Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Batman Loves The Shadow #1

Oh boy! They're so going to bat fuck!

I didn't want to buy this comic book but my local comic book shop put it in my pull box and I was too timid to tell them I didn't want to purchase it. Plus Orlando has a hand in writing it so Snyder can't fuck it up that bad, right? I really don't trust Scott Snyder to write anything interesting anymore. I should have known he was a huge fraud when he wrote Superman Unchained and he made the same mistake that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco had both made in earlier New 52 titles: he confused Antarctica with the Arctic. Plus it's Snyder's fault that I now have to read so many mediocre DC Comics written by James Tynion IV.

The second main reason I didn't want to purchase this comic book (after Snyder having a writing credit) is that I know nothing about The Shadow. I know The Shadow knows shit. But that's like all I know. According to the cover, he also uses guns. So I have a feeling we're going to get a philosophical discussion between Batman and The Shadow on the ethics of murdering criminals.

The issue begins in the French Alps where Henri Ducard guzzles wine and shows Bruce Wayne his enormous sword.

Is this comic an adaptation of an upcoming JRPG?

Bruce Wayne has uncovered a mystery that even he, the world's greatest detective, can't solve. So he's come back to Ducard for more training. I imagine Ducard will point out that he's not doing the father of the kid who murdered his kid and looks at his granddaughter with naughty eyes any favors. And then I imagine Bruce Wayne will pull out his check book and say, "Would you do it for five brazillion dollars?" Then they'll make out because drinking wine that high in the Alps always ends up in gay sex. Always.

A week previous to Bruce and Henri performing Swan Lake with their penises, a chipper man who worked at Arkham Asylum was found murdered in his house next to his two-legged dog. I suppose the readers are supposed to feel empathy for this guy because he had a handicapped dog and because he took the time to bring the various inmates at Arkham some of their favorite foods. But since he was murdered, I'm going to believe he was a fucking pedophile and totally deserved it. I'm not falling for any more authorial manipulation! Unless it's digital and rectal.

Renee Montoya is left to investigate the scene on her own so that Batman can stop by without any extraneous scenes where the cops try to arrest him.

I have to say that I'm not totally shocked to discover Batman is into necrophilia.

Batman sets up his "Bat-Ops Forensic Overlay" which is the kind of technology that would help police departments all over the country solve murders but Batman selfishly keeps to himself so that he can remain the world's greatest detective. While the Bat Ops does all of the grunt work so that Batman can pretend he used his brains to solve the murder, he's attacked by a shadowy assailant! I wonder who it could be?! If only there were a clue in the adjective I used!

Batman kicks the assailant out of the window and chases him onto a nearby roof where they can have their Good Guy Fight without Renee Montoya interrupting. Hopefully they realize quickly that they're on the same side and they're working the same case and the victim was a child diddler who most readers were all feeling sympathy for for a bit (mostly because of the poor doggy that couldn't know any better that his owner was a pervert).

Batman's combat partner says some thing about some guy named Patrick so that Batman can say, "But how do you know that?! Hunh? How do you KNOW!?" That's when the guy reveals his identity and laughs, "The Shadow knows! A-HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Then he shows his guns to Batman and disappears before The Joker's lawyers show up with a cease and desist in regards to all of that laughing.

L'esprit d'escalier.

Batman does some investigating and discovers that The Shadow's facial features match the features of a man named Lamont Cranston who died in 1963 of cancer. The pedo dog lover victim's name was also Lamont Cranston! Duh duh DUN!

Batman's investigation eventually leads to The Shadow's hideout in Gotham City. He probably lives on a floor between the Court of Owls' floor and the 14th floor. Inside The Shadow's lair, he finds a picture of his grandfather and some weapons that match the weapon used to murder Arkham's Lamont Cranston. He also finds a training sword that matches Henri Ducard's huge fucking sword. That's why the issue began a week into the future with Bruce Wayne meeting with Henri Ducard. And now that the issue is almost over and the readers know why he's there, the narration returns to the French Alps.

After Batman lays out all the shit he found on The Shadow, he presses Ducard to help him. That's when Ducard changes shape and become The Shadow! A-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

The Ranking!
This was okay, I suppose. But I'd probably rather read a story where Batman teams up with a character I care something about. Who is The Shadow? I don't really know and I don't fucking care, really.

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