Thursday, May 4, 2017

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #19

Hal Jordan and His Army of Penises #19.

This is all you need to know to understand the GOP: the only way they could get enough votes to repeal Obamacare was to make the Trumpcare law even worse than their first terrible, incomprehensible version. Fuck all y'all bitches supporting these selfish, evil motherfuckers. Get the fuck off of my blog.

"But the unborn babies of sluts and my guns to protect me from minorities!"

I said get the fuck out of here!

The Review!
Last night I saw Patton Oswalt at the Arlene Shitzberg Auditorium. He asked where there was a comic book store within walking distance of downtown so he could get comic books today. I figured that would mean he wouldn't be stopping in at my local shop, Excalibur, like he usually does. But guess who I saw in there getting his comic books for free?! Wow, you guessed! Good job!

At first I didn't recognize him because I don't look people in the eye and — let's face it — he really was just another fat white guy in a comic book store.

Oh, did I hurt your fat fucking feelings?! Well maybe you should have thought about that before you refused to vote because Bernie wasn't the Democratic nominee, you dumb piece of shit. Get off my blog!

I actually don't mind if people who disagree with me read my blog. But from experience, I've noticed people have no tolerance for being told they're stupid motherfucking idiots.

Okay. Now The Review!
Rip Hunter recently came out of a "rip" in time shouting, "The Green Lanterns are gone! They're gone! How could you have been so stupid?!" So Soranik, being a totally fake fucking doctor, is all, "Get him on a gurney, stat! I need to jerk him off to save him from time dilations!"

Oh yeah! Right there! Time dilations subsiding!

I'm so angry about the direction our country is headed right now that I'm sort of willing to die in a nuclear holocaust just so my last words can be, "I told you, you fucking garbage morons!"

Obviously Soranik can tell the race of an alien by touching its genitalia. She determines Rip Hunter is human and that he likes smooth jazz. I'm assuming that's the only kind of music that comes out of Yellow Light Construct Headphones.

Hal Jordan screams, "Human?!" My guess is Rip is uncircumcised so Hal didn't recognize the massive sea cucumber between his legs. "Where is the little mushroom cap?!" he pondered. Actually, Hal's main concern is that Rip stole the Green Lantern ring from another human. Hal is stupid. We've had decades of comic books detailing just how stupid Hal is. People like to say he's brash or stubborn or pigheaded but he's really just stupid. Do you want some evidence? Everybody now knows Rip Hunter came out of a temporal anomaly (the rings said so!) so there's really no reason to think this human stole this Green Lantern ring from another human. He could be a future Green Lantern, you fucking asshat. I was calling Hal Jordan a fucking asshat but if you thought I was calling you one, just hang on. I'm sure it'll happen sooner or later. Everybody cares about something that I don't give a shit about and sooner or later, I'm going to tear into your favorite thing.

Hal fails to "rip" the ring off Rip Hunter's finger so John steps in and says, "Let me do it, Hal! As you know, the Green Lantern Corps is a despotic, fascist, authoritarian organization which means I have the ability to remove the ring from any fucking piece of shit lantern I deem a fuck up and a waste." He then says the override code and steals Rip Hunter's ring. Fuck the Green Lanterns. Although I bet even these cumsharters have health care coverage through their organization.

"Oh shit! So that's what temporal anomaly means!"

Rip Hunter's message from the future is that time has been corrupted and 2047 isn't the way 2047 is supposed to be. But there's still a chance to fix it here in 2017!

How many fangenders reading this comic book have just scooted out to the edge of their seat and possibly stuck a hand down the front of their pants at this revelation? If you did, get the fuck off my blog! I am tired — oh so very fucking tired — you know, exhausted — with people traveling through time to fix time. Just knock it off! If the 2047 Rip visited is different than the 2047 that Rip expected then Rip needs to realize he's just in one of the infinite numbers of timelines. You don't go back in time to fix the timeline you're not happy with. You sidestep into a different timeline! One where everything is how you expected it to be! Being that there are infinite numbers of timelines, you're always going to have the timeline that needs fixing. Because it exists right next door the timeline you're happy with. It also exists two timelines down from the timeline where women are allowed to walk around topless.

When Rip discovers that it's 2017, he points out that there's still time to fix the future. A few panels later, after only discovering the year, he declares they have one day to save all space and time. Or maybe just the Green Lantern Corps. It's really a toss-up as to which it is since superheroes basically only deal with two kinds of problems in the modern age: save the entire everything or save themselves.

Meanwhile, Space Ape and Gorin-sunn aren't as dead as I expected them to be. They have been thoroughly trounced by Prism Beasts and now must suck the dick of some guy with an evil beard and an alternate timeline Nightwing costume. He says he's from the future and that he's going to mend it all. So I guess he's a good guy like Rip just trying to save time! His name is Sarko because Venditti was having a bad day in the imagination booth when he came up with it.

Sarko gives Space Ape and Gorin-sunn a future lesson. Apparently the Yellow Lanterns will eventually lay down their rings to pick up Green Lantern rings. That makes sense because who wants police who utilize fear to do their jobs? But apparently Sarko doesn't like that the Sinestro Corps have become antiquated symbols of disgrace and failure. So he's kind of like a guy who sews a Confederate Flag onto his jean jacket. He's proud of a heritage he really needs to think twice about.

So Sarko has come from a future that he thinks needs changing and Rip has come from an apparently different future that he thinks needs changing. I mean, I suppose this comic book wants the reader to believe that Sarko has already won and the future has been rewritten simply because Sarko came back in time but since Rip came back in time to fix it, why wasn't the future fixed already? Oh, because time travel stories almost always suck logical dick.

And don't you dare start explaining it to me in the boring, normal way you're supposed to understand it! I know how writers use time travel and the way they think it works! I don't need your fucking Actually Nerd interpretations to set me straight. I'm reporting the way things should be but they never are because writers write the way readers expect! Or something. Just...just...get off my blog!

Sure, that's how time works. But that's just the way time works! Whatever you do now will be the cause of whatever happens in the future. And guess what? You can't change it! You never did anything except react to Rip Hunter coming back from the future. You never had a different present! So the future is and always has been the aftereffects of whatever you choose to do now thanks to Rip coming back from the future and telling you that you need to change the future. Which can't really be changed since it's just a present that hasn't happened yet.

Look, Kyle brings up the perfect movie to understand time travel. In Terminator, there are no time paradoxes. There are no alternate timelines. There are no futures that can be changed by going into the past. What happens in the future happens exactly because the robots sent a robot into the past and the humans sent a human back to stop it. Without that happening, no John Conner. But it happened in order to kill John Conner. That's not a paradox. That's a perfectly knit time quilt. Everything always happens the way they happen. One timeline perfectly in sync. So knock it off with all these people from terrible futures coming to the past to fix things and then having the things fixed. It's fucking stupid bullshit.

Although! These stories have their own internal logic as well. It's just that they matter a whole lot less than you would think. And when you realize how they work, you realize it's all wasted effort. If Rip Hunter traveled to the past from a 2047 that sucked, he didn't wind up in the 2017 of that particular 2047. His arrival caused a split timeline which changes everything and veers off on its own direction. Which means the 2047 that he came back in time to save still exists and still sucks and will never be saved. But at least they don't have to worry about that asshole Rip Hunter anymore! So see? If time travel works this way, why bother going back in time at all? I suppose to save yourself, if you're not a Time Master who just gallivants all over time creating offshoot timelines like so many bastard children. I mean, sure! If I were in a sucky 2017 (which I totally am), I would absolutely go back in time and arrive in a totally new timeline that will change simply because I'm now a part of it. Although I might have to kill my other self if I want to seamlessly fit in. I suppose that would depend on how far back I went. Suddenly trying to be a twelve year old me probably wouldn't fool many people at this point.

The time travel nonsense was over pages ago so I'll stop ranting about it. Eventually, the Prism Beasts descend on Mogo. Hal says to John, "You're a grower, John, but I'm a show-er!" Then he flies off into the sky with his army of penises in an attempt to destroy the Prism Beasts. But as was shown earlier, they're immune to Spectrum Light. So they're like about 95% of everything else in the universe? Immune to the greatest weapon in the universe? And of course the other 5% that is susceptible to Green Lantern light usually get lucky and the rings lose all their charge during the battle.

Unsurprisingly to everyone (and especially to Carol Ferris), Hal's penis army fails at its intended job.

The Ranking!
No change. I'm not sure why I continue to read comic books when a majority of them use common comic book plots that I despise. It's like writers think it's okay to just shorthand every script. "Readers like familiarity! Also it's easy to write a story they've read five hundred times already!" So here we go again. Somebody from the future wants to change the past and somebody else from the future drops by to tell the people of the present, "Hey! There's this future that currently sucks and there's this guy who's the reason for it. You should probably stop him." Then everybody in the present goes, "Okay! Sounds legit!"

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