Death of Hawkman #6

Yay! It's the moment we've all been waiting for!

If I'm cheated out of reading the actual death of hawkman with some bullshit comic book fuckery, I am demanding my money back from DC Comics. And if they don't pay up, I'm suing the fuck out of them. And damages will be a whole lot more than just the twenty four dollars I initially demanded be refunded. I'm suing for every fucking dollar I gave them during The New 52 and that whore's piles of a series, Convergence.

The Review!
This review only needs one thing: a scan of the panel where Hawkman dies. If that doesn't happen, this comic book is going to drop a lot in the rankings! I'm tired of being lied to by comic book covers and mothers!

Oh no you don't! He's totally worth killing! He's twenty four dollars worth killing!

Hawkman does die but it's not gruesome or entertaining enough to scan. Sorry! He just punches his Nth Metal through Despero's head which drains him of his qi and he becomes a desiccated corpse which withers into a skeleton wearing a winged helmet and floating in space. But Despero reforms because Despero is made out of pure Nth metal now! I'm sure Hawkman doesn't at all live inside of him now that his Nth Metal is a part of Despero. I'm fairly certain Hawkman won't be reborn out of Despero's anus in the next series, The Extremely Painful Rebirth of Hawkman. I'm almost completely and utterly certain that the ending of this comic which reads "Not the end. Nowhere near it" is actually he end. No way this comic earned enough to ensure a sequel, right? Even with everybody purchasing it because they wanted to jerk off to Hawkman dying, the miserable bastards. Not me, of course! The reason I didn't scan Hawkman's death panel has nothing at all to do with love juice stains and everything to do with whatever lie I told earlier.

The Ranking!
-4! Yes, you read that right! MINUS FUCKING FOUR! Sure, I'm glad Hawkman died. But why couldn't the final page say "The End. Forever. We totally mean it."?

Death of Hawkman #5

Is this some sexist commentary about how women are easily manipulated? Or just some fan service Hawkman nipple?

The Review!
My friends and I once wrote a Galactic Hero Corps story called "The Death of Mr. Mystic." The joke was that during the mission, Buck the Ogre was the one who died. Mr. Mystic just died of old age at the end of the story. The tone of the Galactic Hero Corps was always stupid whimsy so you might expect that kind of thing when reading it. But I'm not sure if the tone of this comic book is supposed to be so ridiculous that it's okay to kill Green Lantern Isamot in the middle of a Death of Hawkman story. I suppose it does fix one thing that always bothered me since Isamot's ring flies over to the finger of a winged Thanagarian. That makes more sense for a Green Lantern of Thanagar than Isamot ever did! Sure, Thanagar is made up of several different races (or something. What am I? A scholar of the Polaris solar system?!) but nobody thinks of Thanagar when they see a Lizarkon (or whatever! Remember that thing about not being a scholar?!).

Also, Hawkgirl wasn't in this issue at all so I don't know why she's beating up Hawkman's nipples on the cover.

Aside from all that, Despero just keeps making trouble. He's definitely controlling Alanna so I guess she's not as huge a dick as I've been speculating.

The Ranking!
No change!

Death of Hawkman #4

I hope Hawkman dies this issue!

The Review!
Hawkman still isn't dead! Zero stars! But Despero is now covered in Nth Metal! As if he wasn't already powerful enough. Now he's also practically invincible. I hope he suffers some kind of heavy metal toxicity from being covered in so much of the stuff.

Alanna is still being a real asshole warmonger. Despero explains it as her being driven mad by her father's supposed death. But a better explanation would be that Despero is controlling her mind. Otherwise she's being a real fucking dick who's going to get everybody killed.

Adam Strange is also still in this comic book but he doesn't do much this issue aside from almost throw up a number of times.

Death of Hawkman #3

I hope these two guys discuss archaeology for most of this book.

I hope Andreyko decides to surprise everybody and kill off Hawkman three issues early! The story would still have to deal with the aftermath of Hawkman's death and Adam Strange would have to overcome crazy odds to win (because he's, you know, just stupid Adam Strange. All he has is a laser pistol. Although it's better than a mace, I guess?). The only reason I can think to not kill Hawkman this issue is that it's the only reason most of us are probably reading this series. As soon as Hawkman dies, I'll be satisfied with the story.

Adam Strange is having trouble dealing with killing people. He's not used to being in actual wars where lives are at stake. The only thing he's good at is banging his students. He's apparently so manly that he nearly vomits seeing Katar's penis. Unless Thanagarians have disgusting looking genitals. That's probably a better explanation.

Seeing Katar's penis was where the flashback left off last issue. The story continues from there which is a shame because Hawkman is definitely not going to be dying in a flashback.

Aha! Strange is definitely intrigued by Katar's nakedness!

The woman who bedded Hawkman is named Seraphene so if I knew anything about DC Comics, I'd probably know how she's super important now or something. The only Seraphene I can think of is one of those Forever People. But I don't think she's white or blonde or into fucking Hawkmen.

Katar and Adam realize Despero is behind the attempt to set Rann and Thanagar on a path to war. But they're no match for Despero! They're only C-List members of Justice League Canada. What can they do to save two worlds from destroying each other?

Seraphene might not be as important as I thought she'd be. She's just a plot point so that the security forces on Thanagar would know where to find Adam Strange when the report goes out that he's wanted.

Cyborg is able to confirm that Despero is no longer in Belle Reve. Well, maybe somebody should have placed him in The Catacombs underneath Death Valley! That's where the truly dangerous cosmic villains are supposed to be held. I guess The Catacombs didn't actually exist at the time. Or maybe Batman forgot to tell Justice League Canada about the prison.

Before Hawkman and Adam Strange can begin their pursuit of Despero (without any help because, as usual, the rest of the League is "on a mission." And nobody cares if Cyborg joins them. It's going to take a lot more than a White Noise Cannon to stop Despero), some Thanagarian security guards arrive to beat the shit out of Adam Strange.

Back on his home planet, Despero kills the priests maintaining the stasis pods of everyone on Kalador. He then frees them and convinces them to be his army to take over some other planets. I hear Rann and Thanagar are particularly nice this time of the galactic cycle. I mean, I don't know where they're actually headed but Hawkman and Adam Strange are headed to Kalador, so maybe they'll run into each other along the way.

Meanwhile, Alanna is acting like an asshole. Maybe she's only now realizing Adam Strange's abuse of power and manipulation of trust in forming a relationship with one of his students. Or student aides. Nearly the same thing.

The Ranking!
No change. DC Comics has decided that all of their mini-series need to be six issues long. But none of their writers seem to be able to come up with a six issue long story. So the pacing is generally all over the place as they try to stretch what little story they have over 120 pages. This issue is absolutely a filler issue. Everything that happened this issue could easily have taken place in a couple pages at the end of last issue and maybe a couple pages at the beginning of the next issue. And I'm sure both of those issues have some pages they could have tossed out.

Death of Hawkman #2

Last issue was mostly a trip to the DMV. I hope this one features a more exciting errand.

Either this issue actually features Hawkman or DC figures people read the first issue and know what's up because this cover doesn't read "Featuring Adam Strange!" I still think this should be called "Adam Strange stars in Strange's Death of Hawkman featuring Adam Strange!"

For this next paragraph, I'm going to assume there are people who like Hawkman.

How would you like to be a fan of Hawkman and then have to read a book about Adam Strange? And, assuming as well that there are Adam Strange fans, how would you like to miss the biggest story featuring Adam Strange because the title was "Death of Hawkman" and all you could think was "Stupid!" as you passed it by to pick up Red Hood and the Outlaws? Well, you'd probably feel like an idiot for a multitude of reasons. But at least Adam Strange is on the cover, so as long as it wasn't a variant cover showing Hawkman fellating himself or an underage girl looking overly sexual, Adam Strange fans probably would have picked it up. Although they probably also would have picked up the comic with the sexualized young girl.

Just a second. My new pretend lawyer Pickle Boy just passed me a note. It reads, "That shot at Adam Strange fans being pedophiles was hilarious! Keep up the legal work!"

This issue begins with blood sloshing all over Adam Strange's head. Is he back at the DMV?

Why am I suddenly thinking about Brokeback Mountain? And why am I suddenly super interested in this fucking. Um, comic! This fucking comic!

Adam and Katar wind up in a battle against "assumed hostiles" before the flashback part of the comic book begins. This time, it's to see what kind of errands Katar Hol went on before winding up on Rann in the middle of a war.

Apparently he had to mail some letters.

Hawkman commits to apprehending a felon (or rebel (or jaywalker))) using excessive force. It's true the "criminal" fights back and even stabs Katar at one point. But it isn't as if Hawkman ever tries to deescalate the situation. I think his whole shtick is to re-escalate situations. It goes a long way toward making Hawkman fans uncomfortable for liking Hawkman so much. If you don't feel uncomfortable about your fangendering over Hawkman after this scene, you might be a bit of a prick. He's just not likable! Unless you like over-the-top violence. I mean, I like Lobo so maybe I'm a hypocrite. But then Lobo's hyperbolic violence has always toed the line between dark humor and outrageously poor taste. And since I like those more than I actually like violence, I'm okay with Lobo. But Hawkman is an authority figure who thinks the best way to fight crime is to bash it all into a bloody paste. You might not see the difference between enjoying a villain who murders indiscriminately and an authority figure tasked with keeping people safe who maims barely discriminately but I do! Mostly because it allows me to not judge my own likes and dislikes because I'm basing them as the norm and anybody's desires which differ too widely from mine is a perverse monster.

The flashback doesn't remain on Hawkman and his visit to the post office. We also catch up on what Adam Strange was doing when he first arrived on Rann at the beginning of this war story.

Dammit. I wish I hadn't seen this. I'm as shocked as you are lady. At least my lawyer, Pickle Boy, says I have even less to fear about litigation from those pedophiles. I mean Adam Strange fans!

Oh man. If you think that one panel was incriminating, wait until you see the two that followed it!

Gross!

Adam Strange remarks that Rann currently looks like Dresden in World War II. I guess he couldn't think of any more modern cities that got the shit bombed out of them in his millennium. Or maybe he just thought better of bringing them up. Dresden is long enough ago that people can think, "Collateral damage was just a part of the world back then! It was necessary and it worked!" Saying that now might not be something you should say, no matter how much you like Hawkman and really want to say it.

Adam finds Alanna alive but Sardath is dead. That's fine because Sardath always winds up betraying people for scientific reasons and then going, "Who?! Me? But look at all the science I got done!"

Back on Thanagar, Hawkman gets dressed down for being too violent. Instead of saying, "Yeah, you know what. Sorry. Maybe I need some counseling or something," he thinks, "But in America, I'm celebrated for bashing people in the face with a mace!" And to drive the point home, he doesn't think about bashing some invulnerable villain into submission. Instead, he remembers a time when he bashed an innocent victim of Starro in the side of the face with his mace. What a fucking dick.

Katar Hol quits or is fired and storms out of the office. What an idiot! Now when he beats the shit out of somebody, it will be as a criminal and not as a badge carrying officer of the peace!

Back on Rann, Alanna decides to blame an entire race of people on the actions of two Thanagarians. I guess she's used to being an American hero as well.

After leaving his job, Katar and his penis decide to go to a bar and have a racy conversation with a lady and her vagina.

I may not know all the ins and outs of sex but I'm pretty sure wet is an innuendo for something that happens during it!

Pickle Boy just Googled "wet" and "sexy times". It turns out when a lady gets really horny, her vagina looks like it sneezed.

Adam Strange decides to investigate the site of the bombing. Luckily the computers weren't damaged by the explosion that made the rest of the city look like Dresden. He discovers that somebody used the Zeta Beam to teleport a number of mystery people to Rann! I bet one of those was Despero because I like to take easy bets that are practically foolproof.

I win the bet! Now who bet against me? Be honest! You owe me ten dollars. No wait! Twenty dollars!

Despero will always be the most dangerous DC Universe enemy to me. Because when I was first getting into comics, the Justice League was destroyed by him. Granted, it was a terrible version of the Justice League with Vibe and Gypsy and Vixen and Steel. But he still destroyed them all! Or at least he made them all feel so bad about themselves that they could barely limp through another few months before being completely dismantled during Legends.

Adam fights with Alanna because she's super racist and really into fear-mongering. But he thinks he has a lead so he tells her he needs to go for a walk and then teleports to Hawkman's apartment where Katar has apparently had the worst sex of his life.

Either it was truly terrible sex or Katar is a really disturbing individual who prefers to beat the shit out of people than to have sex with them. I don't mean the objects of those two statements are the same people! I'm not suggesting he goes out and fucks criminals.

Strange teleports in on Hawkman naked and now I realize why I was thinking of Brokeback Mountain earlier!

The Ranking!
No change! Oh fuck it. I'm enjoying this stupid comic book for some reason. It's probably the sweet anticipation of Hawkman's imminent death. I'm like that guy on the side of the Grecian Urn with an eager boner that will never get to be used. I mean, that might not be so great for the guy with the boner. But at least the lady he's going to put it in (or guy? No wait. The rest of this statement doesn't work if he's Greek. I mean gay) can enjoy the infinite anticipation of the approaching sex act without ever having to experience the terrible letdown of a shitty lover. Also, I won't have to live in anticipation of Hawkman's death for eternity. I just have to survive three more months!

Death of Hawkman #1

Featuring Adam Strange?! Deal!

The Commentary!
• I can't wait until this comic book ends! Not because I hate Hawkman! Because the title indicates that at the end of this comic book, Hawkman will die and I hate Hawkman! It's a subtle difference.

• Here's another thing I don't exactly hate but I certainly don't care much about: the relationship between Rann and Thanagar! I've had enough space pulp fiction this year thanks to Cullen Bunn's Aquaman. If that statement makes your head hurt, complain to that jerk Colon Bunn! And his stupid editor, Brian Cuntingham.

• Ho boy! The DC You Aquaman retooling was terrible! So awful! Criminal almost! I'm talking to a lawyer about a lawsuit! I mean, if I buy a comic book with Aquaman on the cover, I expect a useless idiot talking to fish and fighting for ocean rights! But what did I get with Bunn's Aquaman?! An Aquaman with every super power you can think of and traveling to another planet with lots of Swords and Sorcery bullshit thrown in! Plus his new costume made him look like he was suffering from priapism! Half the time I was reading the comic book, I kept thinking, "Is he going to fight that alien barbarian or fuck him?!"

• The story begins with Hawkman and Adam Strange in the thick of battle! Or just after the thick of battle, anyway. So, you know, it starts in a lull in the action with Hawkman and Adam Strange skulking in debris. Adam Strange mentions this battle began a few weeks ago so I hope this comic book doesn't suddenly go, "A few weeks ago!" Just once, I'd like to read a comic book that begins in the middle of the action and just fucking stays there!

• I noticed the first couple episodes of Luke Cage began like that. They definitely want you to know you're watching a comic book!

Goddammit!

• The story actually begins in the DMV which is at least a little bit more exciting than beginning with Hawkman. At least in the DMV, I'm prepared for interesting characters conquering the mundane battles of a weary world one form at a time! I suppose beginning with Hawkman doesn't mean that's not something that can happen. It just means that instead of thinking about how we're all constant heroes by facing the hardships of adulthood in a society that desperately hates the idea of individuality, I'll be thinking, "Hawkman sucks!"

• Speaking of Hawkman, where the hell is he? This comic book is about his death! You'd think he'd be in the stupid thing for more then three pages! Let me skip ahead a bit while Adam Strange is having trouble with the Zeta Beam and see when he gets back into the story. Ten pages...twelve...sixteen...twenty...oh man. Hawkman isn't even in the rest of this thing! No wonder somebody forced somebody else to put "Featuring Adam Strange" on the cover! Otherwise they might have thought this was a Hawkman comic book! I mean, I'm sure they still thought it was a Hawkman comic book and not an Adam Strange comic book. But it's totally an Adam Strange comic book! Instead of "Featuring Adam Strange", it would have been more honest to put, above "Death of Hawkman", "Adam Strange in..."!

• I think I might have another lawsuit! I'm going to call my pretend lawyer!

• Yes! My pretend lawyer says he thinks we have a case! He seemed a little perturbed that I didn't want to sue for money. If I win, I get to put my scrotum in Dan Didio's mouth for fifteen seconds!

• Luckily Adam Strange's Zeta Beam didn't work because moments after not appearing in front of Alanna and her father, two Thanagarians walk into the lab and say, "Excuse me, do you serve Birdmen here?" Also they ignite the bombs on their chests and blow everything up. Including Alanna and her father. Although probably not.

• How embarrassing would it be to blow yourself up with another guy and then later when you appear in heaven, you go to high-five each other and realize the people you blew up aren't there in heaven with you! Or would it be more embarrassing to high-five in front of the people you just killed? That's kind of tacky, right?

Is this canon?!

• After the DMV and missing his ride to Rann, Adam Strange consults books and maps and does math as he tries to figure out how to get back to Rann. It's so exciting! Who wouldn't have decided the best option when telling this story wasn't to keep telling the story about the battle of Rann but to go back in time when Adam Strange was lost and had to look for directions back home! What a smart choice, Marc Andreyko!

• Adam can't figure out that map I scanned earlier. I guess it has too much information for him to process. So he takes it to Cyborg aboard the Justice League Watchtower. Who gave him a Justice League Identity Card and Teleport Key?!

• Apparently Adam needed to visit those five cities minus New York which makes it four cities so shut up. That's why he needed Cyborg's help! Cyborg, excited to be of some use to some member of the Justice League (even if it's Adam Strange of Justice League Canada), steps up and does the heroic thing! He operates the teleporter! Way to go, Cyborg! That's some of the best work you've done in years!

• Adam flashes his Justice League Identity Card to guards at all the locations he visits (WayneTech, LexCorps, Ferris Air, and Belle Reve) and they all let him in. Nobody says, "We haven't seen your stupid Zeta beam here!" Nobody says, "Get the fuck out! Justice League Canada! Ha ha!" Nobody says, "What's Batman really like?" It's all so unbelievable!

• Adam Strange is on the most boring adventure I've ever read in a comic book. I have to find my "This is totally unbelievable!" moments even in mundane bullshit like this!

• At Belle Reve, Adam asks if any prisoners have disappeared. You know, because of the Zeta Beam misfire! The guards assure him that nobody is missing as they walk by a cell with the name Despero on it. It's in the stasis wing where prisoners are kept in stasis (how is that for an unnecessary explanation?!) if you were wondering, "WHAT THE FUCK IS DESPERO DOING IN A CELL IN BELLE REVE?! HOLY SHIT! OH WAIT! WHY AM I GETTING SO EXCITED OVER A COMIC BOOK?!" I know, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, that that's a clue! The Zeta Beam must have grabbed Despero! Also, um, Despero is on the cover looking prison-escape smug!

• If Despero is missing from Belle Reve, that means other things from the other locations are probably missing too! So maybe Adam Strange and Hawkman will find a WayneTech accountant on Rann who will help them with a numbers puzzle! And then they'll run into a LexCorps Bizarro janitor who has some kind of deadly laser mop that will help them defeat a monster! And then they'll find Carol Ferris's underwear in a tree which they'll have to sniff because they're only human. Oh, and Thanagarian!

• Eventually, through no actions of his own, Adam is picked up by the Zeta Beam and returns to Rann to find it destroyed!

This is an unfortunate place to cut off Adam's statement. I mean, unfortunate in that I didn't feel like being aroused right now!

The Ranking!
-10! Okay, I guess that's a little harsh. For a comic book where Adam Strange goes to the DMV and then visits a few places on Earth and does nothing to solve the mystery or advance the plot in any way, it wasn't that bad! I mean, the comic is called Death of Hawkman! Somebody made that choice so I don't feel bad ranking that choice quite poorly. When you see the phrase "Death of Hawkman," you immediately think of Thanagarian space battles and hard, well-oiled pectoral muscles, and veiny, throbbing wings, and epic space battles with lasers, and racism! You don't think "Adam Strange having the most boring day ever!" I mean, that's reason enough to rank this comic book like shit! Even though, I mean, Adam Strange's boring day wasn't that terrible a read. If this had been called A Regular Day in the Life of Adam Strange (on Earth Without His Laser or Space Adventures, Just So You Know What You're Getting Into), I probably would have given it a +1!