Thursday, May 18, 2017

Action Comics #979

Now I know why Blanque is called Blanque! It's due to the face he makes when being fucked in the ass!

• The issue begins with Superman either being choked to death by Mongul or utilizing his Secret Autoerotic Asphyxiation Machine in the Fortress of Solitude. I finally get the name of that too! From now on, my closet will be called the Fortress of Solitude! And my special belt will be dubbed Mongul's Arm!

• Patrick Zircher continues to be credited as "Patch" Zircher. I guess he's twelve.

• This issue is called "Revenge, Part 1." Anybody familiar with my hatred of comic books already knows how much more I'm going to hate this one than how much I hate the usual ones.

• It's irresponsible of superheroes not to kill the villains. By not killing them, they inevitably spend the majority of their time trying not to be killed by them. That's precious time they could be helping people being mugged or abused by their parents or contemplating suicide. Instead of helping to make the world a better place for the next few issues, Superman will simply be dealing with his own problems. Not that he shouldn't be allowed to deal with personal issues. But when those personal issues are villains he failed to completely stop from making the world a worse place by not killing them or by not shoring up the locks to the Phantom Zone, he needs to be held accountable for all the disasters that he could have stopped while being choked to a mighty orgasm by Mongul.

• The battle between Mongul and Superman turns out not to have anything to do with an Autoerotic Asphyxiation Machine. It's just Mongul having a series of wet dreams provided by his Black Mercy. Eradicator has come by to clean him up and recruit him to the Superman Revenge Squad. Once again, I should point out that I did not make up that name. It's rare when a comic book comes up with dumber stuff than I do.

• Lois and Clark are currently looking at apartments in Metropolis.

Lois's idea of perfection is being attacked on a constant basis by aliens and Swamp Things.

• How bored do you think Patch was drawing that above scan?

• The Superman Revenge Squad travels to Superman's now destroyed Himalayan Fortress of More Solitude to find some powerful artifact in the rubble. Superman should probably have cleaned the place up by now. I'm beginning to come around to Batman's side. Superman is too powerful and too dumb to live.

• They're after the Oblivion Stone which has been a minor plot point for some time. If the two halves of the stone are combined, it will "alter any aspect of the possessor's life — once." I know why Mongul wants it! You can tell by how flat the front of his crotch is on his spandex suit. Totally nothing going on there.

• Apparently Superman was too busy to realize his Himalayan Fortress was destroyed. Maybe I was too quick to judge. I mean, it's not like the destruction of his fortress, the escape of his prisoners, and the loss of dozens of dangerous artifacts will be a threat to the world. It's not like he should have better safeguards than a robot telling him everything is okay, or an alarm that goes off long after the entire mountain has collapsed on itself. No, you know what. Batman is still totally right.

• Superman discovers that his friends in the Fortress are dead and the Oblivion Stone is gone. He takes the sudden realization that he's a failure as a friend and a hero shockingly well.

• The Superman Revenge Squad returns the Oblivion Stone half to Hank Henshaw. He reunites it with the half he has and makes his wish: to once again become Cyborg Superman. No! Now there are two of them?! But just one of them bores the fuck out of me! Two of them will put me into an Oblivion Coma.

• Cyborg Superman suggests they need one more member for the Superman Revenge Squad: Zod. As if there aren't already enough egos on this team. "Kiss my hand!" "Kneel before me!" "Pledge your undying fealty to my anal sphincter!" As soon as Lex Luthor realizes he wasn't drafted, his feelings are going to be hurt.

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