Monday, May 1, 2017

Supergirl: Being Super: Book Three

Electrical problems are the worst.

DC got the title of this comic book wrong. I'm not interested in the super part of Supergirl. I want to read Supergirl: Being A Girl. I suppose, technically, that's what this comic book is actually about. It's less Supergirl saving people and more Supergirl not saving people. Burn! Jen is dead because Supergirl wasn't being super enough. All that's left is Supergirl being a girl with her friend that is still alive. And by being a total girl, she's attracted the attention of her evil lesbian coach who either wants to explore being a girl with her or wants to experiment on her in a non-sexually aggressive manner. That was the name of my Chem Lab class my freshman year of college: Non-sexually Aggressive Chem Lab. It wasn't as much fun as Try Desperately to Get Laid Racquetball.

It would have been much easier to get laid in racquetball if some of the other students had been my type. You know, indiscriminate.

Supergirl has realized, via her dreams, that she's an alien from another planet. That might mean that I'll stop caring as much about this comic book. I liked the parts where she's just trying to be a regular Earth kid in high school with super powers and explosive masturbation. I don't care for the stories about Kryptonians who long to know more about their previous life. Whenever I see one of those Unsolved Mysteries where a person tries to find original family members from a time they can barely remember, I always think, "Pee-yuke! Why would I want to be reunited with some strangers with whom I'm supposed to feel some kind of bond?!" If anybody ever came forward to say that I was their long lost brother or son, I'd be really uncomfortable with it. They would probably decide I was a rude asshole because I would be all, "So we're only doing this get together once, right? Nothing against you, of course! I just don't need any more time parasites sucking up my life energy." Is that the polite way to say fuck off?

Kara decides there's too much going on in her head to worry about being an alien. Good! Now we can just get back to dealing with school stuff, like hanging out with friends and fighting off the lesbian coach's advances.

Your mom's meatloaf what?!

Dolly and Kara have a rough day listening to everybody talk about how the tragedy affected them. But it affected them even more! So everybody is stupid and dumb for having feelings. What do they know about feelings?! Jen wasn't their best friend so they couldn't know what it means to really hurt! I mean, it's not like Jen was their daughter so Kara and Dolly aren't having the greatest feelings about the subject. So maybe they should shut up and stop whining too because obviously Jen's parents are really, really hurting!

Dolly figures out that Kara has super powers but Kara is all, "No, I'm just being a normal girl. I can't be any more normal than this!" And Dolly is all, "I don't care if you're different." And Kara is all, "Well, look again cause I'm not. Totally normal if you accept the white middle class view of normality which is blonde, blue-eyed, light skinned, heterosexual, and from the middle of the country! Totally normal in that offensive way people use the term normal!"

Later, Kara decides to have a memory about how her mother's parents were total ungrateful shitholes. She saved her grandfather from a burning barn (that he probably set fire while testing his burning cross to be used later) and he was all, "That girl ain't right! Git ridda her!" So that's why she can't tell anybody about her powers, even her best living friend Dolly.

Speaking of Dolly, she tampered with her heart monitor slash tracker that the predatory coach gave to the girls she wants to fuck and discovered it had a LexCorp battery. She thought that was weird for some reason. I guess Lexcorp doesn't market batteries for public consumption and only uses them in their futuristic high-tech gear since they're powered by Apokoliptian energy?

That night, Kara hears a voice whispering "Save me." She flies off to see if it's Jen going through her super villain origin but discovers it's Coach Stone's secret lesbian laboratory. Coach freaks out and hits a panic button which triggers Kara's bracelet which knocks Kara's powers offline. It looks like maybe Coach Stone wasn't a creepy pervert lesbian after all! She was just a scientist working for LexCorps who totally have a permit to kidnap local kids and run tests on them.

Kara trashes the lab and Coach Stone runs off to try to look through Dolly's blinds. The person Coach Stone was experimenting on gets up and thanks Kara for saving him. He's speaking Kryptonian but she can totally understand him. His name is Tan-on and I've never heard of him. Kara remembers her name is Kara Zor-el. I hope this guy isn't her cousin also because they're totally giving each other the fuck eye.

Before Supergirl rushes off on an Earthling killing spree with Tan-on (not that Kara knows that's what's about to happen!), she has to go home and leave a note for her parents. "Mom. Dad. I met a boy from my planet. We are going to fuck and kill people. See you later!" She doesn't tell Dolly where she's going because she's not supposed to tell Dolly anything that would make Dolly realize the whole normal act was a lie. Not that Dolly believes it anyway. But she's pretending to believe it because she's a good friend, unlike Kara who is a jerko friend. You know how many friends I managed to not save from death? Less than Kara! Because I'm a great friend!

The Ranking!
+1! Sometimes I feel it isn't fair to rank open-ended comics with comics written to have a conclusion. Obviously the stories that have a beginning, a middle, and an ending are going to be better executed than the stories that have an early middle, a middle middle, and a later middle bleeding into the next early middle of the next story. That's just common sense!

No comments:

Post a Comment