Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #8

Remember this is a metaphor. He's really chasing after his penis.

• Last issue, the reader discovered (by purchasing that comic book and reading it) that The Whisperer (a grotesque reminder of the vaginas that Cave Carson can no longer explore) was demolishing the world. That probably seemed a bit too harsh since this is only a fourth rate comic book and you can't really destroy the world unless Batman or Wonder Woman are in the comic book. So this issue, the reader discovers (by purchasing this comic book and reading it) that Cave Carson and his team have followed The Whisperer through a dimensional portal. So it's destroying the Fawcett City of a different Earth. Whew. That was a close one. My only question now is why do they want to stop it? It's leaving their Earth alone! Let it destroy this Earth where some guy named Michael Pembrook is buried in the plot where Cave Carson's wife is supposed to be buried.

• Oh! Does that mean Cave Carson's wife is still alive on this Earth? Boner City, here Cave comes!

• Cave's old fungus boss's son Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail has decided to use The Whisperer to take over the spelunking markets on all of the Infinite Earths. Unless his business, EBX, is something else (Extreme Butt X-rays?). I think at this point, his business is mind control. That's the best business to get into. You don't need to sell any products. You just tell people to put money in your face.

• Have any of the other DC Comics acknowledged the Infinite Earths yet? Are we not supposed to know they're back even though they were rescued during Convergence. Are we still supposed to believe there are only 52? I mean, even if there were only 52 when Rebirth started, now that Superman has merged with all the Supermen and all the other heroes are beginning to merge with all of their old selves (thanks to Superman's merge, for, um, some reason), I think that means the heroes once again live in an infinite multiverse.

• Even if the previous is true, it probably doesn't matter. This is a Young Animal book. It doesn't necessarily take place in the same continuity as the other DC books. Remember how Vertigo was always separate even though regular heroes sometimes visited it, or were banished to it because they didn't really have anywhere else to go after Crisis on Infinite Earths destroyed their parents and the only job left they could take was that of Fake Sandman?

• Cave runs into an old college professor of his. I mean, not really. It's not the one he knew on his own Earth! It's the one on...I don't really need to explain this, do I?

• Chloe, Cave's daughter, begins making the connections that I made earlier about that guy Michael Pembroke being buried where her mother should be buried. But Cave is all, "Why bother looking for her?! My penis doesn't work, remember?!" And Chloe is all, "Is that all mom is to you? A penis cozy?! Go fuck yourself, dad!" And Cave is all, "You know I can't!" Then he runs sobbing from the room while punching his crotch.

• The Whisperer attacks! I guess it knows better than to let the good guys live. It might not succeed but at least it's being proactive. I was expecting it to say something like, "Let Carson live! It is not his time to die!" That's always the wrong thing for an evil person and/or creature to say.

• Wild Dog almost dies in the attack but Chloe sticks a country tampon in his wound. What's the difference between a country tampon and a city tampon?

• Oh. I spoke too soon. The Whisperer just wanders off after it thinks it's destroyed Cave Carson's vehicles so that he'll be stranded on this destroyed Earth. It's just as dumb as every other antagonist. You must kill heroes. You can't leave them to their fate because their fate is never to die. Their fate is to kick you in the head when you think you've won, stupid.

• At the end of the issue, Cave Carson rallies his troops because they've got a war to fight on infinite fronts!

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