Thursday, September 17, 2015

The New Teen Titans #31 (May 1987)



I got excited when I read “The Last Battle” because I thought it meant the Titans were going to die in this issue. I’m the eternal optimist because the stack of 120+ Teen Titans comics to my left is proof that they just keep going and going. But I was hoping that those would just slowly fade out of existence after I read this issue. Instead, Brother Blood was defeated. And even though I had great hopes for The Teen Titans finally doing a second heroic thing in their comic book, Brother Blood only lost because Mother Mayehm cut off his power in a jealous rage.

Seriously, Blood. Can we talk for a second? You kind of defeated yourself when you tried to stick your dick in Raven on national television while your baby mama was in the control room directing your live performance. I realize you had to try, though. You feed off of emotion and passion; Raven amplifies and projects it. The sex would have been incredibly dysfunctional and disgusting. You couldn’t not go for it. So you defeated yourself, Brother. No big deal. At least the Titans didn’t do it (even if they get all the credit in the media because Bethany Snow is busted for being a shill for your cult and can’t spend 24/7 whinging on air about the Titans anymore). I’ll see you when you get better, buddy!

At some point in this issue (I read it some time ago and am updating the "reviews" while I bring them over from tumblr), Robotman's head gets welded onto Cyborg's body. How come I don't remember this? It seems like I should remember the best thing to ever happen in an issue of The New Teen Titans.


This reminds me that I should go back to reviewing episodes of Friends.

At the end of this adventure, the Titans stand around awkardly as Jason Todd admits that Batman spanks him.


My poor boy. Now I understand why you became such a monster.

It's also possibly when Jason Todd says "bottom lotion," he means the lotion he uses on the lower half of his body when thinks about Starfire's tits.

Number of Issues In Which The Teen Titans Do Something Besides Scream, “I HATE YOU!”, At One of Their Parents: 1 out of 31.

Sometimes I plug my nose and read the letters pages. Then I read a letter like this and think, "I wonder if my parents are proud of me?"


Gus Wilson, Inventor of Internet Comments.

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