Thursday, May 11, 2017

The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #5

I'm totally up for some of this nuclear fusion.

I hope that the cover isn't Captain Atom and Captain Atom's son or else I'm going to be even more turned on than I already am.

The issue begins by the media giving Max Thrane a super villain name: Ultramax! Fuck! How did I not guess that? It was just sitting there all stupid and obvious and I didn't even bother to pick it up. To be fair, I've been pretty cautious about the things I pick up lately after the slugs on the dog shit caked in vomit incident.

This issue is called "Quantu Mechanic" which is either the dumbest name since Ultramax or I'm being too literal in the way the graphic designer smooshed the words of the title together. It's probably the first one.

Before Captain Atom beats Ultramax in a battle that just looks like two oiled up porn stars under a spotlight trying to outfuck each other, he decides to find his son, Genji.

Don't do it, Tess! You can resist! You don't have to drop everything you're doing to go play Overwatch simply because you were reminded of it! You can finish reading this comic book first. Think about this, Tess: after you finish this "review," you'll be completely caught up for the first time in so long I can't even remember! Oh, sure, I still have fourteen comic books in the stack. But they're fourteen comic books I purchased just today!

Okay, Tess! You've sold me! Besides, I can probably play Overwatch all day and night tomorrow. Unless the mechanic doesn't call back with good news about my work vehicle. At that point, I might be spending the rest of the week shopping for a new work vehicle and stressing out over my business and hating everything.

Here's a handy chart of the stress I can handle in life (in equal units of stress called Fuckingshitballs):

0 Fuckingshitballs: I can take on the world, motherfucker!
1 Fuckingshitball: Why was I even born?!
2 Fuckingshitballs: Oh my god it's gotten worse? How is that even possible?!
3 Fuckingshitballs: I curse the day my father's penis ever entered my mother's vagina for I never asked for this burden called life!
4 Fuckingshitballs: Who do I see about ending this ride?
5 Fuckingshitballs: Is there even anybody in the world who can handle this much stress? Are they stupid?

To get a good idea of how much stress it takes to get me to 5 Fuckingshitballs, here's a handy chart of how many Fuckingshitballs different things equal.

Having anything at all that I have to do coming up on the calendar: 5 Fuckingshitballs.
Talking on the phone with somebody I don't know: 5 Fuckingshitballs.
Realizing a clerk I see often mysteriously has learned things about me through the barest of interactions: 5 Fuckingshitballs.
Having to deal with a work vehicle's failing electrical system which could potentially lead to having to search for a used car to replace it which means interacting with a whole bunch of people I didn't expect to be in my life and then having to deal with the bureaucratic nonsense of registering it and then getting it outfitted for my business and just, in general, having to do a whole bunch of stuff outside of my normal routine or else my adult life is going to fall apart completely and I might as well be dead at this point because it would be so much easier and relaxing: 5 Fuckingshitballs.

As you can see, my scale only goes up to 5 Fuckingshitballs. Also, my chart probably would have been easier if I just stated "having to do anything outside of my normal routine which takes me outside of my house" equals all the Fuckingshitballs all the time. Ultramax begins going on a murder spree of people who once used his services to assassinate somebody. Since Captain Atom failed to connect with his kid, I suppose he'll have more time to stop Ultramax.

But first, as he's dropping off Genji, he's got to deal with a thing that could be anything, like maybe a toaster or a cigarette case!

Fucking stupid comic book bullshit. "How are we going to get Captain Atom to realize the military has been spying on his son?" This is the answer they come up with? A random glinting light in a window across the street? What kind of superhero rushes off to save the world from every glint of light they see out of the corner of their eyes?

Oh, today while having lunch at the St. Johns McMenamins, I overheard two old hippies talking. You're probably picturing them exactly just from the phrase "old hippies" because that's the perfect way to describe them. Both had long, scraggly gray hair cascading off balding heads and they were both wearing Grateful Dead tie dye t-shirts. I wasn't listening because I found myself thinking, "I bet I could glean some important wisdom from these two burnouts!" No, I began listening when I heard the first one say, "I could feel a really strong breeze through the larger glory hole." He then referenced a smaller glory hole that needed some work as well. Is there another usage of the term "glory hole" that I'm not familiar with? If not, these two old guys were talking about fixing up the booths in their sex shop.

Captain Atom isn't pleased with the surveillance of his son so he rushes off to confront General Eiling. While he's yelling at him, Ultramax stops by to battle. Or fuck?

Gross! Their colliding streams knocked them into the Slash Fiction Quantum Field! Now things are really going to get dicky!

Captain Atom wins the fight although is it really winning if you just shove the guy out of a portal and into who the fuck knows where? That seems more like helping him escape. Anyway, there's still one more issue so I guess they'll finish battling there. After that, Captain Atom can go do the one thing he knows he shouldn't do but won't be able to stop himself from doing: revealing his true identity to Genji. Then Genji can be all, "You're no my father!" And bam! Just like that, he'll be a DC Superhero!

No comments:

Post a Comment