Friday, May 5, 2017

Kamandi Challenge #4

I guess Kamandi is younger than I thought. Is there actually an age where it becomes illegal to show a female topless? Or is it all dependent on breast development?

Once again, I should probably explain the caption. Kamandi is female. I've told you before not to believe everything you're told. Unless it comes from me. I would never lie to you.

So at the end of the last issue, Palmiotti and Conner had Kamandi and her fuck plant about to be sacrificed to the God of Jaguars (the God is just a giant Jaguar. That's pretty much the accepted truth of all gods. They're just giant sized versions of the creatures who worship them. Unless you're Hindu. Then they're multi-limbed or animal headed humanoids who can't get enough butter). I would have expected Jimmy and Amanda to come up with a sexier cliffhanger. Perhaps there's an urban dictionary definition of "sacrifice to the Jaguar God" that I'm not familiar with. According to this cover, Tynion the Fourth has come up with a simple solution to the cliffhanger. Kamandi is grabbed and then she stabs the Jaguar God with a dagger that she was hiding inside her vagina. That might sound dangerous but it's okay if you stick the sheath in there first.

I bet James Tynion the Fourth's cliffhanger will be Kamandi telling her fuck plant that while she loves to fuck robots and grandmothers and humanoid animals and mechanical appliances, she's not really into foliage.

Before I begin reading this comic book, it's probably a good time to question the question on the cover: "Can you solve it before they do?" Nobody has yet to explain what I'm trying to solve before this mysterious "they" solve whatever it is! It's not like Kamandi woke up one morning and met up with her slacker friends, took their garish van down a spooky back road, came upon a ghost town where the only living occupant was Don Knotts, and quickly realized there was a mystery to be solved when they saw the ghost. I loved the Scooby Gang. When they saw a ghost, three-fifths of them instantly thought, "It's obviously not a real ghost since there is no such thing as life after death or God. Therefore, whatever is going on is caused by a human trying to get one over on other humans for their own selfish, greedy reasons. We need to squash this bullshit right now with science and logic!" The other two-fifths usually screamed, "G-g-g-g-g-ghost!", and then shit themselves.

I suppose the mystery is just a kind of general "What the fuck is going on here?" thing. Why was Kamandi left to live a lie in a city of robots? Why did her parents abandon her? What happened to the world? That's all stuff that hardly matters since this series is really just a bunch of writers getting to play around in Jack Kirby's world. I bet before writing their parts, they all got to pick their favorite bits of Kirby's Last Girl On Earth series to write about. That way not everybody was writing the issue where Kamandi and Tuftan find themselves trapped on an island with only fucking to keep them alive. Man, I've dreamed about being trapped on that island constantly!

The story begins with Kamandi in the grip of the Jaguar God (just like on the cover!). Her fuck plant screams her name from below. "Kamandi! You haven't eaten me yet!" I bet the thought of eating her fuck planet gets Kamandi so wet, she slips from the grip of the Jaguar God and escapes! Then the Jaguar God just gives up because once your food touches the floor, it's gone, man.

Is it ... semen?! The Jaguar God is just a big fuck puppet!

Kamandi is deep throated by the Jaguar Fuck Puppet which deposits her in the creatures semen supply bunker. That's also where a couple of regular Jaguar people are controlling the fuck puppet and enjoying the previous loads of semen. It turns out it's just an automaton! The Jaguar God is a big fake created by creatures in their own image. Just like every other god! Again, except the Hindus. Which means the Hindu gods must be real because according to the most boring thing anybody can ever say yet they still say it a lot anyway, "You just can't make that shit up!"

Don't you hate when people say that? Because I can make a lot of shit up and usually the "you can't make that shit up" stuff is so boring and mundane that the expression should be "Why would you want to make that shit up?"

So the "being swallowed whole" by a giant which was my stupid guess as to how this would play out since it's a basic comic book trope and James Tynion the Fourth fucking loves basic comic book tropes turns out to be the solution to the mystery. Of course there's a twist in that the giant is a robot. I guess. Maybe that's not a twist but just another comic book trope that I wasn't really thinking about. After Kamandi is swallowed whole and survives, her fuck plant is chewed up before being swallowed. That's because she's capable of regrowing lost body parts which Kamandi hasn't quite gotten the hang of yet.

A scientist jaguar?! Ridiculous! I mean, I get having a canine scientist. But a feline?! Pshaw!

I should create some kind of rating that scores how long I was able to suspend my disbelief while reading any particular comic book. Maybe put one of those dripping blood line animations that were so popular in the Internet's wild and woolly frontier days at the point I lose my suspension of disbelief. In this one, I'd have placed it right at that spot that a jaguar was a scientist. Totally ridiculous. Jaguars are sporty creatures! Since when has a person into sports ever been able to science anything?! Ridiculous!

Since the jaguar is a scientist, he loves explaining things so Kamandi didn't have to get so threatening so quickly. To be fair, she was just gulped down by a giant fuck puppet god machine. I'd probably be a little bit crazy at that point too. I can't wait to see how Jimmy and Amanda say they would have solved this cliffhanger! I bet Kamandi and his fuck plant would have realized at the last second that it wasn't their bodies that were going to be sacrificed but their God cherries. Then they would have been, "Oh? Okay! I'm totally up for this!" Then there would have been twenty pages of fucking before the next cliffhanger where the condom broke.

Oh! This guy was just a freaky nerd offshoot of the jaguar sun cult. Disbelief re-suspended!

Kamandi forgets that she was just nearly murdered by Professor Cano the Sciencing Jaguar and is impressed by Cano's ability to fool a bunch of religious lunatics. She's all, "Oh yeah! That's what they deserve! Fuck those ignorant motherfuckers!" Then they all dance for a bit before getting back to the plot.

Cano tells Kamandi that she won't be leaving because Jaguar Scientists are a lot like Nazi Scientists. They don't mind vivisecting people who tick the wrong box on the race, religion, sexuality, and anything that kind of slightly annoys the scientist forms. So Kamandi says, "I figured that would be the case. That's why I don't just keep a knife sheathed in my vagina; I also keep a gun holstered in my butthole!" Then she pulls out the gun and threatens to shoot some of the scientist's machinery. Cano curses having not spent enough time in jaguar gym or else he could easily disarm Kamandi. Instead he's all, "Oh shit I just shit my lab coat!"

This paragraph is just for the Actually Nerds out there: I fucking know Kamandi didn't have the gun in her butthole. I know the fucking gun was Cano's and it was mixed in with the tea service or something. But what do you want me to do? Admit to the ridiculous truth of the comic book that Cano leaves his gun just lying around where any two year old jaguar can happen along and shoot itself in the face or make up my own ridiculous truth that goes along with the earlier ridiculous lie about Kamandi's knife? That ridiculous lie was told to obfuscate the ridiculous truth that the jaguars tied up Kamandi for a sacrifice without finding a huge fucking knife on her nearly naked torso. Okay. Back to the bit of commentary that's for everybody.

Instead of threatening Cano and forcing him to free her, Kamandi shoots out the view screen which is the only way the professor has of seeing where the giant robot jaguar god is going. Great job, idiot! Why did the last human on Earth have to be such an idiot?!

Kamandi and his fuck plant climb back out of the jaguar god's mouth while the jaguar king misses the perfect opportunity for a spit take.

Oh come on, James Tynion the Fourth! You don't mind stealing and using every other boring ass cliché in comics but you refuse to use the standard sitcom spit take in the most perfect spot?! Pretentious jerko!

As they're climbing down the front of the giant jaguar fuck puppet, fuck plant notices the plane hanging on a chain around the god's neck. "Do you think that is still mechanically viable and full of fuel and in proper working order after sitting unused for so long and then battered from hanging around the neck of a giant robot?" she asks. Kamandi answers, "Fuck yeah, bitch!" Then she moans orgasmically and says "Why haven't you eaten me yet, honey?" while chlorophyll drips down her inner thigh.

Even though the fuck puppet's view screen was shot out by Kamandi, it still seems to be able to see them escaping in its bling. Kamandi gets in the cockpit and says, "Hee hee! Cockpit!" Then she says, "I hope there's still fuel in this thing!" And that's it. That's the only bit that a reader has to imagine needs to be okay with the jet. It just needs fuel! Don't worry about how long the fuel has been sitting in it or any other bit of maintenance that probably needs to be done on a plane that's been hanging around a fuck puppet's neck for who knows how long! Also, the fuel probably has gotten some semen in it in the intervening years.

But no! The jet works and Kamandi and fuck puppet fly off into the sunset to live happily ever after! I solved the mystery! I think!

She's a plant, you idiot! You're going to suffocate her!

Kamandi blacks out and the jet crashes in the desert where, during his blackout, presumably, she walks away from the crash and collapses. When she wakes back up, she rushes back to the jet and realizes her fuck plant is drying out! Unless she's dead from being suffocated. I bet she just needs to be fucked really good!

Kamandi has crashed next to a gigantic wall. That must mean she's in Australia. I think this is where the Kangaroo Mafia (or whatever they're called!) are going to be used as the cliffhanger.

Before Kamandi can fuck his fuck plant back into consciousness, she's hit in the side of the head with a high tech boomerang. Remember, it's the future! So the boomerangs need to be high tech even though there isn't a lot that can be done to perfect them. Maybe put a gyroscope inside them?

Being that this cliffhanger is, once again, going to be Kamandi about to fight something to the death, she and Fuck Plant (I might as well make that her official name since I refuse to remember that her name is Vila) get to choose some weapons and a vehicle which they'll be able to use against that cliffhanger I mentioned.

Stupid Australians! They're always so violent and ignorant! Which is why it's so strange that they actually have rational gun control!

That's it! That's the cliffhanger! How will Kamandi and Fuck Plant defeat the Kanga Rat Murder Society?! I hope they use sex as their weapon. This series needs more futuristic fucking. Bill Willingham is the next writer so I'm probably not imaginative enough to figure out what he'll come up with. Remember when he was famous for drawing fantasy pics in Dungeons and Dragons supplements? What a time to be alive!

Jimmy Palmiotti writes the essay at the end describing how he would have gotten Kamandi out of the Jaguar God predicament. I bet it involves Kamandi being swallowed whole as well but with a comment from the jaguar king about deep throating. A tasteful comment, of course!

Jimmy lets slip one of the secrets that I pretty much already assumed anyway and said as much in this or the last commentary: the teams of writers and artists already knew what characters or areas of the world they would be writing about before they got their cliffhanger from the previous team. So Jimmy already knew he had giant bat people when he got the Kamandi falling off a cliff ending. Anyway, Jimmy would have solved this cliffhanger pretty much how James solved it: Kamandi gets away in the jet. Personally, I would have used the tank and had Kamandi commit genocide against the jaguar people.

The Ranking!
No change! I suppose this could have been a "+1" issue but why should I feel anything but petty after seeing what a bunch of despicable assholes are in charge of our country? Not that I didn't already know it. But watching them laugh and live it up while pissing and shitting on the people they're supposed to represent? Fuck them all. And fuck everybody who watches Fox News and doesn't understand that it's the capitalist equivalent to state controlled media. When corporations own your politicians, the corporate news channel runs the propaganda machine. But all y'all Fox viewers are all in on believing the opposite. "This one channel is the only one that tells the truth! I mean, this channel and all these weird backwater Internet sites that copy and paste bullshit from each other until you've seen the same thing in so many different places, it must be true. Also, how come nobody ever refutes Fox News and these shady sites if they're lying? I mean refutations from sites that I trust! Get that fucking Snopes bullshit out of here, idiot!"

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