Saturday, May 6, 2017

Blue Beetle #8


The real Blue Beetle is back! Fuck Dan Garrett. Nobody even remembers how to spell his last name.

The Review!
How must Ted Kord feel seeing Booster Gold move on to be some kind of super important gear in the DC Continuity machine while he must remain a joke who was dismissed by nearly everybody after dying as a real hero? He was the more competent half of the Blue and Gold franchise and yet he was killed by the bullies in charge, probably because he was fat. Those jerks in charge tried to make the fit, blond ex-quarterback the real hero because they're all still nursing their high school boners aching to be stroked by the popular kids. I bet they had a meeting where they all agreed that nobody could possibly like the fat one based on a boring Charlton character and that he was just holding back the super cool one that the robot, Dan Jurgens, had created. So while Booster Gold was able to go on and fuck up DC Continuity just as well as any of The Flash's fuck ups, Blue Beetle was shot in the face by his asshole boss. Way to not know your audience, DC Comics!

Of course, now the new generation of comic book lovers don't give a shit about Ted Kord because he's a threat to their beloved Jaime Reyes. Fuck Jaime Reyes! He's just a dumb kid with a space tapeworm. I don't like having to say that because I like Jaime Reyes and his friend Brenda (especially when she was less spotty than she currently is. Va-va-va-voom!). But if Jaime fans are going to shit all over Ted Kord then fuck them and Jaime too! Fuck them right in the place people don't like to be fucked! I can't imagine where that is, personally, but I'm sure some people have a place like that.


Wait. The scarab was in his junk?

Don't worry, Jaime Reyes fans! No way is the scarab going to stay out of Jaime's dick. I'm sure Ted Kord donning the Blue Beetle costume again will only last a few issues. Ted will probably be arrested after he starts dating Brenda.

Jaime is a bit upset that he's not longer best friends with an alien bug that is also a robot and a parasite. He still wants to help save the world from Arion, Lord of Atlantis, but his mother won't let him now. I bet he has a curfew now too. On the plus side, he was probably avoiding having sex with Brenda because the scarab might have hurt her vagina. Now they're free to do all the weird, gross things young people get up to because they think they need to impress their sexual partner with how imaginative they are in the doing it department.

Anyway, on their way home, Jaime sees a guy he knows running around the streets like a sweaty canned ham: Kevin Kho. Hey! That's the guy who turns into OMAC! Is he going to team up with Ted Kord to become the next big comedy super duo, Blue and OMAC?

The group is attacked by roided out Ambush Bugs. Kevin makes a break for it because he doesn't want to turn into OMAC. See, OMAC has a problem distinguishing what to smash and what not to smash. It's almost as if Kirby was all, "Here is my comic book for the month, DC Comics!" And DC Comics was all, "Um, Jack. This is an Incredible Hulk book. We don't own the Hulk." And Jack was all, "Dammit. I can never keep straight what company I'm currently working for. My brain is disconnected from linear time, you know! Okay. Let me make a few changes and now it's OMAC, Obviously Marvel's Ariginal Character!" And DC Comics was all, "That's not how you spell original." And Jack was all, "Mother, I'm done with my porridge! Can I watch the radio now?"

To save the day, Jaime's mother turns into a lizard person. No wait. Kevin turns into OMAC! Jaime's mom does turn into a lizard person for some reason but I don't think it's to save the day. It might have just been to give me a boner.

Jaime needs to find a way to help stop everybody in the world transforming into muscular Ambush Bugs and/or OMACs. So he heads back to get Ted Kord's old Blue Beetle costume. So that's Jaime on the cover, is it? Well, if that's the case, I'm off to hire a lawyer. Putting Jaime in Ted's Blue Beetle costume was my idea stemming back to New 52 Blue Beetle #1 where I Shooped Ted Kord's head on Jaime's body in every review! I'm fairly certain I've got a case here.

Jaime doesn't plan on doing the Ted Kord Beetle thing for long. He's only donning the costume to get the scarab back from Arion, Lord of Atlantis. That should save the world along with the added benefit of proving Doctor Fate is a stupid asshole who doesn't know anything and should just stick to smaller Lords of Order jobs, like straightening up cluttered desks and raking leaves.

The Ranking!
No change. You can really tell J.M. DeMatteis joined the crew to script because there's practically no confusing wacky banter at all. Also, just for the people who are always rolling their eyes at disasters like this needing to be solved by the least heroic hero possible, it's mentioned a few times that the Justice League is off-world. It's weird how they're always off-world in other comics but they're never off-world in their own comic book. I mean, sure, I suppose they've currently been sort of "off-world" in that they've been traveling through time. But it's not like time travel takes any real time! Unless you believe the Bill and Ted theory that the clock in San Dimas is always running.

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