunk on Carol so I don't know why Andy Smith drew that. She just woke up from a nightmare and Hal raced in to save her. He then listens to her and comforts her and makes sure she feels safe and waits until she falls asleep again and then resents her for not offering to fuck him right there and then. No, really! That's not just me being facetious! At least I don't think it is.

Hal defines "impossible emotional gymnastics" as being super nice to babes and then not getting to fuck them.

Just outside Hal's motel room, Guy Gardner waits, hiding behind a palm tree. That's really all they're good for. Eclipso realized Guy didn't have the power he wanted. But Guy did know where Hal Jordan was currently holed up. So he uses Guy to drop the Black Diamond off for Hal to find. Then Guy just goes back to the strip club thinking he's done his job. But he didn't count on Hal being too concerned with his blue balls to notice the gem on the ground. So instead, Carol, still in her underwear, finds it when she exits her motel room while going to apologize to Hal.

Oh, she's going to apologize to Hal because she told him her dream in which she was mean to Hal. That's also why his feelings were hurt. Because she had a dream where she hated him. Christ, he's a loser. But now that she found the Black Diamond, she's going to go kill Hal while in Star Sapphire's underwear.

Star Sapphire's underwear is just her regular super outfit. Like Superman and Batman.

Eclipso wants Green Lantern as his Eclipsed Slave but he falls into his own trap: he can't fully take over Star Sapphire until she commits her act of rage and revenge. And for Star Sapphire, that means killing Green Lantern. It took Eclipso thousands of years but he's finally learned about Catch-22. It's a hell of a catch, that Catch-22.

Star Sapphire flies off to destroy Ferris Air because she couldn't find Hal Jordan around the corner at the motel's soda machine. Star Sapphire somehow thinks that ex-employees of businesses give a shit if somebody later vandalizes the business. I suppose in this case she may be right only because the ex-employee is also a super hero.

At this point in the comic book, I'm exactly halfway through. That means this "review" will suddenly become a five sentence synopsis of the last 28 pages. It's my brand!

Starman shows up still under Eclipso's influence because Eclipso now has to battle himself so that he doesn't kill Green Lantern while possessing Star Sapphire. Bruce Gordon and his Eclipso hunters arrive with their solar guns to save the eclipsed heroes. Guy Gardner, still under Eclipso's influence, also attacks. And then the Green Lantern Corps arrives to save Hal's ass. It's a real clusterfuck.

Is this lesbian pornography?

Green Lantern Annual #1 Rating: Sexy! I'd explain how the clusterfuck turned out but I'm not sure I know. Hal and Carol remained under Eclipso's power so they could go fuck with Batman in the Detective Comics annual. Guy Gardner hitchhiked into Guy Gardner Reborn #1. Starman headed over into the Superman annual. And the other Green Lanterns all pretended they weren't just humiliated. I think Kilowog explained what happened in a panel near the end but, well, have a look:

Maybe this was the page my 20 year old self's spunk landed on after jerking it to that cover!

Justice League Europe Annual #2 (1991)

Is this an early version of Morrison's Seven Soldiers of Victory? (Obviously the three Legionnaires count as one soldier.)

Oh, this could also be an early version of Demon Knights! With the proper writer (and Moritat as artist again? Yeah?), that could be a fantastic book, although I wouldn't mind General Glory being replaced by somebody, maybe John Constantine, or if they need to be more of a one-to-one replacement for a Lawful Good goody-two-shoes, maybe Stargirl? And obviously Elongated Man needs to be replaced by Detective Chimp. I wrote "obviously" but if there's a much stronger word that means the same thing, you can replace "obviously" with that. Maybe that word is saying, "Obviously! Duh! What are you? A moron?!" Some of you might be thinking, "What about that '50s era Dick Van Dyke lookin' cowboy?" And I'd have to say, "Oh, we keep Bat Lash! If for nothing else then I've read his Who's Who entry about six hundred times (which, coincidentally, is also why we're keeping Anthro!)" Other than this annual and the "B" issue of Who's Who, I'm not sure I've ever read a Bat Lash comic book. Unless he had a Secret Origins issue.

This issue begins with Justice League Europe and Justice League America all crammed into the little room where Justice League America were all touched by Waverider in their annual. But Waverider is off fucking around somewhere else. Which is super convenient for anybody who has been paying attention to Armageddon 2001 because Captain Atom is at this meeting. But before Justice League Europe head back to the London Embassy where Superman brings Waverider to touch everybody, Captain Atom fucks off. Yeah! Imagine that! The guy who turns out not to be Monarch just happens to avoid getting his future read by Waverider! What I mean to say is the guy who was supposed to be Monarch but winds up not being Monarch due to non-story-related issues but who probably would have been found out to be Monarch at the beginning of this annual if Waverider had only managed to infiltrate this room while both teams were there (assuming the editors hadn't already changed their mind about Captain Atom being Monarch at this point, is what I mean).

You know what? I'm just confusing everybody who was too young to read this "Summer Event" off the shelves. But all y'all who were there, you know what I'm talking about! We all fucking knew Monarch was Captain Atom! You couldn't fool us, DC! At least not until you fooled us by saying, "Surprise! Hawk is Monarch! I bet none of you idiots guessed that because none of the clues pointed to Hawk because it wasn't supposed to be him! Ha ha! Got you, you fucking tools! Thanks for blowing all your summer job money on this garbage! Choads!"

I'm finally in the right mood to read this comic book and that mood is "apoplectic at DC." How dare I imagine them talking to me that way?!

Waverider has learned a little thing called "consent" since the Justice League America annual.

Some of the heroes are a bit concerned about learning their futures. For good reasons because the two characters the creative team choose to show their concern are Crimson Fox and Blue Jay. Giffen and Jones probably chose them because they realized they were the two characters with the least chance at any future success in the DC Universe.

I don't know what eventually happens to Crimson Fox but Blue Jay, you're killed by that jerk standing behind Crimson Fox in twenty-five years or so.

Look at Wally's smirk in that caption. It's like he remembers killing Blue Jay at the Recovery Center For Sad Heroes in a few decades from now. And knowing how mixed up The Flash is in time travel nonsense, he probably does remember it!

The first person Waverider touches is Catherine Cobert even though she's not a hero. My guess at Catherine's future is that she fucked Captain Atom a ton and eventually developed super powers from all the radioactive cream pies she received.

Catherine's life hasn't changed much in ten years which is probably the most realistic story DC has ever done. She's still at the same job, still moaning about taking care of a bunch of arrestedly developed heroes, and wishing her sex life were better. One of DC's clues as to who Monarch was should have been Catherine thinking about how much she wanted to fuck him.

Speaking of Monarch, he wasn't a factor in any of the Justice League America futures. Shouldn't the heroes who didn't turn out to be Monarch at least be complaining about the new fascist hero making authoritarian waves? But not one word! Does he come out of absolutely nowhere in 2001? If I'd recently read Armageddon 2001, I'd probably know the answer to that.

Silver Sorceress is in Waverider's vision so he's apparently not very good at predicting the future.

Kara's cat is still alive in 2001 so that's some good news. Although Silver Sorceress is as well so I shouldn't get too excited about seeing the cat alive. Waverider's vision ends when Catherine witnesses the Justice League London Embassy disappear in a puff of smoke. He cuts contact from Catherine while acting really concerned about what he saw but then offers her no explanation about his reaction. So now she has to assume she's dying of Captain Atom Cream Pie Cancer in ten years.

Next up is Rocket Red. Waverider's vision of Rocket Red begins as Rocket Red suddenly appears in Camelot. Which isn't ten years ago but I suppose Waverider's power, attuned to the person he touches, simply displays where they're at ten years from now. And so what if that happens to be a fictionalized version of Great Britain thousands of years ago? I say "fictionalized" but this entire DC Universe is "fictionalized" and Camelot actually exists within it. King Arthur mistakes Rocket Red for the greatest knight he has ever seen. Merlin is super jealous although I think, judging by the tent in Arthur's royal robes, Gwenhwyfar should be the jealous one.

I used one of the Welsh spellings for the Queen and since I had to look up how to spell any version of her name anyway, I chose the one I liked best. Also King Arthur wasn't depicted with a boner. If he was, I'd have scanned in the panel for proof. Although if I weren't reading an annual which is already going to take me longer than it's worth, I'd have Photoshopped a boner onto King Arthur to prove he had one anyway. I'm not saying you can't trust anything I say but, well, just don't. I'm a fucking liar. So I guess I am saying that. You can't trust anything I say.

You might wonder why I would lie for no reason about a thirty year old comic book I'm reading. But I'll tell you exactly why: because I often admit really embarrassing stuff about myself on this blog and if I cultivate a facetious, whimsical, and exaggerative personality, you won't know when I'm actually admitting to something true!

Is this an example of what the kids mean when they call me "salty"?

Not only do the tumblr kids call me salty, they also say I'm a pathetic edgelord! But I'll show them that I'm not an edgelord! I won't make a single dead baby joke in this entire review!

Dmitri has loads of Round Table adventures until Merlin, consumed with CAYKE, summoned Etrigan to have him killed.

No wait. CAYKE doesn't make any sense. Does that say ENVYE?

One less Rocket Red in the DC Universe won't bother anybody except the super nerds who somehow name Dmitri as their favorite character. Although if they're that super at being nerds, their favorite character is probably Rocket Red #7, the one that winds up being a Manhunter.

Power Girl is next. By now, the reader has probably realized that when the Embassy disappeared, Justice League Europe was scattered throughout time. Power Girl winds up in London during the blitz. Judging by the missiles crashing down around her, Slothrop fucked somebody right where Kara appears.

Power Girl runs into General Glory and his sidekick, Eddie. A building falls on Eddie, killing him, probably because he kept having impure thoughts about Power Girl's powers. For some reason, Power Girl winds up becoming General Glory's new sidekick, with the Guy Gardner haircut and everything. At this point, I'm seriously doubting Waverider's ability to see into the future. Pretty sure when he touches somebody, a random piece of fan-fiction about that character loads into his brain, deluding him into believing he's seeing the future. No wonder this idiot figures out Hank is Monarch when it's obvious Captain Atom was!

Metamorpho winds up in the future getting a drink with Jonah Hex. Remember when Jonah Hex wound up in the future post-Crisis-on-Infinite-Earths in a comic book called Hex? Now why didn't I read that series? I guess I didn't know how much I loved Jonah Hex in 1985.

Next, Waverider touches Silver Sorceress resulting in three blank pages. Because she's dead in 2001. Hell, she's dead in 1991. She just doesn't know it yet!

Remember how I lie all the time? Apparently Giffen and Jones didn't know Silver Sorceress would be dead well before 2001 also. She actually winds up back in prehistoric times being hit on by a cave woman.

"Nima alunda Sorceress. Zug zug?"

Crimson Fox goes next and winds up in the American Frontier with Bat Lash. I sense some hot sex coming up. Pages and pages of it. So many dirty, filthy pages. Except Waverider doesn't tune in to my Crimson Fox/Bat Lash fan-fiction and instead they just run around getting shot at. Boring.

Blue Jay is up next but we all know his future so let's skip ahead a few pages.

Ralph Dibny winds up in Victorian London, teleporting right on top of Moriarty and pissing Sherlock Holmes right off. So much so that he doubles down on his heroin use. But the rest of the social elite love the way his neck grows. Finally, an audience that isn't sick to death of looking at his grotesque displays of elongation.

Just as Waverider is wrapping up his terribly thought out investigation, Captain Atom wanders in. Oh boy! Time for Waverider to discover the identity of Monarch! But before he can touch Captain Atom, the cat rubs up on Waverider's ankles and he sees the cat's future. Kara's cat's future explains why everybody wound up in various places throughout time. Waverider also realizes that Elongated Man, with the help of H.G. Wells' time machine, is able to hunt them all down and return them to 2001. So Waverider, realizing the whole adventure amounts to absolutely nothing, scares Mr. Big into shutting down his spy electronics in the cat's eye which will prevent any of this time travel nonsense from ever happening. After all that's figured out, Waverider touches Captain Atom and the story ends to be concluded in Armageddon 2001 #2! Because he's going to find out that Captain Atom is Monarch! Or that Captain Atom is the only person who can stop Monarch or who knows who Monarch is or whatever. Imagine how much of Armageddon 2001 #2 the writers and artists had to change after editorial began running around DC's offices screaming, "Everybody knows! We need to surprise them! Make up something else that doesn't make any sense! Step on it, you assholes!"

Justice League Europe Annual #2 Rating: No rating. I don't rate annuals. I don't even talk intelligently about comic books! I readily admit these aren't actually "reviews"! They're just read-alongs where I make snotty comments about terrible art and awful writing! And I rarely praise any of the creators who deserve to be praised because I'm a stingy, self-hating, low self-esteem piece of shit who offers nothing valuable to society at all. Are you happy now, Cullen Bunn?! You were right! I fucking suck!

That was more lying! If anything, I love myself too much, probably!

Justice League America #59 (February 1992)

Well, here's another old man reference . . .

This reference feels incomprehensibly older now than it actually did in 1991 because of how fast media and culture move in the digital age (don't get me wrong: the reference was fucking old already when this came out). This comic is from 1991; Laurel and Hardy were at the height of their fame through the 1920s to the 1950s. That makes this a 40-70 year old reference. Fucking old! But growing up in the '70s and early '80s when cable television was just making its foothold in homes all across America, children were at the whim of watching whatever local television stations were willing to pay for on a Sunday afternoon. Most weren't willing to pay much. But at least we hadn't quite gotten to the era where they realized they didn't have to pay anything and could actually make money by showing infomercials! So what we got growing up was repeated viewings of old black and white movies starring Shirley Temple, Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, The Three Stooges, The Little Rascals, and a bunch of other old stuff my memory has chosen not to hang on to. Occasionally you'd get something exciting because it was in color, like Pippi Longstockings or The Yellow Submarine or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But because we grew up on reruns of really old television and movies, old ass references like this in 1991 didn't seem as old as they actually were. I've been giving Giffen and DeMatteis a hard time about their out-of-date references because it makes me happy to do so. This is the first time I'm telling the truth about these things: if you were old enough to be reading Justice League America in 1991, you probably understood a healthy smattering of their half-a-century or older references.

That doesn't get them off the hook for all the more obscure ones that I didn't get or that were referencing films too sophisticated for a young person to watch in the '70s or '80s. But rereading these issues now, I have the Internet to help me understand their jokes that are actually just references to old popular media. It's not like I'm reading Pynchon here but I do occasionally need to look something up.

Also this cover views native peoples through the eyes of colonizers and imperialists and is absolutely racist. But nobody wants to hear that because in the Internet age the cover could be practically anything and some tumblr demagogue would get their followers up in arms about it, probably leading them to send a bunch of shitty direct messages to Wil Wheaton.

J'onn's talking about Dreamslayer and three alternate dimensional Disney automatons.

J'onn, being a mind reader, realizes this is the climactic battle of "Breakdowns" so he's playing up the danger of a fight between the Justice League and Dreamslayer in Max's body backed by three inactive robot villains. Queen Bee and Jack the Lantern were a bigger threat than this current one. Except that this is a written work and the writers are going to write it in such a way that the remnants of The Extremists will put up a thrilling fight right until the end. That end will probably be Max Lord's consciousness wresting control of Dreamslayer just when things seem bleakest and the Justice League are all about to die.

I suppose the biggest hurdle in this fight will be the Kooey Kooey Kooeyans. The League won't want to harm any of them because they're being mind-controlled. That's probably why they wind up being prepared for a native feast on the cover. And just because I said "native feast," it doesn't mean I agree with this cannibalistic depiction of island natives! So racist!

Dreamslayer does his villain monologue describing how he succeeded up until now unless it's a soliloquy because he's the only one in the room but then he addresses his speech to Silver Sorceress so maybe it's a one-sided dialogue? He explains how he used Max Lord's power to remote-control Wally West into stealing the Extremists from the London wax museum. I wonder if Wally ever found out how he was manipulated so easily? Was this one of the reasons he attended Sanctuary where he accidentally kills Blue Jay and a bunch of others?

I should pay special attention to how Blue Jay and The Flash get along in this series. Maybe the whole debacle at Sanctuary was really just a bunch of blood-spattered legerdemain so Wally could murder Blue Jay!

One day, Ted, you're going to wish you had killed Max.

There's a lot of pre-murdered characters in this issue!

The Justice League, scared and imitated by some disembodied sorcerer who has taken over the mind of their boss, land on the island. J'onn orders Blue Jay to scout around because he's not really useful for anything else.

Bart Sears was probably hoping Blue Beetle acting like an imperialist pig would distract readers from his depiction of Metamorpho's shoulder.

The Kooey Kooey Kooeyans attack but they're being mind-controlled so the Justice League has to avoid harming them, no matter what they do. They also can't be convicted of murder if they manage to kill one of the Justice League because they weren't in control. I've discussed before how the existence of mind-control would destroy the global system of justice because it would become the defense of every defendant ever all the time. "Innocent until proven they weren't mind-controlled" would be the new slogan of everybody defending the absolute worst people committing the absolute worst atrocities.

See? J.M. DeMatteis and Power Girl both understand exactly what assholes would get up to if mind-control existed!

Has a grabbed titty ever appeared in a Comics Code Authority approved comic book before? My guess is it hasn't! Which proves the whole mind-control destroying justice thing! Because even a mind-controlled character grabbing a titty has an exemption under the Comics Code!

The Justice League fly over the Kooey Kooey Kooeyans defending their island from this invasion and encounter Dreamslayer just a little ways off. Before Dreamslayer reveals his unstoppable plan, Silver Sorceress is shot in the gut by an arrow. That's good because using her magic against Dreamslayer would be too easy. So now she's helpless to cast any spells while Dreamslayer explains that all of the Kooey Kooey Kooeyans will kill themselves with one small push from his mind if they don't surrender. Of course, J'onn surrenders. What a wimp!

Dreamslayer takes over the minds of the Justice League members who infiltrated Kooey Kooey Kooey and forces them to dress up in coconuts and palm fronds. He then sends them out to kill the rest of the Justice League left behind: Catherine, Sue, Elongated Man, Guy Gardner, Ice, and Crimson Fox (possibly others. Am I supposed to keep them all straight?!). Luckily Batman had stopped in for a visit so the really powerful mind-controlled members are fucked. Nobody plans on The Batman!

Justice League America #59 Rating: B. Too bad Lobo wasn't in this one. He'd be a real asset to the "B" team back at headquarters, even more so than Batman. Silver Sorceress was left bleeding to death on the island because she's in too much pain to be mind-controlled. Maybe that's a clue as to how to free people from Dreamslayer's mental assault! Also a clue to free people: Max Lord's consciousness still exists. It sucks but he just might save the day. Nobody wants to read a comic book where the boring suit wearing boss saves his employees! Did Giffen and DeMatteis write this to suck Helfer and Dooley's dicks?! "Look, guys! The dumb boring boss saved the day! Bosses aren't totally useless pricks!" Or maybe the point of the story is that in every seemingly well-meaning boss there hides a fascist Dreamslayer who will, um, slay all of their, um, dreams! Ha ha! Take that, bosses all over the world!

Justice League America #58 (January 1992)

Lobo + Despero = Sexually satisfied and exhausted.

Rocket Red has been reduced to his helmet. That's usually a bad sign for Rocket Reds because it means it's time for the new Rocket Red to join the League. They've tried to establish Dmitri as a personality that stands apart from just the Rocket Red character but mostly he's just a guy with a Russian accent who gets English idioms wrong. That means he's easily replaced by the next stereotypical Russian in armor. Sorry, Dmitri, but there's just no room for a solidly fleshed out non-American character! Especially in 1992! We were still a very young country then and could only handle, intellectually, foreign stereotypes. Anything more complex and the American readers would think, "Is this character Canadian?" That's because the only complex characters we ever saw on television growing up were on Degrassi Junior High.

This issue begins with the most confusing line I've ever read in literature and that includes all of the things I've read by Gertrude Stein.

"Ugly one"?! "UGLY ONE"?! How fucking dare they!

I don't know what television would air a debate between a 70+ year old man and a penis but my penis has now challenged J.M. DeMatteis to debate about Lobo's handsomeness. My penis will fucking destroy DeMatteis!

I'm not sure I can stand this blatant disrespect for The Main Man. Certainly some level of subjective reasoning must be taken into account when we discuss aesthetics. But I also think we must acknowledge the objective truth when dealing with certain things and one of those things is the sexiness and attractiveness of Lobo. Some might consider his general look that of Space Clown or Glam Assassin. But we must also understand that even while they mock his general appearance, the gears are moving in their front bottoms to prepare for the Objective Truth they refuse to acknowledge in a public forum. I suppose I could agree that somebody finding Lobo ugly and yet still wanting to fuck him does not mean Lobo is not ugly. It just means that raw sex appeal is raw sex appeal and it cannot be denied. But even so, I will not forgive DeMatteis for trying to canonically label Lobo as "the ugly one." Even if Lobo is being drawn by Bart Sears this month.

The cover is by Chris Sprouse and it is subjectively gorgeous. I love me some bright comic book colors on stark white backgrounds.

I think I found the ugliest one: Bart Sears' Guy Gardner.

For some reason, Guy Gardner decides that leaving Lobo to beat up Despero wasn't the most obvious best plan. Instead, he decided pissing off Lobo so that the Justice League would have to fight Lobo and Despero was the way to go. Maybe it's just because I'm really lazy but I would love to have a Glam Assassin come down from space and do my job for me. Get to floor polishing, you stupid Space Clown!

While Guy Gardner distracts the greatest weapon the Justice League have against Despero, Martian Manhunter proves that Ralph Dibny is a fucking jerk.

Look at that! A hero who can stretch who has never once made their neck 20 feet long!

Technically Martian Manhunter can "shape change" but as I pointed out when I said "technically," he's really just a stretchy guy. Plastic Man might as well be called a shape changer. But maybe Ralph can't quite do the same things a "shape changer" can so the neck thing is all he really has. Oh, and the gross twitchy nose.

While Guy Gardner distracts Lobo and Rocket Red tries to lead Despero out of New York to prevent more destruction (although Major Disaster sort of took care of that already by destroying everything so that no more can be destroyed), Lord Havok teleports into the Justice League Cave to murder the Silver Sorceress. This is where I'd usually say something trite like "Luckily other members of the League are there to protect her" except the only members of the League still in the cave are Blue Jay, Elongated Man, Crimson Fox, Sue Dibny, and Catherine Cobert. Also there are the Injustice League which are barely worth mentioning and General Glory whom I wanted to leave out because he actually could be of some use in defending her.

Catherine radios for help when she realizes Ralph Dibny might currently be their only hope.

Jesus, Catherine. I thought you were the diplomatic one!

Catherine makes peace with her Lord when she realizes the only help coming is Blue Beetle. I understand that they're only battling one lousy Disney automaton but the "they" battling the automaton are the left over bits that the cat licks off your plate when you're done eating your Justice League International taco.

I can't know for sure if I filled my pants with baby mayo back when this issue was hot off the stands but if there was a time traveling betting shop that took odds on the various things that made me come in my underwear throughout my life, I'd probably put money on it having happened due to this page.

Guy Gardner and Lobo fist fighting in a trademark Giffen nine-square Brady Bunch layout? Yes please.

Other than Guy's ego and DeMatteis's need to increase the level of conflict and draw out the battle across more than one issue, it makes no sense that Guy Gardner tries to stop Lobo from defeating Despero. Lobo hasn't even caused any destruction in his fight with Despero. All of the buildings were already rubble thanks to Major Disaster! Lobo is a gift horse and Guy is all, "How are his teeth?"

That shield that saved Guy's life was projected by Booster Gold. Lobo turns his attention to Booster Gold and so I'm just going to assume that Booster Gold is dead now. I don't remember him dying but then he probably just got resurrected almost immediately, comic books being what they are.

DeMatteis finally reveals where Kilowog and L'ron will get the parts to create the control mechanism to shut Despero down using the collar around his neck: L'ron's innards! The little guy must sacrifice his life to save his adopted home planet and all his new friends. This is the part where I'd probably tear up a little bit if I had a heart or if I felt any emotional connection to L'ron or if my dick wasn't so Goddamned hard after several pages of Lobo beating people into pulp. DeMatteis should have timed the reveal better.

The middle of the comic book just seems like two pages of various panels with the Justice Leagues battling Lord Havok and Despero but actually it's a double-page spread highlighting how cowardly and weak the Injustice League are. The pages feel redundant because hasn't that been what 25% of the total stories in this series have been?

Aw shit. Cullen Bunn's tumblr catchphrase for metrosexual Lobo, "Sorry not sorry," has some support in regular continuity.

Guy Gardner returns the favor and saves Booster's life by punching Lobo into the bay. Coincidentally, that's where the rest of the Justice League are now battling Despero (and by "battling," I mean "getting killed by").

It's embarrassing for the rest of the characters in the story when Lobo is the voice of reason.

Oh wait. I just found a way for the Justice League characters to be even more embarrassed.

I can't read minds but I imagine Despero is currently thinking either "Yes" or "Who?"

Back at the cave, Lord Havok has Catherine and Silver Sorceress cornered and is about to kill them when reinforcements (of a kind) arrive.

Even in the middle of a life threatening situation, there's always time to call out sexism.

Take a look at Beetle's face in the above panel. Now you know why I scoff loudly so the people around me in the coffee shop where I'm reading my comic book can hear whenever I read a letter praising Bart Sears as the best artist working for DC (or even just a competent artist). I don't know what kind of bullshit aesthetics rule the mind of comic book fans and J.M. DeMatteis, but how is the narrator not butting in at this point to say, "Sorry, the truly ugly one is Blue Beetle or any regular human drawn by Bart Sears. And don't get me started on their hair! Although Lobo's hair seems to work really well with his style."

Blue Beetle quickly turns the ship around in the space between panels and blasts Lord Havok with the engines, reducing him to a pile of ash and burnt robot bits. It's the kind of heroic move I'd love to see more often. Like maybe in Detective Comics except with Batman in the Batplane doing it to The Joker.

Dammit! It's too late to get me to like Ralph Dibny, guys. But this almost worked!

Based on that last panel and the earlier bit in the "Breakdowns" arc when the Ex-Leaguers were adventuring together, I think DC missed the mark by continuing to have Blue Beetle and Booster Gold pal around as best friends. I might like Ralph and Ted's interactions even better! Sure, some would say it's the same banter and Giffen and DeMatteis don't really care which characters are speaking which parts. But there's definitely a subtle difference with the Ted/Ralph banter over the Ted/Michael Jon banter.

Lobo finally decides to stop going easy on the Justice League and just destroy them so he can get around to his real job of catching Despero. They should feel honored! Lobo is going to kill them all for free! That doesn't happen often, what with his solid work ethic and all.

I wonder why nobody has ever paid for Lobo to come by my place on my birthday and beat the shit out of me? I guess my friends just don't really care.

Justice League America #58 Rating: A+. Not only did this issue receive an "A+" because Lobo was in it but it also received that grade because Lobo was fantastic in it. He beat up several people and he had some good lines and he looked downright sexy doing it too! It's got me wondering: why am I reading these old Justice League comic books when I have a whole self-titled series starring Lobo?! I should read one issue every week or so, as a treat.

Justice League Europe #33 (December 1991)

I love when the cover instantly lets me know the rating this issue will receive: A+!

Lobo and a Doom Patrol reference on the cover?! It's almost as if this cover were made for me! I say "almost" because Lobo still has his pants on.

I just had a terrible thought. Despero is naked and has no penis. Captain Atom is naked except for a thin silver laminate of radioactive material and has no penis. Booster Gold wears skin tight latex and has no penis. What if Lobo also has no penis?! My God! What if the only character in the DC Universe that has a penis is Doctor Manhattan?

I know, I know! Batman showed his penis in a Black Label comic book! But it was quickly taken out because DC canon is that Batman does not have a penis and he does not engage in cunnilingus. Which forces one to ask this question: "Why the fuck does Catwoman put up with him?!"

How come DC never put out a cereal called "DC O's" with little marshmallow Amazos, Desperos, Lobos, and Starros? Missed opportunity, guys.

Gerard Jones continues to mine Yeats' "Second Coming" for the titles of his "Breakdowns" issues this month with "Mere Anarchy." It's a good pull for a huge fight between Lobo and Despero but might I suggest "What Rough Beast"? I'm sure he's got that one in the hopper for an even more appropriate issue.

Monty Python's Flying Circus?

Catherine is, of course, screaming about Despero who has just destroyed Times Square like in another story with a character that actually has a penis (remember? I mentioned him earlier!). All the countries on Earth become united against the threat of an alien menace. Despero accidentally becomes the hero Ozymandias thought he was. Unless what actually happens is J'onn blames Manga Khan for losing control of Despero rather than blaming himself for selling Despero to an intergalactic flea marketer. J'onn also doesn't take responsibility for the Justice League causing this tragedy by making a huge enemy of Despero and then not killing him because Batman said that was bad. Look, you assholes. I'm not normally for killing in the name of justice but in an extraordinary universe you have to take extraordinary actions. I don't believe in God but if I were in the DC Universe, I'd be an idiot not to believe in Gods since they're walking around all over the place. In the same manner, I'd have to believe in killing in the name of justice if I were in the DC Universe because what else are you going to fucking do?! Unless Superman suddenly gave everybody access to The Phantom Zone, how else are you supposed to stop these maniacs from killing over and over again? And also, The Phantom Zone itself isn't a perfect answer as we've seen every time some Kryptonian villain pulls a Joker-out-of-Arkham and winds up on Earth killing regular people to force a confrontation with Superman. New York City Councilwoman Elizabeth Alderman knew the answer before anybody else and she was painted as a villain. But she was right! These heroes are a threat because their enemies always attack the public to get at the heroes, or start a huge cosmic brawl in the middle of the city just to—I don't know—punish their child or sister for not wanting to be evil or something (e.g. Trigon, Deathstroke, Mento, Blackfire).

Now, I don't blame heroes and I don't think they're responsible for the evil their enemies do. I blame lazy comic book writers who stopped trying to come up for criminal motivations for the bad guys and simply decided the main motivation of every super villain was to get revenge for the one time they were captured by the heroes. Obviously if the heroes are simply defending themselves, or defending the public from the threat of the villain attempting to get revenge on the heroes, they cease to be heroes. They have now become a huge part of the problem and the only sane thing to do if you're Batman (or the like) is to retire so that The Joker stops killing thousands of people twice a year so he can battle you. Okay, there is one more sane thing Batman could do: kill The Joker. But apparently Batman's zero kill tally is more important than all of the future victims of The Joker.

I guess I should also blame the medium of comic books which take place in a weird static timeline that never really reaches any conclusion and needs to milk the rivalry between long established characters. But that really just goes back to the lazy writers who can't be bothered to figure out a way for the heroes to discover the bad guys doing some bad thing so instead just have the bad guys leave a note for Batman or go on television and say, "I will kill five citizens every hour until the Titans give themselves up!" Then the Titans don't give themselves up because Dick Grayson would be all, "If we give up, the bad guy will just kill more citizens! We have to not give up and ignore all the people he kills so we can be praised later for saving all the people the bad guy didn't kill!"

I like to view these two panels as an homage to The Police's "Synchronicity II" and how they show the cop is the real monster.

Despero throws a DC Comics billboard at the police which is another metaphor of some kind which I'll leave to you to figure out because I'm still trying to wrap my mind around DC Comics existing in the DC Universe. I say "still trying" because Giffen and his cohorts love reference DC Comics within the DC Comics universe. I don't know how it works. Have they all signed away their likeness rights? Do they get to approve the scripts? Was that story about Guy Gardner meeting with Keith, J.M., and Andy not a parody and actually canon?

I like to view this panel as an homage to anal.

Why do all of these panels have me thinking about sex?

J'onn J'onzz, Sex Therapist.

Despero's naked ass has my mind in a weird place. It's so well formed with such a nice, defining crack and yet, no fruit and veg. Having no penis at all is more distracting than if they pulled the Austin Powers' thing every panel to hide what was obviously there. I don't want to live in a world where Despero doesn't have a thick hog.

Yeah, no idea why I keep thinking about sex.

I think I might be into hate fucking.

Lobo arrives. Or Lobo arrived and has been watching Despero beat the shit out of the Justice League. And why not? Let his prey tire itself out fuck fighting the Justice League before going in for the easy knockout. But before that can happen, Major Disaster creates an earthquake to not faze Despero at all and to destroy even more of Times Square. J'onn flies off calling him an idiot but, once again, I think J'onn really should be looking inward. He's making a lot of terrible decisions as the leader of the Justice League. I hate to think it but where is Batman?!

I've been wondering why this comic book was so thick as I've been reading it and I just discovered there's a whole Sonic the Hedgehog story advert slammed in the middle of this issue. I am not reading it.

Sonic looks like he has a bald man emerging from his stomach.

Every single member of the Justice League begin to complain about Major Disaster's fuck up but not one of them thinks, "The Injustice League was a huge joke and could never do anything right and even when we tried to steer them away from a life of crime they were defeated by some vampiric penguins and wound up unemployed and homeless. This is absolutely J'onn's fault." I hope Councilwoman Alderman shuts the Justice League down!

L'ron recognizes the mind control collar which adorns Despero's neck because he designed it. And he knows how to build a new control mechanism for it so he enlists Kilowog's help. But there's only one place to find the materials to make the collar on Earth and it is ... well, I don't know where it is because too many comic book writers like to build tension by withholding information. They think, "The reader will be on tenterhooks wondering what the characters know that they are not privy too!" More comic book writers should realize that the real tension is revealing the dramatic thing and leaving the story at the point of revelation. Then the reader is all, "Oh my God! Not that!" That's much better plotting than leaving the reader with "What? WHAT?! What the fuck, you stupid piece of shit comic book! Stop keeping the story from me!" They should read more Stephen King where he starts his books like this: "Nobody likes to think much about that night Carrie killed half the town." But they shouldn't follow Stephen King's lead based on at least his first four books which all end with the location of the story being burned to the ground. You'd think an editor might have mentioned that a little earlier. I say "at least" because I don't remember how The Dead Zone ends. But then his fifth book was Firestarter so I'm thinking maybe King just figured burning everything to the ground was his thing.

Booster Gold sees the battle on the news and decides to join the fight without his Conglomerate teammates. But I don't see how that can last because The Conglomerate were created for some reason. Put them in a fucking comic book already!

Finally, Uncle Mitch Wacky gets Lord Havok back online but only because he used parts from the other Extremist automatons. So at least The Extremists won't be a threat. It's just the worst of them (Lord Havok) and Dreamslayer in Max Lord's body. I'm pretty sure the Justice League can defeat Lord Havok. And Max Lord will probably defeat Dreamslayer in a mind contest.

Justice League Europe #33 Rating: A+. Not only is this issue an A+ but I already know Justice League America #58 and Justice League Europe #34 will also receive A+ ratings because I can see Lobo on the cover of both of them! The '90s truly were the greatest time to be a comic book fan!

Justice League Europe #32 (November 1991)

Another Giffen/DeMatteis old fashioned phrase usage.

In 1991, these guys must have been the oldest late-thirty year olds in the comic book business. Just try to hold them back from a reference that was at least fifty years old and much older than themselves. It couldn't be done! Editorial, who were probably twenty to thirty years older than they were at the time, must have loved these whippersnappers. "Good show, good show," they would mutter after reading a Giffen/DeMatteis script that referenced, in 1991, Mae West, Lou Costello, and the trial of Sacco and Vanzetti.

I understand that their references sound even older fifty years later because they are very much older now because that's the way time works and maybe I shouldn't complain because time was different pre-Internet. But culture speeds along so much faster in the Internet Age of the 21st Century that these references might as well be stone aged cave paintings. But also in the Internet Age, you can actually (if you're curious) discover where these references came from. But only if you're good at Internetting. I tried to figure out where "It's a doozy" came from but I'm no Thomas Pynchon. I don't have access to whatever time machine Pynchon uses to live in the age he's writing about so that he can be as historically accurate as he is. Plus I'm easily distracted so instead of discovering the phrase probably morphed from "It's a daisy," especially because a car ad campaign for a car whose name could be shortened to "doozy" made "It's a doozy" popular in the '20s, I immediately tripped over a Reddit post where somebody heard the phrase in some show and was all, "This is obviously a reference to Groundhog's Day." That post made me shit myself and vomit at the same time because my immune system has no defense against people on the Internet who recognize something from some other thing they're familiar with and instantly believe the thing they've most recently experienced was obviously an homage to the thing they were already familiar with. Half the time, they don't even check the dates and wind up asking Neil Gaiman on tumblr, "Was this moment in your book a reference to this other pop culture thing I know about it?" And then Neil is all, "Well I don't own a time machine so the thing I wrote which came out first couldn't possibly be a reference to that much older thing, you fucking idiot." Neil, being a polite person, always leaves out the "you fucking idiot" part but I know he thought it as he hit enter on his keyboard.

I also understand this is a Keith Giffen and Gerard Jones script so I probably shouldn't have even mentioned DeMatteis but what am I supposed to do? Not get confused about which comic book I'm reading when they're basically the same comic book and also involved in a lengthy crossover story? I am not a god.

That wasn't a reference to Young Guns because the pronoun is incorrect and I also didn't mention pulling any triggers. Just clarifying that for all the Internet pop culture detective narcissists.

This fucking issue is called "The Center Cannot Hold" because I told you it would be. Except I made a joke that it would be called a lesser line that nobody would give a fuck about or remember because that leans more to my hyperbolic and facetious carefree and whimsical attitude. I'd rather sound ignorant than correct. But the brain inside my heart knew Jones would use this line as the next title. I suppose the final issue of this "Breakdowns" thing will be called "The Falconer Lost His Fucking Falcon." Ha ha no it will be this: "Slouches Towards Bethlehem."

Jones wastes three of the first four pages with a flashback showing how the JLE came to live in a cave.

I guess showing how The Flash has rage issues, how Blue Jay and Silver Sorceress still don't feel quite settled, and how Metamorpho uses expressions I've never heard before was important thematically. Like if I eventually find out Rex Mason is from Pittsburgh, I'll be all, "Oh, that's why he says so many odd things that I don't understand! 'Get your daubers up' must be an old steel making expression!" Or when Blue Jay kills himself, I won't think, "He must have finally realized his power of shrinking and flying are the dumbest combination of powers to have!" Instead I'll be compassionate and feel sincere empathy for his loneliness! And when Wally West eventually goes to super hero therapy and winds up killing Blue Jay and some others, instead of thinking, "Tom King sucks," I'll think, "His unbridled rage and inappropriate sexual comments towards his coworkers finally got out of hand!"

Just to keep the record straight because most people have terrible reading comprehension, I don't think Tom King sucks. I didn't say or think that. That's a thing I just pointed out I wouldn't think because I read this issue of Justice League Europe which set up how angry Wally West could get! Also because I love everything Tom King writes because he isn't shackled by continuity and fan service. Also also you should always blame editorial and Dan DiDio if some writer writes something you don't like. As if Tom King or any writer at DC has the pull to fuck up any character they want! You think Johns wanted Blue Beetle to get shot in the face? Oh, you know what? Johns probably did want Blue Beetle shot in the face. Unless Judd Winick wrote that part. Although Max Lord didn't say "Again!" when he shot Ted so it probably wasn't written by Winick.

If you're looking for casual pop culture references that don't actually improve the current writing or make any sense really then that one was for you: a reference to the time Judd was on Real World: San Francisco and he was discussing his writing process with one of his dumb roommates. Man, I hope the dumb roommate he was talking to wasn't his future wife! I wouldn't want to insult his "Rachel didn't love me because she fell for that asshole puck so I guess I choose you" true love, Pam.

Christ. I just reread what I wrote. I'm such a prick.

Oh! The other reason to drag the story out was to rub J'onn's face in how the Europe crew all stuck together instead of throwing tantrums and disbanding.

Meanwhile in space, all the boring Manga Khan crap dealing with Despero being used as a world killing puppet but immediately breaking free and escaping to Earth after a potential buyer is killed while test driving Despero pays off.

Be still, my beating loins.

Even when Darick Robertson interprets Lobo as a Beelejuice/Art Garfunkel getting electrocuted hybrid, I can't get enough of him. Even though Robertson gave him a majorly receding hairline and Insane Clown Posse makeup and yellow peril mustache, my love endures. Especially when Darick draws Lobo's forearms so thick and veiny. I'm about to fill my underpants with love swoon.

I had an inkling that Lobo appeared in "Breakdowns" but I was worried it was delusion masquerading as hope brought on by my enduring love for this raunchy space clebel (clown + rebel). Plus he'll be fighting on the side of the Justice League to take out Despero. Is this when writers and editors realized Lobo's perfect fit was the unkillable, unbeatable anti-hero who is only fighting on the right side because the right person is paying him? Or was all that already figured out during The Omega Men and/or L.E.G.I.O.N.?

Ralph Dibny and his weird long neck should have been a member of the Doom Patrol.

Wally, Ted, and Ralph wind up in a hallucinatory landscape being led to a flying nose by a little guy with a bureau for a head. I don't know if this is Gerard Jones' attempt at being Doom Patrol weird or if he's mocking Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol as some kind of bullshit weirdness for weirdness sake. Maybe this was just Jones' attempt at writing Ann Nocenti dialogue. If it's the first one, Jones doesn't have the chops for impenetrable but alluring weirdness. If it's the second one, it's insulting to Grant Morrison to believe there's no rhyme or reason to Grant's use of weirdness. If it's the last one, he nailed Nocenti's dialogue. Five stars. No notes.

Just pages and pages of this unreadable swill.

I was excited for a Doom Patrol cameo but now I'm just sad and angry. To not be sad and angry and to maybe give Gerard Jones the benefit of the doubt, this entire scene was caused by a hallucinogenic gas used by The Chief to keep people from wandering into his inner sanctum. What better way to keep people out than to assault them with the dumbest characters spouting the worst dialogue you've ever read (assuming you've never read an Ann Nocenti comic book. If you have, just change that sentence to read "nearly the worst dialogue you've ever read"). Obviously anybody with an ounce of dignity would turn around and not put up with this level of shit writing. It's a really good security measure thought up by The Chief!

Inspector Camus, working as some kind of liaison for Justice League Europe now, investigates a disappearance from Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. It seems The Extremists (who were automatons from their previous world) were put on display in the museum. They were placed behind one of Booster Gold's force fields to keep them locked away and safe from causing harm. But they've either escaped, been stolen, or turned invisible because their display is now empty and the force field is still up. It's a mystery! But not as big a mystery as Batman and Robin's wax-work pose.

I didn't mean the mystery was what they were doing. The mystery is why somebody would pose them engaged in anal.

And finally, Max Lord wakes up from his coma after hearing Multi-man and Major Disaster discuss the United Nations walking away from the team. As if that were the entire reason for Max Lord's accident! If it was an accident. Is it physically possible for somebody to snipe themselves in their own head? Was that ever an episode of Mythbusters? Oh wait. Max can Manchurian Candidate people so anybody could have been the shooter, really.

Justice League Europe #32 Rating: A+. I may not be a great reviewer of comic books but I try to be consistent and since Lobo appeared in this issue, it's one of the best comic books I've ever read. Right up there with the last time Lobo appeared in a Justice League comic book. Or that time Lobo appeared in Action Comics. Or the time Lobo had his own series. Or that incredible issue of Omega Men where Lobo was introduced! So many A+ comic books out there. So weird how they all star Lobo.

Justice League Europe #31 (October 1991)

Does Ralph's elasticity extend to his hair?

This issue is called "Things Fall Apart" which means it's super intelligent and artsy. I still love "The Second Coming" but I have to admit, the part in The Sopranos where Anthony Junior becomes obsessed with it seemed prescient. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention at the time and the worst people in the world were already obsessed with it and showing their ignorance by quoting it in situations where they thought they were making a point but they were really exposing how ignorant they were. I just recently watched The Sopranos for the first time so I first began to realize loads and loads of people were quoting "The Second Coming" when that shit pile of rancid maggot shit television show Heroes used it. I've since seen it used in other various places but fuck if I can remember where. My main memory of the poem first being used by a clueless individual was when my friend Soy Rakelson, who was always full of passionate intensity, began quoting the lines about the worst people being full of the same while the best lacked all conviction. It always made my head hurt. Anyway, I'm no Yeats scholar so even though I love the poem, I know I'm missing a ton of meaning in it because that guy's entire oeuvre was basically a cypher full of his own metaphors and symbols. People love "The Second Coming" because all the words seem to make some kind of mysterious sense (plus it has some of the best poetic pull quotes in the game) whereas a fuckton of Yeats' other poems just leave your brain struggling with the sudden realization that you are the dumbest person on Earth. Also "The Second Coming" has the line, "And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born." Fucking kick ass, man!

Look, after 4000 or so comic book blog entries, a person is going to begin repeating themselves. Usually not in such rapid succession. I mean, it was just last issue of Justice League Europe that I copy and pasted that from! I suppose next issue is going to be called "The Ceremony of Innocence is Drowned," mostly because Gerard Jones is all about drowning innocence. That could have been a much better joke if Jones had been convicted for drowning some kids instead of just collecting sexual abuse images of kids because then I could have said, "Jones is all about drowning innocents." Sure, it wouldn't actually be funny in the sense that it would make a person laugh because everything Jones has done (and also all the stuff he hasn't done which I'm pretending he has now, like drowning kids) is awful. Except Green Lantern: Mosaic. That was pretty fucking good. Not good enough to forgive what he did! But good enough to ignore that he's the writer of Green Lantern: Mosaic while I'm reading it. You know, the way people ignore the person who wrote those books about the kid magician. No, not Neil Gaiman. The British TERF. You know what hag I'm speaking of.

This issue begins with Sue Dibny having a rape fantasy dream about Captain Atom.

Look how hard she's coming.

Okay, that's probably Catherine Cobert. But I wish it were Sue. Sue wants atomic dick so badly.

Oh shit. I just reread that page and I think it was meant to be malevolent and a nightmare! I think she's crying at the end! But I don't think she's crying because the dream scared her. She's crying because Captain Atom died between "Breakdowns, Part 5" and "Breakdowns, Part 6" in the second issue of Armageddon 2001 and she'll actually never get to fuck him like she obviously wanted. Or maybe she's crying because she knows Captain Atom should be Monarch and she's upset that DC decided to take a huge swerve and make Hank Hall Monarch—a move which makes no sense upon reading the series and all the annuals. Look, DC. We all knew it was going to be Captain Atom. But you thought it would be better to publish a story that surprises the audience and makes no sense instead of publishing the story that makes sense which everybody guessed because, you know, you were successful with your foreshadowing and character development. You idiots.

"War of the Gods" as well? Christ, DC. Maybe string out your big event story arcs across the entire year instead of cramming them all into summer next time.

Some of you might be calling me a fucking moron right now because in what universe is October summer? Well, in the comic book universe, you fucking jerks! The month on the cover of a comic book was always about three months ahead of the month the book was actually published. This was some old timey publishing trick to keep magazines on newsstands longer because the seller would look at the cover and be all, "Oh, this book is still new! It says October but it's only August! That doesn't make sense but I guess I'm falling for it!"

This thing with Kara and Captain Atom not being around for the rest of "Breakdowns" is why I despise the need for absolute comic book continuity. I'm reading this years later. How the fuck would I know Kara was participating in "War of the Gods" and this comic book at the same time? I fucking wouldn't. But some asshole basement dweller's mom kept buying him stamps in the '70s and '80s so that he could send letters to DC to point out when a character was somehow appearing in two comic books in the same week. And the editors were all, "I can't read another one of these letters that smells of stale farts and Cheeto dust. We must get a tighter control on our continuity!" Anyway, that's the first five pages spent letting readers know what characters won't be available for the rest of the story due to conflicting story arcs in other comic books that most readers probably aren't even reading.

Meanwhile in deep space, Despero remembers how much he hates the Justice League. He's flying to Earth to try, one more time, to murder them all. But this time he has a fancy new collar that enables a person with the right remote to control his behavior. But that remote is floating in deep space and I don't think universal remote controls existed in 1991. So unless Kilowog invents one in a hurry, the collar will remain decorative.

I wonder why DC never made this a wall poster?

Even though this is the Justice League Europe comic book, they only appear because Justice League America needed help responding to whatever this sexy situation Fire and Ice have gotten themselves into. And before you chastise me for equating violence with eroticism, just remember that some people need to be choked during a good fuck! If Fire and Ice are battling for their lives here, I would think Darick Robertson is to blame for me thinking they're having the time of their lives. I know looking at this panel, I'm having the time of mine!

Sometimes I wish I didn't rely so thoroughly on the creepy image of the leering, sex-starved comic book nerd trope of the '80s. Or '70s. Or '90s. Or '50s. Or '60s. But probably not the '00s or later because those decades took place after the first X-men movie after which it became mainstream to like comic books. If you want proof that before that movie comic books were only for nerds and outcasts, I can't give it to you. But I was at Comicon in San Diego the year X-men came out and it would be unrecognizable to fans today. People were actually there for comic books! And Kevin Smith, I suppose. But not for Paris Themmen, poor guy. I mean, I was there for him. But absolutely nobody else was.

I feel really bad, 23 years later, that I took this picture but didn't purchase anything.

This picture was taken at the 2000 Comicon. I know this for certain because my friend Upright and I saw X-men at the theater while in San Diego. While digging out this picture, I also found badges from three earlier Comicons: '96, '97, and '98. So I've been to four Comicons? That boggles my mind. I remember one where I got super drunk at a party where they put on Trainspotting and while I can usually understand Scottish accents, I was so drunk that it just sounded like a foreign language. I remember another one where I purchased a dozen or more pirated Sailor Moon VHS tapes because they were of seasons past the Queen Beryl season that had been dubbed for North American television. And the one where we were trying to get into the Star Wars collectible card game. And the one where we had breakfast with Dan Santat and convinced him to do the art for our Alternative Press Expo Special of our Galactic Hero Corps fanzine. Also I guess we looked at comic books and shit. Oh! There was the one where we went to a tiny panel about the upcoming Elfquest movie which never did upcome. Fucking lying Marv Wolfman! I don't blame Wendy and Richard at all. They probably wanted the movie to happen nearly as much as I did.

But I was going to say before Truth broke in with all her matter-of-fact about Mike Teevee and the San Diego Comicon, Fire and Ice seem to be battling Norse Gods. The three in the sexy panel are Baldur, Thor, and Loki. I bet Marvel was just bristling at this scene and their inability to copyright myths and legends.

Goddamn. This scene just keeps getting sexier.

Baldur and Thor flex their muscles but ultimately it just takes Loki a few seconds to defeat the Justice League by turning them into trees.

J'onn still traumatized from being turned into a tree way back in 1962.

Well, that killed the sexiness of this scene really quick. Trees are only sexy to elves and that one producer who insisted the tree raping scene remained in the 2013 remake of The Evil Dead, Evil Dead. Sometimes trees grow into shapes where they look like they have boobs or dongs or buttholes but even those are only slightly sexy because I don't want a beetle going up my dickhole.

Turns out Loki just covered the heroes in a shell of wood instead of actually turning them into trees. None of them realized this because they're all dumb as fuck. Only Metamorpho figures it out and that's mostly by accident. These idiots actually thought they were wood when they had simply been encased in wood. True, I've never felt what that was like, so maybe I'm judging them too harshly. Maybe if I were encased in wood, I would think, "I'm still able to think so my guess is that I haven't actually been turned into wood. And why is my dick hard? Am I an elf?"

Guy breaks free after Metamorpho does and then Guy breaks out J'onn who could have simply phased through the wood immediately. I suspect he was too traumatized from the first time he was turned into a tree and was in shock. After J'onn is saved, he insults Ice.

Beetle was right. Nobody fucking respects Ice's powers!

Loki, Thor, and Baldur disappear leaving this plot thread either dangling or tied up. It's hard to tell because nothing fucking happened. Ice ran off to save her people in the last part of "Breakdowns" and now, after nothing was resolved, she declares they're safe. What the fuck was that about? Did somebody at DC simply want to irk somebody at Marvel by sticking Loki and Thor in their funny book?

Metamorpho feels the way I do. He basically says, "What the fuck was that about?" Everybody else is all, "Maybe we should just move on! It'll all become clear later. Maybe! Was it a 'War of the Gods' crossover? Who can tell?!"

The issue ends with the United Nations revoking the League's international charter which means all the members of Justice League Europe just got their visas cancelled. Time to move back to the states and not have a job!

Justice League Europe #31 Rating: D+. Nothing happened in this issue that wasn't spoiled by the cover. A few pages were spent explaining why Captain Atom and Kara wouldn't be in the comic (even if Kara was on the cover). A few pages were spent on a battle with Norse Gods that didn't matter. And then the League's charter was revoked which the cover already mentioned. I guess maybe Despero heading back to Earth was relevant to the chaos to ensue? I imagine Loki will return as well. That plot thread has to pay off somewhere down the line. The cat wasn't even in this issue! Did he go off to fight in the War of the Gods with Kara?