Friday, May 19, 2017

Detective Comics #956

Look at Cassandra's ass and see how much trouble comic book artists have drawing baggy clothing.

• Recently, Cassandra Cain defeated the entire League of Shadows by herself. Now she needs help defeating Shiva. That math works out to Shiva could probably defeat the world in a one on seven billion cage match (if Cassandra were excluded! So seven billion minus one).

• Shiva declares she will never yield so she's about to get her ass beat by Batman and Cassandra and Batwing and Batwoman and Clayface and Azrael. But not Red Robin because he's dead. And not Spoiler because nobody really cares what happens to her. They only cared when she stopped existing during The New 52. Now that she's back, nobody who called for her return is buying comics with her in them and DC's executives are sitting in their offices going, "Why the fuck do we keep thinking fans actually want what they say they want?" But the joke is on them! Because what fans want is quite specific and they all want a different specific thing which means any move DC makes only brings back one fan who left angrily! And the move probably alienated a thousand more! Ha ha! Losers!

• The Colony has released a swarm of Nano-Bots that will kill everything they come in contact with. They're meant to just kill the League of Shadows because Jacob Kane doesn't realize his daughter and her friends are also in the League of Shadows' sewer hideout. Boy is he going to have egg on his face at his daughter's funeral!

• The final battle can't just be a physical brawl. It also has to be a debate. So, once again, some DC superheroes get embroiled in a discussion on whether to kill or not to kill! So fascinating! I just love whenever this topic is revisited every two or three times in ever fucking comic book.

"You're making false equivalencies!" is some top notch Batman battle repartee!

• Shiva sets the nuclear bomb to detonate in five minutes. Why in five minutes? Why doesn't she just blow it? Because she hopes to still get away? She must know that by giving herself time to escape, it also gives the good guys time to deactivate the bomb. Being a villain, she should also know that she won't escape and the good guys will disarm the bomb. Since she states she's not afraid to die for her objective, she really should just blow the thing immediately.

• I wonder if there is an OSHA for super villains and they're not allowed to have bombs or weapons of mass destruction that activate immediately? That would explain a lot of things. I bet the Super Villain OSHA even has regulations on presenting safety reminders to everybody involved before they activate their plan. Which is why they all have to monologue and reveal their plot.

• Shiva is all, "I know we should be fighting but I have a few things to say about Batman working for the Patriarchy!" But Cassandra is all, "Shut up while I prove not killing is better than killing by making you wish you had been killed! Ha ha!"

• Right when Cassandra feels she's making a connection with her mother which might possibly lead to an extended hug, Ra's shows up and shoots Shiva in the back. He's all, "I called her a rabid dog so you know I'm referencing Old Yeller but I really should have narrowed the allusion to Of Mice and Men."

• Before Shiva dies, she whispers something to Cassandra. I'm pretty sure Cassandra would rather have had a hug.

• Ra's helps disarm the bomb and takes the League of Shadows into custody while Batman stands by with his limp dick in his hands.

In the epilogue, Batwoman cosplays Desire of the Endless.

• Batman decides the Bat-Team is going to need some magic help in the upcoming war against the League of Assassins. I hope he's going to look up his old friend, Jason Blood!

• The next month blurb reads "Spoiler Alert!" Hasn't that been used enough? Can we retire it yet?

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