Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Justice League #20

All of the Batmen are just pretending to be dead.

The Review!
The last story was called "Timeless" and it felt like it was. This issue is called "Endless" so I've just killed myself.

Yeah, yeah. Get it all out of your system. "Suicide isn't funny, you asshole!" I know it isn't funny. But hyperbole when facing situations like having to read another Bryan Hitch Justice League story is funny! Just be thankful I didn't use the rape analogy that came to mind!

This story begins with The Flash leaning over a dying Jessica Cruz telling her not to die because he's going to get help. Here's a fun fact: he could have gotten help in the time it took him to tell her not to die! Instead he hangs around to hear her moan, "Barry? That you? Sorry, Barry. Sorr--." Read that bit from Jessica again but do it in the way a dying person would slowly drag it out. Now think to yourself, "If I were the fastest man in the world, why would I spend an eternity like that not getting help?" Now ask yourself this question: "Why did the comic book begin with this scene when it's obviously going to flashback to a day or two earlier when I turn the stupid page?" I can answer that one: "Bryan Hitch is a terrible writer!" If you don't like that answer, here's another one: "Brian Cunningham is a terrible editor!" Still not doing anything for you? One more: "Comic books are terrible and written for stupid people who have no ability to intelligently critique the way stories are told so they keep using this 'begin at a point in the story that hooks the reader before going back to the part of the story you deemed way too boring to keep the audience still feel you need to tell anyway' method of storytelling." The thing is, if you don't think beginning at the beginning is interesting enough, how about not going back to that part of the story? If you think you're being ballsy by beginning at the point where Jessica Cruz is dying, how about you keep telling the story from that point?

Hunh. When I turned the page, the story just kept continuing from this point. It's probably a fluke. It'll probably flashback any time now and just stay there. Until then, I guess I can pretend that Bryan Hitch has decided to do what almost no comic book writers ever do anymore. He's actually going to keep telling the story from the point he chose to start it!

Some guy in motocross gear is standing nearby with a Cosmic Jackhammer asking Flash why The Flash should live after The Flash killed "them." The Flash doesn't know what the guy is talking about but he does reveal he's a fan of South Park.

Totally inappropriate time to be quoting a cartoon, dude.

It's too bad I just scanned that picture because there's a wayward comma in the dialogue on the next page. Man, I would have really skewered Bryan Hitch in the caption of that one!

After the guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer, Barry flashes back to breakfast with Jessica. But in the flashback, he's all, "Wait. Didn't we already do this?" Then the cafe explodes in that way that cafes explode when somebody just outside of them begins using a Cosmic Jackhammer. The guy is still whinging on about his terrible life. "You killed her, killed them, took all I had away." Blah blah blah! Hopefully he's just insane and not another villain who became a villain because the Justice League failed to save the people he loved. I only mention that because Bryan Hitch has shown he's only capable of writing two stories. One story is where the Justice League believe a person is good and then find out the person is bad and have to stop them. The other story is how a bad person became bad because good guys didn't save his or her family personally. Sometimes both stories get combined into one story so it almost looks like Bryan Hitch knows how to write a third story.

Well, at least we know which story this is now.

It looks like Flash is going to have to Memento through this one as the Cosmic Jackhammer disrupts the way time flows around him. But I guess he's immune to it because of his link with the Speed Force giving him the ability to time travel. Now as the story plays backwards, it will give The Flash a chance to find out why this guy is so angry. Then he'll be able to stop the thing that caused this from happening and all of this will never have happened and Jessica won't die. Now that I've figure it out, can I stop reading it? Do I get a pass?

Barry winds up screaming at Jess to not die and lying to her about getting help. Then the angry guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer again and time reverses even further back in the story. It's a good thing time is flowing this way or else The Flash would never know how to deal with the conflict that needs to be dealt with in this plot. He's lucky he gets another chance at saving the woman he loves unlike that guy in Memento who can only manipulate events over and over again so that he feels some satisfaction in avenging the death of the woman he loved even though his ultimate goal is to save her life which he can't do. That's why he'll never fill that space on his chest with that tattoo declaring he did the thing he can't ever do.

When he finally gets far enough in the past, The Flash winds up warning the Justice League about this guy and his Cosmic Jackhammer. So they go to stop him and — guess what?! — they cause the disaster that kills his family by trying to stop the disaster that kills his family! Oh, time travel! What a capricious beast you are! Now how is The Flash going to stop this from happening?! Oh! I know! More time travel!

The Ranking!
-2! Here is a story that never needs to be told again: something happens that shouldn't have happened so somebody uses time travel to stop it from happening and succeeds so that the bad thing never actually happened. If you don't write that story, it's the same as having written that story. So please stop writing that story.

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