Monday, May 8, 2017

Action Comics #978

Is Action Comics going to simply become the place to tell the new official stories from Superman's past? Is this the night he and Lois first engaged in mutual masturbation?

My question is answered when I open the stupid comic book with a resounding, "Why yes, Tess, it is! Here is a picture of Lois plummeting from a crashing helicopter which makes little sense if you look at it for too long! So don't look at it for too long, you dick! Stop it! Turn away! I can see you criticizing me with your stupid human eyeballs!"

Apparently she was standing on the roof of the building and dove off to avoid being crushed by this crashing helicopter.

This is ridiculous. I've been praising DC Comics for Rebirth because they were merging The New 52 and Rebirth with the Pre-Crisis and Post-Crisis worlds (according to Convergence, I think?). In a way, it just felt like they were apologizing for the constant run of reboots since 1985 and just allowing DC continuity to be whatever each reader brought to it. But now, immediately after their big "Superman is more than you realize!" story, they're cementing all of his experiences into an "official" version. Are Continuity Trolls keeping DC Comics' child hostage? Do they have photos of DC Comics finger-banging Marvel Comics in a back alley while Dark Horse watches and masturbates? Why can't DC be as fast and loose as I portrayed them in that previous sentence? Why is everything in the world done in an attempt to satisfy and shut up the worst of us all?! Oh, except maybe in France. Congratulations on being smart enough and compassionate enough to do the right fucking thing.

Lois Lane is screaming "Noooo!" in that panel because she apparently doesn't know how to face death with dignity. Look, Lois. You can't bend reality by screaming denials into its smug face. Although I do congratulate you on looking so hot in the face of death. I suppose that's why you're about to be saved by Superman while the fugly pilot dies in a fireball of fire and balls.

If somebody with whom I was in a serious relationship ever said, "I knew when we met that we'd wind up together," I would dump them on the spot. Creep!

Superman might just be saying that he knew they'd wind up together because Ma Kent told him that he had to marry anybody his penis touched and his penis is definitely touching Lois's butt through practically no clothing at all in the next panel that I didn't scan. It's the panel where Lois is having an orgasm because Superman is so handsome and muscular. Here is how she orgasms: "Who-- --who-- --oOoO...". I would say how I orgasm but I don't want people who know me to think, "Oh gross. He's made that noise several times in public!"

Meanwhile on the moon, Matrix Man brings The Eradicator back to life. Matrix Man (who is actually somebody that will cause me to make my orgasm noise when his real identity is revealed) has been going around restoring all of Superman's old enemies who were messed up due to The New 52 and the early stages of Rebirth when it was still in utero. Yes, it was still "in utero" even after being rebirthed. DC never totally knows what they're doing when they do it. They mostly just fly by the seat of their pants which is why each of their Reboots always needs a reboot to clear up the problems with the reboot. It won't be long before there's a New Rebirth Crisis Hour crossing over into all of DC's comics!

After watching the day he met Lois (which was also the day he knew he was going to fuck her because he wanted to and his life is the only one with agency), Superman watches several other days in his life that were important enough to cement into the minds of the current readers. Did Superman really use to wear his underwear on the outside of his costume? You bet! Did Superman propose to Lois in this current continuity? Yes! Did Lois know he was Superman before he told her? Fuck hell of course yes otherwise it would make her look stupid plus she wrote that article exposing his identity (no wait. I don't think that happened anymore (no wait. It did happen which is why Mr. Mxyzptlk had to interfere which is why Superman is now both Preboot and New 52!)). Did Superman die at the hands of Doomsday? Yawn. I mean, yes! Did Coast City get destroyed, turning Hal into a serial killer of Green Lanterns and leading to him, eventually, becoming The Spectre? Well, um, maybe some of that happened! But I think the dominoes fell differently this time around. Maybe?

After his death, Steel, The Eradicator, and Cyborg Superman are mentioned as having appeared on the scene. What about Superboy? Either that's different or he was too boring to remember.

But how did they die? A car crash on Clark's prom night? Or a mystery disease while vacationing in the Caribbean?!

After Jonathan is born, the archive begins to integrate Preboot Superman's arrival to The New 52 Earth into the story. He built the Himalayan Fortress of Solitude so that the Arctic one could be more secretive. He and Lois bought a property in California where they pretended to be other people to get away from things as a family. During those times, he wore his undercover black Superman outfit. See? All this shit totally works out if you want it to.

The only part I disagree with (for personal reasons) is that Oracle is shown in Superman's memory. Not the cute Oracle who was good with computers and helped the Suicide Squad! The terrible Oracle created by Scott Lobdell! The one that was all powerful and yet not powerful all at the same time. The idiot one that was a big rock that floated through space looking at things blow up. I suppose DC had to include something from Lobdell's time on the book since they chose to merge New 52 Superman with Preboot Superman. I would have chosen the door Superman found floating in the sky that never became a plot point of any story.

Later on the moon in their new secret base, the Superman Revenge Squad (not a name I made up) meet their mystery leader: Hank Henshaw. Oh. That isn't as exciting as I was hoping. Boo. Stupid! Bogus! Apparently next issue, they're going to recruit Mongul. He needs to be brought back to life too, right? Or extracted from The Phantom Zone? I can't remember what happened to him. I think Dr. Ozymandias and Mr. Manhattan have been messing with my memories too.

The Ranking!
No change! This comic book continues as doula for the audience as we go through rebirthing pains.

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